Junior
12-30-2008, 06:39 AM
I am a 33 y. o. college graduate, (currently saving money for Graduate school) finally “coming to terms” with my identity. I’ve always known I was different, and claimed a masculine image at the age of 4. A great many arguments, and not a few fights, with my mom revolved around my refusal to wear “girl” clothes. :puke:
I was able to preserve my male self image until the age of about 9 or 10. At that point, my folks threatened to have me institutionalized, i.e., locked up in a mental hospital or some other facility. It would have been simple enough for them to carry out that threat. As a minor, with significant physical disabilities on top of my so-called “gender issues”, my parents could have easily signed me over to the State. Instead, they enlisted the help of the school district and the Special Education process and embarked upon a “reorientation” campaign to feminize me in the guise of “normalization”.
I fought this onslaught successfully until female puberty hit. I was devastated when I developed breasts and started to menstruate. In my head I was still a guy, but it became virtually impossible for me to maintain that identity publically. My mom’s attitude basically was, “Ok this has gone on too long. I tolerated this when you were younger, but you’re a teenager now so stop pretending.” The social pressure became very intense and I tried to become the person that everyone around me told me I was supposed to be. I really tried to (pretend to) be happy in this female body, for several reasons: 1) At the time I didn’t know that transitioning was even possible. 2) I was thoroughly traumatized by the experience of having my mom force me to expose myself to a complete stranger to “prove” that I was not a boy and most importantly, 3) I was told by everyone I knew that God did not make mistakes, that God intended me to be a girl, and that if I just tried harder (wore make up and dresses) I would “get used to it”. The only thing I got used to was self hate and wanting to be dead. In college, I came out as a Lesbian, but felt like that didn’t fit either.
I went into therapy and started to finally face my masculine drives that I have tried all my life to suppress. I thought I had put this issue to rest. I made a decision about 5 years ago, not to pursue transition (particularly surgery) for the sake of my family. I thought being able to dress male would be enough. It isn’t. I find myself increasing resentful when people refer to me with female pronouns. I hate it when people call me “ma’am”. I want to be seen as male. I want to be seen as male and not be accused of “deception”. I want to become real.
If you got this far, wow! Thanks for reading my story.
Have a beer :drink:
~ Junior
I was able to preserve my male self image until the age of about 9 or 10. At that point, my folks threatened to have me institutionalized, i.e., locked up in a mental hospital or some other facility. It would have been simple enough for them to carry out that threat. As a minor, with significant physical disabilities on top of my so-called “gender issues”, my parents could have easily signed me over to the State. Instead, they enlisted the help of the school district and the Special Education process and embarked upon a “reorientation” campaign to feminize me in the guise of “normalization”.
I fought this onslaught successfully until female puberty hit. I was devastated when I developed breasts and started to menstruate. In my head I was still a guy, but it became virtually impossible for me to maintain that identity publically. My mom’s attitude basically was, “Ok this has gone on too long. I tolerated this when you were younger, but you’re a teenager now so stop pretending.” The social pressure became very intense and I tried to become the person that everyone around me told me I was supposed to be. I really tried to (pretend to) be happy in this female body, for several reasons: 1) At the time I didn’t know that transitioning was even possible. 2) I was thoroughly traumatized by the experience of having my mom force me to expose myself to a complete stranger to “prove” that I was not a boy and most importantly, 3) I was told by everyone I knew that God did not make mistakes, that God intended me to be a girl, and that if I just tried harder (wore make up and dresses) I would “get used to it”. The only thing I got used to was self hate and wanting to be dead. In college, I came out as a Lesbian, but felt like that didn’t fit either.
I went into therapy and started to finally face my masculine drives that I have tried all my life to suppress. I thought I had put this issue to rest. I made a decision about 5 years ago, not to pursue transition (particularly surgery) for the sake of my family. I thought being able to dress male would be enough. It isn’t. I find myself increasing resentful when people refer to me with female pronouns. I hate it when people call me “ma’am”. I want to be seen as male. I want to be seen as male and not be accused of “deception”. I want to become real.
If you got this far, wow! Thanks for reading my story.
Have a beer :drink:
~ Junior