Truth... (Vent)

[CrossdressinGoth]

I would like to start off by saying this is a vent, but its made with the sole purpose of getting understanding and maybe some explanation. I’m not going to be attacking anyone, just making many open statements about a lot on things I’ve noticed on the forums and it bothers me.

When posting MTF post pictures and they wonder how they look, why is it that no offense, some of the not very passable or good looking ones get told they are so beautiful, they are stunning, and everything else? I’m no beauty queen but in all honesty, I would expect honest views from people, after all, this is a support site, its meant to help others, not baby right? If something is wrong with my looks, I would love to be told so I can improve on the quality of my feminine life. Others may not want that, and I can understand that too, but in all honesty, if you post a picture of yourself for comments, to me it should be fair game to post a blunt, honest answer. Now I’m not saying tell someone they look like a f****** freak, simply tell them what is wrong with the picture so to speak. It seems majority of goals on this site is to become “passable mtf” people. Carrying someone under your wings and protecting them from negativity in the long run will hurt any potential gain in wisdom, and desire to improve on the skillfulness of ones appearance to achieve a more feminine look. What really gets me is when someone doesn’t do a very well job and they post pictures, they get high praise when they shouldn’t, they go out in public, then come back and post stories of horrible experiences about being read and stared at, or laughed at or whatever. I know not everyone is going to pass, but to me, a support site is to help standup and guide those that are in need of guidance. Lets face facts, not everyone can be stunning beauties when dressing, but this being a support forum, we should all be here to help, and lying is not a way that is helping.

Topics that get posted I often wonder what does it have to do with dressing, and how can discussing it improve what we try to do as mtf dressers. One topic of discussion, and not to knock the one who started it, but seriously, since when does “farting while dressed” have anything to do with support? Its topics like this that drive me nuts because here we are, trying to get help and support, and if wondering how many fart in your panties while dressed is a major thing to find out for support, then I along with many others must be on the wrong wave length for or mtf dressing. I just can’t believe some of the topics I find on the forum, whether it be something like that, or multiple topics about the same nonsense that has absolutely nothing to do with dressing. To go a step further, what about the topics that are asked that are simply answers and should not take time to need a response? Many threads to me seem self explanatory by the ones that post. Some of which that I’m sure by the time they are finished typing the thread and reading it they should know the answer by default. Yes being a man wearing heels is going to make people look for the most part, especially if they are high heeled shoes, its natural they change the way the body moves and reacts to your step. Yes when you shave your legs and you normally have hairy ones, people will probably notice, more so if you go in places where they know you and they see you regularly enough to know you have hairy legs, same with eyebrow shaping.

My thing is, common sense seems to have gone out the window more and more lately and reality isn’t being presented to help those in need of support. For many, this is the one and only form of crossdressing support available for multiple reasons. Why are we making it a joke? Why are we not supporting one another properly? Why lie? I’m sorry, but we are here looking for help and how can anyone achieve that if nobody is truthful. If a member clearly states they just love to wear the clothes and don’t care about the appearance, all the power to them, if just the clothes you wear is what makes you happy, that’s great J. For those that dress with the goal of presenting yourself as a woman in the public eye, we should be open to all comments, good and bad, because the only way we can improve our looks, our styles, our mindset is to be honest and help out one another to achieve what they look for. If you want the appearance of a man in a dress in public and you don’t mind that, stand up and shout it! I mean, if you have the deep down feeling you will never pass and you are satisfied with the man in a dress look, why be so gloomy if someone calls you out?

My main thing with this is, this is a support group for many across the USA and other parts of the world. Its supposed to be a strong bond and connection with many sisters world wide. Why should we lie and not help our sisters and give them false hope only to have them get mocked and made fun of after they ask for opinions, we falsify them, and then they get laughed at or started at or commented at in public? We really need to start banding together and become a whole family.

To quote a favorite movie of mine “Any Given Sunday” there is a phrase in there when they talk about how life and football is a game of inches. You have to fight for that yard, fight for that inch. Life and football go hand in hand with that.

