Looking for advice

[tiffiany]

After a very long time away from this forum for various reasons, it feels good to be back and to know that this site is still here. Being it a new year and just being my birthday, i feel like I'm in need of some advice, so here goes:

For a year or so, i was living with a roommate and because he didn't know about my cross dressing, i wasn't able to be myself and as more and more time went on i got more and more depressed to the point that i eventually had to move out. Ive been living on my own now for awhile but just don't get the urge to dress that often to where i may go months without fully dressing and because of my grandfather passing away, i have been given the option to move out of state to help my grandmother out, go to school and live rent free.

It seems like a really great idea that i cant pass up but being that most of my family doesn't know i dress, i feel like the situation might eventually end up like with my previous roommate but yet i don't like being broke all the time or not being able to dress cause i don't have the money to support it. What would be the best thing to do being I'm still very young and working for a retail job i hate so much?

Growing up I never was comfortable being in my own skin, never felt like i ever fit in with any of my friends let alone my own brothers and as such i went through life as a awkward hesitant shy type of a person who felt like i should of been born something different. Because of this i eventually lost all faith in god and stopped going to church and eventually didn't want to be around people that were religious, let alone be part of there conversation which was hard for me because most of my family are really religious. I feel like this could be one of the hardest barriers i will face when it comes time to tell my family how i truly feel about myself and about how this is who i am. Am I the only one that feels this way? If anybody knows of any books or sites i could read, i would appreciate it.

One day i would like to possibly transition but for now i'd rather just be happy with who i am and take it one day at a time. But as time goes by and i get older, i get more and more the urge to want to be who i really am inside and interact with people in that mindset, to just be able to go out dressed and not have to care about what other people think.

Thanks for listening, looking forward to what people have to say about all of this.

[Alice Torn]

You sound almost just like me, only I am going on 55, still struggle with interpersonal relationship, still awkward, hesitant, and shy, have a hard time trusting, codependency, trouble with boundries. I understand the emotional pain, of not fitting in, feeling like no one understands, or cares, in family, church, work, society. I can only say, that life is not fair, or fun, that often, and for the deep thinkers, deep feeling, and sensitive, that have unmet needs, and life, and love deficits, and have to do work, on jobs they don't fit in with, life is tougher, than for "normies." I keep going, one minute at a time, though life is sad mostly. I was homeless for years, thankful to live in an apartment, now. I lived with roomates years, and very seldom dressed. I really came to think that I would never have my own dwelling, again! But, now that i have a place myself, for some reason, i don't feel like dressing more than a few times a month! Human nature- who can understand even themselves!? One day at a time, like you said. If it was me, i think i would go to your grandmothers, free rent, set goals, don't punish yourself. I am still working on that! I just lost my last living uncles, about to lose my mom, all 2000 mile away. Though, my dad and brothers dislike me, i would like to see them one time. I apologize for rambling, about my life. I struggled with the same stuff, including a church that condemns cding. In other ways, I agree with it, but stopped attending , because old bachelors are considered strange, there, but, also, in society. I empathize with your struggles.

[Julieanne]

Hi Tiffany -- You are indeed in a difficult place. It seems that if you don't dress much living alone then you're not losing much moving in with your grandmother. Also since you hate your job going back to school is an excellent idea.

The religious thing is difficult, and I understand how you feel. My advice is, at least at first, share as little personal information as you can. There are almost always GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered) groups on a college campus, and I suggest you look into that since, I assume, you are transgendered or something in that spectrum (as am I and many of the other ladies).

I have never really fit in that well -- I am also quite shy and I have spent years hiding my crossdressing. Like you say Tiffany, take it one day at a time. Don't try to solve all of your problems at once. There are a lot of transgendered and crossdressing resources on the web (like this wonderful one!) that are quite helpful.

Best of luck.

Hugs, Julie

[MissConstrued]

1 - That's the second time today I've heard someone say they hate their job. Go *&%$in' get a better one!

2 - You live alone. Why does your family need to know anything?

3 - Make some open-minded friends. Hang out with some of the weird subcultures -- Goths, Rennies, Pagans, Punks, Trekkies... whatever kind of social outcasts you think might be cool. We fit right in, and outcasts are way more fun to be around than your own family. :drink:

[Karren H]

If I were you... I'd go help your grandmother... go to school and try to better your position in life and try to blend in your treangendered issue as you go along... Being stuck in a low paying job in todays economy has to suck big time... Now that's what I would do.... but for me crossdressing is more of a hobby that I ca delay and put off when other, more important things have to be done....

[DonnaT]

You need to look at the distant future.

Living with your GM might be good, but how is she, health wise. If you think she'll be around long enough for you to get the schooling you want, then it could be a good option.

But, is she going to need you doing things that will affect your class schedule. Doctor visits, etc. which you'll need to take her to. If not, then it could be a good option.

Once you get that education, then what. Are there going to be jobs in the area? Are you going to have leave your GM to go get a job? How's the economy where she lives?

[boardpuppy]

I know how you feel, as I was reading your thread I could see myself. I could never put my thoughts down on paper anywhere as well as you have. I just wanted to let you know that their are other ladies here that are in the same place/feel as you do. There are numerous Ladies that know/understand and will always give an understanding ear/advice whenever you need to talk. If you dont have an SO then family is every important but you have to be true to yourself, otherwise youll have more problems down the road. Whatever you decide, keep use posted on your progress.

[curse within]

Iwould go help your grandmother.. Important rule of crossdessing is never let it get in between something you will regret not doing later. Common sense says go to school better yourself and for Gods sakes !! Spend time with your grandmother while she is still here..If you get the urges as little as you claim you do go rent out a motel room for a night or two..

[DawnRodgers]

Lots of missibg inb formation hgere. Where does your grandmother live and how would the accomodations be? What school;s are nearby and do theyt have courses that interest you? What is your grandmothers condition and what would you have to do? Certainly older folk love company and some help but are you ready to be somewhat ties down and, possibly, really ties down? In general, anything to increase your employablility or attractiveness to an employer is a good thing for your future. I would definiyely recommend a college education in these times - well actually in any times. Thuis may be a good way to do it too. But just remember, sometimes get more serious than we think they could and there are always ramifications. No matter what you do. Just have a plan, know what you are willing to do and put up with. TG and CD issues can always be worked out. Just pick a course that you will be happy with no matter what.
Dawn

[Alison010274]

I have to support the "Go the grandmother" route. If you can grant yourself the opportunity to go to school at the same time as helping out grandma, then more power to you. Don't get me wrong, you can not give up who you really are, but along the way of finding out who that exactly that is....be happy-most important thing in life.

[PretzelGirl]

Life is about balance in all we do. Crossdressing is a part of that and we all need to recognize that (see many threads where purging failed). But all other things need to be given their proper time and recognition (family, career, other hobbies).

Think about the balance in your life and where you want to go. As others have said, put yourself in the future and decide if you would regret any decision (did you spend enough time with your grandmother?).

In the end, accept that you made the best decision you could at the time and don't "what if" your past. I have seen more people get tied in knots on "what ifs" and it is all about things you can't change.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Hang in there - most all of have been there at one time or another - it is very difficult to be in your position - but I would try to live without your roomate unless you can confide in him.

JoAnne Wheeler

[Dragster]

Yeah, I agree with those who suggest moving to your gran's. It saves you money, gets you an education and your gran gets some companionship when she most needs it. Could you negotiate a "private" room for yourself, where you could store your things and dress when you felt like it? Old people often go to bed early, so you may get the run of the house some nights too. Could you tell her about Tiffany and expect it to be a secret only the two of you share. That would be the dream scenario!

Good luck,
Tony

[tiffiany]

It seems that if you don't dress much living alone then you're not losing much moving in with your grandmother. If you get the urges as little as you claim you do go rent out a motel room for a night or two.

I guess i should of explained more when i said i seldom have the urge to dress, what i meant is that i tend to fully dress depending on mood and my work schedule. I try to at least fully dress 1-2 times a week on my days off but sometimes i just don't feel like it, but at least i partially dress during the week. I'm always wearing at least a pair of pantyhose, but sometimes not much else. Now that my work schedule has changed since i have to be to work earlier in the morning, i have had more chance to dress but I'm still trying to get used to sleeping during the day. Unfortuntely i had to purge most of my stuff when i was living with my roommate and now trying to buy stuff but its hard when i can barley afford to pay my rent sometimes let alone be able to buy a piece of clothing each month.


You live alone. Why does your family need to know anything?

They don't, its just that most of them tend to be nosiey even when I'm not living with them. When they call they always try to but in my life and try to push their beliefs and opinions on me. It's hard for me to even want to spend the holidays with them and god forbid if i tell one of them something that nobody else knows be it my mom or brothers, somehow everyone else finds out and I get this long list of people in the family all trying to tell me their own view on it and why it may or may not be a good thing.


Living with your GM might be good, but how is she, health wise. If you think she'll be around long enough for you to get the schooling you want, then it could be a good option.
But, is she going to need you doing things that will affect your class schedule. Doctor visits, etc. which you'll need to take her to. If not, then it could be a good option.
Once you get that education, then what. Are there going to be jobs in the area? Are you going to have leave your GM to go get a job? How's the economy where she lives?

Health wise she is pretty good, but has had a few problems here and there but i feel like she will be around for a long while.She is pretty self-reliant but has had to get used to doing somethings by herself without my grandfather, like pumping gas and such, so doctors visits and going to the store is something she can still do.The area where she lives is a small town where it takes 30 minutes to get to the grocery store, but is building up fast to where when i was out there, there was a lot of construction going on, resturants/stores/houses being build around her. As for whether the economy will be big enough to support me is something i don't really know. May have to move somewhere else when i graduate but she has a lot of support near her to where me moving away wont stop her from living her life.



Lots of missibg inb formation hgere. Where does your grandmother live and how would the accomodations be? What school;s are nearby and do theyt have courses that interest you? What is your grandmothers condition and what would you have to do? Certainly older folk love company and some help but are you ready to be somewhat ties down and, possibly, really ties down?

MY grandparents where living in california when my aunt/uncle and their kids ended up moving to eagle, idaho which is 30 minutes form boise and convinced my grandparents to move out there and build a house on their large property to which they did. Now that my grandfather is gone, its hard for her since my aunt is always working and doing things for her kids. As for schools, there was mainly just 4 year colleges but there supposed to be opening a junior college soon. At the moment im still trying to figure out what i want to do career wise so its kinda hard to know what i want to persue, just know i need some schooling. As for helping out my grandmother, it would mainly just be doing housework around the house, cutting the grass, etc.


Could you negotiate a "private" room for yourself, where you could store your things and dress when you felt like it? Old people often go to bed early, so you may get the run of the house some nights too. Could you tell her about Tiffany and expect it to be a secret only the two of you share. That would be the dream scenario

As must as this would be nice, just mentioning this to her could have a negative impact on staying there. i feel like she would be ok with the whole crossdressing thing if i told her but ultimately seeing me doing it would be a whole different thing that would probably upset her. Because her house is on my aunts property, people tend to frequent more often back and forth from the 2 houses as well as my aunts kids are still in school and would probably freak out if they saw my dressing.

Thanks for the replys, as well as the good advice so far.