Secret revealed

[BlUeDrAgOn]

I finally found the courage to reveal this secret to my wife.

I didn't find the guts to tell her directly, so I put together some info I took from the net, that I thought would be a very accurate picture of who (or what) I am.

Anyway, at first, she was pretty much in shock. She didn't know what to say, how to react, what to think of me. She told me that to her it was almost like I told her that I had an affair. She felt betrayed, deceived (these were her words). She made me promise that I wouldn't crossdress at all.

There was a time she even mentioned divorce as an option. Then, a few days later, things started to settle down, but the subject was kind of taboo. From time to time, I tried to bring it up, but she simply didn't want to talk about it.

Then, I started feeling more and more depressed, thinking that I needed to do this pretty badly and she ddn't let me do it. I tried to convince her that it didn't make me a freak, a diseased person or a half-man. I just needed to explore my feminine side to feel a more complete man.

At last, she told me that, if I wanted to crossdress, at least that I would not let her have even the lightest idea that I was doing it, ´cause she wouldn't tolerate it. I think it's still a very limiting situation for me, but at least she is showing the will to make things work for both of us.

Oh, I revealed this secret to her a month ago, so I guess it's still very fresh. I'm still hoping that some day she will allow me to crossdress more freely, at least when I'm indoors ;)

[Sandra]

I would imagine that with her saying she felt betrayed, deceived that this is the real problem not the actual cding.

Give her time a month is not long at all and from experience it can take years.

[mklinden2010]

Well, good for you for getting started with communicating...

If you look at my other posts, you'll see several that touch on "telling," "following up," and, "maintaining."

It has been helpful to me at times, to backtrack a bit and, say:

"OK, that was clumsy of me. But, I just wasn't sure where to start. Anyway, I have been thinking about (this or that) and you know me better than anybody. Does that sound like me?"

That's owning up that you're no genius, that you need some help just thinking things through, and, you really do value their point of view. Think, "The customer (your wife) is always right."

For some reason, in just getting started at being out, a lot of us seem to have a lot of shame admitting that we like something that is difficult to share. Like someone gave us magic cookies that only taste good to us. We have a bite and go, "Waa-hoo!" Other people have a bite and go, "So?"

Point is, people are different and we have to own up to what we like and admit that what we like may not be for everyone. It's tough to know this about ourselves and to separate ourselves from the safety of the herd - scary, in fact. But, we know we have to say something to our SOs... Down deep, we're good people.

So, good luck with explaining yourself and working something out. It's gonna have to be done one way or another.

Here's a tip...

There have been days (now long ago), when nothing else has been going on, that I've taken back some ground by doing some project, or, picking up the kids on time without being told, and, with no doubt I'd done an excellent job, said:

"Hey, not bad for a guy who'll wear a dress..."

Nobody argues with quality.

Be a better person, work on a better relationship, have fewer problems...

[Di]

I would imagine that with her saying she felt betrayed, deceived that this is the real problem not the actual cding.

Give her time a month is not long at all and from experience it can take years.

I totally agree with Sandra and esp since she feels betrayed and deceived do not make promises you cannot keep and I would talk to her about that saying it is a part of you and if you can maybe work out times where you have to yourself and she doesn't have to be involved.

[LisaElizabeth]

Sometmes....years is an understatement!!! I told my wife before we maried 32 years ago!!! Lisa has only been going out for the past 6 years!!! My wife has been out with me a few times and has had fun!
It is no longer a taboo topic. What changed? Not sure! I know as I have aged, the 'compulsion' part of dressing has diminished, maybe because it is less of an intrusion now, she doesn't see it as being so bad. Maybe her attitude is changing along with societies? I don't know for certain, I just know she helps with outfits, wig styling and makeup now, where she only 'Tolerated' my dressing 7 years ago.
So-o-o-o be patient!! Keep things 'low key' and let her come to grips with your revelation at her own speed. Eventually the REAL reason for her being upset will come out and YOU will have to be a very good listener!!
Huggs,
Lisa ELizabeth

[BlUeDrAgOn]

First of all, thank you all so very much for your words :)

I forgot to mention the reason why I felt the need to tell my wife in the first place. I felt that if I kept doing it in secret it was really more of a treason than if I told her that I am the way I am. If she found any clothes that I could buy for myself hidden in some drawer or at the bottom of a closet it would, in my opinion, be a more complicated matter to deal with.

I started my letter telling her that this was the biggest love proof that I ever gave anyone in my entire life.

Make no mistake: she did admit that this was a very courageous step from my part. But she just couldn't understand why a man has the need to dress and behave as a woman. I gave her the picture of the Yin without the Yang, but I know I'll have a long road ahead of me. But then again, we only need to take the first step to start walking, right? ;)

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I told my wife after 18 years and she also felt betrayed and deceived. She is as OK with it now 5 years later as I could hope for. We go out from time to time as girlfriends and I dress at home an awful lot now that the kids are on their own.

[docrobbysherry]

Been married and divorced. Which had nothing to do with my CDing.

But, EVERYTHING to do with me not standing up for myself early in our marriage! I held in my feelings, and took crap from her until it was eating me up inside. Our therapist recommended that I tell her when she was going to far, and leave the conversation, (or the house), if necessary. The alternative would be to, remain and have it out with her!:Angry3:

I started standing up to her too late in our marriage. SHE couldn't handle it by then! So, divorce!:sad:

Think about that when u r accomodating your SO! U must BOTH be allowed to be, and show, who u really r in your relationship. That is, if u want it to last!
I wish u all the best!:thumbsup:

[trisha59]

But she just couldn't understand why a man has the need to dress and behave as a woman.

I think that, just as it was for us before we found this forum, she feels that you are the only one wanting to do this. And if you are the only one doing this she feels that at the very least its weird. I don't know if you can get her to look at this site but if you could it would go a long way in her understanding of "our hobby". I do agree with you that if you had not told her and she did find something it would be a bigger problem. That is the reason I brought it up with my wife. Better for her to know that they are my panties instead of what she would think otherwise.

[Vicki65]

Well done!

Secrets are never a good thing as they ALWAYS come out eventually. I'm sure when she gets over the shock she'll appreciate your honesty.

[Joanne f]

I would imagine that with her saying she felt betrayed, deceived that this is the real problem not the actual cding.

Give her time a month is not long at all and from experience it can take years.

I would agree with that also , just give her time now .



joanne

[Alice B]

I used a similar route to open discussion with my wife. She had already sensed that I was dressing, but the material was a great help and assured her that I was not gay and did not want to become a woman. These were her major concerns. We held discussions, which were not easy, but necessary and arrived at an understanding. I could dress when she was not home. As time went by (a couple of years) she became a little more at easy with it and I can now (on occasion) dress at home when she is there. She will usually stay upstairs, but sometimes come down to my man cave to work there. She is used to my wearing panties and nighties to bed and tolerates my sometimes having my toe nails painted, although she is not thrilled about it. Acceptance wains good and bad from time to time, but the acceptance is there. The really important part was having open discussion, even if it had to be forced to get feeling out in the open. Keep the communication open so things do not fester and fears grow out of hand.