It is over for now

[markie v]

Well the Wife figured out what I was going to Therapy for, well she asked and I told her.

Well to make a long story short..... I canceled all my Therapy.

I decided for the time being I rather live with my Children and Wife cause I can not afford to be on the street and loose everything I own at this time. I will slowly start to liquidate my belongings so when the time comes I will be prepared.

I told her I would not persue changing my Gender. However there will be a time when either the kids are old enough or something else happens where I can persue who I really am.

Anyway I am sticking around cause this is a very helpful forum.

I have made some friends here and I want to meet some of you someday.

You cant get rid of the feelings for who you really are, however you can choose to not show them and keep them to yourself and enjoy them when you are alone.

[MJ]

well i do understand and i wish you all the very best. and i hope all works out for you

[Jenna1561]

Markie, I understand your position very well (was there this past summer) and wish you the very best.


Jenna

[pink femme]

Markie

Take care during this difficult time.

I hope and pray that everyting works out for you.

I to am alone and wish it were otherwise.

Look after yourself and remember that we girls are here if you need us

x

[Zenith]

Try and take care of yourself in other ways...if you need to use sublimination...the most important thing is that you are happy in whatever form it takes...:hugs:

[markie v]

Thanks for all the kind words and support.

[Jessicaparkson]

Best wishes to you Markie. We'll still be around and it's great to hear you'll hang around with us :)

[Andi]

Markie, I know personally what a difficult decision you faced. I too chose wife and family over the true me 43 years ago. My journey has been a blend of the highest highs and pure hell. We have to do what we feel is right and I know you chose carefully. I wish you well in all regards and will pray that your journey is not too difficult but filled with countless other joys. :hugs:

[TerryTerri]

Markie,
I wish you well. I know I've tried to respond to your posts several times in the past. You and I have some substantial similarities. However, everytime I try to respond, before I know it my post has digressed and has become chaotic, unorganized and hard to follow. So, I just hit cancel.
Anyway, sorry about your situation with the wife. I have a wife and 2 small kids. For me, the kids have the most impact upon this. My wife and I also can't afford to seperate at this point in time. We get along well and function, for the family, well. However, the 'spark' has been gone for awhile and she doesn't seem to want to light that spark bak. I've given up on relighting the spark, since I can't .... aarrrrrgghh.
See, that's how get off on a tangent, I'm doing it again.
Anyway, I wish you well and hope to continue to see you on this forum.

[gagirl1]

i'm so sorry to hear that, honey. i wish you the best of luck, and we will be here for you whenever you need us. hope everything turns out for the best.

[susiej]

Markie,

Forgive me, but I haven't been part of any past interactions with you on this topic, but -- I wonder if you should think outside the box.

You're looking at a choice (a) between wife, children, current life on the one hand, and (b) therapist, potential gender change on the other. Due to a conflict, you are jettisoning (b) for (a).

But, perhaps you've framed the choice wrong. Could you move the therapist to door (a) for a while, and keep seeing him/her? Defocus the conversation with the therapist away from pure gender change (which wife sees as "bad") to management and understanding of your gender issues (which she should support).

And if you've already committed in your head to a gender change, living female 24x7, SRS and all that, it seems to me that you (bleep)ing need the therapist! Won't it be frustrating and lonely doing without? Can you really live with this totally in the background until the kids are off to college?

I just went through a divorce (oddly enough, not triggered by her "finding out", although she doesn't know), and I'm not out on the street with nothing. You may have a faulty assumption there. If you live in a community property state, you'll end up with about half of everything you own, and joint custody of the kids. Just because you are TS/TG doesn't automatically mean the court is going to treat you like an axe murderer.

It breaks my heart to think of you not only giving up what you want for your own future, but also cutting yourself off from the support you need in order to get through it.

Hugs,
Susie

[StaceyJane]

Markie, As long as your married your family has to be part of your transition. I can understand your wifes reaction upon finding out that you had begun to transition into being a female. She did not marry a woman and being married to a woman is not what she wants.
Transitioning is often a start and stop process, not a straight line. If becoming a woman is truly whats best it will happen, you just have to give it time.

[deja true]

Golly markie! I'm with susuiej on this one!

From first readng your post, it strikes me that therapy (of some sort) is exactly what you need right now... and as a couple! To help her better understand your need as well as to keep that communication line open.

Pushing this thing that absorbs you into the back of your mind for another decade or more is not gonna make you any easier to live with and not gonna make her any more comfortable...prolly just the opposite!

Oh, baby..rethink your decision...with your wifes input. Please?

(...put worried smilie thing here...)

[jessielee]

dear Markie,
i'm with Deja and SusieJ too. there are always possibilities.
i cannot give up my family nor my genetic birth appearance. so i cling all the more to loving, sisterly an other arms. please talk it through, not for transitioning per se but for being comfortable in your own skin. and in your family.
we are here for you.
all my best,
jessie

[Avito]

Take care.

[michelle2b]

Dear Markie, I understand that neither I nor anyone else here can truly understand everything you are going through, but I am glad to know that you will stick around here.

While being true to yourself and true to how you feel are important, you family is important too. I think that gender is only one part of our identity and we have a life to live around our identity. Just because you won't continue along the path to transition, at least not for now, it does not change who you are. Your wife loves you for who you are, but she probably does not understand that you gender identity is also part of what makes you you. It may be good to have a very honest and hear-to-heart conversations, prefixed with "I hope we can share our feelings and I am not trying to justify what I was trying to do" to understand the core reason behind her objections and let her get an idea of your inner feeling too. This will help in both of you adjusting with one another and finding a solution that works for both of you (of course, with some sacrifices on both sides).

I am not preaching, and I hope I do not sound like it. Actually, last evening, while surfing channels on my TV, I found a show in which a married couple was about to split up, because the wife enjoys dressing up and visiting gay bars and hanging out with drag queens. It was an innocent hobby which helps her express her femininity. The husband was very annoyed. He believes that gay people are untrustworthy and unreliable and he does not want his family to have any close contact with drag queens or gay people. It affects his ego that his wife hangs out with such men. The wife had past divorces and she had lived a life of lots of hardship. She has no way to express her feminine side, except for going out in drag. She has gone out 7 times in about 10 months, and once after 3 months of marriage. The husband wants to divorce because of this. Anyway, in the end, the husband was asked to understand that his wife had been through a lot in life and that she had finally brought herself to trust a man when she met him, but she needs to be herself at least once in a while and as long as it is innocent, he should be more willing to give up his fears and also give up his homophobia. He just did not understand her perspective, while she supported all of his hobbies and participated in them too. The only way they reached this conclusion is after they were both asked to write independent letters explaining in very great detail their viewpoint about why they were right.

My point is that perhaps communicating even more with your wife about the topic and understanding how she feels and why she feels that way might help both of you move ahead. Only you know what will really work best for your situation. :2c:

Hope to read your messages. I had read several of your previous postings and I like your logical thinking about topics. :)

[Donnadcd]

I'm at those crossroads myself.

She found out about my "other self" - but she insisted that I go to therapy. I'm just at the beginning stages, but we both feel that this could at least let me know how others in the same situation are dealing with it, as well as giving me a good foundation to possibly pursue it further - while at the same time help minimize the collateral damage it might cause.

I'll have to see how it goes - and let you know.

[MarciManseau]

I totally admire you for putting your family first, especially your kids. Children deserve the best upbringing they can get.

Love you, love your choices, sis :love:


Hugs, Marci and Julie :hugs:

[markie v]

The Wife and I dont have much to begin with. I have no savings and everything else we have is debt. I truly would be out on the street.

My Wife said she is not a Lesbian and will not become one, I can understand her point.

I will wait till the kids are older and out of School or maybe I will win the Lottery.

I can still be a Girl inside and not show it on the outside.

Take care everyone and thanks for the support!

Happy Holidays!

[Kristen Kelly]

Markie,

Forgive me, but I haven't been part of any past interactions with you on this topic, but -- I wonder if you should think outside the box.

