Therapy

[Lisa Pomeroy]

Hi,

I'm new and overwhelmed by the number of threads and I bet anything this has been covered before, but rather than go look for it (and I do need to make my ten posts...:battingeyelashes:) I just want to ask this again...

Actually, it's a two part question with a setup:

Setup: Having discovered my CD interest just last month, and feeling...not exactly worried, but in need of a little guidance...I made an appointment with a therapist I had seen several times a few years ago when I was going through divorce. It didn't go well. I felt clearly that she was uncomfortable. She referred to me being "in crisis" (which I don't agree with) and suggested I call a colleague of hers, who, when I checked him out on the web, turned out to specialize in childhood sexual trauma. I felt shamed.

Question 1: Does a person having recently discovered herself through dressing, such as myself, necessarily need therapy at all?

Question 2: If I do decide to go into therapy, how do I find a therapist who will neither shame me or, on the flip side, maybe push me farther into inter-gender space than I actually really want to go? I feel like I could use some help figuring this out, but it just seems so polarized, I'm concerned I won't be able to find someone who will just help me find out who I am without an agenda of his/her own.

Also, I would welcome other late-bloomer stories about therapy or deciding to do without...

Thank you sisters!

Lisa

[Angel.Marie76]

I was given these references:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1504549&postcount=2

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Finding someone who is familiar with Gender Identity Issues is helpful, but not necessarily required. I've just started seeing a therapist myself, and she's more than qualified in GID and TG/CD/etc issues.. so it's great to talk to someone you don't have to 'explain' a million things to right off the bat.

Best of luck to you!

[Tracii G]

In my case I don't see the need for therapy I'm good with it.
If I decide to go with hormones and go 24/7 yeah a therapist would be in order.
Getting in touch with your femme side is not abnormal by any means IMO.
One schooled in GID would be a must.

[Sedona]

Yep, great advice and links. I've seen a therapist a few times about CDing issues. When I found her online, she was advertised as dealing with gay/lesbian/gender issues. She's been great, and there is no problem talking with her.

Good luck!

[KarenS]

I've been crossing to the other end of the closet for well over 40 years now. I have purged numerous times. My wife does know I cross to the other end of the closet occasionally. Sometimes I even take it bewteen the sheets to share the experience.

As for therapy... I've never had any and I have still managed to stay pretty screwed up within myself. lol

I'm certain some people would need a professional to help them - others not. I suppose it realy depends on how bad it hurts to not understand youself or how badly it affects others you consider significant in your life.

I couldn't make a recommendation if my life depended on it.

I don't know If I will ever figure out who I am. But, I'm o.k. with that. I have found it immensly helpful to come here and participate in the threads - understanding that there are others out there who go through similar feelings and desires. I enjoy my feminine side. When Karen decides to express herself, the subdued demeanor and accpetance of others is greatly increased. I become more tolerant, try harder to keep an open mind and to understand, and become more forgiving. Many of the stereotypical masculine traits involving power estruggles seem to become subdued when Karen expresses herself.

Please don't miss-understand. I mean no disrespect.

[Edyta_C]

I had been seeing a therapist and it did not really help. I got some meds and that made me feel better, but did not solve the issues. When I started reading and chatting here, I found many answers to questions that were in my head. I feel great now. I hardly ever get more than peaved now, where as before, I would get really mad. I am calm and serene. I have found most of me with the girls help. I am now almost off the meds and still feel great.

So the therapist is a good route if you have gender identity issues, but I think if your just one the CDers on here, it will not do as much for you. It isn't too hard in some areas to find a therapist that is able to deal with TS /GID/ and CD issues.

Plus the gang of girls here will help in anyway they can.

Hugs Edy

[Elizabeth Ann]

Lisa,

I am one of those late bloomers you were asking about. There was a trickle of occasional panties, and one memorable Halloween when I was younger, but I only seriously began crossdressing in my 50's.

I have participated in therapy for depression and for couples counseling. The crossdressing was only one of the issues dealt with. You will get a lot of "I don't need no stinkin therapy" on this forum, but I think it is quite useful. It is not the magic potion that solves all your problems, and it is not uncommon for some of it to be quite painful.

But I have appreciated the insights I have been led to by a trained and objective professional. If you do seek a therapist (and if you think you might, I think you should), then look for one who is not an advocate for anything in particular. They should be there to illuminate your path, not to tell you where to go.

Take a look at a short thread I started a while ago titled "How do I pick a therapist?" You will find it at:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=75294

There is a long and useful message from Vtvicky, who is a psychiatrist and a crossdresser.

Good luck,
Liz

[Karren H]

I don't need to pay someone to tell me I love to do what I love to do and it's ok! I'd rather spend that money on makeup... lots and lots of makeup!! Consumer therapy!! lol But then again that's just me...

[stevie b]

Everyone deals with this in their own way. I have dressed on and off for most of my 50 years, but since joining this site and a local support group I was able to work out that I was not CD but TS. I now see a therepist as I am going full time in 09.

[StaceyJane]

I tried a couple of different therapists online. One placed so much emphasis on immeadiatly coming out that we could never discus anything else. I finally found one that was willing to let me discuss what I wanted and still provide pratical suggestions to help me.

[Cathytg]

I have tried two therapists and spent my time educating them about cross dressing and gender issues. It is rare to find one who is actually informed. Would you take a chest pain to a foot doctor? Not all therapists are informed well on all issues.

However, just keep sharing on forums like this and get around to see other CDers in groups such as Tri-Ess and you will be fine.

[Laura Jane]

Why would you need therapy unless you 'feel' guilty or ashamed or your life is falling apart!

If its the early stages of a new 'Hobby' or lifestyle and you ain't going to harm other people, sit back and enjoy the ride!

[docrobbysherry]

I started CDing in my 50's. And it disturbed me A LOT, at the time! :sad:

I was seeing a therapist at the time, because of my divorce. We discussed my dressing for about 30 minutes one session. Then, she said, " Let's move on to your PROBLEMS!" :eek:

If u feel u have PROBLEMS caused by your dressing, U SHOULD SEE A THERAPIST, I believe. If not, don't. Therapists help u with problems. If u don't have any serious ones, they won't be able to help u anyway!:heehee:

[AKAMichelle]

I chose a therapist who specialized in Gender issues. She was nice, and very accepting. Most of my issues at the time consisted of issues not relating to gender. It was still nice to have someone not go off on a rabbit trail about gender when my real issues had nothing to do with it. She did help explain some of the gender issues while I was there. She helped a great deal and I feel like I need to talk with her again now.

I got some advice that makes more sense than anything a therapist has told me. You need to explore your feelings and find that place of balance. Balance in your life will be where you find that peace within with or without clothes. Most of the people on here who seem the most accepting of their CD'ing have found balance. They can accept this about themselves and they have found a way to deal with it. They embrace who they are without the guilt. Often times we beat ourselves up about the guilt of what we do. We were made this way for a reason. Unfortunately many of us will never know why. Even without knowing the why some of us will find balance and a way of dealing with it that allows us to function in life. The worst part about being a Crossdresser is that there is no magic pill to make you feel better. There will be times of enormous guilt and others of pure pink fog.

The one thing that I can suggest to you is to dig deep within yourself and get to know yourself and where these feelings really come from. Taking this step doesn't mean walking out the door dressed or transitioning, but it does mean to learn what makes you tick. It will take time, but it will be worth it.

I still haven't found that balance yet. It has been almost a year and I still have issues which I can't decide about. So far I have found that I am truly a mix. Very male in business and very female in personal life. I get very angry about the conflict and sometimes can't deal with it. The inner peace seems to elude me so far, but I continue to try.

I hope your journey will be easier than mine.

P.S. You don't necessarily need a therapist for this journey. I see mine about every 3-6 months as needed. She just helps to explain things on my journey.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I am here to say that you do not need a therapist - I do not have any faith whatsoever in therapist - first of all, you probably will learn 100 times more information on this website than you would from a therapist - this is my opinion.
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler

[mklinden2010]

>>>Question 1: Does a person having recently discovered herself through dressing, such as myself, necessarily need therapy at all?


It's probably of interest to figure out, "Why now?"

If you had no strong "background noise" over your lifetime to do this and suddenly jumped into it, then something pushed you, right?

You may have, therefore, come up with a short term fix for what's really a long term problem - which isn't CDing at all.

So, therapy "for" CDing is, perhaps, not what you need. Or, if it bothers you later, not what you really need at this time.


>>>Question 2: If I do decide to go into therapy, how do I find a therapist who will neither shame me or, on the flip side, maybe push me farther into inter-gender space than I actually really want to go? I feel like I could use some help figuring this out, but it just seems so polarized, I'm concerned I won't be able to find someone who will just help me find out who I am without an agenda of his/her own.


Well, first you make the effort to ask, either here, other people, or, the yellow pages...

Once begun, your feelings and your experience with resolving them will guide you... It may take several attempts to get on the right path for you.

Personal therapy is about finding and solving problems that keep you from feeling you are living happily and well. Until you're right with you, you're distracted and upset and not living as well as you feel you should.

Living well takes directed effort at living well. I had a friend who had "night sweats" both day and night. Went to many doctors, over two years, who treated him for kidney problems. Finally, since that wasn't working, his wife insisted on a full body MRI and - he had cancer! Tumor was behind the kidney symptoms...

Therapy is a business. Find someone who can help you figure out what your real problems are and help you work out a solution, or, solutions, to the real problems in your life - which may turn out to be just like many other people's problems... Just things you need to learn how to deal with better.

In any event, shop for satisfactory results, as you define satisfaction or come to define satisfaction - not just for the sake of looking like you're trying.

Go to the doctors and therapists with the goal of eventually not having to go to them at all.

Get healthy, stay healthy.

[RobynP]

Hi,

I'm new and overwhelmed by the number of threads and I bet anything this has been covered before, but rather than go look for it (and I do need to make my ten posts...:battingeyelashes:) I just want to ask this again...

Actually, it's a two part question with a setup:

Setup: Having discovered my CD interest just last month, and feeling...not exactly worried, but in need of a little guidance...I made an appointment with a therapist I had seen several times a few years ago when I was going through divorce. It didn't go well. I felt clearly that she was uncomfortable. She referred to me being "in crisis" (which I don't agree with) and suggested I call a colleague of hers, who, when I checked him out on the web, turned out to specialize in childhood sexual trauma. I felt shamed.

I am not sure what you mean by "not exactly worried, but in need of a little guidance..." Specifically about your CD interest? I am thinking that you are reaching out for help of some sort but aren't too clear on what you need which may have been your initial therapist saying that you were "in crisis".

All therapists have multiple specialties, generally grouped around the same general field. The second therapist should have additional specialties other than childhood sexual trauma...

If you feel you need to talk to a therapist, I highly recommend that you find someone who specializes in what you think you need. Your initial therapist was very professional in referring you to a different therapist because your issues are outside of their specialty. You can always go back and ask for another recommendation...

Do you need therapy just because you have discovered yourself through crossdressing? Based on the way you ask this, I would have to say no, but I am not a doctor or therapist... This is just like if you said that you were having some back pain and should you go see a doctor... There is no way anyone could determine from what you state if you just need a couple of days of rest or if you need pain medication along with physical therapy. Some people might recommend you run (or walk) to a chiropractor...

If you feel you need help and you start therapy, do not be afraid to change therapists or stop therapy if it isn't working...

Robyn P.

[JoanFlores]

Are there any CD terapists on line ??

[jarts55]

I had real bad depression. Talked to my doctor about. She set me up to see a therapist. Got on a waitting list, still haven't seen her. I was at the point of ending it all because of the depression, went shopping bought some things and the depression was gone just like that. So now I know what to do when depression comes my way. JUst take her out shopping, sure makes me feel better.

[Carly D.]

IF: you see nothing wrong with dressing this way..
IF: you need to have someone tell you it's ok (paid professional)
IF: you are sure that you were councelled by a quack.
don't bother seeing anyone


If on the other hand you think what you are doing is wrong and need someone to talk you off the ledge then talk to a shrink.. I don't see anything wrong with cross dressing as I do it because I don't harm anyone else while doing it..

[Bobbi-cdnm]

Lisa: you don't need a therapist. You need a new bra nd a nice pair of panties.

[Suzy Harrison]

I have never felt the need to see a therapist as I feel comfortable with myself.

The only time I ever did was to convince the therapist that transistion is what I needed and to get a referral to see an endocrinologist.

It cost me $160, I felt it was a waste of time as I didn't learn anything - but I came away with the referral, so it did the trick.

I think it's only worth going if you feel confused or worried about who you are


.

[Lisa Pomeroy]

All,

Thank you soooo much for your support and thoughtful comments. I may or may not end up finding someone professional to talk to, but right now, really, I don't see the need...all the good advice, useful information, and warm encouragement I could ever need are all right here!

I did what several suggested and went shopping on the way home from work...my first shoe-shop at a Payless. The sales girl was polite and helpful, and I got my first set of really high heels--brown, open toed, with cork heels, and as it turns out when I got home, half a size two large...even though I tried them on in the store. Next time I'll actually walk in them...live and learn...

Anyway, I also stopped for more pantyhose and another set of clipon earrings...and I feel all better now.

You girls are great...

