Are we asking our spouses to be lesbians?

[helenr]

I wonder if one of the key reason most crossdressers encounter spouse opposition is the unintended, but perceived, thought by the GG that if she goes along with the crossdressing husband (who , after all, is wishing to impersonate a woman) , that makes her sort of a lesbian.
Naturally, none of us would wish or imply this directly, but I do believe that women have this subconscious concern. What do others think?

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I think this is VERY possible. I know my wife would love to hold my (Kim's) hand when we are out in public, but she thinks other people will perceive her as a lesbian.

[Kate Simmons]

I think most wives just want the man they married Helen.

[Karren H]

I think most wives just want the man they married Helen.

:iagree: Yep... That's what my wife wants....

[Eva Marie]

Perhaps better to adress this question directly to the spouses.

[sissystephanie]

I think most wives just want the man they married Helen.

That certainly is what my dear late wife wanted! Although she fully accepted Stephanie, neither she nor I ever thought of our relationship as being a lesbian one. We went out together as two girl friends, but nothing further!

[linnea]

This is an interesting question. There is very little likelihood that we will get a definitive answer. But the question implies that how we appear defines our sexuality. I'm sure that it affects our feelings, but the relationship has more to it than the outward appearances--or so I hope.
If women are concerned about or want a lesbian relationship and we (CDs) give them the means to have it, aren't we, then, lesbians too?
I don't think so.

[Billie Jean]

My ex said she felt as if she was having a lesbian affair having sex with me while I was dressed. Billie Jean

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

My wife is totally cool with when I'm dressed. We don't do it every time I'm dressed and I won't push it because I don't want to spoil a good thing. I think its basicially up to each GG and how they feel.Just my :2c: worth



Felicity :)

[Jeannie]

I agree with Airianna, Karren and Sissystephanie, I think they just want to have the man they married and they are tolerating this because they love us. It's always a big discussion with me and my wife about shaving the hair off my whole body. She always says she wants to keep her hairy man. Yet she tolerates my dressing and even helps to pick out my clothes for me, but I know it's because she loves me. I never force or beg for her to make love while I am Jeannie. I want her to have what she likes and it is a small price to pay. It is why we have been married for almost twenty years without fussing and fighting. We both have been down that road too many times.

Jeannie

[Lesley Ann]

You have made an interesting point Helen. Obviously I cannot speak in general terms, but in my relationship with my SO we have discussed it, and she admitted that although she has never had a lesbian relationship, she has often wondered what it would have been like. Does she feel our relationship is a lesbian one? No. We have during the past eighteen months (although I have known her for considerably longer) since we have become 'friends' our relationship has developed as girlfriends, we share clothes (both being the same size, except I am taller) we share gossip, make-up, and sometimes dress as twins! We have also discussed my sexuality having worked in the variety theater for some forty odd years I have had my moments, as a result I can understand what it is like for a woman to be 'hit' on, and how difficult it can be to tell someone you are not interested without hurting their feelings.
(by the by, I have been asked to perform in a new year show in London on January 5th, as Lesley Ann, but I have a hospital appointment on the 6th so I am not sure) Would I like our relationship to develop to wards a lesbian one? Who would be 'Martha' and who would be 'Arthur' if you get my meaning it think it is best how we are, I am happy I hope my SO is happy as things stand so I a not about to raise questions that I don't know the answer to.
Sorry if I have gone on to long, but as I say Helen you raised an interesting question, :idontknow:
Lesley Ann

[Violetgray]

Well, those of you who identify as a straight male, consider this...

What would the average husband feel like if his wife decided she wanted to make as convincing a man as possible? If you don't like men how would you feel about kissing someone wearing a glued-on mustache? What if she did make a convincing man, and wanted to go out in public with you holding hands? The scenario works best if you imagine that you were a typical male with no interest in crossdressing.

I know that at least some of us would be uncomfortable with the notion, just because she likes to transform herself into something that we're not attracted to (male). This is something that every hetero partner of a cd is going through, and it makes me appreciate them all the more. As Helen Boyd once said, "Transgenderism isn't something that happens only to one person in the relationship."

