The Civil War Continues... Warning LONG post.

[AmberDay]

I apologize for the length of this post. My therapist is on vacation out west for this month. So I need to talk to somebody who I feel comfortble with. Amazing I feel this comfortable around strangers. My deepest thanks.

Ever since I started dressing at age 12, I had this internal conflict about being a male or female. Just what was I? I had no clue then and I have no clue now. I know this is corny in some aspects, but the way I explained my gender dysphoria to my therapist is there are two factions at war inside of me. To go along with this corny scenario, I call my male side The Jason Empire whom is at war with the Amber Confederation. The Empire is a faithfully married man with three living children. The Empire is responsible for male things i.e. fixing the car, hanging the pictures, mowing the grass, painting the new house, etc. While at every masculine activity, the Amber Confederation is attacking every aspect about my activities. The Amber Confederation is a lot softer, likes to do crafty things, wear pretty outfits, and talking for hours about clothes and jewelry.

Nothing just seems right anymore. It is so difficult waking up and 'acting' to be somebody that I am not. My wife calls me lazy because sometimes it takes me almost an hour just to get out of bed. The first thing I have to do is remind myself that I am a man. My early morning thoughts dwell on some parts that are missing off my body and there is something there that shouldn't be. I have to spend that whole time programing myself to be a male. This is quite embarrasing to talk about, so thank you for letting me open up. In that hour, the war wages back and forth from what I want to be that day and for what I have to be.

A couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with my dysphoria, my wife fell apart. She was wanting to know, and rightfully demanding to know what I was going to do. Her biggest fear this whole time was that I was going to get a sex change and it was becoming a reality. I did a lot of thinking about my plans. If I did proceed with transitioning I realised it would cost too much. Not only financially, but I would have lost my wife, my kids, and my job.

I knew if I continued on with transitioning I needed to do a lot of research before I determined an answer. I checked out a lot of books on sex change with regards to children/ spouses, I watched several shows off of the internet, and also read a lot of bios of people who went with the transition process. In all the accounts I read, the transition from male to female completely devasted the children. I found only one case where the children were okay and had very little problems with their father changing. All the others talked about how they felt their dad died, betrayed them, and are delt with a constant reminder of what they lost. I made a decision and told my wife. I will go on living and acting like a male. I will still wear girl clothes whenever I can and when the children are not around. I will refrain from pursing an intrest in sewing and crafts and crying openly during sad movies. (Though my wife says she doesn't mind that I cry during sad events, but she sure does tease me like hell when I do.) I will try not to move my hands around so much when I talk. I will cross my legs like a table top, not crossed over the knee. I will try to cut back on the lotions and bubble baths. I will try not to go shopping just for the thrill of it. I will be as male as I could be. Not a perfect one, but a male nonetheless.

That realization blew up into a major battle. Two days after I made this annoucement to my wife, I almost killed myself. I was going to jump off a bridge onto some train tracks. I wrote my letter and printed it out. I said goodnight to my kids one last time. I didn't have the heart to tell my wife that I was sorry and that I never loved anyone so much in my whole life, so I wrote that all in the note. I went to the front door and opened it with tears streaming down my face. The Jason Empire was going to deploy Nuclear Force to stop Amber from hurting everyone. As I stepped outside, a transformer blew right across the street, waking my wife. She came out to see what happend and saw my face and knew what I was going to do. She held me so tight and begged me not to do it. "I don't want you to die!" she sobbed and screamed holding me. I was bawling so hard I almost blacked out. I told her I couldn't live like this, I was tired of hurting everybody. My wife pointed out that if I killed myself that it would destroy my kids' life. They wouldn't have a father anymore. I got an emergency apointment the next day, and things slowly started to work out to where I could tolerate my lot in life.

Within the last couple of months, the old war has stirred right up again. I am so sick and tired of living this damn lie. I am so tired of faking everything I do, everything I say, and how I act. Last month I told my therapist about my flare up and also told him that getting a sex change won't fix anything. It may fix my inner turmoil, but it will hurt my wife, kids, and my extended family. So transitioning will never happen. I will not do that to people. Lately, I realized that maybe ending it all would be better for everybody. He pointed out that killing myself will hurt everybody that I am trying to protect. I no longer see it as suicide, I see it more as a sacrifice now. I know if I abandoned everybody I love just so I change my gender is selfish and there is no excuse to do that. But, if I sacrifice myself to protect my kids from getting made fun of and the hurt and anger they will face every time they see 'Amber', may be worth it. My parents will lose a son, but at least they won't have a fake daughter. My wife would be a widow to a man, but not an ex to a transgender. My kids my have lost a father, but they would have plenty of memories of their father as a man, not as some stange woman that picks them up every weekend.

I really don't want to do anything rash. I don't know how God will see my death. Will he see it as a suicide and banish me to hell? Or as a noble sacrifice and allow me to go to heaven and be runinted with my son who died when he was only six months old. My work offers free counseling for their employees with a health company. I do still have a little bit of sanity left and did file an apointment with them yesturday and I was seen today. I was there for only 10 minutes and I walked out on him. Almost immediately after I told him that I was having issues with my transgenderism, he pulled a book off the shelf for me to borrow. Living with Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. He then started to talk to me about 'aversion' techniques to cure/ limit my crossdressing. I asked if he had any experience with the transgendered and he said no. I thanked him and walked out. Well, you get what you pay for. I am glad I didn't tell him I was having thoughts of suicide, he probably would have had me committed! I don't want to be in a hospital.

I determined to take it one day at a time. I will not deploy 'nuclear weapons' at this time. I am not going to do anything around Christmas. That would definitely ruin every Christmas for everybody. My therapist gets back in early Jan, and I set up an apointment with him the day he gets back. The thing is though, this will never go away. I may get past this 'attack', but the war will always be raging. Amber will always fight for her right to exist, and Jason will always fight to make sure she doesn't.

Thank you so incredibly much for listening; just writing about my conflict has made me feel a little bit better. Don't worry, nothing is going to happen any time soon, if at all. God bless you all,

Amber

[Susan4]

Amber ...

You're not alone. I've been where you are. Many of us have.

Do take it one day at a time ... the battle rages .. but life can be good. It is wonderful to see you children grow, it wonderful to cry at movies, it is wonderful to have a loving relationship.

If you need to correspond with someone before your therapist returns ... feel free to send me a private note.

You are a special person
Hugs
Susan

[Alice Torn]

Amber, Thanks for pouring your pain, and heart out here. It sound s like "The War Between The States." Are you a history buff, too? My male side is! I have never had a wife, kids, and have been all alone in this cruel world, for many years, with only cats, to comfort me, and a hope in a merciful Higher Power. I can relate, as I nearly ended it all, very recently. About four times a year, or so, I have come close to putting myself in "the big sleep." A few years ago, working a graveyard security shift, I was going to go buy hard liquor, and take a jar of sleeping pills, but, at the store, opted out, at the last minute. I have been in a church, which lives by laws, and crossdressing is not Kosher! Yes, the war goes on. I don't believe an understanding God, sends anyone to an ever burning place of torment, if in extreme agony, they end this life. We sleep in the dust, until raised later, to life again, but, not an everburning hell! Enough on that. Like you said, one day ata a time. You are a courageous man. I wish we had not been born with this pull to dress up. Life would have been simpler, a bit less stressful, in some ways, but being a male, is far more stressful now, than in earlier times, emotionally, mentally, psychologically! My life has been a living hell, in that I have never had sex, been close to a real lady. My first girlfriend killed herself, in 1982. Only had one fairly close relationship, since then, in 1986. Being poor, with emotional problems, and bipolar, and cding, being sensitive, no close family anywhere, few friends, being a loner, stranger , makes life stark. You are not alone, Amber,you are a gutsy fellow, to put your family first. I wish I could have had one. Easy does it. One day, or minute at a time! Lucille

Amber, Keep writing posts on here, if you feel you need to vent. This is one of the few understanding places. I know I have written on paper, when, I felt I was going to snap, and hurt myself, and I wailed loud in my car once, when a lady I had hoped to befriend did of cancer. I wrote some long letters to her sister, too. And, exercise can help some, too. Easy does it! Lucille

[carolinoakland]

