Why should this be so important?

[Aurora27]

So I'm reasonably sure I more or less identify as a transexual. Its not SO much that I feel uncomfortable in my body, but I find myself constantly frustrated that I am unable to wear the clothes I want or express my true self because of my male body. I guess its been stewing away for a while and it finally unleashed itself on me (on my wedding day of all days...) so the last 2 weeks have been torture as I struggle to find ways to deal with it. I talk to my wife about everything so she knows but it was pretty upsetting for her, which makes me miserable because I feel so utterly selfish in desiring a more feminine appearance.

So I'm wondering what madness has beset me that I would consider ruining a marriage with one of the most amazing women I know, who I absolutely love? In a meaning of life way, why should I feel it is so important for me to one day present as a woman, and why should I feel that clock ticking each time I realise I have more chest hair than I used to?

I guess I am curious as to what a few of you have gone through mentally. And if any of you have ruined relationships marriages for the sake of gender identity was it ultimately worth it?

[michelle2b]

Congrats on your wedding!

I have been through similar situations and feelings. I actually look like a girl, except for the shadow of facial hair for which I use makeup. And I am only attracted to women, which complicates things.

Because I have not been out at work, I have to pretend to be a guy. It is so frustrating to see the women around me wear the kind of stuff in which I would look great, in most cases better than they do. The women at work hang out in their own groups and talk about things that I actually know more about. I want to talk with them about the same topics, but neither do they let me into their cliques nor do I have the courage to come out to them. I used to keep my hair very short and leave my beard shadow on, to look like a guy. Now I don't care much, but I am not out at work yet.

Regarding relationships, I have given up on the idea of going after women who have a mythical "perfect man" in their mind. It is not that I am resigned to my fate or anything like that. My point is that they don't deserve to have me in their life. :) I know this sounds condescending, but please let me explain. They are not smart enough to dig into the myths of society (eg. Plato's noble-lies) or caring enough to understand me. They are being selfish and they just want their dream life to come true without any regard to my own. If both sides are willing to sacrifice to come together, I am open to sacrificing a lot, but an absolute belief in a "perfect man" or anything else totally turns me off and I have no belief in a "perfect woman" either. When I say I am open to sacrificing, I am not saying that I will give up being myself, I am saying that I will avoid doing things that offend her and which are not necessary to be myself.

Of course, not all women will be compatible with me. Everyone has their own lives to live and I won't judge them. So I am not worried about rejections. I remember how devastated I used to be when my relationships used to end, especially during my teens and early 20s. I used to think, "She was so perfect, I will never find someone like her again". However, I have realized that it just isn't true. I have met better women, smarter women, and more caring women over the years. For every woman who was wrong for me, I met many more who are right for me.

For the last few years, I have been more open when I date women. I tell them right away that I am transgender (in most cases, I need to explain what it means, and in most of the rest of the cases they only misinterpret what it means). And I am openly lesbian. I hang out with lesbians and bisexual women and many of them don't even know I am trans. They ask me out, and sometimes I ask them out too. This seems more meaningful to me at present. I hope to have a long-term relationship with one of them.

After several years of fighting the battle of trying to impress women by being who I am not, I am now a lot happier with letting the women who love the real me to be with me. I do not fall head over heels for any woman now. I need to feel the intellectual and emotional connection with them, and that requires complete honesty on both sides about everything. I also go out as a guy sometimes, and I never pretend to be anyone I am not. I never attract any women who would think of me as someone I am not.

I realized that if you are transgender you cannot really change it. Either women accept me the way I am, or they can find someone else. It is better to break up on the first date than to break up after years of a dissatisfied and frustrated marriage based on lies about myself.

The same may not apply to your situation. The above is just my perspective. :2c:

[Aurora27]

I realized that if you are transgender you cannot really change it. Either women accept me the way I am, or they can find someone else.

I tend to agree, but true to my nature I have only figured this out AFTER a 5 year relationship and marriage. I'm pretty well stuck as a guy. I just hope I can find some way of being happy in that.

[Linda Z]

I tend to agree, but true to my nature I have only figured this out AFTER a 5 year relationship and marriage. I'm pretty well stuck as a guy. I just hope I can find some way of being happy in that.

after 24 years with the same woman, i can say it is a dance. we both have grow and changed, but both are honest and are our own people.
Who happen to work things out and get over problems.
Good luck with your girl!

Linda Z

[Kaitlyn Michele]

get smart on things...
i've posted these names before...look at their essays

Dr Anne Vitale
Dr Maureen Osborne

the world is set up against us in every way. you are NOT STUCK....on the other hand, there is a big difference between having thoughts about it that you need to express and "knowing" on the inside that you are woman..only you can figure that part out..i'm not sure you are even saying you think about being ts...but

if you are the latter, you may find that you are going to need help to get through this no matter what you decide


i spent 40 yrs wishing and hoping that i was just a guy that constantly wished and thought about being a woman..finally it kinda overwhelmed me when i realized that i was basically living a huge lie that was crushing me on the inside..i had this thought...NO ONE (not even me!!) WAS ACTUALLY LIVING MY LIFE!!....at that point, all my defenses dropped and the jig was up on the guy inhabiting my body!!

my wife had already divorced me over this so now i'm starting my second life...day by day, and although i feel very upset and depressed about stuff...its more about feeling sorry for myself and my family and wishing i was normal..wah wah wah it's not fair!!!... then i get over that feeling and realize how lucky i am that in 2008, somebody like me can actually live a fulfilling and whole life

[Jessicaparkson]

If you haven't read Dr.Vitale or Dr. Osbourne's essays or thoughts you need to. It is unfortunate that a lot of people are completely unwilling to let us live our lives as we wish but such is our world. As for you and your wife, you should definitely both seek counseling, it does help.

As for me, I had a choice. My fiance was horrified when I told her and gave me an ultimatum. I could either have her, or I could transition. But along with the "have her" part I had to agree to completely "forget" the entire idea, abandon all my friends in the community, and never speak of it again. She also wanted me to get a more "masculine" job (I'm a toy store sales and server admin). I spent months of sleepless nights trying to figure out a compromise. When I finally talked to her about it she was completely unwilling to let me do anything at all. So then I had to make my choice. I've been called greedy and a horrible person for my choice but I simply could not stand the thought of adhering to her demands. I pray you won't have to make that decision hun.

At work I'm not out so I get to enjoy acting "masculine" and being unable to talk with the other girls there, as I'm expected to be with my male co-workers. It's hard but I just keep in mind that someday it will end and I can fully be me.

[Carole Cross]

i spent 40 yrs wishing and hoping that i was just a guy that constantly wished and thought about being a woman..finally it kinda overwhelmed me when i realized that i was basically living a huge lie that was crushing me on the inside..i had this thought...NO ONE (not even me!!) WAS ACTUALLY LIVING MY LIFE!!....at that point, all my defenses dropped and the jig was up on the guy inhabiting my body!!


I have felt the same way until yesterday. I can't live the lie any longer.

[Aurora27]

NO ONE (not even me!!) WAS ACTUALLY LIVING MY LIFE!!....

Pretty much how I feel as well. Thanks for those articles they were completely self-affirming. I'd love nothing more than to tell everyone I know - throw down my defiance upon 'society' and transition, but on the flip side I have promised this amazing woman I would love her and make her happy her whole life and there is this crushing weight of responsibility.


I had a choice. My fiance was horrified when I told her and gave me an ultimatum. I could either have her, or I could transition...I pray you won't have to make that decision hun.

