Cross-dresser’s Catch 22

[Elysia]

When I was growing up I searched for information about cross-dressing and found almost nothing. What I did find treated it as sexual deviancy, either to be cynical manipulated or forcefully condemned. It only served to convince me that I was a sexual deviant and that I should keep my dark secret hidden.

All indications around me told me that the desire to cross-dress was an unspeakable betrayal of society’s values. The despicable thing—and this is most important—was not the wearing of women’s clothes but the desire to do so. As long as I had no desire to wear women’s clothes it was fine, in good humor, to do so but if I wanted to wear women’s clothes I was a reprehensible deviant, even if I never did.

I have for periods in my life successfully resisted the urge to cross-dress but I have never been able to free myself from the desire. The more I resisted, more twisted the desire became. I thought that perhaps if I was forced to cross-dress, against my will, by a woman, then this would not be such a terrible betrayal and my fantasies would increasingly lean this way. But even in these dreams I could not escape quilt, my fantasy woman would always know the truth and denigrate me for it and I too would know the truth and would feel that I deserved denigration.

I did not think I was being suppressed by an unjust prejudice, I thought I was fooling society into thinking I was a decent person when in fact I was not. For anyone who wonders why I did not tell my wife about my cross-dressing before we got married, let me tell you, it would have been preferable to me that everyone but her know about it. Because, though I might brow beat society into reluctantly allowing me a living despite my deviancy, how could I expect anyone to love me?

I can’t describe the dark despair I felt, holding in the secret of my desire to cross-dress. If you’ve felt something similar you may understand the feelings that I refer to. I’d guess many of you do. In fact, I’m desperately hoping that you do. Like most human being I want to be understood. For such a long time I was convinced that no one could possibly understand me, after all I didn’t understand myself.

As an adult I looked around for some help to understand myself and I came across this (It's not much help but it is interesting):

The American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) lists Transvestic Fetishism; it’s in the section on sexual and gender identity disorders, right after Sexual Sadism and right before Voyeurism. The diagnostic criteria for Transvestic Fetishism are:

A. Over a period of at least 6 months, in a heterosexual male, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving cross-dressing.
B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

To qualify for this disorder both A. and B. must be true.

I certainly qualify for part A. but I don’t qualify for part B. because I have always kept part A. a secret. If, however, I choose not to keep part A. a secret, it is very likely that I would then qualify for part B. Do you see the dilemma here? It’s a Catch 22 situation. What this diagnosis suggests is that as long as I keep my cross-dressing a secret I don’t have a mental disorder but if I’m open and honest about it then I do have a mental disorder. Does that make any sense?

By the way, it’s worth noting that until 1973 the DSM listed homosexuality as a mental disorder.
Has anyone else struggled to reconcile a cross-dresser’s Catch 22?

[Kimberly]

Crossdressing isn't a mental disorder, and shouldn't be treated as such.

Is being gay regarded as a mental disorder? No... it is what a program on CDing termed as "diversity," and so I put it to you that CDing is "diversity". NEVER a disorder, needing to be treated.

[Elysia]

Kimberly, I think you’re quite right. I don’t think cross-dressing is a mental disorder and not even the American Psychiatric Association thinks homosexuality is a mental disorder anymore. But if you go to a therapist they will have a copy of the DSM on their shelf, I took that quote out of the very latest edition, and unless they know better they will consult the official line and that’s the DSM, at least here in the U.S.

[trinity24]

B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

or being the key word...

[Marla GG]

Seems to me it isn't that "fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning," but the other way around: society, the workplace, and other areas of life are the cause of distress for transgendered individuals when these institutions don't allow for the open expression of one's identity. If you put a fish on dry land and its functioning is impaired, don't blame the fish--blame the inhospitable environment!


I do see your point, that the diagnostic criteria used by mental health professionals are complicit in keeping crossdressers in the closet. How sad.

