My Mind in a Box

[Kayla Shadows]

Hello.I havnt been on for some time now.Dont know if this is the right section but wanted to put my thoughts,feelings and issues somewhere.Its long so I dont expect much.

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My Mind in a Box
.......................

Im trying to find the key.I really am.Trying to pick away at it.Im stuck in this place where I cant seem to let anything out..or let anything in.Ive thought about it a lot and I still dont know why.But I do know all it does is destroy everything.Ive denied myself happiness,love and many other things.I sit here in pain as my whole life is ripped out from under me.Whatever was good,whatever could be good..whatever pleasure might have been sitting right in front of me and all I ever do is just let it go.Afraid to feel,afraid to express.I find myself struggling to accept words of kindness.Having my own self doubt doesnt help.Hating that no matter what I do,I still dont appear how I want in the mirror.Either it be still seeing facial hair no matter how hard I try to cover it..or hating that my body doesnt look the way I feel it should.After being surrounded by such negativity most of my life it makes it kinda hard to accept things I guess.Compliments,help,guidence,love..and all the things that Ive wanted but seem to shut out now.Then I realize,what the **** am I doing.Its been a long road but things will get better if I let them.With the miles left to go Im sure it would be very very beneficial.Its just hard for me though.Why? I dont know yet.....Probably because in the past,before I came out to the people who know I crossdress now,it seemed like things were so fake.Maybe I just surrounded myself with the wrong people and had to learn.Useing the word "friendship" felt like it was a way for them to get something from me.Under the guise of friend and a smile, there was some point where something I had was a use to them.Whether it be a possession,what I can do,who I know,or most commonly,to get to the person that I am with.Which has never ever failed to arrive at some point with some person.Which also makes it hard to trust people.

Im still breaking away at the things that need to be broken.Nobody should have to pay for things that happened in someones past.Its just difficult when you yourself feel broken.Everybody deserves a trust until shown otherwise..However,when you break that trust,there will not be another one waiting behind it to break again.That would be for something big though.Some things are forgivable and forgotten.Things happen and we get over them..but,we all know there are things you do not do which are unforgivable and will not be so easily forgotten.In the past couple years Ive met some of the greatest people.New friends who are greatly appreciated.Im doing my best now to listen and learn and provide my own help to them when I can.It makes a world of difference when we all stick together.I dont really have any family so my friends are the closest thing to it.My mom passed when I was 12 and my father passed in August.That kinda really messed with me.I havnt really talked too much about it...which is probably bad...but,I do that.I just bottle things up and it goes on and on until my sadness turns to hatred for this world and all the things it takes away.And nobody knows it because I dont talk about it.They think its them when I cant control myself anymore.I need to talk and be open and get all the things off my mind that drive me absolutely insane....I'll either be hateing myself or thinking something bad is going to happen in my relationship.Something thats going to bring me back to the same place I was before.Where nothing seems to make you happy.Emotions are hard to come by.More like your just breathing rather then being alive.Staring off with this emptiness inside.Just dying in silence as your mind is screaming.All I know is something has to end before I do.

...So..after a day,Im back writing..I know the only way to make things right is change.The work I do makes me miserable so that has to go.I have to start talking to people more and stop hiding everything inside.Ive accepted myself for who I am and now its time to accept that it may not be perfect...and possibly will never be.What I look like can be improved with various things.Laser removal for the hair on my face, a nice corset(the one I bought is too big now),finding more shoes that fit good..and cant have enough clothes : ) ...I need to stop beating myself up and learn to enjoy what I love to do.It makes me happy.I see without it Im not the same.It doesnt totally change who I am but it completes me..makes me feel alive...makes me forget and leave behind the person who,when I look in the mirror,isnt me.That person makes me sick..that life,that mood,that everything that is not who I am..Still I can only blame recent events on myself.My inability to make myself drive forward and not in reverse like I have been.And boy did I screw things up...because I have a problem communicating and talking about myself.One of those things that must and will change..There is a certain release when I am able to look at myself and feel like I am matching what is inside.I do not feel like the person in drab and dressed is two different people.They are the same except there is a connection that takes place where I feel like Im free.Free from everything that holds me back because I am moving forward.I dont know how to explain but everythiing feels aligned and there is a peace within myself that is reached.Something I have been missing due to my own ignorance..and the part of me that allows myself to put myself down.Nothing is perfect but imperfection is better then totally looking opposite of the gender that you feel.There is more stress created for me in male mode then with things being not totally perfect the other way around.I just fell into a state of depression and anxiety that effected everything around me..and refused to talk about it.Well...what can I say here...I let myself fall back and almost lose who I was because of self hate...and a mixture of sadness.Seeing me but,what felt like a ****** up version of me.Even though told otherwise,I could not get past feeling like a girl,who looks kind of like a girl but,far from it.The facial hair that always shows,the unladylike body,thin crappy hair and teeth I hate..I think I just let everything slip away because I really didnt want to be here anymore.And kept every single bit of it inside...

Triggers are something Im trying to understand and things I need to openly express.The things that set my mind off and make it hard to come back to the reality that Im not in the past.Words,actions.If someone is too overly eager to make me happy,buy me things,I think there is something behind it.In most cases,things that are normal between two people who love each other,are things that have been used to manipulate.I try to adjust but I feel messed up.Feel so far gone and broken that reality is hard to grab hold of.I just need someone to bare with me and understand that I have these issues..But I know they cant do that if I dont say anything.Which is another reason I need to talk.No one can understand if I dont say anything.Another thing is when someone close starts showing interest in my partner.I have had major issues with this in the past and it being something that they are both involved in.With this "friend" telling me these things because they are trying to express things that my partner isnt telling me.The person Im with would stay with me,not telling me that they are looking elsewhere but,still just keep me there thinking all is well while the are really exploring other things.When this comes up,my mind is gone.Im back where I was and reality is nowhere in sight.I dont know what real and whats not.Major issue that makes me sick and I couldnt make things better if I tried.My own personal error is when I cant accept that my appearance isnt the way I want it.I just start thinking I make a really ugly girl...and all the words that have been said to put me down in the past come back and I think maybe they were true.Compliments are hard to take or believe.I think they are just trying to be nice.There are many things I have to work on and also make known so a lightbulb pops up when someone sees me start to fall.With all this I think Im just too much work and a burden anyway...

