need advice / my CD boyfriend broke up with me after he came out of the closet

[bruno]

i am a 29 years old woman. i have been with my boyfriend 2.5 years and for the last 1,5 years we have been living together. we were really happy and very much in love!i have never felt so complete in my life and he was saying and showing me the same too.we have been really close,we were almost inseparble!we have been fighting for usual stuff like all couples but we were always making up since we couldnt be apart.sex was absolutely great!we were both really open,trying different things in bed,visiting stripclubs,talking about our fantasies.4 months ago,after we visited a stripclub and talking about our fantasies he told me that he is a crossdresser!he told me that he knows that all his life but he could never get out of the closet!he hasnt accepted it and it was very hard for him to tell me since he has been hiding this all his life!he said that he used to do it very often (only alone in the house) but since we have been living together he is not doing it because he didnt feel like it.he said that he loves me so much and he doesnt want to loose me.he also said that he knows what he wants and he feels great being a man, he just gets sexually aroused getting dressed as woman.i was shocked, i couldnt believe it!i didnt know what to say!i didnt get angry or leave!instead i asked him many questions that he was willing to answer.we talked about it for very long time and he was always like i love you and i dont want to loose you.after some days that i got over the shock i said to myself i love this man very much and if everything is like he said i dont care what he wants to wear, i love the person not the way he looks on the outside!shortly i started encouraging him to get dressed in front me, i wanted to be a part of this.i wanted to make him feel comfortable.i felt that after he told me i loved him even more and we were closer than ever!we went shopping together and started having sex while he was dressed in womens clothes!i was surprised by my reaction because actually i really enjoyed it!he couldnt believe it either and he was really happy about that!we never had a fight about crossdressing but at that time we have been fighting quite a lot for silly things and i have to admit that i wasnt very patient as i had some personal problems(job,health family issues) that affected me a lot!i thought it was just a bad period but my boyfriend probably not as he started telling me that maybe the solution is to be separate for a while!i told him that i want to try everything to work things out and he said he wants as well but he is not sure if we could!anyway for almost a month we were still together trying to find a solution when one day he told me it is not only the fights recenlty i stared thinking that i dont know if i am gay or straight and i cant do this to you and i need to find what i want. from our conversations i could tell he was really confused with himself.i knew he wants marriage and childern but he thinks that he is not normal because of the crossdressing and so he is not capable of doing so!he started having doubts whether he is gay or not.he is afraid to talk to his friends because he said they would rejected him and he couldnt even imagine talking to his parents because it would kill his dad.i tried to persuade him that peole that love him wouldnt judge him and accept him!but first he had to accept it. the end of the story is that i tried really hard to tell him that i love him and i want to be with him but he couldnt be with me anymore!he said he loves me, but through the bad period we had his feelings have changed and also he wants to do everything on his own to find himself!i am in a really bad state now cause i cant be without him.he doesnt even want to talk to me anymore!i feel like deep down he never found it normal that i accepted it since he thinks that he is not normal!i dont know what to do now,i have doubts about everything.i dont understand why he told me all about this and then he left!i guess i have to leave him alone to find himself but it is so hard for me to let it go.
any advice or similar experiences??

[DonnaT]

Seems to me that y'all had an awful lot of fights in the short time you were together.

Top that with his insecurities, and the relationship spells disaster. Sorry.

I suggest leaving him to his self pity, and get on with finding a more fruitful life for yourself.

[mklinden2010]

B,

Assuming everything you write is pretty much the way things went, welcome to the world of dating and relationships! No warranties, no guarantees, no sure things - until you meet someone who is somehow always there all the time and you really can't imagine why you'd leave them either. You're just a couple - and that's that. Time winds up being the ultimate test.

Crossdressing as an issue often seems to come up when something starts getting shakey in a relationship. But, so do thoughts about old girlfriends, ex-wives, jobs you shouldn't have quit, and so forth. The human mind starts looking for reasons to do things long before, if ever, the subconscious reasons become clear.