“Either we come together, now, as a team, or we die as individuals”

This to me is a strong quote that works highly for the TG community. I don’t care if you’re a closet CD, open CD, TG, TS, TV, pre op, post op, GG, MTF, FTM etc… whatever you consider yourself to be, on this site, or in life, we need to come together as a group, or else we will die as individuals, and our goals of happiness and success with our dressing will die, and it will fail. I really hope that we can come together and work together on many things with our lives.

I have not made many posts on this site since I became a member because of the lack of honest support I’ve seen. There is support, but I really feel we need to start having honest support with everyone because it will make us stronger. It will help us move forward with dressing. It will help us move forward with life obstacles whether it be relationship problems (family or friends), work problems, shopping problems, all the problems we as human beings face can be helped. We have a strong number of people on this site. Movements can work with numbers. If we can ban together here, I’m sure we can accomplish many goals for the entire GLBT community and also individual goals of each and every single one of you. We as people have the power to do, lets get together and start doing this.

Thank you for your time and remember, this isn’t a direct knock to anyone, more just simply what is on my mind and ways I think we can work together to become a better “family”.

Thank you,

Bruce a.k.a Britney

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

There isn't a simple answer to your query, but the short and brutal version would be that too many people wear their hearts on their collective sleeves. We like to think of ourselves as decent human beings, and to point out ones flaws makes us feel bad. So much of our lives is groomed to NOT say things that are possibly construed as negative to people so that when we get to places like this... its hard to REALLY be honest.

**OH, and usually if I have a constructive comment to direct that might not be taken well, I send it as a private message so as not to potentially embaress someone ;)**

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[MarcieM]

When posting MTF post pictures and they wonder how they look, why is it that no offense, some of the not very passable or good looking ones get told they are so beautiful, they are stunning, and everything else? I’m no beauty queen but in all honesty, I would expect honest views from people
ah yes...that's the million dollar question.
I've asked the same question myself to some folks here.
I think most people in this "community" (and I use that term loosely) would rather appear to be nice than honest.

They'd much rather stick to the "You GO Gurl!" attitude than give a truthful opinion. And probably the majority of people who post pics don't want honesty, that's exactly what they want to hear.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

And probably the majority of people who post pics don't want honesty, that's exactly what they want to hear.

Yes, but if people would simpley put "Honesty appreciated" in their initial post (as some do), that would relieve the burden of guilt on some of us ;)

And yes, I agree that the majority "want" to hear the compliment vs the alternative.
*hugs*

Zarabeth

[Lorileah]

whoa! Do you feel better now?

There are probably as many answers to this as there are people in this forum but the most important reason in my opinion is that you have to be polite. And as we aspire to be more feminine we really probably go to the extreme in many cases. Honestly when you meet a person you don't say "Damn you look like the north end of a horse going south."unless they are very close friends. It never hurts to compliment someone even if they don't meet exactly what you think they should. Subtle meanings on the posts that say "you look mahvelous" may not exactly mean pack your bags hun Hollywood is waiting. The compliment may mean more that the outfit is stunning, or that the person looks like they are the happiest they have ever been. I do not recall any post saying "would I pass?" They just usually want reinforcement for how well they choose an outfit or their taste in something. I know that when I am in a situation where there are things that you can compare to me size wise I would be "made" in a minute but when you look at me is a context where there are no people in the picture, I can "pass".

As to the threads, most do pertain to crossdressing in some manner or another. The post you mention about "farting" was just a small part of that post, almost said in passing but it did add humor. The post was how to respond to a wife who was not comfortable with the person's dressing.

In general, we are here to support one another and negativity is not such great support. Even the hairiest ape in a dress deserves to be told they are beautiful because they FEEL beautiful when dressed. Some members here may welcome constructive criticism but most are just looking for acceptance and friendship.

Other than a certain recent post that was very vitriolic towards the members (and yes it was even if it had a disclaimer) I have enjoyed all the posts I had read. The one's that I might find superfluous I just ignore.

By the way, you look very nice in your avitar

[CrossdressinGoth]

Thank you for the compliment.