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Well, those of you who identify as a straight male, consider this...

What would the average husband feel like if his wife decided she wanted to make as convincing a man as possible? If you don't like men how would you feel about kissing someone wearing a glued-on mustache? What if she did make a convincing man, and wanted to go out in public with you holding hands? The scenario works best if you imagine that you were a typical male with no interest in crossdressing.

I know that at least some of us would be uncomfortable with the notion, just because she likes to transform herself into something that we're not attracted to (male). This is something that every hetero partner of a cd is going through, and it makes me appreciate them all the more. As Helen Boyd once said, "Transgenderism isn't something that happens only to one person in the relationship."




Violetgray,

Thats a very good point that you brought up. My wife wouldn't where a glued on mustache(she hated it when I had one a long time ago and begged me to shave it off)but she'll where drab jeans and a golf shirt and I'm still attracted to her. I guess it depends on how each person feels.

Felicity :)

[Shikyo]

The thought of the partner wanting to turn, or even be female is rather harsh on everyone. First of all, they fall in love with a guy, did they not? But that does not mean they will not continue loving each other, but I think that in the beginning it might be rather awkward on both sides.Like Violetgrey said, put yourself into her position. How would you feel if she'd try to imitate a guy?

Not in all cases is the actual thought of being with a "girl" but the thought that other people think she'd be a lesbian. In other words, she does not want to be seen as a lesbian, despite not having a problem with being together with a "girl".

[Lanore]

I'm not married or have a SO, but I have wanderred how it would feel if it were reversed. Say your wife or girlfriend wanted to dress like a man and you were a straight male. Would you hold hands while you were shopping or walking down the street? And would it affect your sex life?

[Sedona]

Well, those of you who identify as a straight male, consider this...

What would the average husband feel like if his wife decided she wanted to make as convincing a man as possible? If you don't like men how would you feel about kissing someone wearing a glued-on mustache? What if she did make a convincing man, and wanted to go out in public with you holding hands? The scenario works best if you imagine that you were a typical male with no interest in crossdressing.





Great points. I keep stuff like this in my head when I ask my wife if she minds if I get waxed, or dress a bit more, or whatever. It's easy to be too greedy with our CDing lifestyle.

[Nadia-Maria]

Sometimes I ask me whether the possible bisexual orientation of the GG is one of the key factors favoring the TOTAL acceptance of the husband's CDing.

If the GG is very feminine but not lesbian at all, and preferring masculine company way over feminine one, it would be very difficult for her to bear looking at the husband all dressed up femme, and make love to her dressed femme as well, I mean.

Even if the GG is broad-minded and loves truely her husband, the complete absence of any lesbian tendancy will tend to limit her acceptance of CDing I believe, except the cases of sacrifician love (or the cases of unbalanced relations where the husband is dominating).

I wellcome the experiences from CDers having extremely accepting, highly participating and encouraging SO, who moreover are loving sex the more when the husband is dressed.

[Jennifer in CO]

One of the comments I have left out (every time) was when my wife asked me to go back to "being" a guy... she added that she wasn't a lesbian and was tired of feeling like one. It wasn't easy being that my breasts were bigger than hers...

Jenn

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I don't know whether we are asking our wifes to be Lesbians, but I think they feel like that - they don't like it - to some degree, we are asking our spouses to be our girlfriends and if we get into the sexual aspect (being dressed for sexual intimacy), then I think we are asking them for a Lesbian relationship - the ideal relationship, I guess, would be to have a GG who was into CDing as a male so the roles would be changed.

But all in all, the majority of GGs want us as manly men and not girly men.

Thats my opinion,

JoAnne Wheeler

[Jess_cd32]

When I come out to my SO the first thing I'm making clear to her is this is not a sexual thing between us and calm her fear of that right off the bat.
I know if I tried to interject cd-ing into our sexual relationship it would be disasterous to say the least:doh:

I'd like to hear more from the women what they think overall seeing their guy dressed, what are they thinking?
I agree with the general consensus of the few posts I've read that if a woman is bi or bicurious that it would be easier for her to accept the cd-ing but I also realize there are exceptions to that.

What would we be thinking if our SO dressed totally male complete with mustache and said they wanted to dress this way around the house?
What would we think if they wanted to have sex with us dressed male?
Could you look into your SO's eyes and kiss her with a mustache on?
I'd find it odd at first and be confused whats going on with her honestly, so I can understand an SO's feelings to a degree.

An open door of communication is the best thing when it comes to dealing with our cd issues with our SO's, unfortunatly that door is closed to often by most SO's soon after coming out.

[Jennifar]

I do see were you are comeing from I have ran in to that same problem myself with my wife. She tells me that she cant handle me cding but she is willing to buy cloths for me. We went to the mall and bought me a new Prom Dress (Very Sexy) and she wants me to wear it for her but I know she will fell uncomfortable. So I agree, But how would this apply to women that are Bi or Bi-courious. And they still might fell unconfortable.

[Cissy Chiana]

I guess it depends on how much you can seperate the person from the idea of the person, people come in all shapes and dress sizes where as we tend to have a fixed image of a person in our minds and if we don't see that idealised image anymore then it can become problematic and that's when stress and resentment can come into play...

[sometimes_miss]

Well, those of you who identify as a straight male, consider this...

What would the average husband feel like if his wife decided she wanted to make as convincing a man as possible? If you don't like men how would you feel about kissing someone wearing a glued-on mustache? What if she did make a convincing man, and wanted to go out in public with you holding hands? The scenario works best if you imagine that you were a typical male with no interest in crossdressing.

I know that at least some of us would be uncomfortable with the notion, just because she likes to transform herself into something that we're not attracted to (male). This is something that every hetero partner of a cd is going through, and it makes me appreciate them all the more. As Helen Boyd once said, "Transgenderism isn't something that happens only to one person in the relationship."

I think the problem with this scenario is that you're asking the wrong type of people. We're already comfortable with gender bending; we know the 'costume' doesn't define what we are. I wouldn't have a problem with a gorgeous female trying on the male role and attire at all; I'd know what's underneath; some things you can't fake.
But we aren't 'most men'. 'Most men' would freak out if their SO wanted to do this, much as 'most women' do when they have to deal with us when it comes out.

[Janie Gunn]

For starters is could only be purely a perception, a fear of how it would be percieved by others if seen in public, because dont forget 'lesbian' is a term that applies to a woman who is sexually attracted to a person of THE SAME sex, and in comparison, a transgender male is a masquerade, technically not a female, so the term lesbian is irrelevant.

[Toni_Lynn]

Ohhh--- good topic here!

Yes -- this is a fine line to tread, and one that is working for my wife and I. As a part of our fantasies when making love we have had fun with it as a fantasy. Do either of us have any desire to cross that line in real life? Not at all. One must always be careful not to confuse fantasy fun with real life. The reason we both feel confident and okay with our fantasy lives is because we have talked about it first. What we do is mutually agreed upon, and neither one of us would make the other do something that we don't want to do .. and we only want to be with each other for we are complete and total soulmates and lovers to the exclusion of all others.


What would the average husband feel like if his wife decided she wanted to make as convincing a man as possible?

First thing here is that neither my wife and I are average. So to your question -- again my wife and I talked about this. So, part of the agreed upon boundaries is that our fun, as it occurs spur of the moment, may include her wearing men's underwear or jockstraps, and acting the guy, saying certain things, etc .. while I act the girl. At times we've both acted as f2m CDers -- yes I've worn men's stuff then. Does it mean that I am telling her that I have gay male leanings? No.

We tend to see CDing as theatre in a sense There are certain aspects of it that are like stage acting and stay there on teh stage of our great sex life!