Amber, I see this a lot. We think we are weak. We are not. We have jumped through all the hoops that family, friends, and society ask's of us. And yet we think we are not strong enough to be ourselve's. the jason empire is the weak one who seeks to protect himself by getting rid of the only one who can defeat him, Amber. No matter what Jason does, he cannot defeat Amber. And that's the final battle, convincing each that they are one and the same. Jason will never stop being afraid until Amber gets to live as well.
When they do become the one person they both are, you will stop being afraid to live. Please, do not leave us. As long as we are still here, there is hope for all of us. And while hearing what other children have said of their experience, stop listening to what others have done, you have to do what is right for you. Consider this, I am a parent; and while I may not like or hate the people, things, and choices that my child makes I know in my heart that nothing will ever change the fact that she is my child and I love her. Your children will and do know that as well. I have recently started transitioning, and the thing that has surprised and shamed me, is that I didn't give my friends, family, and co workers the faith, love, and belief that I was important enough to love me no matter what I choose to do with my life. Sigh. Please, don't despair. Carol

[deja true]

I think there's a flaw in your thinking Amber!

You've been around here since 2004, your profile says, and i've not even been here a year yet. But certainly I've not gotten the impression from reading the many life stories here that every child and every wife and every friend is lost when one of us goes through transition. There are many stories of accepting and loving relationships during and through transition. Granted the family dynamic changes, but how you got the idea that all is lost and hell awaits I just don't know.

Your wife is obviously well aware of your confusion and pain, but maybe just doesn't know the depth of it or how to deal with it and you.

Your story makes it sound like your therapist ( and your choice of reading material) is only confirming your fears and playing on your deep guilt to maintain a 'status quo' life that is abhorent to you. You write as if you think of this issue as totally black and white. It is not!

The world changes every day. The people around us change. Our lives change. Everything changes. And just like in the world around us, there are a multitude of choices to be made in answering any complicated question. Not only are the choices every shade of gray between the black and white options that you see now, but there is a complete rainbow of unconsidered options, too.

I prattle a little here, dear one! I'm sorry! But consider this...suicide is a selfish response to an issue you're having problems with. It's not a selfless sacrifice.

Are you pushing those who love you away in trying to deal with this? You should embrace them and involve them instead. If they love you (which you seem to doubt...) they will want to help, and help in a way that is best for you...

[Desiree2bababe]

Amber, please don't take your life. With children, it will affect their lives forever. I know the Amber/Jason war is a tough one to handle but the turmoil will subside in time.

Just give yourself time........See a doctor about anti-depression medicine, they work.

Prayers for you......

[trisha59]

The issues going on here are way beyond my area of expertise, but from, shall I say, a bystanders point of view. A transformer blowing up as you are leaving your house for perhaps the last time. Wow. It seems like there is some sort of plan in place for you. I'm usually firmly planted in the doubting Thomas's camp but sometimes there are events that happen that cannot be explained.

[AmandaM]

Amber, I've been there too. I am what you call a TV with TS tendencies. I may very well be a TS. I wish I was a woman everyday and get jealous and depressed everytime I go out in public around women. It sucks. In my life, I went into hyper-masculine mode to try to circumvent it. I joined the military, took martial arts, became a cop, a biker, got tattoos, did drugs, committed acts of violence that could have given me multiple years in jail, used women for only sex, I was a real jerk. Yet, the feelings never went away. This only became self-destructive. So I decided to lay off the bad stuff.

Once I decided not to be a jerk, I got depressed and fat. I think this was because I wasn't dealing with it constructively. I wasn't dealing with it at all. Just stewing on my feelings. This I think is what you are doing. Then about 8 months ago, I decided it's not worth it. The bad feelings that is. Not life. Y'see, suicide is the most selfish act you can commit (I did think about it). It harms your family for the rest of their lives, forever, while you get a break. There was a study once of people who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge (?). Fully, two thirds said that halfway down they decided their problems weren't that bad.

Now, for the last 8 months, I have decided to handle things more constructively. For instance, I now admit to myself that I might be TS. I can admit it and accept it. I don't have to have a sex change or give up my life based on internal feelings. Just cause I might be TS, doesn't mean a switch turns on that says I have to do stuff that is expected of TS's. But, there are some things I can do to help my self-acceptance and promote internal calmness, and I'm doing them. I was mostly passable when I was skinny. So, I'm losing weight and laying off the weight-lifting. I'm doing a lot of cardio to stay healthy. I am eating better. I am also redoing my wardrobe. I deserve nice clothes. I deserve better jewelry. I deserve the ability to look like a woman and enjoy it. And your wife will support you in this since she wants you to live. She loves you.