What I am trying to get across is, those especially that wonder why when we tell them they looked stunning, they go out, and have a bad experience because they took word from lies as gospel, sure we may have made them feel better online, but how does that help in the real world when we are in direct contact with other people? I'm not saying go off and drop a bomb on someone because they aren't good looking, just merely they should be told honesty and truth and its never wrong to offer tips and guidance, especially in what we all do. We can all learn something from each other here and I think we could help people with outer beauty match the inner beauty. If a hairy ape so to speak wants to wear a dress and they are feeling great, by all means great. But if something isnt done about it and they go out in the public eye, and wonder why they didnt pass, or got read, isnt it better to help said individual with tips and tricks to make a more meaningful, pleasant experience for the next time if they so choose?

[Brina Halloween]

I agree with what you say. On the other hand, everyone is different and brings something different with them. I have tried to only give an honest opinion of a picture when the posting person asks. Hopefully it was always by simply stating what could be improved. My opinion of some threads might involve the thoughts of "silly" or "fetish" but, I don't have to post to them and hopefully I don't look again 2 days later from memory loss. If everyone else thinks the same, it should leave the front pages really fast.

I seem to be seeing multiple "angry" threads (saw the same on another forum a couple years ago). Hopefully this phase will pass and Txkimberly will get to travel for work for a good entertaining story on here. I enjoy well written stories. I enjoy learning about make-up and tricks to pass better. I am sometimes amazed by the pictures I see posted. In some cases, if the person had a sister that looked the same I would honestly be interested in a date with the sister (until about 2 weeks ago....real complicated 7000 mile situation).

I try to post in the correct area (no admin's have sent me anything recently :D).
I try not to judge others. (hopefully I changed one post fast enough last month when I goofed :doh:)
I try to be positive and helpful (though I am not an expert at much in this stuff)
I am definitely spending too much time here since I am not surfing dating sites now (7000 miles :eek: why me?)
I do hope in a few months to get out and meet a few people.

Brina

[Lorileah]

absolutely offer advice...when it is asked for. Not when the post says "here's my new outfit" and they just want to show you what they bought that day or how they accessorized.

Honestly very few of us would not get read no matter how stunning we look. WE all have broad shoulders and narrow hips if we have male hormones. Getting pegged is part of the game. Trick is to go where no one cares.

I get your point though and if I were asked how to improve something I would offer the advice. Until then I just offer what support I can and hope they gain confidence

[docrobbysherry]

if u can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!:eek:

If u notice the NUMBER of complimentary posts, on the pics of guys who REALLY look like guys in dresses, you'll see there AREN'T MANY! I know some of those posters, and they r sweet, good hearted people! And I hope your post won't hurt their feelings! :Angry3:

For years, I REALLY suffered, seeing a homely "man in a dress" in my mirror!:doh:

Now, my fem looks r contrived, but I'm HAPPY WITH THEM! :D
NOT EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN TO THAT POINT YET!:brolleyes:

If u NEED to be the one to throw cold water on some of the members here, be my guest! But, if u had done that to me 10 years ago, I would have quit CDing long before I developed a look I could live with!:sad:

[Karren H]

Well... In my humble opinion.. Everyone deserves praise for even coming out here and posting photos so I'm not going to belittle that.. And second.. I don't consider this as "support"... Its a forum.. A sharing of ideas, thoughts... Opinions... . Good or bad.. Yours ... Mine... If you can eekk some support out of it than good for you.. To me, most of the threads border on entertainment at best..

So if your lookin for sort of structured forum that requires that all posts be honest and serious then good hunting.. This is the best crossdressing forum out there, also in my humble opinion... Ya got what ya got... Don't like it, participation is optional....

[crusadergirl]

Its just hard for me to give advise for others looks when i don't have my look down yet. But you got a point the truth is better then lying to others on how they look.
As for farting while dressed i would read that crap it has nothing to do with crossdressing and its not going to help anybody.
I never post my pics and ask what others think of them so i really don't know what they would say about me.
I would hope for advise more then someone saying i look good. Just like many my look is important but i'm not trying to pass just get the look that i like.

[trannie T]

It is like answering the question, "Does this make my butt look big?" You can give a truthful answer or you can have a peaceful evening. We are brought up to say nice things to even the most hideous among us.

