Just when I thought things were going to get easier

[Lana Lang]

I admitted to GF about my crossdressing one week ago tomorrow. At the time, I was in my experimentation phase trying all sorts of things and discovered that what I truly liked and enjoyed was dressing in women's clothing and lingerie. I felt a huge relief disclosing this very private part of me to her and thought that at minimum, I would gain her acceptance. I could care less if she did or didn't want to see it, that wasn't my goal nor did I want to go out shopping or have her dress me up. My goal also did not include presenting as a woman which seemed to give her comfort.

She's told me twice that as far as crossdressing can go, dressing in women's clothes is the most tolerable for her and anything more would be more than she can handle. I'm fine with that for reasons stated above. Then at dinner yesterday, she stated that she needed time to herself to think it over and for the first time in our 10 months of dating, she wanted to not see me this weekend so she could be alone with her thoughts. We've gone through tough times together and we've always been around each other to work through them. I don't want to jump to conclusions but now I'm upset and feeling pretty depressed. Even little things are bothering me now and I actually feel worse now that I've told her than when I didn't disclose this part of me. I didn't expect things to get worse but my obvious niavete is catching up with me.

Is this a sign of bad things to come or should I heed the advice of the thread "How to tell your SO" and just wait it out? Is there anyone else in a similar situation? Isn't it better for couples to be together in times of crises than apart? Am I reading into it too much?

[Karren H]

I'd say that you just wait to see what she decides... obviously if she has to think about it then she's not totally ok with it and she's exploring her options... imho.... Id hope for the best but plan for the worst if I were you...

[Lana Lang]

You're right Karren. That's what I've been trying to do. We talk on the phone nightly and I want to pour my heart out to her about how I'm feeling but I feel that sometimes I go overboard and overwhelm her with my emotions. Being a sensitive person, all of this is hard for her to take. Couple that with the fact that I don't have a job, it's no easier for her. I'm trying everyday to look for a job and be a good partner to her, but it's not easy.

[curse within]

Lana,
We can all sit around and wonder should have could have would have, you did the right thing by telling her first of all. That gives you a lot of good points, she knows. Now that she knows what are you gonna do about it? I mean she has expressed her feelings towards it, she is not in favor of it..

I can only tell you how my wife handled it some years back..After she thought it over ...She told me it was just clothes, she could live with it but rules from that point on did apply.. In short she never wanted anything to do with my dressing and that went on for over 20 years..Don't give up , it's not such a bad thing you are doing and she may understand or tolerate more than you expect. If she does return and I am sure she will ...Talk openly about it as if you were talking to your best friend make it clear so she understands what drives you to do this..

Let her know you could have gone months or even years keeping this to yourself but you trusted her and only her to share this with. Tell her you are the same guy as you were 10 months ago..I hope it works out for you and if not you just saved yourself 5 ,10 or 20 years worth of pain by getting it out early..

[docrobbysherry]

You're right Karren. That's what I've been trying to do. We talk on the phone nightly and I want to pour my heart out to her about how I'm feeling but I feel that sometimes I go overboard and overwhelm her with my emotions. Being a sensitive person, all of this is hard for her to take.

Most women say they want "sensitive" men. But, they often fall for jerks! I used to be a bit like u. Pouring my heart out as soon as we started to get close! WRONG! I'm sure I turned off a few lovely ladies with that!

Women mostly like men who r, well, men! Once u know she REALLY cares about U, then start showing more of yourself to her. Women CAN get overwhelmed!

Not that I know crap about women! Just based on MY experiences, and I'm divorced! So, consider the source!:brolleyes:

[Celeste]

Lana,I think you are stand up for telling her,now we can only hope that she can see there is someone who loves her enough to be completely honest.From your perspective,can you live with a long term partner who doesn't appreciate that?

[Lana Lang]

Thanks Celeste. It really felt good telling her and being honest - now I just have to wade through these new feelings.

[Sandra]

One week is not very long and she needs time to put all of this into perspective, just because she's asked for time alone to think does not neccessarily mean she's against it or has problems.



We talk on the phone nightly and I want to pour my heart out to her about how I'm feeling but I feel that sometimes I go overboard and overwhelm her with my emotions

Whilst I understand this, just remember that she is dealing with her own emotions/feelings. Let her sort hers out then hopefully she can help you.

I hope you can both work through all of this.

[Jonianne]

Hi Lana, I also told my wife, before we were married, and she also needed to mull it over for a while. She later told me she did not care what I wore. I did not push it any further untill she brought the subject up again. Later, when she brought it up again and wanted to discuss it a little deeper, I knew from past experience that we needed to talk about what her comfort levels were about it and what boundries and groundrules needed to be set.

Let her set the tone of the discussion and until then don't make a big deal of it. It is very good that you did tell her before getting married. Its only fair that she knows about something this important in your life. If she comes back and says she is OK with it, don't let the pink fog cause you to push it, she probably still will need much more time to adjust.

Going very slowly, even if she says she is OK, will help you two to build a very healthy relationship that could include her being a part of this in your life. Going too fast will very likely scare her off.

[Shelly67]

Perhaps you need to grab a little time and space for yourself too.......try not to worry and if you can calm down . Niether of you need anything to be more stressfull. The thing you need to do more than anything is show total support .
I think if you get the chance to sit down and talk go about it in a serene manner .Really let her have her say , listen carefully.
Try not to interupt , if things become tense , back off ,perhaps even go and put the kettle on . Have five minutes to cool the situation .
One thing that you could point out is youre loyalty to her and that you were totally honest . Even morse so that you trust her , thats the reason you told her in the first place . Remember deciet can only bring mistrust.
Its strange , but sometimes when guys admit totally to a women , it causes reactions we never expect . I think that being totally upfront sometimes scares our opposite sex and that they need time to absorb and assess the situation . Its quite a lot to take in sometimes .... but both of you need to remember , if you really want something to work between you , then keep the communication going .
If it all goes wrong however, by being so upfront , honest , and mature will enable an amicable seperation , which in itself surely is better than parting on all out war.


We,ll all be intrested in the outcome , and you,ll find many a kind person on here if you need them so keep us informed ...... and good luck !

[MarciManseau]

You absolutely did the right thing by telling her, and it may be hard for her now, but it would be far worse if she came across your things, or came in and found you dressed up. Honesty is always best.

I hope she comes around and accepts both sides of you.


Hugs, Marci :hugs:

[sxymegan]

Its funny talking about this...
My g/f of 2 years found out by mistake which was my fault but i told her and she was fine with it (so it seemed) I really never dressed or talked about it cause it seemed that she was not going to support me so i we never talked about it or did anything about it and i was fine with it..

Then we broke up and she comes to me and shows me something on a web site about c/d I was like WTF i ignored it and we haven't talk about it since. I would like to tell her but im sure it will throw her back into a hole and we will have to start from square one again.

Im hopping to find someone that will accept this part of me.

[mklinden2010]

Bedrock... No pun intended.

It's easy to say, "Oh, I see. OK" to something and then only later realize that there's more to it than you thought at first.

Someone may say, "Wow, I'd like to get a dog!" You say, "Yeah, OK. That sounds good." Then the dog shows up, bigger or smaller than you expected; a barker or a howler, etc."

Now you're upset... "Uh, when you said, "Get a dog, I was thinking more like...."

Easy for your GF to be going along with your for months - and you come up with this new thing. Since you already had all this positive history, it sounds OK - so far. But, when new information comes in, like those "extra" conversations about skirts you never had before, she begins to feel something is not the same as before and maybe she needs to do pay attention to these new feelings; that something may be taking a step back before she falls into an unknown future. Smart to pay attention to those new flags popping up, those blinking lights, those buzzers...

The good news is that you're both being honest and trying to figure yourselves out. You "had" to tell her. She "has" to deal with it. Processing our own feelings and expectations takes time and effort.

Good for you for bringing this up now and trying to work this into your whole life with someone. Give her time to think about it and expect there to be other episodes like this (with anyone) in the future.

"You know, that dog was cute as a puppy. But, now that it's gotten bigger..."

Bottom line, pursue happiness, as you work out what that is, and respect other people's need and right to do the same.

Good luck to you both... There's still a lot of fish in the sea.

Dating, after all, is often just one big "catch and release" program until you both find the right one...

[Angie G]

Try to relax a bit She didn't come right out and say she wants out so there's still hope Lana.:hugs:
Angie

[lauraabdl]

I really know what you are going thru. My SO of eleven years is just starting to deal with my CDing. In the past it was only panties and she was ok with that. Nowadays I have tried to come out of the closet more and am finding it difficult also. SO has gone to a therapist and tells me little of what is discussed in her sessions, I don't push it, but the tension has increased greatly when we are together most of the time. I am wishing for the best of outcomes for both of us girls.
Laura:hugs:

[Lana Lang]

Thanks for your replies everyone! I could feel myself becoming short not only with her but with everyone else yesterday. I hated how I was becoming and I think part of it was my desperation in wanting to find a job. She was able to get a job very easily because her Dad works for a computer company which I'm very happy for her but I've been trying for the last 2 months with no success.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to give her something to be proud of and me not having a job nor having my college degree (only 3 classes away!) are things that I really want to change. I'm making a real effort to get those things; sometimes my patience just starts to wear thin.

[mklinden2010]

Thanks for your replies everyone! I could feel myself becoming short not only with her but with everyone else yesterday. I hated how I was becoming and I think part of it was my desperation in wanting to find a job. She was able to get a job very easily because her Dad works for a computer company which I'm very happy for her but I've been trying for the last 2 months with no success.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to give her something to be proud of and me not having a job nor having my college degree (only 3 classes away!) are things that I really want to change. I'm making a real effort to get those things; sometimes my patience just starts to wear thin.


L,

CDing is not the most important thing about you, nor is it the most important thing you need to do.

Rather than gripe about the job and her easy ride, do your work and keep at it until you have an income coming in. Two months is nothing... Two years, that's... Well, that's something.

Also, focus on being a happy person. You don't need a job to be happy. You don't need a job to be a good person. You don't need a job to help someone else or to mean something to someone else. But, you do need to get off complaining in life - no one wants to hear it and it takes more energy than finding something good to say or something good to do.

That's so because negative energy subtracts from what you can do and positive energy adds to what you can do. That "fairy dust" in Peter Pan? As awful as grinding up fairies must be, I get the idea that it's what you think about that makes you fly...

When challenges and stress come along, chose something helpful and harmless to do as a positive counterweight. Be careful about CDing for this as it can shut you off from other people and opportunities. Music is good, reading is good, jogging is good. Something clearly and inarguably positive that will do you some good. And, hey, if you want to jog five miles and THEN reward yourself with, er, something nice, well.. You've earned it.

Manage yourself and everything else in life will fall into place eventually.

Good luck and good living.

[Lana Lang]

Thanks Mary for your sage advice. :)

[Sally2005]

Oh, how cruel... I would say at least once she gets back to you, you will have an definite answer, good or bad. You might want to downplay the CDing if it is not the most major thing in your life. That's my problem with telling, if you make it a big deal, then it weighs heavy against other parts of your life. My current thought is to just do it little by little and it will slowly come out casually until there is no secret. ...but then again I'm married and for years I've been trying to find a way to tell her.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

yet again another story of the SO not wanting to hear or see a cd...


i guess they would rather "us" be drunkin wife beaters.... :2c:

[emmicd]

Lana,

Relationships between men and women are complicated enough and when you discuss something like crossdressing and your desire to wear womens clothes it may make some girls feel uneasy. I realize it's only clothes but for some it doesn't matter. Some people just can't seem to get past it. I hope in your case your girlfriend can come to terms with it and maybe even find a way to help you with it. I admire you for your honesty and courage for discussing such a private matter. I believe honesty is always the best policy.

I wish you and your girlfriend do get back together and you both get through it together and both get to enjoy it together sometime. Always remember though to respect your girlfriend's wishes and never push the crossdressing on her. Most crossdressers do live in the closet and dress by themselves mostly.

