Long night - no sleep - boundary dispute

[JoAnne Wheeler]

DEAR SISTERS:
Last night was a semi-disaster. My spouse of 38 years accidentally found a SPANX Box in our garage. She was mad ! She said that I was spending too much on clothing and underwear. She said that I have enough underwear to change them three times aday for several years - which is only partially true. She blew up and then I blew up. In the heat of shouting, I told her that I was ready to leave. (separate)
We then sat down and talked for several hours. (communication) She told me that the reappearance of my "urge", "desire", "compulsion" and the depression that I exhibited before the reappearance was very traumatic to her. She said that I was not taking her feelings into consideration. She indicated that "JoAnne" had become number one in our home and she said that she demanded to be number one.
Earlier this year, we spent many long hours discussing my deep, deep depression that I had been going through. "JoAnne" had been dormant for approximately ten years and then out of the blue, "Bamm", JoAnne came back with with the greatest urgency, longing, power and pink fog that I have ever experienced in my life and I have been a CD since I was 7 or 8 years old. Prior too and even now, "JoAnne" has taken over my own life. I find it hard to work at my job or to enjoy sports or do anything else without thinking about JoAnne.
My wife, whom I love very much, has told me that she does not care if I dress up, as much as I want - as long as she is the number one woman in our home. That is good and I love her for that. I told her last night that JoAnne is tired of dressing up at home with no place to go. My spouse likes to attend museums and go to musical concerts. My male side is not overly found of that and usually go along to appease my spouse. I told her that when JoAnne is present, she would love to attend those activities which is true - JoAnne actually has a different personality (better) than my male side.
She said that she would consider doing that. I also told her that JoAnne would love to go shopping and go out to eat with her.
This website has been a true blessing to me. I wish that it had been available when I was in college many, many years ago. The knowledge, compassion and advice that you sisters give is wonderful and reassuring.
I love to read the threads and the posts. I truly love to look at your photographs. So many of you are truly beautiful. I am so impressed and envious (actually jealous) of you all. I cannot begin to descibe your beauty and poise and adventures. I am so impressed with KimberlyTx and the rest of you all. I think I already said that. I wish that I could look like you and attend the social activities that you do and travel like you do. I am so envious of you your smooth legs and arms and the way that you all present yourselves and your ability to pick out clothing, makeup, wigs that make all of you look so perfect.
Even though my spouse has told me that I can dress up as much as I want, so long as I devote the majority of my time with her, she has set "BOUNDARIES", that painful word. She does not want me to wear a nightgown to bed and she does not want me to shave my body hair. Those are her compromising boundaries. Well, I have more dark body hair than Smoky the Bear ! I hate it. I have hated it since it started growing on me when I reached puberty. Unfortunately, my spouse loves it and loves to run her fingers through it. Well, I tried to make a compromise without telling her, not good, although I have read your threads about shaving your legs and such. I decided that I would pluck all the hair off my fingers and hands and feet and ankles. I thought that I could compensate by wearing long sleeves and opaque pantyhose and get by. Well, that did not go over good last night. She gave me an ultimatum of letting my hair grow back or do not bother ever coming back home. I told her that I felt like I was the GEICO CAVEMAN. She also demanded that I not go off my depression medication - I am taking 3 anti-depressants at this time - I told you that "Joanne" had come back with a vengance and desire that is the most powerful desire that I have ever experienced.
What should I do ? I long to be like you all. You all are so beautiful and you seem to have such a good time with your female side. I don't want to "Be Like Mike", I want to be like you. How can I cope ? JoAnne's demands are overwhelming. When JoAnne has been in our home for a couple of days, my male side mood is soo much better! JoAnne wants more and more and more. My spouse wants more and more of me. I feel as though I am destructing inside. I stay depressed, even with three anti-depressants. I have suicidal thoughts. I am so frustrated. JoAnne and my spouse are fighting over me. I am at my wits end. I love my spouse and I love JoAnne. JoAnne can be a beautiful woman - my spouse has even commented how beautiful and well put together that she appears.
I treasure your advice! I know that only someone who has waked in my shoes like you all have can give advice and can understand what I am going through.
I love all of you.
JoAnne Wheeler

[Desiree2bababe]

Hang it there JoAnne, as she is giving so must you. Hope you find a happy medium.

[StaceyJane]

I know it's so very hard. I would recomend seeing a therapist about your gender issues not just your depression. Someone experienced in working with TG people can help find a way for the three of you to live together. I'm still in the closet but I'm seeing a therapist. Not to have SRS but to find peace with myself and work on coming out.

[Karren H]

You are me 5 years ago.. After 10 years mine came back with a vengence.. Out of control.. My wife finding out put balance back into my life else I'd still be stuck in the pink fog..

I think you have it great since your wife seems to be accepting.. And there's nothing wrong with some boundry conditions, in my humble opinion.. Lifes all about balance.. Between you and your wife and between your fem and non fem sides.. If you want to stay with your wife then you need to find that balance quickly.. And go from there.. I'd die to have an accepting SO since mine isn't so your have a leg up on a lot of us.. I'd put her on a pedistle in a heartbeat!!

And btw.. I'm not that lovely.. I just don't post my "guy in a dress" photos!! Hahaha

Good luck!!

[mklinden2010]

JoAnne,

I think your wife is doing her best to watch out for you. Her expression of "anger" is as likely to be her expression of fear that you are, indeed, spending too much time and energy on JoAnne's agenda and neglecting the other aspects of your life.

Your wife seems not to be opposing you in most of what you do, but like the guy who decides "Hey, a faster car would be even better!" she is alerting you to the danger you are creating in your life. Give her a good listen - she loves you and cares for you.

The medical issues and the anti-depressants are a concern here. Have your meds checked and rechecked. Review this with your thearpist and/or counselor. Crossdressing, and thinking about JoAnne are generally fine - we'd all agree to that. But, over doing anything is cause for concern.

Good luck to you. Sounds like you and your wife have had a good relationship and that you are both agreeable to working through this. Give your wife the lead on this and let her help you find a way to get your life back in balance.

[trisha59]

:2c: It seems to me that if all your wife is asking is for you not to wear a night gown to bed and stop shaving your body hair you have it pretty good. If you can purchase one more piece of clothing buy a mans night shirt. Its made for males and in the dark you would be hard pressed to tell the difference. And the Irony of it might bring a smile.

[Cassia-Marie]

I totally agree with Mary - have your meds re-evaluated and possibly get a second opinion. I'm also on anti-depressants and can tell you that I spent years on an emotional rollercoaster to which I have vowed I will never return. Please don't go off your meds but definitely make sure they're the right one's for you. There's a plethora of good drugs out there to help you. I, too, had suicidal tendencies and I'm sure I would not be here today had it not been for finding the correct drug and dosage to keep me and my emotions in check. It's fine to be emotional but if it gets in the way of having a functional and happy life, then you need something to help you come back to the center and balance your life. From personal experience, I can tell you that even with the anti-depressants, I'm still not completely happy with my life but since I recently started letting my feminine side come out more and accepting that I'm perfectly normal (despite what the general public may think) my personality has started to change towards someone that I really enjoy being. That change isn't as outwardly apparent as I like right now but on the inside, I'm feeling so much better. It'd be wonderful to have smooth arms and legs to make me feel and to help remind me that I'm more feminine but, for now, I'll have to be satisfied with working on the inside before I can get to the outside. I'm still not out to my wife and I'm not sure that I ever will be but I'm accepting the challenge to change for the better.

Having sites like this and conversing with the incredible and strong people here will certainly help. Having a good therapist may help as well (I'm considering that for myself, too). Just know that there's support and help for you. Life is too precious and even though you may feel that your wife isn't giving you a fair shake, I know that she's happier with you in this world than without.

As for your wife, it sounds like you have a wonderful and openly loving relationship with her. Don't let her get away! Drastic changes will freak anyone out. I understand that the dreaded pink fog is all-encompassing at times (I'm in a thick haze as we speak) but take a step back and look at the big picture. Nothing bad is going to happen if your arms and legs are hairy right now. What I just did was trim the hair on my arms with a #3 guard on my electric trimmer. When my wife asked why, I explained that I was tired of feeling hairy. In another few weeks, I'll try a #2 guard. After that, a #1. Then I'll break out the epilator I just got last night. *grin* Take small steps and get her used to it over longer periods of time. Listen to her and guage her reaction to the small steps. I understand you want an instant transformation - I do, too - but I know it'd be way too much for my wife and I'm betting it's the same for yours.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find happiness soon. PM me if you want to talk, okay?

Hugs,
Cassia-Marie

[Alice Torn]

For sure, any powerful compulsion, habit, or pleasure, and cding, can take over our whole lives! Like you, i am on three anti-depressants, and have been super depressed lately, so much, that I almost met men, on Craigslist! No wife, but no unmarried gal i know would accept it. Some of my pics looke like a big guy in women's clothes, too, like Karren said. Exercise, riding a bike, walking, running, or other exercise, can help. A therapist, if you can afford one, can be help. Just having a heart to heart, even a good cry, with the wife, and a compromise. Boundries are good. I feel for you, though, as i have never had to work with a wife about this. Life is not easy. We can be too self-centered, cding, too. I know i tend to be.