What am I?

[RWillow]

For as long as I can remember I have been asking myself, "What am I, am I male or female?". I guess I should start at the beginning by way of an explaination of my childhood. At age 10-11 I started growing breasts and I have pictures to prove it. I also started to enjoy female clothing, the way it felt on me and also the way it looked. As I grew older these feelings grew as well and I started to dress up any time I could borrow my mother's clothes. My breasts also grew and I was told by a family member that I should have been born a girl because I sure looked like one. I went through periods of hating my 'titties' to really liking them. I also found that I felt so good whenever I was able to wear girls clothes. I remember that I tore the house apart looking for my birth certificate, I was sure that I had been born a girl and my parents had me changed at some point. I thought for sure that when I got older my breasts would go away but that never happened, by the end of high school I could fill a 36 A bra and have a some left over.
Shortly after I got married my wife told me that she should buy me a bra because I was bigger than she was, I didn't tell her that I already had several bras. I have been trying to surpress my femine desires for years without much luck. I have found out that my breasts were from a hormone balance problem when I was a kid, and I guess that also explains the other female feelings I experience.
Eight years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had the prostate removed. A few years ago I have noticed my breasts have started to fill out some more and the nipples are very tender. I explained to my wife that I could not take the nipples rubbing my t-shirt any longer and the bounce and juggle didn't help. I told her that I was going to get a bra to see if that helped, she agreed and helped measure me. It felt so good to go bra shopping out in the open. I cannot put into words how good it feels to wear a bra all the time both physical and emotional.
I come back to my question, "What am I?". I am too old to start going to a therapist and my wife has a hard time talking about this when I bring it up. I guess I'm looking for opinions from like minded people.

[Jessicaparkson]

Only you can say "what" you are. Better yet. Ask "who" you are. If you're asking if you're possibly a TS, I say see a therapist. We can hold our own opinions and such but its always good to see a professional. Keep in mind. If you are considering transitioning know it's a tough road but it also has a great reward for people who are sincere (nor am I implying you aren't). Also, don't rush anything. I'm of the opinion that it's better to sit back (in words) and enjoy the ride, as opposed to trying to fight things that are usually somewhat on a timeline. There are even those of us who (I am not one of them) never choose to transition, for their own reasons.

Anyways, welcome to the forum hun. :)

Hugs, Jess

[Carole Cross]

I would recommend going to see a therapist if only to get the opinion of a professional. It might help you to come to terms with who you are. You don't neccessarily have to transition if you don't want to, that may not be the case anyway. :hugs:
welcome to the forum,

[Diane24]

YES! Please see a therapist. In fact, both you and your wife should see a therapist. Not at the same time, at first, but you both need to have someone help both of you to find out where you are headed.
Diane.

[JennSC]

Pan,
First, you are NOT too old to go to a therapist. Shortly after my mother with Alzheimer's had to be put into a "memory unit" at their retirement community I visited with my 89 year old dad and accompanied him to his first of many therapy appointments. After almost 70 years of marriage he was lost!

I promise you, having someone to talk with who can at least point you in some direction of self care is the most important thing you can do for you and for your wife.

[morgan pure]

Panhead,

You're a girl.

Morgan

[MJ]

Panhead,

You're never too old Hun i was 44 when i started my transition. but you should find a way to talk to your wonderful wife all the best

[Karen564]

The only one that can really tell you what you are is Yourself.
Only You know what's lies deep with-in your soul.

Seeing a Therapist may help yourself unravel some deep down emotions you may have.
I had little titties at an early age too, around 10 or so, well not really boobs, just VERY puffy areolas that stuck way out when warm, popping the material out of my shirt and made me feel very self conscious about them, and were very visible, and was always trying to hide them too, and if I had to take my shirt off, I'd wet my finger and touch them so they would get wet & chilled then retract before anyone noticed, Just dreaded games that required my shirt to be off, and would pray to be picked for the shirts team vs the skins team.

One time in Jr High, I had to fight a classmate out in the back field, a bunch of kids gathered in a circle surrounding us both, so I'm standing there about to begin, and then he points to my chest and yells out, Hey, what are those, Tits?, Hey, He has little Tits! Everyone starts laughing, so I look down and sure enough there sticking way out, and see everyone there looking at me :confused2: , just very embarrassing for me.. I cried that night a lot, and asked God, Why did you make me this way..?
Boy, I sure did blow it not telling anyone all this way back then, if I did, who knows, maybe could of got it all fixed before puberty set in.

Take Care,
Karen

[Violet]

Pan, I can't tell you who or what you are, but I can tell you that you are NOT too old to see a therapist! I would also urge you to ask your wife to go to therapy as well, or at least to talk about this stuff with you. If you're comfortable, direct her here, to the Loved Ones section and the FAB section. Both of those have been invaluable for me in my journey towards understanding and acceptance.

[GypsyKaren]

Too old? Too old for what? I didn't transition till I was 53, had SRS a month before turning 55, you're never too old for anything.

Karen :star: