Moment of Truth

[Louise C]

Well, I've hit a wall. - (This is apart from the other post about my SO and the use of the forum)
I would really appreciate it if you TS girls could tell me if you see any parallels.

I had a dream at the age of about 6 or 7 of being a girl, and being chaperoned by two other older girls who did my makeup and hair. I still remember it very vividly.

I remember that my favourite clothes at 8 were my jeans bought for me by my mum, they were girls jeans.

I used to watch my mum doing her makeup.

I hated sport at school and always played with the girls if i could. My favourite toy was my Action man doll.

I was mistaken for a girl several times during childhood.

I was always crying way more than any of the boys.

I started dressing at 11 years old. Puberty was hell.

I'm not gay, love girls, always had very attractive girlfriends,
grew up liking motorbikes, rock music, fishing, and gradually pushed it to the back of my mind.

When i finally lived on my own, i started buying my own clothes, but live in a small community and never went out, en femme.

I have always harboured feelings of wanting to be a woman, but have tried to keep it in check, for the sake of my family.

I have seriously thought that it would be better if i was dead, i wouldn't have to hide anymore and my family wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I wouldn't consider suicide, but i still think the aforementioned is true.

I am feeling very down and don't know which way to turn at this moment, so I have booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow to have a quiet talk.

Am i reminding you girls of anything?

PS, MJ, you know all this already, and have been a great help.x

[rhondamichelle]

Dear Louise,

I'm glad to see that you are consulting your GP and hope they can recommend a counselor experienced in transgender issues to help you sort things out. If your family inquires as to why you're going to counselling you can always keep it general and vague like "oh, I don't know, I guess I've just been moody and depressed lately...maybe it's the holidays" or something like that. I'm sure that in time you'll find the answers you're seeking and with it the peace of mind you deserve:) And we'll always be here for support and comfort.

Hugs,

Rhonda Michelle

[MJ]

QUOTE=louise redhead;1526806
Well, I've hit a wall. I would really appreciate it if you TS girls could tell me if you see any parallels.

I had a dream at the age of about 6 or 7 of being a girl, and being chaperoned by two other older girls who did my makeup and hair. I still remember it very vividly.

i just felt different at age 5 or 6 i just knew i should have been born a girl..
my only dream i can remember is my teacher "she was nice " putting my hair in curlers and a blue dress

I remember that my favorite clothes at 8 were my jeans bought for me by my mum, they were girls jeans.

about that time i can remember playing dress up with the girls from my neighborhood that was great fun.. and they were girl jeans too

I used to watch my mum doing her makeup.

oh yes and my sisters and when there friends come over i got to watch them as well it was fun

I hated sport at school and always played with the girls if i could. My favorite toy was my Action man doll.

i also hated sports at school and at every chance if i could i would get out of playing..

I was mistaken for a girl several times during childhood.

yes i did get that from time to time but i put it down to the Beatles hair cut i had

I was always crying way more than any of the boys.

again i think at the time it was normal to be so emotional guess not

I started dressing at 11 years old. Puberty was hell.

i guess my dressing got more intense at 11 or 12 i had more time to myself and home alone plus my free days off from school normally a Friday i could dress most of the day and get my home work done. play with makeup there were times i thought i would get caught for sure it's so hard to get off Puberty was hell for me too i would pray that i would wake up a girl

I'm not gay, love girls, always had very attractive girlfriends,
grew up liking motorbikes, rock music, fishing, and gradually pushed it to the back of my mind.

well i love girls was married for 21 years 3 children 1 adopted. i grew up liking
cars , camping the great outdoors.
the thing is i knew i should have been a girl but in the 70's you just don't anything about it. not only did i pushed it to the back of my mind. i burred so very deep and hope it would go away.. we all know how well that works

When i finally lived on my own, i started buying my own clothes, but live in a small community and never went out, en femme.

i grew up in croydon, surrey. UK i had my own clothes very much in the closet

I have always harbored feelings of wanting to be a woman, but have tried to keep it in check, for the sake of my family.

as did i ... i never wanted to transition. after i had a chance to dress i felt so dirty so ashamed but it would not go away like a missile locked on to me i just could not shake it ..

I have seriously thought that it would be better if i was dead, i wouldn't have to hide anymore and my family wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I wouldn't consider suicide, but i still think the aforementioned is true.

wow many times I have seriously thought that it would be better if i was dead. after my wife found out it was all over. she outed me to everyone in the end it was good as i did not have to do it.

but transition is not as easy as one may think. after years of denial jealousy and envy to-wards the genetic woman the depression of living a lie as a guy .
now that i live full time as a woman .. society in general reject me as my true self. so for me I'm between a rock and a hard place and the best i can do is just please myself.. i am a better person because of it but along my path trust me sometimes suicide felt like the better option ... but we all know thats never the case.

i am feeling very down and don't know which way to turn at this moment, so I have booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow to have a quiet talk.

thats what i did .. but i told him the truth how i felt .. in turn he sent me to a counselor ... who in turn sent me to a gender identity therapist ... who in turn diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder . with the only cure ... a sex change ... :eek:

Am i reminding you girls of anything?

yes we are so much alike ..

PS, MJ, you know all this already, and have been a great help.x

I can only tell you how i was feeling. and how i had dealt with my issues . if they are somewhat the same as yours then you have some tough decisions to make i can't tell anyone this is for you but i can guide them to the door of knowledge they have to go through..
this is not easy for me but it was the right path. now I'm happy i did but it was a long hard road for me ...

so i do hope this helps everyone in some way ..

[StaceyJane]

Louise, I know exactly how you feel. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and it has really helped me.
I hope you can find happiness too.

[Zenith]

Talk to us anytime louise...:hugs:...unfortunately angst/sadness is part of self examination...it is common too to feel like making the hurt go away quickly...but ask yourself why the world be better off without a truly happy version of any one of us...

[Alice B]

I have a friend that went through all that you have described. I would only see him one or two times a year at a trade show. Then one year he did not show up, as he usually attended lectures I gave. The next year at the show a beautiful woman came up to our booth and caught everyones eye and rapt interest. It was my friend who finally decided to do something about it and over the period made the complete change. She has been a very happy person since, so go for it and I wish you all the luck in the world.:hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi louise...welcome to being awake..i can see by your post that you are starting to think some thoughts that could have a meaningful impact on your life...:drink:

you are asking all the right questions...i am in the process of answering them for myself...i don't hate my penis, i feel sexually aroused when I feel like a woman, i'm 6'2" yuch, i have always dated women and loved them..there are lots of reasons and excuses i've told myself over many years to convince myself that i was a crossdresser who just liked crossdressing ALOT...
i convinced myself of this because i had been told that TS women ONLY were TS is they hated their penis, and ONLY is they looked like women, and TS women are NEVER sexually aroused by it. I was also told that I could control my "fetish" using cognitive therapy!!
Another time i was told my constant wishing to be a woman was no different that a person who cannot move in a wheelchair...IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN SO ONLY BY STOPPING THIS SILLY WISH CAN YOU MOVE FORWARD!!!..:doh:

it took me 4 therapists to finally get it right...then of course my mom thought i was just "therapist shopping"....but that's simply not true...i was suffering terribly with depression and gender dyshoria..i had never told a soul about my constant 24/7 droning desire to be female, except those early therapists who just did not know ANYTHING!!!!..i brutally supressed my true feelings and make lots of friends, great job marraige kids ...the works....all these therapists making me feel worse and worse aboutmyself while i dug myself a deeper hole.....i always have tried to live an honest and achieving life...especially a positive life...this tg thing has challenged me in ways that i did not were possible...

sorry for the rant...i'm emotional, i like the dramatic, what can i tell you..but i do have a point in my pointless storytelling...it took me a long time to realize this....i spent so much of my time comparing myself to others when i just really want to be MYSELF...looking back, i think this was a big mistake for me....it's great to trade stories, but lets face it, TS,TG,TV,CD all types all kinds exist and you are going to have to get VERY serious about trusting yourself!!! everybody is going to have an opinion, think you are in this category or that everybody thinks they have the best way.....it's up to you!!! it's really that simple and the only advice is i can give you is to give yourself time to really think about what you want out of life and what you want out of being a woman....over time you will find your place and there really is no hurry!!! you can talk and talk and talk about it ...

for example have you ever read essays by Anne vitale, or annah moore...one a psychiarist and one a rock guitarist..i really identified alot with those essays and they helped me better think about what was going on in my head..if you are interested read some of it and let me know what you think

take care
michele

[Sally2005]

I have the same opinion as Micheletv. You have to do some serious thinking about what it all means to you. I parallel most of the items you listed and I took years to finally learn that the desire to CD was never going to go away, then years to accept it and I have gone through depression with CDing as one issue (usually there are a lot of stresses). I always wanted to know if it was possible to pass and I was too scared to try going out. Finally, I just decided that I didn't want to go to my death without still knowing...so I went out in the daytime. I also thought a lot about what I wanted in my life...did I want to transition? Was I unhappy about being male...no... so my simple answer is that I am a male that likes to dress sometimes... CDing is like a vacation to me. Sometimes there is a sexual drive, but not always. The question is how much do I want to integrate it in to my current lifestyle and my life is far from perfect, I kind of like both extremes so I don't desire to mix them too much and I struggle with how much to divulge to others in my life.

[TerryTerri]

Hey Louise,
I had the same talk with my GP (in my case it was the PA. a female that worked with my male doctor). I was in tears it 'hurt' so much to verbalize that I had strong feelings of wanting to BE a woman. Fortunately, simultaneously, a 3 ton weight was lifted off my shoulders and the huge bag full of stinky guilt, shame and remorse that I had been carrying was taken away. God what a relief it was to have that conversation. Anyway, she was not directly able to help me. She was not familiar with TG issues and did not know of anyone who was. But it was such a blessing to share the 'secret' with another and be accepted. She gave me a wonderful heartfelt hug (We have known each other for almost 10 years anyway) and we even talked about shoes and good places to find them. Since then, btw, my doctor has retired and I am seeing a new doctor (a female). I don't know where the PA went to practice. She's not in my town anymore. On my initial check-up with my new doctor, I brought her up to speed on my TG issue and she was accepting and without flintching volunteered to coordinate with a endoctrologist (spelling?) or counselor in monitoring my physical systems should I get in a feminizing hormone regime. As long as the subscriber and regime are legit. As I told her, that question was jumping the gun and making numerous assumptions. But, I did want to know where she stood on these issues should they progress to that point.

Now then, as for a counselor. This 'advice' is based more on being a recovering alcoholic with 25 years of sobriety than dealing with my TG issues. I start seeing a counselor for my TG issues at the beginning of next year.
Anyway, a counselor can not (and a good counselor will not) give you your answers. All a good counselor can do is give you the right questions, with the right perspective, to ask yourself so that you may figure these things out. If you wish to gain anything of value from using a counselor you MUST be as honest with the counselor as you are with yourself. In other words, don't ever lie or hide a truth from your counselor. I had alcoholism and some of the ravages that disease brings into ones life. It was hard to swallow some of the more unpleasent truths about myself, but it was necessary. I can't say if unpleasent truths are also in store for me when I start with my TG counseling. I'll find out then. But, a good counselor can be a life saver and allow you to answer questions about yourself that can set you free to wonder, awe and happiness. I think the expression (plus corillary) is; the truth will set you free, but only if you use it!

Best to you & I hope something of what I said makes sense.

Terry!

[Carole Cross]

Louise, what you have written is exactly how I have felt in mt life, apart from the girls jeans, lol.
I have always fantasised about being a girl and still have dreams today.:daydreaming:

[melissaK]

Yeah, I know the song you're singing and can join in the refrain . . .

hugs,
'lissa

[Deborah_UK]

Louise.

I hope it all went well at the docs today - although I realise it was only a first step - I'm not sure what the health services are like on the Channel Islands but I guess your GP will need to refer you on to a counsellor/psych.

Much of your story rings similar bells to those already rung throughout this thread although for me I threw myself into sports and boys things because I couldn't reconcile my body with the thoughts running through my head.

I used to go to bed at the age of 6/7 desperately praying every night that in the morning I would wake up as the girl I knew I should have been (guess that the unanswered prayers put me off religion for life!)

Its only now 40+ years later that I'm doing something about it and have been referred to the local GIC in Nottingham. RLT to start (hopefully) sometime in 2009.

:hugs:

Debs

[jessielee]

dear Louise,
sorry i haven't yet officially welcomed you to the forum but your posts of late caught my attention, especially this one. i have never posted here at TS because, as much as i would love to transition, choices were made long ago and my family is more important than fulfilling my childhood dream in common with you and MJ and others. i'm just a crossdresser though undeniably genderdysphoric. wshing to wake up all better.
your words resonated with me so deeply as did those of MJ and Sally. except i was so repressed, so required to be normal and to live up to "who i am" genetically and to my responsibilities in "polite and moral society," i didn't even have a pair of girl's jeans, let alone experimentation. as you said, i put it in the back of my mind. it didn't go away but has grown.
you have tried to be upfront and have been castigated for it. my heart goes out to you. others in recent postings have written how they came clean years ago and received approval from spouses but it evolved to distaste and restriction. i sometimes feel a great deal of criticism here for being in the closet even when i explain i do it for love, that i would never rather subvert myself than hurt another. but these experiences of spousal control and her "knowing what is right" and making sure we live up to others' rules seems to discredit the view that all of us should be transparent. cut and dry, if she can't handle who i am, all are better off if if explodes. i believe its more complex than that and especially regarding respect.
not to go on, i'm sorry. but i feel very much akin to you especially regarding early childhood identifying and dreaming and playmate preferences. boys were creeps. made me cry but then again so much else did, too. i felt an alien, beyond acceptance. my only hope was to try and blend in, be a chameleon, be "normal." fool them all.
the CD family has shared with me their acceptance, even with minor disagreements about honesty and secrecy. we are normal. perhaps we see or feel more deeply. this doesn't make us superior nor defective. we are hearts and souls and here we find solace and communion.
like you, i am not gay. and in the same way have wondered, what am i doing here, on earth, ill-suited and not fitting in? and yet, obstinately, i have faith that no Divinity made any mistakes in packaging. perhaps it is an odd sort of gift to see and feel thusly? may we be bridges of sorts? someday, if we can endure the pain. have determined like you to never seek my own destruction. but so many times, how i have yearned, even prayed to be removed, even the memory of me, in hopeless feeling blue times. a failed experiment.
i don't feel that way at the moment and i see you as splendid, full of grace and care, another stranger reaching out for home, for love.
my dear, please do not doubt yourself. such an easy thing to say. but self loathing is a state many of us have experience with. may we build each other up and grow stronger and more compassionate together!
but, please, what is the moment of truth? how did your GP session go? are you considering transitioning or only if your spouse rejects you?
i could not hope to advise you for i am so very confused myself. but i know i would never not wish my children to not be. so my fantasy of time travel to go back and do things differently is selfish and not my choice. but it is how i am driven.
without a family, at age 41, i would not hesitate to seek SRS.
but that is not my path.
i pray for wisdom and peace on yours.
we are here for you.
we can stand and share.
bless you, dear.
:hugs:
jessie

[Jessicaparkson]

What you've said sounds a lot like me actually. I prayed, begged, and cried for years to wake up, or somehow magically become, a girl. I've heard some people say that counseling isn't necessary but I'm enjoying mine. My psych is very knowledgeable and respectful.

[Louise C]

I saw the GP, and it was good.

I'm being referred to a therapist first to see if talking about it helps.

I feel more hopeful than i have in years.

Thankyou all for your support, i will never be able to express my gratitude enough..:love:

[rhondamichelle]

Louise,

I am so happy that you're feeling better:cheer:

Hugs,

Rhonda Michelle

[Deanna]

I saw the GP, and it was good.

I'm being referred to a therapist first to see if talking about it helps.

I feel more hopeful than i have in years.

Thankyou all for your support, i will never be able to express my gratitude enough..:love:

I am really happy that you consulted a professional! If you cannot reach a balance in your life then that is the very best thing to do.

I can only relate how I feel and that is I am very comfortable with Deanna in my life. It is in large part because of people like all of you on this forum. I used to think that I was abnormal until the internet came along and I realized that there are thousands of people just like myself.

One additional thought...do you think that "seasonal affective disorder" (winter blahs) might have something to do with this?

:hugs:
Dee

[morgan51]

Dear Louise i too am going through the process of accepting my tg/ts side to embrace it and nurture it are my only desires, but i do have to consider my family so i try to temper my fem side a bit at this point but have accepted the fact i will never be able to deny it. keep talking my heart goes out to you and all of us who tread this wonderful crazy path. Morgan

[Nicki B]

I am feeling very down and don't know which way to turn at this moment, so I have booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow to have a quiet talk.

Lou..

Assuming you operate under the same NHS rules as the mainland, the first thing you need is a referral from your GP to a psychiatrist, who can then refer you on to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic). I'd presume these are all in England, and the closest to you would be London (Charing Cross Hospital), or possibly Devon (Newton Abbott, 'The Laurels') - but do some googling?

If they've not come across this before, you'll need to gently nudge your GP in the right direction?

This (http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_089941) might be of use, too?

[MJ]

I saw the GP, and it was good.

I'm being referred to a therapist first to see if talking about it helps.

I feel more hopeful than i have in years.

Thankyou all for your support, i will never be able to express my gratitude enough..:love:

Thats why we are here Sis, glad it helps.