....I guess this would be day..3?.I dont know.I havnt slept much so it feels like its been a week since I started this.Ummm...well,Ive been going through stuff and getting rid of things.Hopeing to make it to California in not too long of a time..I really need to get my eyebrows done..but,anyways..I need a bath..........
..Im back :) Its been..4 hours,lol. But Im dressed now.Kinda sucks cuz Im doing it alone..but if not Im going to burst.Most likely tears..again.So..a little goth/dark today.Whatever you want to call it.I dont really call myself goth..just a dark kind of person.No nails yet..but,why bother.Everytime I go out I never have enought time to put my nails on.What the hell,I ask you?Ok,not really.You dont know.Just never enough time.I want them on but have to look for them.Dont know where they are right now..I should be doing a vlog..but I need to set up a area for that.And pictures..I need more pictures.Its been a while...And I feel like Im being very random..but random is good...So...just my basic black all around today.Long black wig,vinyl skirt and cincher...Laces and buckles,gotta love it.Oh,and the boots :) Pleaser knee highs..with buckles ^ ^ ..I have some hair extentions that I have to start getting braided too.Blue and red that are a half dyed,half regular hair look.I really like the red but its actually a cool blue too...I think anyway.Just wish I found more of the blue.Makeup is my dermablend smartcover concealer that I use different shades as foundation and concealer.Not the greatest for me but it covers ok without feeling too heavy.Shadow and lipstick is reds and black.I also tried a new mascara that I bought.The colossal volume express by maybelline.Not too bad.And I didnt poke myself in the eye with the brush this time..thats a good thing.So instead I poked myself in the eye with my eyeliner..a new kind of fun.That sucked just as much...but anyway,now Im just rambling about things...

...Its about 3:55am and I should probably get some sleep..And probably something to eat first.I do not think Ive eaten since..well,I guess it would be almost 2 days now..coffee but I guess that doesnt really count.Trying to stop smokeing too.Ive had maybe about half of what I normally smoke.And trying to get it declineing til its almost nothing and then stop.It will be a very good thing to do.In all,I just wanted to get a lot of what was written here out.Might as well post it and get some feedback.I'll most likely continue but might just move it to a blog...but food and bed for me now..Thank you to whoever took the time to read this...

[morgan51]

D D 's girl my heart gors out to you , know that there a lot of us here that want things to be better for you and us too. Here is a big hug for you! LOVE U Keep talking it will get better. Morgan

[deja true]

I wept when I read this, darling Kayla....

And like you said, your own quietness betrays you...

By avoiding interaction with those who love you and would help you, you do indeed end up in a box. And the box gets smaller and darker the more you retreat into it.

Your next post though, Arch Enemy's "I Will Live Again", though angry sounding and evil looking is your own best answer to the terrible loneliness you're experiencing.

Fight back, dear one, fight back with a vengeance. While the attention to the clothes, to the makeup, helps assuage the hurt for a awhile, there's always the return of the heartbreak. We say it often...It's not about the clothes!

You're a beauty, Kayla, despite what you think, despite how you think you will never attain the perfection that swims in your head. And the less that you let the past and all of it's slights and imagined slights disturb your heart, the more you will see that.

Take heart, darling, there are hundreds here that wish you well. You only need to let us.

:<3:

[GypsyKaren]

Do yourself a real big favor and quit worrying about the mirror, life is all about how you live, not how you look. I've got news for you, no one is completely satisfied with how they look, everyone wants better. If better looks was a requirement for moving forward, I would have jumped off a bridge a long time ago, but I only see myself because that's all I look for, and I never wish for something that isn't there or doesn't exist. If you need to look into something, look into your heart, that's where all of the answers are to everything.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Sheila]

Kayla,

I hear your despair hun, to well ............... but there is a way out of this pit of despair.

You have friends ....... let them help

Go to your Dr ..... even a small course of Anti D's can help .... I know ..... been there done that one twice in my life

Then there are all of us, we are here, reach out to us, does not matter what time of day or night one of us will be here to talk to you, either on the forum, msn, yahoo or whatever chat programme we/you use

Sending you :hugs: and posative vines hun

Sheila

[Deborah Jane]

Kayla
You,re in a dark place right now, but by keeping on talking about it you can help clear your head.
We,re all here for you and as you know, if any of us here can help you in any way we will.
Just keep coming here among your friends, we,re all here to help you :hugs:

[kittypw GG]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Kitty

[Kimberley]

This may seem harsh but it really isnt meant to be.

I could have written this verbatim a few years ago... some of the others here can attest to that.

You have a LOT of what I call "Stinky Thinking" going on. We have all been there in varying degrees so we can all relate accordingly.

The past is past. You cant change it but you can sit and look at it and see how it is affecting you today and believe me hon, it is; perhaps more than you realize or alternatively are willing to admit. You need to get an understanding of why it is affecting you. Only you can answer that but it comes down to unresolved issues.

You also need to come to terms with what and who you are today. That means self acceptance. Self acceptance means discovering that you are a good person. You may have this little secret but in spite of it, you are still a caring and vital person capable of loving and being loved.

This is not an easy road but it is my opinion that you need to find a good therapist to help you sort this. In my case it took about 2 years and today I am a whole lot better for it.

:hugs::love:
Kimmie

[jennylw2]

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time Kayla. Can I share something with you? Well... I guess I can since this is a forum and you can't stop me :P lol. Bear in mind I'm not telling you this to depress you any further, nor am I looking for pity in return. I just want you to know that we all go through dark, dark places sometimes.

