i came out tonight

[Rayna]

Wow... i posted a big long uh.. well.. post to my livejournal tonight explaining Rayna and who I really am.

Not to cut this whole thing too short, but I am totally suprised.. everyone who read it is completely supportive!

[womantrapped2005]

Everyone is like that on here. It's like one giant support group for each other.

[Tristen Cox]

You might want to put up the link to your journal on here :)

[Rayna]

You might want to put up the link to your journal on here :)

i dunno about posting the link, but i'll quote it here....



For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that I'm not very much of a masculine guy. It's really been no secret, and people have known that since I was in grade school. I never really got into sports or any of tha traditional guy stuff... Heck, the only really masculine thing i've ever been into is cars/driving fast.

Well there's a part of me that I've kind of been holding back from everyone. I've never really felt like I was a guy. Never been interested in the things the other guys are interested in.. Heck, most of my best friends, growing up, were girls.. I just got along with them better and had similar interests. I dunno why this was the case, it just was.. it was never really a conscious decision.

Even that voice in my head (come on, you all know you have a voice like that too) is female. Well, the logical conclusion to all of this is.... I'm female... Well, with some extra bits and pieces, and maybe lacking a few bits and pieces here and there.

This is something I've been struggling with most of my life, and quite frankly it's made me downright miserable at times. I'm told the technical term for this is "Gender Dysphoria". Lucky me, huh?

Well, needless to say, my parents aren't the most tollerant people in the world, coming from fairly conservitive roots. This is something that has never been and will never be discussed with them.

Before I go much further, I'll answer the questions that I expect will jump out immediately...

Am I gay?
No... I'm bi, but thanks for asking.

Does this mean I'm going to get a sex change?
Nope.. why bother spending thousands of dollars on something that is probably not going to turn out right, and is completely irreversible... The world is also not accepting enough for me to place myself in a position of ridicule. besides, i make cute babies

Anyhow.. back to where I was.

As for who I am... I am pretty sure that I've developed a male persona to try and fit in with society.. i've never felt terribly comfortable with it, and never felt like it was really me.. more sort of uh.. living a lie or something. Oh well, it's part of me now, and i'm used to it.. and i dont think it's ever going away.. that's fine with me, it's who i am because it's who i have been. You all know this side of me, it's Jason.

Then there's the female side of me. Recently Shanna helped me find a name for this side of myself. Let me introduce Rayna. This part of me has always been there... even for longer than I have been aware of it. I guess this is who i really am, and probably who i was supposed to be anatomically too (one of the guys on god's assembly line made a mistake and ordered the wrong parts, eh?). Oh well. Yeah, there's the stereotypical term "Girl trapped in a guy's body". I guess that applies here, doesn't it.

This is all really confusing.. Hell, I barely understand it myself, and I don't expect that you will understand it any better than I do. By the way, this is a screened posting, and I have only posted it to those of you whom I feel I can trust with this information, and I trust that you will all be accepting of who I am. Please understand, I'm not a different person. I'm the same person you've all known all this time, and my personality is pretty much the same, except i've started cutting out the whole "pretending to be macho just enough so that i fit in, kinda" thing.

I hope this made some sense so far... So I will go on.

Do I prefer to dress like a girl?
Yup. Can you blame me? The clothes are more comfy, more interesting, and frankly guys clothes are #$#@ boring! It makes me feel more like I am who I am supposed to be I guess... I can't really say I do this out in public, because I'm still scared of getting my ass kicked by a group of angry christians... heaven forbid I don't live up to their code of morals, or that i criticize their god for f'ing up my gender.

is my wife ok with all this?
yup. this is something we have talked about at great length (mostly because i have a hard time believing she's ok with it). But remember, she's bi as well... so i'm like a lesbian with some handy attachments

So what does this change? Nothing really... except maybe you'll see me wearing a skirt every once in a while, or i'll be a bit less nervous and won't try to hide my nails if they're painted. This is all stuff i've been living with for a long time, and quite frankly i'm tired of hiding it. This is who I am. Nice to meet you all

doesn't this make me weird or something?
nah.. you'd be suprised how many people are like this... you probably know at least 10 others.. just most of them don't admit it in public for fear of ridicule. Heck, it was terrifying back when I told Shanna all those years ago!

Why did I decide to tell you about this?
Like I said. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of wearing long pants to hide the fact that my legs are shaved. I'm tired of scrambling to change clothes when someone comes over. I'm tired of having to hide my nails when they're painted (c'mon, they look SO cute in blue). I'm tired of having to hide my real personality and having to lie to you all about who I am.

