need help

[unhappywife]

You might try to tell me how I am a terrible wife after you read this but I need some one to talk to and due to my husbands job I am limited on who that can be. I guess by talking to more people like him I feel I might have some idea of what I can do and if what I said to him was wrong or not. Me and my husband have been married for 2 years this December.We just had a beautiful daughter less then a month ago and my husband just told me he is in to cross dressing. My automatic response was to tell him if he really wanted that then to divorce me and go be happy because I could not deal with the idea. I still cant. He then told me that he would ignore the idea, I tried to tell him that it wasn't some thing that he could just ignore but as it is sitting he still wants to try to ignore the idea. He has never acted on his desire to cross dress, in fact he didn't get the idea till he married me. I then tried the it will ruin your life( keep in mind my husband's job is the military). I have seen first hand what this does to a family and I also know that there are two kinds of familys when it comes to this. There is the kind of family that can deal with any thing and make it through some thing like this and then there is what my family is, it gets torn apart.Maybe not right away but it slowly gets torn apart. Now some of you might be thinking I am close minded but I can assure you I am not. I am bisexual and so is my husband I have a few friends who do cross dress and I am all for the idea of them being happy, but see here is the difference I am not married to them. I guess I feel that if this is some thing he really wanted then the right choice would be to divorce me and go be happy, even though its not what I want. I do love my husband more then any thing and would be willing to do almost any thing for him....almost being the key word. I have had experience with the cross dressing life style before when I was younger and I saw it tear a more or less happy family apart and caused more mental issues for the daughter that was involved.
My husband told me that being with me would make him more then happy yet if that was the case how can he sit here and ignore part of who he is and still be happy? As I said at the start of this I am probably going to be told how terrible I am and how I would probably deserve to be divorced but keep in mind I offered to let him go and be happy since I could not cope with the idea. The idea of him in woman's clothing is a sexual turn off for me. I even told him that he would probably be happier with some one who could deal with the idea. Needless to say what he wanted to be a talk turned in to an argument of about 12 hours and resulted in me grabbing my daughter and some of hers and my belongings and going to stay with a friend. We had both taken off our wedding rings and more or less prepared our selves for a divorce.
I dont want him to be interested in this but he is and the only thing I can think of to do is ask him to forget about it or to leave me and go be happy being 100% who he is. I guess your probably wondering why I am even on here in the first place when I dont even want to play with the idea. well here is a little insight I am what you would consider a guilty person. I have never had a successful relationship more or less till I got with my husband. I have always been the person to make the sacrifice to make the relationship work and I have always been the one who had to make the choice of this or them. So being in the position of making him make this choice makes me feel as if I am the most horrible person around. I just want some insight on what to do about all of this. I mean was I wrong to suggest him divorcing me when he knows I will always love him but want him to be happy and know that cant happen with me?

[Sheila]

Sweetie,
firstly welcome

Secondly I am a GG (genetic girl, female at birth, what ever you want to call me)

Thirdly, not all relationshops are torn apart by crossdressing, there and many many long term mariages here that have survived crossdressing, some of those involeve supporting, actively involved ,nsome have wives that know but want no part in CDing , both kinds and may inbetween survive this


The fact that both of your are Bi is neither here nor there, your sexuality has nothing to do with crossdressing


Your lives need not be torn apart by this, talk to him calmly, and truthfully

Good luck hun :hugs::hugs:

[MJ]

first of all welcome to the forum. i am sorry to hear your Delmer but just because someone else had a bad experience don't mean everybody will. you say you are both Bi.. so whats the real problem. you say you love him very much so yet can't deal with his wanting to cross-dress. and he Evan asked you . most guys don't Evan do that.
cding between two accepting adults can be fun . i don't understand your problem. is it because he is in the military ? are you ashamed. or is there a lot more to this than meets the eye. cross dressing is a great excuse for a ticket out of a marriage. forgive me thats my feelings on this..

[Holly]

I don't think you are terrible at all. What I do think is that you are confused and that you have had some pretty bad examples of what transgendered is and can be. My wife and I celebrate our 40th anniversary in a few days. She knows all about me. My adult son and daughter know all about me. My daughter has even been out with me.

What is it about CDing that you don't care for? You said it's a sexual turnoff for you. Fine, keep it out of the bedroom. That's fair. We all deal with boundaries every day of our lives. For some it's how much golf we play or how many craft projects we have going at once, or how many times a week we go to the gym. Boundaries are appropriate.

I do disagree with the "two types of families" you talk about. I think there are two types alright, but they are these... one type is willing to devote the time and effort necessary to fulfill the love of their families and the other who give up when it gets a little uncomfortable.

Yes, you were wrong in suggesting he divorce you if you love him and he loves you. Instead of a 12 hour argument, why not a 12 hour strategy session on how to make your marriage stronger. Look for some common ground. Educate yourself on cross-dressing and transgendered. Talk to your husband and find out where his heart is. If it's just about wearing the clothes and you don't want to see it, make an arrangement when he can have some time to himself. If he is looking to explore the more feminine part of himself, you could be a wonderful asset in his search for such knowledge. There are many wives who would be pleased with a more understanding husband and one who is in greater touch with his emotions than most men appear to be.

The next move is up to you. Tell him that you may have overreacted and that you want to know more about how he feels and where he wants to go... that you are willing to educate yourself if he is willing to take things at your pace.

I hope yours will not be the family who gives up to easily but perseveres to the finish. I can only assure you that the rewards are spectacular. Best wishes!

[Maxi]

Is he still the man you married? What is it that bothers you so much about it? I realize you are so sure it will ruin your relationship, that it could.

With my line of work, the magazines I have been in, and TV programs, I have been on, along with my connections to the educational system, I am very well known for my innovative ideas. If it were to become public, that I like to crossdress in the privacy of my own home, It could be a major issue. But what happens in our house, stays in our house. My wife has been very supportive of my desires, and it has helped to bring us closer together.
It is a way of taking time out from reality for us. A way of putting the stress of everday life aside. Clothes do not change who the person is, except in Hollywood. We are a very upstanding couple, and really involved with our community, and always willing to help those in need.

It can be your secret, with no harm to anybody.
Would you prefer he took up drugs?
That would devistate his life.
He works hard for his country, can't he be appreciated at home and allowed to express who he is. You should thank him for his dedication to his country, not scold him for his dress.

Since Silverton Oregon elected a crossdresser as mayor, I am willing to think who the man is, is more important than what he wears.

Just my :2c:

[unhappywife]

I guess I find the whole thing disgusting(not trying to offend any one and I am sorry if I do). The idea of him wanting to be a female when I am a perfectly functioning one kinda puts a downer on me. I am suffering from postpartum from my pregnancy. I grew up in a very closed minded family so in my opionion yes the sex are what they should be in a marriage such as male is a male and a female is a female. its not just the bed room idea I just dont want him to do it period. saddly there is no compromising for me in this situation. as for my daughter I want her to grow up open minded but not because of what we do. the person who I was referring to was me. I was 12 years old when my father decided to tell my mother he wore womans clothing and yes it tore my family apart. the man I call dad now is my step father. Saddly I guess I would be the selfish one in this to tell him to stop or to divorce me. I do love my husband but I cant go back to what I had to deal with with my father. he was also in the military and Cding ruined his life and ours as well

[Maxi]

You might want to try counseling. I am sure the military has this available to you in the private sector. It sounds to me like you have some self esteem issues. If you were comfortable with who you are, the dress would not seem like such a threat.

I wish you the best of luck in working it out, as divorce is not what you really want, for you, or your child. :love:
I have been through it, not because of crossdressing, but because she got mixed up with drugs. I was the one that filed, and wound up with what we had left, and my kids too, from a female judge yet. Not what you want to go through.

[Holly]

Unhappy, you can't have it both ways. You say you want your daughter to grow up open minded. As parents, we best teach by the example we set. I don't know how it was with you, but the old, "Do as I say, not as I do" mantra from my parents pretty much fell on deaf ears.

May I be candid? You say the whole idea of your husband exploring his gender feelings to be "disgusting." And yet you acknowledge you are bi-sexual. Doesn't that fly a bit in the face of the, "male is a male and a female is a female" dogma you state? I'm only suggesting that you have some conflicts within your own life to resolve. It seems to me it would be so much easier to do so with someone at your side who loves you and who you love as well.

Your marriage is two years old. Do you really want to give up so soon on someone you love? Honey, there is so much more to learn.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You and your husband need to have a real heart to heart talk. Apparently, you are unable to accept the fact that your husband is a crossdresser, even though you indicated that you can accept crossdressers so long as it is not your husband.
If you have read any of the information contained in this website or if you have read anything about crossdressing, then you know or should know that:
1. if your husband is truly a crossdresser, he cannot and will not be able be able to stop his crossdressing, and
2. even if he swears that he will stop crossdressing, he can't really make that promise in good faith - too many husbands have made that promise only to break it in the future - that is because this "urge to crossdress" is very, very powerful, and
3. he may resent you making him promise to stop, because when the "urge" reappears, and he is unable to satisfy that "urge", he will become irritable, unhappy, sad, mad, and very, very depressed - a lot of us have been there - I stopped for 10 years and made the promise to my spouse that I would never crossdress again - the "urge" came back stronger than ever after a 10 year interval. I experienced all of the emotions that I listed - I even got physically sick with ulcers and severe depression and suicidal thoughts, and
4. if you are sure that you cannot stand for your spouse to crossdress, then you may need to divorce and go your own way now.

