Is it time to stop HRT

[kristyk]

I looked for someone to talk to about I am financially strapped and going back to my Psych or therapist is not going to work (layoffs in my family) I thought I should talk to my wife but I can never tell if she is saying something she thinks I want to hear or is it sound advice. My wife is my best friend we are very closes she has been very supportive of me over the last 5 years in my journey.

I have now come to an inpass I am not out I feel at 46 I probably will never be out I have been battling this for so long I am so tired of the lies and bringing Kristy out and then company comes over and putting her away then bringing Kristy out then going to bed. I know what I wanted when I was 7 but things get so complicated.

If I was to have professional help off the pills and after I was off I found that was the wrong thing to do what are the chances my endo will give this opportunity again.

I am not sure I want to go back to being Mark and maybe when I go back I can bet just a better person and take what I learned from who I know I really am.
You Know I am just simply tired of the lies and I can not come out it is just not going to happen I for one am very scared about that it really scares me to no end.

I just thought I could get some opinions on this thats all

[GypsyKaren]

Never say never, and never stay down. You may surprise yourself at what you're capable of doing, and no one knows what tomorrow may bring.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Melissa A.]

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a bind, Kristy. I am assuming you have no health insurance to pay for meds or therapy. It's a shame you need to make choices like that. However, I'll throw in a couple of things here, they may cheer you up, they may motivate you, or they may just make you pissed off at me. Firstly, you're not old. I'm 49, and just started HRT almost 4 months ago. I know plenty who have started later. You also seem to have a somewhat supportive spouse, another possible plus. I didnt see you mention kids. If you have none, like me, count your blessings. I know children themselves are a blessing and a joy, but those of us who are trans and have not had them have avoided a very real complication, one that holds back alot of us. It's a hard situation, and I could never tell anyone with kids that I know what they should do. Again, this is an assumption, since you didnt count it among your challenges.

I know it sucks being poor, no matter who you are, We've all been there. For every one of us who is struggling, there is certainly someone else who is worse off. I know trans people who have been destitute, sick, and homeless, and persevered. If you have to choose between meds and therapy, I would say therapy is more important, especially if you have alot of pressure and stress going on. (but believe me, I understand the pull, and the need for the hormones, as well) I dont know your income or housing situation, or what state you are in. If your income has been cut off, could you possibley qualify for any kind of health insurance aid in your state, to help pay for therapy or HRT? If you are still working, but have seen a drop in income, are there other places you can cut back?

I do feel for you. Transition ain't easy under the best of circumstances. But stopping HRT for a while, while very stressful and frustrating, isnt the end of the world. And I doubt any Endocrinologist would decide you're no longer worthy to go back on them sometime soon, under such conditions. I've found myself in what I've thought were impossible situations, both financial and emotional, at times. So I understand. I also understand that there's no direction to go in but forward. There may be solutions, and you might surprise yourself. You will certainly find yourself stronger because of it. I know you're tired now, but what's the alternative? forget about it? I doubt you will. I wish I could offer a foolproof solution, but all I can really say is I wish you all the strength and luck you can find, and encourage you to keep your chin up. Many people have had it worse and come out fine, and you can, as well. I'm sorry if it sounds too much like a pep talk. I hope you find solutions, and peace.

hugs,

Melissa:)

[kristyk]

Melissa and Karen thanks for your words of hope

We did not have kids which was a blessing as you said Melissa

However the more my body goes through the changes the more I see myself as a line backer in a dress as much as I try I just doen't seem to be able to win the battle. Silly thing this past holloween a friend of mine dressed up as a girl for a party and wow did he look good all I could think was here I am trying my darbest to be pretty and Jeff puts on his wifes cloths and looked like he was a natural.

I did not tell anyone but I cried hard over that it to me it was a slap in the face Jeff is not a CD/TS/or TG.

I am not always this intense but I don't know were else to turn for help I promise my next post will be helpful to someone else or just a fun topic promise

:hugs:
Kristy

[kristyk]

Scottie thanks for your take and guidance on my issue, and I have to say I like you have lived that same way in the middle. My impass is can I continue to be like this I find the need I have to be TS and to keep it all a secret madening now. I seem to be at across road I find myself more and more saying either you committ to this life style or just stio the shearade. I know it is not a sherade but Scottie I am finding after 26 years living on my own and dressing in secret or with my wife at home it is not enough.

I love my wife way to much to do anything hurt my marriage but I am dying inside. If I stop my HRT all togther I will still have many features that I have now in my bust that is for sure but the drugs to me are addicting I want them more and more probably because I want to be female. That being said I am very glad to hear from who responded it will take me some time to figure out what I am going to do but you come to a point in your life that it is just not enough anymore to dress when I can and keep it all a secret. I think it might be better to stop and finish out my next 45 years as a angry old man

Thanks Again
Kristy

[noeleena]

hi... well i am 61 . i came out 11 years ago . h r t over 4 years ago s r s may 07 . yes our kids are grown up at 30. 33 .34 . & we have 5 grand kids. with one on the way in march . jos & i still live to gether as two women after being to gether over 35 years .i know there is more info i can say . this will do for now . my point is dont ever give up i . we have been through hell . so we do know what its like . big time the mental stress & all . i am just me a women just took 50 years to come out . 50 years as a male . so far 11 as a women . i dont have time on my side may be 20 more years hey its neat & ITS THE REAL ME . if you like . the other women ... i did not have a choise . i was driven . my 4 words are .......dont ever give up.....no mater how hard ...youll regreat it. i relate to what has been said here . so if i can do it you & others can ...& i am not the only one who has had a hard time going through this just to be my self .....i hope this helps .....
...noeleena...

[kristyk]

Noeleena thanks for the words of encouragement I do go through these thoughts of :JUST WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE KIND OF THINK" I usually need advice or support I can not thank te people that responded enough I am good until the next time it hits me this hard.

I am just in the middle of no where it seems going no where with no idea of when I might start moving forward again it just gets really bizzar for me. I fI knew I was at point B going to point C I would be ok but staying put makes my mind wonder
Why continue to take all the pills and Rx to just stay in one spot.

I am good Neoneena and thanks for putting me back where I belong I needed that

Kristy
XXX
OOO

[Sejd]

Dear Kristyk
for some people it helps to be what is called "Gender fluid". specially if the situation is such that transitioning seems more of a curse than a blessing. By Gender fluid, I mean that you don't see yourself as either your female person or as you old male, but that you give yourself the freedom to play with your femininity in public in a new way. It is more and more accepted that men wear ear rings for example. also, colorfull pants or tops, maybe a hint of lip stick. why not try and incorporate your femaleness into your everyday life without the "Grand Opening" thing? I have the blessing of being out 90 percent of my time and no longer feel such division in life styles, but there are days when I dress in a way that is very blurred, because I don't feel like doing anything about my looks. Even on those days I frequently get "Ladied" in the stores.
Hope this is of any help to you.
Sejd

[kristyk]

Thanks SEJD that is a great idea and you are correct I am quite gender fluid but the thought of a hint of lip stick or buying more colorful tops maybe even get my ears pierced I use clip ons now..

I am glad I started this thread I have so many otherw ays of looking at my situation now

KristyK
:hugs:

[Sejd]

If you follow the link to my utube web blog, you will find movie on top of my favorites. It's a funny Danish movie with a great band. They sing a song in Danish about how bad it is to smoke cigarettes, and do it with a lot of humor. The guy sitting on the right side of the solo singer is what I would call gender fluid. That's what I am talking about. Check it out and see what you think.
Sejd

[kristyk]

Sejd love yor blog music is good as well
Thanks for coorosponding with me so much I appreciate the thoughts
Kristyk

[melissaK]

. . . I have to be TS and to keep it all a secret is madening now. . . . after 26 years living on my own and dressing in secret or with my wife at home it is not enough. . . . I love my wife way to much to do anything hurt my marriage but I am dying inside. . . . the [HRT] drugs to me are addicting I want them more and more . . . because I want to be female. . . . it is just not enough anymore to dress when I can and keep it all a secret. . . . . I think it might be better to stop and finish out my next 45 years as a angry old man

Hi Kristy. I edited down one of your posts . . . condensed it to illustrate the empassioned feelings you hold. Fear of taking the next step, announcing to the world that you are TS, holds many of us back. And the fears come from many sources. Perhaps you could make yourself a list of the ones you hold.

From another post of yours I gather one item would be a fear of not passing. Certainly holds many of us back, myself included. Years of testosterone on a body leaves its mark. The tools for passing are dieting, electrolosis, cosmetics counters, feminization surgeries on faces, HRT, and then genital surgery. You mentioned the HRT, have you done the electrolosis yet? Have you been going out in public en femme? It takes practice to get a decent look, and build up the realization that there are a lot of GG's who don't pass Hollywood beauty tests either, and the world accepts them too.

I am not out, but I follow some of Sedj's advice. Blurring my image some. All my jeans are womens. More of my t's are too. No one notices enough to comment - but I notice, and it helps.

hugs,
'lissa

[kristyk]

melissaK your rendition of my post was exactly what I was trying to say and I don't think there is a quick answer for me. Everything I do from the time I get up to the time I go to bed is meet with "I want to be KristyK doing this action can I let her out and if so how far can I take it without letting the cat out of the bag.
It is great to get support I need as much support as I can get
My wife and I are so much alike we have great intimate momments. I would say if I was a girl I would of been just like my wife. I dont want to no what it would be like without her and I believe I would tear her apart if I went my own way.

So I am now an angry man inside that tries his best to surpress it as mucha s possible.

KristyK