All I want for Christmas

[raanan]

All I want is for my wife to understand or let me go.......:sad::sad::sad:

[Karren H]

Good luck with the first part of that present!! As far as part 2... Obviously if you want to leave and don't love her enough to stay then why do you need her approval to leave?

[raanan]

I'm scared. We have been together for 20 years. I love her with all my heart. We have two beautiful children that are now grown. I just don't know if I can do it on my own. She has been there for me through all the tough times in my life. She was very loving when I was shot in Iraq and took such great care of me. When I told her about my gender ID problem she was very mad and asked me if I was gay, and just how long had I been this way. I told her all my life, I had just been hiding it. She hasn't wanted to talk to me in a few days. I am very sad and mad at myself for even telling her.

[debbeelee1]

I hope she comes around for you, just small steps at a time.

[Karren H]

I'm scared. We have been together for 20 years. I love her with all my heart. We have two beautiful children that are now grown. I just don't know if I can do it on my own. She has been there for me through all the tough times in my life. She was very loving when I was shot in Iraq and took such great care of me. When I told her about my gender ID problem she was very mad and asked me if I was gay, and just how long had I been this way. I told her all my life, I had just been hiding it. She hasn't wanted to talk to me in a few days. I am very sad and mad at myself for even telling her.

That is a tough one for sure and I'm truely sorry... It's always been wife and family first and anything concerning me comes after that.... and it will always be that way for me....

[mklinden2010]

I'm scared. We have been together for 20 years. I love her with all my heart. We have two beautiful children that are now grown. I just don't know if I can do it on my own. She has been there for me through all the tough times in my life. She was very loving when I was shot in Iraq and took such great care of me. When I told her about my gender ID problem she was very mad and asked me if I was gay, and just how long had I been this way. I told her all my life, I had just been hiding it. She hasn't wanted to talk to me in a few days. I am very sad and mad at myself for even telling her.


She's probably upset about what she didn't know about.

But, there you are... You'll wind up being the same person all along - as it turns out - only she didn't know this thing about you - that you were dealing with... Nobody likes getting left out of the loop, or, being surprised with a new task they didn't expect.

Very understandable, being upset. And, you'll wind up having to cover all possible scenarios before life gets back to normal.

Meanwhile, be normal... Whistle past the graveyard, keep your chin up, comment on the weather to get an exchange going.

Twenty years... You'll be OK if you just keep coming back to normal things:

"Yes, I thought it was for the best then. Just thought I should mention it now... Just been on my mind more lately... Don't know why... Can you think of any reasons why I might bring it up now? I feel the same about you and being with you, with someone special... Maybe I miss having the kids around so much? Maybe it's just getting over yet another hill in life? I don't know everything about this, you know. But, I'd like to talk about it... Just seems the right thing to do now... To talk."

That might be something for you to think about. You're the same person, indeed... But, why now, do you think?

Things change, people change - perfectly normal to have to adapt to change - even if it is a bit of a bother. And, keep in mind that change can be a GOOD thing...

Good luck and good living.

[Daintre]

Hi Raanan, after reading your second post I was wondering what you meant by Gender ID ? Are you a crossdresser or an MtoF tansgender ? It matters in what replies are relevant to you and your SO's situation.

[MJ]

raanan,
I'm truly sorry to hear this my heart goes out to you but are you a cross dresser or a transsexual ?

[charlie]

Hello Raanan!
Give the poor lady a chance. After 20 years she has just heard about a part of you she did not know existed. Turn the table around. Would you be all friendly and instantly supportive if she had been doing something that was viewed by society as a degenerate thing? If it brought you to wondering if you even knew your partner? If the thi9ng she told you turned you greatly off? You have lots of talking to do. You also must try and get her to read some of what is written on this forum. Then you must try and set boundaries. Good Luck!

[docrobbysherry]

THERAPY! ( For u).

THERAPY! ( For her).

THERAPY! ( For both of u as a couple).

Been there done that! Therapy ALMOST saved my marriage, but DID help us BOTH move on with our lives!:)

[Di]

How long has she known? You had 20 yrs to feel comfortable enough to admit it to someone................I am sure she feels lied to and betrayed please give her a chance to wrap her brain around this. Answer her questions truthfully and talk and talk some more but go at her pace. Reasure her you love her and you are the same person she has always loved. That you kept it from her for fear of losing her.
She needs to trust you again and get over the hurt of feeling betrayed.As charlie has said:D
Give the poor lady a chance.