It is a very hard decision - but just remember, your spouse did not choose to be a crossdresser. None of us would choose to subject ourselves to the internal torment that we endure. Sure, many crossdressers write that they love crossdressing and would not stop even if they could, I suspect that those of us who are married and love our spouses, could not or would not make that statement until they had first come to the realization that they were born this way and have accepted that fact and have been able to explain this to their spouses.

Its not easy being married to a crossdresser, BUT, IT IS A LOT HARDER TO BE A CROSSDRESSER.

Good luck !

JoAnne Wheeler

[TxKimberly]

I just don't know what to say. Reading your posts makes me want to cry for both of you. Clearly you are both in a lot of pain and likely headed for even more.

The bad experience you had with your father is clearly a major and traumatic part of your life. Those things are hard to get past with logic. They are deep feelings and do not go away. You are not a bad person - you are a person who has been shocked and hurt, and hurt on an open wound at that.

As others have said, many marriages work very well. Like Holly, I have been happily married for many years (over 21). My wife is all right with knowing about it, but does not wish to participate in any way or see it. I can live with that. I can't think of a "logical" reason you and yours can't use the same arrangement where you and the children don't have to see it. (again, I understand logic has nothing to do with this)

For what ever it's worth, I spent more than 12 years active duty Army, to include working on nukes with a top secret clearance. In other words, under a good deal more scrutiny than most soldiers would be under. This in no way affected my career and with a little common sense there is no need for it to affect your husbands either. My getting out of the service was because my wife and I were tired of the constant separation the military family must endure. It had nothing to do with cross dressing.

I think Holly's suggestion is great. If you honestly love your husband, wouldn't it be worth at least trying the "don't ask, don't tell" policy where you agree not to dump him and he agrees to keep it out of your sight? Isn't your marriage worth at least the try?

[jina]

Hi Friend,... I can tell you that you came to a good place here; you will not be judged. Everyone will try to help.

My wife and I have 5 kids, are very happy and she supports my TG / CD personality (although she has had a problem from time to time, but by and large they have been resolved).

I am guessing that I'm a bit older than you,.. and I have seen a lot and tend to be an intuitive person. I wish to share with you an insight that I pass along with love.

I figured out some time ago that the reason a lot of people leave marriages is that marriage has this little hidden component that most of us don't realize until later in the game... here is the secret: marriage forces people to face themselves in ways that nothing else ever can or would.

I suggest to you that this situation of your's could be bringing up a lot of unresolved things with possible abandonment issues etc. from your birth father. It is possible that wanting to run with your daughter is an attempt to protect the "child you".

I have been to a bit of therapy over the years at important moments in my life. I know firsthand how our longstanding hurts, disappointments can take an unseen toll on a person later in life,.. many times invisibly.

Please give counciling a shot before pulling the plug. You might be amazed,... and you might need healing for yourself in the process.

Just my two cents,... forgive me if I'm off base..

With Love, jina

[suzy cool]

He loves you. You love him. I suspect what you said about divorce was just a way of expressing your fear of the subject. People say very hurtful things when they are scared.
You are not a bad person at all. You are just having a mental dilemma and probably feeling a little insecure after having a baby. So what you feel and how you reacted is quite understandable. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[unhappywife]

the simple fact of knownig would make it hard for me to look at him the same way. as for my daughter I want her own experience to determine how she sees the world not things we would introduce her to. me being bisexual has not come in to play with this due to the fact that when me and my husband got married we both committed to not acting on those desires to be with the same sex. so as stated yes I know he will not be able to deal with the whole ignoring the idea because i know I some times wish to act on my desires but don't. I guess in a way yes I am close minded but due to what happened to my family when i was a kid . Your right I am having alot of self esteem issues but they only came around after i got pregnant and havent gone away. as far as counseling my husband refuses to go due to the fact of his job. he is in SF special forces so no aspect of our lives is secret.he has never acted on this the idea came around when one of our friends jokingly dared him to put on a pair of thongs and a bra. as far as does this change the man I married...yes it does the man i married was very against things along these lines. so the idea of him even being interested in this is shocking. I did go to years of counseling to deal with what my father has done to our family and I guess I do blame him for tearing us apart. My husband has asked many things of me that I would not normally do with some one and yet i willing do them with him. his sexuality does come in to play on this mostly due to the fact that he is the bottom on the bi aspect and that as well had caused problems due to the fact that he has sex with a man and cant get hard for me. I dont want a divorce but I dont want him acting on this at all. I understand that he cant honestly promise me at this point and I told him that in the argument. He told me that since he hasnt acted on this at all that it should be easier for him to just not do it period yet I told him from what I had seen in the post on here on telling your spouse that you cant ignore this.

[Wanda.cd.northern.NH]

I wish I had some wise advice to give, but saddly I don't. I would only suggest that if this is truely the first time he has had the desire, maybe he can just not do it. Most crossdressers, in fact all i know, have been crossdressers since their teens. As a crossdresser i can tell you that my dressing has nothing to do with wanting to be female. I am happy as a male and other then wishing to dress as a female I really do not have the desire to be female. Maybe as my wife who does NOT support my crossdressing lets me have soem timne alone if I tell her I need it. She does not want to see me dressed and said it would probably end our marriage. We have been married since 1969. Our children where never told and they don't know and neither does your daughter have to know. If you both really love each other there should be some middle ground for you both. I wish you good luck and hate to see a marriage, especially with children involved broken up. Wanda

[Maxi]

The stress you are putting on him is enough that I doubt even viagra could help him at this time. When things relax, he'll be able to perform again.:hugs:

[Holly]

Unhappy, I am a huge proponent of working together to work things out. But you seem to have your mind made up and have not seemed willing to even entertain the possibility of reconciliation. If that is indeed the case, and you are unwilling to consider the possibility that your husband is more dimensioned that the special forces man that you married then maybe it is for the best for you both to cut your losses now. That's a shame. All living organisms change with time. The chances of you finding someone who will conforms to your ideals throughout her/his lifetime are pretty slim. :sad:.

[jessielee]

dear Unhappy Wife,
welcome; i am glad you're here. it signifies you are willing to compromise, to learn, to reach for help.
herein, i use "he" in deference to our use, though most of us here say "her" about each other. so please pardon me, sisters.
i grieve for your pain and confusion. and i am very sorry that you are disgusted; i don't take it personally. of course your perceptions are coloured by the pain, anguish and torture you endured when so very young.
my father abandoned my mother and i when i was three days old. at least that's the story i heard all my life, during the years when i decided that males were creeps, all of them, not just him, and not just because of him. i know him now and have come to see there were two sides to the story. but a foundation was laid, unintentionally.
i, too, believe in traditional family roles but didn't set out to feel the way i do. it doesn't feel like a choice or a lack or discipline or willpower.
coming from a very conservative upbringing, i never dressed in women's clothes (but for brief undergarment experimentation when younger) until recently for there was so much i didn't know about myself or my feelings. i only knew i felt wrong and was called names all my life. i am 100% committed to my family and would/will give this up if a choice has to be made. thus, i stay in the closet, earning some reproof from many members here who see my secrecy as the real crime, not dressing, but i withhold out of love, in deference to what i know she could not handle. however, my wife appreciates that she doesn't have a stereotypical macho man, though she doesn't know why i'm so "sensitive." don't get me wrong, watching football nonstop and talking economics and politics is fine and not gender specific. yet my wife thanked me for not being there this Thanksgiving last and appreciates i can stop to ask for directions even though i have stellar map reading skills. rambling, i'm sorry.
i urge you to breathe deeply and slow down, please.
some questions:
established-you can't deal with the idea. but, you "love him more than anything." do you love more than fear? love more than even fear of this? the unknown, the incomprehensible? greater barriers have been bridged by love.
why must he divorce you to "go be happy," please? i don't understand why you believe he has to go out or away to be happy. sure, to be "100% him," i see, but it may be more complex than that. i don't see that he is trying to go out and hook up with a partner other than you or that he is competing with you in anyway. i see that he desires you. and he wants you to know and to not hide who he is from you. this has got to be good. as said above, it is a time for strategies and possibilities rather than ultimatums and fighting, in my humble opinion.
there is revealing truth in him desiring to be with you, to be happy with you, that is not threatened by his desire to be happy with himself. even as not all of us seek male attention and not all of us plan to become transitioned via surgery or even to live as an apparent woman; we are all so different. except most of us didn't feel right in our skin.
you are not a terrible wife. your care and concern are evident. i, like many here, felt a terrible person all my life for reasons i had no inkling of. call me a deviant, but here, in secret but for sharing here, i have found i'm not alone nor am i public enemy number one. i have found a sisterhood of compassion and acceptance and i have learned to forgive and accept myself in the face of angst i couldn't begin to identify all these years. this may sound outrageous, but wearing a skirt has helped me to stand taller as head of my family, to empathize with my little ones and be slower to anger and frustration with my life partner, my wife, to better pull up and buckle my coarse work jeans and buckle them. i feel more of a whole person, soft and firm at the same time.
please don't divorce him simply over this. certainly, he can compromise too, for love. i would. you mean so much to him. it is confusing but not hypocritical to feel so dualistic. please, give your union more time and more chance.
we are here for you, friend.
i pray for your peace and for guidance and direction.
may God bless and comfort you.
warmly,
jessie

[jessielee]

please pardon me for going on so! whilst i was composing, my more succinct sisters advised you beautifully and without drabbage.
your partner may not really be a crossdresser! it was something new and surprising and he says he doesn't need it! does he desire it?
secondly, arousal. agree with Maxi, he's under such pressure right now!
it seems to me he wants nothing more than to be with you and you say you want that, too.
Holly is right, too. no one is going to live up to all your hopes! but the basic level of comfort, of being at ease, with no guard up, this is so crucial.
no one wants to be rejected for being who we feel we are.
expressing it? that can be negotiated.
some things are more important, like your precious little girl.
may you find your comfort zones in each other.
all my best wishes, dear.
jessie

[mklinden2010]

Poor child!