Yes, you could attribute part of what's going on to his thinking that your support for his CDing was somehow "wrong," or "bad." Not unusual for someone to pull that card as a reason to quit a relationship that "should have" continued. But, people are strange, we all are, and one reason will do good as another when people start FEELing they should be doing something else.

Wish the guy luck. Suggest to him if he wants to "do the gay thing" that he just walk into the right bar after work and let someone come on to him and take him home - or, to the toilet out back for "some fun." Welcome to that new world. Crossdressing may give people fodder for their fantasies, but, really, if you want to have sex with men, gay men, then walk their walk and talk their talk. Otherwise, you're just not going to get "the real deal" all that often. And, alas for most dreamers, most men are not all that into sex with men dressed as women. You had problems with the idea, most men do too.

You sound like you're suffering the affects of a "love near miss." It will take a while to get over this. You'll be thinking about this for a while, maybe five or ten years. But, you probably already have a pretty good idea that your FORMER lover wasn't really ready for prime time after all. If you were willing to try so hard, you are probably a good person and will find another good person and live a better life than if you keep trying to figure this one out.

Dating is about discovering what works and what doesn't. The main thing missing here was something about HIM, not you.

Just think, "Wow. If the guy couldn't get happy with all that support going for him, I'm going to be better off with someone not so hard to be happy with..."

Long story short, we all get our hearts broke along the way in life. But, with this experience behind us we come to value other relationships even more. We learn what to look for, and what to look out for, and we eventually wind up being better off for having found a way to move on.

You will find someone to be happier with... That's just life. He, this "eventual person" may or may not be a Cd'er, but he will be something - a golf nut, a cooking nut, or, just nuts about you.

Good luck and good living.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

im single and looking and know who i am :tongueout :D

[Glenda]

Wow Bruno, I guess your head is spinning. Let me start by saying that none of us knows anything about your boyfriend or about you either, so anything we say could be off base. Please don't be offended by my guess on the subject. First and foremost, I hate to fight and argue and won't be with anyone who does.......that's just me. We shouldn't take out our frustrations with life on those closest to us. I hope you both can learn to control that.

Secondly, he told you he's a crossdresser but you had to go shopping to get him some things? Perhaps he threw them all away when he met you? I don't know, it just seems like he probably would have had his own stuff if he has been doing this awhile.

Third, he says he may be gay and wants to find out who he is? Well, I can believe that in some people as well, but the way this all went down in your post, it seems to me that he was looking for reasons for you to dump him. When you didn't, he decided to dump you.

I don't know whether I'm right or wrong, but I believe you need to have a good heart to heart talk and find out what is really going on. I don't know what you're willing to accept, but there are a lot of couples who enjoy bringing other people into their relationships. Of course, that is more often than not the death of most relationships so you would be treading in dangerous territory.

Basically, I think you both need to open up to find out what is really on the other's mind. He may be good for you or you may be better off finding someone else who is willing to commit to the relationship. I really don't know but I do wish you a lot of luck. Coming here and posing the question shows that you are willing to reach out and find a way to make this work. I hope he's not just the wrong guy for you.

There is another forum at this site for loved ones. You may find some answers there.

[Alice Torn]

Call Dr. Laura, Roy Masters Advice Line, Or Dr. Joy Brown, if nothing else. I do believe it is best to abstain from full sex, with anyone, until all is worked out, in any relationship. Sex is TNT.

[Sammy777]

Hello Bruno

Welcome to the forum, hope you stay a while.

It is always nice to have another accepting & supporting GG [Genetic Girl] find this site.

I hope I speak for all when I say that I hope that the behavior of your bf/exbf does not cast a negative shadow on the rest of us.

Now for your problem
You will find that all of us [CD'ers, TV's, TS's, TG's] all take this from different angles.
The only rule is that there are no rules when it comes to this.
There is no handbook to follow, for us or the GG's that love us and everybody here & the situations they are in are all different.

