Sheila
01-09-2009, 11:10 PM
As many of you know I took an overdose in July of last year ....... having survived that .....(not my choice but sometimes we have no say :sad:) ..... I eventually began the journey, I describe as re-discovering ME, I have a long long way to go but, I now believe I will get there :)
One of the things I have done on this re-discovery has been to attend therapy .. I who had poo poo'ed the idea of therapy for so many years, suddenly found herself forced into it ......... can't say it's been a bad thing :straightface::straightface:
This last week has a couple of major stimbling blocks along my path and sent me scurrying back down the road I had started on ..... not that far back down but far enough doen it to worry me ................ now tonight i got to thinking
"Why,, What stopped me heading all the way back" and you know i think it is because I am on that journey of "RE-discovering me"
When I discovered M's CDing to try to find out what it meant to me, to him, and our relationship I created and began to live another being ...... the Jess who arrived was there for protection ( for M's behalf), and she began to develop a personality of her own ( anything sounding familiar here?), I began to identify far, far, more easily as Jess than I did as the real me Sheila, and I commented on that a few times along the road, The lies, deciet and the weight of hiding who I was/am began to take it 's toll. I can now see, while it was not entirely due to having to hide who I was at the core, my ex's cding certainly played a huge part in my overdose ............ my journey back to re-discovering me, I think began, when I threw off the mantle/disguise of being Jess, and returned at least in name (on that day) to being ME-Sheila, avery small step but a vastly important one
The utter relief of being free to be me is indescribable ............ and not just out from under the mantle of being Jess, but also from being the "Old Old Sheila" ----- the one who from the age of 8 when her mum left, became the carer for her brothers and sisters, then went on to do nursing, raise a family, befriend every lost soul/cause, took up each and every fight life decided to throw at her until the last when left me on my A$$ and fighting no more, ------------ now at the age of 50 I am able at long last, able to be FREE TO BE ME, whoever the heck me is ..... an interesting journey I am sure awaits me:D
I wondered if in any way what I have described here, reflects how any of you feel? .. while i had th thrown of themantle of not being who I am inside to be free to become me ............ does Dressing do the same for you, but in reverse ........... allow you, for however short a time to become who you are inside
One of the things I have done on this re-discovery has been to attend therapy .. I who had poo poo'ed the idea of therapy for so many years, suddenly found herself forced into it ......... can't say it's been a bad thing :straightface::straightface:
This last week has a couple of major stimbling blocks along my path and sent me scurrying back down the road I had started on ..... not that far back down but far enough doen it to worry me ................ now tonight i got to thinking
"Why,, What stopped me heading all the way back" and you know i think it is because I am on that journey of "RE-discovering me"
When I discovered M's CDing to try to find out what it meant to me, to him, and our relationship I created and began to live another being ...... the Jess who arrived was there for protection ( for M's behalf), and she began to develop a personality of her own ( anything sounding familiar here?), I began to identify far, far, more easily as Jess than I did as the real me Sheila, and I commented on that a few times along the road, The lies, deciet and the weight of hiding who I was/am began to take it 's toll. I can now see, while it was not entirely due to having to hide who I was at the core, my ex's cding certainly played a huge part in my overdose ............ my journey back to re-discovering me, I think began, when I threw off the mantle/disguise of being Jess, and returned at least in name (on that day) to being ME-Sheila, avery small step but a vastly important one
The utter relief of being free to be me is indescribable ............ and not just out from under the mantle of being Jess, but also from being the "Old Old Sheila" ----- the one who from the age of 8 when her mum left, became the carer for her brothers and sisters, then went on to do nursing, raise a family, befriend every lost soul/cause, took up each and every fight life decided to throw at her until the last when left me on my A$$ and fighting no more, ------------ now at the age of 50 I am able at long last, able to be FREE TO BE ME, whoever the heck me is ..... an interesting journey I am sure awaits me:D
I wondered if in any way what I have described here, reflects how any of you feel? .. while i had th thrown of themantle of not being who I am inside to be free to become me ............ does Dressing do the same for you, but in reverse ........... allow you, for however short a time to become who you are inside