Why can't I work up the nerves to tell my parents?

[tgirlinva]

I want to transition and my therapist seems to think that my parents should be involved in the process. Meanwhile, I just want to run away and transition on my own, without telling my parents. I just don't want to hurt them and make them embarrassed of their only "son"... I think that's it b/c my dad has health issues. But my therapist seems to suggest that I'm afraid of telling them because I'm afraid of them stopping me. Did you feel the same way? Unlike most, I feel like I am afraid of losing them to some degree, but at the same time, I feel like it's something that I need to do, even if I lose them. That sounds sooo terrible :sad:

[Gizmo, Debbie]

I can't tell you what to do but i can share my experiance(s) / thoughts.
For me telling my folks about "Debbie" was the best thing i have done as it has given me the freedom to be me.Sure i was as nervous as all get out but my faith in my parents let me do it....and i was right about them.
Yes there are some parents that would turn thier back on thier kids over it but the majority of parents tend to come around in the end?????
Although i haven't transitioned i would like to, but reading around sites such as this its a VERY BIG step to make.You face the llikely hood of loosing EVERYTHING!! Friends, family, work.
Your already in talks with "professionals" so thats a good things, talk it over with him/her and see what happens?

[GypsyKaren]

It's a hard thing to face, but won't you be losing them if you run away? People who really love you will continue to do so, no matter what, and they want to be there for you when you need help, that's what love is all about.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Kristen Kelly]

I am very much in that same place. I am waiting till after the holidays to tell my parents. My dad like yours is up in age and has health issues; it is him I think will have a problem accepting it. My mom is a different story we have always been close, what surprises me is that she has not said anything to me yet. I have done so many things in the last 2 years “that were not so much like me,” growing my hair long, changing how I dress, not to mention how much the hormones have changed me. I’m afraid she really does suspect but doesn’t really want to know. I have a copy of Newsweek May 21, 2007 The Mystery of Gender [see link below] for them to read a very good informative article on what makes us Male or Female and The new visibility of the Transgendered. I wish you luck and pray for the same.


http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=104&STORY=/www/story/05-13-2007/0004587007&EDATE=

[Chloe84]

Yes it can be very hard to com eout to your parents. I know myself that it was not easy, and the matter is still a tough issue. although the only thing that i can tell you is that you cant always believe peoples first responses, a few people in my familly were very stand off-ish for the first few months, and have come arround to a newer level of acceptance. so if someone says something to hurt you initialy, please wait a bit and see how they are able to adjust to it in their lives.

And my final words of advice, You don't need any ones approval on this matter but your own. although sometimes it hurts when the ones we love dont want to stick arround, but we have to move on.

Best of Luck

[Kittykitty]

I understand your pain, especially at this time of year.
Found myself looking around at all the extended family yesterday and wondering how many of them would still love me if they knew? Drives me into depression every year.
The worst is having to remember the little things, like making sure socks are on to cover painted toenails. Hard to remember early x-mas morning!
I wish you luck in your struggle!

[Elizabeth]

This is not an easy life we live. Sometimes parents reject their transsexual children. It could happen to you. That is the reality. What I would say to you is that if you are not ready to expose who you really are to those you love the most, than you are not yet ready to transition. This is not something you can hide from.

While I am ok with those who live in stealth and choose not to expose who they are to strangers, it is entirely different when dealing with those close to us. You really do need to know who is with you and who is not. It's part of "becoming".

Elizabeth

[Heatherx75]

Honey, I'm in the same boat right now. I'm afraid I'll lose them, and that just sucks. I think my mom would come around, so in my case I'll probably work on her first. I feel like I am a terrible, selfish child because of this, but I need to blossom into the person I was meant to become, and I just don't see it happening as a man. I should know, I've been trying to do it for a long enough time.

