Coming to grips with myself

[DinaMature]

Hey, if you read my note in the intro forum, I gave a little background,

but basically in the last few days, my insight to crossdressing and why I do it, what I am seeking has come so much clearer.

Heretofore, I thought I just had an advanced lingerie fetish. I'd engage in cd, strictly alone in private, randomly, in binges or not at all for months or more. I was in a long marriage and abused a lot of her stuff. I attempted to be carefull with it but she was a size 8, and I'm an 16? 18?

Anyway. My awakening began at work. I'm a journeyman in a skilled trade, one of the top two that will come to your mind. I was on a job and one of the workers at this place was a tg/tv. Dunno her medical status but she lived and presented as female. I worked around Angela for a few days. Not hand in hand but we did interact a bit.

In retrospect, I left with the impression that she was calm and brave.

I cannot recreate all the thoughts that took to me where I am now. I don't want to change my life and become transgendered. I'm cool in my male role but I do better understand just what I've been striving to experience all these years.
I'm 50ish. I put on my first bra when I was 14. I've only just figured it out.

I won't go into my childhood. I read two differant articles on line that postulated how males end up with this drive. My situation, within everyones unique story that fits their parameters, was text book.

I am sure any number of you could relate to what I feel. More calm. More graceful and thoughtful. Actually, despite the social stigma, wwaaay more confident. Stronger, faster, smarter?

I'm no failure as a man but there's always been something missing in my life, missing in me.
I've found a path to it now. Whether its really a road to answers or a yellow brick road to Oz, mere fantasy... I'll just have to see.

I'll be lurking and around. My Dina is calm and still, but the man of the house has often not known when to shut it... odds are, I'll be on the forums a good bit.

[JennyII23]

Wow Diana ,I am speechless ,what a story of life ,as to me I am 52 work a trade, with all guy's 32 of experance ,and yes good at my job ,was married for 20 yrs ,rearly almost not cd ,was not the straw as we say that broke the camel's back,and now with a wonder GF 7yrs ,love so much.We are good folk !!!as you say work hard play hardDrag raced for yrs., race boats ,golf ,all the good stuff but feel more feminine than most guy's ,I know than all my friends ,long time pal from school 30 yrs ago,I am behind closed doors and good with it ,go have fun :hugs::love:,please stay in touch PM me if ya want.

[DinaMature]

Thanks, Jen.
I am bold natured enough, I can imagine having my act together enough to try going out in public, but anonymously. Isn't that ironic? Privacy in a crowd?

I'm not ready to out myself to anyone not in the scene. For now it's my private matter that doesn;t impact anyone. My gf and I live apart, so I have the privacy to indulge myself.

[deja true]

I'm no failure as a man but there's always been something missing in my life, missing in me.

Dina, you can read minds, too....

Now if there was only enough time to live 2 full lives rather than 2 half lives...


:)

[Cathytg]

You write so well! I enjoyed reading this.

I, too, can relate to the feelings of calm and grace. And, like you, it isn't because the masculine side is so awkward or so stressed. Interestingly, my masculine side was all those unpleasant things but I seem to have gotten a lot of it under control. Even so, the dressing has never gone away all my 63 years of life.

I would have it no other way.

[Karren H]

Yeah!! Great intro and welcome to the club!!! :)

[Rochelle Exploration]

Dina-

I really agree with your comments about not being a failure but something missing. That's something I came to the realization of just a while ago. I've begun keeping a diary and I want to share my entry for the day I realized who I was. I hope it helps.





It sure feels good to say my name is Rochelle. On many levels I didn’t know that for years, but almost 18 years ago if I had really paid attention I may have discovered it sooner…lol.



While I’ve dressed on and off for years, between bouts of denial and keeping myself hidden I had never acknowledged my inner self until recently. I did not allow myself to be. So since I never really existed I guess I never had need for a name. In many ways I guess I was keeping my own existence from blossoming. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with ourselves how can we expect to have a successful relationship with anyone else?


Those words flow easier now, but it has been a long road to come to that realization.


I searched, I tried, I explored. Even in my marriage before my wife got sick and eventually passed there was always something missing? A piece that just didn’t seem to be there, kind of like a door with a broken hinge you could get inside but only with a bit of a struggle and then forcing yourself in you wondered if it was worth all the effort, so more often than not gave up trying.


Now however that I know Rochelle, it seems easier. Not only have I been acknowledging and growing on my own, but also I’ve been opening up. Really for the first time allowing others in to see the real me it feels so good to share. It truly is a weight off my shoulders. I’m walking taller with my chest out further and I suspect with a little more sway…lol.


Now you ask, girl what happened 18 years ago that you should have paid attention to?


It was at that time that I was studying a lot of metaphysics. All part of my journey and I had come to know a couple of gifted psychics. Always trying to present the appearance to everyone that every thing was okay I never sought counsel from them. Then one evening I had taken a friend to see them and she asked of them when would I find the happiness I deserved?


At first I froze. How could she let on that I might need help? I was momentarily angry but after one of the psychics gave a response and the second concurred adding to the diagnosis I felt a peace. It was one of those calm, warm, serene moments when you know everything is okay, everything will be better and that what you had just learned was absolutely the truth. I knew it instantly, but did not understand it.


What was it they told me? I’ll never forget those words.


You will find true happiness when you come to know Rochelle. She will unlock the secrets, open up your heart and inspire you to heights you’ve only dreamed of.


The second advisor then concurred, saying yes Rochelle! Rochelle is it. When you come to be with Rochelle your life will never be the same. You’ll enjoy life as it was intended.


Not only did I feel the immediate confirmation, but also so did my friend Diane. She was wide eyed and said she had goose bumps and knew we needed to start looking for Rochelle.


So I searched and a series of failed relationships over the years followed. I met a Rhonda, well that must be her. It wasn’t. Then there was a Roxy, Rae Anne, another Roxanne and I even married Rosa. I kept rationalizing to myself well it kind of sounds like Rochelle. The row sound they must have been close but not quite…lol. Well that was how I thought.


It wasn’t until last month that I truly realized I had known Rochelle since I was at least five years old.


It had been a particularly horrendous day in the career field. All sorts of craziness related tot eh economy. Twenty-five co-workers were escorted to the door that day and suddenly I was being told to do more with less and while my position was secure I would take on additional responsibilities through without a title or any increase in pay or considerations.


All I could do was grin and bear it at the time but obviously I was quite frustrated, angry and feeling isolated. I came home ripped my necktie off and couldn’t get out of my suit quick enough. I was pacing about knowing I needed something.

It was then I walked into the closet (a literal one this time ..lol) and pulled on a pair of flowery pink hip hugging panties, a pink lacy bra and satiny black robe. At first I didn’t realize why I needed to dress so quickly but as I went and stretched out on the sofa, adjusting the belt on my robe, catching a glimpse of my cleavage, I smoothed the robe and revealed just a bit of my bra. I was smiling. I had whisked away the troubles of the day and felt better and pretty.


I sat for several hours pondering, praying, wondering and wishing. At some point there was that moment of self-realization of why I felt better. I knew I couldn’t feel good about anything or anyone until I felt good about myself. At that moment I felt good about myself. I liked how I was dressed. I liked the way it made me feel. I had known since I was five if I was stressed or worried, wearing a bra seemed to give me the comfort I needed. The feeling of support I needed.



Into my head I suddenly heard the words of those two visionaries from 1990. You will find true happiness when you come to know Rochelle. She will unlock the secrets, open up your heart and inspire you to heights you’ve only dreamed of. Yes Rochelle! Rochelle is it. When you come to be with Rochelle your life will never be the same. You’ll enjoy life as it was intended.



I then came to realize my name is Rochelle.


Over the next few weeks I began dressing more, working on my look. Taking serious steps for the first time to be more lady-like. While most of my life had been relegated to bras, panties and nighties and purchased some outfits and it felt good. I began wondering about make up and knew I had to do something about my hair.



I began researching and ordered my first wig. (I can’t wait for it to get here.) Rochelle was developing and coming into her own. She got her own email account and began looking for other resources, more information she needed and that’s how I found you girls.


While I know I will continue to be part time for quite a while, parts of three decades in a career I don’t have the means to walk away from, I am Rochelle more and more. Thanks to tips and help form others I learned during this past weekend-my weekend of firsts ..lol. I’m working on my make up each day, dressing as soon as I return home and remaining so until I ready for work in the morning.


I continue to take more first steps. Sunday evening I painted my toe nails for the first time ever and during the day find myself looking down to my hidden guilty pleasure knowing that under the black leather footwear and heavy socks are some very lovely violet nails wiggling back at me!


Preparing myself for the arrival of my wig and my goal of taking photos and posting them, I’ve also begun some strategic hair removal and while I had never thought of doing it before I shaved my underarms for the first time. Not a really sexy thought or probably all that interesting or exciting to you I know, but it feels so good. Exhilarating mentally, liberating emotionally and actually feels quite good physically too….lol.