About three years ago my wife of 7 years decided to leave me. It wasn't a gradual thing. She went to Louisiana to visit a 'friend'. When she got back she told me she was leaving, taking the only car we had that worked and not taking the kids. My son or her daughter from another relationship. I took care of both the kids, alone for a year before I had to send her daughter back to her. (very long story). That Xmas my parents came to visit for a couple months to help me out. Right after they got back home my father had a major heart attack and died, instantly. That April, my niece, who was more like my sister being only 2 years younger than me, took her own life. She was bi-polar which I fear you might be. A few months later we lost my aunt as well. That was more death and loss than I could take. Believe me it was a dark time, but I began to recover slowly, with therapy. Last year I met another woman and we fell in love. She moved right in and we were happy for a time. Then she too decided to leave last month. Now here I am alone again wondering who or what the hell I am. Trying to understand why I'm TG and how I'm going to live the rest of my life.

I look in the mirror and see the same thing you do, a beard. I have no idea how I will ever cover that up or how I will look when I finally decide to go out. I know I won't look as good as you, that's for sure. Fortunately I have one ray of light. My friend who is, like you, a bit dark :) and I love her for it. She has been very accepting and is the only person I have told. Now I have this forum too. I'm starting therapy again soon and I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. There is light Kayla. At least I think that's light, maybe it's a train lol. Seriously though you can make it through. I'm not a strong person at all and I still have a little hope left. If you ever need anything, let me know. I'll listen, I'll cry with you, whatever you need. One thing I never run out of is love.

Hugz,
Jenny

[Kayla Shadows]

D D 's girl my heart gors out to you , know that there a lot of us here that want things to be better for you and us too. Here is a big hug for you! LOVE U Keep talking it will get better. Morgan

Thank you *hugs*




I wept when I read this, darling Kayla....

And like you said, your own quietness betrays you...

By avoiding interaction with those who love you and would help you, you do indeed end up in a box. And the box gets smaller and darker the more you retreat into it.

Your next post though, Arch Enemy's "I Will Live Again", though angry sounding and evil looking is your own best answer to the terrible loneliness you're experiencing.

Fight back, dear one, fight back with a vengeance. While the attention to the clothes, to the makeup, helps assuage the hurt for a awhile, there's always the return of the heartbreak. We say it often...It's not about the clothes!

You're a beauty, Kayla, despite what you think, despite how you think you will never attain the perfection that swims in your head. And the less that you let the past and all of it's slights and imagined slights disturb your heart, the more you will see that.

Take heart, darling, there are hundreds here that wish you well. You only need to let us.

:<3:

Hi Deja.Thank you.I am trying to fight this.I understand the clothes and things might make it better for some time but things might come back..Thats if I let it.I must be in contol of how I see myself and let things in the past go.To be able to grow,that is a must.


Do yourself a real big favor and quit worrying about the mirror, life is all about how you live, not how you look. I've got news for you, no one is completely satisfied with how they look, everyone wants better. If better looks was a requirement for moving forward, I would have jumped off a bridge a long time ago, but I only see myself because that's all I look for, and I never wish for something that isn't there or doesn't exist. If you need to look into something, look into your heart, that's where all of the answers are to everything.

Karen Starlene :star:

I hear you Karen.I have to relax and accept how I am.Things arent as bad as I make them and its time to realize that.Without the worry,such a weight is lifted.Ive been getting up,dressing again and am able to be pleased with what I see.Ive thought too much into what people have said before.People that had nothing but hatred towards me so I shouldnt have expected anything nice anyway.Im trying to learn.


Kayla,

I hear your despair hun, to well ............... but there is a way out of this pit of despair.

You have friends ....... let them help

Go to your Dr ..... even a small course of Anti D's can help .... I know ..... been there done that one twice in my life

Then there are all of us, we are here, reach out to us, does not matter what time of day or night one of us will be here to talk to you, either on the forum, msn, yahoo or whatever chat programme we/you use

Sending you :hugs: and posative vines hun

Sheila

Thank you.I do need to talk more and understand things.I just dont know if medication is a answer right now.I have to change how I see myself by myself.And the way I have let people continue to mess with my heart and mind,eventhough they are out of my life,needs to come to a close.I see them for who they were and have to realize it wont always be that way.


Kayla
You,re in a dark place right now, but by keeping on talking about it you can help clear your head.
We,re all here for you and as you know, if any of us here can help you in any way we will.
Just keep coming here among your friends, we,re all here to help you :hugs:

Thank you.I will keep coming here.I make things worse then they are and know I have control over turning everything totally around


Kayla,
Honestly I've always thought you were one of the prettiest cd's that is on this forum. I think you need to step back from yourself and kid get some damn sleep and something to eat. Put down that cup of coffee already.

I made it through your long post and my heart goes out to you but are you sure that you are not bi-polar? Maybe a little counseling and some proper medications could turn things around for you.

I hope you find peace with yourself and your life. Growth always comes after a little pain so try to look forward to the insights you will gain through this dark time in your life. Trust me, lately I have had my share of dark times which keep comming and going for now but this too shall pass.

Keep your chin up kid and stop looking for perfection. Remember we are our own worst enemies and critics. If you stare at your self in the mirror of course you will find fault and it is one dimentional but honestly others don't look that close and they get the view of the whole you that you don't see.

Again you are beautiful as a male or female and the envy of many here. Don't forget that.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Kitty

Thank you.I have eaten and got as much sleep as I could.And the things that eat at me,I dont think meds will solve.They cant take back things that have happened.Its up to me.Do I set myself free or do I remain a slave to the evil that has been to me.Its all a choice.I really dont think I am bipolar.Im sure there would be a lot of very surprized people if they read this.Up until the last 5 years or so,I was happy all the time.After being in a relationship with someone who it seemed had 10 different personalities,Im sure there would be another human being questioning their own sanity after that.All I can say is,wow.I never talk about things and nothing gets better that way.Maybe I just feel stupid for putting up with things..My heart and mind was really taken for a ride though.There is a lot of stuff I need to throw away.Thank you for you words. *hugs*


This may seem harsh but it really isnt meant to be.

I could have written this verbatim a few years ago... some of the others here can attest to that.

You have a LOT of what I call "Stinky Thinking" going on. We have all been there in varying degrees so we can all relate accordingly.