Life is complicated and who knows why this came up now and what it might really be about. The CDing is not that big a deal in many relationships... People, fish, golf, and drink to excess - just not all in the same day.

But, seriously, this seems a heck of thing for him to toss into your already crowded pond. Yes, by all means, slow down. Keep going to work, taking care of the baby, and see if the sky stays up there where it belongs.

A good question to ask him and yourself is, "Why now?" CDing usually doesn't just start one day when you're 20 or 25; usually there are things that come along before it. And, not all CD people are identical in so many ways. We're all in the same boat, but some are First Class, some are Steerage, and somebody else owns the durned boat!

It's likely there are reasons why this is coming up now. Maybe he wants to honest, or, more honest now that he's a father... He just got stuck trying to be a better man when he feels he isn't good enough yet. Sure, it could happen; men can be honorable at the oddest times. And, all in all, there's all sorts of pressure that can trigger all sorts of behavior. Perhaps stress, of any type, just pushed him to act out like this? At least, as someone noted, he's not doing pills and stuff. Whew!

A wife and husband's duty is to listen to their partner. Listen, listen, listen. Maybe he needs to cry about this a little too. Maybe you could forgive him for that. And, he needs to hear you out too. Right now, it's too soon to agree on anything. Just talk - and walk to let off some stress - then talk some more.

Seek honesty, find a path that works for everyone's happiness.

Your life can be a good one.

[ReineD]

Dear Unhappy,

I am also a female at birth, and I am in a loving relationship with a CDer. My SO expresses his female side a few times per week with my support, and the rest of the time we go on about our daily lives. Neither my SO nor I are ready to be out and public about this to family and friends.

You are obviously very upset right now over having just found out. Please don't make any harsh decisions right away. Give yourself a week or two to think things through thoroughly, before making the decision to remove your daughter's father from her daily life. Your little one needs you to be as open minded as you can in order to preserve her family. She deserves to continue being involved with a dad who loves her.

And please do not punish your husband for unresolved hurts you still carry with your own dad. If you think about this and decide to try to work through the issue with your husband, you may discover a way to also work through the pain you experienced with your own father's CDing. I know what it feels like to work through old hurts, and believe me the feeling of freedom is exhilarating when it can be done.

You could take this time to find out more about CDing from the experts. Please understand that every crossdresser is different, every situation and family is different, and what happened to you and your mother when you were young does not have to happen to you or your daughter now. Educating yourself and talking to your husband does not mean you will ever be forced into accepting anything you do not want to accept. I do not know how your father behaved when he came out to your family, if he went over the top and began thinking only of himself. The couples who stay together and who do go on to have happy marriages learn to compromise with aspects of the CDing in a way to respect everyone's boundaries.

It CAN be done. And as Holly said, it does NOT have to get into your bedroom.

You mentioned sexual problems. There are other reasons than crossdressing that may affect a man's libido and it would be a shame to end the marriage without trying to resolve this with your husband.

I wish you, your husband, and your little girl all the best. You do love your husband, and for your sake and his, I do hope you will wait a while before giving up. In the meantime, please keep posting here and ask as many questions as you need to. After 10 posts, you can join the FAB (female at birth) section where you can discuss your issues privately with other wives, if you wish. See the link at the bottom of my signature.
:hugs:

[Karren H]

Personally I don't think your a bad wife or person after all you didn't sign up for this same was as my wife didn't.. I wouldn't blame any wife from divorcing their husband in a heart beat.. so you need to think this one out and do what's best for you and your child and your family if you decide to go that route..

I'm lucky my wife accepted and loves me as her husband and doesn't really want to know about my crossdressing.. A blind eye thing..

[Jonianne]

Dear unhappywife, the fact that you joined this forum says a lot to me. It says that there is something in you that does want to save your marriage.

It says that there is an inkling of at least a desire to have some acceptance of the cd'ing since this is a cd'ing site. You could have gone to plenty of other sites that are not supportive of crossdressing at all.

It says you want help in possibly changing your feelings at least a little bit.

It says you love your husband.

It says you have hope.

It says you love yourself.

It says you are looking for support. You will get it here both from us CD'ers and the females in our lives that love us but don't understand us either. A popular television psychologist once said that in relationships 90% of the issues are unresolveable. What couples do that make it, is to work out the differences and compromising to some degree. This must happen for any successful marriage to work. Both sides.

You are not a bad person and you must take care of yourself and your child however that means. Your happyness is vital as well. (If moma ain't happy, nobody's happy) We don't know how things will work out for you. We hope both of you can be happy together in the long run.

We are here listening.

[balletchick]

The first thing I would strongly recommend to you is not threaten divorce unless you really mean it. My ex wife use to throw divorce around like crazy making threats all the time it was like you bought the wrong kind of milk so I want a divorce. We had more problems than just my crossdressing, but if the other party hears divorce enough eventually they will say okay like I did.

Rather than being so completely down on crossdressing you may want to give it and your husband a chance, and give it a real try because you can always get divorced later but give it a chance for everybody involved. After giving it a try then consider other options.

He won't be able to quit, you can surpress it for a while but it will always come back.

I say indulge your husband you have nothing to lose and everything to gain you say you love him then he is worth the indulgence.

Divorce should be the very last resort when all else has failed. Good luck to you.

[PortiaHoney]

As lots have said, the fact you are here shows you are not a "bad Wife". Secondly, you are seeking more advise on what is involved. This is an emotional subject for anyone. No wife expects here husband to announce he like dressing in their clothes. No husband expects to want to do that either, especially as he may have had little interest in that before.

It's a complicated thing. It's good to talk and seek advise. He may not have had the temptation of having female gear at such close quarters before. He may in some way be trying to get closer to you via your clothing (weird sounding but it happens). There are lots of triggers for this behaviour.

Councelling is a good option. Nothing discussed ever needs to be made public.

Threats are a natural form of defense. Not necessarily a good one. Compromise needs to be reached and it is a matter of exploring both your options before setting the boundaries. It may be he just needs permission to be himself and that will be enough (not actually act out the fantasies). It may be you can live with him doing it in private, away from you. It may be that you join in to certain levels (shopping, talking, tips etc).

Open communication is the key. Knowing where your comfort level is is the answer. Divorce should only be considered if the two of you are no longer compatible at all and at opposite end of the arguement and no compromise can be reached. This doesn't sound like your relationship at all.

PS/ Don't be suckered into the "I just wont do it" arguement. He may believe it but he wont be a better person for it - just frustrated and confused. You both have to be honest with yourselves firstly about how you feel about this. Don't pressure him into exploring it either, he may just push back. When everybody gets over the social expectations and just gets comfortable with it, he can then find what he truely wants.

[TGMarla]

The idea of him wanting to be a female when I am a perfectly functioning one kinda puts a downer on me.You know, many, if not most crossdressers do not really want to be women. They just find it appealing to do so part-time. As often as not, it is sexual fantasy, or merely a fascination with the clothing. Sure, at times, it goes way deeper, but this admission of his is no reason to panic. So often, crossdressers only toy with the idea of "being" women since there is no harm in doing so.

So he likes to wear feminine clothing? So what? So do you (I'm assuming). You would likely answer, "Yes, but I'm a woman!" That's a bit narrow, especially for one who has experimented with alternative sexual lifestyles. You, yourself, wear clothing on a regular basis that was, until recently, reserved only for men. If he has an attraction to clothing that is currently reserved only for women, then it is considered "crossdressing". Is this what they thought of women who dared to wear pants way back in the '30s? Probably not. I understand that there is a difference; I'm only trying to pull some of the blinders from your eyes.

He's no less of a man simply because he likes to crossdress. In fact, he may even be more of one, since as one who likes to crossdress, he is in a more unique position to understand your feelings, your thoughts, and your fears. If you love him, understand that this is one of the things that makes him the man you love, whether you were aware of it at first or not. Treat him as a man, accept him for his affectations, and grow as a person. You'll both be better off for it.

Crossdressing is a poor reason to scrap a perfectly good relationship.

[Violetgray]

Wow. There's little I can say that hasn't been put better by others here already.

I won't put you through an overabundance of text, I just want to stress some key points.

1.) Whatever your decision ends up being, make it later. Emotionally you are not in the right place to make any decision about the long term, even if it's one in his favor.

2.) Realize how much of this is ultimately about your father. As touched on earlier, it is really unfair to him and to yourself to judge your current experiences by that one. He's not your father, you're not your mother, if you work together you can give this story a better ending.

3.) You said earlier that you want your child to be open-minded from her own experiences, not what you two do. It doesn't work that way. It's always up to the parents to teach their kids to be open minded, that's the only place they get it from.

Please keep us posted, and be well...

[unclejoann]

You and your husband must just love and enjoy your baby right now. That is the only thing of importance.

[Dana]

I'm not to going to comment so much other than to say you're not a terrriable and horrible person.

You are what you are, he is what he is ~ and it is what it is.

Personally I would recommend both individual and marriage couseling. Your both are probally young, and got married in a fever, without taking the time to find out who and what you are as people, individuals and exploring who and what you are. So for now just back off on any and all issues, and go out into the "ville" (off and away from base).

That is to say, if your stationed at Fort Bragg, or Cornodo, Ca, then you need to find a IC and MC well away from the base. If the military finds out about it? His being Bi or a CD its a court martial offense under the UCMJ, and they will prosecute!

