Would like your input, please...

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Over the past few months that I and my husband have been members here, I have read that many have felt that their TG was discovered at a very young age. So my question is, if you see these signs in a small child, what is the best way to approach it? Do you outwardly encourage them? Do you just let them evolve on their own?
Maybe a better question is, what is it a parent SHOULD NOT do, I mean besides the obvious, being hurtful or cruel, etc...
(GAWD! I couldn't even imagine!)
If this situation is similar to yours, what is it you would have had YOUR parents do differently?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and time...
:)

[Tristen Cox]

I would say the only things to NOT do is push anything or ask questions directly. Let them come to you or express themselves on their own, but leave the doors open(so to speak). Just MHO :)

[womantrapped2005]

let them go through it themselves, but be there for emtional support if they need it

[Ashley Allison]

I really wish my parents hadn't kept me from dressing. :mad:

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Thanks so much Tristen, that is kind of the way we are doing it, but it seems that the questions are becoming more direct now, (he is 4) such as, "Mommy, can I be a girl when I grow up?" "Mommy, can I have those pink sandals?" My answers have been, to these two questions at least, a) "When you grow up, you can be anything you want to be" and b) "I don't see your size."

I guess the thing is lately, I find myself not having answers and as he gets older, vague just isn't working much. When he was 2, even 3, that was OK and seemed to satisfy his questions.

I also don't want to be in the position, for his sake, to be at a loss for words. I am not sure at what age would be appropriate to breech this subject or if "old enough" even applies. With Gem's CDing, it is much easier because, well, he's an adult. I am struggling with trying to find a healthy, appropriate way to do this correctly with a child.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I really wish my parents hadn't kept me from dressing. :mad:

I don't stop him. He plays "dress up" and Barbies and prefers to play with the girl over the boys most times and that is just fine with me.

[mand]

A very good question Pattie I wish I could give you a good answer but I don't really know. I would think that let them evolve on their own but be ready to offer support when they need it, because they will need it.
I always wish that I had some one to discuss being TG with as I grew up, I think if I had I would have lived a totally different life, instead of trying to be someone/thing that I wasn't.

As for my parents, if they had found out I would have been in serious trouble, my father liked to use his fists to quickly and my mother only cared about herself.
Infact the last time I ever spoke to them was when I was 18, my dad went to hit me (he was good at that) but that day I was faster, that was the day I left home.
So I never had anyone at all to talk to unitill I came out to Jane (my wife) when I was 37 (6 years ago).


love mand xxx

[Tristen Cox]

Depending on his maturity five or even six 'maybe' But as for approaching it with him you will have to explain the down sides like being a boy in public and being a girl in private. The separation thing it what you will have to work on unless you can find that he in TS then you open a new ball of wax. At that point you have to concider therapy to find out if he should become a female full time early on while it can be smoothly done. Not later in his teens. I don't know all the psysiology but I the cromosomes(sp?) will play the part defining how long is too long to wait. In any event it may just be crossdressing and nothing else. Only time will tell how far that goes. Support and encouragement are the keys. I know you're the best one for the job ;)

[Wendy me]

rember that talking to him , just might make him scared or feel like he has done something wrong.....i would not incrouage it or discourage it eather .....just go easy and let him be ...in young mind it can be confuseing to him ...by being too envolved
it might push him eather way....when the time is right ....you bouth will know....rember every thing babby steps....but you know that....

i would say if something comes up that you need to address the issue then in a loveing mom way do what needs to be done....

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I have to say, it really has never been an issue. "Lil Cub" has always just done want makes him happy, e.i dress up, Barbies, dolls, etc. I have always know that he was very special. Starting the day he was born.
I, of course will love and support him, (or her for that matter), which ever path in life is chosen. As long as he is happy, what more could a parent want? I do believe that you are right Tristen and therapy should be initiated soon. I want the very best for all my children and will do all I can for them.

I guess I am just afraid of making the wrong moves or wrong decisions and making life even harder on him than it may be.

[Melissa A.]

I agree that forcing a young cd to talk about it may backfire as they may be mortified simply that someone knows. I know I was. On the other hand, part of me wishes someone had found a way to let me know that there was nothing wrong with it. My mom did try, even offering to give me some old clothes(I lived with my Dad, and got caught stealing from his girlfriend) but I was too embarrassed to talk about it. I do agree that baby steps are called for, and lots of love. But don't ever say, "I love you no matter what", this implies he is doing something wrong.

The subject may come up, whether the parent wants it to or not. You may walk in on him dressing, or a female house member may notice things missing. Many young cds start off by "borrowing". They are young, have no money, and are too embarrassed to buy stuff any way. In that case, they need to be made aware, without lots of anger and shouting, if possible, that violating other people's privacy and taking their things is wrong, no matter the reason.

Let them know, if they don't want to discuss it, that you are always there if they need to. That there is nothing wrong with being who you are. And that they are loved.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Sigrid]

There's alot to be considered in Kathy's post from another thread...
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=141799&postcount=24
Her advice is good, but came a few years late for me.

I have a son who is now going on 12. At the age of 5 dressed in his younger sisters princess costume. My wife took pictures, I tore them up (now I regret that, though I bet the negatives are still around somewhere). This year he went to school with his hair like Pipi Longstockings (Crazy hair day at school) and used his sister's pink hair clips to put it up that way. He also came home on day with his finger nails painted red (marking pen, actually). He said some girl did it to/for him. I told him to clean his nails before going back to school. Again I regret having told him to do that.

A few weeks later, having felt uneasy to my reaction to the nail thing, I wanted to show him that I really would accept this behavior and that he shouldn't ever feel shame for expressing himself. One night as he, his sister and I were watching TV, I casually reached over and picked up a bottle of clear nail polish and began to put it on my own nails. After a few minutes he asked what I was doing, I just said I was goofing around. I then asked my daughter if she would like me to do her nails, she declined. I then jokingly asked my son, he said "sure". I painted all his nails

My daughter decided that she wanted her's done afterall and began to put on some red polish. I recomended a pink color, she looked at it and said "that's not pink, it's white". To proove my point, I painted my pinky with it. I left it that way for a couple weeks, and he noticed but it didn't bother him and hopefully he now know's that when he does it, it won't bother me.

I'm trying to find the answers to the same questions you've asked. All I can say is let them be who he want's to be. All I know for sure is do not discourage him and do not lie to him...

[Tristen Cox]

Pattie here's something you may have missed but I believe it's a good read when you have time, and certain aspects 'may' have bearing on this issue:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9088

From Topaz

[DonnaT]

Pattie,

I would say at his age, let him be himself. When he get to school age, then limits may (more than likely) need to be set. Sometimes these things are just phases, and he may not be gender-variant.

I've read a few stories from parents of TS children that had the courage to let their son (or daughter) attend school as a girl (or boy) once it was determined that the problems they were having in school were indeed gender related. When they did this, the childs outlook and grades improved dramatically.

There is a very good guide at:
http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildrens/about/subclinical/subneuroscience/subgender/guide.aspx

[Krissi]

Patty,

I'll relate some of my experiences from that age and how my parents handled them. I was an only child up til the age of 8, but I had a female cousin that lived a few houses down that was a month older than me. Everyone thought we were twins and since we kinda lived out in the country there weren't a lot of playmates for me to choose from. Just like your son we would play dress up, and we'd put make up on each other, and likewise she'd play GI Joe with me and go swing from trees like Tarzan. You shoud see some of the pictures of us from age 3 and 4 just in a pair of shorts and other than the ponytail in her hair you can't tell us apart. Our parents took the, look how cute the kids are playing together road until Kindergarten. Around that time the you're a boy you don't need to do that popped up. Now as usual she didn't get the lil girls don't act like that speech since both her mom and mine were tomboys.

Now do I think that those times as a child made me a crossdresser...no. I think that was just innocent childhood stuff. Now what I had on the other side of that was a Grandmother that lived next door that thought I was such a cute lil "cowgirlyboy." My family is a lot like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, into each generation 1 girl is born. My mom has 4 brothers, she has 1 aunt and 3 uncles, our generation I have 1 female cousin and 6 male cousins, and so on. So there's a lot of you should have been a girl talk in our family. I think that has more to do with my dressing than any time playing as a young kid. That and I always hear what pretty eyes and eyelashes I have, and when I was younger, what great legs I had. Well that and girls have the coolest clothes...lol.

As I dressed later as a teen, my parents never caught me and if they knew have never said anything. I don't think its something that you can sit down and have a stern, Leave it to Beaver talk about or else the child is going to feel shamed, embarrased, and threatened. If they come to you and ask, then its okay I think, other than that, I think if you know keep tabs and offer quiet guidence where you can.

But at the age he's at now, I don't know how much worry to have. Let time take its course for a few years, keep an eye on how he acts and if he outgrows it, you can lay off, if he's gonna dress it'll come on big time around puberty. Seems like all of us really took our big interest starting around 10-13. Thats where the urge gets us, does it have roots in those childhood days, maybe, maybe not, but its that time that the kid will take this lifestyle on.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Where else could one find such caring, intelligent people? I am so lucky!!!

Though he was born a boy, I do wonder, if just because his body was male, does that necessarily mean his emotions and brain pattern were too? I know he is young and time will tell and this very well may be a "phase", but for the little time he has been on this earth, already a third of his life he has made it clear that he wants to be a girl. I don't ask questions, I NEVER would tell him he was wrong, I just let him be.
More research and learning is what I plan on doing.

Please keep giving me your input, Ladies. It is of great value to me, really. Gem, surprisingly enough, has little to nothing to say on this subject. Another issue for me to think about, I suppose... UGH! I have a brain cramp!
LOL!

Time to get ready for work, but I will be back later tonight...
Again, thank you all so very much!

[Stephenie]

You seem to be the mom all of us would have wanted. As a father, step father of many kids I would advise just letting him be a kid for now. He really won't be a boy or a girl until he starts school and is away for home and in society with out you. Till then he will be just your child. Enjoy it all to soon he'll know everything and won't need you :eek: :cry: .

[Lisa Maren]

Hi there

I told my mother only a few years back (4 or 5) that I am a CDer and I think I'm partly transgendered (or maybe bigendered would be a better word for it).

First, I made the mistake of telling her on father's day (it was while we were out of the house taking a walk alone, but still a bad choice). There was probably no such thing as a good time to tell my mother that I'm a CD and possibly bigendered, though, but on father's day? Oh well.

She tried to be loving about it, but her emotions got the better of her. She had a very rigidly traditional upbringing (including being very catholic) for reasons beyond her control. I don't want to go into detail because it might be too revealing of my real indentity, but suffice it to say that she and her family had a great deal more motivation than the vast majority of us never to transgress societally established boundaries.

I don't blame her for feeling a lot of emotions -- for heaven sake, I hardly expected her to just take that in like the days weather report or something! lol

But I'm her son.

What I needed from her was her reassurance that she loves me the way I am and that what I am is okay. She told me she loved me but did next to nothing to reassure me about the rest. Maybe that's why I'm still afraid to this day of my CDing causing problems for my family.