The past is past. You cant change it but you can sit and look at it and see how it is affecting you today and believe me hon, it is; perhaps more than you realize or alternatively are willing to admit. You need to get an understanding of why it is affecting you. Only you can answer that but it comes down to unresolved issues.

You also need to come to terms with what and who you are today. That means self acceptance. Self acceptance means discovering that you are a good person. You may have this little secret but in spite of it, you are still a caring and vital person capable of loving and being loved.

This is not an easy road but it is my opinion that you need to find a good therapist to help you sort this. In my case it took about 2 years and today I am a whole lot better for it.

:hugs::love:
Kimmie

It wasnt harsh at all.I understand and have witnessed what that kind of thinking does.And I have to think hard about things.I dont want to continue feeling this way.Why should I?..All this hell that I feel over people who didnt even care about me.Its ridiculous.Avoiding the issues hasnt helped me.You start to really think about things and its like someone flicked a switch.Karens right,you do have to look inside for the answer.I have had many to think since purging my thoughts and things are starting to become clear again.


I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time Kayla. Can I share something with you? Well... I guess I can since this is a forum and you can't stop me :P lol. Bear in mind I'm not telling you this to depress you any further, nor am I looking for pity in return. I just want you to know that we all go through dark, dark places sometimes.

About three years ago my wife of 7 years decided to leave me. It wasn't a gradual thing. She went to Louisiana to visit a 'friend'. When she got back she told me she was leaving, taking the only car we had that worked and not taking the kids. My son or her daughter from another relationship. I took care of both the kids, alone for a year before I had to send her daughter back to her. (very long story). That Xmas my parents came to visit for a couple months to help me out. Right after they got back home my father had a major heart attack and died, instantly. That April, my niece, who was more like my sister being only 2 years younger than me, took her own life. She was bi-polar which I fear you might be. A few months later we lost my aunt as well. That was more death and loss than I could take. Believe me it was a dark time, but I began to recover slowly, with therapy. Last year I met another woman and we fell in love. She moved right in and we were happy for a time. Then she too decided to leave last month. Now here I am alone again wondering who or what the hell I am. Trying to understand why I'm TG and how I'm going to live the rest of my life.

I look in the mirror and see the same thing you do, a beard. I have no idea how I will ever cover that up or how I will look when I finally decide to go out. I know I won't look as good as you, that's for sure. Fortunately I have one ray of light. My friend who is, like you, a bit dark :) and I love her for it. She has been very accepting and is the only person I have told. Now I have this forum too. I'm starting therapy again soon and I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. There is light Kayla. At least I think that's light, maybe it's a train lol. Seriously though you can make it through. I'm not a strong person at all and I still have a little hope left. If you ever need anything, let me know. I'll listen, I'll cry with you, whatever you need. One thing I never run out of is love.

Hugz,
Jenny

Hello.Im very sorry to hear about that.Its hard loseing people.I never talk about how I feel or anything so I deny myself any type of release from the things I feel.I still dont know about bipolar.Most people who have nown me my whole life would probably say Im pretty hard to rattle.I think if you take any sane person and submit them to the insanity I witnessed,,what I guess was "normal" to somebody (she was obviously insane.And I am one of many who would agree),im sure they would need a little time too.I just need to sort things out in my head and get rid of all the negativity.Thank you so much for posting a reply and the offer

[kittypw GG]

:hugs:
Kitty

[Kayla Shadows]

Kayla,
You remind me of my son. He is so hard on himself. You need to forgive yourself. Whatever happened in the past is past. You have to move on forgive. Take the icky stuff out, look at it and indeed throw it away. It is not who you are now so stop dwelling on it. We all have bad s#it in our pasts. God sometimes I'll be enjoying the day driving in my car with the sun on my face and my damn mind brings up a most embarassing memory. It makes me cringe but it is like how we hyper examine ourselves in the mirror, honestly others don't really remember those embasassing moments. Kimberly is right it is nothing but "stinking thinking".

Keep talking till your blue in the face if that is what will help. I'm sure I can speak for others here that we can at least listen an lift you up a bit.

:hugs:
Kitty

Thank you :hugs: It is all just bad thinking.And I really messed things up because of it.For whatever reason,its just been amazingly hard to talk about what bothers me.I refuse to let it happen again so I just started writeing and thinking about things.Writeing just to purge all this unwanted poison inside of me.I go back and read and I know I dont want that to be me.

I should be sleeping but it just isnt happening right now.

I sat for a long time in the mirror just examining myself and trying to find the truth.Ive had many,many hours to think..,to decide what I want for myself..and to conclude that the misery that I let myself cause is absolutely a poison running through me.Like they say,sometimes we are our own worst enemy.I am the enemy...but,I am also the antidote.There is no medication or therapy to make me do what I have to do for myself.And thats...let go...Let go of all of these bad memories.Accept them for what they are and throw it away...Accept myself for who I am.And I am doing that.After I just screwed everything up,things could be better but,...the work I need to do on myself to make sure it doesnt happen again is in its much needed motion..and thats forward.Not tomarrow but today.I can do nothing about tomarrow if I dont change today.

I reread what I wrote the last couple of days.I hated reading it and seeing myself like that..but,the space is what caught me.After two days of...hateing myself for hateing myself ?..I began to break things down.I felt release being able to purge what I keep inside.Ive had long talks on myspace and yahoo with long time friends.Came out to a friend who took it very well.That was hard but I feel better.And day 3 in my log of thoughts is something much different then the past few or more months...Months!...I got up,put my makeup on,got dressed and decided it was time to to take control of myself and the direction of my life.Since then its a ongoing process.The same thing today.Except I actually walked the garbage out and around the corner to the street.I have never actually stepped foot out of my own house dressed..until tonight..Or,ok,last night.Its now 3:22am.Yes,Ive been out dressed.Just never opened my own door and walked out of it.Its small but its something.And on that note I should probably get some rest.This long enough for now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

a book i just read calls them ANT's Automatic negative thoughts....

they are just thoughts, yet they can be so powerful...

btw...my book says....call them out and label them...identify them for what they are and make them what they are...just thoughts....

