Secret life of a crossdresser!

[emmicd]

To me the major aspect of my crossdressing is that it is a big secret and virtually no one knows it and it also is a very lonely experience for something that brings much joy. I have been a crossdresser for 43 of my 47 years of living since I started at the tender age of 4.

I very much enjoy my crossdressing time when I get to dress. I also enjoy my shopping time.

The common thread with my dressing and shopping is that I do it always by myself. I feel in a way it is a lonely and sad part of my crossdressing experiences. I don't get to share it and deep down I feel it would be really cool to go out in a real pretty dress and get all dolled up.

I love to dress and it seems I will never ever be able to stop dressing. I feel like it is something I really have to do to keep going. I also have a family I love and live for too. They bring great joy in my life and they are my support system. I also feel I will never be able to dress for a party and wear the pretty clothes I like. I never even wore a dress for Halloween. I would love to wear a pretty holiday dress for Christmas if I could but it's not possible.

How do closet crossdressers cope with this isolation, desire to dress and acceptance that they will only dress alone?

I certainly feel like I would love to be seen in pretty clothes and express my femininity but I dare not!

I am a closet crossdresser who so much loves to dress but can only do it occasionally and always by myself!

emmi

[AllieSF]

Hi Emmi,

I understand how you feel. Unless you have someone to share all this with, it always seems like something is missing. Fortunately for me, I have had the opportunity to get out of the house into the real world (well almost real world, this is San Francisco afterall!) with fellow dressers. That really keeps me going waiting for the next opportunity. No need for me to tell you that getting out of the house (the closet in a way) is really as simple as deciding to do so and then planning and doing it. Your post makes me feel sad, and being the engineer and manager that I am, it seems so easy to find a way to make it happy. Good luck and I hope you find a way to break out and have the fun that you so deserve.

[billie earls]

I too have been in the closet for many years years and just like you have a family that I will not hurt in any way. I just accept it as a part of me that they'll never know. Sites like this one allow me to open up to others who know how I feel and I'll not be judged as some kind of pervert because I'm doing something I love to do. I also would like to be to go out and be with like minded people but its the price I am willing to pay in order to keep my family. Yes its lonesome but at least we can use the internet which we didn't have when we started dressing.

[jennylogan]

I certainly can empathize with the lonliness aspect of crossdressing. I was married for 20 years before I came out to my wife. It was an unwilling confession brought on by her discovery of some of my wardrobe but I ginned up the courage to tell her the truth. Despite her total acceptance and indeed her willingness and encouragement to support my crossdressing it is still a rather lonely life with the secret of my transgenderism being hers and mine alone. It is damn difficult to suppress the desire to finally come out to family and friends and say this is what I am whether you like it or not. However that desire is tempered by the brutal reality that such an action would create innumerable problems and only solve one-my desire to come out. I just don't think that sharing the truth about my cding is worth the damage it would cause to my children, my career, and my relationships.

Living a double life as a married crossdresser and being transgendered is all about making compromises on a daily basis. I would love to present to the world as a female and who knows, maybe someday it will be possible. But for now it's not so I do the best I can by discreetly indulging every time I can, being honest and open with my wife about my wants and desires but most of all try and maintain a balance that allows me to live up to my parental and marital responsibilities and still explore this wonderful side of my personality.

It ain't easy because if it was everyone would do it. Stay strong sister

[deja true]

The answer for the deeply closeted who need to come out, even just briefly, is in going to one of the big T conferences.

A city hundreds of miles from home, a group of 200 to 1,000 non-judgemental others just like you, a series of seminars that can give you person to person information and face to face meetings with sisters and brothers from all over the world, and also a welcome place fro SOs and wives where they can interact with each other for support.

BeAll in Chicago and SCC in Atlanta last year were my first times out ever in my almost 50 years of doing this thing...and these fantastic events saved my sanity! You'll even meet people you know! There were at least 25 girls from here at SCC last September. It was like a family reunion!