Another mistake she made was to tell me not to tell my father. She said he was under a great deal of stress (and he honestly was). Unfortunately, all that did was emphasize to me that she felt that what I am is not okay and is something to keep hidden.

It will probably also help to know that I still love my mom very much and still see her often. Her response was much less than reassuring, but hey, she's a human being.

Hope this helps!
Lisa

[misty_waves]

Hi Pattie -

Let me start by saying that you are my hero. I am so touched to know that a little boy like your son is so lucky to have someone like you as his mother. He has been extremely blessed, and one day, he will tell you that. I was exactly like your son when I was a little boy, and I have vivid memories of my entire childhood. My parents did not always handle my difference in the best way, but they also did not handle it in the worst way (especially considering that it was the 80s, and still not *quite* as accepting as the 90s or today... we also lived out in the country).

When I was little, I loved playing with dolls. There was something so magical about them and something I connect with. All I ever wanted for Christmas my ENTIRE childhood was a Jem doll, and I told everyone I encountered who I thought might get me one. Year after year, I poured my heart into writing a letter to Santa telling him about my one and only wish. And year after year, I was disappointed.

Now, on the positive side, my parents did give me one Barbie hand-me-down (not as good as Jem, but still, ha ha) and they did not appear to have any major problems with me playing with that doll, although I did sense an awkwardness. When we went to toy stores, my dad would walk with me in the doll aisle, because he knew that's what I was into. We've talked about it since, and he said that it was awkward doing that... many of the women with their daugthers would look at us strangely. But as a child, I NEVER noticed any of that. Today, I appreciate that my dad had enough courage to not care what others thought about him or his son.

As I grew up, it became much more difficult and that was mostly due to the public school I went to. In fact, just this past semester, I took a course on Gender & Culture at my college and realized just how powerful of a social influence school is. Your son may face criticisms, abuses, and injustices just as I did as a kid. But when I went home, my parents always showed me unconditional love; they encourage me to be true to myself and never care what others think.

That contrast of school life with public life trained me to lead a double-life, which I basically still live today. My parents made my home a haven, and I thank them for that. They always made it clear that I could be myself at home, but they always prepared me for the reality that many people in the outside world would hassle me. I suppose some would view this approach as postive, others would view it as negative.

I apologize for writing a book here, but I wanted to share my child/parent experience with you because I wish someone could have done the same with my parents. The major pieces of advice that I would give would be: don't make him feel ashamed of his difference (which I know from reading your post, you wouldn't). What that would do is cause him to either rebel against you and himself or to hide parts of himself that will ultimately make it difficult for him to find any direction in life.

I also think it's important to make him aware of how others will harass him. But remind him that ALL people are picked on for one thing or another, and that there are simply different "tribes" of people that subscribe to different beliefs and approaches to life and that often, these tribes clash. There is a tribe of people like him out there, and no matter how alone he may feel, he never is. (This is where it would be appropriate to plug my favorite childhood movie, "The Last Unicorn"... as a child, that movie spoke to something inside me, and it wasn't until adulthood that I realized that it related to my feeling utterly alone as a child.)

Whew... I'm sorry to have taken up so much space... but if my experience can make another child's life better, it is more worth it to me than anything.

- Misty

[mand]

Pattie, I'll just add a little more to my earlier post, I honestly believe that if I had parents that were approachable then life would have been different/easier for me.
I think that allowing him to express himself and making clear that you are always there if he needs you sounds good to me.
By you being approachable it will make things so much better for him.


love mand xxx

[Elysia]

Dear Pattie, your love of your child shines through brightly. That will be your guiding light. Let him be who he is and evolve at his own pace into what he wants to be. Don’t push anything too hard but always be encouraging and of course always be approachable.

But... you know it’s easy to say but hard to do. I think your love will give you the energy to keep trying to do whatever you think is the right thing, as best as you can, moment by moment.

When my son was around 4 (I’m not sure exactly how old he was) he started to enjoy dressing up in his mom’s old clothes. We ended up buying him lots of costumes, a cowboy outfit, a batman outfit, etc, and some lovely party dresses and costume jewelry from Salvation Army. He wore them whenever he wanted and we’d explain that he could wear whatever he wanted while at home but that when he went to school or out somewhere he had to wear clothes designed for those activities, just like daddy had to wear a particular kind of clothes for work.

He seemed fine with this concept. Sometimes while at home he’d just feel like putting on a dress and so he did. He wore the dresses far more than anything else but we’d acted no differently if it were a dress or a cowboy outfit. He even said a few times it was really nice being a girl, we always agreed that it was.

Then around 9 he lost interest. He just didn’t seem interested in costumes anymore. Maybe he’ll go back to it, maybe not; whatever he chooses will be fine with us. If he does come back to it, we will explain that outside the safety of our family he may experience negative feedback if challenges gender norms.

Regardless, we will try to encourage him to be a person with the strength of his convictions. We don’t want him to be so beholden to peer group pressure that he does things that are destructive or in conflict with his personal values. I guess no caring parent can avoid that issue. The potential issues seem endless. It’s easy to be consumed with worry but we’ve got through the first 11 years and so far he’s turning out great. We love him very much.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Hi Pattie -

Let me start by saying that you are my hero. I am so touched to know that a little boy like your son is so lucky to have someone like you as his mother. He has been extremely blessed, and one day, he will tell you that. I was exactly like your son when I was a little boy, and I have vivid memories of my entire childhood. My parents did not always handle my difference in the best way, but they also did not handle it in the worst way (especially considering that it was the 80s, and still not *quite* as accepting as the 90s or today... we also lived out in the country).

When I was little, I loved playing with dolls. There was something so magical about them and something I connect with. All I ever wanted for Christmas my ENTIRE childhood was a Jem doll, and I told everyone I encountered who I thought might get me one. Year after year, I poured my heart into writing a letter to Santa telling him about my one and only wish. And year after year, I was disappointed.

Now, on the positive side, my parents did give me one Barbie hand-me-down (not as good as Jem, but still, ha ha) and they did not appear to have any major problems with me playing with that doll, although I did sense an awkwardness. When we went to toy stores, my dad would walk with me in the doll aisle, because he knew that's what I was into. We've talked about it since, and he said that it was awkward doing that... many of the women with their daugthers would look at us strangely. But as a child, I NEVER noticed any of that. Today, I appreciate that my dad had enough courage to not care what others thought about him or his son.

As I grew up, it became much more difficult and that was mostly due to the public school I went to. In fact, just this past semester, I took a course on Gender & Culture at my college and realized just how powerful of a social influence school is. Your son may face criticisms, abuses, and injustices just as I did as a kid. But when I went home, my parents always showed me unconditional love; they encourage me to be true to myself and never care what others think.

That contrast of school life with public life trained me to lead a double-life, which I basically still live today. My parents made my home a haven, and I thank them for that. They always made it clear that I could be myself at home, but they always prepared me for the reality that many people in the outside world would hassle me. I suppose some would view this approach as postive, others would view it as negative.

I apologize for writing a book here, but I wanted to share my child/parent experience with you because I wish someone could have done the same with my parents. The major pieces of advice that I would give would be: don't make him feel ashamed of his difference (which I know from reading your post, you wouldn't). What that would do is cause him to either rebel against you and himself or to hide parts of himself that will ultimately make it difficult for him to find any direction in life.

I also think it's important to make him aware of how others will harass him. But remind him that ALL people are picked on for one thing or another, and that there are simply different "tribes" of people that subscribe to different beliefs and approaches to life and that often, these tribes clash. There is a tribe of people like him out there, and no matter how alone he may feel, he never is. (This is where it would be appropriate to plug my favorite childhood movie, "The Last Unicorn"... as a child, that movie spoke to something inside me, and it wasn't until adulthood that I realized that it related to my feeling utterly alone as a child.)

Whew... I'm sorry to have taken up so much space... but if my experience can make another child's life better, it is more worth it to me than anything.

- Misty
But Misty, as I sat tonight and read your post, it brought tears to me eyes. Actually, more than just tears. The issues he will have to deal with outside of our home, outside of our love, our understanding and protection, is what I fear most. I have read so much about the anguish, the isolation, the harassment, the ridicule, the criminal behavior inflicted on the TG population, the forced double life, the confusion, the depression, the thoughts of self-loathing and suicide, the list goes on. In all reality, I have not just read it, but have seen most of it within my own husband's life and the others in the daily lives of TG friends I have had in my life. I would lay down my life, literally, to save him from that, but how could I do that? How could I ever save him from this vicious, horrid society we are forced to live in? It scares me to death. It already has started. At this young age. His pre-K teacher has already told me that he was having problems because he always played with the girls and the boys made fun of him. I know that as most have said here, this could be a phase, but what if it is not? In my heart of hearts, I cannot say I completely agree.
This is my child. I know him and love him like no one else in this world. Besides his Father, (No, not Gem, though Gem loves him so very much), that we lost to cancer over 3 years ago now. I will never forget his Father's words the moment he was born. He picked him up and held him in his arms and said to "lil cub", "You are just so beautiful, you should have been a girl." Those words still stand true. And no, his Dad was not a Cder. as far as I know. He just spoke from his heart, as he looked upon that little face for the first time. And in all honesty, that still stands true today. He is beautiful. Huge blue eyes, small build, blonde, curly hair to die for and a sweet, loving, but sometimes wicked disposition.
I know I cannot save him from the world. The problem is explaining that to my heart. My problem with all of this, is not my baby or whom he will grow to be, it is the life he will be forced to lead, thanks to the way society is.

Thank you every one, everything that you have said has touched my heart and pricked my mind. It is just that tonight, I cannot find the strength to answer everyone individually.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Dear Pattie, your love of your child shines through brightly. That will be your guiding light. Let him be who he is and evolve at his own pace into what he wants to be. Don’t push anything too hard but always be encouraging and of course always be approachable.

But... you know it’s easy to say but hard to do. I think your love will give you the energy to keep trying to do whatever you think is the right thing, as best as you can, moment by moment.

When my son was around 4 (I’m not sure exactly how old he was) he started to enjoy dressing up in his mom’s old clothes. We ended up buying him lots of costumes, a cowboy outfit, a batman outfit, etc, and some lovely party dresses and costume jewelry from Salvation Army. He wore them whenever he wanted and we’d explain that he could wear whatever he wanted while at home but that when he went to school or out somewhere he had to wear clothes designed for those activities, just like daddy had to wear a particular kind of clothes for work.

He seemed fine with this concept. Sometimes while at home he’d just feel like putting on a dress and so he did. He wore the dresses far more than anything else but we’d acted no differently if it were a dress or a cowboy outfit. He even said a few times it was really nice being a girl, we always agreed that it was.

Then around 9 he lost interest. He just didn’t seem interested in costumes anymore. Maybe he’ll go back to it, maybe not; whatever he chooses will be fine with us. If he does come back to it, we will explain that outside the safety of our family he may experience negative feedback if challenges gender norms.

Regardless, we will try to encourage him to be a person with the strength of his convictions. We don’t want him to be so beholden to peer group pressure that he does things that are destructive or in conflict with his personal values. I guess no caring parent can avoid that issue. The potential issues seem endless. It’s easy to be consumed with worry but we’ve got through the first 11 years and so far he’s turning out great. We love him very much.
I promise to respond to this in the morning, as I will to many others, but you and Sig, in particular. You have done such an outstanding job. You are such great inspirations! Thank you for taking the time to respond, as all of you have. Thank you ALL so very much...

[LindaLeeColby]

Lots of very sound advise in this thread so adding my two cents worth may be academic, but I have a neighbor who has a son that may be TG and about the same age I was in my beginnings (six).

My counsel to them (husband and wife) was to allow him his fantasies without encouraging or discouraging those times involving his sister's clothes or acts (dolls) they consider gender specific or girlish. It's often the emphasis or lack of emphasis that isolates and exaggerates one thing or another.

His sister is older so it's clear she's an influence. His sister is also as much a Tom Boy as he might be a Jane Girl so it's not clear it's something wired as much as something being tried. Obviously they have several levels of managing this beginning first with doing nothing but careful watching. Children play, are very adaptive to circumstances, and have rich fantasies most of which are about life itself. From experience as a parent, children are also not too mindful of what it might do to us as parents so it's the parents job to isolate their feelings before his over this.

If they (the parents) can't handle it, and the two I know are not sure at this point, I've suggested family counseling just so they are on the same level of understanding. It really could end up being just "child's play". Counseling can isolate specific behaviors and relate that to the parents in context to the child. On the other hand it can isolate those hang-ups with the parents as just that for the child's sake.

On a level up there is the extended family that they worry about and again I sense the parents are simply embarrassed by their son's cross dressing. A couple of members of the family have expressed their concerns over what they see as wrong (one has not said why, the other a religious nut - my words). I've suggested they, the parents, take a firm hand with those objecting, because of the way they've objected, and request ("nicely" at first) to keep their opinions to themselves.

There have been no issues at school or with peers yet but I've cautioned them that there might be and when it does come, if it comes, it's going to measure the boy's resolve as well as theirs. The inky part comes if their support is viewed as child neglect so I've suggested they review that as a possibility as well. Lastly the boy may very well be what he's playing as and if so it's going to up to his parents, not him, on how soundly he grows up with it.

Honestly though a child is still a child and I can remember that age (vaguely) when I thought that the only difference between girls and boys was in what they wore. Girls had to wear dresses and boys pants. I remember that vividly deciding at some point, with that my only logic, that I'd much rather wear dresses and be a girl. It was as simple as that.

I was fortunate that my mother, as ignorant of this as I was, was very accepting of me and allowed me those times when I wanted to be a girl. Fortunately she also cautioned me that the other boys and some of our family, if they found out, would tease me, so I learned to keep it in the closet and comfortable doing so. Remarkable, and without knowing what I was for a very long time, I still felt sound and well grounded and I've got her to thank for that.

If I had to boil all of that rhetoric down I'd counsel love, lots of love and all of the support at their command. The rest of it will always have that to fall back on. As Charlie Brown once said, "In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back."

In my case, some of the answers I've discovered, have caused me to rewrite a lot of what was in that book of life.

Hugs
Linda Lee

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Pattie,

I would say at his age, let him be himself. When he get to school age, then limits may (more than likely) need to be set. Sometimes these things are just phases, and he may not be gender-variant.

I've read a few stories from parents of TS children that had the courage to let their son (or daughter) attend school as a girl (or boy) once it was determined that the problems they were having in school were indeed gender related. When they did this, the childs outlook and grades improved dramatically.

There is a very good guide at:
http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildrens/about/subclinical/subneuroscience/subgender/guide.aspxDonna,
Thank you so much for the link. It makes me feel better to know that at least, we are on the right track.

[tammie]

HI All: I think U R doing great. Just by wondering what to do U have shown great compassion with your child. The best advice I have ever read was just given in the previous post. I think with patience U will know wht to do and when to suggest something . The only thing U must be vigilent about is protecting your son from open cruelty and violence. Some men/boys cannot accept anyone being differant and although I can't understand violence I have seen it first hand. Good luck to U mom, and your son is lucky to have U.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Pattie!

I've not yet read the other responses as I want to give an unbiased response.

what is the best way to approach it?

Let the child be who she is. Support her. Love her. Help her to cope with what she is. Help her to function in the world as it is.

Do you outwardly encourage them?

Would it not be cruel to try to force a child to be something he isn't? We encourage girls to be girls, and boys to be boys. If a child is transgendered, why wouldn't we encourage him to be what he is, transgendered?

Do you just let them evolve on their own?

Sure! Again, why not? The child is on a journey of discovery. Let her discover what she is.

what is it a parent SHOULD NOT do

Conditional love. "I love you, just not that part of you." That's not love. That's a good way to break the spirit of a person. Besides, if the parent conditionally loves their child, the child gives back the same way and finds love elsewhere.

Home should be a safe haven, a sanctuary, a place to "be". Discipline is good, I've no problem with that. What a person is wrt their sexual orientation or gender isn't subject to the whims of others. It's a part of a person's identity.

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Patti,

I wanted to post before but I am trying also to follow your signiture.You have recieved some great advice,I cannot add to it.What I would like to say is,Thank God for Mothers like you.I'm sure many of us wish we had an understanding mother.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I have gotten the best advice and support from all of you. Thank you so very much for that. It means so much to me.

I think I will do, as all agree. Just wait and see. Be there for him, always and make sure that home will always be a loving, supportive, safe haven where he can be true to himself...

I believe that everything in life really does happen for a reason and with believing that, I thought for a while that the way I am, was intended to help my Gem be who she really is and I still think that is true, but I find myself wondering lately... "Is there is a bigger picture to be seen?" Maybe this is preparation for the future, to be best equipped to help my child through the road of life and to do my best to help ease the bumps that will be encountered.

Thank you Ladies, one and all. You are the absolute best!

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Pattie!

Omg, I hadn't realized the context until after I'd responded. I didn't look at anything in the thread other than the opening post until I'd responded. I still wouldn't change my response, but you certainly have my sympathy for your situation and my respect for how you're handling it.

Fwiw, your son couldn't have been given to a better pair of parents. You folks will do well.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you and yours!

[ChristineRenee]

You and I have talked and you know how I feel Pattie. Your son is in the most capable of hands. You have both the instincts and the insight and you will do things the right way...I know this in my heart....and you do too.

You have gotten some wonderful advice in this thread...along with a lotta love and support too. I can't add much more here beyond what I have already told you. But know that we are always here for you and Gem whenever you need us, as you have been here for us. Always remember that!;)

Love always,
Chrissie Bear:)

[Lady Jayne]

Hi Pattie

I first read this post last night but decided to wait and think about my response (if any) before replying, The first thing I'd like to say is try not to worry, it's true that if he does turn out to be Transgender he will face difficulty’s and prejudice unfortunately that comes with the territory and try as you might you can't protect him from that, but you should know that the very fact that he has a mother who is so compassionate and clearly loves him unconditionally will give him the strength to cope with whatever life throws his way.

As for the questions, even at that very early age I knew I was different obviously didn't understand how and why but I was aware of something 'wrong' with me, something that mum and dad wouldn't like so I tried to be a good boy so that they would love me. The point I'm trying to make is that your son obviously feels comfortable and secure enough to be able to ask things like "can I be a girl when I grow up" That being the case I can't see the harm in asking some of your own. The next time he asks something like that rather than fog him off or trying to fudge the issue why not ask him, "would you like to be a girl?" and then ask "why do you want to be a girl?" It may be nothing more than the fact that his friends are mostly girls. It may be that he sees older boys and girls being treated differently, girls get more love and affection shown to them, boys are told they shouldn't cry ECT.

At the age of 4 the thought of growing up can be quite scary and you never know what gets into their little minds. My dad was polish and he had a cyst in the middle of his forehead, he used to tell us that it was where his horn and they cut it off, I honestly believed that all polish men had horns and when I grew up I’d get one, Obviously it’s funny now but at the time It terrified me. What I’m saying is there may be something worrying him about being a boy and that’s why he wants to be a girl, you won’t know unless you ask.


On the other hand he may genuinely feel like a girl, if that’s the case it won’t go away and you will have the opportunity to offer him the love and support that many of us never had.

I think at this early age the most important thing is not to make him feel guilty or ashamed and I know you would never do that. Elysia’s idea about boy and girl dressup costumes sounds brilliant to me, I would have loved that so much! And it would allow you to ask all sorts of questions in a none threatening way.

I hope my response has been of some help to you if only to reassure you that you’re doing the right things, What ever else happens I know that you have one lucky child who will grow up to be endlessly grateful for having had you as a mother.



Love Jayne

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hi Pattie,
Well I will answer as a clinician who has worked with children, though not per se transgendered children. I think it's an area where few clinicians specialize as most children don't reveal or fully express these aspects of themself until somewhere around pre-adolescence or in adolescence. Anyhow, my 2-cents would be to not push but also not shame. Let him express himself without judgement. Being willing to talk openly with him about his feelings and thoughts on this. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more privately about this.

Well in usual fashion I responded before I read the whole thread (sometimes just don't have the time and energy). What I will add is that you do sound like an incredible mom (as are you Tamara!). He is a very lucky boy, indeed. However, unless he has said, "I want to be a girl"; don't assume he's transgendered. The behaviours you describe are also typical of some homosexual and bisexual persons. So, don't think it is tg as it may not be.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Hi Pattie,
Well I will answer as a clinician who has worked with children, though not per se transgendered children. I think it's an area where few clinicians specialize as most children don't reveal or fully express these aspects of themself until somewhere around pre-adolescence or in adolescence. Anyhow, my 2-cents would be to not push but also not shame. Let him express himself without judgement. Being willing to talk openly with him about his feelings and thoughts on this. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more privately about this.

Well in usual fashion I responded before I read the whole thread (sometimes just don't have the time and energy). What I will add is that you do sound like an incredible mom (as are you Tamara!). He is a very lucky boy, indeed. However, unless he has said, "I want to be a girl"; don't assume he's transgendered. The behaviours you describe are also typical of some homosexual and bisexual persons. So, don't think it is tg as it may not be.

I just wanted to say thanks for responding and to clarify. He has indeed, on many occasions told me, as again just this morning as he stood in front of me with his tiara and boa, (he is just too cute!) that he wants to be a girl when he "grows up".

As far as being homosexual or bisexual? Same applies as if he should be transgendered.. I will love him, support him and cherish him, for the rest of my life...

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Ooops, maybe I didn't read closely enough. Sorry. But, again, I think that's cool and incredible that he has such loving, insightful parents:)

Wish you'd been mine, you sound like great parents!

[Cissy Suzie]

Over the past few months that I and my husband have been members here, I have read that many have felt that their TG was discovered at a very young age. So my question is, if you see these signs in a small child, what is the best way to approach it? Do you outwardly encourage them? Do you just let them evolve on their own?
Maybe a better question is, what is it a parent SHOULD NOT do, I mean besides the obvious, being hurtful or cruel, etc...
(GAWD! I couldn't even imagine!)
If this situation is similar to yours, what is it you would have had YOUR parents do differently?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and time...
:)

My sister has twin 5 year old boys, and they both like to play dressup with their older sister's clothes. One of them seems to like it WAY WAY more than the other, even to the point of carrying a Barbie lunchbox to his pre school. :eek:

He told my sister that sometimes some of the other boys laughed at his lunch box. She told him that he might expect that sometimes, but he should just do what he felt was ok.

Now, granted this is a 5 year old, he may grow out of it, but so far he shows no interest in moving away from girly things. His brother has moved on to a great extent.

Actually, my sister asked me what I thought she should do. I said just be supportive, and let him be whoever he turns out to be.

Because of this little boy, I gathered the courage to tell my sister about Suzie. This was a major decision for me, and she has been absolutely supportive of me.

My advice about what to do if you see a little boy exhibiting TG tendencies is just what I told my sister. Support the kid and let him find his way, he will anyway, and will be a lot healthier psychologically as a result of proper parental support.

I never had anyone to talk to, or confide in. It wasn't fun growing up like that.

Just my 2 cents worth, I hope it is helpful! :)

[Jerry]

Your question is a great one that we've all faced, either as kids or parents.

I have two boys and two girls and I do encourage the "socially acceptable" gender roles. I tell the boys they shouldn't wear dresses and encourage the girls to be feminine. If they do end up "cross dressing" I'm not "supportive", but I don't get upset. I just fall back to "boys don't do that".

I know. I know. I know. This is not what any of us want. But if I can encourage the social roles while they are yound, I'm hoping to spare them the anguish that we all know.

If, and when, they continue to pursue cross dressing, I'll be as supportive as I can. It's what I would have loved, and if it comes to that, I'll give that to them.

But at the same time, when I was younger, I had the feelings of, well, they're complicated feelings, but I would have also liked my dad and friends to support my masculine side.

Wow, this is hard.

Do what you think is right. The kids will ultimately recognize your honesty and appreciate that.

Sorry if I varied too far from the path, or hurt anyones' feelings.

Hog hugs. Jerry

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Kew...
No problem babe, really and thank you and all the Ladies that had such kind words for us, as parents.

Jerry, I do understand what you mean. My husband is pretty much a "silent partner" on this issue, and also a Cd'er. I do believe that he fears for our little one and also sees himself in "cub". I believe that coming to terms with this possible TG/TS'ism, will not only force himself to look closer at whom he/she is, but actually come to terms with his "new found" crossdressing. Also he knows, deep down inside, that one day he will have to come out to cub. Another one of my husband's fears. Telling anyone, never mind one of our children. (We have 5)
Though at times it is a bit frustrating, it is also completely understandable...

I was going to list all that posted, but OMG! The love and support here is like endless!
Thank you all for taking the time to respond, to share and to help. There is no where on earth that I could find any of that, but here.

Chrissie and Tristen...
Thanks for being there for me today. For listening to me rattle on and for giving so much of yourselves. So much love and compassion for me and such insight I could find nowhere else.

There was something else I was thinking about today. If I am correct about my little cub? He will have such a loving, caring, compassionate, intelligent support group...
A TON of loving Aunts to be there for him...

Thank you all!

[Julie York]

This is such a mind expanding thread.

Firstly, I think you are amazing!!! What a brilliant Mum.


But just to throw a wobbler....(who me?)

The human spirit is most free when it doesn't KNOW (i.e. been told) what the rules are.

I spent at least a week when I was 4 being an alien or dumper truck or a tank. No-one worried that I might want to grow up and actually want to be one.
My nephew was a cat for a while.
I distinctly remember my younger brother's steam roller phase.
The human spirit was FREE to be and explore whatever form or gender or being or animal it wanted.

Under school age, we should be free to be whatever our little minds want to explore (in an ideal world) but I am with Jerry in that I am not a perfect being either and I'd be inclined to say "You can be a tank at home, but don't do it at school. They'll make fun of you."

It's a form of protecting your family by giving them room to be free, at home, but letting them know that the rules are different outside home.

[Cissy Suzie]

I was going to list all that posted, but OMG! The love and support here is like endless!


Most of us may as well be your little boy, but most of us have had no support, and wish we had parents like you! We all love him for who he is and we love you for being you! :)

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

This is such a mind expanding thread.

Firstly, I think you are amazing!!! What a brilliant Mum.


But just to throw a wobbler....(who me?)

The human spirit is most free when it doesn't KNOW (i.e. been told) what the rules are.

I spent at least a week when I was 4 being an alien or dumper truck or a tank. No-one worried that I might want to grow up and actually want to be one.
My nephew was a cat for a while.
I distinctly remember my younger brother's steam roller phase.
The human spirit was FREE to be and explore whatever form or gender or being or animal it wanted.

Under school age, we should be free to be whatever our little minds want to explore (in an ideal world) but I am with Jerry in that I am not a perfect being either and I'd be inclined to say "You can be a tank at home, but don't do it at school. They'll make fun of you."

It's a form of protecting your family by giving them room to be free, at home, but letting them know that the rules are different outside home.
But also want to disagree. I want my son to be free to be whomever he is. A tank, a steam roller, a TG person, an astronaut, a TS person, a tree, a homosexual, a lion, a bisexual, a train. You get my drift here...
The problem is, that as much as I WANT him to be free to be these things, society will squash any possibility for him to be so. I have learned today, from a very dear friend, that these line must be drawn in order to protect him. I knew that they had to be, but she explained, so eloquently I may add, the way to go about it.
I HATE the fact that he may, as most of you have and do everyday, have to live by these guidelines, but the fact is, no matter how strongly I feel about it, it still will be.
This too, I will do my best with.

Cissy, Thank you.
I love you all and you know, they don't call me "Momma Bear" for nothing...
I love all my cubs, Sweets. All of them... ;)

[Holly]

Hi Pattie,

I read this thread this morning before I left for work. Been thinking about it all day long. Sooooooooo let's get some housekeeping type stuff out of the way first! The intense love you have for 'lil cub" is more than evident. You're a mom who's vitally interested in the well being of her child. DON'T TRY AND SECOND GUESS YOURSELF! Sure, gather information and solicit opinions of trusted friends and family members. But you're the one who concieved this life and carried and cared for him for months before you ever layed eyes on him. Your bond with this little one is unique from anyone else in the universe! With that knowledge, all I can tell you is to trust your instincts. Pattie, you have a sound foundation in place. You have experienced things during your life that have placed you in a position to impart great love and wisdom to this little person who's life has been entrusted to you for a season. I cannot imagine for a moment, that you would do or say ANYTHING that would inhibit this precious child from fulfilling his calling in life.

Our children are not our own, but a gift from God. In them we catch but a brief glimpse of His love for us. Enjoy this time and grow in your own life and understandings... physical and spiritual. And as He has shared His unconditional love with you, return it 100 fold. Love is interesting in this respect. The more you give it away, the more it comes back to you.

Yes, be there for his questions. No, don't encourage one behavior over another. Always be ready to laugh or cry with him. Comfort and discipline as required. Protect him from those things that would harm him and teach him to recognize potential harm and protect himself from it.

My best advice to you, dear Pattie, is to trust your instincts and totally rely on the source of your own strength. 'lil cub will be just fine... and so will "Momma Bear." And please give him a hug from Aunt Holly.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

You know, you are just the best "Mom"!
Thank you for all you wrote and for the vote of confidence. I promise that I will give him that hug, just as soon as he wakes in the morning.

Here's one for you too!
:hugs:

[TrueGemini]

My husband is pretty much a "silent partner" on this issue, and also a Cd'er. I do believe that he fears for our little one and also sees himself in "cub". I believe that coming to terms with this possible TG/TS'ism, will not only force himself to look closer at whom he/she is, but actually come to terms with his "new found" crossdressing. Also he knows, deep down inside, that one day he will have to come out to cub. Another one of my husband's fears. Telling anyone, never mind one of our children. (We have 5)
Though at times it is a bit frustrating, it is also completely understandable...


I am not really a silent partner on this, I just don't see any of the children and I hanging out and doing each other's nails, or going out on the town dressed up one day. I will be supportive in whatever he does in this life, but as for me, it is a personal thing that I share only with my loving partner and best friend. And I do not know that I will come out to my kids one day. Anyway, by then, I'll old and grey anyway!

As far as what our little one wants to do with his life, I will be behind him 100%, and will also try to help shield him from the injustices that society brings- or at least help him cope with it.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I am not really a silent partner on this, I just don't see any of the children and I hanging out and doing each other's nails, or going out on the town dressed up one day. I will be supportive in whatever he does in this life, but as for me, it is a personal thing that I share only with my loving partner and best friend. And I do not know that I will come out to my kids one day. Anyway, by then, I'll old and grey anyway!

As far as what our little one wants to do with his life, I will be behind him 100%, and will also try to help shield him from the injustices that society brings- or at least help him cope with it.

Do you know that I love you so much???

Thank you for this baby. It is a relief to know, (bah! on not being silent, by the way) that you do feel the same and will be there by my side, for our little one...

It means so much to me and will to him too, some day.

[Tristen Cox]

I only wanted to say you really try hard to make sure things are right Pattie. I think with patience things will work out in the end. Anytime you need anything here's the place to come and ask for help. That goes for you too Gem don't be a stranger:)

[Rachel_740]

Over the past few months that I and my husband have been members here, I have read that many have felt that their TG was discovered at a very young age. So my question is, if you see these signs in a small child, what is the best way to approach it? Do you outwardly encourage them? Do you just let them evolve on their own?
Maybe a better question is, what is it a parent SHOULD NOT do, I mean besides the obvious, being hurtful or cruel, etc...
(GAWD! I couldn't even imagine!)
If this situation is similar to yours, what is it you would have had YOUR parents do differently?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and time...
:)

Thats a very difficult question and probably one with a million and one answers. The first question is 'has the child felt able to confide in one of his/her parents?' The next question is 'how does the parent feel about this?' The questions just go on and on from there really.

I think if one of my kids came out and said they wanted to be a girl (they are both boys, obviously) I would talk about their feelings (although I'm not the worlds best communicator by any stretch) I would not discourage it, but conversely I would not encourage it. I would just let things (pretty much) take there course and act on things as and when need be.

Just before I came out, my brothers boy (aged 10 at the time) was saying that he wanted to be a girl - nothing to do with me, as I say I hadn't come out. Within a couple of weeks I came out to my brother, and in the next few days I went round there dressed in the later evening (first time my brother had seen me dressed), when the boy was in bed. Just to be difficult, while I was round there the boy got out of bed and came in the living room, where I was fully en-femme. He was sent straight back to bed.

A few days after that, and after some lengthy conversations with my brother about dressing, transitioning etc, I went round dressed again - for the boy to see me. My brother felt that his boys feelings were a bit confused because he spent most of his time at school with the girls and the boys were making fun of him.

When the boy saw me his first reaction was to laugh. I said to him that was the first of many problems if he wanted to be a girl. He said 'what?' I told him that he laughed at me and that was one of the first problems. After talking for a while the boy decided he didn't want to be a girl any more.

Sorry this got a bit lengthy

Anne