(Wordily) Requesting advice and anecdotal example

[Odalisque23]

Hello all,

I am currently facing a situation to which many of you can relate, and am hoping for some good advice or at least some consolation. Allow me to set the scene.

I have been crossdressing since a very young age. Even in my youth I was instinctively aware of the consequences should I get caught. Accordingly, there are likely no more than three witnesses to my proclivity, and even those situations were framed as such that they could be shrugged off as a lark. My urge to crossdress has not diminished over the years as I once believed it would, and after some research, I learned that it probably never will (though, for the record, I am quite content being a male). Personally, I have accepted my crossdressing as a fact of my existence, although my opportunities to dress are few and far between (and never as long as I'd like...), and it remains a secret at large. Naturally, I hope to correct this in the near future, but there is a pretty serious hurdle in my way, completely of my own design.

Last year, I got married. My wife and I, at the time, had been a couple for about five years. Although we are relatively young, I can say with conviction that I am very much in love with her (and very much sexually attracted to her, as well). We have been great friends since high school, and have been exceptionally happy together since she moved in two years ago. My only regret is that I was never honest to her about my crossdressing. Now, I'm not your typical macho guy; I'm slight of build, an 'artist,' etc. These traits were what won and endeared her affection. And although my wife is a very politically progressive, sensitive, and intelligent person, I cannot help but fear her shock and disapproval upon my personal revalation, if not for the fact that her husband wants to wear her dresses and use her eyeshadow, then for the fact that I waited so long to tell her, which in my estimation is a betrayal of trust.

I have attempted, and failed, several times to drop the bomb. In fact, I'm not really sure how I should do it. I would assume she has an inkling, given our lengthy conversations on women's fashion, my desire to go as Gwen Stefani for last Halloween, and accounts of myself and a female friends in high school hitting the mall department store dressing rooms at prom season to try on all the latest arrivals. As there is no way to be sure, this does not exactly instill me with the courage required. I think there is possibly an idyllic future for our relationship on the other side of this dilemma, but a rough path to get there.

As a newbie to the forum, I hate to bring such a heavy topic, and I hope I don't vibe everyone out. What I'm looking for is advice from those who have crossed this line before, or any other suggestions. I fear the worst for my sanity if I don't act soon, and the worst for our relationship if I do.

Thanks everyone, and sorry for the wordy post.

[womantrapped2005]

Look the way I see it, if she loves you, she'll approve of your crossdressing. Just set her down one night and just look in your heart and the words will come.

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Gwen Stephanie,

I have been crossdressing ofr 46 years and have been married for the past 24 years.I only came out to my wife four months ago.I may be luckier than most,my wife used to council Transexuals and was quite understanding when I explained everything to her.She has been very supportive and even did my makeup for a photo shoot.
I saw a therapist the day I came out and told him what I was planning on doing.He said if I felt comfortable to go ahead.That evening,I was so scared,but I told my wife that I wanted to talk to her in my office after supper.Two tranquilizers and a few glasses of wine later and I told her I had seen a therapist that day and why.I assured her I was not Gay and did not wish to become a woman,that I was happy being a man.All she said was ,"what do you want from me",I told her all I wanted was understanding and I certainly got that.This is a best case scenario:I have heard worst case on this site.
My advice would be to really think about what you plan on saying and how understanding and receptive your wife is.Do'nt rush it,take your time and think
carefully.Only you will know when the time is right.Read more of the threads here,go back and read old threads about coming out.Best of luck to you,I hope to hear that you are another of us lucky ones.

[azure]

its been said in various ways to various people on here, and I'll repeat it, and stress the need for common sense, and mature, calm, sincere, honesty, whether it hurts or not. Yes it is shitty, and no it is not nice at all, be honest and genuine respectful and even if it does bring about insurrection in your relationship, then youve got to see it through. Its good here isnt it, no not really. I wish you luck and clear communication and judgement.

[beverlylowery]

Hello all,

I am currently facing a situation to which many of you can relate, and am hoping for some good advice or at least some consolation. Allow me to set the scene.

I have been crossdressing since a very young age. Even in my youth I was instinctively aware of the consequences should I get caught. Accordingly, there are likely no more than three witnesses to my proclivity, and even those situations were framed as such that they could be shrugged off as a lark. My urge to crossdress has not diminished over the years as I once believed it would, and after some research, I learned that it probably never will (though, for the record, I am quite content being a male). Personally, I have accepted my crossdressing as a fact of my existence, although my opportunities to dress are few and far between (and never as long as I'd like...), and it remains a secret at large. Naturally, I hope to correct this in the near future, but there is a pretty serious hurdle in my way, completely of my own design.

Last year, I got married. My wife and I, at the time, had been a couple for about five years. Although we are relatively young, I can say with conviction that I am very much in love with her (and very much sexually attracted to her, as well). We have been great friends since high school, and have been exceptionally happy together since she moved in two years ago. My only regret is that I was never honest to her about my crossdressing. Now, I'm not your typical macho guy; I'm slight of build, an 'artist,' etc. These traits were what won and endeared her affection. And although my wife is a very politically progressive, sensitive, and intelligent person, I cannot help but fear her shock and disapproval upon my personal revalation, if not for the fact that her husband wants to wear her dresses and use her eyeshadow, then for the fact that I waited so long to tell her, which in my estimation is a betrayal of trust.

I have attempted, and failed, several times to drop the bomb. In fact, I'm not really sure how I should do it. I would assume she has an inkling, given our lengthy conversations on women's fashion, my desire to go as Gwen Stefani for last Halloween, and accounts of myself and a female friends in high school hitting the mall department store dressing rooms at prom season to try on all the latest arrivals. As there is no way to be sure, this does not exactly instill me with the courage required. I think there is possibly an idyllic future for our relationship on the other side of this dilemma, but a rough path to get there.

As a newbie to the forum, I hate to bring such a heavy topic, and I hope I don't vibe everyone out. What I'm looking for is advice from those who have crossed this line before, or any other suggestions. I fear the worst for my sanity if I don't act soon, and the worst for our relationship if I do.

Thanks everyone, and sorry for the wordy post.
I wouild approach her with a very simple request. Maybe you feel you would like to try her panties on. See how that goes. I dropped the bomb on my deceased wife many many years ago and it took her at least 20 years for her to be some what accepting. She finally had to go to a phsycologist and she got us in touch with Tri Ess. An intertnational organization of hetrosexual crosdressers. If your wife is utmimatley acceptable to that Tri Ess has Significant others meetings. Look up Tri Ess on the computers and it will give you cities hat have Tr Ess Meetings. I klnmow there's one in Chicago, Tampa, Orlando, Denver and cities up and down the west coast amd i up and down the east coast, That may be your salvation. Let me know how it turns out.

[StephanieCD]

I swear... I must have stumbled into an alternate universe - I might as well have written that post myself about 5 years ago... wow. My advice - find a way to tell her. You know yourself - under what circumstances could you do it? Create those circumstances and come clean. The 5 years ago I'm referring to - my fiance and I (at the time) had been together a while, etc... when I finally told her, her main problem was the time that had passed under false pretenses - that not talking was a lie, of sorts. Make sure you're ready to answer all of her questions - not gay, have been like this all my life, happy as a male - etc. Tell her how you've tried to tell her but it's so hard, etc. I would not point out the past hints you've dropped unless asked.

Don't write a note or something - face her. Possibly write it out beforehand and keep it in your pocket just in case things go bad... but pay her the respect of a conversation.

I've had the conversation a few times - all three times I cried like a sissy. Its hard, at least for me. But every day you don't tell her is another log on the fire.

Welcome to the forums, btw :)

[Stephenie]

After 23+ yrs I told my wife and we are still trying to work every thing out. the longer you wait(I mean yrs not days or weeks) the harder it will be for both of you. Think hard and go with your gut feelings. In my opion she deserves to know and you deserve to have her know. Just remember how long it took you to accept it as part of you and that it might take her awhile too.
Hope you can find peace.

[Marla GG]

Hi there!

I think all the advice you've received so far is right on the money. I'll just add my 2 cents worth as the wife of a crossdresser, if you're interested.

Congratulations on recognizing that you need to tell her--the sooner the better. Much of what you say makes me very hopeful that things will go well.


I am very much in love with her (and very much sexually attracted to her, as well)

This is very important, and you should make sure she knows it.


I'm not your typical macho guy; I'm slight of build, an 'artist,' etc. These traits were what won and endeared her affection.

Perfect! Let's hope she will realize that your softer side is really an expression of your femme self...which sounds like it is a large part of what made her fall in love with you, even if she didn't realize it at the time.


my wife is a very politically progressive, sensitive, and intelligent person


This is sounding better and better for you :) I have to caution you, though, that even if your wife is liberal in her attitudes, and even if she is intelligent and well educated, she still may not know much about crossdressing. Having the right information is so important. In my case, when I first found out that my partner was a crossdresser (this was in a previous relationship, not in my marriage to Angel) I was still initially shocked even though I thought of myself as broad-minded, and had even taken courses in human sexuality (where crossdressing was discussed in the chapter on "fetishes"), gender studies (where it was lumped in with queer theory and focused on drag queens) and psychology (where I remember learning about gender dysphoria, but not about heterosexual male crossdressers who have no desire to become women). My advice: gather together some good, reassuring information on crossdressing and give it to her after you have your heart-to-heart talk. It will make a big difference. If you need some suggested websites and books, let us know.


I cannot help but fear her shock and disapproval upon my personal revalation, if not for the fact that her husband wants to wear her dresses and use her eyeshadow, then for the fact that I waited so long to tell her, which in my estimation is a betrayal of trust.

Well, yes, there is that. She may well be shocked. In fact, even if she doesn't appear to be phased, it's almost certain that true acceptance will take a little time. At the very least, she first has to ask you a lot of questions and figure out exactly what she is being asked to accept! As for waiting so long, you can only be honest. Tell her that you once believed it would go away; tell her that you love her so much you were afraid of losing her; tell her that you realize it was wrong to hide it and that you're sorry. If she loves you, she'll forgive you, though perhaps not without some pain and anger first.

You can't get to "idyllic" until you take this step, so get your courage up and do it. When you do tell her, don't beat around the bush or try to give subtle hints. It didn't work before, and isn't likely to work now. Just tell her about your history, your feelings, and that you would like to include her in what has been up until now an intensely private part of your life. Tell her that you've been suffering because you haven't been able to share it with her. I'm sure that if you're patient, she'll come to understand.

[Bernadina]

This has been an issue for many of us. Try doing a search such as "telling wife" or other variations. There are lots of threads with good advice on how to handle it.

The one thing that everyone agrees on is to tell her before she finds out herself and do it soon. There should be no secrets between a husband and wife.

Many of us got the CD thing out of the way early in the dating part of the relationship, and are glad we did.

Good luck.

[Julie York]

Hi Odal,
As a fan of H.G.Wells and other writers who knew what an apostrophe is, and that a comma can indeed come before the word 'and, then I can only heartilly wish you luck in your endeavours.

You are on a difficult path, down which many a CD has trod. (tred trodded!!! DOH!)



Seriously. Good luck.

[Odalisque23]

Thanks a lot for all the advice, everybody! I am hoping to get it together soon, and I'm sure all your support will prove invaluable. I will post again once we sort it out.

See ya'.

[DonnaT]

I have attempted, and failed, several times to drop the bomb. In fact, I'm not really sure how I should do it. I would assume she has an inkling, given our lengthy conversations on women's fashion, my desire to go as Gwen Stefani for last Halloween, and accounts of myself and a female friends in high school hitting the mall department store dressing rooms at prom season to try on all the latest arrivals.

If that last bit of info about trying on dresses didn't already tell her . . .

I think she is aware, but maybe not how much of it is a part of you.

I would suggest that you be prepared before hand to answer questions she may have, but she may simply say, "I figured as much."

When I told my wife how much this was a part of me, shortly after we were married 29+ years ago, it was while I was dressed fully. We had been playing at my dressing, wherein such playing started with her shaving my legs, and my dressing fully progressed in front of her shortly thereafter. She asked why I liked to dress up and I finally told her why.

Not the way to go for many, howver.

So, maybe you can bring up your past discussions on trying on prom dresses or why you liked dressing up on halloweeen, or both, and then explain how you really feel.

[Mitzi]

Years ago...everything seems to have happened years ago with me :rolleyes: my wife and I were going through a particularly difficult time. It was before she knew about my CDing. Not knowing where to turn, at a friend's urging I went to a therapist to find out what could be done. I described what was going on between us as honestly and objectively as I could. It was only one session, but it gave me some isight into what made her "tick".