[Sara Jessica]

It is like answering the question, "Does this make my butt look big?" You can give a truthful answer or you can have a peaceful evening. We are brought up to say nice things to even the most hideous among us.

I think the right answer here is "yes, that does make your butt look big!!!" Isn't that something most of us could legitimately wish for???

back to the point...

I offered constructive criticism once and found myself defending my position for days. Now I won't bother unless I know the person. In other words, it isn't likely to show up in this forum.

[TGMarla]

When posting MTF post pictures and they wonder how they look, why is it that no offense, some of the not very passable or good looking ones get told they are so beautiful, they are stunning, and everything else?
Y'know...I'd never in my life ever been told I was pretty, by anyone, until I came here. I liked it. I still do. Maybe there's a part of us that needs that. And to receive, one must also give.

You are beautiful.

[charlie]

Hello Britney!
Taken in small pieces (paragraphs) your post makes lots of sense. As a whole your own post should come down to an answer that you should see as well. The team part of this forum is just that, a group that gives answers, love, hope and a sense that we are not alone (a team) in this antisocial behavior that we do. A team that tells it's players that they are not just individuals fighting our identity battles alone, but with all the sisters here on the forum. As such, all posts are relevant and all replies count.

[Alice Torn]

One thing I, and most of us might like, is a trick full length mirror, that gives the illusion of an hour glass figure! And, one, that would make my huge hands look smaller! But, oh, reality. I often look like a linebacker in a dress, uh, maybe a tight end! I have recieved critical, but sincere comments on some of my pics, and I don't mind, because I may be blind to myself.

[Susan4]

When I crossdress ... I don't just wear the clothes of my female avatar ... I try to crossthink ... to experiment with a new way of thinking. Not so rational, a bit more intuitive ... Is there a kinder, gentler me? I don't know.

What I do know is that ... unsolicited feedback should take the form of a compliment - especially in public. If someone asks for 'the truth' - and beware of those who do, they don't always mean it - it should be given lightly and in private.

Not everyone will agree ... and that's fine with me ... all I can say is that life is too short, and relationships too fragile, to walk the earth swinging a big stick in every direction and fussing over things that don't matter.

Susan

[TSchapes]

to give constructive criticism on the boards, but I'm always afraid of backlash, like "Who the heck does she think she is?" If I do point out a problem, I always try and find something that is working for the person and complement them on that.

I feel if anyone wants to honestly get my opinion of how they look and what they could try differently, they can always PM or email me. A number of gals have done that. I don't have the answers for everyone, but I do try and help.

And I understand your frustration because, even though the way-to-go-girl comment is welcomed, I am frustrated by the lack of feedback about my own pictures.

Love, Tracy :love:

[MsJanessa]

My experience has been that when someone spends hours getting made up and dressed they want to be told how nice they look---even if they don't look so good

[suit]

easy answere :there you go thinking againe!
emotional answere you tried, and that you daired put your self out there. you look good . you moved forward by tring .
rational , you look like a guy in makeup and a wig . both may be true.
desprate frustration is like tempering metal heat and timing is key , other wize you easly make a mess .

[MissConstrued]

When posting MTF post pictures and they wonder how they look, why is it that no offense, some of the not very passable or good looking ones get told they are so beautiful, they are stunning, and everything else?


I suspect it's because so many here are married, and are well trained. :)

Good points to consider.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

It is like answering the question, "Does this make my butt look big?" You can give a truthful answer or you can have a peaceful evening. We are brought up to say nice things to even the most hideous among us. :lol2: :iagree:

[Sally2005]

Sometimes it is better to complement someone on effort vs. results so they don't get discouraged. I think if you do ask for honest feedback you will get it.

The other odd topic stuff is just for entertainment. CDers have such a wide range of experiences it is enjoyable to hear how CDing relates to their lives. I agree, sometimes we don't want to hear about farting, but it is part of life. Just skip the threads you are not interrested in...

Start posting... I want to hear about how CDing fits in to your life.

[Celeste]

Why do some compliment others even though we don't necessarily see it?Because that was their idea of what looking good was at that time.And who are we to judge what someone else's idea of beauty is.This world is wonderful because we are all entitled to our own special vision of it.

