Busted, My Wife found my stash and its been a hectic last two weeks.

[Kathy Leigh]

My wife was innocently looking for something in my office and found my wig drawer. She asked me what the wigs were doing there and I told her they were mine. When I told her I was cross dressing the first words out of her mouth were "I want a divorce."

Since that initial reaction things have settled down but I still have a lot of damage to repair, most of it self inflicted.

I want to take this opportunity to try to let everyone know what my mistakes were and what I am trying to do to get things back to normal.

When I married my wife I had not dressed for 7-8 years, I had purged totally years ago and I thought ( as we all do) I was over it. Therefore I did not mention it to her. For ten years I kept patting myself on the back for keeping it a secret because nothing was going on. Then about 18 months ago I became enveloped in the pink fog.

Originally I planned to only dress when my wife was out of town. Thing have a way of getting out of hand. as many of you can attest to and soon I was dressing at my office every opportunity when my wife was out with her friends. Then I started to dress after work when I thought she would be too involved in "Dancing With The Stars" to care if I was there. Eventually I was dressing up to three times a week and coming home 8:30 or 9:00 PM.

I was so caught up in the pink fog that I did not realize how much she missed me and was suffering from being lonely.

When she confronted me two weeks ago and I told her of my cross dressing she put 2 + 2 together and realized that instead of working real hard for our family I had left her alone at home to cross dress.

So now I have a wife. who I love and adore, who is upset with me because she did not know I was cross dressing and cannot deal with that concept. In addition I have a wife who is even angrier still that I left her alone when she really wanted her husband at home.

The first thing I want to suggest to you all is don't make the mistake I made in allowing the pink fog to keep me away from home and a loving wife. Keep your activities limited to the time she is not at home and won't miss you.

As to whether to tell your SO or not I have no good advice. The sudden realization of my cross dressing by my wife has been very painful for her. She is sad, confused and not sure she can accept or live with because the cross dressing is so upsetting to her. I wish she had never found my stash but that I had not stayed away from home so much. Unfortunately that is a reality that never happened.

What am I doing to heal the damage and save my marriage? After spending the last 18 months or so lying to my wife I am trying to win her trust back by being totally honest with her and answering all her questions. I explained to her that a promise to never dress again was a promise that I could not keep and would never make to her. I did say I could promise keep my dressing times limited to the times she was busy and not at home. I also told her she would never see me dressed and that I wold never involve her in any aspect of this part of my life.

I also apologized for not telling her and for being away from home when she needed me. I made it clear it was my fault, I was selfish and stupid and no blame accrues to her.

I also told her that I was still the man she married, that I would take care of her as I always had and that she had never had any hint from my behavior in 11 year of married life that I had a feminine side.

I accepted the reality that she was madder at me for being away from her than she was for not knowing about the cross dressing.

I told her my plan for winning her back involved accepting all responsibility for our problems. I will work tirelessly to win her trust back. I started by setting up an internet camera so she could see that I was working in my office after hours and not dressing up.

One of the most difficult things is to accept the up and down mood swings. There are moments when she says "Life is too short." and things look real good. Then hours later she wants to leave and move back north when the weather gets better. I told her that I will deal with her ups and downs and still be there to love and care for her when she settles down.

Please allow me to give some unsolicited advise. In the book "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus" the author talks about how women want to hear that men say they are sorry. He relates how men constantly tell him that even though they have said they are sorry their women are still mad at them so why should they say they are sorry?

His answer (which I find to be true) is that although women want you to say you are sorry they will not forgive you until they believe you can feel their pain. If you find yourself in my position and you SO is still mad at you after you say you are sorry, don't give up or fight back. Please bear with it until your SO is satisfied you feel her pain. If you love her and cherish your marriage it will be well worth it.

In closing my wife and I are still together, we sleep in the same bed and hug each other and talk each night for an hour. My wife has been help immeasurably by becoming a member of this forum and by all the GG's who have written and spoken to her.

With tons of work and contrition on my part I hope to be a better husband and make my marriage better than it was before.

Hugs,


Kathy Leigh

[vivianann]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and I wish you and your wife well. Glad you are making every effort you can to assure your wife you are willing to make things right in your marriage, sounds like you have a good woman the way you speak of her, take care of her, she deserves it. I am glad to see she is a member of this forum and the GG's here are talking to her.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Bummer being sprung Kathy, but all in all it looks like you have done an amazing job in damage control. Your "men are from mars" bit struck a chord with me, something I should think about from my wifes point of view.

Reading your story makes me so glad I plucked up the guts to fess up to the good wife a few months ago......which is something I should have done years ago before we were married.

Good luck for the future. :)

[catriona36]

you have a special woman of that you know.
there are two things worth fighting for in this mixed p crazy world. thats love and country.

time is one thing taken that cant be given back, as i learned from the transport industry. all that can be given freely with meaning is love.
i love the way you stood up and took full responsability for what you have done. for that you get full marks indeed :) keep fighting for her forgiveness.
you dont need to fight for love as you have that. just ean the trust.
:love: for you so :)
and i hope 09 is a great year for you both :) hugs

[Jonianne]

I'm glad you and she are putting in the effort to really try to work things out. Your taking responsibility and she being willing to join the forum and talk with Fab's is such a wonderful sign. I'm not suprised by her first words when you told her. Women tend to be able to express their emotions without inhibitions especially if they have been sensing something has been feeling wrong for a while. That doesn't mean she will immiadeatly follow through.

I wish you the best and keep us informed.

[Stefanie_Adams]

Amen Kathy and all my best for getting things back in order. I am sure that there are quite a few here who have similar experiences. My wife busted me 18 years ago when we moved to a new home.

I couldn't than and still can't feel the hurt and pain she felt after being married for 13 years suddenly realizing she was living a lie but I could see the pain she feeling from my deception and have done the very best I can to regain her trust.

Stefanie

[WomanAtHeart4]

Kathy,
Thanks for your great advice and sharing it with us.
I know the awful pain you are feeling.
A few years ago I was busted. She found out by viewing pictures of me cd in the sent email folder of our computer (regular Sherlock Holmes isnt she!). It was 3 weeks of the utmost pain. I can still feel it now as if it were last night.
You aptly quoted that great book "Men are from Mars.....". Women will not suffice at just a quick "I am sorry" but rather require years of payback. They are tough task masters! Great advice in that book - thanks
I often wonder what makes the difference in wifes - those that accept (even if slightly) and those that refuse to accept cding in their husband in any degree. I once read a interview with the wife of "My Husband Betty" ( http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/) , and Helen (the wife) was absolutely insightful. In her experience learning her husband was a cder, she amazingly took the initial shock of realizing her husband was a cder - and did some self analysis and realized her own fears and frailities of her own sexuality as a woman and it became a transcendent moment.
But, like you, I love my wife and have to deal with it - even if it takes years of retribution. I am hoping for a day, when my wife might accept the idea of my cding and realize it is not a threat. :)
Thanks for your post and sharing.
Love,
Stephanie

[Raychel]

Thanks for sharing your story Kathy. I have learned many thing from other on this board from this type of advise. Hopefully others will also learn the correct and incorrect way to deal with the issue of crossdressing. And most importantly that Family should always come first.

Thansk again for sharing your story.

[mklinden2010]

Don't hide stuff...

Geeez.

Once again, in the most intimate relationships you'll have - and need - in your lives, don't dig a hole under yourself by hiding things like this.

When you meet people, and they want to get to know you, let them.

Better to burned for the truth than buried alive for a lie.

Sorry about you and your wife's upset.

Just keep apologizing and maybe she'll keep you around because you're so damn good at it.

Good luck.

[quietone]

what ever you do do not pressure the situation more than it is.try kissing her ass the most possible youll need 2 do that.and in due time things will mello out and then you and her can talk.it wont be easy but i wish you the best.

[TGMarla]

Ouch. Kathy, that's real upsetting. I'm sorry that your situation has come to this pass. I think that many of us take our crossdressing for granted, and it has become rather integrated in our behaviors so that we do not notice it as something that anyone would get upset with. Why should they? We don't. In fact, we like it. It's a form of artistic expression involving creation, transformation, and beauty. We are butterflies. But we don't see this from outside ourselves. We don't see that the women in our lives have a difficult time getting their minds around this whole thing. And when it all comes into the light, it's a lot for them to take in. They feel that they are not woman enough for us, or are not pretty enough, and that we are compensating for what we perceive as their shortcomings. Even though this is not the case, they easily jump to this conclusion. They do not see that the need to crossdress eminates from within us, not from them. They do not see that this brings us closer to them emotionally, rather, they think we're filling our need for a woman by becomming a woman. It is a difficult idea to explain at best, so most of us fumble for words and say that we cannot explain, further leaving our women out in the cold on the whole thing. I have no good advice for you, but to continue to show your love to her as best as you are able as often as you can. She may well find that she loves you in spite of what she sees as your shortcomings.

[TxKimberly]

Awe, I'm so sorry Kathy!

[rachellenicole]

Thats a very difficult position to be in, all you can do is love her and try to work through it....

Just my humble opinion,

Rach

[Karren H]

Awww... Hope things turn out ok.... I remember when my wife found out.... There was a lot of freaking out and crying............ she was pretty uspet too!!

[Joanne_2003]

So sorry to hear this, I hope you and your wife can work it out.

[bredalee25]

Kathy,

It's stories like yours that makes me glad my wife knows I dress and allows me to dress in front of her.

I hope all works out for you and your wife. Maybe one day the two of you can dress up together.

ttfn

[curse within]

Kathy,

That was the most senceable, logical and unselfish approach I have yet seen on this Forum... I applad your courage , your honesty and most of all the respect you gave your wife . You understood what your wife does not, you knew she has no Ideal why we do what we do and how it is so hard to keep it under wrap. You did not lash out at her and instead of expecting her to understand you and what you are going through ,you took her hand and understood what she was going through.

When our loved one's see the one they care for commit what is unaccepted by society the biggest mistake most of us make is approaching it as a oneway road. We try to force an understanding on why we are who we are.
You did not do that ,you tried to understand her feelings and carried it out in a way that you cared how she felt. I have a feeling you will work it out it has to with the commitment that you have shown towards your wife. We sometimes forget it's our issue and it's one that our loved ones do not!!! have to accept.

[amyj]

So sorry to hear of your situation, Kathy. But hang in there. She may be asking herself a whole lot of questions, and the best thing you could do at this point is give her a little space to figure things out. I commend you for being totally honest. You sound like your marriage is still strong, so just hang in there. Best of luck to you both.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My first time was when my spouse found my makeup. At first, she thought I was having an affair - well maybe I was with my alter ego, JoAnne. This led to my first serios talk with my spouse. This happened not too long after we were married. Now my spouse knows where everything is. She doesn't mind so long as I keep everything in JoAnne's room - yes, I said roo - JoAnne has her own room !
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler

[MJ]

you know everybody should explore the forums way more our wonderful gg here at this very site give very good advice on this matter yet either some are scared or just don't believe they will ever get caught.
what will it take to finally be honest with our wives ... for gods sake we trust them with our very lives and our bank book!!! but our secrets can lose a wonderful marriage and everything we own.
who's sorry now ? what damage have you done? and what damage is yet to come.
i hope you can save this but don't lie it only makes things much worse

[debbeelee1]

Good luck to you and your wife Kathy! I hope you two can work it out and stay happy together. I'm different, I've always been out to my SO and her daughter. I think that no matter how carefull someone is about hiding their crossdressing stuff, someone is going to find out. That only makes it worse.

[Sedona]

Wow Kathy, just wow. Thank you so much for your honesty and openness. I think a lot of members here can learn a lot from you.

Best of luck repairing your marriage!

[Alice B]

You are dealing with a very difficult time and set of circumstances in a very positive way. I think in time your marriage will become stronger as a result. Good luck.:hugs:

[Patty]

Sorry to hear that, small steps now

[Andrea's Lynne]

Kathy

Thanks for sharing with us. You and your wife are definitely in my thoughts tonight!

God Bless!!!

[paulaN]

IMHO you may have a chance. Because your wife has come to this forum. That might be what she needs to understand us and therefor you. I wish you the very best. May God bless.