To get into this mindset I had to learn to accept my crossdressing. The person on this site who helped me the most is our resident princess hockey-player. She doesn't care! And she still plays hockey. I said to myself, "I want to be like her". She loves and accepts herself. This is a learned skill for me, and you can learn it to. So, take positive steps, go for walks, look at the clouds and trees, ask yourself if you really want to leave life. Ask yourself if you really want to be unhappy. You can be happy! But, it'll take work. It's not free. Do what I'm doing. Take steps to increase your happiness, and you will find that it works. Be patient. Just cause you may be gender dysphoric, doesn't mean your life has to change negatively. It's not a friggin' death sentence like you have terminal cancer or something. Cool your jets. Learn to accept it. You war inside like many of us here. At least if you're going to war inside, try to move it to a Cold War. I've done it, and I've made some treaties along the way, no peace treaty yet, but we have a more cordial relationship. :)

[CD_DIANE]

Hi Amber,

I read your post this morning, and was trying to find the right words to say. Fortunately, Amanda found them for me ! There are many people on this forum who can be an inspiration because they have "been there, felt that" and are very helpful. Just remember, God don't make no junk.

Diane

[tommi]

Openly talking for those of us in therapy I think we know how much airing it
out helps.Like you with wife and child that I love dearly harming ourselves
does no good. Goodluck and please don't do anything to hurt yourself that
would be the worst thing to do to your family.

[AmberDay]

Thank you everyone for your support. I know that I am not alone, but I sure feel like it sometimes. I need to find some type of balance in my life, that much I do know. It means a lot to me that complete strangers have taken time out of their day just to send me messages and posts of encouragement. You all are angels.

Much love,

Amber

[sterling12]

We should be charging you a hundred bucks an hour, our advise is at least as valuable as any other "professionals'." By the way, what happens if you have a crisis? Did your Shrink leave you the opportunity to get hold of someone if that happened?

Here's an idea. Let's accept that within you resides two persona's. (I often feel that way myself.) The only difference I see, is that both of my persona's get along. Joanie only gets cranky if she doesn't get some time "out of the box." She's not that demanding, but wants fair treatment.

Maybe your "Civil War" is occurring because each of you hasn't given yourselves permission to "like" one another. Instead of focusing on "The War," why not think about the positive things that each persona brings to your whole person. Self-acceptance of the both of you, as you are.....that's the key to gaining some coping skills.

You don't need us, or that Therapist to tell you this. You already know it! So, just do it. Think of all the money you will save!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[deja true]

$100 an hour? Is that all? And we gotta split it how many ways?

Damn right, Joanie! One day's concentrated reading here sums up what most therapists have taken years to find out!

Amber, in no way should you ever think that any therapist has all the answers...or even the right questions. That goon that gave you a freekin' book on OCD needs a visit from some of our linebacker-sized ladies for a little therapy of his own. You were right to walk out on him. You were wrong to say thank you! :D

I'm not sayin' that everybody here has the right answers for you, but there are centuries of therapy and counselling advice represented here. And centuries more of common sense and some of those other options that I mentioned earlier. Check out AmandaM's and Joanie's posts for example...

Stick with us, hun, and when your regular therapist comes back from vacation, tell him everything you told us and show him this thread!

Oh, and if I were you, I'd tell your company that that other "therapist" guy is a menace!

[DonnaT]

Sorry to hear you are having such inner turmoil, Amber.

Note, however, that Death should not be an option, but at the very least it should be the very last option. And actually is.

One should try ALL other options first.

Choosing suicide robs your family of a chance to get to know Amber. Robs them of the chance, if not accepting now, maybe learning to accept in the future. You have no way of knowing now whether they will come around in the future. But you should give them that opportunity.

You don't know your kids will be made fun of, or be angry or hurt. There are a number trans fathers who get along famously with their children. Especially if they have been very good fathers.

There are a number of wives who get along famously with their transitioned partner, or even ex partner.

There are way too many possible good outcomes to let the possible bad ones sway your judgement.

And even if one assumes the worst, moving away and being alive still provides you with opportunities to support your family financially.

Your death would leave nothing but heartache, or worse.

What could be worse? One of your kids becoming depressed and getting addicted to drugs or committing suicide because of your death.

Suicide happened with a cousin of mine when his mother died. Suicide makes no sense, so trying to make sense of his suicide is impossible.

There are a lot more reasons to live than there are to die, and if transitioning results in your continuing to live, then that should be a choice long before suicide is.

[AmandaM]

<<I really don't want to do anything rash. I don't know how God will see my death. Will he see it as a suicide and banish me to hell? Or as a noble sacrifice and allow me to go to heaven and be runinted with my son who died when he was only six months old. >>

Oh, just one more thought. Because I am Xian, I did not seriously contemplate suicide. I might have, if I was athiest. Since you sound like a Xian, I'll give you that viewpoint. You can't commit suicide and go to heaven. That means you'll never see your six month old son again. He is a man in heaven now, waiting for you. But you have to do it on God's time, not yours. This is harsh, but not harsher than life. You can get through this. If you need help, there's always talkin' to God. But like I said before, cool your jets, no need to think you have to make some sort of decision or take some action in the short-term. Baby steps.

[ReineD]

Dear Amber,

Our issues are not the same, but I have felt the same degree of inner desperation as you these last few months. Not all the time, but when it comes up it suffocates.
I won't add to everything else that has been posted, except to share resources that have helped me.

If You Are Thinking About It, Read This First (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/)

Help Lines (http://www.suicide.org/#if-suicidal)
:love:

[happy2cd]

Amber,

It sucks to be us sometimes, but it is also great to be us and to able to explore all sides of things.

You have done a lot of great things. You have a wife and kids who love YOU (all of YOU). Count your blessings.

We all accept you as you are, I hope that you will accept yourself as well.

Hang in there!

[PortiaHoney]

Oh boy (girl).

My dearest Amber.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. All of this inner conflict. How diametrically opposed are male and female - the Ying and the Yang. You are experiencing the same thing that many of us do. It's like trying to bring the two ends of a magnet together to become one. Especially as you
are trying to live two lives that can never exist cohesively as one without some major concessions. Society dictates that a person is EITHER male or female.

The lucky ones are the ones who have come to accept who they are fully and not give a damn about the thoughts of the rest of the world. They are the North and the South, the East and the West. Many here live their lives as the opposing sex to that which they were born and take on that role. Many are content to live as male and spend part of their time presenting as female. Some blend the two to reach a compromise. Others just keep the two opposing camps in two seperate compartments - never to co-exist.

Years ago I also went through the war your are experiencing. I had spent many years trying to compromise and find a solution to this dilemma. When I tried to end the war (YKWIM) I ended up hospitalised. I too encountered therapists who didn't have a clue. I gave up on therapists when my "doctor" fell asleep while I was pouring out my heart to him. I never thought I was that boring. From that point on, I actually realised there was a point to living. My kids, my parents, my sister, my neice, my ex, my friends - no-one ever benefits from our ending the "war". You can destroy the lives of those you love by going through with this train of thought.

So. What are the "other" options. I know you, like me, have thought them through many, many times. You just have to find the solution that works for you today. Tomorrow, it may take a different approach. The next, yet another. But most of all - NEVER take the option to end the war. There will be no victors - only losers - the biggest being yourself. There is no replacement for life. Not even the best minds in the country can create that from nothing.

Please don't throw it away. I do know how painful living can be. Reading your post, I thought you had been reading MY diary. I also know now that death is not an option. It is a fullstop.




I don't care what religious pursuasion anyone is, there is no-one in the world who can say for sure that there is something after life stops, besides creating a job for the maggots and worms. No-one has PROVED there is an afterlife - of course many believe. Why would you take THAT gamble? I believe that there is a heaven, I cannot prove there is a heaven. So if you do throw away the gift of life - what becomes of the memories of you for those you leave behind and profess to love. It is NOT the same as losing a loved one to an accident or illness, a natural death. You justify your thoughts of suicide by saying that the memories of you as you are are better options than those that you would leave behind should you change who you are. This is delusional reasoning. The only people who can justify the reasoning behind suicide is to themselves - absolutely no-one evers says - "Oh, I can see why he/she did that!" or "Oh, my life is so much better now that ......... killed themselves".

I say, accept that you are in a bad place right now. Accept that you cannot stay in this place. Accept that you need to explore where you want to be. Accept that you may not find a place that can provide all the answers. Accept that you need to find how many of your questions need to be answered for you you be able to function as a normal human being and be loved. I am sure your family love you. I am also sure that your children will eventually be able to accept who you are as well. I know it will be difficult. It is never easy to buck the system. It is never easy to be honest about who we are. It is never easy to accept that not everyone will be understanding, ESPECIALLY when we have be covering up for so long in order to fit in that we never actually noticed how much biggotry and intollerance exists. It's so much easier to cover up our feelings than to be the target.

Many here have spoken of how much acceptance and tolerance they have found when coming clean about their own pursuasion (I don't like calling it a condition - sounds too medical to me). I am myself only coming to the acceptance of who I am - 40 years of journey and I'm still discovering who I am and where I want to be. Little by little I am also in the process of "exposing" myself to the outside world. Yes, it has cost me my marriage - but we are still friends. My boys are a little insensitive with their comments sometimes, but I know they still love me. I have never been the person that people look at when I walk into a room, but I notice people looking at me now. I have also noticed how people lean into each other and start talking in low voices to.

Am I comfortable with that - no. Can I live with that, heck yeh. The sun comes up tomorrow and I am learning to accept who I am. At the end of the day - I live with myself, I need to be accepting of who I am. I am learning to become friends with the person in the mirror. I am the only person who can live my life.

Most of all, I hope to be able to help others who may be desparing. You are not alone. It's just a matter of finding others who share similar experiences. That is why we come here. To laugh, to cry, to share. To realise we are not alone. But most of all - we come here to learn.

If anyone wants to just have a chat, please PM me. As you can see I love to talk. Now I will just hop off this soapbox. Is there a limit to replies?

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Portia

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Amber,

I sent you a PM to read. My S/O and I hope that you hang in there. There are so many really good people here that will offer whatever you need to get you through one day at a time.

*much hugs of support*

Lady Zarabeth

[AKKaren]

Dearest Amber;
I can relate to your situation ....I too have gone to the brink several times in the past, looked over and decided to keep trying to find a balance in my life. What I want to say is learn to love yourself...all facets of your soul. Its the only way I have found to find a bit of peace.
Warm Hugs to you, sister

[AmberDay]

Another thanks to everyone. I've tried explaining things over with the wife, and got mixed results. She is pissed that I am even having a conflict again, but admits that I haven't had any time to really dress. Out of respect for her, I don't dress around her; and I never dressed around the kids (except when they were babies). She works from home 100% of the time and she is always home. She only goes anywhere when I am at work. So I have zero time to be normal. She does let me sleep in gowns a couple of times a month, and I am allowed to wear panties 90% of the time. It is nice, but it isn't about the clothes. It is about being me. She will not allow me to go out of the house dressed. I told her I can't promise anything, but I won't do it anytime soon. This morning I asked if I can go to a support group in Cincinnatti, and that set her off. She doesn't want anybody to see me dressed; including crossdressers. I can attend only in drab. Well that talk backfired, lol. To her I am making a big deal out of nothing. She can't give me a reason why even other transgendered can's see me; she admits she can't explain. I backed off from talking to her about my feelings for now; I'll try a different approach in the next couple of days.

Thanks for standing by me!

Amber

[Laura_Stephens]

Amber, I wish I had some wise words for you, butI am still working on accepting myself and, from time to time, getting past very destructive thoughts.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Nicki B]

Lately, I realized that maybe ending it all would be better for everybody.

'Ending it' is better for nobody. It prompts misery, depression, all rippling outwards and very often a domino effect of further suicides, with your children as strong candidates.

A trans friend of mine killed herself in May - the guilt, anger and pain of that is still hard for me to live with.

And I wasn't one of those who had to deal with clearing up the mess after she'd stepped under a train (she'd been a railway engineer) - I'm told, by someone who's had to deal with similar, that all that's left is like mince.