[Sheila]

Not telling/lies and hiding things from a GG's POV (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90231&page=2)


You might find that link helpful . 20 years of lies will not be got over in a week or so, give both your wife and yourself time to come to terms with things, give her love and reassurance that your love for her has not changed and whatever you do from here on in do not lie .... If you don't know the answer to any questions she asks tewll her that ... many of the GG's here are willing to talk to your wife on msn or Yahoo if needs be I am one ........ just PM any of us to ask :hugs:

[Sandra]

Hun give her a chance, do your really expect her to be all over you?

She will be feeling all kinds of emotions like betrayal, and trust and a few more. This is not something that is going to get better over night, it could and does take months and years.

[raanan]

I am a crossdresser. I guess what I met by gender ID was that all my life I have felt very fem. In 20 years I have never told anyone or let anyone see me. You see for the last 20 years I have served in the Army Rangers for 4 years then the next sixteen Special Forces. So, I have had to play the role of being very manly. I have had to hide inside myself, when I told my wife it wasn't just something I blurted out over dinner. I sat her down and tried to tell her how and when it all started as a young boy.
I feel I have really screwed up. I just thought she might understand. I told her this was something that I wished to keep inside the house. That I didn't want to share with the rest of the world, just her. She played the role 'what am I not sexy enough dressed up'. That was it she hasn't talked to me since.
Then I found this forum, people like me. I'm very happy to have met and read your feed back, thank you all so very much.

[Sandra]

You have to try to understand how she is feeling right now, mostly likely that she's on her own with this, and the man she's known for 20 years has told her something that, she's probably never even thought of, and also feeling that you didn't trust her enough to tell her sooner.

Try to get the lines of communication going, and if she's willing to talk, then tell her everything and be as honest as you can. It's not going to be easy for either of you but if you dont' try and sort it then it will just fester. Tell her about this site and that there is a section here just for wives/partners, where we support and advise each other.

[sometimes_miss]

THERAPY! ( For u).

THERAPY! ( For her).

THERAPY! ( For both of u as a couple).

Been there done that! Therapy ALMOST saved my marriage, but DID help us BOTH move on with our lives!:)

Not always. It started us on a road to the end. Therapist got my ex started in 'enabler' groups, where she decided only people who are in the group can understand her. She also decided that EVERYONE should be in therapy of some sort. After a year, she wouldn't talk to anyone who wasn't in one of her groups. She had a meeting six nights a week, various groups. Her adult child of alcoholics group told her that I was a 'dry' alcholic because I didn't drink (I never drank). Co dependents anonymous told her that I was manipulating her into letting me CD. She became increasingly paranoid. By the end, even the therapist didn't know what to do; she called me and told me that if I didn't do 'something', my marriage was going to be over. Ex then set up a 'catch 22'; When we suggested she might be overdoing it with all the meetings, she would reply,"So, you're saying I shouldn't be going to the meetings? They told me you'd say that". When I replied that maybe she shouldn't be going to 'so many' meetings, she just repeated what she said before, but like a statement of confirmation instead of a question, like I had been caught doing exactly what her new friends told her would happen. When I asked the therapist what to do, she had no idea. Be careful who you go into therapy with. Not all 'professionals' are good ones.

[AKAMichelle]

I am a crossdresser. I guess what I met by gender ID was that all my life I have felt very fem. In 20 years I have never told anyone or let anyone see me. You see for the last 20 years I have served in the Army Rangers for 4 years then the next sixteen Special Forces. So, I have had to play the role of being very manly. I have had to hide inside myself, when I told my wife it wasn't just something I blurted out over dinner. I sat her down and tried to tell her how and when it all started as a young boy.
I feel I have really screwed up. I just thought she might understand. I told her this was something that I wished to keep inside the house. That I didn't want to share with the rest of the world, just her. She played the role 'what am I not sexy enough dressed up'. That was it she hasn't talked to me since.
Then I found this forum, people like me. I'm very happy to have met and read your feed back, thank you all so very much.

I definitely understand what you are saying. I told my wife in January and things went very bad for awhile. Things are finally improving. She knows that I crossdress and looks the other way. We are still separated, but the one thing that I want for Christmas is true understanding from my wife. I don't know how to get it, but I would do almost anything to get it.

[kym]

raana, try to understand that you have revealed a part of yourself that is private and sensitive and one that a wife of any length of time, especially 20 years,would feel like they need to know from the start. You were extremely brave telling her at all and for that you should be applauded. just give her time to digest the info and she should be ready to talk with you about it. What ever you do do not force the issue with her, let her bring it up with you when shes comfortable doing so and take it slow, let her tell you how comfortable she is with it. She probably wasn't ready to hear that her american hero has a feminine side so it is going to take time. the fact that you two have been together for 20 years is a good indication that she probably isn't going anywhere any time soon. hang in there and shoot me a pm if you need any help from a former cav scout who understands.