[sometimes_miss]

Gee, as a kid I was always taught that if I couldn't say something nice, I wasn't to say anything at all. You can add to that the GG's of the world do the same thing to their peers; rarely will one tell her friend that she looks hideous. Haircuts that look ridiculous are commonly praised, to the point that some women keep that same cut and look absurd their entire life because they truly believe they look good that way because of their friends lies.
I'm also guessing, but suppose that most of us have self esteem issues, and hey, every little bit counts. Of course, no one sees me 'dressed up'; but I dress because I yearn to feel attractive, and never have in real life. I don't know how many others feel the same way, but if a little white lie makes someone else (who's life probably sucks too) feel better, then I'll lie through my teeth to make them feel better. Life is too short to be making people feel bad about themselves, when there's nothing they can do about it. I'd say that probably less than one percent of us could pass as the stunningly beautiful woman that we'd like to present as; the rest of us have to live with the illusion of what we'd like to be, and somehow be happy with that.
The truth? It often makes us unhappy. The chance of finding a woman who accepts my CD'ing and is also attractive to me is virtually nil. Yet, I prefer to delude myself to believe I will meet someone like that tomorrow, rather than face 'the truth'.

[ReineD]

I know not everyone is going to pass, but to me, a support site is to help standup and guide those that are in need of guidance. Lets face facts, not everyone can be stunning beauties when dressing, but this being a support forum, we should all be here to help, and lying is not a way that is helping.

...

I just can’t believe some of the topics I find on the forum, whether it be something like that, or multiple topics about the same nonsense that has absolutely nothing to do with dressing. To go a step further, what about the topics that are asked that are simply answers and should not take time to need a response?

...

Why lie? I’m sorry, but we are here looking for help and how can anyone achieve that if nobody is truthful. If a member clearly states they just love to wear the clothes and don’t care about the appearance, all the power to them, if just the clothes you wear is what makes you happy, that’s great J. For those that dress with the goal of presenting yourself as a woman in the public eye, we should be open to all comments, good and bad, because the only way we can improve our looks, our styles, our mindset is to be honest and help out one another to achieve what they look for.

...

I have not made many posts on this site since I became a member because of the lack of honest support I’ve seen. There is support, but I really feel we need to start having honest support with everyone because it will make us stronger. It will help us move forward with dressing.

Britney, not everyone is here for the same reasons, nor do they have the same goals as you do. From all the threads I've read since I've been here, I've noticed that some of the CDers have no intentions of going out. They are happy dressing in private, and this site is a cyber home away from home, a place where they express their femininity and act out their desires in their fantasy. It is their outlet and they are here for fun. Others prefer a more glam or sexy look reserved for GLBT clubs or CD support groups and they have no intention of going out in the mainstream. They do not wish to chance outing themselves. And there are people like you, who come to improve skills in order to pass in public. Still others live en femme a great deal of time and they are past needing advice on improving their looks. Also there are others who seldom dress, but come here for friendship.

It is a very wide spectrum.

I think Lorileah said it best, to offer advice "when it is asked for". If you would prefer constructive criticism, you could always post something to that effect making it clear you are here to improve your overall look and you would appreciate candid opinions. It might be tiresome to post this each time you upload a photo, but you will likely receive more considered advice.

I, for one, would be happy to give my opinion as a GG if I knew the goal was to learn to pass as a woman in public. I would do my best to be honest yet offer my advice in a constructive manner without putting down any efforts that had been made.
:hugs:

[loren]

What is beautiful to you, may not be beautiful to another,and i dont think cd'ers have to be passable to look good,or great,or beautiful in certain ways,just like any other human being for that matter.But even so, i was taught to always look for the good and positive first,so surely we should all share the positive,unless asked otherwise:hugs:

[Jess_cd32]

if u can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!:eek:................

Thats advice I also try to live by, but if someone asks for constructive critisizm it should be done with a thought out reply not to offend or embarrass here.

When I saw a reply once of "shave those legs girl" to a "how do I look" question I had to laugh and thought it was no big deal.
If you post a pic in a mini, shave those legs!:heehee:

When I compliment, which are about 1/4-1/3 of my posts, I just try to be honest and look for the best in their look their trying to achieve.