There isn't any "patient confidentionality" in the military. Anything you say to a military counselor/psych "can and will be used against you!" (Ref: "The Caine Muintiy"). This is because its come up time and time again in determining "fitness for command"

There are some "confidentiallity" issues in speaking with a military parson/chaplian/ preist ~ but even they can be compelled to testify you under certain circumstances and in regards to certain subjects.

Its obvious to me that you and he both need both IC and MC, and that both of you have un-resolved isssues from your childhoods. And that's not being judgemetal, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Most of us do, and it takes most of us a lifetime to resolve it without IC.

[thatgirl]

dont think what has happend in the past is going to happend now. the past is the past cant do anything about it. The persent is now, you make the change of what will happend in the future of today and tomarrow. Life is different for then. you said you had friends that were like that and you accepted them why cant you accept and deal with your husband.

why make it so dificult for yourself, trying to find excused not to be with him because of his cding and/or because of what happend to your family in the past. why are you letting this get you. maybe its you that have the biggest problem in this picture. you said you want your family to be opened mined. how could that ever happend when you are still closed minded.

[Brina Halloween]

Lots of great advise.

I had only two thoughts from reading your posts that I might mention:

1. While everyone is different, I would not assume that a person cross dressing is trying to be a girl. The ones that are appear on TV shows. Consider it the ultimate compliment. Was there any 10 year old girl that didn't want to be Myley Cyrus two years ago? Or even today...

2. I have heard many times that we chose people that are like our parents. I can remember one girl that I really wanted a date with. I saw some article that mentioned this and the next time I saw her I realized she would probably look like my grandmother in 50 years..... Same thing is said about alcohol. I heard that one tonight in fact. I wonder how much your husband is like your father. Only you can decide, only you can choose the outcome from this.

Even if he can't talk to a counselor, I suspect what you say to one is confidential and could not be used against him. Especially if it is not a military counselor.

Good Luck,

Brina

[Dana]

You and your husband must just love and enjoy your baby right now. That is the only thing of importance.


BINGO! BULLSEYE! DEAD-ON!

Once you've had a child together? Its all about them and none about YOU!


why make it so dificult for yourself, trying to find excused not to be with him because of his cding and/or because of what happend to your family in the past. why are you letting this get you. maybe its you that have the biggest problem in this picture. you said you want your family to be opened mined. how could that ever happend when you are still closed minded.

So not fair! You've so NOT lived the Life she's lead! Experienced what she's experienced!

I've "played' on via the internet? Most male types are "Wham Bam! Thank you, Ma"am!" IOW'S?

PIGS!

[AmandaM]

Hi, I just wanted to say that when my wife met me, I was a macho-type, into cage fighting, ex-military combat arms-friends in sf, ex-cop, ex-biker, you name it. She was a blond college cheerleader who's brother played on the football team. So, you can see our relationships are similar in that regard. After a couple of months of dating, I let her know about my hobby, she said, "so". And to this day she doesn't care. The difference between her and you? She didn't grow up with the stress about it that you had. Your past causes you to project the hurt, pain, etc. from your dad onto your husband. I think that if you realize that your husband is not your dad, your bad reaction to it will minimize. It reminds me of a friend who became a Buddhist cause his Baptist preacher dad used to beat him severely. I asked my friend, "Why is that God's fault?". It's not, and it's not your husband's either. Realize what you have may be better than what you think you need.

[unhappywife]

well I am now sleeping on the couch and as it stands we have both decided till he makes up his mind that we will act as a married couple but not really be one. as for whats been said I have to thank all of you but I guess in the end the choice was there already. my daughter will always know her father loves her but I cant be with some one. when I got married to him i had the image of a man being a man and this is just some thing I cant wrap my mind around. some of this might be from what my birth dad did to my family but right now in this stage of life I cant deal with this. I have my daughter to worry about and if I am an emotional wreck then I cant take care of her as needed.l my husband will be on his way to germany in febuary and I will be staying here in the states. I brought up the idea of maybe he wasnt really a cross dresser and told him to stay in our marriage I needed him to tell me that knowing how I feel he doesnt want this and he cant. saddly enough that just put in to my mind that this is some thing I know I can not handle. I do need to work through my own issues so maybe us being married isnt a good idea. I will not stop loving him but I know I cant love him for every thing he is. you all tell me I am not a bad wife but for not being able to handle this I feel as if maybe my days of being with any one is over. I never wanted him to be 100% of what I wanted but I know in my heart and soul that this is not some thing I will be able to handle . Its either he doesnt do it and by asking him to do that your right I am asking him to lie to him self about who he is or he goes and finds some one who can accept every thing about him. I guess in a way I feel I am making the right choice for him so he doesnt have to hide this or lie to him self about some thing he truly wants.

[suchacutie]

Dear Unhappy

Welcome to this forum. I've been here a couple of years and found that there is just about every imaginable variation of "gender investigation" represented on this forum. That alone should say something about the wide variation of experiences we all have had, and the different expectations we all bring to this side of us.

I only found this feminine side of me 3.5 years ago. I did find it in the presence and with the ehcouragement of my wife. After a couple of days the thought did hit her to say, "you do understand that I need the man I married". I explained to her that, as always, SHE came first in my life and never would our exploration of my feminine self upstage that agreement.

So far you haven't told us what your husband's goal is in crossdressing. Truly, if his goal is to use his feminine presentation as a means to go sexually outside of your marriage, than it's not the crossdressing that's an issue, but his consideration of your marriage agreement. However, if his goal, like mine, is to explore the femininity he feels within himself, and keep it private to the two of you, then this is a very different situation. I never intend to stop being a man, but there are times when is so pleasant for Tina and my wife to spend an evening together (Tina and my wife are totally platonic!).

Please, ask him to be clear and open about his goals, and if they are out of line with your marriage agreement, you should, in my opinion, challenge that. If not...if he is eager to explore his feminine side with your help, and within the boundaries you set (e.g. keep this totally private to the two of us) you might find that suddenly you have an incredibly empathetic, thoughtful, and understanding husband.

all our wishes for your best,
tina

[curse within]

Hi Unhappy.

First thing first..I would like to say thank you to your husband for serving this Country of ours ..

Your in a pickle sweetie...You have made it clear that his desire to dress is not acceptable if you can not get past that point your marriage should be desolved.. Why waste another 10 to 20 years..Because I tell you what he will not stop as much as he wants to as much as he loves you and his child he will continue to do it..He can control when and where he does it you don't have to like or accept it to stay with him

I would read more on crossdressing before you make and rash desicions..if you go the the loved ones section there are some links you can follow explaining some about crossdressing..I can go there for you and post them here if you like?..Let me know..

Best of luck Please make sure you at least read up on it before you judge him..

C.W.

[Raquel June]

You're overwhelmed by emotions and you're being totally irrational.




... my husband just told me he is in to cross dressing. My automatic response was to tell him if he really wanted that then to divorce me and go be happy because I could not deal with the idea. I still cant. He then told me that he would ignore the idea, I tried to tell him that it wasn't some thing that he could just ignore but as it is sitting he still wants to try to ignore the idea.

Look at what you said:

- you told him if he wanted to crossdress then he should divorce you

- you said his desire to crossdress is not something he can ignore

He's telling you he wants to forget about it and go back to a normal life, but you're saying that's not possible. Your mind is made up. Time for a divorce. This is a decision you have made. Don't blame it on him. Don't argue about it. Don't make him miserable holding it over his head if you're not going to change your mind. Just get divorced.




He has never acted on his desire to cross dress, in fact he didn't get the idea till he married me.

You sure about that? That's extremely rare. Many crossdressers had those feelings at a very young age, and at the latest they started to realize something they weren't quite normal as they were going through puberty.




I then tried the it will ruin your life( keep in mind my husband's job is the military).

You need to stop panicking and put some thought into this. Just because he wants to get prettied up doesn't mean he's going to show up at work dressed like Corporal Klinger.

I hang out with several crossdressers in the Air Force, and three Viet-Nam vets. I'm a software engineer for a defense contractor. Although I wouldn't show up to work in a skirt, I'm not worried about crossdressing ruining my life.




I have seen first hand what this does to a family and I also know that there are two kinds of familys when it comes to this. There is the kind of family that can deal with any thing and make it through some thing like this and then there is what my family is, it gets torn apart.Maybe not right away but it slowly gets torn apart.

That's a horrible outlook. If you're going to say that your family is weak and can't take any kind of hardship, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might as well get divorced now. Even if it's not crossdressing, something will eventually come up that is "impossible for your family to deal with," so just get it over with. But I have to ask -- why is your family so fragile?




Now some of you might be thinking I am close minded but I can assure you I am not. I am bisexual and so is my husband I have a few friends who do cross dress and I am all for the idea of them being happy, but see here is the difference I am not married to them.

Regardless of how many girls you fooled around with when you were younger, you're a married woman now. You made a choice to be in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with a man. It's time to stop referring to yourself as bisexual.

Were you sexually abused as a child? Or was one of your parents a drug addict or alcoholic? Or is it just that your father left you at a very young age? Have you been diagnosed as bipolar or borderline?

Did you used to date the "bad boys" (and the occasional girl) then finally settled down with a nice guy? And this nice guy just doesn't flip your cookie like the a**holes you used to date, does he? Especially after his revelation of a feminine side!

I'm getting the feeling from you that I get from a lot of women who went through childhood trauma and are now on a subconscious mission to create chaos and sabotage their relationships. You really need therapy. And if you want to save this relationship, you need to get therapy along with your husband. Don't fool yourself. You already let the cat out of the bag about your total lack of family (and personal) stability. This is not all about your husband. You need help.




I have had experience with the cross dressing life style before when I was younger and I saw it tear a more or less happy family apart and caused more mental issues for the daughter that was involved.

That's why it's usually a bad idea for crossdressers to dress up in front of their kids, kinda like it's usually a bad idea for them to dress up at work. You've gotta use common sense. Just because some crossdressers lose their jobs or traumatize their kids doesn't mean that all of them will.





My husband told me that being with me would make him more then happy yet if that was the case how can he sit here and ignore part of who he is and still be happy?

Again, you are the one telling him that even if he forgets about it he now has no options other than divorce. You are the one that's going to have to change your attitude if you don't want to get divorced.




I offered to let him go and be happy since I could not cope with the idea. The idea of him in woman's clothing is a sexual turn off for me. I even told him that he would probably be happier with some one who could deal with the idea. Needless to say what he wanted to be a talk turned in to an argument of about 12 hours and resulted in me grabbing my daughter and some of hers and my belongings and going to stay with a friend.

Wow! You know he wants to say with you, but you offered to divorce him! That's awfully generous of you.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. You can't blame your issues on him. He mentioned crossdressing, and you said you can't deal with it, so he said to forget about it. You won't forget about it, though. Instead of forgetting about it, you argued for 12 hours and took his daughter and left. At this point I have to change my mind and say that you are in fact a terrible person.

You're not a terrible person because you had a bad childhood. You're a terrible person because you haven't gotten any help for it, and now you're making other people miserable. You're going to make sure that your new daughter has a childhood that's just as chaotic as yours was, and she's going to have all the problems that you did. So the cycle of abuse continues...




I have never had a successful relationship more or less till I got with my husband. I have always been the person to make the sacrifice to make the relationship work and I have always been the one who had to make the choice of this or them.

Yeah, you never had a successful relationship because you always dated a**holes. You made sacrifices for for a**holes but the relationship still didn't work out. Then you accidentally got hooked up with a nice guy, and you can't stand it. You have to sabotage the relationship.

None of your relationships have been successful up till this one, and you're trying your hardest to make it fail. What do all your bad relationships have in common? You can't blame this on your partners. Even if you could blame it on them, the fact is that you're the one who chose these partners, so obviously you have bad judgement. You're wired wrong. You need help.




So being in the position of making him make this choice makes me feel as if I am the most horrible person around. I just want some insight on what to do about all of this.

Stop lying to yourself! You're not giving him a choice! You're telling him that he can't take back what he said and now there's no option other than divorce. Don't blame this on him. This is your decision. He doesn't have any say in it.

You might think your situation is unique, but it's not. You're actually a very classic case. You really need therapy. A good therapist can really help. They've seen all your problems before.

Never mind how miserable you're making your husband. You will never be happy unless you address whatever personal issues you have which are making you think this way.



I've gotta admit I only skimmed the rest of this thread after your initial post. People are trying to address the crossdressing part of it, and that's fine, but even if you resolve that completely, you're still going to find a way to destroy this marriage. It's not that I'm a mind reader, it's just that I've seen the way people work, and this is a very common cycle you're acting out. It just happens to have been set off by a comment about crossdressing.




Edit:

OK, I lied. I went back and looked through your other posts, and...


some of this might be from what my birth dad did to my family

Bingo. You're not a unique snowflake. You've gone through what millions of women have gone through. You just need some help.

[Di]

I am a GG too ( FAB) :D Please do not do anything rash. You just had a baby:love:
the intense hormone fluctuations after a delivery and the major changes a baby brings into one's life (such as sleep deprivation) can contribute to feelings of not thinking clearly, depression and even rage. Having a baby IS ONE of the most dramatically life-altering events one can experience, and finding out now is making you over react. In the scheme of life you will realize this is not such a big deal as you thinking it is right now.
Please do this.....do not act rash, maybe find someone to talk to (counseling) AND REMEMBER THIS...this is the same person you love...NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
Best Wishes:hugs:

[Sandra]

Hi

I too am a GG and happily married to a cder for 20 years all of this time she has cd, so not all marriages are doomed. :)

I do agree with Di about how things are with just having a baby, everything is upside down, mole hills become mountains.

With the hormones surging around like no ones business, and what happened when you were younger, is going to make to wonder and most likely react as you have done, but please just stop and re-think.

He is still your husband underneath the clothing, clothing do not make the person.

I really do hope you can accept this, being married to a cder is not a bad thing, infact it opens up a whole range of things.

[Desiree2bababe]

Kimberly's advice is sound. I too have been married 23 years with two children and have kept it out of their lives.

I would hope your major concern now would be for your daughter, I would think growing up without an at home father would be more damaging than having a father than may crossdress. Being a military man, I would suspect he would have the discipline to keep this part of his being a secret until your daughter's is old enough to know.......

I wish your marriage the best of luck........

[lynn1969]

Wow.

Unhappywife, let's see what you have on your plate. You have a (relatively) new marriage, a new baby, issues w/ post-partum depression, a husband who is being deployed to Germany soon leaving you at home alone, unresolved childhood trauma which is directly tied in w/ crossdressing, as well as intimacy issues w/ the husband and all that can do to your and his self esteem. Hmm......

W/ this all on your plate, now is not the time to make any major decisions.

Take a deep breath, and step back.

Raquel (sp? apologies if I got your name wrong) just gave you a dose of tough love, and although the message is harsh, she has some good points. I disagree w/ her that you are a terrible person, you just have a lot of things swirling around in your head right now and must feel so lost.

There is a theory that you subconsciously choose your life partner in order to work out unresolved issues from your childhood. There is a huge opportunity for you to have some major growth here. What you do w/ that opportunity is up to you.

You do need your husband to explain what he wants to accomplish w/ his crossdressing and what he wants to get out of it, without that you don't really know what you are dealing w/.

Sick around, keep posting so you can join the FAB forum, there is a lot of great info on this site.

[Bridged]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you will stay awhile and try to work through your feelings before you make a final decision!

I just wanted to let you know that time can change things for you. I'm sure that you are aware of your hormonal changes after having baby, plus you were just handed a GIANT bit of information about your husband. Please, give yourself some time. Concentrate on being a mom right now, you can deal with your husband when you are feeling a bit more comfortable.

I have been married for 10 years now, I just found out about my husbands' cding, and I have to tell you, it threw me for quite a loop! I contemplated divorce, not because of the crossdressing as much as the years of lying, hiding etc...

That was only a few months ago. I have a new perspective on things only a short time later. I would have NEVER believed that I would be where I am today, if you told me back in August.

Please stay here, ask all the questions you want, but most importantly, listen to what is being said to you. Take some time to look at your husband for WHO he is, not what he wears. It's may seem impossible right now, but it's up to you to remain rigid in the concept of not being able to handle cding or not............it's up to YOU.

Good luck,

Bridged

[2b.Lauren]

I certainly am not able to offer anything of substance that has not already been said by all the wonderful ladies before me. As a professional counselor who works with families, couples, and adolescents I have seen many of the experiences you have discussed, and am sure that I might experience the same diffculties in my marriage as you. My wife would not support my choices as a CD, and therefore I do not make it an issue in our relationship. I make sure that I keep that side of me to myself. I might have shortchanged both of us by not talking with her about this but I feel it more important right now to keep things as they are. Not broken so don't try to fix it, because she and I have bigger issues. Right now all of this is such a shock to you and you are flooded by the many feelings and memories that you experienced as a child watching your parents (a child's rock, support, stability, their world) fall apart around you because of this decision not just limited to the actual act, but the discovery as well. So hopefully you will allow yourself and husband the time to settle the dust and then when it is appropriate set a time that you both can talk more, and not argue. When I say set a time it is to help initiate boundaries to make sure both of you have the time, ability, and energy to devote to a healthy discussion verses a 12 hour fight. If you have engagements or to work or to do something with the family or others, are hungry, tired, not feeling well, etc etc, then leave it alone. You must both be willing to set limits on the conversation in order to assure that both of your needs are met. Arguments that go on that long are just so unhealthy and actually have lost there affectiveness within the first 30 or less minutes. Neither of you felt validated but the fight still continued.

Don't allow yourself to believe in generalizations from your past, present, or even the popular world view. Both of you entered into a relationship knowing a valued part of each others past and that was the bi-sexual peice. You were able to come to terms and set boundaries on that aspect of your relationship. Each of you committing to not have sex with anyone else especially the same sex. You might have the desire as you mentioned but you are still devoted to your agreement with each other and do not act on feelings or desires that you know are off limits. I commend both of you on being able to set those limits and boundaries in advance to have a healthy relationship. So if you both want to you can work out an agreement regarding his CD'ing. This really is not a relationship buster (unless you both can not come to terms) but a chance to deepen your trust and regard for each other. So now you know he does this, and it has caused major ambivalence for how you see him and your relationship. So is this a situation where you must say is it too good to leave or too bad stay, after having this knowledge. Please for your own sake, his and your child's take the necessary time to explore this with each other. After you set the boundaries if you still feel uncomfortable then you must reevaluate the decision. If you are not able to get past this and it is a barrier or hurdle, then yes you owe it to yourself to move on. I have reached this place in my own relationship but it has nothing to do with my CD'ing, but many other problems my wife and I have. So take time, let this settle, and then come back together very very soon and have a healthy conversation.

Thanks for you post here, no judgement just wishing you and yours the most successful resolution possible as you explore this!