The point of this post is ...would such a session help you get a more objective assessment of how best to approach this problem?

Yes, do keep us posted.

Mitzi

[Elysia]

No one can predict the future but based on your description I’d say that there is lots of reason for hope.

It took me more than seven years of marriage before I told my wife about my cross-dressing. By that time I had come to realize that cross-dressing was not something I was going to be able to set aside and that I really needed to tell her about it. I found that keeping this secret was a problem, not that it was difficult, but that the dishonesty it required had a corrosive effect. It diminished our intimacy because I was always holding something back. I don’t mean sexual intimacy. I mean, I was never able to be comfortable in her love and I could not wholly express my love for her. I did love her and did express my love but I was always holding a part of myself back, that part was missing, it wasn’t engaged in the relationship, it wasn’t part of our life, if you see what I mean.

I thought just as I think you do. My wife is a well educated, intelligent, and liberal minded person. I never thought she would accuse me of committing a terrible sin but I did wonder if she would still love me and want to continue to be my partner. I finally came to realize that I had no choice, I had to tell her. I was not going to stop cross-dressing and I had to stop hiding from her.

I was helped by fate. Fate always seems willing to lend a hand once I’ve set my course. One day I noticed a bag of my wife’s clothes sitting in the hall next to the front door. It included a number of very pretty things, some of which I’d tried on in the past, including a set of matching bra and panties made of peach colored silk and lace that had long been particular favorite of mine. I knew perfectly well that these were clothes she didn’t wear anymore—hence the ease with which I’d been able to borrow them—and I could guess that they were about to be donated.

It was an odd thing, I’d made up my mind to tell her but what pushed me to act was that I really didn’t want to see that peach color lingerie go. So I asked my wife if, instead of donating them, she’d let me keep them and I explained that I occasional liked to try them on, just for fun. Well, she was happy to let me keep them. I went on to explain that I’d always cross-dressed, that I didn’t know why, but that it wasn’t something likely to go away. I told her that I’d decided I must let her know because I didn’t want to keep secrets from her but that I had been very nervous about telling her. She was completely wonderful about it.

The main thing I had to reassure her about was that I wasn’t planning on putting our security at risk. I wasn’t going to go to work in a skirt and risk losing my job, I wasn’t going to attend school events in high heels and risk embarrassing our son, that sort of thing. I had no intension of doing anything like that so we had no problem. She never asked me if I was gay. I add that because it seems like it’s a common question to come up but she already knew that most cross-dressers are heterosexual. I did tell her that I adore her and that she’s the always been and will always be the only one for me.

I am very glad I told her. Our relationship is stronger and deeper because of it. She knows me and she loves me and that feels great. I love her unreservedly. Every part of me is now gladly invested in our relationship. I still hide my cross-dressing from society at large but that is different, society only cares for a fragmented projection anyway, my integrity doesn’t suffer because of that. With my life partner I’m genuine and complete. It’s great. I recommend it.

[Genifer Teal]

You will be taking a great risk in telling her. The alternative is to keep this secret from the one you love dearly for the rest of your life. That may be possible for a while, but unlikly something you can do forever. Your best chances for a good outcome will be if you tell her sooner rather than later. When you tell her, don't forget to include the part about how when you met her, your interest in dressing went a way (for the most part) and you didn't see the need to tell her. Now that it is back you feel she must know. Her feelings and trust will be hurt far more if she believes you intentionally hid this from her. Makes sure she knows you did not intentionaly set out to decieve her.

Best of luck to you!


Hugs - Genifer

[sissy stacy]

(curtsey)

i have always told GFs early in the relationship. That has always been for the best. If they ran, they ran, if they stayed, they stayed. Each case was different. Some of them i just told them i liked to wear ladies' underwear and frilly dresses. When i told my current, i just answered the door dressed in bra, panties, garter belt, atockings, heels and petticoat. She just shrugged and has been ok with it since.

The longer you wait, the harder it is and the more likely a bad reaction. The business about keeping something from her for so long seems to be the thing that does the most damage. The ladies seem to get the most upset when we keep ANYTHING from them, the longer you keep a thing from them, the more upset they get.

(curtsey)

-sissy stacy