I would suspect that your bf has for a long time not accepted who or what he is.

You will find that most of us started doing this at a very early age & for most the questions of "does this make me gay" or "Am I gay" have been asked of ourselves & by others may may times.

You will find that the avg CD'er is as straight as the next guy.
In fact, the percentage of CD'ers that are gay is about the same as the percentage of avg people who are gay.

For some of us the answers were easy -
No, I am not gay & doing this doesn't make gay.
The opposite goes for those of us that just so happen to be gay.

The other questions are "Is this wrong?" "Am I immoral?" "Am I weird/ect ect?"

Again, for some those questions were answered long ago, for others, it is something that they still have not come to terms with on some varying level.

It seems that your BF has been trying to suppress this thinking it would go away.
By doing that he has never tried to accept himself for who he is.
He is not alone in the world, & maybe you can show him that.

Usually more then not it is us CD'ers that bring our SO [Significant Others] here to give them perspective on what it is we do & what we are.

You seem to be in a unique position to possibly be able to bring a confused CD'er here, so that maybe he can find some answers & clarity for himself.

He seems to be worried that he might be gay for doing this.
Usually being gay is something found out at a earlier age, but "later bloomers" are know to happen.

It sounds like you love him very much.
If you didn't you wouldn't be here looking for answers.

I think walking away is a bad idea right now.
Leaving him in his current state is not good for him & could cause the both of you to miss out on something special together later on, only to always regret what could have been.

CD'ing a lot of times means the end of a relationship.
maybe for once it can mean the beginning of a renewed one.

Maybe together you two can find the answer to that question.
If he is just confused, then there is room to work things out.
If he is indeed gay, then hopefully you two can remain friends.

Sorry for running on like this, but I hope that some or all of this helps both of you in the end. Whatever that brings.

[ReineD]

Hi Bruno, and welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through this. :sad: I'm a GG (genetic girl, female at birth) in a happy relationship with my CD bf. We are older than you, and my bf worked through discovering what she wants and what the CDing means to her years ago before she met me.

It sounds as if your bf is in what is commonly called on this site as a "pink fog". This is an elated state of mind that occurs when a CDer first comes out of the closet and realizes he is not the "freak" he thought he was. He can experience being femme and express this side of himself in front of others, not get rejected, and perhaps even be accepted! This carries with it an enormous feeling of freedom and relief and the elation that accompanies it supercedes everything else. More experienced, seasoned CDers will warn against the pink fog, as it can easily ruin relationships.

Along with this newly found, exhilarating discovery, for many CDers, comes an exploration of sexuality. I gather from the many posts I have read here that it is difficult to separate the excitement of expressing the outward expression of femmedom from also wanting to experience her sexuality. Many CDers become bicurious. Some CDers try being with a man and discover it is not for them, while others discover they are in fact bisexual. If the CDer is in a long-term, committed relationship along with all the responsibilities it carries (kids, mortgage, etc), this may be enough for him to put aside his bicuriosity and focus on expressing his sexuality within the marriage.

But, your bf is young, and the two of you are not in a committed relationship? He has also not yet discovered the difficulties many Cders experience in finding the right partner who can accept and support the transgenderedness the way you have. And if his hormones are ruling his decisions right now, there is not much you can do other than step aside and wish him well in his journey of discovery.

You also brought up a good point. He may in fact still be dealing with feelings of shame and insecurity about being CD, and it may be difficult for him to feel free fully expressing this side of himself in front of you. If this is the case, he still needs the space to figure it out for himself, especially since he has been clear with you this is what he wants.

I would be very thankful he was honest with you. Many CDers wish to hang on to the relationship while at the same time experiment with their sexuality, and it brings nothing but the erosion of trust and heartbreak to their partners.

My suggestion would be to go on a break, and for you to do the best you can to move forward without him. Go out and meet other guys! Then, if after a period of experimentation your bf discovers that being with a guy is not all he thought it would be and he was better off with you, the two of you might consider getting back together, that is IF you are still available.

If you do love someone, you let them go. Trust the process, Bruno, and believe that if your love is true, you will find one another again. In the meantime, open your heart to others and see what else life has to offer. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and only you! :<3:
:hugs:

[DinaMature]

Call Dr. Laura, Roy Masters Advice Line, Or Dr. Joy Brown, if nothing else. I do believe it is best to abstain from full sex, with anyone, until all is worked out, in any relationship. Sex is TNT.

Yes, get past the warmies and that physical emotional entanglement. Sex overcommits us and clouds the real issues.

[docrobbysherry]

He sounds young, or at least, immature. But, as a previous poster mentioned, we don't know either of u. So, anything we say about u is just speculation!

I CAN tell u about an event from my past;

I met the woman I married when she was 24, and busy having fun! An old boyfriend proposed to her from her old home town. I didn't do anything to stop her, even tho I was crazy about her. Because I sensed she wasn't ready for a relationship! They didn't get married. When we hooked up again 4 years later, she WAS ready to settle down!:)

U were with your boyfriend almost 3 years. Statistically, the "honeymoon" phase of relationships end after about 3 years! I found that to be true in my marriage!:sad:

[ColleenShivas]

Clearly, you care very much for this guy, and feel that the relationship might be worth fighting to keep.
What we do not know is his true sexuality. He is either "just" a CD who has not yet come to terms with society's attitude towards us, or he may really be gay in which case a long term relationship with him is unlikely. There is a statistic frequently quoted that heterosexual CDs are more likely to be loyal husbands, so it may be worth your effort to learn more about his leanings, assuming he is aware enough to discuss them with you.
You did not give much background about the subjects of the fights. If it was just the usual stuff for a heterosexual couple (money, which friends to hang out with, how to keep the house, what to do for entertainment, whose family to spend holidays with etc) then I would say you need to push to resolve the sexuality part.
On the other hand if it was about the deeper stuff (here the nature of your sexual interactions - religion and what-about-kids probably don't yet come into it) then you might think very carefully about the messages that you were getting.

[Sheila]

hun welcome and I am sorry that thingas are bad for you right now, sounds like you B/f ( and I use that deliberately) is in a confused state right now and the link below might help you understand a bit of what it's like for him now that you know his huge secret ... just click on it and it will take you straight there


Accepting S.O.'s (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94072)

hang in there for a while and it might all yet come good hun :hugs:

[Lisa Golightly]

Finding a fully accepting GG is the holy grail for most of us... Problem is when we get one we immediately question why they'd want to be with us. Your experience isn't unique... I've done it, and I suspect many others who have come clean also have.

There is no answer for our irrational response... In my case we never got back together even though she tried many times... I just felt she deserved better than me... See what I mean? Irrational.

[Shari]

Bruno, I'm not privy to your private conversations, but from your angle, it seems to me that you've done all you can to be supportive and accepting. There's quitea few here who would love a supporting woman like you.
Now he's talking like he might be gay. Perhaps it's just the tip of the iceberg. You might want to get him to open up and possibly find more skeletons or darkness he continued to hide from you.
And what with all the fighting and bickering, it almost seems like he wants to end it without actually saying so.
Love only works when both partners feel the same.
Maybe it's time for you to move on.

[bruno]

He sounds young, or at least, immature. But, as a previous poster mentioned, we don't know either of u. So, anything we say about u is just speculation!

I CAN tell u about an event from my past;

I met the woman I married when she was 24, and busy having fun! An old boyfriend proposed to her from her old home town. I didn't do anything to stop her, even tho I was crazy about her. Because I sensed she wasn't ready for a relationship! They didn't get married. When we hooked up again 4 years later, she WAS ready to settle down!:)

U were with your boyfriend almost 3 years. Statistically, the "honeymoon" phase of relationships end after about 3 years! I found that to be true in my marriage!:sad:

well, i guess i have to let time show me what is going to happen!there is not much i can do now!thanks for the advice!


