Need help

[jennylw2]

Okay, so here is my story. I'm shaking as I write this, so bear with me. I'm sure my story is similar to many of yours, but sharing this is brand new for me. I recently came 'out' to my best friend. She is the first person I have ever told about this and so far she has been very supportive.

I've been dressing since I was a child. My earliest thoughts of wanting to wear femme clothes was when I was about five. My later dressing, as a teen always came with sexual urges, so I guess I have associated those feelings with dressing and wanting to be a woman. As I've grown older the sexual desires have been replaced with just a strong compulsion to dress, act and I guess be a woman. My last relationship with a woman ended right after Christmas, well during Christmas really. During that relationship I found it very difficult to have an orgasm. I found that I had to fantasize about being a woman to get there. That's when I knew that this was not going to go away and that it was getting 'worse'. (Forgive me if I offend anyone. I know this isn't a disease or a curse for most of you, but at this stage I am very confused and it does tend to feel like that to me.) Anyway, after that relationship ended I felt like I had to tell someone. My friend is the only person I know open enough to accept it and fortunately she did. She even offered to help me, so I guess that's a good thing.

I have been married and I am a single parent now with an 8yr old son. He is everything for me and I'm so afraid of what this might do to him. Really he is the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. I've lost just about everything in my life in the last few years and now this is haunting me again. I have guns in the closet and enough pills in the cabinet to kill me twice, but I don't want to do that. I guess the thought of leaving my son with that is too much. Then again the thought of him living with his father becoming his other mother is too horrible to think about. I am seeking counseling, in fact I just spoke to a TG counselor on the phone and found out about a group that meets a couple of times a month. Maybe I'll try that I don't know.

I guess I'm just really scared right now. I don't really know who or what I am. There are so many labels for us: CD, TG, TS, TV. It's all so confusing. Maybe I'm just a CD and I can learn to live with dressing on occasion, but I fear that it's more. I am not attracted to men in any way. I know a lot of us aren't. That makes it all the more confusing I guess. How can I want to be a woman, but be with a woman? How can any woman ever love me like this anyway? All I've ever wanted in my life was to find someone that would love me and that I could cherish, now that seems an impossibility. It feels like my life is slipping away.

Can you girls help me? I know you can't replace a therapist and I'm not asking anyone too, but I really need to know I'm not alone. I need to find hope soon or it might be too late. Please someone tell me I'm not insane. Or tell me that I am so I can move on. Does anyone know if this can be 'cured' (I know how controversial that is is and again, please don't take offense. I'm not a hateful person and would never judge anyone for living the way they want.)

Thanks for listening to me whine,
Jen

[crossdrezzer1]

Just take a deep breath in the mirror and look at yourself and like what you see,,then look at your child and know the kid loves you unconditionaly and feel the warmth of the kids love embrase you,, then seek counseling and be honest and make yourself happyand love yourself,,,only then you can give love,,, we all were created differently and have the attitude,,if you dont like me then theres the door,,its a free country and no one is making you stay around me,,

[Sandra]

Jen

First of all keep the thought of your son in your mind, he needs you.

Now your not insane so get that idea out of your head hun. You are feeling what a lot of the girls here have/are going through so rest assured you are not alone.

I'm sure more of the ladies will come in and post and give you more advice and support.

Just remember we are here and will help and support you. :hugs:

[jennylw2]

Thanks Crossdrezzer.
I know that's a mental state I need to get to, but it seems so vary far away. If I could get over hating myself it would be an improvement. I do look at myself in the mirror, but all I see is an old man who doesn't fit in his own skin. I appreciate your candor though and I hope I haven't been offensive.

Thx,
Jen

[Kimberley]

First of all, you have made a major step; coming here is a big one but more importantly recognizing who you are. Self acceptance is another story but for now, the fact that you are reaching out shows that you realize you cant do this alone. Kudos to you.