I wish you the best of luck,

Heather:hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

my parents are from the coal regions of pennsylvania...i'm 45, dad 72, mom 66

i told them and i made sure i told them in a way that really helped them understand what was happening..

i told my mom first and she freaked out and told me it was a phase, but i realized i didint tell her the "right" way for me and her...so i sat her down with dad and said..

look guys, I HAVE A REALLY REALLY BIG PROBLEM.....they were upset..(of course mom knew, but my dad really got interested)...i told them i've been depressed for many many years and i've talked to tons of therapists, doctors etc....and that over the years i've become basically uninterested in living..and the reason is because i'm a trannsexual and i've been suffereing with this secret every day of my life for 40 years....i told them how much i loved them and its not about them and i kept drilling on how much i've thought this through...on top of it, i disclosed at the same time i've quit my six figure job...there is more to story...but i won't bore with it..

my dad jumped up and started crying and came and kissed my head(really, my head) a hundred times and said i love you more than anything and i'm so sorry you sufferred....he said he would do anything for me and that at 72, he understood regret and wouldnt wish it on me...my mom then lit up because her issue wasnt about me..it was about my dad, and when he was ok, she was ok and now we talk about hair color and skin products for my transtion...

all stories are different...but know yourself, know your parents, dont tell anybody ANYTHING until you feel its in your best interest and you can tell them in a positive and FIRM way...they need to know this is HAPPENING FOR SURE, and that its FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH....

since i told them, my life has improved dramatically and now when i walk into my parents house i feel loved with no secrets..

i have one more HUGE hurdle...KIDS..they are coming up in january

god bless you and stay strong...this is very very brutal stuff and many of us have suffered greatly over this issue...

michele

[tgirlinva]

What I would say to you is that if you are not ready to expose who you really are to those you love the most, than you are not yet ready to transition. This is not something you can hide from.
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

as much as I respect your opinion, I must express my disagreement. The fact that you are not willing to tell your parents, employer, etc. has absolutely no bearing on whether you are ready to transition. I think the point when you are ready to transition is the point when you are completely/fully informed of the choice you are about to make and are ready to deal with the consequences. A lot of people seem to think that there is some sort of magic transition checklist that when everything is checked (including the box for telling parents/family), then and only then are you ready to transition. People's lives come in various shades and it's hard to box everyone under the same standard. So there may be a reason other than fear or sheer laziness for not telling your parents/family...

[carolinoakland]

I just told my father in Texas. Mind you he left me when I was five and has never been a part or had an impact on my life directly. Indirectly he influenced how I parented my child when my daughters mother and I split up. So, really I could have gone on forever never telling him, I live on the west coast. My mom has passed, but she knew about carol. My siblings and my child know, so why tell him? Because I know that when I transition I do not want to have to ever look at my male name ever again. Most of my christmas cards where addressed to " Aunt Carol". But back to you, you say that you are afraid that they will talk you out of transitioning. Hmm. If they could then you really weren't ready where you? Me, I am pretty much allready so far over on the feminine side of andro I'm sure everyone at work is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's the hold up they ask, I'm waiting until I change my name and gender on my ID's. Which should be about another two months. And that seems like such a long time, and yet it's been a life long dream that is rushing to the reality of the light of day. Eh, I'm rambling. I hope this helps. I did tell my dad, his response was that I have a big problem and that I should be seeing a regular mental health professional instead of one who will push their "crack pot " theroies on me. Huh? I guess he doesn't really understand what's going on, oh well. Time will tell. Carol

[Elizabeth]

Elizabeth,

as much as I respect your opinion, I must express my disagreement. The fact that you are not willing to tell your parents, employer, etc. has absolutely no bearing on whether you are ready to transition.

Thanks for responding. I think we may be talking about different things here. I would not include an employer in the group of people that would need to know. And when I say transition, I don't mean just the surgery. I mean the act of transition into society.

It's a hard thing to be out there. Being ok with who we are is very important. All I am saying is that once one can deal with those who are closest to us, everyone else is a piece of cake. But if we fear the judgments of others, transition will be overwhelming.

I do believe that if one is not willing to give up everything for this, it is not for them. I do understand this is just my opinion, but every post op I ever talked to said "[don't do this unless you have to]".

One can not escape the potential problems of transitioning only to have loved ones find out on their own. If one fears the outcome of disclosure, imagine what unintended disclosure might do? Many here have experienced unintended disclosure and it's no picnic.

