Told my wife...

[janet73]

Well, after feeling better about the other me after joining this group, I decided it was time I shared my secret with my wife. I read lots of threads about how this revelation had gone with others, and I recoginized the pitfalls and landmines that were sure to be exposed.

I made the decision to tell her on a Sunday morning, to allow for what I was sure would be a long and painful day. Even though we have known each other for close to 35 years, I was confident that she had no suspicions in this area, and that what I was going to share with her would be a shock.

Boy, was I right... I could not have predicted the degree of emotions that she displayed. Hurt and fear were right at the top of the list. Despite my protestations that I was still the same person she had always known, she is not sure anymore. I explained that I am not interested in transitioning, nor do I have any desires to go out in public enfemme....rather, I enjoy an inner peace when dressed, and it is not something that I experience any other way.

Lots of tears and questions. We walked on eggshells all that day, and she did not sleep well that night (though I did, as having revealed a long-held secret lifted quite a weight off my shoulders).

We didn't talk about it for two days, and I gave her as much space as she needed. When we went to bed on Tuesday, she told me that she had spent a fair amount of her work time doing Internet research, and she asked a bunch more (but now intelligent) questions. I answered everything honestly, telling her as sincerely as I could that I would never do anything to embarras her or myself (this is her biggest fear), and that I still love her as much as I always have.

She is worried how others would think of me if anyone else found out. I reassured her that this shouldn't happen, as for me it is an inside-only activity, and not something that I share (or have any desire to share) with anyone else.

At this point, we are at a "don't ask: don't tell" stage. I have purged all my clothes (not a whole lot really), and taking one day at a time.

As I have read elsewhere, there is not a lot of hope for being able to turn off the cd desire, but my need to have her in my life is more important than wearing a skirt.

Time will tell....

J

[KarenS]

My wife and I haven't talked about my desire to wear lingerie very much, at least not in terms of being a cross dresser or transvestite. I don't believe she is thinking at all in those terms. I believe she sees my preferences as a fetish issue (though I believe I have that too). I absolutely love the soft, smooth, and silky feel of satin and the look is an extreme turn on for me. She has seen me numerous times in a bra, panties, and nylons. She got her first glimpse about my interests when she arrived home from work several hours early on a Saturday during our first year of marriage. I was taking a nap in bed wearing a baby doll nightgown and panties of hers. She knows I have a fetish for lingerie and I frequently ask her to put some on. She doesn't often initiate wearing lingerie on her own. I have sometimes thought that might be why I like to wear panties and such, but then again I was wearing them a long time before I met her. She is smaller than I, but is mostly a 1x queen size woman so I am pretty much able to wear much of her lingerie and other clothing.

After being 'caught' napping, I later demonstrated to her my penchant for wearing lingerie by dressing up in some of her undergarments and waiting under the bed covers for her one night. I had placed some lingerie on her vanity for her to wear. I was nervous as hell. After she dressed, she slipped between the sheets and rolled over to cuddle. She immediately noticed that I was also dressed in ladies undergarments. She asked what is this? I told her I thought they felt nice and wanted to try them on. She simply said ok and we continued about our love making. But, to my excitement, her hands were all over me exploring like we had just met.

I have repeated dressing up and climbing between the sheets before she comes to bed on occasion - usually about one to three times a year. She doesn't seem to mind too much but occasionally makes it clear she would prefer none of that stuff - just straight sex tonight. When she doesn't seem to mind, her hands wander, groping me, and feeling me up as if she were a teenage boy, just like the first time.

[Vicky_Scot]

KarenS


I am sure there is a erotic novel waiting to be written.

:heehee:

[Shelly67]

May I be the first to congratulate you on emerging , indeed on coming out to youre wife . It takes an awful lot of guts to do so . Its such a shame that in doing such , that normally the first response is negative . If only our honesty could be recieved with all the good intentions we deliver it with . I mean ,in doing so itself , its showing our loved ones that its a secret meant only to be shared with the most dear person on earth to us with the greatest amount of trust . We really open up . How many men really do that in theyre lifetimes ??
I think if the timing , the relashionship , and the partnership is strong , then as long as gentle communication and even courtship is used , listening as well as talking , then any troubles can be over come . The very best piece of advice I was ever given , is never to go to bed on an argument .
So , like you say , its early days , but you stick at it .
Anything in life thats worth something is worth fighting for .
And remember , we are not alone .
Good luck to you both .
Shelly x

[cindym5_04]

Definitely congrats to you. It's really hard to tell someone that you're either in a relationship with or trying to start one with. I think that I've been fortunate enough that a few of the girls that I've dated have been supportive and wanted me to dress around them when I wanted and to just be myself. Randomly I've had girls who have come on to me and I've told them about the dressing thing trying to turn them off and instead they've ended up wanting me more because it's "different and way cool".