if you think about it, that's what you just did!!! keep doing it and remember they are just thoughts.

i hear you about all that stuff, the triggers, the self hatred, the feeling that i'm broken and unfixable...the need to just write it all out
i have been there...i have lost my marraige and my 2 teenage daughters are about to find out about me, because the only way i've found to stay alive is to keep going forward...

i have found that this process is like breaking down everything and then slowly building it back it up...there are huge ups and downs and sometimes the downs can feel just impossible...but i can tell you i've seen the bottom...and i just won't let myself stay there...

btw
thats another good one a ts friend of mine said to me..
abmf....always be moving forward...sorry for the acronymns!!! :doh:
but even if it's inch by inch, that feeling of movement and of achieving something will help alot (at least it does for me)

anyway....for what it's worth i read everything you wrote and i feel for you and you are not alone

michele

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you so much Michele.It means a lot taking the time to read this.Ive seen that some of the longer posts dont get as many replies but all I wanted was somewhere to vent....and find out if this is just me.I started to close up again and I need to talk to people.I know the bad thoughts have to go an Im taking steps to stay off the bottom.

[Huntress]

Kayla,
Thinking about you a few days ago. With your brain as big as a Buick, but using only the right side rear view mirror for actual mentation.

When we were on the steps of MOMA, last summer, I could see things in your eyes that your friends want you to let out. Good & bad. You MAY not have the key. Introspection without a guide, can take you straight down the rabbit hole.

You know I died late in July, because of evil people. It was not my time. God and my very strong back muscles saved me. I had to work very hard these last few months to be back in the game.

You have the same strength down in your belly.

Quit Phuckin' around and find a Pro. (not Pop-Psy.) Bag SL (Turn it OFF!) until you get a foot on the path of FL.
You know I normally only play the advice game with things like SOFLAM's, and I charge Mega-rates for such.
You are not my business, but I like you. It makes me sad and angry to see so much of you go unrealized. Get Movin'. Your life really depends on it.

De Oppresso Liber,
Huntress

[Kayla Shadows]

Kayla,
Thinking about you a few days ago. With your brain as big as a Buick, but using only the right side rear view mirror for actual mentation.

When we were on the steps of MOMA, last summer, I could see things in your eyes that your friends want you to let out. Good & bad. You MAY not have the key. Introspection without a guide, can take you straight down the rabbit hole.

You know I died late in July, because of evil people. It was not my time. God and my very strong back muscles saved me. I had to work very hard these last few months to be back in the game.

You have the same strength down in your belly.

Quit Phuckin' around and find a Pro. (not Pop-Psy.) Bag SL (Turn it OFF!) until you get a foot on the path of FL.
You know I normally only play the advice game with things like SOFLAM's, and I charge Mega-rates for such.
You are not my business, but I like you. It makes me sad and angry to see so much of you go unrealized. Get Movin'. Your life really depends on it.

De Oppresso Liber,
Huntress

Hello Huntress.First,Ive said it before but,Im am so Happy thats things werent worse and your still around.I couldnt believe what happened.Glad your doing better :)

I really need to break down the walls around me and step out.I hold myself captive with these thoughts and I really dont want to.I try to just avoid things by keeping my mind far away and it doesnt help.I have to deal with them to get on the right path.Im trying to move in the right direction.Its me who has to start but I know I cant do it alone anymore.I have to talk to people,let things out and be done with them.Sometimes it just hurts to talk about certain things so I keep away from it.So in turn,I keep everything bottled and it just stays with me.I want it to end..I need it to end.

Thank you for helping.I understand what your saying and it is very much appreciated.You are a great friend.

[GypsyKaren]

Kayla, we're all experts at building walls, and we're also our own worse enemy. As hard as it is to remove the barriers and as scary as it can be to go out, it's also very simple, you just do it. I believe that moving in any direction is better than standing frozen in fear, the worse that can happen is you'll bump into something, then you just try a different way and never give up.

I used to tell my p-doc that there was no way I could move forward, and she asked me "what's the worst that can happen if you do?" I then brought up all of the things I knew I would lose and how my life would end, but then I thought "well, maybe not". I realized that I was expecting the end of the world, but I could then see that never happens and that the Sun would still come up the next day, no matter what I do. Whenever I'm faced with doubt or a difficult decision now, I ask myself that question, "what's the worst that can happen if...", and I always find a way to make it happen.


That's what life is all about, making it happen, and it doesn't do it by itself. We all have to work to get through each day, we all have to take what comes, but I've always believed that things that come easy aren't worth having, I like to earn my way and pay my dues. Give it a try, you might be surprised at what you're capable of doing, I know I was.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Lisa_M]

Hello Huntress.First,Ive said it before but,Im am so Happy thats things werent worse and your still around.I couldnt believe what happened.Glad your doing better :)

I really need to break down the walls around me and step out.I hold myself captive with these thoughts and I really dont want to.I try to just avoid things by keeping my mind far away and it doesnt help.I have to deal with them to get on the right path.Im trying to move in the right direction.Its me who has to start but I know I cant do it alone anymore.I have to talk to people,let things out and be done with them.Sometimes it just hurts to talk about certain things so I keep away from it.So in turn,I keep everything bottled and it just stays with me.I want it to end..I need it to end.

Thank you for helping.I understand what your saying and it is very much appreciated.You are a great friend.

Kayla, after reading all your posts I must say my heart goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from. There was a time when I too built walls, and held everything in. I would bury it deep down inside of me. It would all fester and boil to the point that it would have to find a way out. Usually in me yelling or crying. But I can see that you are trying, its not easy I know, I would look in the mirror and see a hidiouse person, nothing was right. I was all alone, and drove off my friends and family by build my own walls. But I can tell you it gets better, look in the mirror tell yourself you are beautiful, find something good about yourself, and remind yourself about your good. I thought I was alone till I found this board, the people and there stories here help me to realize that I am not alone. That even in my darkest hour they will be here. We will always be here for you, no matter what, dear. You seem like great person, that is very beautiful! I wish you best on this journey, and we will be here for you. :hugs:

[Kayla Shadows]

Kayla, we're all experts at building walls, and we're also our own worse enemy. As hard as it is to remove the barriers and as scary as it can be to go out, it's also very simple, you just do it. I believe that moving in any direction is better than standing frozen in fear, the worse that can happen is you'll bump into something, then you just try a different way and never give up.

I used to tell my p-doc that there was no way I could move forward, and she asked me "what's the worst that can happen if you do?" I then brought up all of the things I knew I would lose and how my life would end, but then I thought "well, maybe not". I realized that I was expecting the end of the world, but I could then see that never happens and that the Sun would still come up the next day, no matter what I do. Whenever I'm faced with doubt or a difficult decision now, I ask myself that question, "what's the worst that can happen if...", and I always find a way to make it happen.


That's what life is all about, making it happen, and it doesn't do it by itself. We all have to work to get through each day, we all have to take what comes, but I've always believed that things that come easy aren't worth having, I like to earn my way and pay my dues. Give it a try, you might be surprised at what you're capable of doing, I know I was.

Karen Starlene :star:

Thank you Karen.I deffinately agree.Whats easy isnt the same as something you worked hard to achieve.Im being easy on myself,thinking and moving in small steps like you said.I still go,omg,when I think of what to do next.Mostly work is what upsets me.I dont know where or what I will find but,I have to figure out something.Out of everything,thats what scares me the most.Im so unsure of how to go about finding a place I will be comfortable at.Besides finding work,laser hair removal for my face and going more full time is what I'll be moving towards.I now I cant handle everything at once so these few things are a target.Your right though,nothing gets done standing still.I have to start looking hard at what I can do.



Kayla, after reading all your posts I must say my heart goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from. There was a time when I too built walls, and held everything in. I would bury it deep down inside of me. It would all fester and boil to the point that it would have to find a way out. Usually in me yelling or crying. But I can see that you are trying, its not easy I know, I would look in the mirror and see a hidiouse person, nothing was right. I was all alone, and drove off my friends and family by build my own walls. But I can tell you it gets better, look in the mirror tell yourself you are beautiful, find something good about yourself, and remind yourself about your good. I thought I was alone till I found this board, the people and there stories here help me to realize that I am not alone. That even in my darkest hour they will be here. We will always be here for you, no matter what, dear. You seem like great person, that is very beautiful! I wish you best on this journey, and we will be here for you. :hugs:

Thank you Lisa.Yes,walls are no good.All it seems to do is cause more problems on top of other problems.I guess I like to learn the hard way.Its hard to talk abut things for me.Mostly because I hate bringing these feelings back up..but then they just stay there and nothing gets better.So,I am probably just going to get it out of me somehow,some way.Which I will probably just do under my responce to you.If anybody reads it,thats awesome.If not then its still out there.


Ive done a introduction but, really havnt talked about me,where Ive been or what I experienced.Ive wrote something like this twice today but I am just going to write it all over again.It makes me have to think again.So...

I grew up in a very small town where I was amongst a lot of racist and very closed minded people.Being different felt like a crime.Even with something like music,if your likes were out of the ordinary,you were made to feel like a outcast and a freak.I always knew something with me was a little different.The way I thought and my emotions.I would wear my moms clothes and wanted nothing to do with my dads.When I was still young he would ask me if I was a sissy or if I was gay.I can remember standing there after a comment one time and thinking,I dont feel like a boy.Something I would not dare say.I would rather play with girls and do things with them.Its been so long but, I can remember now playing with makeup and having fun.It was a beautiful thing to me.

At about 12 I started growing my hair out.I wasnt allowed up until then but was made to cut it a little while later.I had to suppress a lot of things.I hated not being able to feel how I wanted to feel.Just let go and be me.I didnt want to have to put up this fake front and act like someone else.With a tiny bit more freedom at 13 or 14 I started to grow it again.I was trying to dress a little more how I would like.Knowing I could absolutely not dress how I would love.Kids at school were still a little rough about it.I still started wearing bracelets,necklaces and whatever else I could get away with.My attitude was pretty much,screw what they think.Wasnt allowed to get both ears pierced though.It wouldnt matter though because what I was doing was going to reach its end with my parents.I had to fight to keep my hair and was amazingly allowed.My mom passed and it was just me and my dad.He was strict so I wasnt getting away with anything still.

Somewhere around 16 maybe,my Aunt who didnt live to far had given me a bag of clothes to bring home.They were some of her old clothes including some of my cousins.So I brought them home and decided to look through the bag.Nobody was home so I took what wasnt going to fit my sister,who was 7 years older then me,and hid them in my room...after trying them on.I dont think anyone ever found them.Im sure someone would have said something.I dont think anyone knew until last year at 30 when DD started questioning things.Til then,on and off I would always dress.Never fully.My best friend ended up killing himself when I was 16 as well.For a while I was really destroyed about it.It still makes me very sad.Ive talked to the girl he was going out with at the time.She is such a awesome person.To know that its been so many years and it still effects her..it makes me cry.

Relationships came and went in those years.I didnt live with anybody til about when I was 20.I moved in with a girl and we were together until I was about 28 or so.Things were ok until her mom lost her house and moved in.She was just as insane...with the papers to prove it I found out years later.Things from there were still ok.I just didnt know what was going on at times.I started seeing that she was very anti anything alternative.Hated gay people,trangendered people were freaks to her and so on.Crossdressing was deffinately out.Still I started again and kept things well hidden.There is no doubt that she would have said something of left if she found them.The whole time,things were ok and then they werent.At the end I started seeing I was only treated nice when she wanted something.Or if she knew I was about to leave.Inbetween she was ok,mean at times or very hurtful when it came to anything I had interest in.I felt like I was always made to feel stupid about it.She had to be right to the point that,anything I talked about,there was some way that I was wrong.It could be something totally off the point but,it was something I was ofcourse missing.Some way that she had to be in control.Another one who had a problem with the clothes I wear(even just guy clothes),the music I listen to,the friends I have,the way my hair is...everything.I would want out of it and all of a sudden this different person appears.I was stupid and fell for things but that ended.

