wife knows but does not accept

[jamiepabicd]

hi ladies,
i told my wife about my desires to crossdress. i explained that i wear panties under my clothes to work and more when home alone. i told her that i would like to not hide this any longer and atleast be open and honest about it.

she does not accept it at all. she has branded me a pervert. when she demanded i stop whether she is present or not (stressing not) i told her to sleep on it and try to understand. i could give this up again as i've done so many times but eventually the urges would come back and there i'd be, doing it again and hiding it.

i basically explained that i will continue to do this when alone and in private.
no response. now that i've fessed up i can't hide it from her, just do it when she's not around. she isn't raving mad but not very happy either.
atleat i'm open to her about it but it doesn't make it any easier.

is there anything i can do to try to persuade her way of thinking over to my fem side?
ladies please let me know. any advice is appreciated.

hugs and kisses
jamie

[Gemma]

Hi Jamie, don't know if this will help, but if your SO is like most woman and brings up the gay issue or "do you want to be a woman", if you convince her you don't have either of these issues it may help, my lady is totally expecting of my cding and looks upon it as a hobby of mine, I shave all over, have been out and I have no secrets from her and we have never had an argument and she likes the fact she can talk to me about anything and she can go shopping with me and I am not going to complain, as I usally get a little something for myself even if it's only a new pair of tights, hope this has helped, tc x x

[Wendy me]

it's not easy if she is close minded just keep plugging ....my wife knows but dosen't want to know.........

[mand]

Jamie, I'm not really very good at giving advice because I usually get it totally wrong, but I think that time is what she needs to come to terms with you're crossdressing. Don't try to rush her, let her come to understand it in her own time.

I told my wife I was TG about 6 years ago and things have moved on since then, now she is fully aware that I will not even dress in mens clothes anymore and she also understands that my eventual ambition is to achieve full transition.
Even so we had a little arguement last week and the first thing she did was to attack me for being TG, so I'm really not the best person to give advice.

If you have no intrest in taking you're crossdressing any futher Jamie, just give her the time, don't rush things, and let her see that what you do is no threat to her, and that you are still the same person for her.


love mand xxx

[KarenXDR]

...which is the reason it's not a problem in the second. Which, of course, doesn't help you.

Gemma is right about addressing the "gay" issue and "hobby" notion - though I'm not sure "hobby" is 100% appropo.

The REAL test is how she now reacts in bed. If you have turned her off I STRONGLY suggest counseling (which provides third party assurances for her) ASAP.

Good luck...

Lipstick kisses

Karen

[Fallen Angel]

why not get her involved with the forum they have a section just for ggs. they are a chat room for woman to help understand us xxooxx

[Stephenie]

Well I have no advise since I'm in the same boat you are. If anything works please post since so many of us would love to know. My plan for now is to try and show her that I'm still the guy she married and that she doesn't have to worry about the Gay issue or that I will want to be a girl full time. If we make it through this we be better for it.

Remember, what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.

[JoannaDees]

why not get her involved with the forum they have a section just for ggs. they are a chat room for woman to help understand us xxooxx

I wouldn't suggest that just yet. There are sections here that would just reinforce her pervert comment. I have no other advice for your situation, just part of the cheering section.

Joanna

[arula]

Hi love, You can try and wait for her to change, but don't forget, I think most women like their man to be masculine. If she asks you again if you have stopped, you should say yes and never mention it again. If you value the relationship then it would have to be in secret the rest of your life, unless your situation changes. I speak from my experience. The CD's who have understanding spouses are the very fortunate few. Seriously look at your priorities and make your decisions. We all will be thinking of you, because we are a sisterhood, way above an average persons frame of thought. All the best. XOX Arula

[Kimberly]

If she asks you again if you have stopped, you should say yes and never mention it again. If you value the relationship then it would have to be in secret the rest of your life
This isn't a flame, I promise! :Pray:

but.... NO NO NO NO NO!!! Dishonesty is absolutely NOT the best policy; it's the worst!

Do what most have said on this thread and tell her your situation... that you're not gay and you don't want to transition (if you don't.) She just needs assurance now. Tell her you love her for who she is, and not what you want her to be. Also try to describe how it feels to be a CD... why you think you do it etc. When I came out to my SO (now ex), I really did COME OUT! :p I told her everything. How it started, when, ...why.

Just be open, honest, and let her know you're not changing - you're just opening yourself up to her. :thumbsup:

[Ariel]

I can't really help you with your problem. My wife knows, and has seen me dressed in the past, but since I told her that I do enjoy doing it (yes, all the issues came up: the "gay" issue, "do u wanna change", and more came up when I told her). She hasn't seen me dressed since I told her, but she does know about my clothes. I'm not sure what "being supportive" means, but she hasn't said that she is leaving, either (she did say that going out would be a problem, though). I have sent her links to places on the web that I thought would help her to "understand", though I don't know that she has visited any. There isn't "one way" to handle your sutuation, because all are different and individual. No one knows the situation the two of you are in, and therefore, can only give advice. It is up to you to either take or ignore the advice, but you must base it on you and your SO relationship, and what you think will work for you.