Just take your time with your wife. I hope things work out for the best for you.

[Deborah Jane]

Good for you Janet, i hope you and your wife can work this through together and carry on living your lives as close to how you did before as possible.
It took a lot of guts to be honest and tell her and i hope she appreciates you for that and that your honesty helps your future together :)

[Joanne f]

This is always a difficult decision to make and it has it`s risk`s, the need and want to be open against the possible loss of you wife and family, i hope it all go`s well for you and you wife .




joanne

[Sandra]

Janet,

Give your wife time, all of this is still fresh in her mind and raw. Take it slow with her and go at her pace. Have you thought about suggesting she joins here? She may be like a lot of GGs and think that she is on her own, which she isn't.

[vikki2020]

It might be a bumpy ride for a while, but I hope you both come to a smooth finish.The fact that she is researching the subject has to be helpful to both of you.I think that will ease a lot of her fears.Good luck!

[Sarah...]

...looks like lots of communication at her speed is the order of the day now Janet. Whilst the "burden" has been lifted for you in some respects, she has a new burden now. The understanding will have to flow both ways now, as it seems it is.

I hope it goes well for you.

Sarah...

[jan croft]

If it's taken you 30+ years to have the confidence to tell her it is no wonder that she is taking time to decide how it affects her feelings for you. Good luck

[Jamie001]

I am not really sure why GGs react in this manner since GGs cross-dress very often and no one says a thing about it! On the other hand, I can understand the reason for getting upset because you are not being honest and have been hiding something from them. Other than that, GGs crossdress all of the time and there are even articles in major women's fashion magazines that describe how to incorporate men's fashion into their wardrobes.

:2c: Jamie

[Julie513]

Good luck Janet. I hope you and your wife can work through this time and emerge happy and strong. It sounds like she is wanting to gather more information and is willing to invest the time to have her questions answered. I hope all goes well for you.
Julie

[janet73]

So far, things have pretty much returned to normal....I would even say that the elephant has left the living room!

I know she is hoping that the issue won't resurface, and at this point I am not inclined to bring the topic up again. As it sits, I think I will let her be the one to initiate any future discussions...

[Sarah Martin]

Well done, Janet. We are proud of you for having the courage to 'come out' to your wife.

I hope that things settle now and - with a bit more time for her to accept the idea of crossdressing - you find a compromise that satisfies you both.

I hope things work out for you.

xxx
Sarah

[Jenniferpl]

Good luck. Hope everything works out.

[CharlotteW]

Well done Janet. I must confess I'm not what most would call a crossdresser but I do wear the 'wrong' underwear much of the time, hosiery too. My wife knows all about it and accepts it, even promotes it quite often. Apparently, I'm a much nicer person when I wear the 'wrong' underwear:)

I think you're very brave.

Regards

[tamarav]

Good for you, you have made it to the level that most of us would like to have. The fact that it hasn't become a natural part of her understanding is to be expected, you have had this on your mind for a long time and she is just now aware. give it time to sink in and tha you aren't going to run naked in high heels down the street. (Sorry that visual was a bit too much)

Have fun, let her ask the questions and be very frank with her, she deserves it.

Your sis,

Tami

[JudeGG]

I am not really sure why GGs react in this manner since GGs cross-dress very often and no one says a thing about it! On the other hand, I can understand the reason for getting upset because you are not being honest and have been hiding something from them. Other than that, GGs crossdress all of the time and there are even articles in major women's fashion magazines that describe how to incorporate men's fashion into their wardrobes.

:2c: Jamie

In general women dont crossdress when wearing trousers - we dont put prosthetic genitalia down our trousers when we wear them and paste a false beard on when we go out.
The difference is that when males crossdress - they are emulating women, trying to look and present as one. When women put on trousers, they are not trying to present as a male. There's a world of difference.

That argument is such a weak argument - it has no bearing on crossdressing at all. I do wish CDers would stop using it as justification as to why they can wear womens clothes.

[DanaR]

In general women dont crossdress when wearing trousers - we dont put prosthetic genitalia down our trousers when we wear them and paste a false beard on when we go out.
The difference is that when males crossdress - they are emulating women, trying to look and present as one. When women put on trousers, they are not trying to present as a male. There's a world of difference.

That argument is such a weak argument - it has no bearing on crossdressing at all. I do wish CDers would stop using it as justification as to why they can wear womens clothes.

When women wear men’s clothing, they are usually not trying to look male; they usually look feminine.

I would have to agree that it isn't the same. If it were, it would be a good argument.

[Glenda]

Congratulations for coming out to your spouse. It takes a lot of courage to let others know our deepest secrets. I'm totally confused though. You also mentioned you purged all of your clothes? What did you do? Say that this was something you enjoyed but would never do again? I'm sorry, I really don't understand the purging.

[Satrana]

I answered everything honestly, telling her as sincerely as I could that I would never do anything to embarrass her or myself (this is her biggest fear)
It often is the biggest fear even if it is not volunteered. The taboo status makes it a daunting proposition to support.



The difference is that when males crossdress - they are emulating women, trying to look and present as one.
That argument is such a weak argument - it has no bearing on crossdressing at all.

Except it is you who is using a weak argument since you equate crossdressing only as emulation of women and ignore the bulk of crossdressing that does not involve emulation. Such as Janet who wears lingerie in bed, this is probably the most common type of crossdressing of all alongside underwearing. No need for glue or extra appendages.

You are comparing apples and oranges by selectively zeroing in on just one type of activity to justify female crossdressing being something different. There are many reasons to crossdress, if your reason is different from someone else's than good for you, but you are still crossdressing.

Crossdressing is defined as the wearing of the opposite genders' clothes. Anything beyond that is optional.

[Jess_cd32]

Good luck Janet, as each day passes the shock she experienced will become less and less, just give her time to sort this all out. I can certainly understand why you purged after seeing her reaction.
I'm hoping this will all smooth out and work out for both of you as said above.

[Sheila]

Janet congratulations to both you and your wife, you for the telling and her for researching.

If you give her time and remain the you she has always known then hopefully, fingers crossed she will relax enough to talk with you some more, as Sandra suggest she might be interested in joining this site and eventually the fab forum.

If it would help and both of you are comfortable with it I and many of the GG's would be more than willing to chat with her via email or MSN or Yahoo, just give any of ua a pm if you are interested.

:hugs: to you both

[JudeGG]

It often is the biggest fear even if it is not volunteered. The taboo status makes it a daunting proposition to support.



Except it is you who is using a weak argument since you equate crossdressing only as emulation of women and ignore the bulk of crossdressing that does not involve emulation. Such as Janet who wears lingerie in bed, this is probably the most common type of crossdressing of all alongside underwearing. No need for glue or extra appendages.

You are comparing apples and oranges by selectively zeroing in on just one type of activity to justify female crossdressing being something different. There are many reasons to crossdress, if your reason is different from someone else's than good for you, but you are still crossdressing.

Crossdressing is defined as the wearing of the opposite genders' clothes. Anything beyond that is optional.

I'm not going to hijack this thread Satrana - but it doesnt say that Janet only wears lingerie in bed. She talks about purging her clothes and in another thread on here - she talks about her wearing makeup. Hence - the presenting as a woman.

[janet73]

Wearing lingerie to bed is something that I have never done, and don't see doing.. Not sure where that came from.

I am very masculine in appearance, and have only recently tried makeup (before telling my wife about dressing). Was not impressed with the results, and as I have never had any intention of venturing out, it is not something that is important to me.

As far as purging, as I said at the end of my initial post, the relationship with my wife is of paramount importance to me, so I got rid of all my female clothes, and removed all the pictures I had posted on this site... I have not dressed in over a month, and at this time have no urge or desire to do so. If that changes in the future, so be it, and I will deal with it at the time.

All of us are here with different histories and motivations....I would never expect to understand anyone elses circumstances completely. As each of you have had to do in your past, I need to figure out what works best for me. At this point, I am comfortable with my decisions, and at peace with who I am.