Question for those who are out

[Sammy777]

Something has been stirring in my head that I wanted to get some input on.

For those that don't know,
I have been working on coming out to my close family & a few friends.

I know we all hope for the best [acceptance] when we come/came out.

If I find I do have accepting/supporting family members what happens next?

I have been thinking about this & it dawned on me.
Even if they are accepting & willing of this.

Even of they are ready to see Samantha am I ready to show Her to them?

My first & only exp with this was during Halloween with my sister. But dressed in a costume "for fun" & being dressed as Samantha in front of her [or my other family/friends for that matter] are two different things.

I know I'm probably way over thinking this,
I'm not trying come up with excuses for myself to further prolong this.
It is just something that I can't not think about.

Sort of a be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.

It sorta freaked me out at first to think what if after I tell them one of the responses is
"well lets she her".

I think being told something & actually seeing it could get two very different reactions.

I really feel that a bad comment or the slightest laugh/snicker once seeing me dressed would make me burst out crying & hurt me more then being unaccepted & told I was the worse of the worse.

I guess it is part fear & the uncertainty of how I would be perceived / looked at dressed in front of them.


So I guess my question is:
How long after coming out did it take you to let "Her" be seen by the people you told?

[Ruth]

This is a tough one to be definite about because it depends on several variables. First how confident are you in your appearance; second how sympathetic are your prospective audience; and third how good do you actually look.
If any one of these three is favorable enough, it will carry the other two, if you see what I mean. It's up to you to work these factors out, and be honest with yourself when you do: when you walk out as Samantha, you can't hit the Rewind button.

[Carole Cross]

Samantha, Ihave just taken a look at your pictures and from what I have seen i dont think you have anything to worry about, you look very beautiful.
If you show them those pictures I cant see how or why they would laugh at you or ridicule you. I hope if you do decide to tell them that they are accepting.
I myself will have to do the same at some point next year and I too am worried but if we want to come out I suppose it's something we have to be prepared for whatever the outcome:hugs:

[charlie]

Hello Samantha!
I look on this forum and see all the divorces and problems that are associated with coming out and it scares me. Sure, being yourself and not hiding anymore would be great. But what if your mother, brother sister all stop talking to you...let alone just a bad word that "could make you cry". Our CD is viewed by society as demented and an awful thing to do. Society does not understand us (sometimes I do not understand me either!). So how will all of your family take this? Think it through before spilling the beans! Good Luck!

[deja true]

Well Sam, Carole has given you a safer option for showing yourself if you want. Don't present yourself dressed if that's at all scary to you. Show 'em pictures first.

And in choosing your pictures crtically at the beginning you'll be able to put your best foot forward. That way they can see you better as you would want to be seen, eh?

I did a similar thing. I'm out to three good friends now, but they've never seen deja in the flesh (as it were). I introduced myself to one of them by putting my laptop in front of her and showing her my SCC pics. There's me, but also a lot of friends...and all in good moods and all smiling and all obviously having fun. She liked the pics and we had lots to talk about, especially since I could name everyone else on the pic and what they did and where they were from.

It was a great introduction not only to me, but to trans life on the whole. And the whole idea of the "picture show" made the exercise a lot more intimate and chatty. And because I was there as "what's-his-name", I wasn't threatening or strange to them. I was nervous, but a wonderful calm came to me when she showed delight and asked questions, rather than making faces.

:)

Good luck, darlin'!

[Karren H]

Still haven't!! 3 years now.... And don't plan to ever... her finding out was my mistake and I still regret it..... kind of....

[Sammy777]

Thank you for the replies so far.

I guess showing them pictures could be a good ice breaker for both sides before letting them see me.

Whichever family members find it bad, wrong, ect ect. won't have to worry about seeing her because I see no point & no way that would help things along. At least not at first anyway.

I know that at the very least one of my family members will be accepting.
She'd be the one to blurt out "well lets she her" or something like that.
She should be around Friday, I will see how things go & if the timing & enough alone time are there she may be the first.

