Freakin' Relationships!

[Barbra_in_Tulsa]

So a little more than a year ago I started dating a girl and soon after attempted to tell her about my CDing. I decided to start slow, rather than all at once, in that I would first tell her that I had a panty fetish and loved wearing them and slowly build. Yes, there may be something to just ‘ripping the band-aid off all at once’ and just lay it out there but this was the track I decided on. The girl is exceptionally smart (doctor) and rather worldly so I felt cautious optimism in telling her, thinking she’d “get it.”

Of course, I got the ‘are you gay?’ question that promptly caused me to shut down. I just felt like it was a stupid question since we had finished with some enjoyable in bed not thirty minutes before hand. I just let it go and it was dropped and she acted like I never said anything. Yes, that reaction is probably the one most expected but I felt like I had to both defend and explain myself, and I felt that I should not have to do either. It is probably asking too much for someone to just ‘get it’ and accept it from the get go, but there is a part of me that feels like, the woman for me will do just that.

In case any of you are now wondering, I switched from panties to men’s bikini (so not the same) and then began to splice in some cotton string bikini from VS, she certainly acted like she couldn’t tell a difference when she saw them. Over the course of the next year she saw my pink bathrobe, when I told her that it was a gift from a friend (true by the way) it was dropped. When she wanted some make up before going to breakfast one Sunday morning after spending the night at my place I brought out the makeup bag, when asked I just told her, “just one of those thing I ended up with.” Again, true but a bit more of a stretch.

We finally split up when I did not return the, I love you, after a year. I already have problems being emotionally guarded and a bit more so but I did love her. No one complimented me as well as she did on an intellectual level, and even keeping the CDing from her the sex was still rather exceptional.
Saturday night she shot me a few texts after seeing me across the arena at a hockey game. The break up was not as bad as I have experienced in the past but it wasn’t great and I just left her alone, the break up was in early July.

So last night I decided to write her an email and explain why I couldn’t/didn’t open up to her, emotionally as much as she, or I, would have liked. I didn’t come right out and say I was a CD again, but rather took her back to that night and told her by asking if I was gay it sort of shut me down and caused me not to share anymore. So her response mainly consisted of, ‘I loved you and it was obvious you were a CDer and I didn’t care. I was hurt when you didn’t share.’

I am guessing that reaction comes after having a year to process things, but G’ freakin’ Wiz! Where was that reaction when I first started sharing?! It’s so incredibly frustrating, I just want to scream.

Anyway……there just aren’t that many people who I can vent to so here you go. Hope all of you, here in the states, had a good Thanksgiving.

Barbra

[Di]

I am sorry you are hurting:hugs:and you are not going to like what I say................but why the half truths?...why did you not just tell her the truth?...women can sense such things and she prob felt you did not like her enough or trust her enough to say the truth. You said she was rather worldly so you felt cautious optimism in telling her, thinking she’d “get it.” But then just yanked her around with half truths.
If you care about her....you said you love her..I would tell her ...look I have a hard time saying the truth about this.....and most do....it is something you hid your entire life......and I was trying to hint and let little things out so you would know...I was wrong but I was scared can we talk about this more.....AND for petes sake if you love her tell her.:love:

About the gay question....you know that is the standard question among others that someone asks when they are
not clued in to cding. Come on open up with her you have nothing to lose.... you can have an complete relationship
its awesome....no more games...just try ...she said she loved you.:hugs:
Let us know.

[Holly]

Barbara, I'm so sorry the relationship didn't work out as you had hoped. I can't help but wonder, however, if things would have turned out differently had you been more candid and forthright with your lady and less mysterious about yourself. Until there is more gender education in the world, the gay question will be a fact f life for those of us who express gender differently than the masses. You, dear Barbara, missed a perfect teaching moment when your partner asked you "the question." And as for you just having had some bedtime fun, that in and of itself would not exclude the question. I know several gay and lesbian people who engaged in heterosexual activity in an attempt to cover their true preferences before they came to terms with their own sexuality.

In the area of gender, have you come to accept the person you are? If so, then you should be confident enough in yourself to share that part of yourself. If not, then maybe it is too soon to be looking into a relationship with someone else.

[Sheila]

Tell her how you feel, apologise and make sure that in future ( I am being upbeat here, go with it) you tell her all

Now start texting, or emailing ....... even better call her .... she gave you an opening by starting to text u after seeing you at the game


GO GO NOWe

[DanaR]

There is an opportunity knocking there, answer it! Be honest and let us know how it works out.

[Satrana]

LOL a classic case of miscommunication. You were too afraid to tell her the whole truth and so put the ball in her court by dropping hints hoping she would piece it all together. Well she did piece it together but she decided not to tell you as she wanted you to be the one to tell so she put the ball in your court. But neither of you told the other that you were playing tennis. You are both to blame.

Now the cat is out of the bag because the relationship is over and you can now be truthful with each other. Funny how that works.

If you still want her then go on bended knee and ask her to take you back. Tell her you need her support to leave the confines of your closet.

[Kelsy]

Above all be Open and honest, if she can not live with you atleast you can live with yourself, I think she has not given up on you!!

:hugs:Kelsy

[Jess_cd32]

Hi Barb, I also got asked that question right off the bat when I surprised my SO once walking out fully dressed, 'are you gay!' as her jaw hit the floor, geez, must be the first thing that comes to their mind.

To bad things didn't work out, communication is a very important key to having a successful relationship, sounds like on her part it was lacking and she shut yours down as well with that question.

Whenever I started dating a new GG that was the first area I'd let her know was very important to me, communicating openly and honestly.
Hopefully, maybe you two could go out sometime again if the situation ever presents itself and talk about what went wrong further and would another try be a good idea. Regardless, wishing you the best in whatever you decide.

[Barbra_in_Tulsa]

LOL a classic case of miscommunication. You were too afraid to tell her the whole truth and so put the ball in her court by dropping hints hoping she would piece it all together. Well she did piece it together but she decided not to tell you as she wanted you to be the one to tell so she put the ball in your court. But neither of you told the other that you were playing tennis. You are both to blame.

Now the cat is out of the bag because the relationship is over and you can now be truthful with each other. Funny how that works.

If you still want her then go on bended knee and ask her to take you back. Tell her you need her support to leave the confines of your closet.

That's pretty much it....the only problem now is that we both seem to have a, "never get back with an ex" rule. Generally I think that is a very smart rule, now I'm not so sure. I can't tell if she wants me to ask her out again or if she is completely done. How cowardly is it to keep the ball in her court just a little while longer. :spank:

I probably should have included one more fact that might make things clearer. I seem to be a bit in the minority here (at least it seems that was) but part of my CDing also carries over and over laps a bit to being a bit of a submissive in the bedroom. The very typical type A personality in the work world and I enjoy giving up control in the bedroom...yada yada yada...but the lousy part and the part that affected all of this situation I think a part of my submissive nature (even yearning maybe?) was that after I brought up things and then she, in a sense, had the wrong reaction, I just had a need for her to bring it up again. I was almost desperate for her to do so but just didn't have the courage.

It was more than just having the ball in her court (although that is a very fair assessment) it was more out of hope or want for her to take charge more...

If that makes sense

[MJ]

I'm so sorry the relationship didn't work out for you. but she did say " it was obvious you were a CDer and I didn’t care. I was hurt when you didn’t share.’ "

there have been so many threads here about being truthful and once again look what happens when you tell lies.
if you had been truthful from the very start you both might still be together. welcome to the free and single life again..

[mklinden2010]

Friend,

When your SO asks if you're gay, say, "Yes, I am."

Then, watch them argue with you that you couldn't possibly be.

It's happened over and over with me with various people in my life.

I take the position, finally, that:

"I'm at least on that end of the common-sense spectrum."

And they end up saying:

"I don't care if you are. You're not gay as I see things and I don't want this messing up OUR relationship."

Well, what can I say to that but:

"OK, fine. Have it your way then. What's on at the movies this weekend?"

Really, take the BS by the horns and see if "manning up" and taking the hit doesn't wind up making you both stronger.

A partner wants someone who'll shoot straight with them about important things and isn't afraid to face tough issues. They want to be able to count on you in all things so don't mess up and get them wondering, "What else is he going to mess up?"

It's OK to be CD if you bring more to the party than just lipstick. I heard a great comedy routine years ago about a guy who's Uncle was a full-time crossdresser.

The guy says:

"That didn't bother me none. When I was a kid he was always there for me no matter what. Yes sir. If anyone ever tried anything with me my Aunt Ralph would be on them with his size 13 pumps in a heartbeat!"

Gotta love it.

You and the girl can get back together, but only if you're willing to say, as often as necessary, "I messed up, I'm sorry," and she's willing to let her SO be a bit of a dope - and love him anyway.

Good luck. Don't worry about breaking up again if you reconnect. If you do you do. Dating is just practice for the right person and the long haul so have at it...

[suchacutie]

Come on already!!! Ask her out!

What's the worst that can happen? Her saying no is NOT the worst, as either a NO or a YES brings closure. The worst is this continuous non-communication. If she knew you CD'd, then why the devil didn't she say so? And why do you persist in running around the flag pole with the flag in your hand. Just do it!! Ask her out! Ask her to join you in dedicating yourselves to complete honesty and openness. At the moment you both just don't trust each other enough to do that, but you must get by this.

If you can truly dedicate yourselves to living as one mind, you may have both found the best person in the world for each other!!!

My best wishes!

tina

[Annaliese]

Ask her out, what is it going to hirt. Go for it.

Annaliese

[Mirani]

Why be offended by any question seeking clarification?
If it is on her mind, then good for her that she asked it out loud. It gives the opportunity for clarification and a simple "No" would have ended the thought.

With respect, to sulk because you don't like a question is not a helpful response.

My view is, within a relationship, no question is stupid. If it needs asking, you get an honest answer. And there are no "taboo" areas.

Otherwise communication fails and any realationship will crash and burn!

[tommi]

Our you gay ? is an automatic response to crossdressing for many. Being
submissive goes with my dressing as well I make desicions all day at work
My wife forces me into a more dominant role and that sometimes feeds the desires to dress.
But If she is intelligent and you loved her maybe you should atleast get together to talk explain yourself and explore friendship if not a possible relationship.Sounds like she is atleast tolerant and maybe accepting you
have broken the ice something that isn't easy for most of us take advantage
of the opportunity.

[jamie55]

Hi Barb: It's only strike one, you just fouled the curve ball down the first base line. Huh? Really you should have been prepared for a question like that, it's usually the first one they ask. Mine asked it after 28 yrs and 6 children. Now just get ready for the next pitch and hit it out of the park.

[Sally2005]

If you are both available then just ask her if she would ever consider breaking her rule... she might give you a hint on what it is she needs from you. Then ask her out on a first date and see if you can re-ignite the spark. Or just try starting off as friends (just tell her you miss her friendship) and do stuff together (see if she will help you CD) until it is obvious that you belong together or not. Try to just be who you without hiding anything...after all, you already lost her, now you are just trying to see if you both made a mistake.

[Alice Torn]

Sorry. That is so painful, breaking up, when you reaaly love someone- one of the most painful things in all of life. I have been through a number of them, but, never had sex with anyone. I know Dr. Laura says it, but, it is true-- Don't have intercourse before marriage! or commitment, if you don't believe in marriage. It is fun at the time, but comes with a kicker emotionally, and mentally. Sex is like nuclear energy, or nitroglycerin, can really throw complications into a friendship. This relationship may be salvagable, with honesty, self-control, communication. Expectations get us in trouble too, because no one can meet them all. I truly WONDER sometimes how ANY marriage, or relationship, keeps going long!!!!!! I am not in one, and haven't been, for many years. I know that if i had had sex, it would have made things even much more difficult.

[Celeste]

I would break my rule in this instance and tell her you just weren't sure where she might stand with it,then pick up where you left off ,ask her out again and clarify matters.She sounds nice.

[Sharon B.]

If I ever get to the point of dating another woman and I open up to her about my crossdressing or need to.
I know that question will come around again about are you gay, my answer will be, yes I am a lesbian.
I know it won't be what they will be expecting.

[Desiree2bababe]

I feel your pain. Maybe it's not too late for reconciliation.

When I told my wife, then girlfriend, her first question was also "Do you like men?" Just a natural question I suppose........

[MichelleOBrien]

Very interesting conundrum you've found yourself in. I'm also one for not taking back exes, but if one of them was half as accepting as the one you're talking about sounds... I'd be begging for her back in half a heartbeat. But here's the thing:

Any relationship needs trust and communication as a base if it's gonna last. That being said, even if she doesn't take you back (which is a possibility I'm sure we're all hoping against), don't forget the lesson to be learned here.

ALWAYS BE HONEST AND OPEN

It's the only way to keep from having trust issue related breakups.

[SabrinaDubh]

So her response mainly consisted of, ‘I loved you and it was obvious you were a CDer and I didn’t care. I was hurt when you didn’t share.’

I am guessing that reaction comes after having a year to process things, but G’ freakin’ Wiz! Where was that reaction when I first started sharing?! It’s so incredibly frustrating, I just want to scream.


I imagine she had the same reaction.

It sounds like you pussyfooted around, lied, and concealed yourself from her. You can't expect more from people than you are willing to give.

Perhaps you should work a bit more on accepting yourself before you ask others to accept you.

[Alice B]

I would have to say that you "blew" it because she was a doctor. As such she would be well aware of cross dressing and think nothing of it, if the gay question were answered and put to rest. If there is any chance of getting the relationship back I would make every effort to do so. To have a well educated SO that understood would have the base for a very strong relationship.

[Katie Moore]

Sorry for the reality check but if you want this lady then suck it up and do "what ya gotta do". You know that...

Katie

[Sammy777]

Ok
CD'ing came up & you got asked "the question" & said no.

Your failure to commit to her [not saying I love you] for a year after she say it doomed the relationship & you broke up.

FOUR months later she sees you in public & contacts you by texting.
[Which means she still had your phone # after all this time]

You continue to hide things from her in your half-ass excuse email you sent to her explaining why you couldn't commit.

She finally figures, What the hell, he is never going to fess up to it, so I might as well do it for him by saying:
‘I loved you and it was obvious you were a CDer and I didn’t care. I was hurt when you didn’t share.’

Now your doing it again! By playing "the balls in her court" crap.

lets look at the facts, shall we?
This girl loved you.
This girl didn't care then or doesn't care now about your CD'ing.
This girl contacted you again after 4 months apart.
This girl already tossed out her "no dating ex's rule by contacting you.
This girl said what you were afraid to say to her.
This girl still has feelings for you.
This girl is trying her damnest to get you to see that.

This girl deserves a phone call & a way overdue I LOVE YOU right now.

So sallow your pride, ditch your commitment fears, cowboy up & finally lay it all out there for her & promise her [on your knees if it helps] that you will never keep things from her again.



Oh & one more thing,

If,
No when she takes you back, be honest, be happy & invite us to the wedding, lol.


Start dialing them digits man! Right now before it's to late!

[ReineD]

Barbra, the two of you are intellectually compatible and your sex life was exceptional! She texted YOU from across the arena, after four months! She told you that she loved you, and the CDing was not an issue for her! These are not the actions of a woman who is not interested in getting back together with you!

As far as your reaction to the question she asked you in the beginning, this is the first question that pops into mind when anyone is told about the CDing. When my SO told me, I thought he was also saying that because of it, he could never feel the same way about me as I felt about him! :doh: Please remember that you have lived with the CDing for a large part of your life, but the concept was completely foreign to your gf. She needed time to catch up to your level of understanding! Please don't be so hard on her.

With regards to the ball being in whose court: I have seen this repeatedly in other GGs and myself, and yes it is a sexist thing to say, but women very often have the idea that "if he really loved me, then he would know how I feel". This is simply not true, no matter how compatible the partner! You said you have problems with being emotionally guarded and you were desperate for her to bring up the subject of CDing again. I suspect she sensed your guardedness, she couldn't understand what it was about, and she was waiting to see if you loved her or trusted her enough to let her into your heart and share the deepest part of yourself with her.

You want a strong woman who can take charge. Given that you are compatible on so many levels, I suspect she is more than ready to do this, but perhaps she first needed to know that her feelings for you were returned?

She made the first move by texting you. Please make the next one and be candid with her about all of your feelings. She will love you all the more for it.

Then you can invite all of us to your wedding! ;)
:hugs:

[Brandiwvr]

the rule is only for the girls that dont have big girl panties. you cant see outside of the dang box can you? you need to remind her that the rule only applies to loosers or maybe she already nows that?

[JeanGDWL]

Relationships are the most difficult thing, I think, for many of us. I know my first marriage was filled with a certain tension for 26 years, but after that I vowed that I would not enter into another relationship until I disclosed as much about me and my past as I could (without being excessive, insensitive, or boring). I realized that a relationship is acceptance and after years of feeling something was wrong with me because of my crossdressing, I entered a new pahse of honesty - with myself and my new accepting spouse. I wish you well (and from how you describe it, there may still be a chance to restart the relationship).

Jean