[axdressa]

HI Elysia
the reason why i started to crossdress is some what of a diiference from a lot of girls on here... i dont know when i started to want to dress in the opposite sexs clothes and i didnt know why either ... but as i have told the girls in here in an earlier post ... my mother wanted a girl .. but me instead so she used to dress me in dress when i was very young ... dont think this was the start of my wanting to dress but it must have had something to do with it ... later when i was a little older my mother used to put make me up with makeup ... i didnt know this untill about 3 months ago i am now 48 so my mother has kept this from me for aproximatly 40 years i now believe this is where it all started ..... not that i am botherd as i love being a woman .. well as close to being a woman that i can.
hugz n kisses paula xxx

[GypsyKaren]

I grew up thinking that I was the biggest pervert in the world, and that there was no way that anyone else could be as sick as I was. I battled myself constantly about wanting to dress, a fight I always lost. I know that it tears you up inside.
After seeking professional help I learned that I wasn't sick. Everyone has a reason for why they dress, even if they don't know it. I know that I do it for a couple of reasons for which dressing became a form of therapy for me. It makes me feel good now that I know it isn't a disease of some kind one should try to shake. Quite the contrary, my doctor encourages me to dress and not try to suppress my true inner feelings and desires about it.
I also kept secret from my wife about my hidden life, I too could never dream that someone could ever love someone that society and myself considered a twisted pervert. Of course I deceived her and my total life to her was a big lie, but I felt like I had no choice, I felt trapped. And you already know about the guilt that all of this brings.
Anyway, I finally broke down a few months ago and told her everything, and it wasn't pretty. I had my reasons for telling her, one being that I couldn't deal with it all anymore. She was beyond anger, she was furious, feeling that I had tricked her into marrying me, and of course she was right. I didn't blame her for her anger, all I could do was say how sorry I was about it all and vow to never lie to her again, and no more secrets.
We're still together because, can you believe, that she loves me. Bottom line is that we love each other, something I never allowed myself to imagine for myself. We had some bumps in the road, but things now are going well for us.Not having to deal with secrecy or shame has opened my eyes and my heart. She accepts my dressing as being an important part of me and my life,and she even taught me how to put on make-up. I still feel overwhelmed by it all sometimes, and I know that I will never go back to the way I was before.
So hold your head up Elysia, and hold onto the good dreams. There is nothing wrong with you, and sometimes things do work out beyond your wildest fantasy. I know that it did for me.
GypsyKaren

[azure]

a cigar is just a cigar!, going in to the DSM IV is only going to reinforce feelings of spiraling low self image and internalised angst. Crossdressing has its basis at a genetic level, it is a gene driven compulsion(hence the profound experinces of those in this group) it is not an illness, BUT when the individual has not been able to rationalise their feelings to one level or other, then a radical answer is arrived at that " I must be sick, or ill, mad, or bad..and I need treatment" Why do we use the DSM, we use the DSM as a scale or measure at which to compare the presented behaviours of an individual, to gauge the intensity, and decied whether this is a "mental illness" and if it needs "treatment" , we use the DSM in the situation of where an individaul is distressed by their behaviour(they have insight) or and loved one informs a physician and requests an intervention to provide help, or at an exterme, an individual has no insight, and is very ill and we use the DSM to assess their behaviour and proceed , usually we've got a good idea already ie we recognise
Crossdressing is not evil, or sick, or an illness, it is a part of being human.
PS Im not being nasty, I have been through all of this self analysis and continue to go through it all the time, what makes it easier is knowing we're not alone, and that there are wondewrful people just like ourselves on this site we can talk to.

[tammie]

Hi All: Elysia, listen there is nothing wrong with enjoying women's clothing. Many men do it, now becasue of the internet we R finding how many of us there R, and we have all been hiding and beating ourselves up over it. I have now embraced my CDing as a great hobby, indoors all seasons and great fun alone or with others. My SO doesn't understand it, prefers not to see me in a bra slip dress or skirt, although she likes my kilt go figure that one out. She can tolerate my panties 24/7 but that is all. She knows I started many yrs ago and is somewhat understanding of it. I love my girl side and have become a better lover, man, father, human being for it.

[Rachel Ann]

The DSM is usually behind the times in many ways. Right now it says that you are either a TS with GID, or a "fetish" crossdresser. I'm not sure that "transgender" is acknowledged at all, or that gender is understood there in the same way that we use the word.

Anyway, I'm a "low end" TGirl - I CD, not for sexual or fetish reasons, but to unlock my feminine heart and soul. I don't expect to take hormones or transition, I am not TS. The point of this is: According to the book (in which my kid psychiatrist believes), people like me don't exist. All I can say is that, for people who don't exist, there are sure an awful lot of us! :D

Psychologists tend to toe the DSM line less than psychiatrists, in my experience. But, they can't write prescriptions.

p.s. Psychologists and psychiatrists fudge diagnoses all the time to work around insurance restrictions.

[crispy]

. The diagnostic criteria for Transvestic Fetishism are:

A. Over a period of at least 6 months, in a heterosexual male, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving cross-dressing.
B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

To qualify for this disorder both A. and B. must be true.

I certainly qualify for part A. but I don’t qualify for part B. because I have always kept part A. a secret. If, however, I choose not to keep part A. a secret, it is very likely that I would then qualify for part B. Do you see the dilemma here? It’s a Catch 22 situation. What this diagnosis suggests is that as long as I keep my cross-dressing a secret I don’t have a mental disorder but if I’m open and honest about it then I do have a mental disorder. Does that make any sense?


I share your background in many ways.

But I do not see the catch 22 situation at all. Why is keeping it a secret a pre-requisite to social impairment? I keep it a secret from everybody except the girls on this forum, and I certainly feel socially impaired, partly because I keep it a secret, as a result I cannot share this important part of my being with others, which represents a social handicap in itself.

[Darlene.]

Society, the workplace, and other areas of life are the cause of distress for transgendered individuals when these institutions don't allow for the open expression of one's identity.

While I believe that to be a correct statement: It still remains that we are the ones left with the problem. Ether we or they has a disorder, and it is we (not them) who wants to fit in. And we are the minority.

So it appears to me that it is kind of pointless to blame them when there is very little we can do about it. Even changing laws won’t change that.

I wonder are we stuck there?

Darlene.

[Marla GG]

While I believe that to be a correct statement: It still remains that we are the ones left with the problem. Ether we or they has a disorder, and it is we (not them) who wants to fit in. And we are the minority.

So it appears to me that it is kind of pointless to blame them when there is very little we can do about it. Even changing laws won’t change that.

I wonder are we stuck there?

Darlene.


I see where you're coming from, Darlene. Blaming society doesn't change the reality of what it's like to be misunderstood and discriminated against. But I don't think it's completely pointless. For me, the "point" is that crossdressers might feel less guilt and shame about who they are if they realize that the problem is society's, not theirs. Obviously I'm preaching to the choir here, but no one should be made to feel sick, dysfunctional, or abnormal for wanting to express their feminine side. Are we stuck here? Perhaps.....but we are never going to get un-stuck until guilt and shame are replaced by healthy self-acceptance.

[Rachel Ann]

Has anyone else struggled to reconcile a cross-dresser’s Catch 22?
I treat DSM IV and disapproving or hostile people the same way. I ignore them.

[Darlene.]

Obviously I'm preaching to the choir here, but no one should be made to feel sick, dysfunctional, or abnormal for wanting to express their feminine side. Are we stuck here? Perhaps.....but we are never going to get un-stuck until guilt and shame are replaced by healthy self-acceptance.

I started a similar thread on another forum and one of the members responded with this:

You have to understand a bit about how DSM4 was written. There was a strong push to keep from diagnosing people who were basically happy with themselves and not hurting anyone else. Back when DSM3 came out I worked in an institution and read the whole thing. Hence the part about how this is causing significant distress over a period of time.