[catriona36]

are you living at home still? if yes then yeah best tell them, not so you CAN dress about the house but incase they walk in while you are.
if your not living at home, and DONT want to dress 24/7 i cant see the point in telling anyone at all, unless, its the "so"

maybe its just me lol
but i have no need or want to tell friends or family cos i know i will never be 24/7.
but hey who knows maybe you will get the hand me downs ;)
you just have to do what you feel is best.
you could dress up and mke it look like a home invasion, tho they probably wouldnt see the funny sideto that :( :heehee:
i do think there needs to be a humorous yet serious and relaxed side to telling someone you cd. i dont know how but it feels that way :)
have fun be safe

[MJ]

i think it was about six weeks. Evan though they knew it was still hard the first time but now there's nothing too it.

[Raven92366]

For me it will be 8 months, as I was home on R&R from being deployed when I told my wife. She has been shopping for things she wants me to wear ever since I told her. Now when I get home I am going to be like a fashion model doing a runway show with the amount of clothing she is buying to "help" me dress up.

[Sammy777]

i think it was about six weeks. Evan though they knew it was still hard the first time but now there's nothing too it.

Thank you MJ

[crusadergirl]

For me i still haven't let my family and most of my friends see Kirra in person.
They accept me but i'm not ready yet. I don't know how long it takes i wish i did.

[Intertwined]

I know I'm probably way over thinking this

I have the same problem, my wife calls it "Analysis Paralysis"

As for a bad comment or a snicker, I live for the attention, good or bad, im center stage.

I think it all comes back to this question, Why do you want them to know about your other half?

Do you feel your lying to them by not telling them?

Are you afraid of what might happen if they find out on there own?

Are you looking for acceptance and support of who you know you are?

You have to weigh your reasons for wanting them to know, against ALL possible reactions to them knowing, good or bad, ie; they make think its awesome, and always believed you were, and support you in any way you could possibly ask, on the other hand, they could say Freak! you need to seek help and never speak to you again.

I know I probably was not much help, this is your desicion, what ever you decide, make sure it was for the RIGHT reasons!

[Cari]

I left it up to the people I told. I never really agreed with just popping in dressed and surprising someone how could you make it more awkward. The more I do this the more likely it is Ill get caught but Im hoping to tell those I care about before that happens.

I had pictures with me when I told them; that was enough for some.
Some didnt want to see at all,
Some asked in a few weeks after it sank in.

If they want a face to face then you need to find some common ground there. Very few people have had a "special audience" with my fem side and it was planned to be as comfortable for both as possible.

I wasnt really worried about any snide comments, what scared me was them telling everyone and lots of other folks showing up like CD intervention. That never happened.

The other real problem is the ones who get too interested or want to drag you out into situations you arent comfortable with or ready for yet.

For me the real reason for telling someone was because we had a good relationship and I didnt want to lie to them. When I dress I kinda just disappear and people who care start to worry or figure out your holding something back and move on. You dont always get acceptance but you clear the air.

Once you tell someone you both have to find your comfort level with it.



Cari

[Claire Cook]

I'm careful about whom I come out to, but so far everyone I've told has been very supportive, and look forward to being with Claire. Interesting that they have all been GG's.

Funny thing happened Sunday night. I'd told a friend and colleague I've worked with for years -- she was intrigued and wanted to see me in a dress. She and my wife were doing some work at her apartment, and I'd planned to join them for a girl's dinner. Then I got a call saying that her (GG) roommate was coming back from CA early, so maybe I should come in drab. At some point during dinner the discussion turned to women's clothes, and I dropped the hint that a particalur style might look good on me. Her roommate picked right upon that .."maybe later". Sounds like I have something to look forward to!

[sallyjones]

if you are looking for someone to accept you, you must first totally accept yourself. family is a sticky issue. im still too scared to tell family. my SO knows and is ok with me dressing still causes problems from time to time though. this day and age its getting more common but not all the way. people fear what they dont understand. good luck, very curios what happens. please post results if you do come out.

[Rogina B]

My opinion is a combination of what others here have told you. You may not really be ready and it may not really be necessary as well. I would present yourself dressed to an open minded gg friend first and practice with that question and answer time. If that goes well and after the dust settles,try it on the next person. If it doesn't go well than they aren't worth having as close friends anyway!