Only each person can know what is right for them. I don't pretend to have the answers for anyone but me. I just want to pass along my experiences for anyone to use any way they wish. If it can help someone? Great. If not? I am out nothing.

Elizabeth

[Joann Smith]

I feel your pain ...telling my mom is my final hurdle as well..I too thought about running off and transistion without telling her .. but I figured doing that would probally hurt her more because her baby was going through somthing like that and felt that he could not tell her about it ...She would be totally totally crushed .

So in my oppinion ya got to tell them...some how some way because they deserve to know, its the price you got to pay for them sharing thier DNA with you..

The tactic i am working is to go slow.. break the news to my mom in bits and peices and let her put them all together on her own..I am doing this because mom is old and not in the best of health so i do not want to hit her with too much too fast,

I know she is not gonna be pleased bout it but.. done right i think she can handle it.. Bottom line is mom loves me and regardless of how pissed off she get ...thats not gonna change... Just got to make sure she strapped to that wheel chair real good when the poop finally do hit the fan.. And I might have to double up on her pain meds for a few days..to get her to stop trying to kill me....but after she see that i look just like her as a young woman she will be alright...

...I think ....

...at least thats plan...

Joann

[Kaitlyn Michele]

joann

i think your plan sounds great..and think about it....its your parents dna that makes you who you are so its really the other way around...they owe you!!!


good luck to you..

[tgirlinva]

I do believe that if one is not willing to give up everything for this, it is not for them.
Elizabeth

It's exactly what I'm disagreeing with. Just because you transition does not mean that you are willing to lose everything. I have always taken the stance that being a woman does not make me who I am, it's everything around me: my family first and foremost, my job, my security, etc. Just because you're looking to deal or mitigate the effects of your transition on those aspects of your life does not mean that you're not ready to transition, if anything it makes you less selfish and self-centered. If you've tried to tell everybody and they still don't accept it, then yes, you can transition... but just b/c you're holding back in order to salvage something does not make you not prepared for transition.

[GypsyKaren]

I don't think it's so much willing to lose everything as it is knowing and accepting the fact that it may happen.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Kimberley]

I have always thought and believed transition was a state of mind first. Nothing else can happen until one is in that exact place. How others react is their business not yours. It can affect you certainly, but in the end it comes down to you. So, "risking all" or being prepared to give it all up is hardly a prerequisite in my thinking. It is a reality check and no more. Being in a place of unconditional self acceptance is primary. Everything else is secondary.

I for one refuse to accept that my being who I am is contingent on giving up everything I hold dear or being prepared to do so. That is a effect of my physical transition, not my core being.

:hugs:
Kimmie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it's really semantics... when a person that has lived a life as a male or female...and realizes over time that this life holds nothing for them, or perhaps just wonders whether staying in one gender role is ever going to be enough for themm..... what are you really giving up?? material things? relationships?...

.i quit my job and basically am taking a huge financial risk that i just have to accept...i lost my marraige and was probablytoo guilty and ashamed at the time so i gave up way too much my financial safety net...but i reallydon't care...i will just have to figure something out on the money/material front
on the relationship side, i'm much less willing to give up and just let society define me with my family and friends....so i am doing my best to go slowly and treat people based on the golden rule...then at least i can sleep nites knowing that i'm doing my best


so all this about being wiling to give up everything is kinda the whole point!! we are all trading in our lives for a new life that we all hope will be better

we can all think about all of our own unique and wonderful way doing things and just define ourselves that way!! :hugs:

michele

[stevie b]

A year ago the thought of telling anyone about how I felt (other than my wife) was so scary it prevented me from growing. Since I have accepted myself for wo and what I am, there seems to been a huge buiold up of courage in me. I have recently told all my family and just told my emploers that in the next few months I will changeing gender. Everyone has taken the news really well there has only been 3 people who have stopped having contact with me, 2 because of religious reasons one for personall reasons. Mum and dad have been great, I am now in my fifties. My employer is working hard to make my transition as smooth as possible at work.

We are all are individualls as are those around us, you cannot predict how they will react. I was prepared to loss everything to become who I am , but in reflection I have gained. Relationships with the family are better, I am more relaxed with those around me and they notice the difference.
Good luck
Stevie