C.J.
01-06-2009, 11:07 AM
I just feel like typing right now. I'm not exactly sure if this is the right section to do so, so my apologies if it is.
There was this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1557249) I was just reading in another section here, and a minuscule part of it (the skirt part) triggered off a train of thoughts for me after I replied.
I'm a boy, there's no question about that in my mind.
I hate being called a girl, because I'm not.
But here's where I get thrown for a loop every time I think about it: I'm a "feminine" (whatever that word means) boy by nature - which makes people doubt that I am what I say I am, because generally I'm not "macho" (like a boy/man is supposed to be, of course! :rolleyes: Right...).
And I hate that - I am a boy! No matter what I do!
What compounds this issue, is something that I've tried to understand for a long time: I hate girl's clothes, I loathe them, especially when I'm forced to wear them...But (here's the big screw in the turn), when I feel REALLY in the mood for it, I enjoy dressing in drag, like a simple dress. No extravagance. No she/her, in drag or not, because she/her immediately sets off anxiety about my body. And the second the mood to dress in drag goes away, the girl clothes go off immediately. Any longer, and I get ticked off and anxious.
And, that rare urge to crossdress confuses people even more... I'm a boy in a woman's body, but in rare instances, I like to put on a simple dress, so that must mean I'm a girl, right?
No! I. Am. A. Boy. Regardless. Of. What. I. Do.
How hard is it to understand? So frickin' frustrating...I'm tired of it. So tired.
And it frustrates me even worse, because I'm not sure why I get those rare urges to crossdress. I was forced into girl clothes my entire life, and I was expected to do things I didn't want to. So why is it that I get that urge, no matter how rare it is? I wish I knew why. I know I'm a boy, but this makes it harder to convince others that I am.
Am I a glutton for punishment or something?? I don't pass as the boy that I am even when I'm NOT crossdressing, and every time I crossdress I don't even have a glimmer of hope to pass...
WTF. Maybe I'm just insane.
And on another note, my terminology - I did say "boy". Despite that I'm almost 21, I don't feel I'm a grown man - I've realized I have growing up to do in a lot of respects. But I'm not worried, I have a lot of life to live yet.
- C.J.
Edit: Looking back on this post in a half asleep state - Sorry if I offended anyone. I'm not calling anyone else that may do this same thing insane. I meantthat I feel insane myself sometimes because I'm trying to understand why, but I can't seem to wrap my own head around myself at times.
There was this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1557249) I was just reading in another section here, and a minuscule part of it (the skirt part) triggered off a train of thoughts for me after I replied.
I'm a boy, there's no question about that in my mind.
I hate being called a girl, because I'm not.
But here's where I get thrown for a loop every time I think about it: I'm a "feminine" (whatever that word means) boy by nature - which makes people doubt that I am what I say I am, because generally I'm not "macho" (like a boy/man is supposed to be, of course! :rolleyes: Right...).
And I hate that - I am a boy! No matter what I do!
What compounds this issue, is something that I've tried to understand for a long time: I hate girl's clothes, I loathe them, especially when I'm forced to wear them...But (here's the big screw in the turn), when I feel REALLY in the mood for it, I enjoy dressing in drag, like a simple dress. No extravagance. No she/her, in drag or not, because she/her immediately sets off anxiety about my body. And the second the mood to dress in drag goes away, the girl clothes go off immediately. Any longer, and I get ticked off and anxious.
And, that rare urge to crossdress confuses people even more... I'm a boy in a woman's body, but in rare instances, I like to put on a simple dress, so that must mean I'm a girl, right?
No! I. Am. A. Boy. Regardless. Of. What. I. Do.
How hard is it to understand? So frickin' frustrating...I'm tired of it. So tired.
And it frustrates me even worse, because I'm not sure why I get those rare urges to crossdress. I was forced into girl clothes my entire life, and I was expected to do things I didn't want to. So why is it that I get that urge, no matter how rare it is? I wish I knew why. I know I'm a boy, but this makes it harder to convince others that I am.
Am I a glutton for punishment or something?? I don't pass as the boy that I am even when I'm NOT crossdressing, and every time I crossdress I don't even have a glimmer of hope to pass...
WTF. Maybe I'm just insane.
And on another note, my terminology - I did say "boy". Despite that I'm almost 21, I don't feel I'm a grown man - I've realized I have growing up to do in a lot of respects. But I'm not worried, I have a lot of life to live yet.
- C.J.
Edit: Looking back on this post in a half asleep state - Sorry if I offended anyone. I'm not calling anyone else that may do this same thing insane. I meantthat I feel insane myself sometimes because I'm trying to understand why, but I can't seem to wrap my own head around myself at times.