Bruno, I'm not privy to your private conversations, but from your angle, it seems to me that you've done all you can to be supportive and accepting. There's quitea few here who would love a supporting woman like you.
Now he's talking like he might be gay. Perhaps it's just the tip of the iceberg. You might want to get him to open up and possibly find more skeletons or darkness he continued to hide from you.
And what with all the fighting and bickering, it almost seems like he wants to end it without actually saying so.
Love only works when both partners feel the same.
Maybe it's time for you to move on.

i have doubts about everything right now and i hate that feeling!you might be right!there might be more skeletons!i just wanted to help him accept himself!maybe i have managed to do it but eventually that lead him away from me!i cant understand why!but what i do understand is that love only works when both partners feel the same as you said!it's just to hard for me to let it go!that's why i am here now, maybe i will be able to understand some things and this will make it easier for me to let it go!


I'm not going to try and sort out your whole life, I just want to make one point.

A gay man is, by definition, a man who has sex with other men and not with women. Your boyfriend has sex with you and not with other men. So your boyfriend is not gay.

He might be lots of other things: bi-curious seems the most likely, but he is not gay.

Suppose a man aged 30 has a regular sex life with girlfrends or his wife. So he's made love, say, a thousand times with women. If he then decides to have sex with ten different men he is not gay. His gay-factor is only one percent of his life, barely enough to be called bisexual and certainly not gay.

[How can I say this with certainty? Do the calculations the other way round - suppose a man made love a thousand times with men and ten times with women, would that make him straight?]

Put another way: thinking that you're gay because you cross-dress makes as much sense as thinking you're an accountant because you wear a necktie

i dont believe he is gay either!he might me bisexual!definately he is really confused!


Finding a fully accepting GG is the holy grail for most of us... Problem is when we get one we immediately question why they'd want to be with us. Your experience isn't unique... I've done it, and I suspect many others who have come clean also have.

There is no answer for our irrational response... In my case we never got back together even though she tried many times... I just felt she deserved better than me... See what I mean? Irrational.

i really cannot understand that unless you didnt want to be with this person anymore!why would you underestimate yourself by saying that she would deserve better than you...?unless you knew that you couldnt give her what she wants!what if she knows for sure that is you what she wants???


Clearly, you care very much for this guy, and feel that the relationship might be worth fighting to keep.
What we do not know is his true sexuality. He is either "just" a CD who has not yet come to terms with society's attitude towards us, or he may really be gay in which case a long term relationship with him is unlikely. There is a statistic frequently quoted that heterosexual CDs are more likely to be loyal husbands, so it may be worth your effort to learn more about his leanings, assuming he is aware enough to discuss them with you.
You did not give much background about the subjects of the fights. If it was just the usual stuff for a heterosexual couple (money, which friends to hang out with, how to keep the house, what to do for entertainment, whose family to spend holidays with etc) then I would say you need to push to resolve the sexuality part.
On the other hand if it was about the deeper stuff (here the nature of your sexual interactions - religion and what-about-kids probably don't yet come into it) then you might think very carefully about the messages that you were getting.

fights were about usual stuf fwhich i thought we could work out but apparenlty he didnt!well, i am not sure if that was the real reason though..i do want to resolve the sexuality part but he doesnt let me anymore!he says i will be better off him..


hun welcome and I am sorry that thingas are bad for you right now, sounds like you B/f ( and I use that deliberately) is in a confused state right now and the link below might help you understand a bit of what it's like for him now that you know his huge secret ... just click on it and it will take you straight there


Accepting S.O.'s (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94072)

hang in there for a while and it might all yet come good hun :hugs:
thanks for that!i am very confused too and i am trying to understand!

[docrobbysherry]

well, i guess i have to let time show me what is going to happen!there is not much i can do now!



i have doubts about everything right now and i hate that feeling! it's just to hard for me to let it go!that's why i am here now, maybe i will be able to understand some things and this will make it easier for me to let it go!

