myth: don't ask, don't tell

[txrobinm]

Hello, ladies! My house is officially don't ask/don't tell, as my SO does not want to see Robin (doesn't even know she has a name now). Naturally, talking about CDing is therefore difficult ("honey, I love you so much and think you're really hot, but I need some time to dress up this weekend" is such a libido-killer for her). Even the little non-verbal reminders, like my shaved legs, the razor and shaving gel in the shower, the 2 large padlocked trunks in my closet, the "let me handle that load of laundry... no, seriously, let ME handle THAT load of laundry!" conversations, lead to more telling than she's comfortable with at this time.

We're taking things one day at a time. Any words of wisdom from GG's or CDers who've been in my situation, or that of my wife?

[Satrana]

Just keeping talking about it. She may want to brush all the physical evidence under that carpet but that does not mean you should stop talking about it. If the communication stops then resentment will build up and you are heading for major confrontations.

So frank, honest discussions focussed on the feelings and fears of both of you are the way to go.

At some point you need to point out that you do not want to spend the rest of your lives together playing this type of pointless charade. The way to get over a phobia is through slow gradual exposure. Seeing your clothes is not the same as seeing you in them

[StacyCD]

After I came out to my SO a little over two years ago, it was clearly don't ask don't tell. Last December I started wearing panties 24/7 and I told her that I wanted to pierce my ears. I waited almost a year before finally having them pierced about four weeks ago (I should have done it sooner). Now we have progressed to my having my toes painted 24/7 (at least for winter) and wearing satin pajamas. Last week she shaved the FUR off my back. So even though she's still not overly supportive she/we've made a lot of progress! I just hope that when I get home in a few days that she doesn't freak out about my shaved legs!

I agree with the importance of communication and I think slow and steady progress is the successful strategy.

[RachelDenise]

Communication is the key. The real issue is not to force the conversation or acceptance. You need to go at her speed and always remember to take care of her needs and be the man she wanted if that is part of her needs.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Never give up - my spouse was that way for several years after she found out I was a CDer - for the first time, after many troubled years and purges, through COMMUNICATION and OBSERVATION by her as to the effect that not being able to express my feminine nature was causing, and after having more COMMUNICATION, my spouse now accepts JoAnne - moral of the story is nerver give up, no never give up.
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler

[Angie G]

Just keep it Slow Robin don't push to hard hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Sandra]

I think you need to ask her to hear what you've got to say, then you listen to her.
Be honest because if you're not, the truth will eventually will come out and that will make things a lot worse.
Listen to her fears and worries, ask if a compromise can be made.

Don't expcet things to happen over night though, this could take months even years, yes I said years. If you want this to happen then it's got to be at her pace.

Also maybe suggest she join here, where she can chat to other wives who are/have been through the same thing.

[Violet]

:iagree:

Also, it sounds like your wife is doing what I did in the beginning, which is, "If I ignore this, and wish hard enough, it will go away and I won't have to deal with it, or how it makes me feel, or examine why I am feeling the way I am."

I learned, however, that no, it doesn't go away and that yes, I do need to examine why the heck I feel the way I do. And you know what? I went from, "I don't know if I can deal with this, we might need a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy" to accompanying my fiance on his first public outing. All because we both made an effort to really talk to each other and really listen to what the other had to say. I am currently of the opinion that if he wanted to come out to his family and/or mine, I would be fine with it.

And, I'm not going to lie to you: it was NOT easy. It's STILL not easy. There were fights, and tears, and our emotions ran the gamut. But in the end, all of it was worth it, because we got to know each other and ourselves a lot better. There has to be compromise on both sides. And when I say that, I mean that in a true partnership, your wife would be willing to make some compromises, too, and not just expect you to be the one to compromise everything.

I hope you two can find your own balance. Do let your wife know about this forum, and the FAB section. The FAB section has been an absolutely invaluable resource for me.

[Karren H]

Were the same way.. Its the cards your dealt... What are ya going to do... Just don't push her... Else your situation will deteriorate...

[Jannette H]

Ladies, It all ends when your Wife/ SO wants it to end. Just don't shov it down her throut it just gets worse. It just has to be on their terms not yours. Jannette is not in my SO's sight it makes it easier for her.

[Sandra]

It just has to be on their terms not yours.

Hmmm I would disagree, compromise is the best thing, that doesn't necessairly mean it's her terms, it's got to be something that both agree on, and know moving the goal posts unless both agree.

[Sheila]

Communication is the key. The real issue is not to force the conversation or acceptance. You need to go at her speed and always remember to take care of her needs and be the man she wanted if that is part of her needs.


Just keep it Slow Robin don't push to hard hun.:hugs:
Angie


Were the same way.. Its the cards your dealt... What are ya going to do... Just don't push her... Else your situation will deteriorate...


from a GG who is now in her second cding relationship i can tell you lack of communication in the first helped to kill it .. I wanted to commmunicate he didn't (there were other issues but that's another story)

But one thing i am pretty sure of is if you continue to push the conversations you are pretty much likely to end up pushing her away ...... there are many GG's here who will willing talk to your wife via email if she is unwilling to visit the forum (I am one)

Maybe the book "my husband wears my clothes" might be a good idea to buy and give to her ............. just don't push asking if she has read it.

Good luck hun :hugs:

[Kelli Michelle]

Some of the replies give me hope. My wife has known since I started going out fully dressed, 3 yrs ago. She hates it, but knows it is here to stay. We haven't been getting along generally, but this (cding) is the catalyst, I am sure. In my case I really doubt that she will thaw, but I will keep at it as long as I can unless she becomes more demanding. I currently go out approx. 2-3 times a month and she is trying to get me to do once every 3 weeks. I told her that my desire is no less than it has been so that is not an option. I would like to actually go out more, but with family duties and desires it just isn't all that practical. At some point , though, I feel that my desire to dress/live as a woman will increase to the point where I will want to do it past the point where she can handle it. I am debating whether I should just wait it out, or go ahead and "cut bait" and save us all a load of pain and heartache.

[Mercedes]

I think the key words are communication, understand each others POV or else you will never know where you stand with each other. And then you have to find out what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make sure you can maintain the relationship. Finding that middle ground is so important. And then you have to respect each others boundaries. Play be the rules you agreed to and that is both parties. Sounds like I am talking about a legal contract.

How simple is that. I know, not very and it may take some time. With me and my SO it was about 6-7 years before we got to the point we are at now and 17 years later she is still a Don't Ask / Don't Tell kind of girl. But our relationship is strong and we are happy.

Good Luck and be patient.

Mercedes XOXOXO

[sometimes_miss]

I have to go along with those who say to take it very, very slow. Your wife will let you know if she's ever ready to go any further than tolerating you CD'ing on your own. I'm sure that my even slight escalation in female dressing had a lot to do with our eventual divorce. Don't push it unless you are willing to risk divorce. Like anything else that you do, we don't have to share absolutely every single activity we do with our SO. Try this analogy; Some people like watching golf on TV. Some absolutely can't stand it (to me it's like watching paint dry). You wouldn't expect to keep trying to get the other person to do it if they didn't like it, would you? NO. Same with CD. Don't 'shove it down her throat'. Don't talk about it unless she brings it up. Over time she may become more accepting if she sees it isn't encroaching into the rest of her relationship with you. Best of luck.

[Kathy Leigh]

I am trying to get my wife to accept a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. From what I am reading in this thread the meaning of "don't ask, don't tell" is somewhat flexible.

As I see it, my dressing should be invisible to my wife and not intrude on her consciousness. Non drab clothes should be hidden and never in view. Discussions of dressing behavior should be only at her prompting. Laundry should be done late at night when she is sleeping or out of the house.

Telling your wife your are too preoccupied with dressing to have sex with her is a bad idea at any time and definitely is a violation of the "don't tell" protocol.

If your wife, like mine, is just getting used to the idea of your dressing go real slow and don't try to move dressing into the daylight until she is ready, which she may never be.

Those of use who came to dressing, or came back to dressing after we were married have an obligation to accommodate our wife's misgivings. Remember your wife did not marry you because she wanted a sister, she married you so you would be her man and take care of her. Don't be surprised if she is uncomfortable with her man in a dress. We need to show them that we are still the man they married and that may mean lying low for a while.

This forum is great for those of us having spousal problems to be able to exchange ideas and experiences. Thank you to all the other gurls who posted here.

Hugs,


Kathy Leigh

[beenherelongtime]

i liked violets advice. go slow

[txrobinm]

Thanks, everyone! I haven't given up yet on us, and she hasn't, either. Balance is my 2009 resolution, appropriately.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Yeah, the don't ask - don't tell situation is in vogue in my house as well. My wife is very accepting though, and did a fair bit of research herself to understand my side of things. She has no problems seeing my girly things, or doing the laundry etc but doesn't want to see Tash in the flesh. Thats the result of meaningful communication and compromise.

Sure, the one day at a time thing is Ok, as long as there are regular forward baby steps without forcing the issue.

Good luck.