Lauren

[AmandaM]

I agree with the recent posts. Give it some time, a few months, before you decide on divorce. Some here are married, and their spouses don't want to see it, hear it, etc. So, maybe you two need to stop talking about it or making it the elephant in the living room.

[sometimes_miss]

Unhappy, it's time to make your intellect start working for you, and not get carried away in hurt feelings. Yes, we fall in love with an image, an image we create of our beloved based on everything we know about them. The sexual attraction we feel, and the love we have, are all intertwined and focused on the image we have created.
Now, the image you had of your husband has been changed forever. The pure masculine has been forever changed, into something you weren't ready to deal with. But you should. Your husband is the same person he's always been. It's just what you know of him that has changed. He loves you just the same. He's attracted to you just the same. He's willing to do whatever he can for you, just the same as he always has. If he's having any sexual problems, it's more related to a temporary crisis in confidence that he has, related to how he feels you perceive him now.
You say you're bisexual; then surely, you have seen females who were attractive, and may now examine what it was about them that was attractive. Also, surely, you will be able to find some similarities between those women, and the feminine qualities and characteristics your husband now wants to be able to express as his own.
It's not so much that we want to be women, although for some, if we had started out that way our lives may have been quite different, possibly better, possibly not. It's more that we have a overwhelming desire to express certain female qualities, desires, and feelings (probably some you would find in yourself) that we sometimes see as better than the male ones we pretend to temporarily discard when we 'dress up'. We want to embrace beauty; kindness; selflessness; nurturing those we love; caring more about others feelings than perhaps we think a man could get away with without being derided; expressing our full range of emotions in ways that a woman is allowed to, and a man is not. And yes, sometime focusing on ourselves, wanting our SO's to pay us some of the intense sexual attraction that we always feel for them.
He will always be 'the man you married'. He is the sum of everything he is, what you know, and what you don't know, and he always has been, whether you knew it or not. All the things he has done in the past, all the love he's expessed to you, were in part partially based on the 'feminine' side of him that you never knew about. Knowing that, can you really stop loving him? Can you just stop being attracted to him, because you didn't know where so much of his good qualities came from? I don't think you can; I think that if you rush into separating from him, you'll regret it tremendously in the long run. I know you feel hurt right now, but this will pass.
Don't rush into anything, don't make any rash decisions based on hurt, frustration, or even anger.
In the meantime, allow him to continue to crossdress in private if you aren't able to deal with it. Making him try to stop won't work. It never does.
Continue to talk to others about this. Seek out support groups for SO's of crossdressers. Ask other's opinions there, and read up on what makes us 'tick' (although, it varies greatly from CD'er to CD'er'. But it's best to get a working knowledge of all the possibilities. Then perhaps you can understand your SO a bit better, perhaps not seeing his crossdressing as a wedge in your relationship, but more of an 'accessory' to it. After all, by embracing female qualities, he's expressing his admiration for everything you are; can you really find fault with that? They do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, no?

[goofus]

Personally I don't think your a bad wife or person after all you didn't sign up for this same was as my wife didn't.. I wouldn't blame any wife from divorcing their husband in a heart beat.. so you need to think this one out and do what's best for you and your child and your family if you decide to go that route..

I'm lucky my wife accepted and loves me as her husband and doesn't really want to know about my crossdressing.. A blind eye thing..

I dunno Karren...having been in relationships with supportive significant others I'd almost prefer that my wife divorced me over "don't ask, don't tell" ... just my :2c:

[charlie]

Hello Unhappy Wife!
I am a cross dresser. My wife wanted to leave me when she found out. Because we love each other we made a agreement that takes care of most of the problem. I went through the whole deal of explaining that just because I wear girls clothes, I was not gay. I also understood that she married a man, not a woman. She did not want to see me as a woman. Our agreement is that she does not have to be part of my dressing. She does not have to see me dressed. I dress when I'm alone or out of town. We do not discuss my need of dressing nor do I get her involved in it. Also, I do not wear her clothes. Try to make an arrangement that you both can work with. It is "for better or worst" you know.

[unhappywife]

so let me ask this the simple fact of knowing has made it impossible for us to be intamate. my husband has never acted on this and as i said it just came out of the blue...so basicly i am supposed to sit on the side and never have sex with him? then whats the point of being married? he wants to be a female with out the surgery (his own words) and thats not what I need nor what I want. yes alot of you gave great advice but the only thing that i can think of to do is what I have done. I have told him I cant have sex with him or even sleep in the same bed with him till he can tell me he doesnt want this. I understand alot of you are in accepting relationships but im not you. for me this does change him and the way i feel about him.we have a marriage counseling appointment next week but as i said i cant continue this marriage till he can tell me this isnt what he wants and if he cant do that then maybe the answer is a divorce....saddly something I would have never suggested if this never came up. I to believe in not throwing that around. His expectations if I let him do this is as follows:

He wants me to have sex with him analy while dressed as a female
He wants to feel like a female with out having to spend the money for the surgery
He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female

You guys sit here and asked me what he wanted out of this and what he wants I cant give him I cant stay married to him with knowing that he even thinks about it. We never had issues in the bed room unless he sleeps with a guy which when alot of you I guess assumed was recently. Our marriage has had alot of problems this is just the topping of the cake.

[Raquel June]

Raquel (sp? apologies if I got your name wrong) just gave you a dose of tough love, and although the message is harsh, she has some good points. I disagree w/ her that you are a terrible person, you just have a lot of things swirling around in your head right now and must feel so lost.

That's just semantics, isn't it?

She may not intend to be a terrible person -- only the worst sociopaths do. She's making terrible decisions which are hurting her husband, though, and will damage her daughter for life. At some point you have to admit that she's responsible.

I really feel bad for her, but I've seen situations like this before. I was in a 12-year relationship with a woman who was sexually abused by her alcoholic father's friends. It was a GREAT relationship for the first few years. Eventually it fell apart, though, even though she never even caught me trying on her clothes (which was rarely). She wasn't consciously trying to hurt people. She wanted to be happy. She wanted me to be happy. She wanted to make her family happy. But in the end she was totally unable to maintain a stable relationship, absolutely refused to talk with anybody about her issues, and lately has been trying to find happiness by dating "tough guys" who are cheating on their wives with her.

Even if the OP gets past this, she will eventually destroy the marriage if she doesn't get help. I've talked to a lot of therapists, taken a lot of psychology classes, and read a lot of books, but what actually made it all come together was listening to over 1000 episodes of Loveline and seeing just how shockingly common this cycle of abuse is (at least in the US).

They very rarely listen. They very rarely get help. They very rarely believe that it has anything to do with them. They just think it's a cosmic coincidence that everybody they get really close to has their life fall apart.

That's why divorce is the best thing for her if she's not going to get help, because at least then her husband has some hope of future happiness (and this has nothing to do with crossdressing). Of course her daughter's still going to have major issues.




He wants me to have sex with him analy while dressed as a female
He wants to feel like a female with out having to spend the money for the surgery
He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female

...

e never had issues in the bed room unless he sleeps with a guy which when alot of you I guess assumed was recently. Our marriage has had alot of problems this is just the topping of the cake.

Wow.

That's a lot different than saying, "He said he wants to crossdress, and I can't accept that, so he told me to forget about it."

Yeah. It's time for a divorce. You can't just go around letting your husband get screwed by guys, whether or not he's wearing a dress.

I still think you have to deal with your past, and I'm sure that incited a lot of your marriage issues, but at this point the relationship is done.

Seriously. Get divorced. Get some help. Do what's right for your daughter. Try to make a stable environment for her. Don't go bringing nutty guys around the house every weekend, whether or not they're bisexual crossdressers.

[Karen C]

I cook for a liveng and a chef once said to me . Look at the plate as if you were blind form birth and you had to describe the plate for someone else what would you tell them.

Well look at it like this you cant see him but you love his voice . He is strong yeat tender when he needs to be . When your alone you feel more secure with him than you ever felt with anyone else . From his footsteps in the house you know where he is and almost what he is dowin in the ketchen . When he is holding the baby you know he is the most confident father figure he/ she could ever have . He is strong yeat loveing . He is secure enough withen him self to be able to teach your child anything and strong enough to be able to answer any question . You know that question could be from the female or the male point of view .

were all human first .
were all born naked .
clothes dont make the woman /man .
there are women that walk around with frumpy jeans and sweatshirts all the time .
there are men that have no fashion sense and there whives pick out all there clothes .

God doesnt care if you go to church in jeans or a suit as long as you go and praise him and believe .

who am I to judge I was born naked to .

[sometimes_miss]

We never had issues in the bed room unless he sleeps with a guy which when alot of you I guess assumed was recently. Our marriage has had alot of problems this is just the topping of the cake.
There's a lot more going on here than just the crossdressing problem. You're both going to have to sit down with an intermediary and hash this one out. Otherwise you may as well just divorce and get it over with.

[jessielee]

There's a lot more going on here than just the crossdressing problem. You're both going to have to sit down with an intermediary and hash this one out.

well, dear,
i offered a lot based on my perception that he'd never acted on it and wasn't a confirmed CDer but that this is just a recent whim. agree with above. how much are both of you willing to forebear with each other? i don't believe its necessarily over already. your relationship and you are both young.this is an incredibly stressful time for you even without this. i agree, if he's screwing around, this has nothing to do with wanting to dress or feel feminine.
it has to do with honour and love and commitment.
i am still pulling for you. but it will require compromise from both of you.
hugs,
jessie

[Sharon]

I have to ask you, unhappywife, why the heck are you here? You ask for help, yet you dismiss out-of-hand all the helpful and caring advice you have received. You are absolutely unwavering.