Bruno, look what u wrote in the first paragraph above and DO THAT!

U don't need to let go, just move on with your life! Love ALWAYS hurts! One way or another. U sound like a very nice caring person. He's knows how to get in touch, if and when he needs to. U can use this time to get some space from him and analyze your feelings. You're probably too close now, to figure it out. I KNOW it feels like the end of the world when someone u love leaves. But, it's not. In time, u will heal. Then, if he doesn't come back to complicate your life, you'll meet someone else. Maybe your experience will help u choose someone BETTER FOR U!

Eventually, u may look back at this time, and laugh! I know that sounds rediculous to u now, but some of us have been there many times, and that's how it works! Just hang in there! Your feelings will pass, I promise!:)

[Lisa Golightly]

i really cannot understand that unless you didnt want to be with this person anymore!why would you underestimate yourself by saying that she would deserve better than you...?unless you knew that you couldnt give her what she wants!what if she knows for sure that is you what she wants???

The biggest issues facing the average crossdresser is self-doubt, self-loathing, and a large side order of expectation of rejection. As I said irrational, but deep set in the psyche. It is only with self-acceptance that you can think of the future as a place of potential, rather than one of wreckage, recrimination, and M.A.D.

The girl's you lie to never know you, the first one you tell becomes the innocent victim of your own neuroses fuelled by being a secret auslander to the masses, and only those you tell from day one can you look in the eye without guilt.

[bruno]

Hello Bruno

Welcome to the forum, hope you stay a while.

It is always nice to have another accepting & supporting GG [Genetic Girl] find this site.

I hope I speak for all when I say that I hope that the behavior of your bf/exbf does not cast a negative shadow on the rest of us.

Now for your problem
You will find that all of us [CD'ers, TV's, TS's, TG's] all take this from different angles.
The only rule is that there are no rules when it comes to this.
There is no handbook to follow, for us or the GG's that love us and everybody here & the situations they are in are all different.

I would suspect that your bf has for a long time not accepted who or what he is.

You will find that most of us started doing this at a very early age & for most the questions of "does this make me gay" or "Am I gay" have been asked of ourselves & by others may may times.

You will find that the avg CD'er is as straight as the next guy.
In fact, the percentage of CD'ers that are gay is about the same as the percentage of avg people who are gay.

For some of us the answers were easy -
No, I am not gay & doing this doesn't make gay.
The opposite goes for those of us that just so happen to be gay.

The other questions are "Is this wrong?" "Am I immoral?" "Am I weird/ect ect?"

Again, for some those questions were answered long ago, for others, it is something that they still have not come to terms with on some varying level.

It seems that your BF has been trying to suppress this thinking it would go away.
By doing that he has never tried to accept himself for who he is.
He is not alone in the world, & maybe you can show him that.

Usually more then not it is us CD'ers that bring our SO [Significant Others] here to give them perspective on what it is we do & what we are.

You seem to be in a unique position to possibly be able to bring a confused CD'er here, so that maybe he can find some answers & clarity for himself.

He seems to be worried that he might be gay for doing this.
Usually being gay is something found out at a earlier age, but "later bloomers" are know to happen.

It sounds like you love him very much.
If you didn't you wouldn't be here looking for answers.

I think walking away is a bad idea right now.
Leaving him in his current state is not good for him & could cause the both of you to miss out on something special together later on, only to always regret what could have been.

CD'ing a lot of times means the end of a relationship.
maybe for once it can mean the beginning of a renewed one.

Maybe together you two can find the answer to that question.
If he is just confused, then there is room to work things out.
If he is indeed gay, then hopefully you two can remain friends.

Sorry for running on like this, but I hope that some or all of this helps both of you in the end. Whatever that brings.

he doesnt even want to see me anymore and i feel there is nothing more i can do!although it is not his type at all, the last time i saw him he was really mean to me!like he hates me for sth that i dont really know!i feel i have tried everything, but my heart doesnt want to give up!i think of him all the time and this is driving me crazy!i feel i cant go on without him!i dont recognize myself, i was always strong!it is the first time in my life i feel so weak!i have being talking with a counsellor, i have great support from friends and family but i still feel lonely without him!everybody says time will heal, i am just afraid i will always want to be with him...