Lisa

[2b.Lauren]

As a therapist that does not practice in the area of gender identity, it is difficult to say if a person needs to have a therapist. The same goes for just about anybody. Do we need therapy for any areas in our life that are difficult or need better explaining? It depends on how this is affecting you and your life. I have been asked by others on this site if I ever discussed in theapy my dressing. While I wondered if I needed to mention my dressing to my current therapist (even we need counseling and help) I felt like this is not a part of my life that I identify as a problem currently. I am very comfortable with my dressing, and find myself to be on the road to accepting myself, without guilt or other issues causing me problems. Here is a very important part for my own growth. Since our relationship is such a mess the last thing I need to do is explore this issue. We have enough problems as it is. If our relationship were better I could see me talking to my therapist regarding ways that I could open the dialog about crossdressing with her and eventually come out to her. However I do not feel an urgency to mention my dressing in the confines of talking about other issues I am dealing with in therapy right now.

I am not a late bloomer to dressing, I am however a late bloomer to putting it all together. I was mainly a lingerie/panty wearing and occational full dressing but never venturing very far from the safety of my living room. I just went out for the very first time last month. I must add that it was a very freeing experience for me, and I was able to really put both inside and out together in that one simple night. Even that experience did not give me any fuel to discuss this with my therapist. I do not see it as a problem. If however I was totally enveloped in the pink cloud and ready to go over the deep end then sure I would see it necessary to seek counseling first (hopefully) before being so caught up I am not able to make decisions about what I am doing on my own. I enjoy my dressing and I am happy to pursue it without feeling as if I need to question or explore why in a theraputic environment. I do believe in never saying never, it is just that now I am doing well enough without going there.

Without further discussing my experience I want to comment on your question. Others gave you some very similar information to ponder. I just feel like if you are going through some guilt, or feeling ashamed of what you are doing and find yourself unable to answer these questions for yourself, then yes seek out a therapist. If it is causing you to feel depressed or anxious then again seek out a therapist. If you just have some general questions about you and what is going on, you can save your money and ask many of the individuals here in this forum. I assure you that most of us here have experienced what you are feeling and going through at some point in our lives as crossdressers. So think about your motives for wanting to seek out therapy. Even if it is just to have someone that you can safely come out to, then therapy can be a great place to begin. We are held at a very high standard of ethics. If we do things that go against the regulations for our liscense in the state we practice in then we risk loosing our ability to practice and could expect a law suit. So you should be able to share without fear of your confidentiality being broken unless you are at risk of hurting yourself or someone else. Ethics are the hallmark of our practice. I hope you will find information here that can help you find where you want to go. Be kind to yourself and enjoy what you are doing.

Lauren

[jenniferTgurl]

I can't speak for anyone other than myself but for me I don't see a need for one. I am very comfortable with who I am, and have a pretty good idea of the direction I need to go to acheive my goals. I am convinced that I am a female "inside" and some how my plumbing just got messed up. If someone is unsure of these things I would say a theripist would be a good idea.

[Raquel June]

To be blunt, anybody who doesn't believe in therapy is ignorant. A lot of people have real problems that they know about but are also in denial about. They dismiss theapy because they don't want to have to look in the mirror. That said, simply being a crossdresser does not mean you'll get a lot of benefit from therapy. Crossdressing doesn't necessarily mean you had a traumatic childhood or trouble dealing with your life or relating to others. Depending on your therapist, bringing up crossdressing might just confuse you.

I especially think it's absurd when I see a crossdresser who has purged several times and obviously has guilt issues saying he/she doesn't believe in therapy.

I guess I would say that if you have problems go see a therapist. Therapy really helped me when I was suicidal after a bad breakup and couldn't think straiight. I never brought up any gender issues, though. My concern was that the therapist would fixate on the gender issues when it's not something that I feel is the focus of my life (and was not something my ex even knew about).

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I've been seeing a therapist now for over 10 years. In fact, the one I had been seeing the most had passed away recently and I found another one who understands my issues regarding many things. It helped to not have to go back through it all again.

Even better is that I wouldn't have touched one 20 years ago, but I am seriously glad that I finally did because it helped put a lot of my inner turmoils into perspective. Its not for everyone, but it sure helped me out a lot.

I hope you find what you are looking for :)

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[DTelia]

If your CD'ing thoughts keep you from functioning or focusing at work, as a parent, spouse, etc...I think it would be wise to find a good therapist...if not, you're probably fine. My wife helps me deal w/ the feelings of confusion, etc. I don't dress, though the temptation is there. We work on things together...she will braid my hair, give me little pigtails, etc, and sometimes paint my nails, but it's minimal AND it's always w/ her. I do not wish to do it on my own. If I were to start doing it on my own, I think it would take me down a road that is not in the best interest of me or my family.

This is my opinion of course. By the way, I have noticed that when I serve others - like my family, neighbors, etc...I think less about me, and about CD'ing.

I've had these desires since I was 4 years old, but little by little I've gotten stronger.

[Desiree2bababe]

I had therapy in my late teens and it helped me understand my fetishes and why I loved dressing as a woman. When he delved futher into homosexuality and transvestism, I quit going as I wasn't ready to accept my bi-sexuality at that time. Later in life I visited a therapist while dressed and it turned out she was into bondage and found transvestites quite the thrill.

Therapy can be good but don't expect any answers. They like for you to answer your own questions.........

[rachelgirlnw]

Hi Lisa,

This is a good question! I'm in the late bloomer camp, too. My first thought was if you are good with who you are and what you're doing, then maybe therapy isn't for you. Besides, this site acts as great therapy for all of us.

Then again...

I saw a therapist a few years ago to help with mild depression that I was fighting. I also told her that I occasionally crossdressed which caused me some shame & guilt (you know - "I'm obviously screwed up. how do I fix this?" thinking, binging & purging, religious & family values, etc.). She shrugged and said okay. We then explored research showing interests and activities spanning the spectrum (watch the movie 'Kinsey' sometime). In the end, I learned to accept this feminine part of myself which both explained so much of the past and relieved so much future stress.

Okay - sorry for the long post - but here are possible advantages of therapy:

1. Coming out as a crossdresser to family & friends has the big risk of rejection and life chaos. Coming out to a therapist does not. They are sworn to confidentiality and if you find a good one they will probably have good questions to consider & explore. So this might be a good first baby step to test the waters and see how you still feel.

2. If I come out to my family, I'm sure one thing I would hear is "This is some mid-life crisis or weird sex thing. Get a grip and stop it!" This site is a great sounding board, but it would be good to work thru details and questions one-on-one and in-person with a therapist first before even considering going any further. If I did later decide to come out to my family, I would also have that backing and not just a "well, I have done a lot of reading on on the internet" reason.

Regarding how to find a therapist, ask your doctor if he can recommend a therapist to help you "work out some issues". Look for ones where they have an office with many therapists. That way, if the rapport isn't there between you and a therapist, switch to a different one. Don't worry about hurting their feelings by doing this either. There are many different styles and good ones will encourage this, too.

I wish you all of the best!

Rachel

[Angel.Marie76]

I wanted to add in my thoughts, I guess to be complete, in regards to therapy and dressing.

For years I was a completely closeted dresser, not a single one of my friends knew, and most assuredly, my son and family were also kept in the dark. During this time I felt that being a CDer was really something that I wanted to just enjoy in the quiet sanctity of my 'private time', and was happy with that - no therapy needed.

It took meeting an accepting SO to bring out the reality of precisely HOW much, apparently, I've wanted to be able to bring more of my dressing /out/ of the closet just so I didn't have to feel like I was hiding what I felt was this important and interesting part of myself. Being able to talk to my GG SO about everything was one of the most uplifting and releasing feelings that I could ever describe. So, perhaps, in having someone to confide in who presumably cared about me enough to 'work through' the difficulties was, in essence, a form of self-therapy.

My effort to find an official therapist is more a professional and systematic personal step towards preparing myself for, and helping me with coming out to my son completely as a CD, as well as the other people in my life that may not be as accepting (such as work, family, and the public at large) as perhaps my more open-minded friends (of whom I've already started coming out to more, one at a time you could say, in small pieces of flair here and there.. ;-} ). While wanting to ride the wave through the Pink Fog, I've just wanted to make certain that I wasn't getting ahead of myself - going public is something I feel that I want to be able to do, within a timeline that is appropriate to me of course.

For the record, I've never, EVER been a big fan of therapy, having SOs and family go here and there, and then my son directly related to divorce and separation/anger issues. I'll admit that I've not ever seen a councilor or therapist myself before; This is a big step for me. Just me, though, and that's all this is - a perspective from one particular path.

To each there own on their own journey, may it be as good a one as possible. :)

[Tomara]

I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 1/2 years and have had nothing but positive results in the issues she has helped me with and the support she has given me.
I started to see her for help with relationship issues after failed marriage counseling and my divorce , when I learned she worked with others with gender issues I decided to tell her about my cross dressing and my feelings about all of it , she was and is very easy to talk and has been a huge help to me in many ways.
You have to be willing to explore your feelings and have a competent therapist for positive results.
Good Luck in which ever way you decide to go with.
Tomara