And may I suggest something? When you next, if ever, begin a thread here or anywhere else, tell us the complete story from the beginning. Don't keep throwing out additional, and very relevant, tidbits that totally change the story. Don't you think it would have been useful for the members to know that your husband wanted to live fulltime as a female from the beginning?

If you truly want help, take the time to consider what is written to you. You are discussing a life-altering situation here, not one that should be reacted to before you and your husband have had time to really consider all the ramifications.

Good luck to you and I truly hope you spend the time loving your baby and getting your emotions back to where they normally are. Divorce, if that is your ultimate decision, will still be an option a month or a year from now.

[Raquel June]

And may I suggest something? When you next, if ever, begin a thread here or anywhere else, tell us the complete story from the beginning. Don't keep throwing out additional, and very relevant, tidbits that totally change the story. Don't you think it would have been useful for the members to know that your husband wanted to live fulltime as a female from the beginning?

She threw out a lot more than an additional tidbit. She totally changed her story. She went from yesterday:


my husband just told me he is in to cross dressing.
...
He then told me that he would ignore the idea
...
My husband told me that being with me would make him more then happy

To today:


He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female


Initially she was grasping at straws. The best she could come up with was complaining that he's in the military and might lose his job if he gets caught. Today she's saying he wants her to use a strap-on to have sex with him.

I think she's just being defensive because of the responses she got. The reality is that she just wants out of the relationship. Maybe he mentioned some fantasy about wanting to be a girl then quickly told her to forget about it, but now she's going to hold it over his head till they get divorced.

Unless she gets therapy and actually changes her mind about a lot of things (which would likely take several years), there is no option for her other than to get divorced. She even came right out and said she is totally turned off by him and never wants to have sex with him again.

Besides, he cheated on her with a man. The marriage isn't going to work. She needs to get rid of him and work on building a stable environment and maybe salvage some fraction of her daughter's childhood. She's a mom now. It's not about what she wants.

[mklinden2010]

OK, so now the plot thickens...

He wants to have anal sex, take the part of the woman, etc., etc., etc.

Yeah, that's a lot more than most Crossdressers themselves sign up for. Not, however, as Seinfeld put it, that there's anything wrong with that...

Oh, wait, yeah there is... You didn't sign up for this and if he wants to change your marriage arrangements so much, then fine... But, so can you. Fair it fair. I get it.

I guess you, the two of you, are going to have to rework your deal. He may be just in the flush and fever of being out with his feelings and his dreams may be running wild... But, still that's a lot of information that he's putting out there and odds are good the bulk of it will ring true over time.

OK, first the crying, then the sighing...

"OK, bub, if that's what you really want to do..."

This can still all work out for the best. He may be a great guy, and, who knows?, an even better woman, or, his version thereof, but having been informed of his new proposals of who to have sex with and how and when, yes, you do get the right to rework the deal. We're not arguing about the fine print here, you know. This is the big print stuff he's trying to reword...

At this time, then, it's very important that you take this new information into the mix for any number of reasons. You didn't marry any other people and you aren't into him thinking he's someone else when you're intimate. A "now and then thing or one time fantasy, OK, maybe..." But, change your role, as his wife too? Ah, nooooo. Not if YOU don't want to. OK to ask, not OK to insist.

Rethinking and replanning a trip, like life, can be done. Saying, "Yes, go ahead -and good luck!" may just open up a far better life than you can imagine right now. Hopefully, for both of you.

Things like this happen in life. Let him do what he wants to do - so long - if that's your preference - that he does it "over there."

It's possible to love people from afar and get on to other things. If you can't be happy together, fine, be happy, or happier, apart.

It can be done.

Sorry you have more work to do; you thought - being married and all, that you had a lot of that behind you already. But, it will probably all work out for the best in the long run. If he's happier that way, there's no sense trying to change him; odds are good he tried that and now he's decided not to fight it. "OK, fine. Thanks for telling me. Good luck with that."

The most likely worse case, scenario, you know, is that you stay together and fight for 20 years and your kids grow up a mess - not because of clothes and sex - but because Mom and Dad don't model good adult behavior and do nothing together but create misery for years...

Everybody deserves better in life than that.

Good luck to you all.

PS

Like I said, he may just be all revved up about his own ideas and being "out" with them. His fever, if that's what it is, may subside and this may be a lot easier to deal with next week than it looks right now. If you can, wait a while before making any big decisions. Probably the slower you can go, the more likely you guys can get it worked out right the first time.

Again, good luck to you all.

[lori m crawford]

i am a cd to an i know what you going throw an my xs wen i told them we split but now we are they best of friends so my thinking is to work it out he cood a lot worst if he love you an the baby an works hard to spoort you the baby so what you cood do worst it is up to you i wood set don an talk about it it will work out if you wont

[Bev06 GG]

i AM A GG too ( FAB) :D Please do not do anything rash. You just had a baby:love:
the intense hormone fluctuations after a delivery and the major changes a baby brings into one's life (such as sleep deprivation) can contribute to feelings of not thinking clearly, depression and even rage. Best Wishes:hugs:

Ditto to that Di. Violetgray also advised against making any decisions at the moment because your not in the right place to make them and I'd have to add a big amen to that too. I too suffered from post natal depression and although not too badly, it did definitely turn my molehills into mountains. Give it some time and dont do anything rash. I'd also advise giving him a ruddy good slap for divulging such information right at your most vulnerable time. Sheesh men, how insensitive can you be, however, given time you might well feel differently about everything, but at the moment you need to concentrate on being a new mum and getting over your depression.
Best of luck. You know where we are if you need to bend an ear or two.
Take care
Bev

[Vicki65]

I guess I find the whole thing disgusting(not trying to offend any one and I am sorry if I do).

Dont worry about that! One thing most of us are is pretty thick skinned. :) I found MYSELF disgusting for such a long time - probably 20 years - before I accepted that THIS is who I am!


The idea of him wanting to be a female when I am a perfectly functioning one kinda puts a downer on me.

Does he want to be a female? I dont. I am happily male, happily straight, happily married. So he's bisexual, perhaps he just wants to explore sexuality further, but do you really think he actually wants to be female? I guess thats a bit of a big step beyond crossdressing as I understand it.

My wife struggled initially, the same way you appear to be doing. I expected she would, but I didn't want to keep any dark secrets. Now she is accepting, she realises I am still 'me'. Nothing has changed. If I wasn't a CD, I wouldn't be me. Would she still love me?

We have boundries too. She doesn't see me dressed. That is MY choice as well. I dont make a good looking female. It doesn't come into the bedroom. Other than that, she gives me the space and time if I need it, and we talk openly about it. It no longer bothers her at all.

This is probably still new for you. Give it time. You've already crossed (IMO bigger) bridges re both your bisexuality, which TBH would be a MUCH bigger deal for both of us!

Hell, its just a bl00dy skirt and high heels after all. It's not like he's a junkie is it? Good luck - keep talking! :hugs:

[AmandaM]

<<He wants me to have sex with him analy while dressed as a female
He wants to feel like a female with out having to spend the money for the surgery
He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female
>>

Whoa! This is different now. It's not just crossdressing. You have a right to your husband. You don't have to accept him living fulltime as a woman. You don't have to indulge his sexual proclivities. You don't have to be a part of his living fulltime. Sounds like he may be transgendered and not a crossdresser. He could, of course, be under enormous stress or something that has brought this out. What about the Army? How's he going to stay in and do this? Lots of questions, few answers. Get to therapy. In a couple of months, if he won't change, and you can't accept his terms, there is no compromise, etc., I will support you 100&#37; if you get a divorce.

[curse within]

Un Happy ..

Has you husband acted any of this out yet? If not get help as everyone else is saying..If so .....Run !! Thats not right you married a man you deserve a man.. Its his own doing ....to bad a child had to be envolved but keep in mind its about the Baby now.. either way you go..Think about that. The BABY!!

[Maxi]

Is it possible with him heading overseas, this could just be a fantasy he would like to fulfill? Could very well be if you fulfilled his fantasy, he might realize it is not what he thought. Or he may enjoy it. This could be a passing fling brought on by stress in his life, or maybe he really has changed. If you can't deal with it, divorce him. Don't stay married to him just for his paycheck. Let him move on and be happy.
From what I gather, he loves you, and is trying to be honest with you. Does this not hold any credability with you. If he kept it a secret, then I would say worry.
You need to decide what is best for you.

Good luck,

[MJ]

unhappy-wife,
please just go find a counselor that you both can talk too. you say you love him. but what about him he loves you too what about his feelings and theres your baby too.

I'm sorry you find the whole thing disgusting. but what have you learned. if you take time to scan the forum you will find that we care we have feelings some of us would love someone who can accept and love us for who we are as in a gg. we care about our sisters here this is not easy for us. but this is a part of us it won't go away when one of us hurts we all feel for that person because we have been there ourselves. the world may find the whole thing disgusting. but in the end all we have is each-other and if you stay around you will see that we are not disgusting but loving caring sensitive human beings who care.
i don't know what happened with your father and how family dealt with it but we are not as my ex says sick twisted disgusting. people .

please try to work it out. if you can't then don't put your husband down or use his cross dressing against him he loved you enough to tell you his inner most sacred of secrets.

[jamie55]

Dear Unhappy: I have been watching this for 2 days now and have held up on responding because I am probably the last one to give advice. I have seen a lot of good advice given by others but you seem reluctant to even consider what's been said. Now I'm happy I didn't respond sooner since the info given by you has drastically changed. I've been married for 33 years to the mother of my children and she doesn't like the cd side of me and let's me know in uncertain terms about her disapproval. The stubborn sob that I am still continues to press forward and guess what? We are still together, we sleep in the same bed, and occasionally do the nasty together. My point is this we take our wedding vows very seriously, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse or whatever the heck they are; hey I'm an old guy and I forget things easily.
The best advice I can give you is to take your time, go stay with your friend for awhile let your so figure this out. I'm sure that after a cooling off time you can get your heads together and come up with something. For the sake of your baby girl you surely need to try.