Good Luck to you both!

emmi

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hi Lana.


Lana,
Let her know you could have gone months or even years keeping this to yourself but you trusted her and only her to share this with. Tell her you are the same guy as you were 10 months ago..I hope it works out for you and if not you just saved yourself 5 ,10 or 20 years worth of pain by getting it out early..

I would say that the person who wrote the above words has said it all. Many of us have the benifit of hindsight ie; we've been there with all the hurt and upset. You have done the right thing and if she finds she cannot go on with you then imagine how she would have felt if she discovered it in ten years time. You have done both of you a favour. Good luck to you both.

[michelle2b]

Lana,

I hope things work out for you. I agree with Mary's point that managing yourself is probably the most important thing to do.

One more thing I would like to add is that if your gf does not like to be with the real you (as you have disclosed to her), then you will need to hide your true needs and feelings, and pretend to be someone you are not for your entire life just so that you can be with her. She will be in love with the facade you create as part of your pretension; she will not be in love with the real you. I understand it is hard to give up on a relationship that you think should work out, but sometimes it is best to let things fall in the right place early. I think you did the right thing by being honest with her. Now, if she decides that it is not what she wants in life, then so be it. You will find someone else who is right for you and loves the real you. This is why you really need to focus on making yourself feel positive and do things that make you feel more positive. The right woman for you will notice you when you are positive and that woman may be your current gf too. I think it is important to let any woman know within the first 2 dates that you CD. When you introduce the topic, I think you should not make it sound more important than it really is to you. Making a passing reference and making it sound perfectly normal also reflects your confidence about being yourself. Opening up early indicates your honesty, and also makes the woman feel more relaxed because she knows that CDing is not so important that you need to hide from her. I think that the difficulty that arises after several months in a relationship is that by that time, the woman has created a mental picture of you and of the rest of her life. When you reveal late that you CD, she is unable to reconcile the conflict with her mental picture. Hence it is necessary to be upfront about it before she has started to imagine the rest of her life with you.

I hope this helps

M2

[MarciManseau]

Thanks for your replies everyone! I could feel myself becoming short not only with her but with everyone else yesterday. I hated how I was becoming and I think part of it was my desperation in wanting to find a job. She was able to get a job very easily because her Dad works for a computer company which I'm very happy for her but I've been trying for the last 2 months with no success.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to give her something to be proud of and me not having a job nor having my college degree (only 3 classes away!) are things that I really want to change. I'm making a real effort to get those things; sometimes my patience just starts to wear thin.

If you're not working, why not finish your degree? I'm sure she'll like that.


Hugs, Marci :hugs:

[Karen1969DD]

Lana,

Some time ago I went through the same things with my husband which your GF must be experiencing. It was not a straight line progression to full acceptance and enjoyment of his dressing, there were many reversals and setbacks along the way. Be patient with her as you wish her to be patient with you. Remember, there are two people involved in this and her feelings are just as important as yours.

Karen

[Elizabeth2-]

One thing that could help the job thing is to get a job, any job. Between managerial posts, I cleaned kitchen vents, delivered newspapers, yard work and carwashing. (all part time of course). Many retailers are looking for help on Christmas week in order to let their regulars celebrate Christmas. My part times saved the house, the car and our credit and bought Christmas.

In fact, that is how I got my current job that I have been at for eight years.

It would show your GF that you are serious about work and being financially responsible "like a Man" and it would diffuse your frustrations that have to be also driven by creditor calls.

And Kudos, Hugs and Kisses for your being so honest and up-front with your GF. If only many of us were so smart. (sigh)

Liz

[Sam-antha]

Relax Lana, relax. It is her turn, she needs think space, thats all.
All the words in here will not change the fact that she needs time in that space. Leave her be to come back.

~Samm

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Welcome to the world of GG Flip-Flop. It happens a lot. I don't know why, but I think it is just part of being a real GG. We all know how GGs change their minds.

I have not yet found a way to prevent this - it just happens.

Love,

JoAnne Wheeler