With regards to Transvestic fetishism it means that if the person is happy about this and it isn't causing them problems then they do not have this disorder no matter how much they cross dress. We could get into a long discussion of how much of this is due to society’s reaction to us. Treatment might be simply a case of helping the person to accept that they do this and stop feeling guilty about it.

When I read the article I sensed the same thing as this poster. Perhaps it is on our side.

Darlene.

[Elysia]

I share your background in many ways.

But I do not see the catch 22 situation at all. Why is keeping it a secret a pre-requisite to social impairment? I keep it a secret from everybody except the girls on this forum, and I certainly feel socially impaired, partly because I keep it a secret, as a result I cannot share this important part of my being with others, which represents a social handicap in itself.

Perhaps you are right, maybe catch 22 is a little mellow dramatic. One of the things I was trying to get at—writing and reading comments here helps me think things through—was that to avoid the destructive influence of society’s condemnation we keep our cross-dressing a secret, yet keeping it a secret is also destructive. Upon reflection it occurs to me, that just how destructive it is may have a lot to do with our motivations for keeping it a secret.

In the past I kept it a secret from everyone because I believed it was bad. There was a lot around me to reinforce that view. Still, I couldn’t give it up and, as I’ve described, this lead to feelings of guilt and shame. Holding onto feelings of guilt and shame are decidedly bad for one’s mental health.

I read the DSM before talking to an actual therapist and was not encouraged by what I read. However, I should tell you that I owe much of my current relative serenity about my cross-dressing to the help of a therapist. So my experience does confirm what Rachel Ann wrote about Psychologists not toeing the DSM line. She slowly gained my trust and I eventually told her about my cross-dressing. She was very understanding and did not suggest that I try to give it up, which is what I’d expected.

The therapist, who will always have my gratitude, did just what was suggested in Darlene’s post; she helped me accept that I’m a life long cross-dresser and helped me stop feeling guilty about it. Her biggest concern was that I was keeping it a secret from my wife. Eventually, with her help, I gained the strength I needed to confide in my wife and that turned out to one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I have even gone on to confide in one of the ministers at the church that my family attends. I was looking at the church web site and found a sermon on accepting and supporting transgender people in our community. It was given before we started attending so I was surprised to see it. After reading it, I went to the minister who gave it and told her I am a cross-dresser and that, although I’d didn’t want that to become general knowledge, I would be willing to talk to anyone who she thought needed support dealing with being a cross-dresser. It turned out, lol, that she didn’t know of any actual transgender people attending our church—that is until I made my admission—but that she gave the sermon because we want them to feel welcome if they do feel like coming. We’re a very liberal church. I don’t regret telling her and the sermon has made me feel more comfortable at the church, even though I wouldn’t want most of the people there to know.

Maybe the world has changed as I have grown up; maybe I just got it wrong. No... I think it has changed. Certainly it has change is some important respects, this site for example. No doubt, if I’d come across a site like this when I was younger it would have saved me some heart ach. Through it I share with all of you. So, although I do keep my cross-dressing a secret, it’s not a deep dark secret and I’m not keeping it because of my guilt or shame. I don’t, however, think I could say that if I were still keeping it from everyone and I am not sure I could keep guilt and shame away if I were to share it with everyone.

Do you see what I mean?

[Rachel Ann]

Perhaps you are right, maybe catch 22 is a little melodramatic.
It depends on whether you take the DSM seriously. ;)



However, I should tell you that I owe much of my current relative serenity about my cross-dressing to the help of a therapist. So my experience does confirm what Rachel Ann wrote about Psychologists not toeing the DSM line. She slowly gained my trust and I eventually told her about my cross-dressing. She was very understanding and did not suggest that I try to give it up, which is what I’d expected.
I am SO happy for you sweetie! :)

Basically, a psychiatrist is in the business of convincing you that you are sicker than you thought you were. A psychologist is in the business of convincing you that you are more well than you thought you were. :p

We are all proud of you! Onward and upward.

Love