BeAll registration just opened (It's in June.). Go to Be-All.org. Check sccatl.org!

There are conferences like this all over the States and a few in Canada, too. Use the search function here for threads and posts about them.

You CAN get out without comprising your self or your life. Being here is a wonderful thing for us, but meeting your sisters and brothers in person is even better.

Join us, dear ones!

:)

[VERONICARH]

I know how you feel. I have been dressing fem, in the closet for over 40 yrs. I have never been out dressed fem, except underdressed. I would love to go out dressed fem, but don't want to be recognized. Being on this site has kept my sanity. So don't feel like your alone. Best wishes.

[Angie G]

I also did this thing all alone for years. Then I came out to my wife and it was the best thing for my. Now I dress infront of her 5 days a week just yesterday I called in to work and stayed in the house all day didn't even go to the mail box. I was dressed from 9:00am till 10 pm with garter and black back seamed stocking, taped my forms on with my oriental dress (Black with a flower print) beautiful dangling earrings, mascara, red lipstick eyeshadow. and red 4'' heels. I not alone any more. And we love to shop together.:hugs:
Angie

[Victoriacr]

I certainly can empathize with the lonliness aspect of crossdressing. I was married for 20 years before I came out to my wife. It was an unwilling confession brought on by her discovery of some of my wardrobe but I ginned up the courage to tell her the truth. Despite her total acceptance and indeed her willingness and encouragement to support my crossdressing it is still a rather lonely life with the secret of my transgenderism being hers and mine alone. It is damn difficult to suppress the desire to finally come out to family and friends and say this is what I am whether you like it or not. However that desire is tempered by the brutal reality that such an action would create innumerable problems and only solve one-my desire to come out. I just don't think that sharing the truth about my cding is worth the damage it would cause to my children, my career, and my relationships.

Living a double life as a married crossdresser and being transgendered is all about making compromises on a daily basis. I would love to present to the world as a female and who knows, maybe someday it will be possible. But for now it's not so I do the best I can by discreetly indulging every time I can, being honest and open with my wife about my wants and desires but most of all try and maintain a balance that allows me to live up to my parental and marital responsibilities and still explore this wonderful side of my personality.

It ain't easy because if it was everyone would do it. Stay strong sister
This hits the nail on the head and says it all

[LACD]

Emmi we all feel for you. I came out fully to my Dear Wife a little over 3 years ago and it has been a lot better since. I know the feeling of wnating to go out and tell others, but I don't think they would still accept me. I know my sons wouldn't. I know I am very lucky to have the Lady I have in my life. She accepts me for who and what I am. Hopefully one day you can have that also. By the way, this coming Janurary we will celebrate our 36th anniversary. Just remember the ladies here are a great help. I know they have helped me to accept me for myself for who I am. May you have love and peace.

[Jonianne]

Emmi, your post touched me and I thought for a while as to how to respond. I know it is of little comfort but yours is a common plight of us humans.

A quote form Henry David Thoreau:

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

[Kelsy]

Emmi,

It seems that it is part a parcel in the life of a Cder to feel alone! For me and many others the need to keep things under wraps tends to isolate. The desire to come out increases. I have to balance my desire to be true to myself with my desire not to damage the most important relationships I cherish. Always walking a fine line. I am truly thankful for this forum where we can give and get support and gain a sense belonging!!

:hugs:Kelsy

[Sarah...]

I do empathise Emmi, I really do. I was in the same boat for years. And it was just dreadful. Utterly lonely and desructive. However, I'm not having any of that anymore. This isn't a rehearsal - this is the full performance and I for one am not missing out on enjoying who I am. So I have told friends, I have told family and I am moving towards being female 24/7 (as perceived by others). There is no other logical way.

My wife is having increasing difficulty not referring to me as my male name in those circles in which I'm still male, she much prefers to be around Sarah and would rather Sarah was here all the time for all to see.

I don't know if it's the way I've told people or how they've always seen me or how they all are as human beings but telling all these people has caused no problems at all. Not one. It seems I am now a daughter, a girlfriend, a girl-friend and a sister. The only common thing amongst all these people is that I talk to them all the time, listen to concerns and keep no secrets. They've all responded positively to this open communication so I keep it up.

I don't say all this to influence anyone - just to note that, yes, it was lonely. Now it isn't and that is such an utterly great thing.

Sarah...

[ReineD]

Hi Em, I don't know if this will be a consolation to you, but even if you were in a relationship with a partner deeply involved in the CDing, there would be times when you would still prefer to experience the world out on your own. You would discover that sharing it with one person is not enough, and you would wish to expand your horizons, meet others, and experience being femme without always having the constraints of an SO, just as anyone does in a relationship that doesn't involve CDing.

So a solution might be to proceed as if you are in a relationship already, and start forming a separate social network for yourself. My SO has accomplished this by finding local CD support groups and attending their events, meeting local people through her femme myspace page and developing relationships with them, participating in local GLBT events (church groups, the local gay bar) and eventually getting to know the players and performers better, making friends with other customers who also attend these events and beginning to see them socially, finding places in the mainstream (restaurants, cafes, book shops, art galleries) she felt safe in, going on a regular basis and eventually being on speaking terms with the business owners.

You might even connect with the site members here who do go out and begin doing things with them?
:hugs:

[mklinden2010]

Interesting question - which proposes it's own solution.

Just get out of the closet. Honestly, I cannot imagine what people think is going to happen if they get killed in the morning commute and someone has to clean out their closets after they're gone. Do you really want to dump that situation on someone else? Do you really want your family to think they never knew you? What if you get killed trying to get your bra strap undone and wreck your car and they find you tangled up in your underwear? What if they come home early and you trip in your heels and fall down the basement stairs? Keeping secrets and hiding eventually catches up to everyone. Avoid disaster and deal with the situation in a better way. The world will not end just because you come out of the closet on your own terms. It might even make the world a better place!

Crossdressing can take many forms. Pick one and promote it. You can be "more" liberal than you used to be politically and offer that everyone should be able to do what they want to do as adults - and go out crossdressed to make a point. You can be more outgoing socially and praise the "acts" we all see where men dress as women to entertain an audience - offer a dinner and show, your treat, some night. You can announce you're not sure that the church's view of this or that is your view any longer and you think it does more harm than good to be so down on people. You can even come out with a "mid-life" crisis and start doing "new" things. It's your life, do something good with it.

Halloween... Over ten years ago I began refusing to crossdress anywhere near Halloween. Too many bad costumes and too many mixed-up people doing desperate things. Presidents Day... Be Dolly Madison. Be Martha Washington. Be a guy in a wig... No wait, all those guys did that, didn't they? Arbor Day... Be Mother Nature. Labor Day... Be Rosey the Riviter. Secretary's Day... Oh, hell, be the boss and wear you best heels!

The support groups, for a "first timers," can be great. Just make sure that after the "sighing and the crying" you can go out for coffee, or, to go hear some live music. Late night venues need the business and after you've made up your mind to get out to support "your" community then go support the places that stay open late - they need the money and appreciate yours!

Have a good trip!

[Tootsye]

Emmi,
If there is a Tri Ess group anywhere near you, please contact them. I am the facilitator for our group in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. I talk to and visit with cross dressers all the time that feel as you do. We are organized to help those that are in exactly the place you are. We provide a safe and secure place to meet with people who will be non judgemental and totally supportive. The very best thing is that you may make social contacts the will provide you with the associations that you so desire. It worked for me. I now go out two or three times per week with four or five different friends. Not all at the same time, of course, but sometimes it is Rikki, or Diane, or Terri, or Barbara or Michelle. We also meet all together once per month.
I hope it works for you!
Tootsye

[JenniferR771]

Been there--I feel for you, Emmi. When you are ready, just start with baby steps. Underdress--fun isn't it? I started with Halloween at the thrift shop and the ladies were nice, helping me pick out a whole outfit. Sometimes I get dressed or wear some jeans and a neutral top. Drive somewhere. And just wait until i have the courage to put on the wig and grab my purse. Walk a hundred feet and come back. Calm down for a few minutes and try it again. And if my nerve fails--I can always go back home. There is always tomorrow.
A support group is also a fun time. Its is great--except the first time--I found I was in the wrong room. EEEk! Our group allows you to change on site so a lot of people brought gym bags with finery inside.