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Shari]

Even if the wife might think that, don't you believe that many would enjoy the "safety" of their SO while en femme?
They can go there and not feel any guilt.
The more my wife participates with Shari while dressed, the more of my own personal guilt I'm able to shed.
Overall, our thing can be considered threatening to many of our spouses. It could even be considered a form of cheating, as it were. You're turned on more by the clothes than you are of me, or something similar.
My wife even told me once that SHE wants to be the pretty one in the bedroom.
If she wants to play out her fantasy, most definitely allow it. She's letting you do what you want to do.
Quid pro quo

[helenr]

Hi, great comments. I am happy that I posted something of interest to others. When I used the word 'lesbian' I wasn't really wishing it to carry all the sexual connotations-just that our behavior would put them feeling super awkward. Good remarks about if the GG were to dress as a male with a fake mustache,etc-that is thought provoking.
I think most of use keep our crossdressing private and not 'in their face' since it usually is hard for wives to ever accept that you longer want to look like the male they exchanged wedding vows with. this naturally is painfully hard for us to keep this inner self bottled up,but we do what we must.
"We learn in the school we are taught" is what my 96 year old mother in law is fond of saying. It is just so hard for a woman -or man-who has been brought up in a strict, formal manner to accept any 'abnormality' to what they have learned is 'normal'. My wife knows I crossdresss underneath and seems indifferent to seeing my pantyhose clad feet in my slippers. Yet, when I mentioned that I borrowed a silk scarf she received at Christmas and announced that she didn't care for silk scarfs-when I took the dog out for an early morning walk-and the scarf was not visible-she said 'that's a woman's scarf' with a bit of alarm-as if all the neighbors witnessed it and the phones were buzzing over this spectacle! I reasssured her that no one could see it, but I realized another 'taboo' was being challenged. I will never understand. Helen

[Violetgray]

I think the problem with this scenario is that you're asking the wrong type of people. We're already comfortable with gender bending; we know the 'costume' doesn't define what we are. I wouldn't have a problem with a gorgeous female trying on the male role and attire at all; I'd know what's underneath; some things you can't fake.
But we aren't 'most men'. 'Most men' would freak out if their SO wanted to do this, much as 'most women' do when they have to deal with us when it comes out.

Hmm.. I'm not sure I get what you're saying. I disagree that I'm asking the wrong type of people, if I can understand the concept that a man might be freaked out by a true mtf cd (jeans and a flannel ain't cuttin' it) I'm sure that others can. Sure we aren't most men, but I don't think we need to be to empathize with our valiant women who got more than they bargained for when they got us!

[BrianaMarie]

Girls, I would have to agree with Helen and also with Violetgray. This is a hard one. As a GG I fell in love with my SO completely 100% as a man. I've known him for about 10 years, we were pretty close friends for at least five years before our relationship became sexual. It wasn't until recently that I found out about the CD'ing. I had suspected, but couldn't put my finger on it for sure so it wasn't a huge surprise when I did find out. If anything it almost made me feel better in a sense. I've had my tryst with the girl on girl thing, woman are beautiful, some gorgeous in fact and it was all fun but just not my thing. Finding out about the cd'ing in no way shape or form made me feel lesbian or even Bi.

In my opinion, there clothes and it's an emotional expression an outlet. I admire the man I fell in love with and realize now that emotionally I fell in love with the fem side of her just as much. It's part of the package, he wouldn't be who he is without her and I'm not sure I wouldn't feel the same if "she" wasn't around.....it's not lesbian, it being opened minded and secure with yourself and your sexuality. If your SO's or wife's have issues, I would have to agree that it's more than likely their problem, their insecurity or their question of their own sexuality.

[DemonicDaughter]

Do you want to be perceived as something you are not?

[Jenniferpl]

According to my wife, my cross dressing does not make her feel lesbian. Since I still have all the correct parts and "no bumps to play with", I am still her main man. We have done some role reversals in the past, which she encouraged. She has able to live the fantasy on an occasional evening in the safety and comfort of her home.

[Jess_cd32]

...............when I took the dog out for an early morning walk-and the scarf was not visible-she said 'that's a woman's scarf' with a bit of alarm-as if all the neighbors witnessed it and the phones were buzzing over this spectacle!

My phone was buzzing when our old neighbor drove by and saw me out brooming my curbs clean during a heavy rain storm wearing my SO's rain coat that was 8 sizes to small:heehee: and a black plastic bag on my head tied like a babushka, they still laugh over that one:doh:

Now when I wore her lingerie once and modeled it for her she didn't find that so funny:eek: