Identity Crisis

[cd_britney_426]

I don't usually post here but instead on the Male to Female Crossdressers section. Anyway, I'm starting to seriously wonder if I'm actually transgendered and am pondering what further action to take. I'll try not to make this long but knowing me it will end up that way. For starters, I always knew going back to about age 2 or 3 that something was very different about me but I couldn't really place it. Throughout childhood I wasn't really interested in a lot of the typical "boy" stuff but at the same time I wasn't exactly all that interested in the "girl" stuff either but just wanted to kind of do my thing whatever it may be. Without going into unnecessary details there were plenty of markers of various sorts that indicated something wasn't quite right.

At 15, I discovered that I was gay and came out accordingly. I'm 24 now but I have noticed that there is still something that I am just not comfortable with in my life. Even though I am mainly into guys, I have never really identified with other gay men very well and the dating and relationships always seemed to have something missing. A couple of years ago I checked out a gay bar which acutally turned out to be more of a transgender bar and made quite a few TG friends there and have been fairly regular since. To cut to the chase, in April 2008 I decided to try "drag." That is what I called it at the time and I didn't really know what I was getting into. So a couple of TS friends helped get me all dressed up, make-up and everything, and I even shaved my entire body. When I looked at myself in the mirror it was quite shocking mainly because it seemed too real.

Since then I have only crossdressed sporadically here and there doing it a total of 14 times (only counting the times out in public). I know I need a lot of work but that is a side issue. During this time I was simply treating it as a hobby and just an alternate identity. Not too long ago it all just suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that I really am a girl inside. Maybe it is a false alarm and maybe the fantasies I have had of implants, hormones, and other things are just that but the more I question myself and the more I try to re-evaluate things, it is obvious a door has been opened that can no longer be closed.

This is really stressing me out a lot lately because I really don't know how best to proceed. I don't have a lot of experience with clothes, make-up, and passing although everyone seems to say I do a good job. I have not really come out to anyone and I have a job that I depend on for income. I'm at the point where I know I can't just wake up one morning and forget that Britney ever happened but at the same time I'm uncomfortable unless I keep doing more Britney. So if any of you have been able to read my rant, do you have any ideas on how to best proceed? I have to say I am a bit confused because even though I know what I feel, shouldn't I have figured this out a long time ago? Britney

[KaraChristine]

I don't usually post here but instead on the Male to Female Crossdressers section. Anyway, I'm starting to seriously wonder if I'm actually transgendered and am pondering what further action to take...

Hey Britney,

First off, let me tell you that 2 years ago I was pretty much EXACTLY where you are now in just about every way. The exact same realizations, the exact same slow discovery that I didn't quite fit in with or feel drawn to most gay men, the experiments with drag... right down to the same doubts... Amazing parallel experiences!

What most people will tell you is that it's time for some therapy. I know it's such a cliche and you might not imagine right now how you could manage to start, but it's a genuinely good idea. There are a lot of sites online that can help you find a counselor experienced with gender issues in your area (there are links at tsroadmap.com for example).

I slowly came to the realization that all the doubts and reservations I had about expressing my true female self were about OTHER people - guilt that I was letting everyone down, fear that no one would accept me as female, sorrow at losing the love and respect of my family, etc. I finally just had a moment when I realized that all that stuff doesn't matter - I was female inside from the day I was born and the only thing that really matters is being true to myself.

You have a RIGHT to be exactly who you are and express it openly. It's not something you have to sneak around hiding, or that anyone ALLOWS you to do. It's the right of every human being to express themselves in the way that's true for them without hurting others. If you accept these things and still want to make the choice to live your life in a different way then I believe you have to go for it.

Also remember that there a billion different ways to express your gender, and there is no "formula" that you have to follow to transition. Some people are totally content just allowing themselves to more fully express their cross gender emotions while still living as their birth gender. Some people just "dress up" once in a while and are totally happy with that. Some people change their name and live as the other gender but never take hormones or have surgery. And a lot of other people go all the way and transition physically, emotionally and socially.

Until you can fully face exactly who you are, your relationships with others will always be phony and false on some level. If you're questioning what you want, an experienced counselor can help you discover exactly who you are and how much you want to express it. If you're sure that you want to transition, then a counselor can help show you how it can really happen.

Either way - please remember that posting here and asking for advice is a HUGE and great first step. You'll hear lots of ideas and experiences, hopefully you'll be able to use them to help you make some good decisions for yourself.

Good luck and Happy New Year to the new you,
Kara :D

[cd_britney_426]

Thanks for your response and support. I'm still not 100% sure what exactly I want but I feel so much better and more confident now that I am actually listening to myself without any type of a filter present. Society seems to manipulate us into setting up filters to cause us not to listen to our true needs. I can't say right now whether my future will include a full transition including SRS, a partial transition (hormones, implants, etc.), full time or just part time crossdressing.

What I do know is that a door has been opened that can no longer be closed. Part of listening to my needs has taken a different approach. Instead of me thinking about what I want and then questioning if these are simply fantasies I have actually questioned myself on what I don't want which is giving me more of an accurate picture. For instance, I imagined myself with complete transition including SRS and how I would feel and then I pictured myself getting rid of anything female (clothes, wigs, etc.) that I own, forgetting that Britney ever happened, and moving on with my "normal" male life. After pondering these two extremes it was without question that getting rid of Britney would not bring happiness and would likely bring about unhappiness yet at the same time the thoughts of transition I really couldn't object to.

Anyway, we will see where this all goes and I think I will just take it a day at a time. I'm not going to rush things but I'm certainly not going to waste time on this either. Britney

[Chloe84]

Hi there Britt,
So i would tell you that Your in the exact same place that Im at right now. my bigest difference was that i was about 13 when i realized something didnt click in me, and for the longest time i just assumed that i was a very feminine guy. I have always been attracted to women, but when i would fantasize about love making, i would alwyas be the one being made love to, be it a man or a woman. As i got older i noticed that my feelings for women stayed the same, but my feelings for men increased, but i could never see myself in a gay relationship, i wasnt attracted to a man wanting to treat me like a man, and in every relationship with girl, i was always the submissive/female role.

Well it wasnt till this last year that i decided to try drag, and after that I knew that i had opened up a can of worms. I felt like me. the person i saw in the mirror was finaly the person i felt like on the inside. so after some reaserch i decided to make the plunge and give a thereapist a call, and honestly I think im on the right path.

So i say, make the call. even if your not transgendered, you as well as anybody can always use a person to talk about your feelings/hopes/ and wants for your life.

Best wishes for you

Chloe
XOXO

[jillleanne]

Hi Britney, the girls that posted are right. Time for a little therapy from a good therapist who has experience in gender issues. It wil all work out perfect in the long run for you. The reason you haven't discovered 'you' until now, is because society has gender enhanced people suppressed so badly into hiding/denial. Good luck hon, you are finally on your path to life.
Hugs, Jill

[tanyalynn51]

I let the doubt eat away at me through years of denial and instead wound up with years of drugs, alcohol, and homelessness. Now that I have accepted who I am, I have been drug and alcohol free for years and havent been homeless for 14 years. Dont let it eat away at you. See a counselor, so you can understand who you are.

[Sejd]

My advice to you is "Don't rush yourself" If you are dependent on your job, then it might be a good idea to ease slowly into a transition. I tried that myself when I had to work out of the house for a whole year in 08. Because I did a gradual transition no one even noticed. They just thought - well, this person is a bit different but, so what? I did not make a complete transition with them, but my point is that you have a lot of time to figure things out for yourself. You can avoid a lot of gender confusion if you are a little patient and let time peel the old masculine layers off, one by one. But again, we are all different. That's just my experience.
Good luck
Sejd

[Diane Elizabeth]

Hi Britney, I have a similiar story. Just recently I found womens clothing to my liking. I have been bisexual for most of my adult life. I have a hard time distinguishing my fantasies of being a woman from my desires in life. I don't know for sure where I am in the spectrum of all this. I do plan on getting conselling soon. Hope I can clear the clouds in my mind and either advance my crossdressing or stop it. Like most people I have a lot to lose as I am 56, married with kids/grandkids. Dyan

[Kelli Michelle]

I would just say this---without experiencing the possibilities, you may never know what you are, or want. Give it a try (with therapy as appropriate) and then make the decision. Heck, you can even change your mind---it's allowed!!!!

[BrittneySmith]

Britney,

I can 100% relate to your story, as I feel the same way. You are overloaded with emotions, and you're not quite sure how to process all of them. I'm going through the exact same feelings and emotions as you are as I come to grips with everything. I'm 31 and am just now making sense and trying to come to grips with the overwhelming feelings. I feel as though my world is crumbling around me, and don't know what to do. I'm in Chandler.

Brittney

[jennylw2]

I am going through a very similar thing now. Dressing since I was a kid, hiding it all my life. My last relationship was not good. The feelings, especially during intercourse were somehow 'wrong' for what should be a normal man having sex with an an attractive woman. I had the same kind of fantasies of being the woman, instead of penetrating her, she was penetrating me. That sort of thing. (sorry if that's too graphic).I'm still not attracted to men, but I don't think it's possible for me to be with a woman either. It's very frustrating and I know how you feel. I'm finally coming to grips with who I am and it scares the hell out of me. But, at the same time it is exciting to think about finally being free, free to feel the way I want, act the way I want (within reason), and love the way I want.

To both Brittney's: I am also in the Phx area. I am going to start seeing a therapist soon and she leads a group for TG individuals. I'm thinking about attending. If you are interested I'll be happy to give you the info. It might be nice to have some friends that understand each other in the same city. As we explore this new life and get to the point where we are comfortable going out, maybe we could all get together and do something fun. PM or email me if you like.

Good luck and hang in there.
Hugz,
Jenny

[BrittneySmith]

I find it so amazing, that so many of us all have the exact same feelings. I thought that I was the only one, that just didn't quite feel right. WOW.

I just set up my first appt. with a therapist, I'm so anxious. I'll keep you posted.

[gagirl1]

yep, i can join in on this party. Britney and Kara, both of you mirror almost exactly what I've gone through over the past year (Britney,we're both even the same age). The ton of bricks feeling? yep, I remember that. I can say that the first time I was dressed fully as a woman, I was shocked at how right it felt. It was like everything made sense. However, with that realization came lots of soul-searching and difficult times. I ignored it for a while, said it was just crossdressing, because I was too afraid to move forward. I'm still terrified, but I'm confident now that I am trans, and it's very relaxing to finally know who I am, and where my life my be headed. I'm glad that you posted here, that means you are searching for answers, and that is a very good sign. Therapy can be very helpful in finding answers to questions you have, and raising new ones you never thought were there. It sounds like you are approaching this with an open mind and rational thought, which is so so important. I would say, do not rush things, and you can always wait a day or two to think over a major decision. That being said, the whirlwind of emotions associated with accepting yourself can drive you to the brink of madness at times, but once the dust settles, it's like a serene sunset on the beach......just beautiful and peaceful.

[BrittneySmith]

The whirlwind of emotions is so true, and can be overwhelming at times. I've have been unhappy for so long, that I don't know what it is like to be genuinely happy. I'm hoping that this process(Therapy, exploration) will help me to make sense of all of this. I just want some answers or guidance as far as what lies ahead. I like others am deathly afraid of passing, and have yet to go out in public. I'm trying to remain optimistic about the future and just take it a step at the time.

[cd_britney_426]

I really appreciate everyone's responses here. As much as everyone has said "time to see a counsellor" I'm actually holding off. The reasons are time/money (we all have these issues these days) but also because I am becoming more comfortable lately in taking it slow in terms of my own personal discovery. This option is not ruled out and I'm sure I will be seeing a therapist within a number of months and definitely by the end of the year. I'm just not ready to schedule an appointment right away. In the mean time I am slowly building Britney in the ways I feel comfortable. I made a few New Year's Resolutions for Britney and I have already completed a big one: telling my mother. She said it is difficult and not what she would have wanted for me but she is fully accepting and will still love and support me if and when I begin transitioning. The cat may well already be out of the bag at work because a number of people at work have seen me as Britney out at the TG-friendly clubs. While these co-workers may be out at work as gay (they aren't trans that I know of) there may have been some talk since I have been getting some weird stares lately at work and others have been commenting on my hair being grown out. I'm not worried so much about being outed as I am about keeping my job period because of bad economic conditions (every day someone is getting fired).

The biggest part of Britney that I am working on is with the appearance. Obviously appearance doesn't define who you are but looking good gives you a sense of pride and confidence in your life. I will be "boy Britney" as necessary and identify as male with my male name such as at work, around the family, and in running regular errands where I am just not ready to go to as "girl Britney." But the second I get home to my apartment that is when boy Britney becomes girl Britney. I sleep in girl's clothes and wear girl's clothes while in my apartment. An outsider would see me with an androgynous look but I see myself as female and I'm by myself in my own home so there is nobody to care anyway. Friday and Saturday are Britney's nights out where I will don the wig, put on the makeup, and go out as Britney to the TG-friendly clubs and usually meet up with friends. I also reguarly remove all body hair to keep up the female appearance at least under the clothes (except the obvious male area :)).

While this is basically what I have been doing for awhile, I believe it is good to fine tune these aspects before taking the next step. Tomorrow (Monday) night I am going to a support group and talking about my trans issues. I have been to this group many times before to talk about my gay issues but now it is time to go back for my trans issue. I will go as boy Britney but there are usually a couple of post-op TS women there and group support can't hurt in most cases.

I believe the next step is to try to go out to non-trans environments (stores, banks, restaurants, etc.) as girl Britney. I want to do this before attempting HRT and potentially even before seeing the therapist. The reason is that I want to fully test the waters to see if this is what I really want. It is a test to see if the stares, comments, and even possible confrontations are worth being the true me. I see it as a filter because if I am not truly a girl inside then I will quickly lose interest in trying to pass in regular environments. If I can stomach the pressure then it means that I should continue to proceed with my discovery. In order to do this I will have to work more on my voice, my walk, and get regular girl outfits (tops and jeans, not just classy dresses for clubbing). I know this is a lot of work but I am confident on this. I believe I am doing things in the right order that works for me and at best I will end up as a post-op TS woman or at worst chalk it up as wonderful experience but be happy doing whatever works for me and however that falls in between any extremes. Thanks for all of your wonderful advice and help. :) Britney