[Jennifer Giovannetta]

Spoken like a true crossdresser. We do not intend to hurt anyone. We want to express ourselves. Its something we were born with. We cannot help it. We are caring husbands, brothers, sons. It is extremely frustrating. I long for the day to go out and wear the CLOTHING I want to wear. Its that simple. But society disapproves.

[almalove]

In my case, I like to come here to hear and post what I think, but once Im out there in the every day world, It is so lonely.......... I even try to see if there is any other person that feels like I do but no luck and I'm thinking about CDimg most of the day too, I hope out there is some one that could expllain CDing, if I ever had to do it I just could not even began to , it's just there, As far as copingh goes, I have tried and the best I have been able to do is deal with it one day at a time, good luck, if you or any body else wants to talk about it dorp me a IM or an E-mail.

LOVE ALMA.

[justmetoo]

emmicd, I empathize with what you are saying. ReineD offers some excellent advice and insight, as usual.

Speaking for myself, as a guy who enjoys some "girly" stuff, but doesn't want to present as fully female it's difficult. The CD groups seem to expect full female personas, names, etc. Whereas I usually just want to mix things up, maybe just a skirt, some jewelry, maybe some makeup (but usually it's too hot here for much of it) or perfume, lingerie, but no wig or breastforms, and basically just be myself according to whatever mood I'm in. But being a very shy person I am almost phobic when it comes to doing anything that might draw attention to myself. So I stay in my closet and enjoy my time there. This forum helps me feel less lonely about it.
I guess for some of us it's "easier said than done".

[bah-bah-bobbie]

In some way I feel isolated because of my crossdressing, in that same way I enjoy it. It's ME time. Something I can keep to myself, for myself and share with noone. Even though I wish I could. I'm glad I found this site. I wish I had more time to spend here, sharing with others like myself. This is by no means face to face person to person conversations, but it's close enough to keep me from going insane from isolation. Even if I did meet another crossdresser in person I would love the conversation topics we could have, but I just cannot picture myself being dressed in front of another. Habit of a long time closeted crossdresser, lack of self acceptance, call it what you will, I just make the best with what I have.

[Farrah]

I too feel your pain. There are times I wish I could get all dolled up for church. I love to see women get dressed for church. I would love to talk to someone about how cute an outfit is, but I can only observe, b/c I would go on and on if I commented and will probably be outed.

[sometimes_miss]

For me, it really helps to have a great imagination; daydream a lot, just close your eyes and imagine doing all the things you want to do as your 'girl' self. I watch movies imagining myself as the female character, or sometimes sing along with a female vocalist and pretend I am the one who is famous for having a hit recording. I watch football games while wearing a cute cheer uniform, and pretend I'm really one of the girls on the sidelines of the game. Stuff like that. I focus on what I can do, instead of what I can't. It's all about enjoying the little things in life. Like the difference in how a pair of nylon panties feels, as opposed to cotton jockey shorts. Or how it feels (and looks) to have long beautiful hair cascading down my neck, shoulders, arms and back. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

[docrobbysherry]

But, since coming out long enough to discover this, and other web sites about a year ago, Sherry has changed from a shrinking violet, into an exhibitionist!:eek:

Seems to be enough for me rite now. CDing is private and personal for me. Not sure I'd want involve anyone else at this point.:o

Maybe come out and meet some of u, is all that comes to mind! Maybe at a national conference, as Deja mentioned?:)

[Alice Torn]