[cd_britney_426]

Sorry to hear about your difficulty and I hope everything turns out right. I don't have a long history of relationship experience so my advice is not to be considered expert by any means. As difficult as it may be I do believe you have to focus more on the long term than the short term in a relationship. I had a spouse who was very controlling and finally one day I just packed up my stuff and told her goodbye. It is not something I wanted to do but I had to. A true friend is someone who accepts you for who you are. They don't have to agree with all of your decisions or like all of your interests but they have to be there for you as you would for them. When it comes to a spouse then the same is even more true. When a spouse tries to change you then sooner or later it will not be a healthy relationship. That is what happened to me and I knew eventually it would break down. Having to hide your crossdressing and other things may work in the short-term but not in the long-term. Granted I don't know your full situation but if you cannot be who you are because your wife has decided to attach strings to the relationship then eventually you might be the one to have to separate and move on. Good luck. Britney

[Tora]

Many of us who have been married for more than 35 years, never had the advantages of the knowledge and insights, the non-pornografic view of Crossdressing. Heck, I thought I was one of a very few, if not the only. I thought marrage might cure this. The internet has been a blessing for many.

Thanks for the courage to relate your story. Trust of the SO is a fragile thing.

[beenherelongtime]

good luck to you and your wife, it sounds like you really love her and i hope the two of you can work it out.

[marny]

it ain't easy being green!

[trisha59]

Kathy, If ever there was an example of how to handle things after being found out your post would be it. As others have said take it slow and respect those boundaries.

[BeckyGG]

Hi Kathy,

I have read your post and i can relate to it very well, i found out my SO cross dressed just under a year ago by so it happens coming across this website being in the favs and seeing a photo.

It was really hard to understand and I understand how your wife must be feeling, its very confusing especially for GG's who have no idea what cross-dressing transgender etc is all about - at first i thought my SO was gay and could not understand why my SO did this.

I left for a while and did some research on the internet - this helped so much and i begin to get an idea of what it was all about.

The best thing I did was ask questions and talk all the time to my partner about cross dressing (as you said in your post you talk before bed at night which is fantastic)

What some partners don’t understand is that its not just the initial shock of finding out or being told about cross-dressing, its that it might have been kept a secret and relationships are based on trust.

In time things will get easier... I accept my partner and his fem side, although I do find it hard sometimes with certain things. Take it at a step at a time, and remember being honest is the best thing.

Not only is hard for love ones finding out or being told, I now know how hard it must be to actually tell loved ones about cross-dressing - I believe its equally as hard.

I wish you the very best! Xxxx

[SherriePall]

Kathy -- I know that right now things are very difficult. Yet, if you take it nice and slow with your wife and treat her right and show her that you really love her, your relationship with her may become stronger than it was.
I pray that this is what happens between you two.

[Kathy Leigh]

Thank you gurls for all your wonderful messages of support.

Lots of thanks to the GG moderators who have been so helpful to my wife. Things are stable now and there is lots of talking. Just a lot of work for me to do getting her trust and acceptance.

Love,


Kathy Leigh

[Angie G]

It a bad thing to have happen to you and I wish you luce in making it right with her hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Lisa Catherine]

At the 2008 SCC, my first time in public en femme, as well as my very first CD event, I met more than a few happily married couples, a few 20+ years, and one 30+ years!! I hope and wish that you and your Mrs. will end up joining their ranks!!:love::hugs::2c:

[Mercedes]

Kathy, given the work you and it sounds like your SO is putting forth I hope your relationship can even grow stronger from this experience.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Mercedes XOXOXO

[Megan_Girl]

I'm sorry to here that you and your bride are traveling a rough road. I can truly sympathize as know full well the turmoil you are feeling. 16 months ago after 20 years of marriage my wife disclosed that she had discovered that I was a CD. Since then we've been through the ringer..........anger, tears, the talk of divorce. We experienced the entire spectrum. We have since vowed to save our marriage and have found some solace in therapy. We each have our own therapist, each specializing in gender issues and marriage.

Your advice is right on the money - Never a day went by that I didn't ask the big "IF" question. "IF I could only do it all over again". But I know that back then I didn't know who I really was and was deep in denial about my condition. I did the best I could knowing what I knew at the time.

I have since, with the help of my therapist decided to stop beating myself up, put away the stick and learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

Today our marriage is stronger - Perfect - no.........improving - yes. But I (we) can't take it for granted and have to work daily to care and nurture it. For us, frequent, open and honest communication is key.

Thank you for sharing your story, it allowed me to share some of my. If there is anything I can do or you just need someone to listen - send me a PM.

XXX
Megan

[TSchapes]

I feel your pain. It sounds like you're making good progress. If you want to talk, please PM me!

Love, Tracy