Hope everything works out for you,
Hugs,
Ariel

[DonnaT]

Jamie, it may depend on what she dislikes about it. You'll need to find out why she thinks it is perverted, and then approach it from there.

If she just won't discuss it, then there isn't much you can do by yourself, and a good marriage counselor that is familier with the issues of CDing and transgenderism may be needed.

[Marla GG]

Hi Jamie,

I am sorry to hear of the frustration you are experiencing. Your wife's reaction of total non-acceptance doesn't leave you with many options for negotiating and moving forward together.

I'm guessing that at the moment she thinks she can make your crossdressing go away by refusing to tolerate it. She probably does not understand that your femme self has been a part of you for a very long time, was a part of you when you married her, and will be a part of you until you die. Denial is a powerful barrier to acceptance, and it sounds like that's the place she's in right now. There may not be much progress until she comes to terms with the fact that your desire to dress is not something you can change.

So where do you go from here? It doesn't sound as if there has been much communication between you on the subject of your crossdressing. You have stated your desire, she has made a demand that you stop, and you will remain at an impasse unless you can figure out how to get the two of you talking more. Now, I don't know you, and I don't know your wife, but is there any chance you can get her to tell you more about how she feels regarding your dressing? Can you be patient and nonargumentative while she tells you exactly what is bothering her? If you can find out what her specific beliefs, emotions, and fears are, then you will have a much better chance of being able to help her to get past those.

The next time the subject comes up, don't focus on trying to persuade her of anything. That can come later. For now, try to show her that you genuinely want to know what her concerns are and that you care about her feelings. Encourage her to open up by letting her speak without interruptions from you. When she makes a statement, even one that may hurt you or that you know to be incorrect, respond by asking her to tell you more about that. Validate her feelings by saying "Let me see if I understand...." and summarizing or paraphrasing her statements as you heard them. DO NOT do this with the intention of "shooting down" her arguments and "correcting" her wrong ideas. As I said, that can come later. Just let her talk, listen to her, and show her that you've understood. Then you can take what you've learned and start thinking about how you can help her see things differently. Just knowing that you are listening may help to reduce her anxiety, which in turn may put her in a more receptive frame of mind.

Best wishes to you both,
Marla
XXXOOO

[Di]

NO NO NO NO NO!!! Dishonesty is absolutely NOT the best policy; it's the worst!
Thanks Kimberly...I agree

And Marlas post was fantastic
Reassure her....remind her you are still the same person she,s loved all these yrs nothing has changed...
Best Wishes

[Dana]

Thanks SO much to all the GG posts! They're priceless!

For all my life, I've wresteled with the guilt! The shame! Done all I could do to kill and purge the feminine part of me from my being!

Its part of me and its a part of me, its who I am! I understand that now!

Its not going away! Although I'm single, I've made my mind up,(OK! Still working on that ~ kind of scary!) that I'm going to be honest and open about who and what I am and what I need for me, in my life and for my own sanity!

I've tried to live the role of the super macho, super masculine male! Doesn't work for me! Because its not me!

[norbie]

Yes Marla is defently right. Its like the most important part in any councelling: listen. I am still working on it, I think it takes time and patience.
Norbie

[mariej]

Hi Jamie .
I don't know if this will work for you as your wife does seem really anti but the way my wife has come to terms with my dressing is to regard Marie as a totally separate personality from her husband.She has realised that whatever it is that compels me to dress is not going to be "cured" and she loves me for what I am. "For better or worse" etc etc. This may sound rather harsh but if your wife really does love you then eventually she will find it in her heart to accept you for what you are not what she wants you to be.The alternative is obvious but I would prefer not to expound on that!
I'm not going to pretend that it will be easy to bring her round to this way of thinking but it may be worth a try.
Good luck.
L&P
Mariej
xx

[Alie]

Insecurity raises it's ugly head at times like this.

Let go of your own feelings, think of how she feels.

Let her talk, even it is hard to take.

Really listen to her.

Try to persuade the her with logic and reasoning,

then cover her with affection and love.

Remember, women feel.

[Sharon]

Jamie,
I don't have anything different to add, but I simply suggest you try to get a conversation going with your wife. Let her speak, if she's willing, and just sit back and listen until she has told you her feelings. Don't interrupt, unless she asks you to, and don't get overly defensive.
When she has told you what her fears or preconceptions are, then start to calmly explain why she hasn't anything to be overly concerned with.
If she still reacts so negatively, then it may be best to let the subject die again, only to be revived at a later date.
Meanwhile, no matter what, continue showing her that you are still the same person you were the day before you told her.

Good luck! :) :hugs:

[mand]

Jamie, it's me again to be honest I wouldn't take to much notice of what I said earlier. I mean who am I to talk I don't have a marriage in the traditional sense any more, as I always say Jane an I live more of a sisterly exsistence together and yes I do know that she does resent how things have turned out.

So who am I to try to give advice on relationships, read through the posts Jamie and do what you think is best.

Good luck..............love mand xxx

[melissacd]

I am going through the same thing and this community has taught me:

- be true to who you are, if you don't it will eat you up inside and make you very unhappy

- seek to understand and then to be understood

- be patient and compassionate, find your moments and opportunities, don't rush her

- be willing to accept that it may not work out, it may not be something she can ever accept, that it may be the end of your relationship, that is the risk that you take when you lay your heart and soul are on the table

- if she cannot accept it with all the love, openess, honesty and patience that you can offer then perhaps it is better to move on, it will be difficult to have a deep, open, rich and meaningful relationship if you have to hide away something that is so much a part who you are

Hugs
Melissa

[Holly]

Jamie,

You've received some wonderful advice here. I hope that you filter through it and put in place what you believe will work best in your situation. There are a couple of absolute truths that you really need to abide by:

Lying and/or deciet will NEVER help a situation. It's out in the open now with your wife. There's no use in trying to hide it. You know in your heart that dressing will always be a part of your life. Don't make promises that you know you will not be able to keep... to her OR yourself.
Real and honest COMMUNICATION is the key to ANY relationship. Try and look at this as an opportunity for you to develope another feminine skill... listening. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, fears, and future.
Don't expect it to happen overnight... it's not likely. Take baby steps! Give her room. Give her time. Don't interupt as she talks. Don't tell her that her feelings are wrong. They are HER feelings. Then, using the information you get from her, you will be able to respond. Be prepared with information and if she is receptive, give it to her. Assure not only with words but with your actions as well, that you are still the same person she fell in love with. The fact of the matter is that Jamie has been a part of BOTH of your lives from the beginning of your relationship. If you can get her to understand that, you will have made a great advance in restoring your relationship. At some point, you may be able to pursuade her that the Jamie part of you is actually a benefit to her. Not only does she have a husband who is her protector and provider, but is also sensitive to her emotional needs in ways few men can relate to.

My heart and my prayers are with you and your wife, Jamie. Please do let us know how things are going. Both of you will find caring and compassion here. And remember... baby steps!

[vernna]

Hi, I was pretty leary about telling my wife about my Cding. Especially since we had only been marrie about a year. At the time I was mid 50 and really loved getting dessed even though I don't go out in public. Anyway my wife really got turned on by the idea and she helped me shop. I guess it might depend onhow you approach the situation. Vernna

[eileen1969]

I think of your situation and I too have gone through this as well! Shannon has aleady declared that I am a faggot and regrets that she bared children with me. Pretty harsh and sad! I think of her as one wounded and hurting girl that does not know how to love. I learned quickley that one cannot and will never be able to control ones thoughts, perceptions or opinions! And that comes with a whole lot more! I let her go and not there's much too miss about her! Always keep this mind!~ do not waste your time on false expectations about your partner nor people! and that you cannot control thier thinking, emotions or attitudes! much less change them in how they feel about you!
This is your life not thiers! follow your heart! For myself....I was persecuted, judged and then further more comdemned by others! and ya know what? my female side is so much stronger than I! here I am and she came to me! much love and hope for you! Your in my prayers Love Ron/Eileenxoxox ;)

[donna anne]

told my wife over christmas last year. she was pretty freaked out. went back and forth with how she felt for a while. it was rough for a couple of months
despite what seamed like initial acceptance. she now leaves with the kids and
tells me when she'll be back, even calls before she comes home just to make sure im cleaned up. she's no where near seeing me dressed but realizes that this is a part of me that's been around since i was 8 and its not going away. take
youre time and go slow, its a real shock to some women.

[Lois82]

Hi Jamie,

Well, I am in the same boat :( and hate it. My wife has known for some time and just recently identified she knew about my panty fetish. What she didn't know is that I love dressing fully and being Lois :) . So I climb back into my closet and slip into my panties and bra when I can :D . Hang in there maybe she will come around and good luck hon.

Hugs and Kisses,

Lois

[crispy]

mine knows but doesn't want to know.

when she's grumpy she'll pull me and all my possession apart in a hunt for the unspeakable.

when she's cool she'll give me space and just make the odd sarcastic comment.

she doesn't (yet) want to break up what we do have, which after 29 years is more about security and parenting than an ongoing love affair. it'll never change.

[jessbcuzz]

If people weren't so narrow minded, it would make life so much easier. My ex knew the I liked to CD, and it was one of the first things I told her when we got together. She wasn't happy about it, and like most, she didn't want to know about it. She also stated that she never wanted to see it. In a way, I understood with her family being devote catholics, but it was seemed like she only cared about the other things about me. Which, to me, if you truly care for someone, you accept the good with the bad, not pick and choose. What I hated the most was that if she need something like bobby pins, perfume, finger nail polish remover, being a CD was all of a sudden conveinent for her. But she could not ever ask nicely with out some sort of sarcasm. Usually it was I know that you have blah blah blah, so can I use or borrow it. Then I would have to wait until her and her daughter left so that I could get whatever she needed. After we split up, I often wonder why is it that people will over look others problems and "accept" people that have been in prisions, commited rape, are children and women abusers, and such, but all we do is express the women inside of us. People! Oh, the reason me and my ex split after 5 years is that I got tired of us renting an apartment and I bought a brand new trailer. Well, her mom and dad instantly called her trailer trash, so she choose to listen to her parents and leave. I wonder what they would have said if they new that I was a CD? :rolleyes: