Fell down from cloud #9...

[melimelo]

After a couple of months of making good progress (electrolysis, first trip to a store "dressed", good discussions with my wife) and feeling like transition was just a matter of time and preparation, I suddenly feel... tired and afraid.

I look in the mirror and I see something weird: not a very convincing man (shaved torso, arms and legs, puffy skin due to the last electrolysis, hair too long to behave and too short to do much with it) and definitely not yet a woman. And I'm sure I haven't seen the worst of it! :sigh:

It might be the big strides I made recently have brought me to a unfamiliar place and I need some time to cool down and assess what I've learned and where I should go next. I still don't like being a guy, but at this exact moment, it feels less troublesome than working toward transition...

My therapist told me just this week that the transition is not a linear process, that it's OK to take a break or even to forget about it for a while. I guess I hit that part sooner than I expected...

Take care, all of you!

[Sharon]

Your therapist is absolutely right. Life for anyone is full of ups and downs, particularly when you get into emotions. The struggle is intensified for us in that we not only need to convince the world of our validity, but, most particularly, of ourselves as well.

Is it really easier being a male? Perhaps it is on a purely external appearance manner of speaking, but if you are truly TS, then you know that there is no "man" there. It's your heart and brain that makes you what you are.

Each thing you mention is oh-so-easy to take care of. Puffy face from electrolysis? It's gone in a day or two, and will disappear completely once you have completed the treatments, Bad hair? Style it for goodness sake!

But it isn't these superfluous things that is really bothering you, is it? It is your confidence and the feeling that the transitioning curve is too great to deal with at times. Try to keep in mind why you are doing this. And then try to think of how you will feel when you achieve your goals or, at least, make more headway. Without these ebbs and flows, you could take it for granted and not appreciate the struggle and strength it took to achieve them.

:hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

ditto

last week a male friend of mine said "well if you are trying to look like a woman you are doing a shitty job"....now before you kill him...that's the way we talked to each other for 20 years!!! back and forth teasing...

2 points...i laughed...and was devastated..i am still thinking about that comment...so to commiserate with Melanie I think there is going to be a long period of awkwardness....plus its slowly becoming clearer to me what this internal change is all about

today i picked up a tg friend at a medical center after a procedure...i just did 3 hrs of electrolysis over 3 days so i have a 6 day growth of beard...long messy hair (hey at least i have hair~~:heehee:)

anyway..the nurse came out in front of 20-30 folks and asked if michele was here to pick up "David".......i just laughed and smiled at everybody and got up and took David home...6 months ago i would have been embarrased, but instead i felt a strange pride...here i am!!! i'm michele!!! is how i felt even though on the outside i look like a bum!!!....

on last point, i'm in some group therapy with a bunch of tg women and about 1/2 of them "untransitioned" for various reasons, ALL of them "re" transitioned...

take care
michele

[melimelo]

Thanks Sharon and Michele!

I have to agree it's not just the superficial details like puffy face and bad hair that are dragging down. There is still a part of me that wants to go on. However, as much as I identify myself as transgendered, presenting as a man is something I became used to. I see that there is a delicate balance to maintain between the dysphoria caused by a known but mismatched gender, and the fear/awkwardness of the unknown.

Part of the transition work is a personality cleanup: what do I keep and what do I throw away? What really makes me the person I am and what is merely society programming me to behave like a good male?

[Valerie]

...to you, for daring not only to start in the transition road but also to listen to your own hesitation with such an open mind and heart. Keep us posted. We are cheering you along!

:hugs::hugs:

Valerie

[gillian1968]

Part of the transition work is a personality cleanup: what do I keep and what do I throw away? What really makes me the person I am and what is merely society programming me to behave like a good male?


I think I know what you mean here, melimelo, I feel a lot like this.

I believe I identify as Transgender rather than as Transexual, if you believe that Transgender is someone who feels aspects of both sexes and Transexual is more like you're trapped in the wrong kind of body.

I've been taking notice of situations where I feel like a woman, feel like a man. I wonder sometimes if I feel like a man just because that's been the socially acceptable thing given my natural gender and it's what I've been "programmed" for.

If (pretend) it were a linear scale from "aligned" through transgender through transexual, I feel a bit like my needle does a lot of swaying back and forth around the half-way point of that scale. It's a bit confusing to make sense of, and sometimes I wonder if I would be able to make better sense of it if I sought out some professional help, which I will probably do in the new year.

I hope you feel better, just pick yourself up and get right back on that cloud! :)

-Gillian