The people who have to deal with the aftermath are permanently damaged, too.

[DonnaT]

You sound a little better, Amber.

I suggest putting a change of clothes in the car, and changing at the Cincinnatti meeting.

It may be dishonest, but if helps you mentally, the choice seems pretty clear. I worry you'd go to the meeting in drab and get dispondent again on the drive home.

[TxKimberly]

Wow,

What do you say to someone in such a position? What do you say that might help, and wont make things worse? I fear I have a tendency to be blunt, especially when we are talking about things of such significance, so please excuse me for not sugar coating my words. I have been told once or twice that I have "an abrasive personality". lol

Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is the easy way out for you, not for your family. It gets you out of what you feel is a bad spot, it ends your discomfort and pain. What it does to your family is called abandonment.
You abandon your wife and children to struggle through life with out your help, support, and love.
You abandon your wife to support your children.
You abandon your children to grow up with out you.
Not only that, but you give each of them the "gift" of thinking it was their fault.
"Maybe he wouldn't have done it if I had loved him more, if I had done this, if I had been that . . ."
If you REALLY care about your family, and honestly put their welfare above and ahead of your own, you will not take that option.

Life and history are full of examples of people that endure their hardships.
Men and women walked clear across the United States a hundred years ago to make lives for themselves. Can you imagine the hardships they endured?
Soldiers back through time immeasurable left their homes, wives, children, and endured incredible mental and physical hardships to do what they thought was right.
There are children and adults living with horrible illness and injury who endure their handicaps and live fulfilling lives.
There are sick people that wish to be well, injured that wish to be whole, dwarfs who wish to be tall, obese people who wish to be skinny, countless other analogies. And then there are people like us, where we feel we were born the wrong gender. Our burden is no greater than those I mentioned above. If they can endure, so can we and so can you. :)

[Genifer Teal]

That realization blew up into a major battle. Two days after I made this annoucement to my wife, I almost killed myself. . . . I went to the front door and opened it with tears streaming down my face. . . . As I stepped outside, a transformer blew right across the street, waking my wife. She came out to see what happend and saw my face and knew what I was going to do. She held me so tight and begged me not to do it. "I don't want you to die!" she sobbed and screamed holding me. . . . I really don't want to do anything rash. I don't know how God will see my death. Amber


Sorry to hear about your situation. I believe in karma and other non visible forces which affect our daily lives. That transformer did not blow by accident. That is God sending you a message. Your wife was woken to deliver that message in a stronger way than he could have. When your wife said not to do it, she is in a sense saying - we can work this out. Yet now she seems unwililng to compromise.

Your family is who you need to talk to the most. Perhaps they could learn from attending counseling with you. Your gender issues have nearly brought you to commit suicide yet your wife still feels you are making a big deal out of nothing. You need to show it it is not nothing. She needs to decide which is bigger, her fears of your dressing or her fears of loosing you all together? It would seem she answered that when she stopped you at the door. Now she needs to show it and support your needs.

A better understanding of gender issues - yours and in general - could help both of you. I hope she allows that to happen.

Gen

[AmandaM]

Do what I do when everyone is home, I go to the bedroom for "reading time". I have a TV there, etc. The kids know don't bother dad during his quiet time reading. Oh, and lock the door! Seriously, your wife needs to give you a time to "vent".

[Nicki B]

It may be dishonest, but if helps you mentally, the choice seems pretty clear. I worry you'd go to the meeting in drab and get dispondent again on the drive home.

I think dressing is certainly one way of reducing the dysphoric feelings and reducing the pressure on oneself - it should certainly be considered as a survival mechanism?

And shouldn't you be actively seeking ways to survive? Don't let the depression win.

[paulaN]

Please take things one day at a time. Also that transformer blowing up happened for a reason. You may not know what that reason is yet. That's why you have to take things one day at a time. It gives you the time to find the reasons for your feelings. I wish you the very best. And I hope you make wise choices.

[bimini1]

I think you need some itme to explore it. To really dress more. I felt the same way you do when I had no time or chances to dress. Felt like I was suffocating in some fakeness or living a lie.
Once I was able to dress alot and explore it I became much more comfy and balanced in my male self too and realized that transitioning and living as a female is not for me. Took alot of the pressure off just my two cents.