That I will always love her I have no doubt - I always felt rather lesbian - but I don't think she will love me for dragging her through a transition alongside me. She has enough issues with trying to explain to people why I wear nail polish (as apparently most people are afraid to ask me directly). I don't think she is narrow-minded, she has shown an amazing acceptance of me so far - she even gave me one of her skirts the other day to try and cheer me up, even if seeing me in it makes her uncomfortable - and I think she could eventually come round but its having to deal with the comments from other people she won't be able to handle. She loves me a lot and probably doesn't want to see me change in any way. As it is I am different enough and she tires of explaining my actions/appearances to people who think I am abnormal.

I always assumed one day I would break her heart (or at the least drift apart), but love blindness causes me to forget that most of the time. I just always thought it would be later in life but recent events (wedding included) are pushing me down the transition road faster than I anticipated. I live by gut instinct and its telling me the time to begin is soon.

I'm don't necessarily feel I am a 'woman' on the inside, as the label woman brings with it as many stereotypes as does 'man', but this identity that is manifesting itself ever stronger within me - Aurora - would be considered by most people to be a woman in the way it appears, dresses and acts. If that makes any sense. So anyway I'm making the appointment to try and get into some therapy but I'm reasonably sure it will end in transition (or some manner of androgyny) not acceptance of male life.

Also apologies if this thread was a bit redundant, I realised even as I wrote it I was spouting pretty cliche nonsensical stuff but I had to start somewhere and usually saying a bunch of unformed disconnected thoughts is a way of figuring out what I really want to say.

[morgan51]

I can relate to not livong my life soon i will be though and i am leaning to it with glee.


too long in the closet. I came out to my besy friend this past week and nobody died so I am discovering it is possible. Morgan

[Melissa A.]

i spent 40 yrs wishing and hoping that i was just a guy that constantly wished and thought about being a woman..finally it kinda overwhelmed me when i realized that i was basically living a huge lie that was crushing me on the inside..i had this thought...NO ONE (not even me!!) WAS ACTUALLY LIVING MY LIFE!!....at that point, all my defenses dropped and the jig was up on the guy inhabiting my body!!



My life has paralelled michele's in alot of ways, at least in what she is talking about here.
As a writer I like wrote once(about a totally different subject), "Just look around. it's a g*ddamn guilt factory". Choices are made based on guilt, fear, anxiety, and the desperate desire to be normal and just like our peers. And yes, love. there is this notion that love will cure everything: If only I find true love, I'll put all this silliness away, and be happy. Then we find out love can wane, or the day to day mundaness of life brings us right back to where we were at the begining: Alone, with ourselves. And if our desperate choices(sometimes made sub-consiously, sometimes not) have boxed us into an impossible situation, there's more guilt, fear, and anxiety. And resentment. If all of this sounds really deppressing, there's some good news: It's not your fault. Don't get me wrong. We're all responsible for the choices we make. But our's is not an average condition. It's physical, but by all apperances, seems like a psychological one, to the world, and to us. How many of us didnt ask as a kid or a teen, "what the hell is wrong with me? why can't I be like everyone else?" So the natural impulse is to try. Really hard, in most cases. Acceptance requires maturity, and unfortunately, maturity, except in a few rare cases, requires experience. And hurt. And pain. Then we reach that level of maturity, try to break free, be who we are, and the world tells us, "you're being selfish". Well just who the hell am I most responsible for?? you, or me? How much good am I to anyone like this? Stuff happens. When you're trans, ALOT of stuff usually happens. When you learn to give yourself a break, look at the guilt, and see it for what it really is, is when the road to recovery starts, whatever you decide to do about it.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[MJ]

I guess I am curious as to what a few of you have gone through mentally. And if any of you have ruined relationships marriages for the sake of gender identity was it ultimately worth it?

i was the same way as you. but for years i tried to hide and ignore my true feelings.
the problem is you just can't run from yourself.
i lost the one i truly loved of 21 years because of it...

and for the sake of gender identity was it ultimately worth it ???

i just don't know how to answer that ..
living full time is not easy but being trans is who i am ...