Now, kids are resilient and I am quite sure that the most basic of explanations is all that is necessary. No more info than a CHILD can absorb and in a child's frame of understanding. He will find out eventually and my feeling is that better now before puberty, than later. He can grow with it and with you.

That said, I am a strong advocate of therapy. I would suggest it for yourself first of all, and secondly, in consort with your son. This wont change a thing for you but will allow you to put things in perspective in your life. Both you and your son will benefit with your walk of self discovery and acceptance.

The bottom line is you cant fight it so learn to live WITH it and on terms you can accept for yourself and your son as well as those around you.

There is no rule that says you have to transition nor is there any reason you shouldnt transition. It is YOUR decision and yours alone. Therapy will help you discover what is best for you. Plain and simple.

I would put the suicide tools away... permanently if possible. Been there, blinked and glad I did.

Just a few of my thoughts on my life's experiences that might help you.

Best of luck

:hugs:
Kimmie

[rebekahm]

Jenny, don't give up hope!

As Sandra said, many of us here have been through the same thing - granted, the circumstances might be very different but the core issues are the same. Who are we? I was born a man so why can't I be happy with that? Am I just an occasional CD or does this "thing" go much, much deeper? Am I too old for this? I should have done this years ago! Why did I get married? Etc., etc.

Know this: you are not alone. By any stretch of the proverbial imagination. It is funny how similar most of our stories are as I meet more sisters. We are all cut from a similar cloth.

With that said, your absolute best course of action right now is to find a trained, certified therapist near you who understands (and hopefully has worked with) gender issues for transsexual/crossdressers.

Here is a good place to start:

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

Know that there are many hear to lean an ear and a keyboard to help. Know you are NOT ALONE.

This is why this forum exists - to support each other and lift each other up when we are down.

I hope this helps.

[jennylw2]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate it. It's good to know I'm not alone. I have a lot of thinking to do and some very, very difficult choices to make I guess.

I found a certified counselor here in AZ with TG experience. She doesn't accept insurance and she charges $100 a session so I'm not sure I will be able to see her often. She does run a TG group meeting twice a month that only costs $20. I think I may go to one next weekend. I'm pretty frightened by it, but I think it might help. I also found another counselor that does accept insurance. She has gay and lesbian experience listed on her website, so maybe she will at least be open to listening to me. Obviously I'm dealing with a lot of depression right now.

I keep thinking about the differences between CD and TG. I've read some about both. I just don't know about living two lives. I mean it's fine for those who enjoy it, don't get me wrong. I just don't know if that's what I want. I think I want to be identified as one person. Either male or female (more leaning toward female obviously). I find myself dressing just because it feels good lately. I don't go out, but when I'm alone at home I just like to be dressed. It's more comfortable to me I guess. It used to be that there was a sexual urge tied to it, but that's really gone now. I think that scares me more than anything. I used to just tell myself it was a fetish and it would go away. Somehow that made it not quite 'real' if that makes sense. It's how I got through seven years of marriage and a recent 6 mo relationship. Anyone else have these feelings? Do you think that means I'm more TG than CD?

Geh, I'm babbling, sorry. Again, thanks to everyone for the kind and honest words.

[Kimberley]

Jenny, I see my therapist once a month and that is actually enough BUT I also hand her a copy of my journal at every session. I wouldnt recommend group at the beginning. You need to sort out your needs first.

A counsellor who works with LGB could be good as well. What you need to ensure is that the therapist uses a Humanist Existentialist approach. That means it is client centered and not behaviour centered. Anything that has behaviour modification in any form is truly contraindicated for your progress. A Humanist Existentialist will work with the person, not the behaviours.

This can be very confusing at the beginning so dont be afraid to ask questions and you can email or PM me if you like. I will answer your questions honestly and I will not tell you what to do. Only you can make those choices.

Keep the lines of communication open with your son and especially your lady friend. She can be an amazing source of support if she is as open as you say.

:hugs:
Kimmie

[jennylw2]

Kimmie,

Why do you think a behavior based therapist would be bad? Do you think they would try to 'cure' my behavior instead of helping me accept it? Can that even be done? I've read that some people have success with putting it behind them. Not that that is what's right for me... at least I don't think it is. I don't really know. Anyway it seems like all the therapists out here are Cognitive Behaviorists. It's hard to find a Humanistic/Existentialist. I'll keep looking.

Maybe I should just pay the $100 dollars and see this lady. She is CBT also, but at least she has experience with the TG community. She leads the group I mentioned. It's all so confusing. Thank you for your help.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jenny

I think the first thing you need to do is to take a step back and catch your breath, you'll never be able to figure anything out while you're worked up about it. Talking to someone is good, it will help you find the answers yourself.

In the meantime, your son comes first. I was also a single parent for a time, and we both know that means sacrifices must be made, that's just how it is. Get rid of the pills and the guns now, they don't belong in a house with a small child, and you don't need them.

There are no rules to this business, no time lines that must be met, you only have to do what's best for you and your son. I know that we all sweat about wasted time, I know that I sure did, but it's a waste of that time to do so, put it to better use by being a Dad and by learning about yourself. I'm 56 and didn't come out until four years ago, up till then I lived a tortured life but survived, and now I have a smile on my face. I had SRS in 2007 and now I'm happy and at peace, and I don't worry about what I could have had anymore because I now have it, and so can you, whichever direction that may take you.

Karen Starlene :star:

[jennylw2]

Thanks Karen. I think I was a bit over dramatic about the guns and the pills. (I guess us girls can be that way sometimes) I was just trying to say that I have and still do consider suicide often. I'm okay right now though. My son keeps me from doing anything like that. My GG friend has been amazing too. Very supportive. She wants to help me with my makeup and take me out this summer when my son is away. It will be a summer of firsts I think. I'm excited and frightened at the same time.

Rest assured that the guns and pills are safely locked away. My son is very good about such things. I educate him about it so his curiosity doesn't get him in trouble and I always have my eyes and ears on him anyway. I have many, many faults, but I've always been a pretty good parent.

I'm not trying to rush anything really. I just feel like I need to understand what is happening to me or what has been happening to me all my life. I'm certainly not going to run out and start the transition tomorrow. If I decide that is what's right for me it will take a long time. It means...losing a lot. My family and most if not all of my friends will turn me out for sure. My career and possibly my son too. Custody courts don't look to kindly on such things I'm sure. (Gender Dysphoria is considered to be a 'serious mental illness' isn't it?) That is a lot to face.

[Samantha B L]

Hi Jenny, If I were you I'd take my time and give the group the TG counselar recommended a try. Put the firearms and the pills away somewhere where your son can't accidentally get at them. You know,it would be a big disaster for him if you did yourself in. But that TG group sounds like a real pleasure. I can't remember what the exact statistic is but I think there are 6 million people both m to f and f to m who are actively TG/TS/CD in this country and many more who are potentially so.

So you're not alone! According to some books and publications I've seen this is caused by hereditary factors involving either the brain chemistry or hormonal things(NOT meaning that we're all crazy). As for me,I feel like I'm a very effeminate man but not a woman exactly. I'm a male to female CD and I would dress 24/7 if circumstances allowed for it. So try the group! Dressing can't be cured. You'll come back to it eventually! Hugs, samantha

[jillleanne]

Hi Jenny, sorry to hear you are felling down. Good news for you though. You'll be back on your feet and feeling like a million bucks in no time flat. First, you need to accept a few things and when you do, you will see the beginning to your happiness and inner peace.
1. Forget about the labels you are trying to figure out. No one has yet and as long as they exist, people will remain confused. Everyone seems to need to fit in a file, a file that is specific only to them. Forget specifics, they are unimportant.
2. The important thing to know is you are simply transgendered or gender enhanced, meaning, not only do you have genetic male features, you also have genetic female features, both belong to you, both are you, accept both as you. You were born this way and you will remain this way until you leave this world many years from now. There is no 'cure' for something that doesn't exist, i.e., a disease or genetic error. No such thing.
3. Lots of us have been through what you are experiencing. You can purge all you like, it will return, accept it. It is who you are. What you are experiencing with regards to you gender issues is very normal. It was forced on you by social barriers of unacceptance, shame, guilt, embarrasement, etc. that has prevailed long before you and I were born without our permission or request. We have been programmed from birth to follow 'social rules' of acceptance and we do not agree and have no idea how to disagree. That's where sites like this and friends come into play, along with some professional guidance and support.
4. Take a long look in the mirror each day, sometimes as your genetic male self and say, " I like who you are and you make me happy". Other days, look in that same mirror completely "en femme" and say, " You know Jenny, I think you are a beautiful person and I am who you are and you make me happy". Love both of yourselves equally without regard as to what society thinks of you.
5. As for you relationship with your children, only you can decide how you want to proceed with your gender issues and them. I have friends that smoke pot in their home while their children are in the house. The kids do not smoke pot but feel it's ok if their parents do it at home. Just the way the kids were brought up. many parents are separated and the kids accept that fine. Many gender enhanced people enlighten their kids of their gender issues so as the kids get older, they have already come to realize their parents are just that, good parents and nothing else. Better for the kids to learn early on and become educated on the issue early, than to walk in on you by surprise years later and have to begin the learning process after years of social programmin of bigotry and prejudicism. Sounds tough but it will be alot tougher later on and you will also find the kids may initially think it's kind of weird, but will change their way of thinking and accept you for who you are much easier making life that much more fun.
6. Well you may think you will never be in love again with your gender enhancement. Odd, I met a gg 9 years ago, we are still together, we dated for 3 years before I told her( dumb move on my part, maybe), and I dress 24/7 for days on end whenever I feel like it. She buys me 'Jill" things, I buy her gg things. We are very happy together, and you will find someone also when you are supposed to. I believe in predestiny and finding a gg for myself was just that, destiny. I didn't go looking for her, she just came by one day and the rest is history.
If you ever need a brain to pick, email me, I'll be there to support you and tell you what I think. It may or may not apply to you but count on getting an honest opinion.
Hugs, your long distance friend,
Jill Leanne lacey

[jennylw2]

Thank you Jill.

That is a lot of information to process, but it was all good. I appreciate it. I feel a bit like a pendulum atm, swinging wildly one way and back the other. Slightly emotionally unbalanced I guess lol. I've never faced anything so frightening. I'm finally looking at me, all of me, not just the part I allowed to live. It's scary, but exciting too in a way. I feel like there might be joy somewhere in this or on the other side somewhere.

I wish my gg friend was in town. She's gone for two weeks, out of the country to get married (long story). :sad: I miss her, but everyone here has been great. I feel bad leaning on her so much even though she says she can take it. It's good to have this forum as another place to vent and talk. Thanks again everyone.

[GypsyKaren]

I'm not trying to rush anything really. I just feel like I need to understand what is happening to me or what has been happening to me all my life. I'm certainly not going to run out and start the transition tomorrow. If I decide that is what's right for me it will take a long time. It means...losing a lot. My family and most if not all of my friends will turn me out for sure. My career and possibly my son too. Custody courts don't look to kindly on such things I'm sure. (Gender Dysphoria is considered to be a 'serious mental illness' isn't it?) That is a lot to face.

The point is you don't have to do anything until your son is older and custody is no longer an issue or a problem, we all have more time left than we realize. In the meantime, do find someone to talk to and learn about yourself and who you are, that's always a good thing to do anyway. I'm always around here one way or another, you can talk to me privately any time if you wish, I've done it for quite a few here over the years.

Karen Starlene :star:

[AllyM]

Jen, You are not alone as you can see. Your joining and posting here are a huge step forward. Most importantly, you need to understand there is nothing WRONG with you. You are who are and do NOT let anyone tell you any differently!