[Tamara Croft]

One topic of discussion, and not to knock the one who started it, but seriously, since when does “farting while dressed” have anything to do with support? LOL... I'll hold my hand up to that, because I'm sure I posted it... it was done in jest at the time, in a response I think to the constant 'peeing whilst dressed' threads at the time... which have now been banned. It was a thread to make a point... and yes, it has nothing to do with cd'ing, but neither does peeing either... we all do that, but we do not want to hear about it.

To comment on your honesty about pictures, although I agree with what you said, many members post pictures, not to be told how to improve unless they ask, or how silly they look, but to get a confidence boost. If you feel they need some improvement, or you want to help them, rather than do it on the forum, for everyone to read and possibly embarrass them, you can drop them a nice PM instead. However, on that point of pictures, you know what bugs me the most, is how many people post in the glamorous picture threads and ignore those who really do need the support :sad:

[Nadia-Maria]

I’m no beauty queen but in all honesty, I would expect honest views from people, after all, this is a support site, its meant to help others, not baby right? If something is wrong with my looks, I would love to be told so I can improve on the quality of my feminine life.
Others may not want that, and I can understand that too, but in all honesty, if you post a picture of yourself for comments, to me it should be fair game to post a blunt, honest answer.

I wholly understand your point. And I think so. Because I value very much honesty and seek for truth, even sometimes at the expense of more harmonious relationships. :devil:

However, I disagree somewhat with you, because I often found here rather honest comments, just what I wanted to get. :battingeyelashes:

Several months ago, I posted several of my best-to-date pictures in the gallery section, together with polls to allow members to rate my looks. The resulting average ratings (as a rule 2 or 3 out of 5) have been a little lower than my expectations, although being aware being no beauty queen. :battingeyelashes:

Still more important for me, I got constructive critics from some of the members, and I wish to express them my gratitude again, because they have helped me to improve my feminity ever since. :hugs:

Of course, as for ratings, I got a few 5 out 5, but I overlooked such nice ratings as unproper support at best, and pure flattery at worst.

"Only your best friends can tell you the truth".
So that you won't expect everybody to make you this wonderful gift of telling you what they really mean. :love:

[Kate Simmons]

If I really want to give someone constructive advice or if they have asked for it, I will PM them. If you notice however, I no longer encourage crossdressing openly as I know there is much more than clothing behind the motivation. I do encourage others to be themselves though and to be true to those selves, regardless of appearance.:)

[Di]

to give constructive criticism on the boards, but I'm always afraid of backlash, like "Who the heck does she think she is?" If I do point out a problem, I always try and find something that is working for the person and complement them on that :love:

I do the same and I never say you oh you will pass you should go out blah blah blah ( I have seen some say just that) and the beard is coming through or the arms and legs are hairy and not covered or whatever the reason and and I think oh please if they go out like this it could be a horrible experience and or dangerous and have sent pm's ( instead of saying it on the open board unless they ask for constructive criticism ) to people saying hope you don't mind but noticed something and just want to help...and most times I do not even hear back from them and think...I insulted or hurt them when really I just am brutally honest and I am because I care.

Another thing about pic comments
A pet peeve of mine is the kinda sexual comments...I sometimes see.because women just do not talk like that to each other.
I guess I get why some do that... but...just a pet peeve of mine
so whatever....

[CrossdressinGoth]

Well its nice to see everyones views and opinions.

As I have stated in a response before, I'm not saying good praise shouldn't be given out. The mere fact that anyone tries and is willing to post is reason enough for a compliment, because they are showing a side they may not be able to show anyone else. I was merely stating for those that do ask for the advice, opinions, etc. If someone were to post a picture, and did not ask, I would not expect anyone to throw such comments their way. Simply, its for when its asked and then later its like, wtf, you all said I was beautiful and glowing, why did my time out go so bad? Its that kind of time I was meaning.

I have huge respect for each and every single one of you for doing what you do. Its a beautiful site to see all of you come out and show us what truly makes you happy, thats a strong beauty in itself.

