Help please!!!

[jamie_44]

Hi everyone and happy holidays to all!
This may be a little long but here goes: I have been transitioning for awhile and still live at home with my wife and 3 teenagers (and mother-inlaw). I bought the bigger house for everybody 8 years ago. (for my little musicians-drummer, guitar, and keyboard). I need to give my wife freedom and live in my own place. We can not manage two households financially. (actually we can not manage the one house) It will be upsetting to my children if they have to move into something smaller and it affects their music practicing. I will be the guilty party again!
My wife also tells me that I have lived a lie (never a male) for most of my life, (true because there was not much help when I was younger).
How is it that all the professionals I have seen say you have a "serious mental disorder" when diagnosing my gender identity disorder yet insurance does not pay for anything? The transition costs have been expensive with hormones, and facial hair removal. Money my family could have used. I also have lung spot and lymph node that gets scanned every 4 months, more$$$.
I have the following coming right at me; bankruptcy, divorce, mother recently diagnosed with kidney failure- dialysis 3-4 times a week and I just lost my father recently to brain cancer. My job is day to day also.
How much can one person take and what do I need to do to keep my family happy? I feel like I am being suffocated! There is no joy right now!
I went to a stress center in the summer for sucideal reasons. I fear that again.

[Sharon]

Wow, Jamie, you're certainly dealing with a lot right now. :hugs:

How much can one person take? It's a tough question to answer, but I like to think that I can handle whatever is tossed at me, plus whatever the next thing is.

Take it from someone who has been there, suicide is never the answer. Got that? Never! Your children need you, especially now when the family is dealing with so many things. To have them live their lives with the knowledge that their father left them by committing suicide is just too cruel and life altering for them.

Okay then, the nitty gritty: The house you live in is unimportant as long as you have a place with a roof and the family is together. That is all that is important. Some of the greatest musicians in history grew up in one room apartments and they managed just fine, though, admittedly, it must have been hell when they were just beginning (lol -- I once lived next door to a young boy who was learning the trumpet and I thought I would go nuts until that day when I realized he had gotten quite good.)

Finances are a burden for many of us. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made and we need to prioritize what things are more important(that roof, food, etc.) and what things aren't quite so important, at least in the short term. Only you and your wife can decide what is what. Can you suspend your hair removal sessions for awhile? I know you hate the hair, but shaving for a little while longer isn't that great a deal when you have more pressing issues. This is just a suggestion, however.

Anyway, you are not alone, not as long as you don't give in to your depression. Fight it! That's right, just tell yourself that you don't give a damn what is tossed at you because you and your family will be the stronger for it once this has all passed. And try to be optimistic. You will beat this somehow, though, perhaps, in ways you can't forsee. Once you surrender to your turmoils, you have lost and your family has lost. You know that musty old saying that "it is always darkest before the dawn?" Your dawn is there waiting for you if you only open the shades and let it in. Yeah, sappy I know, but it's true.:)

Be strong, Jamie, and I promise you that a better day is ahead for you. :hugs:

[Mean Green Irene]

Jamie - I know a little of what you are going through and have been to the point of suicide several times. It is not the answer. Things change with time. You need to stick with it. Your children and yes your wife still need you. A smaller place might ease the burden but moving is also a burden. You are not alone in your problems. Most all of us have been through depressions, divorces, and family breakups. Keep talking to us.

With my prayers, Irene

[MJ]

i understand how you feel . as i lost everything at the beginning of my transition. you have a house a family be thankful for that and if you can concentrate on them.
you should have a family meeting over your issues and try to work through them. all i can do is give you big :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: all the best sis