She will unlock the secrets, open up your heart and inspire you to heights you’ve only dreamed of. Yes Rochelle!


I am Rochelle and I am happy.



I know I can be long winded....lol But I'm here to learn and share.

[DinaMature]

Rochele, you too have traveled far to reach this place. /respect

Painted toe nails... yes yes yes. I did mine for the first time just three days ago. I suspect they'll be that way much of the rest of my life. A little something that's always there, easier than underdressing, and not so tactile but spiritually powerful nonetheless.

[Jenniferpl]

I can relate to both of you. All I can say go girls.

[docrobbysherry]

ALL of us r happier when we can be who we r! Sounds like you're getting close to finding that out for yourself!:)

( After 60 years, I'm STILL trying to figure that out!):brolleyes:

[SuzyZahn]

I`ve enjoyed youir post,,,and like others can relate,,,,i`ve been dressing now for 40plus years and prob about 2 years ago finally,,finally accepted its never ever going to stop and that i need to just accept it,,,I still dont go out(wifes wishes)but someyear feel its inevitable,,,,via a support group setting to start ,,,id guess,,,,but making a long story short,,,,gosh its so hard being `us` at times,,,we are very complex personnas!!

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Hi Dina. Welcome to the group. I have a good GG friend named Dina(she doesn't know about my CDing). Mine is kind of a long story but since I began my CDing journey, I have to say I feel alot better and confident about myself that I can explore my feminine side. Good luck on your journey.

Felicity :)

[paulaN]

Be carefull girls. Don't go into the pink fog so far that you can not find your way out. We and I say we because I am in kinda the same boat. We have to find a balance. We have to live in the male world that we make our living at and we have to find the female world that we are comfortable with. Me, I just want to have fun with that girl inside of me. I find it fun. Girls just want to have fun right. At the same time I have got to live and work in that mans world. I have to say that I have pushed that world again. I am running around the world with my ears pierced. For some people up here in the sticks, it is a problem. I don't care about them. But I have to be carefull how much I push too. So I guess I am saying don't push to hard but stay in the pink. Have fun with it. That's my motto.

[TrekGirl1701]

I recently went through the same thing. I've finally figured out where crossdressing fits in my life. I will never be full time. And I may never tell anybody. But I'm no longer conflicted. I'm no longer ashamed. It's a great feeling.

[PortiaHoney]

I wholeheartedly concur. Still battling with the "public" thing but those close to me know and it's great not to have to hide it.

Still wondering who that person is in the mirror somtimes though. But I do like her.

Hugs Portia

[DinaMature]

unexpectedly, the mirror is a lot less of an enemy than it ever used to be.

[lauraabdl]

After 55 years I'm still living and learning and exploring. I'm better than I was years ago. I love my my journey and experiences and can't wait to see what will happen around the next cornor.
Laura:daydreaming:

[Ronni Seymour]

Dina, I can also relate. It's been a long journey, but worth it. As with many things in life, it takes sweat and tears to come to a meaningful conclusion. I have been able to fit Carol in quite nicely, thanks in large measure to the support of my wife.

[DinaMature]

I have some days of indulgence before Christmas week and I'm trying to maximize my oppurtunities.

I am so relaxed and fine within myself. I can't wait until I can get a wig.

I am more than bold enough to try the waters of going out. Portland is 30 minutes away and it's a very tolerant city, so I could feel pretty at ease among the throng.

I've had recent times thinking back to my few times of full dressing in a dress or a skirt, years ago. It just never felt like this and a part of what I've come to believe that it's somehow important that is MY stuff. Items I've seen and been drawn to buy. Like the green dress in my avatar. I saw that at the thrift store and knew it was mine. It was the first and I love it.
I have a black spandex girdle... really satiny bicycle shorts, but I remember seeing and buying it immediately. I don't wear it daily but it is a fav.:heehee:

[tricia_uktv]

Dina, you sound a bit like myself a year ago. I was absolutely determined to come out and be myself. It turned out muc easier than I thought but there were still some painfull and heart stopping moments. I am now able to do anything I like dressed but can't do it at home because of kids (who know) and work (some who know). So I do it weekends.

Calm, graceful and thoughtful certainly relates to my male side as well as Tricia. We swap qualities when we need them.

The last year has been the most amazing of my life and I can't wait for Next Year to begin - got to get over Christmas first though :(. All it needs is desire, attitude and confidence.

Good luck and have fun!!! (watch your bank balance though)