[jennylw2]

Thanks Karen. I think I see what you mean. I know I have time. I'm going to take it slow. My gg friend is going to help me this summer while my son is way to get dressed and get out of the house. This will be the first time since I was a teen that I ventured out. It's so scary, but very exciting too. She has started talking to me almost like I'm one of the girls. She even told a friend of hers about me (using no names or anything) and she said: Awesome tell him we'll go shopping! Hearing that was scary at first, but it woke something up inside. A need for a sense of belonging, not just with any group, but with women. A whole rush of emotions flooded in ya know? Being one of the girls. Seems like such a little thing, but means so much.

Anyway, I'm off on a tangent again :) Sorry. Thanks again for the kind words and the offer of help. I really do think I'm going to need it.

[carolinoakland]

Jenny, it can be overwhelming when a life time of bottled and repressed emotions come out. I did. I read the other's response and would add nothing to them in general. I can however speak more about the child issue. My daughter was told about my CDing when she was six by her mother in an attempt to alienate me from my daughter. It didn't work. Years later she outed me to my best friend and his son. I didn't deny it or behave in an ashamed fashion. That's what she always keyed in on, my feelings about myself. She came to live with me full time when she was 8, and we lost her mother when she was 10. It wasn't until she'd moved out of the house at 18 that I started to actively persue my gender issue's. And when I did I went to tell my daughter. She said , " But I've always known." and I said, yes you have. But you've never heard it from me, and it's always been from a place of hurt and anger. We are the best of friends now, and when I talked with her about the earlier years she told me how she was angry with me for not being me. She saw how I was denying myself, and how it was tearing me up inside. I was afraid of changing her father image, that's why I didn't want her to see Carol. Now, we go out, she comes over for dinner with her boyfriend ( who I love that when we are in public calls me Carol and refers to me as she, and her.). Your children are much more resilient than we give them credit. Let me ask you this, if your son was transgender and terrified of telling you, afraid that he would lose that love. Could you ever imagine not loving your son? The same is true for him. No matter what we do, or say. Good, bad, indiferent. Our children will always love us, for us. No matter who that us turns out to be. And just to put some kind of a smile on ya. I have a saying to describe the trans community. And I originally presented myself as a hetero CD....
" All poodle's are dogs. But not all dogs are poodles." Carol

[jennylw2]

That is a very moving story Carol thank you. Wiping away the tears here :) It really means a lot to me.

I'm sure my son would take it in stride. He really is a good kid and very loving, but he's had so much done to him lately. His mother left me for another man and moved halfway across the country. Now he only gets to see her twice a year. I guess I worry that he will decide one day that his dad is too 'strange' and that he wants a real family (his mom is married again and his half sister lives there too). I'm scared he'll go out to visit and decide not to come back home one of these times. I guess all I can do is keep on loving him with all my heart and let him make his own decisions about things. That's what I do now and I don't see any reason that should change.

It could be worse. I could keep dragging him through one screwed up relationship after another. Have you had problems with relationships, not because they knew about you, but maybe because the sensed something, but couldn't quite pin it down? I was always very good at hiding my CD, but you can't hide who you really are. It just seems like women can tell... like they have an intuition. Some of them ignore it and begin a relationship with me anyway, but it's like they figure it out eventually. I'm just a little too nice, a little too emotionally available, a little too sweet lol. I don't know, just a side bar. So many questions and thoughts are coming to me lately. All in a rush. Woke up this morning in the fetal position crying, but I'm feeling better now. I feel like I'm on HRT already, mood swings, very emotional. Just like a... hmm girl? :)

[Kimberley]

Kimmie,

Why do you think a behavior based therapist would be bad? Do you think they would try to 'cure' my behavior instead of helping me accept it? Can that even be done? I've read that some people have success with putting it behind them. Not that that is what's right for me... at least I don't think it is. I don't really know. Anyway it seems like all the therapists out here are Cognitive Behaviorists. It's hard to find a Humanistic/Existentialist. I'll keep looking.