After that madness,I was free and trying to figure out where I left off.Between that mess and my parents,I constanly suppressed who I was.After you push things away for so long,push them down and try to be like people want..what happens? You become the mask.I tried to purge the person I still knew I wasnt me.Something inbetween 2 years later,I started to fall for someone.Why it was someone who would not approve of who I am,I dont know.I guess I just didnt know anyone like me...and thought I could never be who I am and I would never be loved.That relationship lasted for maybe 4 months and then she started to freak out.Her best friend would call me and ask why she isnt even talking to her.I dont know what was going on.I thought I met someone special but it ended very sharply.There and gone just like that.That kinda messed me up too.I didnt get it.She made it seem like it was safe to just let go and be free.And then there was nothing.It hurt a lot that someone would do that.In not a very long time later,maybe a few days,I started to try and dress again.

Ive never had a lot of money so I still hadnt dressed as fully as I wanted to.Bills kept my mind off anything like that.A friend of mine had come out that he was crossdressing.I thought,wow,this great.As she was thinking,"Wow,I cant believe I said that.Are we still friends?". Umm..well,there is something you need to know,lol.It was pretty funny.Great but, I dont know whats going on today.Her friends dont know where she is either.I dont know why people do that..but, anyway,I started reading things on the internet trying to figure myself out.Also finding out whats good to start doing that I havent been doing.As far as skin products and things of that nature.Still was unsure if I could really do it.I thought I would just have to give myself up again because nobody would love me.At the same time I started to realize who I am is never going to leave.4 months go by from the last relationship and I meet DD.She is very beautiful with the most gorgeous eyes.I know I should have told her right away but I didnt even know what I was doing myself.It took about 6 months until she started asking questions.And I was still afraid to say it.I was trying to figure out how to come out with it.Her bringing things to light made me happy knowing that hopefully it will just come out soon.It needed to.I chickened out on Halloween before that and didnt dress like I wanted to.At the time all I had was my regular goth makeup and a few things in a box that had been sitting there.I didnt get a chance to get clothes yet.It was a ugly pair of shoes,cheap nails and some fake lashes.Also found the wig that was buried after I moved a bunch of stuff.She ended up getting it out of me which was good for the both of us.She helped me out with so much that I will be forever grateful for.I know she is a amazing person and great friend.My best friend.I let myself and these negative things in me,that I have never let out,take control of me and ruin a part of our relationship.And thats pretty much all I will say about us for the moment.I dont think details need to be public right now.All I hope is that she knows she is truly appreciated and means very much.Shes done so much that Ive been missing because I need to fix myself.And just like I will never hide who I am from someone Im with,I hope to never drag myself down again.I will accept that I am ok the way I am and will move forward to improve my life upon that.I will not let the past take control of me and I will live my life.

[matrioshka]

Kayla, I'm not trans, just a CD'er, but I've read your posts and felt compelled to say this:

I've been there. Purged everything, thought I would walk away from it all. It just made the funk I was in worse. I tried to kill Katrina, and it almost killed me.

I thank God I have someone to talk to, someone who cares and understands. And yeah, you get burned enough, trusting someone can be a bitch. And she has problems of her own. We try to help each other, and it works.

I'm a positive fecking ray of sunshine.
Katrina

[kristyk]

DD Girl keep rambling your with a lot of people here that have experienced some of what you have gone through. Life is a wonderful thing even though we all have really bad days or weeks or months somtimes I love life as much as it kicks my A--- a lot of times. I hope to read your next post soon and hope even more things start going your way.
Kristy
:hugs:

[Kayla Shadows]

Kayla, I'm not trans, just a CD'er, but I've read your posts and felt compelled to say this:

I've been there. Purged everything, thought I would walk away from it all. It just made the funk I was in worse. I tried to kill Katrina, and it almost killed me.

I thank God I have someone to talk to, someone who cares and understands. And yeah, you get burned enough, trusting someone can be a bitch. And she has problems of her own. We try to help each other, and it works.

I'm a positive fecking ray of sunshine.
Katrina

Hi Katrina.Having someone to talk to deffinately makes things a whole lot better.It is really important to get your feelings out.Ive had to look at the way Ive been going about things and it had to change.I drive everyone I care about away when I dont want to and do things I dont want to do.In the end,all it does is cause more pain and I think Ive had enough of it already.



DD Girl keep rambling your with a lot of people here that have experienced some of what you have gone through. Life is a wonderful thing even though we all have really bad days or weeks or months somtimes I love life as much as it kicks my A--- a lot of times. I hope to read your next post soon and hope even more things start going your way.
Kristy
:hugs:

Hi Kristy. Things are going a little bit better today.After the mess Ive made of things,it bothers me a lot that Ive done things I never wanted.I really wish I could go back and change it but its something that isnt possible.I can only continue forward,change and try to clean up what Ive done.My issues arent with anyone in my present life and it is not fair to involve my past in current relations with people.I know this but it was hard to realize.You get stuck in a way of thinking and its hard to break.I need to be free of it.Im starting and today I feel like I can breathe again.

Im so thankful for everyone who took the time to read and comment.You are all a great bunch that I am happy to be a part of.There are many threads that I have to catch up on.I havnt felt able to respond while Im getting my own head on straight.Thankfully I am getting there and have a better grasp on myself and where I want my life to be.

Currently,I have emailed someone in California who helps transgendered people find job placement.I am still waiting to hear back.Ive been stressed but continuing to cut down on my smoking.I really hate it.After my bath yesterday,I really loved how everything smells in the house.Then I go downstairs and I can smell is cigarettes.Its really disgusting actually.So,for the second time,I stepped out today to smoke in the front yard.My landlord lives in another part of the house and is very christian.I dont know how he would take things or react but,I wanted to get out again.Even if it was just infront of my home,I wanted to.His door is right next to mine and he can walk out at any time which feels odd.IF I had to explain it,then I guess I would just have to explain it.

I dont really cook but Ive been trying to learn.In the last couple days I havnt burned anything,and it was edible,so that was good,lol.Its kinda fun.Been trying to get better with my makeup and Im happy so far.Could be worse so I have no complaints.I have a couple new pictures that I will probably put up at sometime.Just have to sort though them right now.I have emails to catch up on before bed so it will probably be tomarrow.

Thats pretty much it so far.Im looking for things to be better and taking the actions to get me there.It feels good :)
Id like to thank you all again for your support.It means a lot to me to know people are there.

[ReineD]

Kayla, I'd like to share with you a lesson it took me a lifetime to learn.

I cannot accept love from others if I do not love myself. And I will continue to hate seeing what I see in the mirror until I learn to love myself.

One solution:
This may seem overly simplistic, but when a child has low self esteem and suffers at school and socially, it is recommended she and her parents choose just one activity she can shine at. The success accomplished in this area will spill over in all areas of the child's life, and she will begin to feel empowered again. Can you take just one thing in your life and begin to make changes there .... a job? changes with friends? an acquired skill? exercise? Just one thing for now, while you also continue to dress and just have a good time with DD.

When I look at all the things in my life I need to change all at once, I feel discouraged and utterly overwhelmed. It is easy for me to stay stuck when I feel like this. But when I've accomplished something I had set out to do, even if it is minute, I am filled with more energy and somehow the world looks that much simpler to me. Not quite so heavy.

One little baby step at a time.
:hugs:

P.S. You are beautiful. You really are.

[jennylw2]

I'm really glad you are doing better Kayla. I don't have much more to offer since I'm deep in a hole myself right now, but I was worried about you. It's good to hear some hope in your 'voice'.

I didn't know they had places that would help us find jobs. Wonder if they have any in AZ. Gives me a little hope at least. Let me know how that turns out for you. Hang in there girl. We can do this.

Love,
Jenny :love:

[DemonicDaughter]

As you already know, I've been thinking about how to respond to this post for a bit now. I have to say, I'm extremely proud of you that you've started expressing yourself so openly. I know just how difficult it is for you. I also know how much you truly need this.

I never want you to feel at fault for everything that happens, everyone plays their parts in situations. No one is perfect. All we can hope for is to be able to walk away with the ability of still calling each other friends and helping each other move forward. All I want is for you to be the happiest in your life that you can be.

And you know that if you need anything I'll be there for you whenever you need me.

You are such a beautiful person. I hope somehow you can get to where you need to be and see the person I've seen deep inside you.

:love:

[Kayla Shadows]

Kayla, I'd like to share with you a lesson it took me a lifetime to learn.

I cannot accept love from others if I do not love myself. And I will continue to hate seeing what I see in the mirror until I learn to love myself.

One solution:
This may seem overly simplistic, but when a child has low self esteem and suffers at school and socially, it is recommended she and her parents choose just one activity she can shine at. The success accomplished in this area will spill over in all areas of the child's life, and she will begin to feel empowered again. Can you take just one thing in your life and begin to make changes there .... a job? changes with friends? an acquired skill? exercise? Just one thing for now, while you also continue to dress and just have a good time with DD.

When I look at all the things in my life I need to change all at once, I feel discouraged and utterly overwhelmed. It is easy for me to stay stuck when I feel like this. But when I've accomplished something I had set out to do, even if it is minute, I am filled with more energy and somehow the world looks that much simpler to me. Not quite so heavy.

One little baby step at a time.
:hugs:

P.S. You are beautiful. You really are.

Thank you Reine :hugs: I think small steps and concentrating on one thing at a time will give me a sense of accomplishment when I see things moving.Thinking of everything is absolutly way too much.All it does is become overwhelming and I feel so lost.

I agree,its hard to accept love or love someone else until you love yourself.Something I am learning.


I'm really glad you are doing better Kayla. I don't have much more to offer since I'm deep in a hole myself right now, but I was worried about you. It's good to hear some hope in your 'voice'.

I didn't know they had places that would help us find jobs. Wonder if they have any in AZ. Gives me a little hope at least. Let me know how that turns out for you. Hang in there girl. We can do this.

Love,
Jenny :love:

Thanks Jenny.Sorry to hear things arent the greatest right now for you either.Hang in there too.

I dont know anybody who lives close to me and being alone all the time isnt fun.Im doing ok but sometimes a little down.Deffinately not as bad as I was though.Things arent as I want them right now and I cant pretend to be happy about it...but I dont want it to depress me either.

I hope there is somebody in AZ that you can find to get help with work and things like.I havnt heard back yet so Im going to start searching other options and places.

Things will get better and we will change life around. :hugs:


As you already know, I've been thinking about how to respond to this post for a bit now. I have to say, I'm extremely proud of you that you've started expressing yourself so openly. I know just how difficult it is for you. I also know how much you truly need this.

I never want you to feel at fault for everything that happens, everyone plays their parts in situations. No one is perfect. All we can hope for is to be able to walk away with the ability of still calling each other friends and helping each other move forward. All I want is for you to be the happiest in your life that you can be.

And you know that if you need anything I'll be there for you whenever you need me.

You are such a beautiful person. I hope somehow you can get to where you need to be and see the person I've seen deep inside you.

:love:

Friends is all I could ask for :) You are my best and I love you.All I want is for you to be happy too.Wherever and whoever that is with.You are a beautiful person who deserves the best.I'll always be there when you need me too and you can count on that.Ive had problems with myself but I absolutely refuse to let it get in the way anymore.Change and a new start is where Im headed.I want my friendships repaired and the people I care about to know just how much I really care.I cant do that stuck in a black cloud.The pink is bad enough sometimes...but,the black? Thats just utter poison to ones soul.Form the ashes of my life its now or never.Destroy,erase,improve.

Im lucky and very grateful that you are still a part of life.I wouldnt want it any other way. :hugs: :love:

[Nicole Erin]

You got my PM.
Hopefully soon I will get a blue window saying someone is offering friendship.

Kayla we have been around a while but never talked a whole lot.

Everyone there that I talk to knows who I am in RL as far as being TG, some are very cool people and I would like to intro you to them as well.

I think it is time we connect...