Hates the Forum.

[Louise C]

Hey Girls, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:sad:

I've been waiting for it and it happened last night.

My wife decided to tell me she doesn't like me spending so much time on the forum chatting and reading the articles. I spend between 1.5 - 2 hours every evening browsing the net, of that about 1 - 1.25 hours on the forum.

I told her about 10 days ago that i had been chatting to you girls, and could tell straight away that she wasn't too keen, although nothing was said. I didn't want to hide it from her as i enjoy my time here.

I'll help her out with whatever first if there's things to do around the house, and i stay in the same room on my laptop at the dining table whilst she watches TV, so we still chat to one another about whatever. I've made a point of not shutting myself away. She has always been fairly domineering in the relationship and i have been happy to just go along with it for a quiet life, though we do argue like a normal couple from time to time. This feels like she's exercising her control again.

What shocked me was the comment -" I feel like you're browsing a porn site".:eek:

Oh Dear - This tells me alot. She obviously thinks that this is some kind of fetish thing for me, or a way to get my rocks off.
After 22 years, she still hasn't worked it out that that is not the case. I tried explaining how it helps, but this didn't work. We ended up being fairly cool after that, and although she's out tonight and i can take part on the forum, i don't like doing stuff she wants me to stop. She hasn't seen the forum as she hasn't shown any interest - in case i think she's encouraging it, i guess. I know she won't like me posting pics of myself as she's always been keen for me to keep it to myself. She hated it when i told some of our close friends.

Jeez, i thought i had it cracked by finding you lot and being open with her about it.

Can anyone suggest anything that might help? She definitely won't want to join or have anything to do with the forum.:sad:

[Karren H]

Join the club!! My wife would freak if she knew the amount of time I spent here and Modding over there.... Luckily for me I can multitask and my Blackberry is invaluable!! :).

if I were you I'd curtail your online activities and do something for your lovely wife.. Like fix the leg on that table, clean up your work room and build her something special.. Ohhh. And buy her some flowers.. Shed be a lot happier if you paid more attention to her and less to us!! Lol

[Shelly Preston]

You should focus on telling her about the loved ones section

She is not alone in having this struggle

It may make her more curious as to how other women coped with the situation as she sees it

[Emma Chase]

Hi Louise

Your wife understands that you dress and thats not an issue for her.

Maybe the fact that your dressing has moved into other areas of your life .. with you now spending time in the forum etc perhaps she feels the boundries of your dressing have changed?

I am not sure how embracing she is of your dressing but maybe if you mentioned that the forum is a place you can come to and interact with and read about others who have a similar interest as you and get ideas, find resources and advice and maybe feel not so alone with your CDing.

Has she ever popped her head over the screen to see that your not surfing porn? Have you ever rasied the idea of her looking at the site with you ... if she see's its a solid place to come to and get information she might be inclinded to visit on her own and maybe join the GG forum..

Just my thoughts and :2c: dear

Emma

[DanaR]

My wife was always worried about "what was I going to do next"? It just took time for her to realize that her fears were unfounded.

[molly_maguire]

Sounds to me like your wife is just being what she's programmed to do - be a woman.

I know that with my wife one day she's ok with something, the next day she isn't. It may be the fact that she's terminally blond, but I don't think that's it - 'tis the nature of the beast.

Most women don't move from point A to point B in a straight line. It takes all sorts of twists and turns for that trip, with lots of pauses and backward steps in between. You've probably witnessed this many times in your journey from the time you first came out to her, the first time she saw you dressed, etc.

I'd leave the forum for a few days, let her know this, and then see if she's changed her mind about it, asking her permission for your next visit.

If she's not cool with that, ask her to join you for a session so she can have a look alongside you. She's likely to find that we're not the nutters that women often think we are.

Failing that, I'd try to negociate an agreed time per week you can visit, sorta like we do with the kids watching the telly and playing video games. Have her keep the hourglass/timer so it gives her the sense she's really in control.

Whatever happens, I think time's your ally - she needs that to get her head around your time spent here and if you proceed slowly, I'll bet you two can strike a deal.

[sissystephanie]

Louise,

Karren gave you some very good advice, as she usually does! But Shelley did also. If you could get your wife to actually read some of the posts, especially those like Shelley mentioned she might have an entirely different idea of what being a CD means.

Having said that, I do think that maybe your forum activities are a little much! Try spending that much time with your wife instead! She will really appreciate that!

[jill s]

Twice I have left this site up and my wife found it, things got a little cold around the house for a few days. She knows I come here and she knows I dress up but she wants nothing to do with it. I think the constant reminders that I am CD gets to her sometimes, maybe it's the same for your wife?

[Nadia-Maria]

She has always been fairly domineering in the relationship
(...)
This feels like she's exercising her control again.


It's very like my own situation. As a rule my SO don't like I engage in any hobbies at all (not only CDing), and wants 100% of my attention when she is in, whatever she is doing, working or even engaging in her hobbies for instance.
And she hates when I sit at the computer when she is sitting in front to the TV to watch any insignifiant show. She would like to have me with her watching the same program she has chosen.

I believe I won't change her, and moreover I love her as she is. :love:
But I manage to have my elementary rights respected.

So that I tell her "NO" when she's exercising her control out of any fairness and justice.
It's a matter of balance, appreciation, and ultimately love.

But I have wholly abandonned the idea to interest her in this forum. She has no interest at all in it, and don't want to learn from the net anything about CDing.

So that, I don't tell her what (and how much time) I'm doing exactly. She would be angry to know it accurately. And it has no interest to let her coming angry.:2c:

[Louise C]

Thanks for your advice so far girls, the problem i have is that by her having to take part in the forum will mean that it's even more in her face. I think i'm gonna have to give this place a break for a while. Shoot.:sad:

[MJ]

i think you should keep doing what your doing. but add some extra time for the wife . you know do the girlie thing with her without being en-femme watch a movie that she likes with a bottle of whine n chocolates that sort of thing..

[cindym5_04]

Taking a break from here probably wouldn't be a bad idea. Obviously we'll miss your gorgeous self! :battingeyelashes:

Take care of her and your relationship with her first.

My wife is pretty much the dominant one in our relationship too...but at least she likes porn.

[Carin]

What shocked me was the comment -" I feel like you're browsing a porn site".:eek:


I can empathise that she has no interest in this site, regardless of how 'valuable' you tell her it might be. I think that this is indeed a control issue. As long as she never looks at the site, you can NEVER prove her wrong.

You may need to open a communication channel (discussion) along the lines of "her judgement of what you are doing without her being informed is not constructive to a two-way balanced relationship". Of course that opens up a huge topic / can-of-worms depending on your relationship.

Alternatively you can let her know that there is extensive information and insight on this site and it is a lot cheaper than therapy.

Most likely she doesn't want to know what is on this site. But I think it is not fair to use that 'not knowing" as leverage.

:2c:

[Louise C]

i think you should keep doing what your doing. but add some extra time for the wife . you know do the girlie thing with her without being en-femme watch a movie that she likes with a bottle of whine n chocolates that sort of thing..


Hey MJ, how are you? Thanks for the advice, sis, - I NEVER cross dress with her. Maybe a pair of shoes, but thats it, and very,very rarely.

[Melinda G]

if I were you I'd curtail your online activities and do something for your lovely wife.. Like fix the leg on that table, clean up your work room and build her something special.. Ohhh. And buy her some flowers.. Shed be a lot happier if you paid more attention to her and less to us!! Lol


Ummm, might not be a good idea. If it's not a special occasion, she may think you have been up to something, or feel guilty about something. And you could cut back your time in here. I also spent a lot of time in here, when I first found it. But how many "I finally did it" threads can you read.

[chrissie-h]

Louise, Could very easily be barking up the wrong tree here, ... and at the risk of teaching one's grandmother to suck eggs ... Could it be that your wife's becoming a little concerned about the sort of friendships you may be 'developing' on this forum? If you're now suddenly spending a lot more time on the laptop, and this behaviour has been repeating itself on a daily basis for several weeks, ... and it's clearly giving you a lot of enjoyment ... she may be putting 2 and 2 together ... Even although you're doing it openly and in the same room, as far as she's concerned, you could still be quietly developing a secret relationship with somebody else ... and she would be none the wiser.
Try talking to her about her concerns again without any specific end-goal in mind. Don't come up with any solutions, and make sure that she realises that you have listened to and understand her concerns before saying anything in your defence. (Remember ... Understanding someone's concerns doesn't mean to say you have to agree with them!) Just tell her about how you feel. Tell her about what you like about the forum without passing opinion/judgement ... and just listen to what she has to say. The best way to influence someone and get to the bottom of issues is actually to ask questions!!! (Avoid questions beginning with 'Why' like the plague!)
Keep it simple, keep it cheerful, and - if you get frustrated - don't raise your voice!
Remember ... she's only being grumpy because she loves you! Hope it helps.
Take care ... look forward to speaking to you soon.

[Louise C]

Louise, Could very easily be barking up the wrong tree here, ... and at the risk of teaching one's grandmother to suck eggs ... Could it be that your wife's becoming a little concerned about the sort of friendships you may be 'developing' on this forum? If you're now suddenly spending a lot more time on the laptop, and this behaviour has been repeating itself on a daily basis for several weeks, ... and it's clearly giving you a lot of enjoyment ... she may be putting 2 and 2 together ... Even although you're doing it openly and in the same room, as far as she's concerned, you could still be quietly developing a secret relationship with somebody else ... and she would be none the wiser.
Try talking to her about her concerns again without any specific end-goal in mind. Don't come up with any solutions, and make sure that she realises that you have listened to and understand her concerns before saying anything in your defence. (Remember ... Understanding someone's concerns doesn't mean to say you have to agree with them!) Just tell her about how you feel. Tell her about what you like about the forum without passing opinion/judgement ... and just listen to what she has to say. The best way to influence someone and get to the bottom of issues is actually to ask questions!!! (Avoid questions beginning with 'Why' like the plague!)
Keep it simple, keep it cheerful, and - if you get frustrated - don't raise your voice!
Remember ... she's only being grumpy because she loves you! Hope it helps.
Take care ... look forward to speaking to you soon.

Thankyou, Chrissie, and the rest of you. x
I'll catch up in a couple of days.

[mklinden2010]

L,

She said she doesn't like you spending so much TIME on the forum chatting and reading articles. That's all she said.

If she adds, "I feel like you're on a porn site" she's really saying the same thing. People do porn, that takes time.

She didn't tell you to stop doing anything, just to stop spending so much TIME doing it.

One remarkable thing about my SO, we never argue about anything. It's a pleasant life, no doubt about it.

But, I think it's because...

When the phone rings - anywhere in the house - I mute the television.

Speaking of television, if she comes in the room to talk to me, I mute the television, or, turn it off.

If I'm reading a book and she walks by, I look up and say, "How's it going?"

If I hear her fussing with the printer in the next room, I stop whatever I am doing and go help her without being asked.

When she talks, I look at her and listen.

(I will stop walking, I will stop reading, I will stop sawing lumber... If I'm driving, I ask her to "Hold on" until I get past this intersection, etc...)

If I realize I didn't hear all of what she said, I apologize by saying: "I'm sorry, I wasn't with you all the way there... Could you say that again?"

In addition, I've been trained by my first two wives/lives to treat our lives as our lives. My SO and I share a house, cars, kids, friends, IRAs, etc. There is no "Yours" and there is no "mine." There is only "ours" - including illnesses, daily problems, wish lists and so forth.

If you're really in tune with the other person you are living your life with, and they with you, then arguing is as silly as arguing with yourself.

All you usually have to be is considerate... Nobody expects you to be perfect or to be without flaws. If you are good to other people, they are more than happy to be good to you in return - and to accept you as you are. "Not perfect, but close enough."

Turn the computer off as often as it occurs to you how wonderful it is that another person wants to share their entire life with you.

Nothing is better than that.

[battybattybats]

Firstly, no means no. Not her telling you no forum... she has a right to request you not view it but ultimately she must respect your right to say no to her about what you do with yourself just like you must respect her right to say no to you about something you request with herself.

Secondly often compromise can be needed to give people room to adapt, but it must be voluntary, if your forced to compromise your rights its abuse. still just putting your foot down may prevent someone having the opportunity to gradually accept, however if your too complient they can take things the other way and instead dig in deeper.

Thirdly one thing I learned the hard way is that if someone goes along being reasonable and bowing to anothers wishes most of the time on non-issue things when you say no to them on a big issue they can be ill-prepared to handle that. So by being too easygoing you can make it harder for someone else when they dont get their way on a big issue.

Whether between state and indiidual and between husband and wife basic human rights always remain no matter what ever. Thats why the 'husbands perogative' was considered the horrific outrage on human rights that it was, and still is in those countries where it remains (thats where a wife cannot deny sex to their husband so a husband can never be considered to have raped their wife no matter how much she says no. Hence why no still means no as basic individual rights are never relinquished even in marriage)

[deja true]

... Seriously, you do have to cut it down you know -- how would you expect her to feel if you spent 1 - 2 hours a night down the pub?


One or two hours every night down the pub wouldn't be so bad if it's just for the camaraderie or social interaction, not the excuse for getting hammered. And in that case, if she joins you, it might actually be a kinda bonding thing!

You're reason for spending time here is the same. You're in need of the interaction with peers that you're not getting at home. It seems a little unfair of her to want to deny you that when she's not offering to share your interest herself.

Does she understand that this will never go away? That you need healthy interaction and support? And that you'd rather get it from her, but are left with us as a much needed fallback?

She is very much welcome here, too. And her own interaction with the gg's here (no matter what their stance on their so's dressing) could be very helpful to her in alleviating her own mistrust and dislike of what you do.


There's gotta be a way to commnicate about this without argument. Keep tryin', hun!

Good luck, Louise...:)

[DAVIDA]

I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice for you. I guess that I am lucky because Jean knows that I have grown as a person with the help of this forum. She will sometimes make the comment "Go talk with your girls"!

[Sarah...]

Chrissie-H was spot on in her post. This comes down to a perceived change in behaviour. It doesn't matter what that is, any change raises questions in a relationship.

It's down to good old communication.

And being fair is a two-way street.

Sarah...

[docrobbysherry]

She's probably just:
Jealous, worried, scared, angry, hormonal, curious, tired, fed up, frustrated, horny, emotional, irrational, nervous, hungry, thirsty, short of funds, or any one of a thousand other things women feel over the course of a day!:)

I think your QUITE lucky she gives a crap about what you're doing!:D
It shows she cares!:hugs:

[Cari]

I have time mangement issues online and can neglect things that need done.

Right now Im on vacation and its cold out so I can indulge, normally I set an alarm and get off when times up. I logged my time for a week and ended up backing off TV and the PC.

Cari

[Louise C]

Whow! Thanks everyone! Your comments are appreciated. We have spoken and i will be staying on the forum, just not so much everyday.

[deja true]

There ya go, sweetie!

We woulda missed ya...

:)...:<3:

[cindym5_04]

YAY!!! I'm glad you're staying around. I'd miss that smiling face.

[Kathleengurl]

Take some time and show her this site. Show her how very well heeled we girls are. Very few of us make the attempt at unseemly activity, and those that do aren't encouraged or permitted by both peer and moderator.

Honestly, it's the first quality that i brag about when discussing this site. precious few other sites provide such an open, respectful and decent environment.

open this oportunity for/to her... build the bridge.. She might be the next supper supportive GG that we all love here.

Respectfully,
--K

[Sam-antha]

I sort of freak myself when I realise how much precious time I spend in this forum. Every day sort of, every night too, and sometimes in the very early morning.
Herself is not aware of the corner so that is one sort of plus in terms of equality ?
~Samm

[Deanna]

There were a couple of similar posts relating to spending more time on here. When any of my daily patterns change my SO picks up on it immediately. She usually thinks that I am keeping something from her. Sound familiar?

I know that it's easy to get wrapped up in all of this so the idea of using a timer to remind you when it is time to return to the "real" world might be an option here.

:2c:
Dee

[Intertwined]

I told my wife the other day, at first she was indifferent, then i got the feeling she may be interested in looking at the site.

I do not know that she ever will, but, I set up an account for her so it will be ready for her when and if she ever is.

[Sally2005]

Just to give you a little more to read and increase your time on-line here's my input. I think it is a case of her not feeling included. I don't mean she should be included, just that she feels like it is something she can't be included in...so she feels lonely. I had a similar issue with my wife. I'm a night owl, she is not. For years she always wanted to go to bed at the same time...it drove me nuts! We moved 'fun time' to the mornings and I stay up late. I do a lot of my surfing when she is sleeping so its not anti-social. Once we were both sitting in front of the TV using our laptops and she actually sent me an email to get my attention. I recommend spending some extra time with her and once and a while show her some of the positive and fun aspects of what you see online... youtube has some great makeup transformation videos, for example.

[Susan4]

As always ... there is a lot of really good advice here.

Taking a break from the forum, spending more time with your wife ... trying to get her to see it as helpful. All good things to do in theory ... whether they make sense or are even possible in your reality, of course, is for you to decide.

I noticed that you said you spend 1.5 to 2 hours a day here. Given how much time some people spend on TV, workshops, working on cars, out drinking, playing sports, coaching little league, and so on ... it doesn't sound like much.

If your wife asked you to give up the hour or two a day you spend on those things ... how might you react? Would you feel different? Would you view it as a reasonable request? I fully support the notion of respecting one's SO ... and the need to be gentle with in comes to CDing. I'm just wondering, when you say you're going to quit your on-line activities for a while (assuming, of course, it's not something you want to do) that it may be a dangerous precedent. Not the part about this forum ... the part about letting her censor what you do with, presumably, your free time.

Don't get me wrong .. quality time with your wife and family come first. But I assume you do have free time. Shouldn't how you spend it be your call.

Susan