You're looking at a choice (a) between wife, children, current life on the one hand, and (b) therapist, potential gender change on the other. Due to a conflict, you are jettisoning (b) for (a).

But, perhaps you've framed the choice wrong. Could you move the therapist to door (a) for a while, and keep seeing him/her? Defocus the conversation with the therapist away from pure gender change (which wife sees as "bad") to management and understanding of your gender issues (which she should support).

And if you've already committed in your head to a gender change, living female 24x7, SRS and all that, it seems to me that you (bleep)ing need the therapist! Won't it be frustrating and lonely doing without? Can you really live with this totally in the background until the kids are off to college?


Hugs,
Susie

:iagree:

I agree with Susie you wouldn't try to lose weight by stop eating would you just not healthy

[Jennifer Brooks]

Oh Markie, I am truly sorry. I hope someday we can meet, one WI. gal to another. Hang in there and stay close to us. :hugs:

[MJ]

Markie,

Forgive me, but I haven't been part of any past interactions with you on this topic, but -- I wonder if you should think outside the box.

You're looking at a choice (a) between wife, children, current life on the one hand, and (b) therapist, potential gender change on the other. Due to a conflict, you are jettisoning (b) for (a).

But, perhaps you've framed the choice wrong. Could you move the therapist to door (a) for a while, and keep seeing him/her? Defocus the conversation with the therapist away from pure gender change (which wife sees as "bad") to management and understanding of your gender issues (which she should support).

And if you've already committed in your head to a gender change, living female 24x7, SRS and all that, it seems to me that you (bleep)ing need the therapist! Won't it be frustrating and lonely doing without? Can you really live with this totally in the background until the kids are off to college?

I just went through a divorce (oddly enough, not triggered by her "finding out", although she doesn't know), and I'm not out on the street with nothing. You may have a faulty assumption there. If you live in a community property state, you'll end up with about half of everything you own, and joint custody of the kids. Just because you are TS/TG doesn't automatically mean the court is going to treat you like an axe murderer.

It breaks my heart to think of you not only giving up what you want for your own future, but also cutting yourself off from the support you need in order to get through it.

Hugs,
Susie

i can't tell you what to do but i was in your shoes and the problem is i too stayed until it hurt so very bad that i almost ended it all... please look after yourself you can still love your children and give your wife another chance of happiness ... we all know were this will end up. don't you think you both deserve to be happy for what time you both have left... it's never easy but we have one life to live not two . :hugs:

[StephanieC]

Markie,

I'm sorry to hear about your turn of events. I think I can understand the internal conflict that self, family, and SO present. In the end, I think we need to be true to ourselves. Ideally, all our loved ones should be able to embrace who we are and allow us room to grow. But the reality is that some people find change hard to take.

My best wishes to you and I hope you find your path. I agree with you: I think you can be a girl inside without any visible indications. It's more than just clothes and makeup.

Regards,
Stephani

[tgirlinva]

Markie,

It really is sad that you must forego your own happiness for your children's. But I completely admire you for it and you should definitely be applauded for your efforts. I neither have a wife nor children, so I am in no place to empathize with your situation. Only you know what's best for you. We here can only give you advice from an outsider's point of you, but when you go home and look at your children in the eyes, we stand on the side lines.

Having said that, you are obviously doing this because you think it is in your children's best interest. However, I think children are the least judgmental individuals. All they need, is a parent whom they can depend upon and who will love them no matter what. And I think by depriving yourself from who you really are, you also are depriving your children of who their true parent is. Also, one think to thing about is that your children may not be as accepting of you when they are already grown up as they may be now.

But I think you also mentioned that it was also a financial decision. So it is definitely something to think about.

But the point of my message is that I would recommend you to continue with therapy. Even if it's little, I think therapy is a good outlet for you to express yourself in a drama-free, non-judgmental environment. I know it sure helps me discover myself, where I want to be, and where I am right now. It's very therapeutic.

Also, one thing I wanted to mention is that I used to be your way. I know how hard it is to keep it inside. But I analogized my feelings to my therapist as being like a volcano. It builds up inside, and one day it will eventually explode. You can only keep so much hidden inside. Having said that, some of you have higher tolerances than I do. So, what happened to me may not work for you.

Bottom line: I wish you the best of luck. PM me anytime you need a friend. And the decision lies within you. Just take down all our advice, but only you know what's best for you and your family.

Love

[bullride84]

Markie,

not all decisions in life are in our control. I was faced with a similar dilema couple of weeks ago. But then I realized I can't risk loosing my family for my own interests.

Hope you can get back quickly to what you want to be really.

[markie v]

Thanks everone for the support.

[Kimberley]

I would only like to say that you should think about all of this carefully. I thought the same as you are now and did so for decades. Now I look back at a life wasted or perhaps lost because of those decisions.

I cant say that it was unhappy but neither was it joyful. My gender dysphoria was always there in the background and several times came to the fore which nearly killed me (literally). Knowing today what I do, if I had to do it all over again, I would have followed my heart and transitioned. Life would not have been easy; it never is, but I would have been comfortable in my own skin.

Today, I am without means and mostly dependent upon my spouse for support. To follow my heart today is not possible (although there is always hope).

I guess I just dont want to see anyone follow in my footsteps making the same choices. Mine were bad ones because I denied myself of my true self and needs. Please think carefully and continue to see the therapist to help you sort this out. (Too many people believe therapists make the choices for you; they are the ones who are most resistant to change that you make.)

:hugs:
Kimmie

[melissaK]

No easy answers. Be mindful that suppression of TG feelings can cause other mental health issues - depression, substance abuse, anger issues, dissociative behavior. I dare say nearly every one of us has tried some version of purging, sucking it up and toughing it out. I go it a day at a time - some days are a breeze - most others are not. There can come a tipping point where a life led in suppression and denial can become tragic, worse than following through. The tipping point varies for each of us. So, hence the idea that you keep your counsellors number so if you start to crumble emotionally, you have help available.

hugs,
'lissa

[markie v]

I have thought it out, this was not an easy decision for me to do.

There will be a day and time when I will be more "situated" to begin what I tried to start.

I dont concider myself wasting any years as long as I am with my Children every possible day I can be with them.

[Joann Smith]

The Wife hit me with that same line when my transistion became evident.. She said .."You rotten ******* ...I am not a Lesiban... " ...I had to laugh at her ....I told her that you really could not be considered a Lesiban if your Girl friend has knocked you up 3 times...

[carolinoakland]

I came to my crossroads after jumping through every hoop, distraction and rationalization to prove I wasn't what I kept running away from. And since I didn't know what I was running from; was I CD? TG? TS? I needed answear that first, every anwear will lead you to a new questions. A therapist is a good place to start to asking questions. Remembe no therapis worth their salt is going to GIVE you answears. They are inside you, and you know it. All the therapist is going to do is give you the tools to answear your questions, and not let your fear of your own happiness make you run away from it. Carol

[markie v]

Not hiding right now, just dormant.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Markie,

Everyone wants whats best for you and have shared their experiences. There are never two situations that are the same. We all are individuals and deal with similar circumstances differently. You are in a tough spot. You are just like all of us that wants to do whats right for all involved. In the end whatever you do is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and family.

I don't want to transition, but like to crossdress. Wife knows kids don't. Would like to be more open and go out but can't. It is tough because it is hard to hold in my feelings and it weighs on me. I just hope you can find a good place for yourself so you can be happy and not effect your kids with the frustration and resentment ( that I sometimes do) that you can not be who you really want to be. Please stay with the therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Good luck and as everyone else has said if you need to talk there are alot of people ready to listen.

Stephanie Michelle

[Kelli Michelle]

I have struggled with the "family or me' issue for a few months. Each person's situation is a little different. For me, divorce or seperation doesn't mean being without the children at all, it's not that black or white. It means just not around them all the time. I would plan on living in the same town and being with them as much as possible. The main difference would be a home life without mom and dad arguing and being stressed all the time. In some ways the family would be better off. But you know your situation best (age of kids, own sense of committment to marriage, relationship with wife, atmosphere within family, etc). So do what you feel you need to...be true to yourself. You know what though? You can change your mind later if you deem it necessary. I would definitely re-evaluate occasionally. The best of luck to you. Take car.

[Jonelle]

Markie,
i would like to extend my deepest of sympathies for you.. and also let you know that we will all be here for you anytime you like..

[Kelly DeWinter]

Markie;

I join the others here in wishing you AND you family the best, you all are in my prayers.

I think you and your spouse should try counseling, if you are both willing.

I hope you are not liquidating anything that is legaly and ethicly owned by your family as well (spouse, and kids)

If you are preparing for a seperation/divorce, then you need to work it out with your spouse NOW before lawyers are called for. (remember 1/2 plus child support and alomony is better then 1/4 and whatever else the judge decides)

I would also talk to other forum members who have worked things out with their spouse.

It sounds like you are are putting a plug in a volcano, it will eventually explode.

Best wishes

Kelly



Well the Wife figured out what I was going to Therapy for, well she asked and I told her.

Well to make a long story short..... I canceled all my Therapy.

I decided for the time being I rather live with my Children and Wife cause I can not afford to be on the street and loose everything I own at this time. I will slowly start to liquidate my belongings so when the time comes I will be prepared.

I told her I would not persue changing my Gender. However there will be a time when either the kids are old enough or something else happens where I can persue who I really am.

Anyway I am sticking around cause this is a very helpful forum.

I have made some friends here and I want to meet some of you someday.

You cant get rid of the feelings for who you really are, however you can choose to not show them and keep them to yourself and enjoy them when you are alone.

[markie v]

I would only liquidate my personal belongings, nothing that is belonged to the family.

Counciling wont work for a Wife that will not become a Lesbian, you can not force somebody to become Gay. It is like being a straight man and having your Wife come home and say she wants to become a man and you will have to enjoy her new Penis and much as she enjoyed yours!


Markie;

I join the others here in wishing you AND you family the best, you all are in my prayers.

I think you and your spouse should try counseling, if you are both willing.

I hope you are not liquidating anything that is legaly and ethicly owned by your family as well (spouse, and kids)

If you are preparing for a seperation/divorce, then you need to work it out with your spouse NOW before lawyers are called for. (remember 1/2 plus child support and alomony is better then 1/4 and whatever else the judge decides)

I would also talk to other forum members who have worked things out with their spouse.

It sounds like you are are putting a plug in a volcano, it will eventually explode.

Best wishes

Kelly

[markie v]

This is a hard battle for me mentally. I have still been thinking daily now about finishing what I started, MTF.

Every day is a new battle for me and I wonder how long I will last before I explode.

Everyday I keep thinking about going to therapy and completeing transition and ending with SRS.

It is really hard to keep myself sane as I am going through this.

The funniest thing about this whole ordeal I have been going through is that it was manageable for me my whole life but became less managleable and the feelings got stronger and stronger everyday since I had my Vasectomy, does this make sence? It has been 19 months since my Vasectomy.

[Kimberley]

I dont think the V had anything to do with it. This is about you and your feelings and nothing else.

As I said before, I fought it and fought it and fought it through 3 major rounds of hitting the wall. Each time was worse than the previous. The last time I attempted suicide. Luckily I got the help I needed in the psychiatric community.

Today I live with it. Somedays like today are really rough and I am pretty much a basket case but I am living. I just wish the medical interventions were available 40 years ago that exist today. I would have transitioned in my late teens for sure.

Even into my early to mid thirties I didnt have the information. I would have done so then too; family or no family.

I guess I have come to a place where I still need that transition but cant afford it since I am wholly dependent financially on my spouse who is totally opposed to anything to do with this. Just try and get a job in your late 50's.

So I cry, and I cry and I cry over it. I also try to share my experiences so others dont have to go through this.

Hon, I hope you can sort this out but you really need to stick with the therapy. I cant stress that enough no matter what direction you take, it will help you find your way through it.

Sorry you are having such a rough go.

:hugs::love:
Kimmie