Hi Bruno, and welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through this. :sad: I'm a GG (genetic girl, female at birth) in a happy relationship with my CD bf. We are older than you, and my bf worked through discovering what she wants and what the CDing means to her years ago before she met me.

It sounds as if your bf is in what is commonly called on this site as a "pink fog". This is an elated state of mind that occurs when a CDer first comes out of the closet and realizes he is not the "freak" he thought he was. He can experience being femme and express this side of himself in front of others, not get rejected, and perhaps even be accepted! This carries with it an enormous feeling of freedom and relief and the elation that accompanies it supercedes everything else. More experienced, seasoned CDers will warn against the pink fog, as it can easily ruin relationships.

Along with this newly found, exhilarating discovery, for many CDers, comes an exploration of sexuality. I gather from the many posts I have read here that it is difficult to separate the excitement of expressing the outward expression of femmedom from also wanting to experience her sexuality. Many CDers become bicurious. Some CDers try being with a man and discover it is not for them, while others discover they are in fact bisexual. If the CDer is in a long-term, committed relationship along with all the responsibilities it carries (kids, mortgage, etc), this may be enough for him to put aside his bicuriosity and focus on expressing his sexuality within the marriage.

But, your bf is young, and the two of you are not in a committed relationship? He has also not yet discovered the difficulties many Cders experience in finding the right partner who can accept and support the transgenderedness the way you have. And if his hormones are ruling his decisions right now, there is not much you can do other than step aside and wish him well in his journey of discovery.

You also brought up a good point. He may in fact still be dealing with feelings of shame and insecurity about being CD, and it may be difficult for him to feel free fully expressing this side of himself in front of you. If this is the case, he still needs the space to figure it out for himself, especially since he has been clear with you this is what he wants.

I would be very thankful he was honest with you. Many CDers wish to hang on to the relationship while at the same time experiment with their sexuality, and it brings nothing but the erosion of trust and heartbreak to their partners.

My suggestion would be to go on a break, and for you to do the best you can to move forward without him. Go out and meet other guys! Then, if after a period of experimentation your bf discovers that being with a guy is not all he thought it would be and he was better off with you, the two of you might consider getting back together, that is IF you are still available.

If you do love someone, you let them go. Trust the process, Bruno, and believe that if your love is true, you will find one another again. In the meantime, open your heart to others and see what else life has to offer. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and only you! :<3:
:hugs:

thanks for your advice!!what you are writing here is very true!when i have a clear mind i can see all these but most of the time i am really sad and i miss him so much and i cant understand how people can change like that and make you feel they dont even care about you, like you have never existed in their lives!i am really fighting to see things clear but it is very difficult right now!

[charlie]

Hello Bruno!
I hope being on this forum gives you some insight and some answers. At the very least you will receive a patient ear. Being a crossdresser does bring up insecurities because nobody in the general socdiety accepts what we do. It isn't gay, manly or natural we are told. Why would an otherwise normal man run around in girls clothes if he wasn't gay? The real turth is that most of the CD's are actually not gay at all. Some may have bisexual tendancies, but most are actually straight married men. From your story I do not know why your boyfriend would take off after you said you would stand by him and accept his dressing. For most of us here that would be our dream. My wife does not accept my dressing nor does she want to even hear more about it. We are in the don't talk about it and treat it like it doesn't exist phase. I hope all this works out well for you, but it sounds like you should be trying to find another and making your heartache go away.

[bruno]

after he told me all about the crossdressing he broke up with me!although i have accepted it and encouraged him to accept it too, i feel i must have done sth wrong as my behaviour looks like had a very negative impact on him.i am really confused and cant understand so many things!at the moment he acts like crazy,he thinks that he might be gay or bisexual, has bought a whole new wordrobe with fem clothes, pretends to his friends (they dont know anything about the crossdressing!) that he is really happy and talks about girls like guys do!i know you might say and why do you still care about him!i love him so much and i have seen a great potential at him!at the moment he is doing everything and the result is nothing!he is very confused, i can tell that, and i want to help him but he doesnt want to!i guess i am not the right person but it's driving me crazy not being able to do anything for him.do you have any similar experiences or any advice to share with me?

[johnna]

Hi Bruno,

Sometimes when we find someone who accepts our dressing, it scares us because we don't fully accept ourselves yet. I am not saying that is what happened, but it could be one possibility. At least that happened to me with an old g/f.

I hope that helps... :hugs:

[mklinden2010]

after he told me all about the crossdressing he broke up with me!although i have accepted it and encouraged him to accept it too, i feel i must have done sth wrong as my behaviour looks like had a very negative impact on him.i am really confused and cant understand so many things!at the moment he acts like crazy,he thinks that he might be gay or bisexual, has bought a whole new wordrobe with fem clothes, pretends to his friends (they dont know anything about the crossdressing!) that he is really happy and talks about girls like guys do!i know you might say and why do you still care about him!i love him so much and i have seen a great potential at him!at the moment he is doing everything and the result is nothing!he is very confused, i can tell that, and i want to help him but he doesnt want to!i guess i am not the right person but it's driving me crazy not being able to do anything for him.do you have any similar experiences or any advice to share with me?


B,

You're ALREADY served your purpose in his life, and him in yours.

Time for both of you to move on.

The past is done, the present will be uncomfortable for a while, but future is wide open.

On a lighter note, remember the song, "My darling Clementine"?

"...How I missed her - 'til I kissed her sister - and forgot my Clementine!"

That's how life goes....

[Satrana]

Bruno

My guess is that your boyfriend has decided to become a girl for sexual reasons. He wants to spend his free time dressed as a girl and hanging out at clubs to attract men. This is why he has dumped you and is deliberately driving you away. He does not want the guilt or the issues of maintaining a relationship with you while he is off forming relationships with men. His free time is now devoted to his project. It could be a mistake on his part but he will need to discover this for himself. Hopefully he will be sensible about what he gets up too.

I doubt if you have any chance of getting through to him for many months and depending upon what he finds out about himself he may be lost to you forever. Your best option is to move on yourself but if you still want to maintain contact then cool off for a few months to give him his space to conduct his experimentation.

[ColleenShivas]

I am glad that you brought your problems to this forum and I hope that some of the responses are helpful to you. However you must realize that none of us really know you or you boyfriend. Clearly you love him enough to try to work this out and help him through whatever self examination he needs.

My guess (and it can only be that) is that he is still uncertain and insecure about his own sexuality. You got close enough for him to act on those doubts. He has recognized that he is a CD. What he may not yet understand is that being a CD does not mean that can still be heterosexual (many of us are) and it does not mean that we want to change the plumbing (many of us don't).

So my advice is to find out what his true inclinations are. It may take professional help if you can convince him to do that. If he is gay, then it will be better that you both know that - and that you probably do not have a lasting relationship. If he is a heterosexual CD then you are among the few GGs who are willing to accept such a partner, and he needs to know that he is not alone.

I wish you well in resolving this.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My guess the after he tol you he just could not live with it. GGs really do not realize just how strong this "URGE" to dress is. As CDers, we are depressed; we are ashamed of ourselves for wanting to do this; we don't understand why we have this "DESIRE". We think there is something terribly wrong with us. We feel that we are so alone. We feel so scarred and can't really talk to anyone about it. Then after we talk about, we feel like we have let this dark secret about ourselves out and we don't know how to handle it.

My suggestion - go to him - put his head in your lap - tell him that you love him for sharing this and that you will stand by him and help him.

Love,
JoAnne Wheeler