kerrianna
12-23-2008, 04:36 AM
Hi y'all. I don't get around to these parts much anymore, but I was thinking of you all as this is the two year anniversary of Carol being diagnosed with cancer, and I remember how important all your support was.
I thought I'd update people on us, and more specifically on my trans-journey.
First off, we're both doing really well. Carol continues to be in good health.
I'm working full time in a job that's okay and has great benefits and with a group of people who have been extremely supportive of my journey. I've told at least half of the people I work with... and maybe they all know, because the other night at our Christmas party I told Santa (one of my co-workers) that what I wanted more than anything was "a vagina"... and he didn't seem surprised at all, lol!
Maybe he'll bring me one.
But not right away.
This has been a series of steps for me, placing one foot in front of the other, trying things, checking in with myself, and I seem to be progressing very surely and steadily for the most part.
I have a gender therapist, and she suggested I might want to try spiro to see how I felt. Because this is late 'awareness' (I don't use 'onset' because in reality this onset from day one - it just got buried for safety reasons mainly). I was questioning myself and these feelings a lot. My therapist said they use spiro as a diagnostic tool sometimes, because some people really freak when they feel the changes to their T levels.
I started spiro in August, starting at 50mg and working my way up month by month until I reached 300mg/day. That's a high dosage, but my doctor (who has been so wonderful and supportive, even though I'm his first trans-patient), is okay with things because we're staying on top of the testing and things are fine. My blood pressure is ridiculously low, I started off low, so I do have to watch light headedness.
Overall I have felt wonderful on spiro.
It was such a relief to have my libido recede, and that hasn't been a problem for me or my relationship due to just where I, and we, are in our lives.
But it allowed me to take that whole sexual-kink thing that I held to keep myself alive and take it out of the equation, and I found I was still identifying as female, even more so in fact.
I felt calmer, my skin got smoother which was really nice, my body hair is much finer and slower growing, my anger is more like flashes rather than raging bonfires and not as easily ignited, and to top it off, my breasts are now developing, which was something I was told not to count on.
I didn't care too much if they developed, because I figure with my build and genetics I wouldn't have much anyway, but now that they are I am very pleased and feeling like it's a natural process that has been delayed way too many years. I had a very young co-worker describe to me the other night how her breasts developed when she was a teenager, what it felt and looked like. I thought that was really sweet of her to be so open and cool about it. So many people have been like that in my life. I feel very blessed.
The one thing I did notice earlier on with the spiro (not so much lately) is my energy levels were lower. It made me realize I needed to get some more hormonal activity happening, but of course more T was NOT the ticket. Which leaves....
...in mid November I saw my gender therapist again. We had a very productive and interesting session and she agreed to write a recommendation I be referred to an endocrinologist and start on estrogen. My GP had no problem forwarding the referral and so now on Jan 12 I go into Vancouver and see the endo! :D
One of the things that I was having some trouble with was self acceptance... understanding why? how? why now? why not then? why me? etc etc
I started revisiting my past in a very in depth way and I realized something:
I had a form of gender dysphoria from a very early age.
It was obvious then, but as I grew up I had to bury it for safety reasons.
A number of events happened to me during my life where I can see now that my core feelings of the event were dysphoric. I just had no language or understanding of what that was, what was going on. I just put it down to me being different or a misfit.
Another thing that happened to me is I had a few occasions in my local community where I passed without trying. Because I'm not ready to handle the scrutiny of the full fledged change in my small community yet (I'm getting them used to the idea lol, just like I am getting used to it mysefl), and because my partner is not ready for that yet, and because I have such great support from family, friends and co-workers, I still present as male (altho in my own mind I don't - I just know that's what others see), but I seldom dress in male clothes (I threw most of them out!) and present very femme all the time. But I always figured people read me as male.
When I got read as female without trying, it did two things for me.
It made me realize that maybe I could in fact pass more easily than I was fearing.
And it felt absolutely right and natural, to be referred to by the proper pronouns.
It made me realize that I AM transgendered (transsexual even) and I AM on the right path for myself, and in fact I have ALWAYS been like this, just not able to let it come to light.
I've crossed a threshold of acceptance that is complete. I will not waver.
I'm okay with whatever comes now, however it works out.
The mechanics are still uncertain - I don't have the resources to do a lot of stuff, but that will all sort itself out. I feel very sure of this and myself.
So, that's where I'm at these days.
Sorry this was sooooo long. Some things never change lol.
Anyone still reading this gets a cookie.
78420
I hope everyone here has a happy holiday season and has a great 2009! :hugs::love:
:kiss: Kerri 78421
I thought I'd update people on us, and more specifically on my trans-journey.
First off, we're both doing really well. Carol continues to be in good health.
I'm working full time in a job that's okay and has great benefits and with a group of people who have been extremely supportive of my journey. I've told at least half of the people I work with... and maybe they all know, because the other night at our Christmas party I told Santa (one of my co-workers) that what I wanted more than anything was "a vagina"... and he didn't seem surprised at all, lol!
Maybe he'll bring me one.
But not right away.
This has been a series of steps for me, placing one foot in front of the other, trying things, checking in with myself, and I seem to be progressing very surely and steadily for the most part.
I have a gender therapist, and she suggested I might want to try spiro to see how I felt. Because this is late 'awareness' (I don't use 'onset' because in reality this onset from day one - it just got buried for safety reasons mainly). I was questioning myself and these feelings a lot. My therapist said they use spiro as a diagnostic tool sometimes, because some people really freak when they feel the changes to their T levels.
I started spiro in August, starting at 50mg and working my way up month by month until I reached 300mg/day. That's a high dosage, but my doctor (who has been so wonderful and supportive, even though I'm his first trans-patient), is okay with things because we're staying on top of the testing and things are fine. My blood pressure is ridiculously low, I started off low, so I do have to watch light headedness.
Overall I have felt wonderful on spiro.
It was such a relief to have my libido recede, and that hasn't been a problem for me or my relationship due to just where I, and we, are in our lives.
But it allowed me to take that whole sexual-kink thing that I held to keep myself alive and take it out of the equation, and I found I was still identifying as female, even more so in fact.
I felt calmer, my skin got smoother which was really nice, my body hair is much finer and slower growing, my anger is more like flashes rather than raging bonfires and not as easily ignited, and to top it off, my breasts are now developing, which was something I was told not to count on.
I didn't care too much if they developed, because I figure with my build and genetics I wouldn't have much anyway, but now that they are I am very pleased and feeling like it's a natural process that has been delayed way too many years. I had a very young co-worker describe to me the other night how her breasts developed when she was a teenager, what it felt and looked like. I thought that was really sweet of her to be so open and cool about it. So many people have been like that in my life. I feel very blessed.
The one thing I did notice earlier on with the spiro (not so much lately) is my energy levels were lower. It made me realize I needed to get some more hormonal activity happening, but of course more T was NOT the ticket. Which leaves....
...in mid November I saw my gender therapist again. We had a very productive and interesting session and she agreed to write a recommendation I be referred to an endocrinologist and start on estrogen. My GP had no problem forwarding the referral and so now on Jan 12 I go into Vancouver and see the endo! :D
One of the things that I was having some trouble with was self acceptance... understanding why? how? why now? why not then? why me? etc etc
I started revisiting my past in a very in depth way and I realized something:
I had a form of gender dysphoria from a very early age.
It was obvious then, but as I grew up I had to bury it for safety reasons.
A number of events happened to me during my life where I can see now that my core feelings of the event were dysphoric. I just had no language or understanding of what that was, what was going on. I just put it down to me being different or a misfit.
Another thing that happened to me is I had a few occasions in my local community where I passed without trying. Because I'm not ready to handle the scrutiny of the full fledged change in my small community yet (I'm getting them used to the idea lol, just like I am getting used to it mysefl), and because my partner is not ready for that yet, and because I have such great support from family, friends and co-workers, I still present as male (altho in my own mind I don't - I just know that's what others see), but I seldom dress in male clothes (I threw most of them out!) and present very femme all the time. But I always figured people read me as male.
When I got read as female without trying, it did two things for me.
It made me realize that maybe I could in fact pass more easily than I was fearing.
And it felt absolutely right and natural, to be referred to by the proper pronouns.
It made me realize that I AM transgendered (transsexual even) and I AM on the right path for myself, and in fact I have ALWAYS been like this, just not able to let it come to light.
I've crossed a threshold of acceptance that is complete. I will not waver.
I'm okay with whatever comes now, however it works out.
The mechanics are still uncertain - I don't have the resources to do a lot of stuff, but that will all sort itself out. I feel very sure of this and myself.
So, that's where I'm at these days.
Sorry this was sooooo long. Some things never change lol.
Anyone still reading this gets a cookie.
78420
I hope everyone here has a happy holiday season and has a great 2009! :hugs::love:
:kiss: Kerri 78421