Honestly, you should all feel honored that I trust you enough to tell you about my secret. Up until now there were only 2 people who knew (aside from a forum of like-minded individuals on the internet). If any of this makes you feel uncomfortable, please, I'd like you to tell me, and talk to me about it. Honestly, I won't be offended if you think it's weird, or messed up. The fact that you can feel open enough to tell me that means a lot more. I don't want to make any of you uncomfortable either.. I never want to make you uncomfortable by portraying myself as Rayna when it makes you nervous or uneasy.


what about my marriage?
Isn't it nice that this isn't considered gay marriage? I love Shanna with all my heart, all my soul, all my being. Every breath I breathe I do so for her. I wake up every morning with her in my mind and I go to bed dreaming of her. She is my wife, (or i'm her wife), my confidante, my life-partner, and the mother of my beautiful daughter. I wouldn't give her up for anything. I love being her partner.. and besides, she's joked about me being her wife for years... you all just didn't know how accurate it was!

is there anything else that's messed up or weird that I want to get off my chest while i'm at it?
nah, not really.. that's really the only thing I've been hiding from everyone.


So what do I prefer to be called? Jason or Rayna? He or She? Him or Her?
Honestly, whatever you're comfortable with. I've learned to accept being Jason for the last 25 years... But if you want to call me Rayna I'd be flattered! If you refer to me as a she, or her, you'll probably catch a smile on my face. But like i said, it's whatever makes you comfortable

All I'm really looking for is to get this out in the open, and hopefully get some acceptance of it and maybe some support :) I don't hate myself or anything (although keeping all this hidden and having to lie has created quite a bit of depression and anger).

What about my daughter, how will she know me?
I haven't really figured that part out yet. I'll let you know when I know.

Does this mean I'm going to go to work with makeup and a dress?
Nah... I'm in sales, silly. Making my customers uncomfortable is *STUPID*

Is this why I got my ears pierced?
You caught me

Hmm. I'm trying to go over all the possible questions you might have, and I think I might be out!

ooh.. good one..
so are you gonna go get all glammed up and look like a drag queen with outrageous makeup and rediculous over-the-top outfits?

no way! That's not my style at all! I'm just your average girl next door. I don't care for heels, and I think excessive makeup is disgusting! I dunno, my style isn't much different from Shanna's. Jeans and a t-shirt, maybe a skirt here or there.

Well. I think I'll stop here. I'll tell you it feels *REALLY* good to get that all off my chest (no chest jokes please). Now I just pray that you guys will be accepting of who I really am. Oh heck, you guys have probably already figured it out by now anyhow!

If you have any questions or if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I BEG of you to talk to me about it. I don't want any pent up hostility or anything being held back. I totally realize that this is not really the social norm, and I expect that you might have questions or that some things might make you feel edgy. I won't be offended if you ask or approach me about it :)

--Rayna

Current Mood: relieved

[Sharon]

I'm happy for you Rayna -- this was a very brave thing to do and I admire your honesty and frankness.
I assume this journal of yours is for friends and/or family only. And I'm sure you are relieved that everyone has beens supportive towards you. I know from experience that most people's reaction is non-judgemental, at least from those who know you best.
Congratulations!

[Elysia]

Congratulation Rayna, you’re a very brave pioneer. I wish you all happiness and look forward to hearing about how things go from here. Good luck.

[CharleneCD]

Rayna,

Way to go girl. I realy enjoyed reading your journal entry. well thought out, well spoken, I feel that I got to know you much better. I am so happy that the people you felt you could trust with the journal post are being supportive. Good luck luck in your future growth.

[Peggy Sue]

Dear Rayna :clap:

It is a courageous step you have taken, congratulations. Reading about your youth was like reading my own life history. I was never into the traditional "guy things" either. Like you I was always more interested in being with girls and girly activities. Unlike you I never developed a relationship with a girl as boyfriend-girlfriend. It didn't seem to be a natural path for me to go. I guess I was always more interested in their clothes, hair and makeup for it to happen. However I admire your strength of character to "come out". I don't think I could ever make such a move.

Love to you and all,
Peggy Sue :love:

[Holly]

Rayna,

Truely an inspirational thread! Your straightforward approach makes a lot of sense, at least to me. I think being proactive rather than reactive put you in a stronger position. Of course it surely didn't hurt that you have had a loving and supportive wife by your side. Rock on. girl!

[Melissa A.]

Isn't it funny, when you look back at the things that used to scare or worry you, how little they come to mean, eventually? We're meant to be who we are, and eventually our conscious brain catches up and stops worrying. Or gets sick of worrying. Whatever.

Really happy for you, Rayna. And impressed with all you wrote. I can relate to much of it.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Rayna,

That was a beautiful post,I am very glad you shared it with our sisters here,it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.Thank You.

[Wendy me]

Hi Rayna way to go for the longest time the person that scared me the most to let know of who i am was me...now that i am comfy with that i am working on small steps
my mom knows ...my wife knows but we have a lot to do to get things "right " with that ....exelent job and a real good read ......

[StephanieCD]

Whoa.

Wish I had what it took to say those things - you're on a roll!

[Olivia]

Bravo Rayna, Bravo!! You have handled this so wonderfully. What a great explanation and introduction for your friends. Well done girl! Olivia