[PortiaHoney]

You are bi, he is bi. He wants to be the woman in the relationship and so do you. From what you have said, he wants you to be the man?????????????? You have changed the rules of the game as we see it by that last bit of info. (a lot of us fantasize about being in a lesbian relationship, a few make it come true)

Do either of you want this relationship to be exclusive of other people? If so, who is doing what?

I'm not religious or anything like that, but three in a bed (figuratively or otherwise) causes jealousy on some level or all levels. Neither of you can be "Bi" any other way. Some people see the "split" (m/f) part of their partner as the third person!!!!

It's a shame that you have got to this point and now you are parents. It would have been a little more convenient if you could both have been more honest sooner. Staying together for the sake of a child - an unhappy marriage makes for an unhappy child. Divorced parents/split homes don't seem to fair much better. Unless you can split amicably............ and always agree on how to raise your child.

You a bad person - no. A little naive maybe, the warning signs must have been there. Is he a bad person - no. Really bad judgement (or discovery) timing - definately.

From what you have said on your feelings and his requests, IMHO I don't see that either of you can go on in that relationship without one of you making some really huge change in ideals or desires. I got divorced for a lot less.

So, who exactly did you fall in love with in the first place? On that point, who did he fall in love with? How do you both end up a universe away from where you started? Is it a case of pushing the boundaries, or smashing them? How do you end up at this point and it's comes as such a surprise?

No need to tell us the answers. These are questions we have all asked ourselves at some point.

Good luck with whatever the outcome. My thoughts are with you.

:hugs:Portia.
:love:

[Sammy777]

Hello
I will try & make this short & sweet [or at least somewhat]

The bombshell you dropped in your 5th post was information that would have been useful a few days ago.

Seems like you can add "non confrontational" to the list of the personal issues you need to deal with.

Even if this part of him never came up it is clear you really need to seek out help.
There seems to be a lot of excess baggage rolling around in your head you need to deal with that has nothing to do with the current events going on.
These recent events have just brought them to the surface.

Don't feel bad, Therapy is the new aspirin.

You mentioned he is going overseas & you planned on staying here.
Was that the original plan before all this?

My suggestion, put off the divorce for now.
Stay married, for the sake/name of it for now.
Let him go to his overseas post.
You stay here & work out your personal demons.
At the same time it gives him time to get his head straight over there.
Once he returns if things are still bad or worse, then go your separate ways.

As for you, Concentrate on your kid & seeking some help while he is away. Use that time wisely.

I would also say don't do what he has already done, meaning don't go all desperate housewifes. The last thing you need is to add another log to the fire.

You adding someone in your life [being a guy or girl], for whatever reasons, is not something you need or want to do right now.
Don't think well he did it so now I can to.

1) stay together [for now]
2) let him go away overseas
3) take care of your kid
4) work out your personal problems
5) both of your outlooks could be very different when he returns
6) if you can work something out then, great for both of you
7) if you can't, then get divorced and move on

[MichelleOBrien]

Wow. Okay, here's half the problem. You are both so worried about making a sacrifice for the other person's happiness that you're not listening or compromising. He's already said that he wouldn't do it. According to what you're telling us, he hasn't done it so far in the marriage. He's been a complete person up to now, so what's to stop him from being a complete person without changing who he already is?

Another thing, relationships aren't all about sex. There's got to be a companionship there as well that stretches so far beyond sex... I can't even describe it. The love of my life knows about my crossdressing, and has no problems with it provided I don't let it include her. She also can't deal with it, but is not willing to give me up either. So we've made a compromise.

If you both love each other, then my advice would be to talk, and LISTEN. If you still can't come up with a solution, perhaps it would be wise to involve a professional (and I don't mean a divorce lawyer).

I don't think you're a horrible wife, in fact I think the opposite. I think you are insanely in love with your husband, otherwise you wouldn't have come to a group of crossdressers for advice on how to deal with this, which had to wear on your fears of crossdressers. Just remember, we may be somewhat like your husband, but we're a lot like you too in the end.

We all want to be loved and to be happy. All the rest is just details.

[PamelaTX]

It's pretty clear from your posts that you have some significant problems. You've been given some pretty good advice, and you should consider it very carefully before proceeding with anything. You don't have to take any of the advice you've been given, but think about it for awhile before deciding whether it's good or bad advice. Don't try to react to it right away.

To repeat something that a couple of the GG's have said, right after having a baby is the absolute worst time to be making permanent decisions about things. (I'm male, but I'm also the father of four and have observed the way my wife felt after going through childbirth.) The way you think and feel about things right now is not how you will think and feel about things in a few months. (You may not believe this, but I can swear to you, it's true.) Focus on your baby and put the rest on hold until you're more-or-less back to normal. Counseling is probably a good idea.

Your husband says he can ignore the whole thing, and to a certain degree, he's right. I made a similar decision in my early teens, and stuck to it for many years. Although I would probably have been happier if I hadn't done this, it's not impossible. Since he's offered, it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to put the whole thing on hold, at least until you can sort things out. You just had his baby, for crying out loud! That deserves some consideration.

I think that you're in a very tough situation, and I don't envy you at all. But when you discuss things with your husband, don't start with the word "divorce." That's not a solution to anything. It may be the only answer, but it should be the absolute last resort. Don't even bring up the idea until everything else is exhausted. And I mean everything.

You're in my prayers. I wish you and your husband all the best.

[MichelleOBrien]

Wait... Let me get this straight...

You come here asking for help and advice, and then dismiss it simply because of your own prejudices? Why did you even come here for advice in the first place? It's obvious that you had your mind made up before we were ever involved.

Newsflash sweetie? it's obvious you don't love him as much as you thought you did, because love knows no bounds. PERIOD. Also, I am under the belief that you are simply crying out for attention. "never be with anyone else"? Please. You're too young. Also, you've contradicted yourself several times.

For instance, you said you're both bi. Would you stop him from having a fling with a guy? would he stop you from having a fling with a girl? If the answer to BOTH questions is no, then he wouldn't be asking the sexual favors he is. if the answer to both question is yes, it could be that he's trying to spice up your life in the bedroom.

But I have the gut feeling (and I'm not often wrong) that he would allow you to fulfill your sexual desires with another woman, but you would not reciprocate. In fact, it could be why he's taken such drastic measures as to ask you to do these things.

I realize I'm on a rant, but there's really only two options here to fix YOUR side of the problem. 1) stop being so closed minded and maybe open up to the possibility of a compromise or 2)leave him and destroy your happiness, his happiness and your baby's happiness.

You guys must not have been married long for this kind of drama...

[unhappywife]

ok some of you got mad because of the way i presented the information I just gave it to you as I got it. But i did take every ones advice and went to marriage counseling and guess what most of you said this just might be a whim and you were right. the therapist pointed out to my husband that he has an issues dealing with big events...mostly due to how he grew up. He admits the idea appealed to him but that he didnt really want it. and oddly enough this was all brought on by the birth of my daughter.

[leslie ann]

this post really wore me out i wish the best for both of you, but it sounds like alot of double standards going on, same sex sex is ok? but wearn panties is not????????:eek::drink::eek: clothing is clothing not a big deal! im not going to touch the rest of it other than to suggest a chill pill (maybe a few)and some time :drink:good luck

[Raquel June]

If people are mad it's because you're in complete denial. You refuse to address most of what people have said to you in this thread. Likewise, I'm sure you've refused to address the real issues in your life with your counselor.

Did you tell your counselor that your husband cheated on you with a man, or that you're bisexual and your father molested you?

Your counselor is grasping at straws because you're hiding things.

[Sarah Martin]

Unhappywife,

It's good that you are still talking and that you are getting counselling. It is still only a short period since the birth of your daughter and I suspect both of you have had some pressure put on your relationship because of this.

With your recent conversations with your partner, I think we'd all agree that the equilibrium between you has been disturbed and, hopefully, your counseller will be able to help both of you regain your emotional balance - from which you can both make informed and sensible decisions about your situation and the future.

I can't offer any sensible advice without knowing you more closely. Maybe you will divorce. Maybe you will find another set of agreed behaviour rules (maybe an open relationship?) that means you stay together & your daughter will have both parents around as she grows up. Perhaps you will regain the love you had a while back and reconcile your different views on life and your wishes for the future, and things will go back to the way they were. Maybe he is just having a 'pink fog brainstorm' or a mid-life crisis and will return to his 'old self' soon. Who knows?

Whatever happens can I please ask BOTH of you not to take any irreversible steps at this point. Maybe you should agree to give yourselves a few months to see where things go and time to work through your current issues?

You have a lot of sympathy from people here in the forum (as does your partner). We really do want to help! Please keep writing and let us all know how things go.

All the best to both of you.
Sarah

[AmandaM]

ok some of you got mad because of the way i presented the information I just gave it to you as I got it. But i did take every ones advice and went to marriage counseling and guess what most of you said this just might be a whim and you were right. the therapist pointed out to my husband that he has an issues dealing with big events...mostly due to how he grew up. He admits the idea appealed to him but that he didnt really want it. and oddly enough this was all brought on by the birth of my daughter.

Well, he doesn't really want it. Ok, that's a start. But, does he want to crossdress on occasion, etc.?