Maybe I should just pay the $100 dollars and see this lady. She is CBT also, but at least she has experience with the TG community. She leads the group I mentioned. It's all so confusing. Thank you for your help.

Sorry it took so long to get back. A humanist existentialist approach lets you put your life in perspective. We all go through so much nonsense and it clouds our vision of our own life. We need to understand what has happened in the past affects us today. When we understand that we can put things into their proper perspective. This approach allows us to see our gender identity issues as a consequence of our own barriers. This lets us make proper and informed decisions about where we are to go.

CBT on the other hand assumes you already know and are capable of making the decisions. It requires you to change lifestyle behaviours that are considered destructive so you can go forward. The problem with this is that you dont understand the why of those behaviours before you change them. You make the changes then see the results. This approach works with many many mental illnesses but GID is anything but a mental illness. So, CBT is not recommended for GID therapy. The approach recommended by WPATH is the Humanist Existential methodologies.

So, for the best results you make changes on your own because you understand how the past is affecting you today. HE is client centered not behaviour centered. It has been proven through clinical research that Behaviour Modification therapy is not generally effective with GID where HE is very effective.

Does this answer your question?

:hugs:
Kimmie

[jennylw2]

Yes I think it does Kimmie, thanks. I wish I could find someone here that used the HE approach. It looks like I'm stuck with what I can find. I appreciate the information though. I think I will make one appointment with the TG specialist, then try the group meetings if I feel comfortable with it. Then I can make some decisions on how I want to go forward from there.

Thanks again :)

[Kimberley]

Glad to help any way I can. You might want to do a search for a thread I did about interviewing the therapist on the first visit. It too should be very helpful. If you cant find it let me know on a PM and I am sure I can dig for it in my own comp and send it to you. (My own therapist gave it a 2 thumbs up and she is also a prof at our university.)

:hugs:
Kimmie

[jennylw2]

Thanks Kimmie, I'm going to look that up before I go. I'm still having a hard time deciding whether to see the counselor that accept my insurance, but might not have any TG experience or to pay the $$$ to see the one that has a lot of TG experience. That sounds like an easy choice, but getting involved with a counselor is going to be long term and $100 or more a month could be quite a burden.

I was up till 2am last night. I can't sleep form the stress I guess. I can't stop thinking about all of this. I've been running over my whole life in my head. All my relationships and I'm starting to see how this has affected it all in subtle, sometimes not so subtle ways.

I think the biggest thing that I keep coming back to is that this used to be a sexual thing for me. I used to pass it off as a fetish or a fantasy, but it doesn't do that for me anymore. It hasn't for a long time. I'm not turned on by it, but I still feel the need to dress. What does that mean? Also, I had such a difficult time having sex with my last gf. I had to fantasize about being en femme to even come close to orgasm. Even then it was difficult. I still don't feel attracted to men, but I have to admit a tiny sliver of bi-curiousness is slipping in. Maybe it's just because I'm thinking about transitioning. I've heard that many girls change their orientation after the transition, either due to the HRT or just a new vision of themselves as being complete as a woman. That scares me a little. Anyone have any experience with that?

I know I'm jumping way ahead of myself, but I can't stop my brain from running away with this stuff. Sorry I'm so long winded. Thanks to all for listening er... reading lol.

[Karen564]

Hi Jenny,
I'm new here and saw your story, and I feel for you & for what your going though.

I can relate to what your saying, because I'm in the same boat so to speak, and finances are very tight, but I have known what I am for some while now, and have come to terms with it & just accepted it, I am TS and there's no changing it, the hardest part for me is not how far I want to go with it, but When. As far as I know, there is no real cure, only remedies, but your inner feelings of what you really are will only get stronger & stronger as time passes.
And I can relate all to well sexually too, even going back to the 1st time I had sex with a girl, I could not bring myself to an orgasm unless I fantasised I was her instead of me, kinda like an outer body experience, and passed it off as, I'll grow out of it, these feelings will change, but they never did, no matter how hard I tried.. so I really never had sex as a true man would.

Um no, HRT will not change your sexual orientation, (for me, 3+ years HRT) but it does wire the brain a little differently, I just can't bring myself to having sex with a man right now until I have the correct plumbing, but I will admit the thought of having oral sex with one has crossed my mind more than a few times while dressed to the 9's with the right guy, but too scared to try it, although If I had SRS (hopefully some day), I'll probably be the horniest ****s on the planet, LoL

I hope this clears up some doubts about being insane, because your not. you can rest assured of that, and your not alone.


Take care,
Karen

[Joanne f]

Hi Jenny,
i can`t add much more to the good advice that you have been given so far but you do need to stop worrying ,i know that is easy for someone else to say but a lot of us have been through the same and once you realise it is more common than you think and everyone will help where we can you will start to feel better about it .
You also have a son to look after so get any silly notions that you might have had right out of your head, i have 4 children so i can tell you that things work out ok and if you think it helps talk to someone . now we have seen it all and heard it all so do not be afraid to ask as i am sure someone hear will help find the answer.

[jennylw2]

Thank you Karen and Joanne. I appreciate the kind words. I know many of you have already been through what I'm going through now or are going through the same thing. It must be hard to offer advice, especially if you've already moved past this phase. It's hard to look back sometimes.

Karen, you made me smile and it's been a while. Thank you. :love:

So you have been on HRT for 3 years? How does it feel? That's probably a silly question, but I've been thinking about it a lot. I've heard that it can make you feel very good, at peace. I've also heard that it calms that male aggressiveness which would be nice when driving in traffic :) Mostly I just want to feel 'right'. I never really have. I've been thinking about transitioning and how that must be.

When I talk to people lately I've caught myself wondering: How would this person relate to me if I were female? How would I relate to them? It's hard to imagine, but very exciting too. I've also noticed that when I look at women now I'm evaluating their look, clothes and hair. I never looked at them like a 'real' guy would anyway. I remember when I was a kid the first thing I would notice about a girl was her shoes. If she had ugly shoes, I wasn't interested. Isn't that silly? It just shows how long I've been in the wrong body. It might say something about my being a shallow bitch too, I'm not sure :)

Sex is a strange thing for me that's for sure. I think it's the most difficult thing to accept. I know I tried to tell my GG friend about it and she was baffled. She knows I like to dress and that I'm not gay. I don't think her brain can cope with being attracted to the opposite sex, but not being able to have sex with them. Hell I don't know if my brain can cope with that. It's very strange and it goes against everything that was pounded (literally) into me as a boy. I couldn't even finish explaining to her. I think she's reached the limit of how much 'weird' she can take. Poor thing. I've put her through a lot. I feel more alone now though. It was good to have her to lean on.

I know I'm babbling on, but this is therapeutic. The more I talk and write about it, the more I learn about myself it seems. So no one needs to try and answer all my craziness. I'm really just getting help by sharing. Thanks again to everyone.
-Jenny

[Karen564]

Hi Jenny,
Your Very Welcome, I'm so glad I could bring you a smile, it was my pleasure..

Yes, 3+ years on HRT, and it has felt GREAT!!!

It has calmed me way down, and now I'm at peace with myself, which some of that is just from accepting my GID, rather than fighting it as I have over the years, but the HRT has helped me a lot and feel it has relieved some of the stress on my heart as well, so I do feel better.
It doesn't remove stress, but I handle it differently now, & it's not for everyone, but I can say it's worked for me.

Except I can't take off my shirt in public anymore.. LoL

So lots of things to consider before you go that route, but after you know what you want and know what your getting yourself into, it can be a very positive experience..but theirs also risk involved, so take baby steps and do it under a doctors supervision.

And your so right about getting this stuff off your chest, It has been helping me get a lot off my chest too, as long as it's not my boobies, LoL..

I had written a really big rant earlier but it got lost when I hit submit, so I guess that spared everyone, but it was so funny too..

Just keep that smile Jen..

Take care,
Karen