I hope everyone understands that I'm not trying to bash anyone, like I said, merely for the ones that ask about things for public times and then they come back with the wtf attitude or act surprised if they have problems being able to "fit in" with the public eye. Regardless of how one looks, if you're truly happy wearing and looking the way you do if and when you go out, you're a winner regardless of public opinion, because being straight off yourself is what its truly all about.

I strongly admire all of your views, points, and comments. I am taking all of this in and as a result, trying to grow to be a better person because of it. If it was not for all of you on here, I wouldn't be where I am today with anything with my dressing. You girls are a doorway to self happiness and Im honored to be apart of this forum with each and everyone of you :)

:hugs::love:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You are correct in your post --- there are too many sisters who are too polite rather than being objective

CDing is such a traumatic experience to so many of us that criticism can be devastating - not all GGs are attractive and not all CDers are attractive enough to pass - thats life - I suppose we should be a lot more objective in our comments, but I would go on to say that constructive criticism should be given and accepted for what it is worth

I would much rather have you sisters, whom I trust, to tell me what I am doing wrong, or what I could do to improve my looks. Honesty is the best policy.

I belong to an accountability group that meets once a week (it has nothing to do with crossdressing) and we ask each other to hold us accountable for the actions that we do each week and to tell the truth and provide constructive criticism.

I really think that would be better that to tell everyone how cute and beautiful they look. You learn more from honest criticisim that you do from praise.

And that is just my HONEST opinion,

JoAnne Wheeler

[cindym5_04]

After reading the thread, I thought I'd chime in on this topic too... just because I'm a b*tc....ummm I mean I'm opinionated.

For me, no matter what forum I go to for any of my varied interests, I also stick to the "if you can't say something nice" thought process. I generally won't post a photo comment if (a) the photo has no interest to me or (b) if I don't find the photo/person/etc. to be pleasing to my eye. On other occasions where I see someone is "almost there", I may offer something like "I think you look really nice, however, if you maybe change the wig style to a shorter look that frames your jawline more" or "nice photos, but you'd have a more natural look if you lighten up on the blush just a touch"... it's constructive criticism, which I'm always open to receiving myself.

As for other topics, I was unaware that anyone peed or farted while they were wearing panties. I thought we were just supposed to hold it at all times! :doh: :heehee:

Seriously, though, for saying that the common sense is lacking (and there are times that all of us don't have the best sense) can be misconstrued for what your intent may be. You find this to be a support group, where others look for this to be treated as a forum, or sometimes just a place to vent or just to share happiness. Just because you deem that it's not a topic that contributes to being supportive is a touch rediculous. Each person is here for their own reason. My suggestion would be that if you see a topic that doesn't interest you, don't read it- that would be common sense.

As a final note, keep in mind that some people go through tough times or some depressive states and that sometimes it's just nice to hear someone say something nice about you.

[Valerie]

As others, I find politeness and celebration (for what I admire) a better way to get to the living truth of the other person. As for strategies to get precise criticism, the one suggested of presenting several photographs for comparison works. One can as well, as some do, simply ask for suggestions for improvement. In general, though, I think we just learn from seeing each other and take notes about how we can improve. But, that said, our society is too bent on improvement and perfection. As the Beatles said, profoundly, "let it be" can be a life-enhancing approach.

Valerie

[Stephanie Michelle]

My understanding as part of this forum it to communicate and share with others of similar interests. What ever the label you want to use, we are here because we want to be.

I have read a lot of the threads before i joined. I was very interested in this site because of the diversity of people their lives and opinions. We are all different but yet we have common goals that bring us here.

When I read some of the threads I wonder what the heck were they thinking. But who am I to say that this is wrong for them. I might write something that is very important to me but might not mean anything to some or all of you. We are here to support each other not to say whether our feelings are right or wrong.

I don't usually answer a lot of threads just because I don't think one more answer that is similar to the rest will make a difference. I answer threads when I feel I can contribute some information to help others.

There is always going to be misunderstandings, cultural difference, and just disagreements of opinions. There is no "one size fits all" answer. So if it don't work for you that doesn't mean it won't work for everyone.

Stephanie Michelle

[Carly D.]

In the picture section I posted some pictures a few months (a year possibly) back and awaited the responses and wasn't surprised with the reaction of "you know if you would look happier (smile), you would look better.." and the truth is I avoid being in front of the camera (video or anything for that matter).. I'm the one taking the pictures or video at all the events.. and I prefer it that way.. so when it comes time to take my own picture for Carly's sake I have troubles.. that's why my avitar shows me looking down and why pretty much every picture of me in fem mode is with me looking away from the camera.. I'm shy about my picture being taken mostly because weather in male mode or female mode I concider myself to be rather an ugly person.. not feeling sorry for myself.. but here when I look at other "girls" pictures some are really good.. and in the before and after section that is by far the most fantastic transformations for a good lot of those that show what they can do..

[Babette]

I have seen a number of related threads created over the past year or so and each one has caused me a bit of mental anguish. Let's for a moment disregard whom we are talking about whether they be CD, GG, GM, TS, or whatever. Instead let's apply the same question of brute honesty to people as a whole. Also, let's go beyond the parameters of beautiful or not, and consider all things we sometimes judge our fellow humans by such as intelligence, personality, artistic expression, athletic ability, etc.

I contend that people are born with varying degrees of desirable attributes. In short, some are naturally more fortunate than others. Worse, some attributes are adversely affected by environmental causes such as accidents, disease, or malnurturing.

Let's suppose someone writes a post about finally having the nerve join a forum and talk about themselves. Let's also consider this person had trouble expressing their thoughts in clear manner. Are we doing them a favor by "honestly" saying they appear dim-witted or stupid? I pray nobody would be this cruel. Instead, I hope someone would recognize this person's achievement as a sign of progress, and then offer help or encouragement. This person may never be a brilliant intellect but through our positive expression, we could help bring them one step higher from where they came.

Self esteem is the most fragile element of our personality. Let's consider this before making someone feel worse about them self.

Babette

[Alice Torn]

Very good posts. I can't add much. We must consider the fragility of us all, when giving advice, at the same time, we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves, not take ourselves too blasted seriously ala The Three Stooges, Lucille Ball, Flip Wilson, etc. Carly, your post reminds me of the Janis Ian song, "At Seventeen." Some of us have self image rejection, in guy, or lady mode. Acceptance will come, and good days, and tough days. Its good for us to keep trying to improve, but beauty is still mostly an inside thing. Thanks for sharing.

[Princess Chantal]

I've always wondered if people on this forum have been using the "passable" comment as some sort of a compliment to encourage a person to venture out of the house. In my opinion, seeing crossdressers and tg out of the house is a positive however having the mindset that they could "pass" based solely on pictures on the internet could lead to a major negative set back.

btw great discussion post

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Y'know...I'd never in my life ever been told I was pretty, by anyone, until I came here. I liked it. I still do. Maybe there's a part of us that needs that. And to receive, one must also give.

You are beautiful.


However, on that point of pictures, you know what bugs me the most, is how many people post in the glamorous picture threads and ignore those who really do need the support :sad:



Self esteem is the most fragile element of our personality. Let's consider this before making someone feel worse about them self.

Babette

I've given advice and made comments in the past, but rarely. I personally try to make the plus sized and older gals feel pretty too, everyone comments on the young, slender and pretty ones but some others who openly say how ugly they feel sometimes get overlooked. I also tend to comment on those who have style, panache and who have cool shoes. :-)

I don't want anyone to feel worse because of a picture comment I might make.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Tashee]

I will Never knock what anyone looks like.
And this is a Forum as I think Karen said but that said any whom feel moved to friendship and to aid those of this community in need by all means should.


Having the numbers thru work of what our divorce, marriage , murder, suicide breakdown is. This is a group of souls that needs people, friends, ones whom understand not just wanna get down ya skirt.

But I do not know what happens behind the scenes. In my time here I get 3-1 hey you wanna hook up sometime---Oh ya great thanks----But some may love that attention who am I to say.

Yes us as a group should have a heart. Hurting others feelings or ignoring their posts is not a good start.

I laid low because of my job. I will probably lay low still. Ya know I lost my point not surprising. Be Nice. Lets prove to the world we love and help our own. No Preaching. sorry.