I might be willing t go to a ccccconference, if it was closer, and not expensive. my first time out, i went to a town two hrs away, to a motel. At dark, snuck out the door, to my car, finished dressing, in car, then drove, and got gas at severaal stations, walked a few minutes, drove back, put pants, and guy soes, guy knit hat, and guy coat on, walked back to my motel room, bbut was stopped and talked to by some other motel guests. They may have suspected, but i was ok, and went in my room, and changed. The next night, a cop pulled me over, but he was nice, and was not bothered by my lady clothes. It is easier for us singles, in that we don't have mates, or children, that could be adversely affected. It is better if we have other hobbies, besides CD, that are more social, like sports, music, animals, many other things.

[ReineD]

Speaking for myself, as a guy who enjoys some "girly" stuff, but doesn't want to present as fully female it's difficult. The CD groups seem to expect full female personas, names, etc. Whereas I usually just want to mix things up, maybe just a skirt, some jewelry, maybe some makeup (but usually it's too hot here for much of it) or perfume, lingerie, but no wig or breastforms, and basically just be myself according to whatever mood I'm in. But being a very shy person I am almost phobic when it comes to doing anything that might draw attention to myself. So I stay in my closet and enjoy my time there. This forum helps me feel less lonely about it.
I guess for some of us it's "easier said than done".

The goal for most of the people who go to the CD group my SO attends is to pass, but not everyone. One person who attends regularly and is even an official (secretary or treasurer maybe?) is always in guy mode and has not dressed in years. The person who played Santa came straight from work and didn't even bother dressing, as he knew he would be posing as Santa. There are members who do not wear forms or makeup, as there are some who are fully transitioned. People attend who have been doing this for years, while others are just starting out and have no clue how to go about it.

My SO attended for many years before she felt comfortable going out to other places in public. And she was terrified at first too, but it does get much easier. The fear is internal, and you will discover that the world will not react to you the way you think it will. The vast majority of the reactions will be beyond civil .. they will be positive!!

It is true what Katie B said, that it becomes easier after you find at least one other person who will accept you, and this is precisely why the support groups were formed! All the members have at one point been where you are now, and I am sure they understand that CDing is individual and not everyone has the same goals.

I have a suggestion in terms of a name .. the first 2 initials of your ID here. JM. Jay Emme. Or the female version of your other name.

But, if you are perfectly comfortable CDing privately and have no wish to interact with anyone, this is OK too!
:hugs:

[DanaR]

I think that most of us have gone through exactly what you are experiencing; I know that I have. I just couldn't deal with the by "myself aspect" of crossdressing and ventured out. It seemed like I would hurry and get dressed and all made up, and then take it all off.

There have been some great ideas mentioned and I hope that you venture out and find your niche.

[beenherelongtime]

it is a difficult decision to tell loved ones. you can tell a friend and if she or he rejects you, it will not hurt as much as a family member doing the same thing. you can try to slowly leak things to your wife, and if the responses are bad, withdraw. if she accepts, then she could help you with the children or you parents. other than that, good luck

[sherib]

emmcid, I could not have said it any better.

[il.dso]

very intense stuff, this crossdressing.
so glad we have this forum to share our pleasures and pain.
best wishes to you all.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Emmi,

After years in my closet, got to know it quite well, I am free and out - my spouse accepts me and we can talk and share - you really need someone to talk and share with. If not a spouse, then your sisters here on this website.

JoAnne Wheeler

[pedraurso]

I know that is very difficult to stay like this.
I am a closed crossdresser for plus than 50 years.
Stay with us and enjoy yoursefl for , here, all of us love you.

Kissies

Pedraurso

:hugs::love::drink:

[sherib]

If I was 6" shorter and lost 50lbs, I would try going out. But being 6' tall in my stocking feet, weighing 200 lbs.. I don't think I could pass. Nobody wants to be laugh at or ridicule. I have to be satified with being in my small closet.

[Janet Bern]

Sheri,
I am 6'3 and have gone out dressed. I am 185 and wear a 14/16 dress or skirt. With a good wig and good makeup and dressed conservatively you will pass. I go to malls and have lunch and noone even turns a head. I have had my SO follow me to check reaction and there were NONE. So dont feel you cant pass. People are going about their business and are too preoccupied to search for CD's. That is the last thing on their mind.
Janet

[sherib]

Thanks for the insentive Janet Bern, now I guess all I need is the courage to do it.

[Helen 2]

I was closeted for over two dozen years, 'released' myself with the help of a dear, close friend who is very active in the Portland Gay/Lesbian circles.

I shared my crossdressing with her and she was totally cool with it. One day she asked me how often I leave the house in my femme personna and of course, I said 'never, I'm too afraid', so she offered to accompany me for my first time out.

She came over early on the day we agreed to, she helped me finish my makeup and we left together for eight hours of shopping, lunch, and later, movies.

Was I read? Sure! But I had a lovely GG with me to support me....

Since then, I venture out and about confidently....I just dont do it here in my hometown.

Get a friend to help...makes it a lot easier...

[Sally24]

I certainly feel like I would love to be seen in pretty clothes and express my femininity but I dare not!

I certainly agree with the comment about conventions. There is one that is 4.5 hours away from you coming up next month. http://tcne.org/FirstEvent/FirstEvent.html

You might find that going to a TG event every so often would help you deal with the loneliness of it all. Then again you could find that it opens the flood gates to wanting to be more out than you can handle in your situation. I find that the more I go out in public, the more I want. It can be hard to balance with the needs of your male life, since many of us never intend to go full time.

Good luck and know that you are not alone in this!

[tanyalynn51]

This can be the lonliest of all worlds, as I well know. This site has been a lifeline for me, as some of the others mentioned. I cant go to a local group, because of the chance I could be recognized by the wrong people, and the big conferences are expensive. I hope the right person will come along for me.

[Carly D.]

To me the major aspect of my crossdressing is that it is a big secret and virtually no one knows it and it also is a very lonely experience for something that brings much joy. I have been a crossdresser for 43 of my 47 years of living since I started at the tender age of 4.

I very much enjoy my crossdressing time when I get to dress. I also enjoy my shopping time.

The common thread with my dressing and shopping is that I do it always by myself. I feel in a way it is a lonely and sad part of my crossdressing experiences. I don't get to share it and deep down I feel it would be really cool to go out in a real pretty dress and get all dolled up.

I love to dress and it seems I will never ever be able to stop dressing. I feel like it is something I really have to do to keep going. I also have a family I love and live for too. They bring great joy in my life and they are my support system. I also feel I will never be able to dress for a party and wear the pretty clothes I like. I never even wore a dress for Halloween. I would love to wear a pretty holiday dress for Christmas if I could but it's not possible.

How do closet crossdressers cope with this isolation, desire to dress and acceptance that they will only dress alone?

I certainly feel like I would love to be seen in pretty clothes and express my femininity but I dare not!

I am a closet crossdresser who so much loves to dress but can only do it occasionally and always by myself!

emmi

WOW!!! this could so easily have been written by me.. almost to a "T".. I feel the same.. in fact I responded to some other post about the pictures I have taken of myself dressed up and some of these I am fairly proud of but know that I'll never feel like I can show them to anyone.. I recently set my privacy settings at myspace to open to the public, and will leave it that way until the first of the new year and then set it back to friends only.. I don't think anyone I know will find it but there's always that first person that might.. I'm afraid more about being exited from the family, sort of cut out of functions and all.. even though I'm the same person I was before they found out..

[Rikki54]

Emmi there is a tri ess in port washington
Long Island New York Area
NU SIGMA TAU FORMING CHAPTER
PO Box 344
Port Washington, NY 11050
Phone: 516-205-1806
Contact: Lauren Mitchell
E-Mail: nu_sigma_tau@yahoo.com
Web Site: http://www.geocities.com/nu_sigma_tau

:hugs: