Is it just me? please read with caution [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

curse within

01-14-2009, 10:33 PM

StephanieT

01-14-2009, 11:00 PM

You are just another variation of those who belong here. Welcome to the varying world of crossdressers. Just enjoy who you are.:hugs:

sissystephanie

01-14-2009, 11:14 PM

Dear Curse Within,

Your thread certainly was not directed at me, as I love being a MTF CD. But I think it deserves an answer anyway.

I have read your posts on other threads, and there seems to be an ongoing flow of negativity in your thoughts. What is going on in your life that brings on such a tremendous amount of negative thinking? Not my business, I know, I just want you to think about your attitude. If you dislike dressing so much, why do you do it? Being a CD is not something you were born with! We dress because we like to! At least most of do. Some, a few, do it for sexual reasons or because they really want to become a woman. But IMHO the greater number of us do it simply because we like to. And don't tell you cannot stop. Yes you can, if you really want to! I did stop cold turkey some years ago. Purged everything and did not dress for several years. So why am I dressing now, you ask? Because my wife missed Stephanie, that's why! She literally begged me to start dressing again, even to the point of spending her own money to buy me new clothes.

Many CD's stay in the closet, for any number of reasons. And many do not adopt feminine names or make themselves look like females. But they are still happy with what the things they do! Since my wife passed away I never wear my wig, and rarely use makeup. But I still dress and go out in public! I just don't care how others see me, except for my two grown children.

So what is your reason for being so negative? Whatever it is, I still like and respect you as a person!! I just feel sorry for you!

Kimberly Marie Kelly

01-14-2009, 11:21 PM

By that I mean that most CD'ers begin where your at, dressing up but feeling guilty, being ashamed, doing it for sexual thrills but in time that changes to being or wanting to be a woman. Most of the time Cd'ers are in a sort of denial about being TS and it takes years, sometimes decades before their thoughts and feelings are sorted out.

In my case I was a crossdresser for well over 40 years and was ashamed of myself, but couldn't stop. The last several years I've come to understand that I'm TS and would prefer to be a woman. So my thoughts have shifted now to how far I want to transition, just wearing the clothes and presenting as a woman or going further by doing Hormone therapy or SRS. That's where I'm at right now..:battingeyelashes:

Karren H

01-14-2009, 11:28 PM

Yeah... I'd say it's just you.... but I've had those felings many eons ago but once I accepted that doing what I was driven to do was not bad or wrong and wan't going away ever, I accepted it and moved on without questioning why!! And life got better and crossdressing became fun!!!

BekiJ

01-14-2009, 11:29 PM

The reason I think it seems to you that there is no support out there for closet CDs is because those not in the closet are “out there” in more ways than a dress. I suspect that they are extroverts, and are more likely to participate in a forum like this.

Those of us in the closet are either introverts ( I plead guilty) or very fearful of the results of not being in the closet, or both(yup, guilty again). We tend not to be very expressive.

I have read several threads, and thought I would respond. But I did not. Enough had already been said, and anything I had to add would have been repetitive. Others in the “out there” category would have posted, and not given it a second thought.

As for not having anything in common with “most in this MTF forum,” ya wear women’s clothes, don't ya?

Read the forums. If it fits, accept it. If it does not fit, reject it. Clothes or ideas.

Hugs
BekiJ

curse within

01-14-2009, 11:39 PM

Sissy,

Really...No need to feel sorry for me we all sometimes die of our own swords..For replying ,you do deserve an answer, I'll give it my best shot even though I sometimes I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

As early as I can remember these natural feelings, to desire to wear female clothing , have been with me... Being young and not Knowing the way of soceity acceptance I would wonder into my younger sisters room and start wearing here clothing without caring who seen me..After a few times and being treated the way I was by my mother and stepfather could have lead to the start of my rejections towards Crossdressing, it wasn't pretty.

Then as I hit my teenage years I hid my dressing which wasn't often and were very short bouts because of how risky is was to have been caught. After that I met my wife and told her about my urges to dress a little more than a year into our relationship, she particapated a few times then made it clear to me that she did not want any part of it, she made the boundries clear, so came another 20 years of rejection and being deeper into the closet.. She knew I still did it ,not often , not like most in here and not that in depth.. But it was smeared in my face, been called the root of our marriage problems and the end of our marriage even tho I never dressed in front of her after she laid the boundries down.

So I was raised to reject it, soceity doesn't accept it..It was called the reason for ending my marriage.. Why do I do it if I hate it so much?? I wish I could answer, why do any of us do it? If I knew why, I sure wouldn't be in here talking about it...

Thanks for you concern I hope I answered you.

C.W.

Jo-Michelle

01-14-2009, 11:42 PM

I think there are many forms of crossdressing. This forum seems to welcome all of them. My opinion if you like to wear any type of womens apperal, in or out of the closet, and for what ever reason, you are a crossdresser.
I'm a crossdreser, I love it and if your one then we have something in common. I don't care whos in or out of the closet, who goes out in public full dress, or who just occasionally wears panties for sexual gratification. We share a common interest and at times would like to talk with others about this common interest. I see that as what this forum is about.

Jacqui

01-14-2009, 11:43 PM

Hey, curse, you are definately not alone.

I suspect, as you indicated, that most closeteers are not active participants. The term "lurker" sounds like it has a negative connotation, so I will not use it, even though I just did, but I can easily understand the reluctance of people in the closet to open the door just to peek. It is our nature to be totally paranoid about anybody finding out about us...otherwise we wouldn't be in the closet to begin with.

I, myself, made a decision to come out of the closet communicatively in this forum. Whatever internal pressures, guilt, etc that is bottled up inside become less intense when letting out steam. It is a bit therapeutic for me.

One way in which I think I've been helped is in losing the negative attitude that you refer to concerning cd'ing. But I can understand that through the pressures of society, this may not be an honorable past-time. I am willing to let people have their own opinions about this without proselytizing.

There are as many levels of cd'ing as there are cd's. As you describe yourself, it appears that you like to wear female attire of some kind for some purposes that are important to you. IMHO, that is the classic definition of CDing.

The ones in this forum who you think you have nothing in common with because they do want to be addressed by their female name, they do wear bras, forms, makeup, and shave themselves, and they do want to be or act female...these people may consider themselves CD'ers like yourself, but they are on another level which borders on or includes TG/TS'ism.
Whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, once the makeup goes on, it has little to do with how the clothes feel.

The big issue is really "In" or "Out." Those who are Out or trying to get Out need a different kind of support than those who are In, trying to stay In, or maybe thinking of coming Out. There shouldn't be a conflict between the Ins and the Outs, but often there is. There shouldn't be characterizations of those in the closet based on their personal relationships and opinions by others who have chosen to put it all on the line.

Curse, you have my support for whatever it is you want (as long as it's legal and it doesn't hurt anyone), and I hope that there are a multitude of passive readers that are nodding their heads in agreement.

However, by their very nature, we will never know.

Jacqui

curse within

01-15-2009, 12:00 AM

Kelly DeWinter

01-15-2009, 12:14 AM

Curse;

You asked, so hear is my :2c:. Yes you seem very negative, most , NOT all of the time. You seem to have a very low self esteem level. I understand this because I've been there. I would highly reccomend some reading material.

My Husband Betty
The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns
Depression for Dummies by Laura L.Smith
Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life by Steven Hays
Living Beauty by Bobbie Brown
Glamour's Big book of Do's and Dont's by Glamour Magazine
Peanuts by Charles Shultz

and if (don't be offended, because I don't know) you are addicted to something like internet porn, then a 12 step book like.

Every Mans Battle

I would be glad to talk to you about any of these books.

Kelly

P.S. I am CONVINCED rerun became a crossdresser in Peanuts.
I think that is you read these 25 times it will change your outlook on life.

Kelly

curse within

01-15-2009, 12:30 AM

Thanks Kelly and no I have no desires torwards porn at all...Odd huh never really found it entertaining to look at inked images to get my gote and seeing other doing it while I am not only makes me jealous ..I do get depressed because I dress only , no it's not daily or even weekly but it happens .. The part is after dressing it just doesn't feel right and I have felt that way for years. My level of dressing or desires have not change and are not growing after 37 years of dressing maybe longer I think I have peaked... I have no desires into furthering it..

I just posted this thread not to whine,not for anyone to feel sorry for me but to see if others who may visit here and never speak up, feel the same as I? That all please this isn't meant to judge or offend anyone and I hope it isn't taken that way.. If anything maybe more of the memebers can understand me better.

C.W.

MissConstrued

01-15-2009, 12:43 AM

The way I see it, if you're going to keep doing something you feel guilty about, you should do one of two things:

1 -- Stop doing whatever it is, or

2 -- Stop feeling guilty about it.

Otherwise, you're just driving yourself barking mad.

Personally, I've opted for #2. I know it sounds trite, as if we could suddenly switch off that guilt thing. It's not easy. Some things take a long time. I could spout off a lot of mindless psychobabble, but I hate psychobabble. You'll find a way.

curse within

01-15-2009, 12:57 AM

Your right Miss....If only I can find that on off switch...I guess I must have combined acceptance when I lost denial...I have no choice but to accept crossdressing and never denied the fact I do it ,I know your not saying that don't get me wrong I am not quoteing you at all.. I am just trying to explain sometimes when you accept something that you have little control over because I know only I put those clothes on, nobody forces me to do it. But I know the price I pay if I don't in time ,we have all been there, that doesn't turn off the individuales quilt..

Are most of us accepting crossdressing or learning to live with it?? Million dollar question in which I am sure would be a divided answer...It has no place in my life, but it sure seems to find a way in..

Thanks Miss for the post..

C.W.

Tracii G

01-15-2009, 01:09 AM

CW you seem to put blame for your stuation on your upbringing.Lord knows I came from a big homophobic family.Boys didn't dress in womens clothes ever.
Maybe its time to cut the ties and leave that negativity behind you.
Let the real you out (at your own speed)and see if that helps.
Negative thoughts bring on negative energy and that affects everything and everyone around you.Once you learn to harness the positive energy things get much better.
I don't say this lightly I lived in a very violent world for a long time pissed at the world for causing me so much pain and hardship.
I was deep in the gang life, drugs, beating the dog snot out of people for no reason.In the Army it was my job to kill everything in my path and feel no remorse. So yes I have come a long way out of a very dark hole of a life.
It took a while to grasp the concept that I and I alone had the power to change every thing around me and rid myself of the negative energy surrounding me .All done with positive energy and the help of a very wise very old American Indian friend to which I am eternally grateful.Thank you Bright Moon my friend.
Remember only you have the power to change your world.
Emk I'm done here typing is hard work!

Tracii G

01-15-2009, 01:25 AM

FWIW being a two tiered person is in some parts of the world is considered to be a very special thing.
Accept who you are and improve from the inside.

curse within

01-15-2009, 01:27 AM

Thanks Traci , A very thoughtful reply. I have on several times thought that was the reason for my rejection to( the familiy) fully accepting, but it's not ..Until a few months ago I really didn't know why I rejected it, then it hit me as I was reading some post in here..I just couldn't relate to a lot of them , how girly some post are. I'm looking at the whole MTF section, it has everything and anything positive to promoteing crossdressing but nothing negetive for those who choose not to have the so called gift but are stuck with it..

So as I said I like rejecting it I want to be 100 percent male..Hell I try to reduce my chest ( man boobs) by working out . If I could take a pill to keep that bit*h away I would then and only then it would be a choice .But as of today I have not found one so rejection is my only option..

Satrana

01-15-2009, 01:35 AM

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

Which is why this site is exactly what you need. Anyone who feels guilt over a harmless behavior needs to overcome this internalized feeling by spending time with those who have already tred that path. Stay here and mingle for 1-2 years and slowly your thoughts will be re-orientated to a more accepting position which will then provide you with the confidence and motivation needed to complete the journey yourself.

Everyone changes over time. You can help shape your own changes by choosing the right companionship. Unless of course you enjoy being miserable!

BTW the fact that you are a member here actually says a lot about you. You are searching for understanding, acceptance and friendship. You are just not ready to admit that to yourself. If you really were the person you listed in your 6 points then you would never have joined this site. Think about it.

Emily01

01-15-2009, 01:53 AM

Tracii G

01-15-2009, 01:55 AM

I see now CW you feel the CD thing as something you wish had not been given.Maybe it was given to you for a reason whos to say.
I understand about the urge to dress and trying to supress that urge.
Maybe a gender therapist could help you find the root cause of your dysphoira
and help you to stop.Worth a try.
I have a clear path in life and it feels pretty good.
I do hope you can sort it all out good luck with it.
Pogo what a great comic strip.

Olivia2

01-15-2009, 04:17 AM

You are definitely not alone. For the most part I feel the same way you do but try not to take such a negative tone-for example, calling it the "Curse within". Although I often wish I never had the urge to dress to begin with, I do believe it has made me much more open minded and empathetic to other people's struggles.

I too have looked at the urge at times as an addiction and have attended sex addicts anonymous meetings where I found acceptance, even though most attendees' sexual addictions are different. It might be a problem if it interferes in your daily life, or is more important than the relationships (or marriage) in your life. Only you can make that determination.

I've also shared about myself at some men's groups. You can find them in your area by looking on the web for men's support groups. One of many organizations worth looking into is the Mankind Project with chapters in most cities.

I would love to have a face to face support group where those of us who cross dress could just share about our feelings-the goal would not be to learn how to dress more passably. There are plenty of groups out there for that already. Attendees would be encouraged but not required to come "in drab" and those who wish to quit or reduce their frequency would be supported as well as those who are happy in their current circumstances. I think there is a real shortage of places where men can just be open and supportive of one another without shame.

I'm happy to share more about this anytime. Although this is my first post, I very much appreciate the support of this group.

"Curse" you might want to check out this blog, which has been posted on this group in another thread a few months ago: http://ybatv.blogspot.com/

Hang in there.

Joanne f

01-15-2009, 05:12 AM

Everyone deserves support and i think it would be a sad thing if it was said that the only one`s who need support are the ones who have come out of the closet, that would be stupid as there are many reasons to stay in it as there are also reason`s to come out of it .
If someone wants to stay in the closet they should not feel bad or made to feel bad as i have heard it said many times " i can`t understand why they are in there" that in my opinion is sending out a negative attitude and in a lot of case`s it makes people feel like they should not be here and joining in as they have valued points and experience`s to share.

Kelsy

01-15-2009, 06:15 AM

Self loathing was my MO for many years! I didn't understand myself, hated what I did, was afraid and wished for "normalcy"! Sex was a part of my urges early on and that only added to my self revulsion. The secret was killing me!
It wasn't until I was discovered and finally had the nads to admit to what I was, did things begin to change. Now with accepting myself and an accepting wife I have come to terms with my own trangenderedness and the self hate is gone. I am happy and feel I am belessed to be this way!

:hugs:Kelsy

Paulacder

01-15-2009, 06:27 AM

It must be you. I can not relate to any of your facts that you listed....Sorry.

Kate Simmons

01-15-2009, 06:34 AM

Crossdressing is like a two-edged sword my friend that can cut both ways. The real trick is to use it to our advantage to learn about ourselves. The skill is acquired by not letting the sword cut us on the backswing. If we are afraid to be cut, however, we will never learn that skill.:)

Jennifer Giovannetta

01-15-2009, 06:41 AM

I can understand where you are coming from Curse. Some of the guilt you feel may be associated with the troubles that crossdressing has brought you. A while back I used to feel guilty about my crossdressing habits. But now I accept it and embrace it. I once purged my clothing approximately 13 years ago, and I am still kicking myself over it. Back then I did not have a complete understanding of crossdressing. Since then I have been able to find out alot about crossdressing by reading books, participating in this forum and checking out other crossdressing related websites. IMHO you are being way too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over the fact that you like to wear womens clothing. Be positive about it. If you enjoy it then do so. And dont compare yourself with other people. Telling yourself that what you are doing is wrong is doing no good whatsoever.

Schatten Lupus

01-15-2009, 06:45 AM

I must say as I have so many times ..You all are very supportive problem is not the kind I need.. I doubt I will ever find that sort of support, I know it is hard to understand where I am coming from with this thread...

To me Crossdressing is like a drug addiction I am not a junkie but I think I have to do it... To most in here Crossdressing is better than money and they can't have enough until they are the prettiest girl ...See the difference?? I really thank you all for your support but my kind of support is why I hate it so much not why I love it so much.. I will never change I will never leave the closet even if accepted in soceity.. I am more male by far than female but sometimes that bit*h gets in my way.

That is exactly how I used to feel. For me, when I started to really hate being trans was just after I first admited to myself that that's probably what I am. And for years, I struggled with an internal conflict that just eventually grew tiring. Maybe it was because of my size and very male appearance, or the image I had projected myself as over the years, but I determined that my male side would win out in the end. Just every once in awhile I would get urges, and that I would begin a transition. And then my "normal self" would kick in, and I would go back to the denial.
And after I finally gave in, with the struggle now seeming pointless, I started to feel less depressed about it. And it seems to me that even just alittle indulgence can make a difference.

I would say you just need to find what your level acceptance is. Some people live just fine with just acknowledging the fact to themselves. They have no dessire to transition, or do any crossdressing, but they don't deny it. Others are satisfied dressing up some to fully dressed only at home, while some are dressed at home and out. And some people will have full transition to be able to live with themselves. And there are still many different levels inbetween.
Spend some time soul searching. And don't be ashamed. It's no more abnormal than homosexuality, and has been documented in cultures throughout history, in which some cultures crossdressers and transsexuals were held in high regards.
Alot of men who are not even crossdressers try on a pair of bra and panties, tuck their dick, and fantasize.

deja true

01-15-2009, 06:58 AM

melissacd

01-15-2009, 06:59 AM

Curse,

When I first joined this forum I too was looking for a cure, looking for a way to stop this thing that I did, that was causing so much upheaval in my life. That was back in 2004.

It is now 2009 and I embrace this part of myself. It has cost me a lot (a 25 year relationship for example), however, it has brought me closer to myself and has given me a great sense of peace and contentment that I have not known for a long time. It has also allowed me to confront the issues in my life more directly. I still suffer from the losses and from the pains that I created in my life through so many years of denial but at least now I acknowledge this important part of who I am and can move forward to build a life that is more authentic.

Huggs
Melissa

Leanne2

01-15-2009, 07:22 AM

Hi CW. Thank you for being so truthful in your posts. We have to remember that our unique situations are welcomed by some of us and loathed by others. But we are still in the same boat. Some of us enjoy the ride while others only get sea sick.
Crossdressing has caused me much anguish and grief in my 59 years. But I have made my peace with it and am much happier now.
I'm sorry that you were treated poorly by members of your family. I had a son that was a bed wetter until the age of ten. We dealt with the problem in a kind and considerate way; trying every possible solution. Finally we took him to a chiropractor for an adjustment. He never wet the bed again. I wonder how it would have affected him if we had berated him for his "bad behavior."
Now we all know that cross dressing can't be "cured" by a twist of the bones. It's more complicated than that. I've come to think of it as a gift for me. But I didn't always think this way. Good luck on your journey to figure out what this condition means for you. Leanne

JennSC

01-15-2009, 07:40 AM

Honey, We are all on a journey. No, I don't go out dressed NEAR as much as I like. Yes, as some point in my adolescent this became a sexual fetish, and remained so through my 20s. But now, I am finally beginning to accept that the fem part of me is ME! I am becoming more and more of the male part of me, even when dressed in that personna. Where will it lead? Who knows. All I know is that I am committed to the journey now. I FINALLY accept this part of me and see her as an equal to him. A sort of internal women's lib!

Stay on the journey and stay true to who you are!

XO to you all for being there,
Jenn

curse within

01-15-2009, 08:37 AM

I am happy to see there are some who can relate. Please once again don't get me wrong on this thread..Everyone who has replied as well as this whole Forum are very supportive and I will say that til I am blue to my face..

I have seen this time after time though it is on going, maybe too supportive ? The type of support I am looking for not only for myself but curious if OTHERS ARE LOOKING FOR THE SAME. Is not the pros of Crossdressing we all know those but the cons of crossdressing those of us who feel cursed.

I know most here have been through the "journey" trust me I have been there ..Being a genetic male and the reason for this Thread is I want to stay true to my sex not become or accept the burden that is a daily ,weekly battle.

Now I know a lot of you have been through it and feel it is a phase I am going through ,you tell me it is a normal to feel the way I do in rejecting the desires. It is hard to explain maybe I am the freak I don't know all I can say is that after the deed of the on going nagging pestering urge of that female wanting to burst out of me succeeds , I hate myself for giving in I have always felt that way and I see no end in site.

I have seen a therapist wasn't any help

Thank you

CW

JoAnne Wheeler

01-15-2009, 08:55 AM

Crossdressing covers a very wide spectrum of people - we all have different needs and different satisfaction levels - what I like and what you like may differ, but we are still all crossdressers
JoAnne Wheeler

Joanne f

01-15-2009, 10:45 AM

You say that you hate yourself for giving in, so why do you think it is so wrong for you to enjoy something that is doing no harm to anyone else.

JulieK1980

01-15-2009, 11:09 AM

terribly interesting thread.

on the one hand i relate quite a bit while on the other not one whit.

where i relate is this: the idea of shame and guilt. had that for many years and to some extent still do (say for example the idea of being outed publicly and bringing embarrassment to my wife and kids). i also relate to the relentlessness of the desire to dress and the wishing it just wasn't there to complicate my life and steal time from other pursuits.

where i don't relate is not working through those issues to find some modicum of peace and serenity. at the end of the day - and i REALLY mean the END of YOUR LAST DAY - what darn difference will all of this angst, frustration, and self-flagellation make? will your headstone say "He Beat Himself About the Head Over What He Saw as His Shortcomings"?

acceptance doesn't mean approval. you and i can accept what and who we are without saying "and hey, isn't that a great thing!" (though today i oftentimes feel blessed by it)

the themes that seem to resonate in your words - shame, self-loathing, and disgust - these i am familiar with (things were a whole lot different when i wore my mother's panties for the first time at age 7 in 1958) - but what of the idea that to your own self be true? what of being genuine and authentic people rather than a poor reflection of what we think the larger world wants from us?

frankly, and i say this with affection, i think most of your issues are the result of an overactive mind operating on too little information using a yardstick made of some tyrants idea of morality.

Pogo might have got it right; I have met the enemy and he is us.

warmest regards and best wishes.

This basically sums up my own thoughts. Quite bluntly, you just HAVE to accept it. Since you already said you can't stop your self, there is no gain from all the self loathing. I feel for you as it took me quite a few years to come to this realization, but after awhile, you just realize there is nothing to gain from beating yourself up over it. If you don't find an inner peace with yourself and acceptance for the things you cannot change than you will never find happiness.

If this site did have the negative aspects to it, that you seem to want, I wouldn't be a member here. While there are plenty of "real" issues in the threads here, if you focus on the negativity of it, and simply vent about your own frustrations of CD'ing then you really aren't being productive to improve yourself. I hope I don't sound harsh, as its not meant to be. Simply giving my two cents on the topic. :2c:

*edit* just a thought, but it seems a lot like what you want is similar to the way people with chronic depression inflict harm on themselves. The way some cut themselves, and scratch themselves. It seems like you are looking for the same feeling from verbally attacking what you percieve as the source of your issues.

Ressie

01-15-2009, 11:39 AM

Well, ya know what, curse? You can stop dressing and it's as easy as giving yourself over to one of those church related anti-trans groups for "reprogramming". How's a little aversion therapy sound to make you even more disgusted with yourself than you already are?

Come on, kiddo, stop with the self-loathing. Have you ever really hurt anyone else besides yourself? Broken any laws by wearing a dress? Think you've condemned yourself to everlasting hell-fire for masturbating while wearing panties? Get over it!

See a shrink if you need to to. (Think you're too much of a man to do that? If so, then you're not. You're a coward.)

Sorry, it's harsh! But, hunny, you're beating yourself up over something that means squat in the big scheme of things.

Do something nice for someone else...anybody else! Get your mind off yourself, ffs!

I've felt the guilt that CW is talking about. I'm also in the closet. I feel the addiction part too. I've gone long periods of time without putting on one article of fem clothing. For myself and CW I think this is obsessive compulsion. Anything can set it off. A TV commercial, walking near the women's dept., seeing panties on the floor, etc.

Why the guilt? Could it be upbringing? Guilt is kind of related to fear. Afraid what people will think, fear of going to hell, fear of what you're doing to yourself, your mind and soul. Are these fears rational or not? It's part being OCD according to the description of transvestism in the old school psyche books. If there's no compulsion to crossdress why do it?

Compulsive liars felt guilt when they told their first lies, but after a while the guilt was gone yet the lies got worse. I feel less guilt about CDing than I used to but still fear what family members and friends would think. We all control our own conscience where guilt and shame reside. It just feels so good to put on something silky and looking in the mirror, how can I stop for the rest of my life?

MelodyS.

01-15-2009, 12:47 PM

I also have felt the guilt and shame. I have purged a couple of times, as a matter of fact, I am just coming back from a mental purge (I did not trash the clothes this time)

I get nervous, even get sick to my stomach after I dress sometimes. It is a feeling that is slowly going away with time, but I still get it. Why I get that feeling, I don't think I will ever know, and at this point, I really don't care to know why I get it. I like to dress and look like a woman, I don't know why, I just do. I don't want to get the sex change, I just want to dress every now and then. I have no desire to transition to a female, but I would like to look as close to being one as possible.

I am very in the closet, I would like to go out eventually with others complety dressed up, but for now, I am comfortable in the closet.

CW, just take a deep breath, there are others that feel like you. If you want to quit, you can do it as well. I have compared my dressing to smoking, but without the dangers of it. It just takes willpower to quit.

chrerrywine

01-15-2009, 12:47 PM

Kelsy

01-15-2009, 12:59 PM

If you want to quit, you can do it as well. I have compared my dressing to smoking, but without the dangers of it. It just takes willpower to quit.

Is that possible?? I have been dressing for 45 years and tried many many times to let go of this "addiction" and have never been able to shake it!

For me, it would be like trying to eradicate half of my personality, half of my brain, I would not be complete with out it. If there is a way to quit I would like to hear it.
perhaps that is all it is-- an addiction!!

Kelsy

Cassia-Marie

01-15-2009, 01:02 PM

Wow, deja! As a good friend of mine was fond of saying, "If poking them with the 'Rapier of Truth' doesn't work, then hit them upside the head with 'Baseball Bat of Reality'" :heehee:

When I was very young (pre-adolescent) I had a fondness for women's clothing but was shamed by my parents so I felt guilty about it.

In my adolescent years, I got sexual gratification from wearing women's clothes but felt guilt afterwards as well as lonely and, well, kind of disgusted with myself and had thoughts like: "Why am I such a loser that I can't get my own girlfriend? Why do I have to pretend I'm a girl?"

After I got marred with my first wife, I felt guilty and disgusted still because I had a great sex life with someone yet I was carrying on like I did when I was a teenager.

So I quit for over 10 years.

The urges hit me again VERY strongly this past year but I guess that I've reached a point in my life where I'm more accepting of myself and others. Oddly enough, one thing that has changed, though, is that I don't really get sexually aroused when I dress now. It isn't about that kind of thrill for me anymore. Now, it's more about a completeness - a whole me - that I have. One side benefit is that I don't have to be dressed in women's clothing to feel that (although knowing I have smooth legs and arms is a nice reminder). I'm much more balanced now in the ways I deal with stress, friends, family, work, and life in general. My anger issues and feelings of guilt have subsided to the point that I don't feel like a danger to myself and those around me. Life is now pretty good!

For me, time, age, and experience have served me well. Perhaps a little more time is what you need to allow yourself. I think it's great that you're asking these questions; it shows that you care about yourself and others around you. That's a very mature and courageous thing you're doing. Keep at it. Take all the time you need. And be open to all points of view and decide for yourself who you are and what you want and need to be. Just try not to beat yourself up too much over this.

Dee3 has an interesting point about OCD. I suffered with OCD and clinical Depression for a few years before I finally reached a breaking point and landed in my doctor's office as a complete mess. If you're exhibiting any of the tell-tell symptoms of Depression or OCD, you might want to talk to your doctor about it and see if an SSRI (like Prozac) will help. It might or it might not. You won't know until you try. The nice thing about SSRI's is that there are really no bad side-effects to taking it whether you have Depression or not.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!

MelodyS.

01-15-2009, 01:12 PM

Samantha Kelsey

01-15-2009, 01:15 PM

Hello,

Like some others who posted on this thread I too felt exactly like you do now. Again I'd been doing the dressing in sexy bits since I was a kid. Even when I told my wife it was still no more than that. I was 49 then and had just retired from work.
I think it was after that point when things really took off. Within a year I was into al sorts of clothing and even had some of my own. The further it went the further I wanted it to go.
The marriage failed a few years later not just because of me/Samantha but it was a contributory factor.
I don't know how you feel having read some of the replies which are similar to this, maybe it appears that we are predicting impending doom for you.
As for me I found my way over the rainbow and guess what the song is right there is a land that I dreamed of and now I'm very happy being who I want to be.

Rachaelb64

01-15-2009, 01:40 PM

Like many here and have stated I went thro a long period of guilt and being ashamed...... and like most I have learnt to accept myself and my crossdressing.

Yes there are still times when I wish I could just dip into my head and take out this part of me, but this feeling to is getting less and less.

You are the only person who can start dealing with your CDing, others can only support and help you. And if your limit is in the closet then, be happy stay and there.

Find you own level and be happy there and stop hating yourself for being a CDer.

kristinacd55

01-15-2009, 01:51 PM

read with caution-
The people on this forum are all like snowflakes(goes with the weather out there!) all unique & different. Some in the closet, some with one foot out, some with one toe out & many all the way out. Talk about a diverse group!! I think we should celebrate all our differences & be encouraging to everyone here.

Schatten Lupus

01-15-2009, 01:58 PM

Is not the pros of Crossdressing we all know those but the cons of crossdressing those of us who feel cursed.

The thing is, it really isn't a curse. While it isn't neccessarily a gift, it enables us, probably better than any other life path, to know ourselves very well.
I am sure many gays feel just as cursed at first, but we have come along way in science and medicine. We know now that being gay, a crossdresser, or trans is just as normal as a girl being born with XY chromosomes, or the many other chromosome variants in men and women.

Ressie

01-15-2009, 02:09 PM

It's also been interesting on this forum to see the point of view of CDs that aren't in the closet. Some of us don't have a reason to step out, but have reasons to stay private. I think I'd love the freedom of going out in public en femme if I were passable. I've been more daring about shopping, but still do most of it out of town.

BuffyCD

01-15-2009, 02:10 PM

Funny you brought this up now, cursed within...

I can relate with many of the feelings you described, No i am no longer ashamed of guilty of crossdressing, but I can see how you feel disjointed from alot of the people on this board. It seems like a vast majority are very "intense" about their need to express there feminine being.

I came to this site, after i came out to my girlfriend to read and get advice about other cders in my situation. I also came here to relate with other individuals, and participate in a community that I was a part of. Previous to my coming out, I hardly ventured on sites like this, much less joined and participated.

However, the more I navigated the site, the more I saw people who almost seemed addicted, or driven very strongly to the point of obsession about being feminine. This initially frightened me, as I for one have never wanted to be at the levels some of these guys are....ex..Going out, tucking, forms. I myself am comfortable and more then satisfied with dressing makeup and wig. The reason I was scared, is because people always talk on this board like there is a natural progression to want to become totally femme and one day venture out and regularly present as female.

At first I thought that meant that I to would naturally progress to wanting this in my life, ultimately having a destination somewhere completely south of where i wanted to be in life when I'm older. While I also realized that i will in fact be in a spot i cant see in my future anyway, I knew that the life choice of being a cder in any capacity other then what I'm currently in, was ludicrous to think about, especially considering I initially based this off others experiences.

I think this site, can be a double edged sword indeed. While it can help one to see that others are going through similar experiences, it can also open you up to a lot of questions about yourself. Questions that you may not be ready to answer, or face at all.

All this being said, i can certainly relate to you, as i have no desire to do anymore cding then i do. I am content keeping to to myself and my girlfriend, and only doing it in my spare alone time. I think this is a level that you must get to, and some point, or like others have said, you will drive yourself mad. Accept your level of comfort with cding, and filter out anything you are not comfortable with on this site....

On a side note, that may not be related but was definitely triggered by this post, I have been trying to delete my account on this board. I understand that its probably not possible to do so, as I have read the faq and emailed the moderators, but i thought i would share with you why, and i think you will see how this relates to the post...

I realize that with my career path and life, that I want to be more careful with what i have available to others online. While i love the people on this site, there are conversations that I don't want to be associated with, which i will be because I am a member of this site. I love the people on here and appreciate te support, but this is something that i feel has my best interest in responsible cding. I also am very disillusioned with the staff on this board being very rude and stiff when it came to some emails i sent them, almost belittling me and not being very helpful at all. I know this part is quite random, but i felt i had to vent on this, and let others know about my experiences with some of the moderators on this board. I mean no disrespect, and I hope i have been helpful and informative in my post to cursed within.

I have no problems with any of the people on this site, you are all great and offer a lot of help!

-B.

DonnaT

01-15-2009, 02:36 PM

The problem is, CW, the type of support you want.

Many can relate to not wanting this urge we have to crossdress. A few would take the magic pill to stop if it were available. I would, as long as it did not change my personality. And I've always accepted it. Never felt guilt. But I'd still take the pill.

But there is no pill, and there is no stopping the urge. Sure some may have stopped dressing, but the urge is usually still there.

So there's really not any good advise one can offer to help you stop the urges.

They are innate. Something you were born with. Which is why most support suggests accepting it. It's not a fight you can win.

Fighting it has been known to lead to depression, alcohol and/or drug abuse, suicide.

So which is better, accepting who you are, as a whole, or the above problems?

charlie

01-15-2009, 03:12 PM

Hello Curse Within!
Yes, all you say is true for you. Some of it is true for me and many others on this site. Given the chance, I would quit (it sure would be easier). However, even given your negative feelings for how the majority of the people here feel, they do give you something. This forum lets you know that many other men on this earth have the same fetish, and compunction to dress in ladies clothes and can no more control it then you can. That means something to us all. Misery loves company!

Cassia-Marie

01-15-2009, 03:42 PM

After I got marred with my first wife...

LMAO! Talk about Freudian slips! I meant "married." :doh::heehee:

Cathytg

01-15-2009, 03:56 PM

I understand the self-loathing. I was raised to be a very conservative Catholic boy. You have heard of the Catholics? They are the same folks that had thought pedophilia was simply sinful and could be removed with prayer. And so I prayed and hated myself for 45 years.

But as I got to reading and thinking, it became apparent that TG and CD are just aspects of my birthed self. I still had enough spirituality at the time to be certain that "God don't make junk" so I had to accept my stuff as neither good nor bad. Is a gun good or bad just sitting there in a box?

Two things that I learned that may have saved my life are that I am OK and that any judgment I make about myself needs to be set in a framework of how I am behaving and not who I am. Try not to curse your gender orientation (I did not say sexual); instead see how you might actually mine it for the gold that surely is there.

Corsetted Nikki

01-15-2009, 04:11 PM

Hello CW,

I can understand that some of the more active contributors on this board are those who are more down the TG spectrum than I expect many others are. I, for example, just see my CDing as a fun, enjoyable and sexy thing to do. I have, like I expect most of us, struggled with embarrassment from time to time. However, it has been my experience that most of the embarrassment I've known has been for other's perception of me. Since my teens, I haven't had a problem with me CDing, though I am afraid of others' reactions to it. This started with my family and continues (to a lesser extent) with my wife (she knows as much as I do about Nikki).

I discovered this site in April and what it has done for me is allow me to expand my context of CDing. Before I came here, I bought lingerie, corsets and footwear. I didn't know there were a lot of us out there. I didn't know there were other resources. I hadn't considered dressing getting makeup, buying forms or a veronica 2, much less going full femme. I've now done all of these things and it was a lot of fun, but again I find myself concerned about the others around me.

Although my wife always knew about my tastes for lingerie and thigh high boots, she was pretty freaked out when she found out about my delving into wigs, makeup and dresses. She's growing with me. I choose not to share Nikki with any of my friends accept the wonderful ladies on this forum, whom I consider friends bound by a common interest. I am sure my friends would be accepted, but I just don't wish to do that.

I have accepted myself and this site allows me to keep expanding my ideas. I know I'm a guy and I'm happy being one. I love playing the female role, however. The active members on this board inspire me to improve my ability to play that role.

But I am straying from the point a bit...
The point is that I would expect the reason most vocal people on this board are so positive about their CDing is because they are in a place in their lives where either 1. they ARE free to be what they want to be (which is more girly than I choose to be) or 2. that is where they NEED to be to enjoy their lives.

Some of us are just prefer to be a bit more quiet. There are hundreds and hundreds of girls who choose to say nothing or very little for every girl to posts 5 or more times a day. These two types of people are not in the same place, and it sounds like neither are you. That's ok.

I try to add a bit of insight where I think I can be helpful or when I choose to because I like being an influential part of the communities where I frequent. You, too, have a unique voice and contribute where you believe it's wise or where you wish to.

The question you need to ask yourself is what kind of role you are seeking in this community? You have indicated that you have more of a negative perspective than what is typically shared on this board. (You might want to look at it as not sharing quite as positive perspective as others rather than negative, because as others have iterated, just by participating you are making a positive contribution to the community.) Are you happy with that role? Because there is always a need for that. It is the same need that you felt when you began this thread.

If you want to continue in this role, perhaps you can speak with the admins about setting up a new group to discuss coping with the more challenging aspects of our lifestyles. We all can concede that that life as a CDer is not always that rosy. This can be a place for you if you want it.

If you would like to adopt a different role, then I'm afraid you'll need to do a bit more soul searching, because your voice is predicated on your perspective and a change in your perspective can only brought about through hard work.

It sounds to me like you might be searching for a role in your life where you can be happy.

Many vocal people on this board have come to the end of theirs or are on the right path (which is why they sound so positive). I only hope you find yours.

I wish you luck on your journey!

Best

Schatten Lupus

01-15-2009, 04:30 PM

It is hard to explain maybe I am the freak I don't know all I can say is that after the deed of the on going nagging pestering urge of that female wanting to burst out of me succeeds , I hate myself for giving in I have always felt that way and I see no end in site.

I have seen a therapist wasn't any help
There simply is no end. Should you choose to keep on fighting, it will be a life long struggle. And the struggle is tiring, and mentally straining. Many have faught, and succumbed to drug abuse/addiction, alcohol abuse, bouts of depression, and in some tragic cases, suicide.
As far as support, I'm not sure what to say. All I can suggest is to try another therapist, and don't hate yourself for being the way you are.

Jonianne

01-15-2009, 04:57 PM

To Start with Please excues me if I'm intruding on your forum. I am a GG but just wanted to say I think your right. I think that the MTF should have their own private forum and also the closet dressers. This site is called crossdresser yet they are the only ones not to have their own private forum with invitation only such as the GG have or is this site called GG's . Sorry I just feel that if GG's can have a private forum with invitation only why don't the rest of the groups. Are GG's the only one's allowed privacy in what they feel and think. I am amber 07's fiancee and wish that she would come back to the site. Thank you for letting me speak...chrerrywine

Hi Chrerrywine, GG's are always very welcome to post in the MtF forum (unless the individual thread requests otherwise). Sometimes GG's bring the best support and reality-checks as well.

As far as MtF's having a private forum we do have the Private GM Forum. There are a whole varity of topics that are posted there. For example, one thread I started was "How do you take pride in yourself as a GM".

CW, my heart goes out to you because of the pain I read in your posts. I hope through the love and acceptance of others you can finally find peace in your heart.

sissystephanie

01-15-2009, 05:07 PM

Is that possible?? I have been dressing for 45 years and tried many many times to let go of this "addiction" and have never been able to shake it!

For me, it would be like trying to eradicate half of my personality, half of my brain, I would not be complete with out it. If there is a way to quit I would like to hear it.
perhaps that is all it is-- an addiction!!

Kelsy

It may well be considered an "addiction!" But if so, then YES you can let it go! First you have to admit it is there, and then detirmine to get rid of it.

But....in CW's case I believe he has a very low opinion of himself! Why, I have no clue. Except maybe for the way he was raised. I did not have a real happy childhood myself. I lost my mother at age 7, my dad at age 14, and was traised by an aunt and uncle who had two children of theirwn. Guess who came first in that family? But I did have the advantage of a wise Grandmother. She taught me three things which I have made lifelong philosophys to love by. They are: The Golden Rule (you should know that one), Always believe in yourself, and only worry about the things over which you can exert control.

In my 70 plus years on this earth I have experienced many things of great joy, and an almost equal number of tragic things. The worst of course was losing my wife of almost 50 years. But through it all, those three simple things have kept me going. And they can keep you, CW and any others who think like you, going in the same manner. Why worry about how others think of the way you dress? (with the exception of your wife or SO!) You cannot change their opinion, nor should you. Lead your own life, don't let someone else do it for you!

CW, your Tag Line says it very well! As does mine. I am a man who likes to dress! Nothing more, nothing less!

curse within

01-15-2009, 05:17 PM

It may well be considered an "addiction!" But if so, then YES you can let it go! First you have to admit it is there, and then detirmine to get rid of it.

But....in CW's case I believe he has a very low opinion of himself! Why, I have no clue. Except maybe for the way he was raised. I did not have a real happy childhood myself. I lost my mother at age 7, my dad at age 14, and was traised by an aunt and uncle who had two children of theirwn. Guess who came first in that family? But I did have the advantage of a wise Grandmother. She taught me three things which I have made lifelong philosophys to love by. They are: The Golden Rule (you should know that one), Always believe in yourself, and only worry about the things over which you can exert control.

In my 70 plus years on this earth I have experienced many things of great joy, and an almost equal number of tragic things. The worst of course was losing my wife of almost 50 years. But through it all, those three simple things have kept me going. And they can keep you, CW and any others who think like you, going in the same manner. Why worry about how others think of the way you dress? (with the exception of your wife or SO!) You cannot change their opinion, nor should you. Lead your own life, don't let someone else do it for you!

CW, your Tag Line says it very well! As does mine. I am a man who likes to dress! Nothing more, nothing less!

I'm sorry but no I do not have a low opinion of myself..Funny tho I do have a low opinion of Crossdressing!!..

You see thats my point no offence to anyone as I really like what you all do and how great you all support one another.. My point is are there any others here that feel the same as I do? Because to be honest with everyone my best advise or support comes from the GG's. Most people in here( that post) enjoy dressing ,thats what you support. For people like me that do not enjoy it instead of understanding when a post such as this one appears and support my wishes to stop, they want to support me to continue because that's what they choose to do themselves..That's all I am saying , we all know that it is gonna be a part of our lives til we die . But how to live with it and fight it off is the roughest part when you don't want it and will never accept it..

Thanks C.W.

LisaM

01-15-2009, 05:38 PM

Leanne2

01-15-2009, 05:41 PM

Now I'm upset. Sure you can talk about cross dressing all you want but when you dis chocolate the discussion verges on meddling. Some things are off limits; like my waist line. Hee Hee, Leanne

JennyII23

01-15-2009, 05:49 PM

I'm sorry but no I do not have a low opinion of myself..Funny tho I do have a low opinion of Crossdressing!!..

You see thats my point no offence to anyone as I really like what you all do and how great you all support one another.. My point is are there any others here that feel the same as I do? Because to be honest with everyone my best advise or support comes from the GG's. Most people in here( that post) enjoy dressing ,thats what you support. For people like me that do not enjoy it instead of understanding when a post such as this one appears and support my wishes to stop, they want to support me to continue because that's what they choose to do themselves..That's all I am saying , we all know that it is gonna be a part of our lives til we die . But how to live with it and fight it off is the roughest part when you don't want it and will never accept it..

Thanks C.W.

Good luck CW , Acceptance is the 1 st step to recovery ,in anything in life...period ,I can go on and tell about my life ,but I am at peace with my self ,lifes to short ,I am a DROWNING SERVIVOR ,and should be dead ,went 5+ minutes without breathing ,so I am soooo thankful to the Lord ,to give me a chance ,I am a caregiver to both of my parents ,and know why he saved me on that day of boat racing in 2001 ,I am on leave from work ,pops wanted to come stay with us to die ,but has pulled through good enough to get him and Mom to a beatuiful new assisted living facilty ,2 miles from us .I can go back to work , yahhhh,sorry I didn't mean to hijack ,Just wish you well :thumbsup:

curse within

01-15-2009, 05:54 PM

Curse Within,

I am not sure I can relate to how you feel because I have always felt my desires as a blessing. I guess I have always wanted to be a woman and not just dress like one. So these feelings are an essential part of me. I often think about a question that my first therapist asked me when I started with her---"If I could give you a pill and you would no longer want to be woman or dress as a woman-all of those desires would be gone. Would you take it?"

I answered no. I don't want it to ever go away.

I would overdose on the pill...Thats great you can not relate and I am very happy for you.. I feel that you expressing that was great and I understand, in fact why wouldn I even think about asking you to feel angry about yourself because you accept this in your life?. But that is you with being as honest as I can be torwards that I am happy for you there is nothing wrong with it for you.

But there is tons wrong with it for me..If it's such a great thing to do then tell me why do most of us stay in the safety of our own closets? Why do most of us NOT dress in front of our kids or our S/O's ask if we do not dress in front of them? Why do most of us do not want to be outted to friends co workers or even strangers. Why do some of us hem haw with the truth prior to a relationship over it and most women do not accept it?? Why do most of us have to get up enough courage to buy anything female related in department stores? I can keep going so to say there is nothing negetive about dressing .. Not saying you did in your post and this isn't directed to you so lease no offence, but in general.

Thanks

C.W.

curse within

01-15-2009, 05:58 PM

Good luck CW , Acceptance is the 1 st step to recovery ,in anything in life...period ,I can go on and tell about my life ,but I am at peace with my self ,lifes to short ,I am a DROWNING SERVIVOR ,and should be dead ,went 5+ minutes without breathing ,so I am soooo thankful to the Lord ,to give me a chance ,I am a caregiver to both of my parents ,and know why he saved me on that day of boat racing in 2001 ,I am on leave from work ,pops wanted to come stay with us to die ,but has pulled through good enough to get him and Mom to a beatuiful new assisted living facilty ,2 miles from us .I can go back to work , yahhhh,sorry I didn't mean to hijack ,Just wish you well :thumbsup:

Jenny that is great to survive such a event ,wow someone was looking over you..Sorry about the parents, my prayers are with them tonite.

C.W.

LisaM

01-15-2009, 06:37 PM

Curse Within,

Your points are well made. I don't deny a lot of what you've written. I still get embarrassed by women's clothing. I recently ordered cosmetics on-line. My wife never asked me to quit but I did quit for 10 years. There is a great deal of pain regarding how you feel; how I feel and how others feel about this.

But I still wouldn't give it up. It makes me feel whole, complete--I don't know how to describe it. It makes me want to go back and live my life all over and transition when I was in my teens.

I guess the difference is that want and feel that I am a woman. I can't imagine living without feeling that way. I hope you can find peace. I truly know how difficult that is to do.

JennyII23

01-15-2009, 06:42 PM

Jenny that is great to survive such a event ,wow someone was looking over you..Sorry about the parents, my prayers are with them tonite.

C.W.

CW a BIG THANKS ....

Shelly67

01-15-2009, 06:49 PM

No matter our gender , colour , size , or personality , I think its positive not to worry fret or question ourselves indeapth .
We are what we are ....nothin more nothin less , and its pointless to try to discover any answears with feelings of guilt and uncertainty .
We must simply first learn to love ourselves and accept we are different .
Imagine a world full of clones of no character ..........

curse within

01-15-2009, 07:23 PM

Yes Mistress we are who we are and Lisa thanks for the post all of you.. I guess I can't say it enough ,I am at peace with myself this Thread really isn't about me or support or the lack of. I was just curious if any other people on this site felt the same as I ? I ask this because the post in the MTF section of this forum are over 80% as a guess PRO DRESSING and another 20% if I had to guess hard times with crossdressing.

In other words if I wanted to share the joys of crossdressing this section is lucky girl, but if I share the downside or negetive feelings torwards it being a CDer myself ,91% as a guess again will point out the pro's in accepting it and get on with your journey..The world has to accept you, not you accepting the world that is the biggest support I see.. I am not saying anything is wrong with that and I'll take the 9% better than none .. I just wondered if any silent members or not came to this place unaware that it was mostly a support forum for futhering your crossdressing rather than containing it or learning to live with it in harmony with the loved ones in your life who do not understand or appreciate it as much as people in here do..

I will not hold fact to the percentages provided in this post as they were merley givin as my own estimate and no others.

C.W.

MarcieM

01-15-2009, 07:44 PM

My point is are there any others here that feel the same as I do?
I understand exactly what you're saying - but you can explain it all day here and the majority of the people on this forum will be 100% clueless.
I don't feel that CD-ing is a "blessing", I hate it. I absolutely hate the fact that I have the desire to CD. Even though I'm not actively CD-ing at the present time, can I stop thinking about it? What do you think the answer is to that question?

I would also take a pill to stop all desire to CD. In a HEARTBEAT.

curse within

01-15-2009, 07:58 PM

I understand exactly what you're saying - but you can explain it all day here and the majority of the people on this forum will be 100% clueless.
I don't feel that CD-ing is a "blessing", I hate it. I absolutely hate the fact that I have the desire to CD. Even though I'm not actively CD-ing at the present time, can I stop thinking about it? What do you think the answer is to that question?

I would also take a pill to stop all desire to CD. In a HEARTBEAT.

Marcie,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.. Was you like me when you found this place? I will be upfront and honest with you, I was at one of my weakest times newly seperated looking for support of the so called reason (x-dressing) and fell into what they call on here the "Pink Fog".. I came back out of it hell I didn't even know such a thing existed came back to my normal level and can now control it.

But for me dressing interferes with my daily life or it did back then and brings even more depression to me than none.. It robs my productive time , it holds me hostage in my own home ( because I will forever be in the closet) Which means no life!! Being single and a guess again 98% of the women I meet would never have anything to do with someone who x-dresses and that sucks because I am only attracted to women..

Thanks again

C.W.

Nicki B

01-15-2009, 08:31 PM

I'm sorry but no I do not have a low opinion of myself..Funny tho I do have a low opinion of Crossdressing!!..

Perhaps you could explain why you have that low opinion of cd'ing - not in other people's words or feelings, but your own?

And if you don't have a low opinion of yourself - how do you explain why you do this? :strugglin

curse within

01-15-2009, 08:37 PM

Perhaps you could explain why you have that low opinion of cd'ing - not in other people's words or feelings, but your own?

And if you don't have a low opinion of yourself - how do you explain why you do this? :strugglin

Nikki...I am sorry but I thought I pointed them out a page or two back...would you like for me to re post them?

C.W.

Nicki B

01-15-2009, 08:49 PM

Nikki...I am sorry but I thought I pointed them out a page or two back...would you like for me to re post them?

C.W.

Forgive me if I missed it, but I thought you were saying why others might feel that way - which sorta sounds like what matters to you is how others might feel about a lack of 'manliness'???

Edit - just checked back - I still can't see where you say why you think the activity itself is wrong - only where others have thrown it in your face and how you wish to reject it..

I understand exactly what you're saying - but you can explain it all day here and the majority of the people on this forum will be 100% clueless.

Are you so sure? Do you really think few else here have experienced denial - why else is so much said about purging?

Schatten Lupus

01-15-2009, 09:32 PM

But how to live with it and fight it off is the roughest part when you don't want it and will never accept it..
I wish you luck. I remember when I use to fight so hard. I guess the battle just lingered on too long, and I grew tired and weary.
Don't get me wrong, if there was such a magical pill that if I took it, I would no longer be trans, I would take it in an instant. It would make things so much easier. Rather than trying to plan a transition around my relationship, school, job, and so many other variables, I could just focus on getting college out of the way, and then getting a good job. I wouldn't have to worry about what is too fast for my girlfriend's comfort. Wouldn't have to worry about parenting issues. I would have much less worries, and many more restful nights. Less depression, and a more stable appetite (with mine going from eating one very small meal a day, if that, to eating as much as a Hobbit would if they were real.). Hell, I'd never even have to worry if I got all the makeup off before I go out to work (like I am now...) or to visit family. But, for the sake of my own dwindling sanity, I had to give in. I use to try to drink it away, slam my head against a wall in the middle of the night to shake the thoughts, cursed myself, and had very warped images of myself. Even after just accepting it myself, I started to treat myself better. For me though, the road is longer than just mear acceptance.

The best advice I can give is too just accept it. You don't have to like dressing. You don't even have to ever dress. The urges and thoughts will never leave though. Have you tried playing out a mental fantasy? This way, you are not actually dressing up, but you see yourself dressed up for a moment or two. It can be done in the shower, or in the evening in front of the TV. Sort of a day dream type of thing. Satisfy the mind while also maybe satisying your psyche.

curse within

01-15-2009, 09:52 PM

Schatten,

Wow I feel your pain as well...I think a lot more of us go through what you just mentioned and if accepting it works then by all means ..Go for it..

I think in my case anyways accepting it and living with it are two in the same, my fault I wasn't clear enough on that (didn't want this to be a thread soley about me) .To make it clear though I don't fully accept it I live with it, confussed ? Yes hasn't been a day gone by I havn't and to make myself clear on that , confussed about why I give in and what drives me to do it.

I don't want to change this place I do enjoy some of it and just as many others here if I don't relate to a thread, I will not post. I think that everyone here are excellent people and maybe the level to which I am not are the highest percentage of people here. So I am the blacksheep I will admit that and stay within my boundries , to not rock the boat if you can relate.

Thanks

C.W.

Corina

01-15-2009, 10:16 PM

We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.

2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..

5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.

6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.

I feel the same as you. I have had these feelings off and on since puberty. I always feel guilty afterwards and my wife left me if not completely for that reason then mostly. The name I have listed is the one she gave me. I will NEVER come out of the closet, I don't want anyone to know, and I don't want to be a girl.

So how do I deal with it. I know that it is part of me but not ALL of me. I do it when the urge is too strong and don't the rest of the time. I wish there was that magic pill you mentioned and that my wife had not left me for my urges.

SO the answer to your question is yes there are others that feel like you do.

Julieanne

01-15-2009, 10:40 PM

I'll add my bit at the risk of upsetting some folks.

Yes, Cursed, I understand although I am (mostly) not there now. I do not think the negativity is something you can just decide not to have, nor that acceptance of who you are and what you do is at all easy.

Having said that these are issues that you must work through to at least lessen your distress (lessen your curse). Perhaps they can be eliminated -- I don't know -- but I think the goal should be progress in coming to terms with your curse. Little steps that will make your life better.

Counseling is helpful for some but it is critical that you find a good match. Someone who truly understands your situation on more than a academic level. Maybe give it another try.

I know that when I have been depressed well meaning people have told me just to pull myself out of it. No, no can do. That's the curse of depression, and it's due to a chemical imbalance not that different from diabetes. Believe me, if it were that easy to solve I would have done it long ago.

I suspect your negativity/depression may be similar. Sometimes we are depressed for good reason, for example when my wife was dying. I am on antidepressants and they have given me my life back -- another possibility. Meds don't make the problems go away but do allow perspective. Perhaps your curse is not as bad as you have made it out to be. It sure beats something like uncontrollable violence

Good luck. The answers are not easy and not magic but it can get better.

Hugs, Julie

curse within

01-15-2009, 10:49 PM

Corina,

If that is ok to call you that, I want to say thanks for the post first and a great question also. So how do you deal with it? Talking to others is a great start I think , a support forum would be great, one that is geared to the cons not the pros of crossdressing.. This place is the closest one I have found yet and believe me I searched many days and nights looking.

It is awkward for me sometimes to even thread or post in here due to having to type a disclaimer that my intent is not to offend anyone. I am sure I will get some over this post.. If anyone has seen a forum that is geared for the cons not the pros and is for crossdressers could you PM me a addy?
You see I hear from some that I am in denial and for some reason I just don't think I am even for one minute.. I know I crossdress I know I am a male and I know I will never become a female make believe or surgery. How does that make me in denial. Living as a female accepting you female side and not fighting the urges TO ME only aids in pushing you further into a Trans seaxual But I am sure that will offend someone and they will try to correct me..

Thanks

C.W.

MarcieM

01-15-2009, 10:51 PM

Are you so sure? Do you really think few else here have experienced denial - why else is so much said about purging?
I'm positive. I think there are very few who get what this thread is about.
It's not just about purging. It's about having the desire to CD hard-wired in one's brain. There are those of us who are incapable of accepting it and find it revolting. You don't get that, do you?

Satrana

01-15-2009, 11:01 PM

..Being a genetic male and the reason for this Thread is I want to stay true to my sex not become or accept the burden that is a daily ,weekly battle.

Stay true to your sex? Therein lies your problem, you believe in a false idea, an artificial man-made concept that being male equates to masculinity. The truth is everyone is born with both masculine and feminine qualities. Are you willing to accept the truth or continue believing in a lie?

I think your feelings come from the fact that you are not prepared to fight for your rights. You want to blend into the perceived normalcy of others and so reject the notion of accepting yourself because that would mean admitting your difference. You are caught in a quagmire and want to drown your sorrows with other remorseful souls. There is no happiness in misery even when it is shared.

This is an unhealthy situation to be in. You need to kick yourself and decide once and for all to either accept and reject who you are.

curse within

01-15-2009, 11:18 PM

Satrana,

Thanks for the post and the info as well..You seem smart , polite you have always posted very well and thoughtful. Trust me if there was a switch to turn it off when it comes around I would.. You see I live a very happy life in male mode, great job super children and friends. I live in male mode 99% of the time maybe less 1 - 3 percent depending on the urges.. I don't want them URGES I want them to go away .. Explain to me if you could how because I don't want them, how can I just shut them off?

Or I could just give in , right dress more often then the same problem occurs but the male side the stonger lifestyle the one I perfer is wanting to come out. I am no different than most of you here I have heared it hundreds of times it doesn't shut off..BTW if you have the pill to shut it off or the method of making one please share.. I can understand where you folks come from I do find some enjoyment when dressed but the disgusted feelings and quilt follows always..I don't expect any of those who found happiness in crossdressing to understand my feelings tho..

Thanks

C.W.

MissConstrued

01-16-2009, 12:05 AM

I can understand where you folks come from I do find some enjoyment when dressed but the disgusted feelings and quilt follows always..I don't expect any of those who found happiness in crossdressing to understand my feelings tho..

Thanks

C.W.

Hold on there, bucko. I understand very well where you are. I've been there. Done that. Got the damn t-shirt.

So have a lot more of us. I'm not the only one who wondered for years what the hell was broken in my head. I'm not the only one who could be going along fine for months, everything normal, and suddenly all I could think about was lingerie. (In my case, at the wheel of 80 tons of moving machinery... somewhat of a distraction.) And I'm certain all of us have been through the guilt, the shame, the purging, the swearing off, the temptation, and the mental pandemonium. Did I mention shame? Throw a little old-timey hellfire and brimstone religion, while we're at it.

And there's still a lot more out there, going through the same crap you are. But they don't have the guts to go look for answers, like you're doing.

A lot of us here have looked for the answers. Maybe we started before you did. Well, we haven't found any. Sorry. Can't help. No answers. F*ck, we don't even know what questions to ask!

You know about alcoholics? How even if one hasn't touched a drop in 20 years, he's still an alcoholic? He's a "recovering" alcoholic. That one drop, and it's right back in the gutter. Every day is a struggle just to stay on the wagon. You want to be a "recovering" crossdresser? Wake up every day, and mouth affirmations, "one day at a time?" Knowing that the second you get near a pair of high heels, you fall off the wagon?

Well, alcohol can kill you. Heels & lacy things won't.

The happy folk here have simply decided that it's easier, and saner, to stay off the wagon. Just because they don't all talk about the hell they've been through, doesn't mean they haven't been there.

And just because we've adjusted to it, and come out from the closet to one degree or another, doesn't change anything else. I once entertained thoughts of "transitioning" (isn't that a cute little euphemism for a waste of a perfectly good penis? :eek:), along with the other mental nastiness. Now I'm entirely happy with being male, my manly job, everything. All it took was the first time out of the house, to find that no one thinks I'm a whack job. (They might for other reasons, though... lol) Now those nice clothes stay in the closet except for the once-in-a-blue-moon night at a club, or when I just have to be a camera *****. I'm free to focus on my work, and the important things in life -- beer and women. :D For me, going public was like beating the last level of a video game. Once you've mastered the game, it loses some importance in your mind.

Everything changed when I quit beating myself up. And the biggest help to get there? Meeting more people like me online. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one is enough.

To borrow a phrase from a former Douchebag-in-Chief, I feel your pain. I'm not saying you should be giddy, or go off the pink deep end, or turn all girly, or buy into the platitudes about "expressing the woman within." I don't think that's where you are, or where you're meant to go.

Just stop -- some way, somehow -- stop torturing yourself. It's an executive decision you have to make, and no one else can make it for you.

Sally2005

01-16-2009, 12:06 AM

Curse, I think I understand your situation. For me it is similar. For years I felt the same as you. Even today I would seriously consider 'pulling the plug' on CDing if it was possible...life sure would be easier. When I first joined this site about 3 years ago, I didn't feel like I was the same as anyone, but I knew deep down the feeling would never go, so I decided to face it head on. I just read a lot and tried to figure out what it all means to me. I thought, for some reason I am driven to dress...so I tried it, full power. I discovered that after going out many times, the strong desire has diminished and the shame and guilt is gone. I still do it for the thrill or challenge and there is still a compulsion sometimes. Actually, for the first time in my life, I am happy with who I am. I think once you truely accept the feelings and somehow integrate them in to your life then you are 'cured of the curse'. Maybe the compulsion will never fully go away, but it seems like the more you fight it the stronger it gets. Hang in there.

Tracii G

01-16-2009, 12:13 AM

If you want something bad enough you have to work/fight for it.
Find a Catholic preist to excorsise you of the "demon" with in.I know that sounds like a load of crap but maybe the "girl" with in you is an entity living or "hosting"inside you.Those thing do happen.
I know people will think I'm nuts for saying that but I have had the opportunity to watch an excorsim and I can't expalin the hows or whys but it scared the shi* out of me. Hearing a small fragile woman sound like a pro wrestler spewing vial horrible things at the preist.
I'm not a religous person in the normal sense but a spiritualist.
Maybe it could be as simple as just not giving in to the urge.When the urge hits go some where and do something else.
I don't mean to come off insensitive but you need to find a way to stop being so down on yourself.Think positive.

curse within

01-16-2009, 12:24 AM

Tracii and Sally ,

Thank you both and as I have said before I am not beating myself up over this I just want it to go away that's all..When I started this thread it wasN'T directed to me only and how I feel.. I wanted to know if others felt the way I do about crossdressing , thats all..I appreciate your concerns tho ,really I do.

But I am ok with myself dis likeing xdressing I feel the more I do the less i get the urges but never stupid enough to purge..They always come back we all know that. Everyone really this isn't a rant or poor me thread it is reaching out to some who feel beat up for not accepting it in a forum that is dedicated to it in all forms.. You have said been there in one way or another I am 43 years old been getting the urges as long as I can remember .I am past purgeing and I know somewhat in how to control or live with the little urges I get..Yes believe it or not there are people just like me that feel strongly about never accepting it.

Thanks again everyone

C.W.

Tracii G

01-16-2009, 12:33 AM

Well its a very interesting topic.At least we know how you feel maybe a new section dealing with this is in order.Admins?

linnea

01-16-2009, 01:26 AM

What you do as a crossdresser--whether because of uncontrollable urges or comfortable desires--is up to you. I have found that everything that I thought I was alone in thinking or doing as a crossdresser was represented by participants in this site, often by many people who participate in this forum. I find that encouraging. I hope that you are encouraged too.

BaliGirl

01-16-2009, 01:42 AM

But I am ok with myself dis likeing xdressing I feel the more I do the less i get the urges but never stupid enough to purge..They always come back we all know that. Everyone really this isn't a rant or poor me thread it is reaching out to some who feel beat up for not accepting it in a forum that is dedicated to it in all forms.. Yes believe it or not there are people just like me that feel strongly about never accepting it.

C.W.

C.W.,

You are not alone. For many years I told myself that my cross-dressing as a teen was just a phase. I was in denial about the urges being there. I told myself that I would never cross-dress again. I wasn't one of "those" people.

When I bought my first article of clothing, I thought to myself that I was just going to try wearing it once, and that the urge to cross-dress would go away when I proved to myself that wearing it wasn't fun. The urge didn't go away.

I still haven't fully accepted the fact that I cross-dress or that it is OK to cross-dress. Reading this forum helps quite a bit, and posting helps more. I've always known that many or most people in society don't accept it, but it is great to know there are lots of people in this community that not only accept it, but welcome me here. That is important because this is a part of me that isn't going to go away.

B.G.

NatalieBliss

01-16-2009, 02:30 AM

First. WELCOME! Based off this one well thought and tactful post I look forward to your contributions. I would also be happy to share thoughts

Second, my crossdressing can now legally drink as it has been 21 years, a short time in the grand scheme, but hopefully it will at least triple... anyway I spent the first 15 or 16 years of that thinking much like you.

I don't know if you want to accept it ever or find a way to get rid of it (if you do let me know. an "actual" choice would be enlightening) or whatever. It doesn't matter, it's all fine by me, you weren't pushing your views on me and I am happy to return the favor, however I will tell you two things from my experience:

1) You'll never accept it unless you WANT to.
2) Accepting that part of yourself, even just beginning too, can be really really difficult (thanks mainly to #1) but it is waaaaaayyyyyy better than hating yourself.

Third, I think you are a rare breed here because most in your position probably just lurk (nothing wrong with that imho) or don't ever look for a site like this. I know I didn't even think of looking for a support oriented site until I was reading to accept it.

Anyway my private messages box has plenty of room!

ColleenShivas

01-16-2009, 02:45 AM

Although each of us has had a very different experience, there is a lot of commonality in the posts to this great thread. When I was young (and there was no web) I was very confused about the desires that I had, confused but definitely not guilty because I think that even then I realized that it was not something that I could control.

The urges came and went (or I learned how to suppress them) until a couple of years into my marriage. Then I tried to come out to my wife, but it was a very clumsy attempt. She got mad, so I shot right back into the closet.

I hid my dressing from her, and everyone else, for nearly 30 years, until finally I let myself be caught. By this time she knew me well enough not be be threatened, and has come to accept me when I dress around the house. She even helps me shop, but I always wear drab outside the house, perhaps underdressed. For career and social reasons, I dare not come out to the rest of the world, or risk being seen, so I make do with dressing at home with my wife as the only female friend of Colleen.

All of this background is prelude to expressing the primary emotions that I have about being a CD - disappointment at least and mostly anger that society cannot accept us. Virtually all other "different" groups have by now been accepted into the diversity of society, but CDers must either pass, or hide, or not care about being identified.

So no, you are not alone, but your experiences so far have soured you, and made you feel guilty about expressing your true self. IMHO it would be better to be angry than guilty. The fault is not in ourselves, but in the world we inhabit.

TxKimberly

01-16-2009, 08:21 AM

I find it interesting that some of these posts have developed a "US" vrs "Them" mentality. That's sort of sad as we all should be able to accept, help, and communicate with each other here regardless of our beliefs and comfort levels.

Yes, when I was younger I WAS filled with guilt, and I DID hate crossdressing. It made my life uncomfortable. It made my life complicated. It gave me head trips I didn't need. Yes, I would have taken any reasonable cure that might have come along.
Somewhere along the line though, my thinking changed. I decided that I was tired of being ashamed of it, and that in the great scheme of things, it wasn't worth all the angst. How and why my feelings and attitude changed - I have no idea, but there you have it.

curse within

01-16-2009, 08:23 AM

Thanks again everyone who has posted I am gonna sit the rest of this one out but I will continue threading ....I just wanted everyone to know you do help in your own way...I really don't recall ever saying at anytime I didn't like being here or I didn't like the people on this forum ... You all are great folks and you do make people feel welcomed.. For those who got the message thanks for understanding that x-dressing isn't always puppies and ponies for all and that some of us deal with it in a negative way..

Thanks

C.W.

valenstein

01-16-2009, 10:26 AM

You're not alone. I've come a long way from feeling guilty all the time but some days I wake up and think, "why am I doing this, it causes me so much turmoil, i have a hard time talking to my gf about it and sometimes I feel like a freak", but it feels plain WRONG when I don't do it. It does feel like an addiction, but again, it's not so much of a "fix" I'm after, it's a state of normalcy. I'm responding here to your statements. We're not the same, but not completely different either:

1. We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.

-Each person has their own closet, it's not limited to crossdressing. I don't get out a whole lot, sometimes being here is my way of getting out and socializing.

2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.

-If a person treats me respectfully, it doesn't matter to me.

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

- For sexual reasons? I feel those things after eating an entire large bag of M&M's in one sitting. Seriously though, I have too. What is it you feel guilty about?

4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..

- I actually prefer wearing jeans and pants over skirts, I'm guessing that puts me in the minority here, but it's neither right or wrong, it's individual.

5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.

- I would agree with the sometimes, and long ago it was most times for me.

6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.

- Other than a few squabbles, everybody here gets along even though we are very different. Just look at the topics that have been replied to the most, you'll see fifty different answers to a yes or no question. So you don't fuss over new lipstick shades or the best ways to make cleavage, I don't spend a lot of time in the trans or MTF sections, but I do read there a bit. It's enough that, whatever my interests are, I don't have to make a friend here and worry about what they might think about my choice of clothes.

MarcieM

01-16-2009, 10:28 AM

I find it interesting that some of these posts have developed a "US" vrs "Them" mentality. That's sort of sad as we all should be able to accept, help, and communicate with each other here regardless of our beliefs and comfort levels.

It's pretty much always been that and will always be that way. There are so many variations, we'll never be able to all understand each other.

Cassia-Marie

01-16-2009, 11:00 AM

It's pretty much always been that and will always be that way. There are so many variations, we'll never be able to all understand each other.

Understand? Probably not. At least not always.

Accept, help, and communicate with each other? Absolutely!

As I always like to say: "I may not be able to walk in your shoes, but I can walk next to them."

Fraye

01-16-2009, 11:29 AM

The ideas CW brings up can be, in a way, like peeling a scab off of a wound. Most people here have a very similar, templated story - urges, confusion, experimentation, recrimination, guilt, more confusion, more recrimination, unhappiness, acceptance, indulgence, happiness. To come to a place over decades in most cases where a person can understand, accept, and be happy with who they are and the choices they make is a long and arduous journey, and finding others who have shared that journey makes for a strong and powerful reaffirmation of one's life choices.

But as much as we can empathise with someone who has not followed that path, bringing the idea that what we choose is not viewed as a positive by another can threaten the choices we have made in our own lives. Having struggled to overcome feelings of guilt, self-loathing, and external negativity, to hear someone say that they think the things we do are not a positive for them - even though they share the things we do - is an uncomfortable reminder of the ways that we used to feel as well. And in that light, very few people who have made that journey can truly see a worldview where they would tell someone "I know you do what I do, and I think it's pretty okay....but yes, you shouldn't do it, even if it's for all the reasons I told myself didn't matter".

It seems like the "pink fog" is a fun thing to joke about when it relates to throwing on a pretty dress, or buying that extra skirt in the department store, or otherwise indulging in our hobby/fetish/lifestyle/life choice. But what about when it is more serious than some time shopping or that hit to the credit card? I have seen people here aggressively defend a crossdresser's right to do it at any time, any place, in front of anyone, without much visible concern for anyone else's feelings or thoughts - indeed, there is an orthodoxy among some people that any dissent or objection is a threat to our rights to be who we are. Nervermind the fact that nearly anything we could choose to do in our life is constrained by a right time, right place, right people box. Would you watch porn at work? Get drunk in front of your kids? Drive 100mph through a school zone? I would hope not, and editing yourself in these situations is by no means an indictment of doing any of these things in the appropriate venue. But we seem to aggressively defend our choices no matter what, almost as if to do otherwise would be to allow the old doubts and guilt come creeping back.

I don't think that there is any negativity to accept that this community is probably not the best resource for someone who wants to stop crossdressing, or to end their deisre to do so. There's no shame in not being all things to all people, especially with something like this, where we have all struggled to find a way to accept and live with our feelings and desire, and most of us have come to, at the very least, an uneasy truce, and at best, a full and blessed new dimension to life. If CW truly desires to find a way to stop his desires, then we have not failed to be kind, thoughtful, helpful, or supportive, and our own choices are not threatened or invalidated. We may think we know what is best with the combined weight of our own experience and worldview, but no matter what, our individual way will never be everyone's way, and our collective path to acceptance and indulgence may not be someone else's. To that end, if he wants to find a way to stop, at the end of the day, that's what he should do. None of us can say what the result might be, but finding help to be self-aware and honest with oneself is always worth it. Maybe he'll find a way to stop the desire, maybe he'll find a way to accept it, who can really say? That's really not that important, as long as he ends up happy.

TxKimberly

01-16-2009, 02:57 PM

Understand? Probably not. At least not always.

Accept, help, and communicate with each other? Absolutely!

As I always like to say: "I may not be able to walk in your shoes, but I can walk next to them."

BINGO and well said!

. . . I don't think that there is any negativity to accept that this community is probably not the best resource for someone who wants to stop crossdressing, or to end their deisre to do so. There's no shame in not being all things to all people, especially with something like this, where we have all struggled to find a way to accept and live with our feelings and desire, and most of us have come to, at the very least, an uneasy truce, and at best, a full and blessed new dimension to life. If CW truly desires to find a way to stop his desires, then we have not failed to be kind, thoughtful, helpful, or supportive, and our own choices are not threatened or invalidated. . . .

VERY well put I think.

gennee

01-16-2009, 03:12 PM

:)I started crossdressing late in life. After some initial trepidation, I came out to myself as a cd. I felt liberated and complete when I said that. I never felt any guilt or shame about it, either.

I think everyone has their own comfort level and I respect that. It's ironic that fifteen years ago, a man wearing women's clothing repulsed me. Now I have a preference for women's attire. You never know.

Gennee

Randi_TGFM

01-16-2009, 04:08 PM

I have had many heartbreaks and challenges in my life. I'm bipolar, ADD, borderline personality disorder, depression and my brain says I'm female, but that's not what I see when I look in the mirror..:).

I'm a gambling addict.. will have to work till the day I die, but you know, it doesn't matter..:).

I'm a mess, no woman, not even my first wife of 18 years who turned out to be a lesbian, but could not accept me as a woman really can deal with all my issues..:).

I do have two great dogs.. They don't care if I wear funny clothes.. they know I love them and as ****ed up as I appear to most normal people, I know God loves me..:).

I thank him for all I have experienced. The good, the bad, the sad and the heartbreaking. Every experience is a gift.. you just have to want to see it that way..:).

Be thankful,

Hugs,

Randi

Nicki B

01-16-2009, 06:29 PM

I'm positive. I think there are very few who get what this thread is about.
It's not just about purging. It's about having the desire to CD hard-wired in one's brain. There are those of us who are incapable of accepting it and find it revolting. You don't get that, do you?

Hold on there, bucko. I understand very well where you are. I've been there. Done that. Got the damn t-shirt.
Just stop -- some way, somehow -- stop torturing yourself.

It's not an issue of rights, it's an issue of not being happy with the way one feels. It's self-destructive and all the rights in the world won't change it because it's emotional and psychological, not political or social.

I deeply sympathise with CW but I'm sure that almost all of us have been there, at some time in our past. Now, the issue is what practical steps can he/she take?

I agree - I think a lot of us have been there, I know I have - but it is possible to defeat those demons in your head? It does however take time...

When you get through to the other side, though, you do wonder why you held yourself in that unhappy state for so long?

For those who got the message thanks for understanding that x-dressing isn't always puppies and ponies for all and that some of us deal with it in a negative way.

Surely the question is, how can you turn that negative into a positive?

It's an executive decision you have to make, and no one else can make it for you.

The first step is often to find other people and see for yourself that they can accept themselves - and that you're not alone?

Jonianne

01-16-2009, 07:02 PM

It is good to see a number of posts here that validate CW's feelings and also acknowledge his desire to "pull the plug" without trying to fix him. I know part of the reason he joined here was to find like minded friends that also are actively in the same quandry.

I don't know how to help him find the peace he desires. We each have our own path to follow and no two are exactly the same. What I do want to be is a listening ear and a support for whatever choice, if any, he chooses for his own life.

MarcieM

01-16-2009, 07:29 PM

I don't know how to help him find the peace he desires.
That's the whole deal. Nobody really knows how to help someone in this situation find peace. Not therapists, other CD's, etc. I can't count the number of times I've had someone tell me "well, just accept yourself". Well, duh...it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out. The million dollar question is - how do we do that when every fiber of our being tells us CD-ing is wrong? Is CD-ing really worth the shame, guilt, self-loathing it brings upon us? or is it easier to just not CD? There is no easy answer. And no easy explanation.
yes, I'm sure some of you will say I've really over-complicated this whole thing. Sorry, just trying to keep it real.

Gabrielle Hermosa

01-16-2009, 07:39 PM

I haven't read all the replies here, so if I repeat some already mentioned thoughts, please forgive me.

To address the original post of "curse within" - I once was where you are now, more or less. I think a lot of us started out like that - especially with the guilt thing.

I am not yet where I want to be, but a couple of years ago I decided to start moving forward and allowing myself to acknowledge what I am and that it is not a disease or mental illness. Most of society is not accepting of mtf crossdressers, but they were also once not accepting of the idea of a (real) woman voting or driving a car or even wearing pants! :eek:

I started shaving and going beyond the "guilt sessions". I stopped hating myself for the things I enjoyed doing. I came out to my wife and she's been exceptionally supportive of my crossdressing and even encourages it. In that regard, I consider myself very lucky as I know I a lot of wives are not accepting of cd husbands and that really bothers me.

I have a long way yet to go, but I will continue to move forward, if only in baby steps. I'm kicking myself for not pushing the go button years ago. How much better life could have been if only I stopped fighting myself years ago. What a horrible waste of time.

I hope you can some day free yourself of your dreaded "curse" and allow yourself to enjoy the beautiful feminine side you've been blessed with. You've been programmed from a young age to not be accepting of this kind of thing. Society won't accept us any time soon, but I accept you and so does every other girl (or guy if you prefer) who posted here.

There are a lot more crossdressers out there than any of us will ever know about. Just like I was a couple of years ago, they will not allow themselves to acknowledge their feminine side or even to look up places like this on the internet.

Let go of the crap your mind has been filled with and accept yourself. I bet that guilty feeling you experience will start to fade once you do. :)

MarcieM

01-16-2009, 08:42 PM

Let go of the crap your mind has been filled with and accept yourself. I bet that guilty feeling you experience will start to fade once you do.
Right....
Did I just say how many times I've heard that?
easier said than done for some of us.

TGMarla

01-16-2009, 09:10 PM

Hi. Everyone else seems to have chimed in on this already, so what I say here isn't going to matter much. I didn't want to leaf through five pages of this stuff, so I didn't read all the responses, twists, turns, and hijacks. Anyway, I don't know how old you are, but I remember sorta feeling the same way you do once. So for what it's worth, here goes.

Facts about me or people like me who will not accept Crossdressing but can't always control the urges.

1. We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.

This is true, at least it is for me. I'm not sure about people who don't know me already, but I don't let this out to people I know.

2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.

Where, here? Or do you mean everyday with everyone we know? When I'm here, I like being addressed as "she", because as sure as it's my virtual self here, when I'm on this forum, I'm usually a chick. When I'm not dressed, or banging the Forum, I'm a guy, and I am addressed that way.

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

I did, but not really anymore. I was in my twenties and early thirties when I felt that way. And since dressing usually ended in an erotic way, I think the rush of testosterone at copulation caused a surge of "male-ness" in my head, and made me feel self-loathing and shame as I undressed and got back to male-mode. I learned to feel differently about it, and for the most part, I don't feel that way anymore.

4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..

Au contraire, mon ami. I keep my legs trimmed, not shaved. But there are a whole lot of us who excercise the privilege of shaving their legs. I thin out the forest as much as I can and still get away with it. I just posted a thread on shaving our pits, and it turns out that a great many of us do that. As for other areas...well, not all women shave there, either. And I'm guessing that a lot of men do. Chest and back? Not a problem for me. Neither is my ....uh.....behind. As for wearing bras, forms, makeup and stuff, I absolutely do when I'm dressing as a woman. Otherwise, because I'm a man, I don't. Why is this an issue?

5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.

Yeah, it can be. But for most of us, I think, it grows into something more.

6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.

Don't want to be female? Don't want to act out being females? One at a time, g'friend. I want to be female. But I'm not, and I'm not going to do anything about it. And what do you mean by "act out"? You mean sex? You're right, I don't want to "act out". But then, there are some here who do. Everyone's different. Just like you! As for having nothing in common with most in this forum, well, I don't know much about you. But you're here for a reason that resonates with most of us here.

So I'd not be all bitter about it, spouting and pouting. One of these days you'll come to grips with your transgenderism, and you'll feel better, too. Here's to hoping that happens sooner than later. Hang in there.

curse within

01-16-2009, 09:11 PM

I was just thinking of a better way to approach this subject so one more time. Maybe I should have did this from the start and by no means am I pointing at any one person ..Just take this to heart, humor it if you must but no offence ..

I started a Thread a few months back called "is this place really supportive"? This one is related kinda. Keeping in mind my post here and those who understood ,I will give a few examples or senarios. Lets just say a new member came to this forum, this member either has been Married or in a relationship for 5 years and has never told his S/O he was a lifetime CDer.........

He..( I am saying he because that's how he refers to himself) has never really accept his CDing has always felt a shame of it and does not understand why he has the urges.He just battled it the best he could and gave in when the world was just too much to handle or had too many irons in the fire to fight it anymore.

While he was away his wife or s/o finds his stash and demands some answers..( This forum is very excellent at doing that sort of thing as far as support). He tells he it was something he just experimented, ( no spell check) she is broken hearted, confussed, pissed and wants a divorce. We all have heared that story. Now lets just say they decided to work through it, they love each other so much but the wife s/o DOES NOT WANT any part of it or has set some boundries. If she doesn't want any part of it and he hates in his life so much he feels he can Stop at that moment and time! He tells her "It was just something tried no worries I will never do it again". She says "great or its a divorce "..

He loves her soooo much and she is everything in the world to him and is doing his best to stop , he did so well for 6 months but doesn't know how much longer he can last.. so he comes here looking for support ..

"What do you do to fight off these urges he Threads"..

What is your replies?

Now our new member who wishes this gift would just go away isn't here to hear how great it is to X-dress.He has never wanted it in his life before he met his wife and up to the time he posted the thread..He wants to honor his wifes wishes..

How would you answer or support that? Knowing what I know now I would go to the loved ones section but him being new wouldn't know that.

Just a thought

Thanks

C.W.

Gabrielle Hermosa

01-16-2009, 09:16 PM

Right....
Did I just say how many times I've heard that?
easier said than done for some of us.

You're absolutely correct. We're all different people with different abilities, skills, mindsets, and opinions.

There are crossdressers who were light years beyond where I am now before they were 20 (I'm well beyond 20). There are crossdressers who finally came to terms with who and what they are in midlife. There are crossdressers who will never allow themselves to accept who and what they are and will always think of their urges as some kind of horrible disease they wish they could be rid of and they will take that to their death bed.

I'm no expert on this and won't pretend to be, but when I accepted who and what I am, a lot of guilt and self-hatred went away. There's still the social intolerance that I must work around and that's not easy. To be honest, it scares the hell out of me.

I'm sorry that you and many other people find it so difficult to accept yourself. A lot of people don't accept themselves for a zillion other reasons too. Maybe they don't think they're good enough, smart enough, or too ugly, or have a drug addiction they can't shake, etc.

I truly hope the day comes when you can accept who and what you are. And if it does not, I pray that you will at least find some way to come to terms with those parts of your being that you want to be rid of.

My road in life has never been an easy one and there are many things I choose not to share with people in a public forum. Life's kicked my ass all over the place, but I'm still alive and I'm still fighting. I'm not perfect. I don't have my life all together. I'm not even close to where I want to be in life. I'm working on it though. Maybe I've got one or two things worked out in my life that you don't yet. I bet you've got things worked out in your life that other people haven't yet as well.

One way or anther, I hope you can find the peace you need in your life. :)

curse within

01-16-2009, 09:21 PM

Gabrielle Hermosa

01-16-2009, 09:31 PM

I was just thinking of a better way to approach this subject so one more time....

He tells her "It was just something tried no worries I will never do it again". She says "great or its a divorce "..

He loves her soooo much and she is everything in the world to him and is doing his best to stop , he did so well for 6 months but doesn't know how much longer he can last.. so he comes here looking for support ..

I don't believe this scenario has a happy ending.

If I understand correctly, the question is how can a crossdresser fight the need to crossdress so that his unaccepting wife (or SO), who means everything to him, does not leave him.

The answer is probably A) he will learn how to be more careful in the future because crossdressing is something one can not be "cured" of. B) An ugly divorce will ensue. I say ugly because divorce is never easy and often causes financial hardship in addition to the emotional devastation.

I am one of the lucky ones because my wife is accepting. For those who have a wife or SO that is not accepting, a difficult path lies ahead. Life isn't fair and a happy ending will not always be possible. Then again, that depends on where the real ending is.

A broken marriage or relationship is the end of one chapter in life. It doesn't need to be the final chapter in life. I've watched family members go through divorce, experience the pain and hardship of it, and find new love and be happier in the new relationship.

I'm sorry. I don't have any good advice to offer. I wish I did, but crap is crap and no matter what color you paint it, it still stinks. For what it's worth, I'll pray for you for that is all I can offer. I do care even if I cannot help.

curse within

01-16-2009, 09:51 PM

Gabrielle,

Thank you, great advice BTW..Beats the hell out of ..It's your body your life your wife is the one with the problem not you... That remark will ruffle some feathers I am sure ..Not everyone replies in that manner and once again my point is not everyone is happy about crossdressing. I will take your advice over some telling me my wife has the problem but that's just me.. That story wasn't about me either just so you know..

What I am trying to get accross here is, I know there are many better yet a majority of folks out there ,that are like me not as Cding in a whole either.. They fight it off everyday trying to keep peace within themselfs and their familys. Remaining in the closet and feeling the quilt .. This thread was for those folks but only proved that a majority of this section MTF can not understand why we choose to want the urges to go away.. That's fine like I said I love this place, I am a little slow but I'm not asking for change here. I will also take the percentage that do understand . I don't push anyone to hate it (cding), I know most think it's the best thing that ever happen to them and want to share the joy. But a lot of us don't , this thread was for them..

CandyDarling

01-16-2009, 10:51 PM

What, in the case of the creator of this agonising thread, appears to my modest but exceptionally learned opinion, to be classic case of 'transvestic fetishism,' does not often nor necessarily progress beyond that stage of self loathing to the more congenial form of semi-acceptance which most true transgendered cross dressers achieve in time. Often the transvestic fetishist becomes what is known as "Trauma Bonded" with the searing shame he feels at the end of what is almost always an erotic experience for him.

The shame itself (and its associated emotions) becomes the attraction - the dressing simply a means to that twisted end - he becomes bound to repeat the behavior to seek that nurturing primal shame again and again and again.

Often, this bond reflects a deeply repressed maternal displeasure expressed by a mother who was (often unintentionally) emotionally abusive.

The subject does not even begin to recognize that the trauma-bond has occurred but subconsciously seeks the reward of the shame and guilt, which is his primary recognition technology, of a maternal love expressed as displeasure to a little boy. This is a condition that can respond well to an activating serotonin inhibitor such as Welbutrin.

Can you believe how incredibly hot I look in my new pix? Love to all sisters.

LeannL

01-16-2009, 11:17 PM

CW, your second statement of the problem is very different than how the first was stated.

First, I think that most here will admit that CDing has, one way or another or many ways, brought pain into our lives. My biggest desire is to not bring pain into other's lives because of it and I think most here will agree with that also.

Life is full of compromises and the situation you presented with the CD and his wife really didn't present such an option. Someone is a CDer or not a CDer. It is not something that can be removed with a scalpel. The situation you describe will end in divorce unless the CD is extremely restrained and extremely careful so as to not get caught for 50 years. Not likely to happen. The situation you described would be akin to the wife finding out that the husband wore contacts that made his eyes look blue only to find out they were brown and she doesn't want to be married to a brown-eyed husband.

This may sound like a stretch but I don't think so because CDing is not something we choose to be and, just like being brown-eyed, not inherently evil, harmful or destructive. It is society's norms (generally based upon ignorance or fear of the unknown) that make us think that it is. (I have been reading a lot of editorials about the anti-gay marriage push right now they remind us of the anti-interracial marriage laws of the past. Both are/were put in place out of fear and ignorance but are basically wrong.) The CD is who he is and will remain that way (we haven't found the pill to remove it yet. more on this later.) It took me a long time to come to grips that God made me this way for a reason. After I understood that I can't change myself, I am now trying to find out the reason and purpose. I cannot stress too much that the CD must understand who they are even if they are not happy with who they are. They then hopefully will begin to understand that they are unhappy with whom they are not because they are bad but because society doesn't understand them and often doesn't have a place for them. (Something I truly believe is changing BTW.) Humans have an inherent need to fit in and we don't yet.

As I said, the hypothetical marriage will likely end in divorce if there is no compromise and I would propose that the CD must be willing to come more than half way. The wife has to accept her husband for who he is - a CD - because it will never change. That means that he will need to dress at times. If she doesn't want to see it then he has to respect the request if he wants to keep the marriage. If he truly wants to keep the marriage, he needs to make sure that the chances of his wife seeing him dressed is 0.0000% and not 0.0001% because he must respect her needs also. This is the extreme compromise that reflects the reality of CDing and a wife that doesn't want to see it. However, if the marriage is what is most important then that is what it takes IMHO.

Now hearkening back to some of the other early statements, understanding oneself is key to making this work. Understanding that you were born a CD and there is nothing you can do about it is the first thing to achieve. Second, understanding that there is no valid value judgment associated with being a CD is next. Some in society incorrectly place negative values as I have already stated but they are wrong. Once you have come to understand who you are and that it is neither good or bad, then it is much easier to deal with it. For example, there have been many mornings that I get in the shower, think about how it would be nice to get "dressed" but then remind myself that today I am a CD who is not going to practice CDing because I love my wife (who isn't ready to see me CDed.) This is much easier once I began to understand who I was and didn't allow society to tell me that it was bad.

I mentioned about about the pill to take away CDing. Would I take the pill? Yes but not because I don't want to be a CD. I would take it because I don't want my possible screw ups being a CD and interacting with a misunderstanding society to hurt those around me.

I hope this helps.

curse within

01-16-2009, 11:18 PM

Candy,

I can really buy that therory, very interesting and explains a lot. What I mean is That could be the reason in the desire to want to dress and then can't take the stupid SH*t off fast enough when the deed is done.. Also the lack of having little or no fem feelings ..

Vey good..

curse within

01-16-2009, 11:37 PM

Fraye

01-16-2009, 11:59 PM

CW, in the example you gave above - it's simple:

Life is a series of choices. We make these choices, sometimes under duress, sometimes willfully, sometimes unconsciously. But whether we want to or not, whether we are aware or not, we make them.

In your example, the husband makes a choice: What is more important to his life? His wife and family, or his crossdressing? Remove any question about whether it is moral or correct of his wife to make that be the choice. Right or wrong, the choice has been presented. And so the husband will choose his wife, or his crossdressing, and has to live with the consequences of that choice, whether they be good or bad, helpful or harmful. This is not a question of morality, tolerance, or indeed, good manners. This does not presuppose that the husband or wife will be able to deal constructively or positively with their choice. This does not mean they will be successful with their choices. But the choice will be made, one way or the other.

Your comments appear to have an undertone of frustration that you are not getting your point across. I think in a lot of ways, your viewpoint runs counter to the majority here, and again, that is neither right nor wrong. Most of us strive to find a way to accept this part of ourselves, and to find a way we can fit it into our world and that of the people around us. That this seems opposite of what you appear to desire can be difficult to deal with, as with anything where the majority runs counter to the minority.

I would, however, say that you are making your choice as regards this every day. Whether you choose to indulge it in the grips of self-loathing, whether you choose to try to accept it, or choose to try to reject it, every time you think about it, talk about it, or pick up that piece of clothing, you're making a choice. I would hazard a piece of advice, and that is to look into yourself, with an unflinching and honest eye, by yourself or with assistance of a professional, and look at your choices, and how you can either make better ones, or make the ones you have decided on work better for you.

I saw you comment a few pages back that you tried some professional help and it didn't work. I am the last person to think counseling is an end-all be all panacea for everything that ails us; indeed, I mistrust most psychiatrists and psychologists. But at the same time, I believe that being self-aware and self-honest is something that is hard to acheive alone and in a vacuum, so consider trying again. At the very least, stick around with the people here who do understand you, if only to vent the things you feel with honesty and little chance of harm.

Best of luck,

Alice Torn

01-17-2009, 12:02 AM

CW, It is obvious you are in a sqirrel cage, the crazymaking merry-go round. I can relate some.. If there was a pill I could take, to end all desire to dress, I would take it! It can easily take over our lives. I came from a sexual shaming background. I have never had sex with anyone, ever. For me, I feel that my family was cursed.. None of my siblings has a spouse, or SO, and I am the youngest, at 54!!! I have tried to befriend hundreds of women, did date a fair amount, in my 30's, but never had a match. I dressed the first time, about age 14, and the guilt, shame, self-loathing, was awful. Even, when i simply "relieved" sexual energy, not dressing, I felt guilt, and shame, felt condemmned. I was taught that sex was dirty. I drew pictures of my "dream woman", for decades. Finally, in my 40's, I bought some hose, wore them, them , stopped, until 2002. I always said, like a drunk, "I'll quit". The church i am with, concemns cding, and all sex outside of hetero marriage, so, that has been a struggle. After hearing an old man, named Roy Masters, late at night, on the radio, I ordered his meditation tape, called "Be still, and know." Some of the tape is hardhitting, and hurts, but, it is effective, for many. His website, is FHU.com. I don't agree with everything he says, but, there are some helpful things. I have come to the reality, that I really am different, abnormal, odd, and my whole family is that way. I get so upset, that I have not been granted a loving, pretty, understanding gg mate, and probably never will, barring a miracle! I do not have much sex desire, anymore, at all, and I don't have the energy or motivation to dress more than once, or twice a month. I don't like having the "curses", of not having a gg, and the desire to look like the attractive lady i desire. At six feet six,, and 255 lbs, I am just to big, to pass, so I am 99.99% in the closet, and single, and very depressed often, and lonely. I do take meds for depression, and bipolar. I have a lot of anger, and issues, that could take years, if not a lifetime, to deal with. My dad never wanted me, and always resentd me. He did not want sons. There is an old proverb, that says, "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and none can share its joy." It seems like the baby boom generation, and after, have had to struggle more psychically, than earlier generations. I agree with an earlier post, that said, there are entities, that attack us, get into us, keep us captive. Sometimes we need to cry out loud, somewhere, for Higher Power help, too. I have always had a love/hate relationship, with my cding, but, can go much longer between sessions, with age, and time. I hope this helps. We are frail beings.

CandyDarling

01-17-2009, 12:08 AM

Look Hon - its really common. Its easy to deal with -you have a 50 gallon drum with about 4 inches of sludge in the bottom. You are going to get your hands dirty when you clean it up. Its not that big a deal. We all know that the world will laugh at our attempts at femininty and scoff at the self indulgent silliness - we would be humiliated by the gays and the straights- "deviant" they would say. Well - we are not really deviant we are just part time girls. As much as we all want to stand up and say - Here's who we are !! We are good people !!" No one cares - when found out we will be humiliated and teased - talked about endlessly and our reputation and our family's reputation will NEVER recover. This is private behavior. Like most of us here this powerful and really, I think undeniable, urge started when I was young. It has gone up and down and latley much more up than down. I believe that - there is not a choice involved on being a cross dresser. However -the behavior is ilusionary and self indulgent beyond the essential nesesarry expression of the feeling. I now find that because I engage in the "community" on line a bit - the desire is much stronger and deeper. I do not want to be "outed" and all the humiliation that would bring. I have had some experience with this and it is universally bad. We are just fodder for jokes and snide remarks. I need to be Candy Darling sometimes - but not as much as Candy Darling would like me to be. That wild girl needs very, very VERY strict limits or she will expand and expand. I must stand strong on my own boundaries or the "girl inside" will dominate my personality. Be careful.
As to your marriage - you will be found out. There is no good answer to how to deal - at least if you are discoverd the cat is out of the bag and the facts must then be faced and dealt with. It sucks. It happened to me. Horrible but I am still very happily married. A strong relationship will always survive this little character defect. Don't worry so much - get a script for 475 mg Wellbutrin. Do the work you need to do to get down in the bottom of that 50 gallon drum and roll around in that sludge - own it -acknowledge it - it will then dissipate and you will begin to see the balance. If we gave in to every urge - every time we'd all be junkies and drunks because we had a mean Mommy or sombody yelled at us when we were 5. You do well to resist from time to time. Stand strong - love your wife -be good to yourself. It could be soooo much worse. So --- you didn't tell me you like my new pic !!!!!!

LeannL

01-17-2009, 12:14 AM

Leann,

Thanks for the post and the effort in trying to help..But I really don't think you understand or missed the point ...That example I used happens in here seen it and everyone will not get an accepting wife and if so boundaries in some are still suppressed in some cases.

Thanks again

C.W.

CW,

Maybe we are getting hung up on a definition. I consider an unaccepting wife as one who will not be married to a CD under any circumstance. So in your case, assuming discloser is after the wedding, the outcome is inevitably divorce based upon the wife's actions. A tolerating wife sets boundaries which can span the spectrum from don't show me to lets do it together. Then the CD must make the choice between accepting the boundaries or preserving the marriage. However, just as in the case of the wife, a CD who is unwilling to accept compromise, given that the wife is compromising (based upon society's screwed up norms) by tolerating, the CD should be willing to compromise. Otherwise, again, divorce is the logical outcome based upon the CD's actions.

CandyDarling

01-17-2009, 12:17 AM

Tye - Lucille.
You move me. Really. Can you see a little bit that through the way we can share here - the compassion we extend to each other with this strange common bond -that there may be a little tiny silver lining in this cloud?
Peace and deep respect for you.

curse within

01-17-2009, 12:18 AM

Tye,

Thank you for the post, I need to ask why people think there is something wrong with me or that I am venting ? I am fine to be honest I must be comming accross in the wrong way through typing .. I feel great thanks tho for you concerns ..

As for the example .. You gave very good advise but not much support..You know how I would help this new member? I would start off by saying ..How long have you been CDing? How many times have you tried to stop? (As we all know there is no end).. You need to see a Sexual Idenity Therapist, I would tell him, if you havn't already done so.. You need to be open and honest with your wife , explain in detail your level of dressing and if your plan includes progressing , to your wife. Ask if she would attend a therapist meeting with you or alone..Let her know your marriage means more to you than your dressing and that you are the same man she knew before except she now knows an embarrassing secret about you.Let her know that you would love it if she would see someone professionaly as well as gather information about Crossdressing before she commited to any rash decissions..

But thats just me..

Fraye

01-17-2009, 12:32 AM

Well and good.

To me, I would think the opposite...I believe I gave you support, and not much in the way of advice.

I personally don't believe in just flat out telling people what they should do. Outside of this place, I offer my support to my friends and others who ask for it by listening to what they say, and hopefully helping to clarify and isolate how they feel, so they can tell themselves what they should or shouldn't do. For me to do otherwise, is to simply impress my worldview on them without much thought or effort in any other direction. I believe that most people are well equipped to make their own choices; it's all of the static that comes from the day to day world around them that clouds the issue.

As for your tone - I did not mean to imply there was something wrong with you. For me, the terms "frustration" and "venting" are morally neutral - they are just adjectives and verbs, with no good or bad, right or wrong attached to them. I actually think, if anything, they are helpful - they help to clarify, cut through, and isolate issues. A person who doesn't get frustrated could bang their head against the same wall a million times without thinking anything was wrong, and a person who doesn't just let out what they think without any need for societal niceties or filters from time to time will more likely as not end up......well...we all know how that one goes.

curse within

01-17-2009, 12:35 AM

Candy.......Your pic looks awsome....Thanks agin for the post..

curse within

01-17-2009, 12:41 AM

ColleenShivas

01-17-2009, 01:34 AM

Gabrielle,

They fight it off everyday trying to keep peace within themselfs and their familys. Remaining in the closet and feeling the quilt ..

The posts on this thread reinforce my thoughts that we are all going through various stages of living with the feelings that we have. The rate at which we progress depends more on the reactions of others around us than on ourselves.

Here, tentatively, is the sequence of this progression
1. Guilt - OMG there must be something wrong with me.
2. Denial - I don't need this anymore. I am a normal heterosexual male and that is how I will live.
3. Confusion - No, there is nothing wrong with me, so why does everyone make me feel like there is?
4. Anger - It's not my fault, I was born this way. Why can't everyone else just accept that?
5. Acceptance - OK so this is not considered normal behavior so I will learn to restrict myself.
6. Compromise - I need to do this, but the people around me will only let me go so far. I will go as far as they let me, and keep gently pushing the boundaries.

kathrynjanos

01-17-2009, 02:42 AM

Is it just me ??? Am I the only one on this board that has a negitive attitude about crossdressing?? I'd first like to say that if you are happy about dressing and expressing yourself or trying to pass yourself as a female, knock yourself out... I am only communicating through a piece of plastic going out somewhere in never never land... Why would I care?? Not like I would ever met or judge anyone in person anyways to impact anyones life.

This is a place where people can gain support for Crossdressing , I've learned that as I went along, this place meaning MTF forum...I thought I was mis lead after I joined this site but started to get the picture as I progressed,yes I am a little slow..

Facts about me or people like me who will not accept Crossdressing but can't always control the urges.

1. We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.

2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..

5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.

6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.

I am sure there are many more facts I am just wondering why there isn't a support forum for the closet CDers we need support but of a different nature. I am Just curious for those who lurk, IS IT JUST ME???

THIS THREAD IS FOR THOSE WHO I HAVE DIRECTED IT TO, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE SO THOSE WHO THIS ISN'T DIRECTED TO PLEASE DON'T GET YOUR KNICKERS IN A TWIST.

C.W.

Hiya,

I'm just gonna put in my opinion, and take this with the same lack of offense you offered to us.

I don't think that you're the only one who has a negative opinion of crossdressing who does it. In fact, I think it's safe to say that many people who do it started at some point in doubt or fear of what they were doing. I know that I and many other CDs did not understand their urges when they began, and in fact, I too was disgusted (at least on its face) by what I wanted to do.

Then I gave it a chance to go where it was going. I did some research. I found out that there were people who did this and who weren't just dudes in women's clothes, ugly and unfitting. In fact, some out there could pass for women on relatively close inspection. So I figured maybe it's not so unnatural.

Are you the only one here now? Maybe. But wanna know what I really think? I think that you're heading in the right direction, towards some degree of acceptance and self expression. Don't be so negative, really, and I mean that positively. Give it a chance.

What has been said here in other posts is partially correct. You are, most likely, in your first stages of this. You don't understand why you're doing this, and your natural will to fight it has kicked in on overdrive, so you're being as contrarian as possible about it. Read here for someone else's better organized thoughts about it, it helped me:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/cd_crossdresser.htm

My advice: If only for once, stop fighting it. Stop thinking of it as disgusting and worrisome and unnatural, and whatever else society taught you about it. Dress up in something that makes you feel pretty or sexy. If you feel aroused by it, just don't do anything about it. Separate it from the sexual aspect for yourself. It's what I did, and then I stopped feeling disturbed by it. Just... try it.

Nicki B

01-17-2009, 07:08 AM

That's the whole deal. Nobody really knows how to help someone in this situation find peace. Not therapists, other CD's, etc. I can't count the number of times I've had someone tell me "well, just accept yourself". Well, duh...it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out. The million dollar question is - how do we do that when every fiber of our being tells us CD-ing is wrong? Is CD-ing really worth the shame, guilt, self-loathing it brings upon us? or is it easier to just not CD? There is no easy answer. And no easy explanation.

No, there's no easy, instant, answer - but there is an answer? Many of us have found it.. No one can do it for you (although they can help), and it may take you a few years, but you have to want to change and then go about trying - over and over again, one small step at a time? Often the acceptance of others comes before acceptance of self.

Honestly? You don't sound as if you really want to - that you're comfortable (or too worried of change) where you are..

How would you answer or support that?

Well there's no point in telling lies, is there? It's not going to go away, there is no pill - so pretending the elephant isn't in the room isn't a workable long-term answer? :strugglin

Relationships don't work well on lies and hiding part of yourself, so the regular advice here would be 'come out and both of you start accepting yourself as you really are'...

There are plenty of life events that have to be accepted, in a similar way - try dealing with life-threatening illnesses, for a start?

There is a compromise position that you can live with (it varys for every individual). But you can't find it unless you go looking for it in the first place?

tvbeckytv

01-17-2009, 07:34 AM

If you dislike dressing so much, why do you do it? Being a CD is not something you were born with! We dress because we like to! At least most of do. Some, a few, do it for sexual reasons or because they really want to become a woman. But IMHO the greater number of us do it simply because we like to. And don't tell you cannot stop. Yes you can, if you really want to! I did stop cold turkey some years ago. Purged everything and did not dress for several years. So why am I dressing now, you ask? Because my wife missed Stephanie, that's why! She literally begged me to start dressing again, even to the point of spending her own money to buy me new clothes.

are you serious?
i dont know if it is something you can be born with, but you can develop the "condition" very early in life, and for many it is a compulsion, not a choice.
how you deal with it is the only choice you have.

sarahNZ

01-17-2009, 07:44 AM

I know it is hard to understand where I am coming from with this thread...

To me Crossdressing is like a drug addiction I am not a junkie but I think I have to do it... To most in here Crossdressing is better than money and they can't have enough until they are the prettiest girl ...See the difference?? I really thank you all for your support but my kind of support is why I hate it so much not why I love it so much.. I will never change I will never leave the closet even if accepted in soceity.. I am more male by far than female but sometimes that bit*h gets in my way.

Thanks all

C.W.

Am I the only one here that understands the nature of this thred?... Fear not Curse within I do understand exactly what you are saying... My story is some what similar, My Ex wife if asked would tell you that my dressing was the beginning of the end of our relationship, but what she still doesn't understand (and probably never will now) is that my need to dress was just that... I did not want it, Sarah just takes over for a while, and when she is done with my body I am rather discusted with myself that I could not control my own urges under her control, bitch! (thats miss bitch to you a-hole) The main difference between you and I Curse is that I have the makeup and the forms to keep the bitch sorry "miss bitch" happy when she does take over. What can I say... Glutton for punishment?!

TxKimberly

01-17-2009, 10:56 AM

MarcieM

01-17-2009, 12:52 PM

Honestly? You don't sound as if you really want to - that you're comfortable (or too worried of change) where you are..
Again, you demonstrate that you simply "don't get it". Please stop making assumptions.

This is NOT a great place for those looking for a way to stop - that's just not the focus of this forum.

That's not the focus of this forum or any other forum. Because...there is no way to stop. oh, I dunno...a frontal lobotomy maybe?
But short of that, you and I both know this is like the mafia. You're in for life.
Sure, one can stop the physical act of CD-ing, but stop thinking about it?
yeah, right.

Olivia2

01-17-2009, 04:51 PM

This is even a great place for support if you want the camaraderie of speaking with others that share your "affliction" and even your feelings and opinion about it.
This is NOT a great place for those looking for a way to stop - that's just not the focus of this forum.
The bad news is, I have no idea where you can go if you want help to quite cross dressing.

CW,
It seems this forum (and this thread) has certainly tried to address TX Kimberly's first point and has not been afraid of touching on the second point as well as the third. Your courageous posts have elicited mostly supportive and positive responses and hopefully has paved the way for more discussions that run the risk of offending some on this site (hopefully, no one is hurt or offended as that should never be the goal of honest discussion).

CW, I'm not sure whether you were asking for help on how to eliminate CD'ing from your life or whether you were simply wondering whether anyone else on this site feels like you do.

It seems from the responses that there are many on this site who feel in some part, if not completely, as you do. I have been crossdressing for 35 years and as I already stated earlier, my behavior for the most part parallels yours as listed in your first post. My name on this site was chosen rather randomly and I do not use a feminine name for myself. I also listed some organizations which might assist you in eliminating or reducing CD'ing in your life.

Some on this forum, including you, indicated that CD'ing is a compulsion. For others, it is not at this point in their lives. If you view it as a compulsion, I again suggest that a 12 step group like Sex Addicts Anonymous might be worth a try. You could attend several meetings without saying a word or revealing anything about yourself to see if any of it resonates with you. Patrick Carnes has written several excellent books, such as Out of the Shadows which you might check out first if you wish.

To use an example, most of us I would guess believe that masturbating in and of itself is harmless. For some, it becomes a compulsion and they decide they must take steps to reduce its control over their lives. Drinking alcohol is also like this. The same might be said of crossdressing for some people at some points in their lives.

This forum has people all over the spectrum of crossdressing, from fetishism to those who consider themselves transgendered. We may not have everything in common but hopefully we can find some things in common that we can identify with. Hopefully, we can celebrate and support both those who are happy with where they are in their lives and those who wish to change.

curse within

01-17-2009, 05:50 PM

CW, I think the intent of both of your posts were pretty clear, at least to me. It all boils down to "If I want to stop cross dressing, where do I go for help?" mixed in with "Is this the place/this is not the place" for that sort of help.

This is a great place for support if you want help to accept what you are.
This is even a great place for support if you want the camaraderie of speaking with others that share your "affliction" and even your feelings and opinion about it.
This is NOT a great place for those looking for a way to stop - that's just not the focus of this forum.
The bad news is, I have no idea where you can go if you want help to quite cross dressing. I'd be delighted to help you if I had a clue, but I don't. I DO wish you the very best of luck and hope you find some way to peace of mind, be it by quiting or by accepting.

TXKimberly,

Thank you ,yes you got the point well part of it anyways but I was wondering if it was not just me .I believe there are many others who feel the way that I do.. Now please don't get me wrong this isn't slinging mud towards any group of people and no doubt this is a great forum directed mainly to the folks who want and accept dressing in their lives..

Just as you would like to be understood about dressing I and others would like to be understood about dis likeing it ...I am sure we would like to hear other opinions rather than there must be something wrong with us in accepting our lives with Xdressing. All I hear (READ) is I am in denial, I am angry so on and so on for the most part from some..

I am going to start another Thread about this as well so please no need for some folks to get thier feathers ruffled.. Fair warning to those who are thinned skinned .My new Thread will point out the differances in Male Cders and Male Crossdressing Transgenders..Yes there are differances..

That's all

pauline11

01-17-2009, 06:13 PM

Well my knickers are not in a twist no way , As I am happy to be dressed , shave in all the places females do , Get depressed After I have to change back to male mode , long to called by my female name , BUT then I am on hormones and loving it :love:

Nicki B

01-18-2009, 12:02 AM

Again, you demonstrate that you simply "don't get it". Please stop making assumptions.

Then perhaps you might explain further, rather than so often saying as little as possible about yourself.. And also making assumptions?

deja true

01-18-2009, 09:09 AM

curse within

01-18-2009, 09:36 AM

CW...despite your constantly stated position that you don't want to offend anyone, you're actually starting to offend me.

"You just don't get it." is a dismissive mantra that you're using to allow yourself to ignore a lot of very insiteful and sympathetic commentary here. Especially since, as most who have posted in response to your OP have agreed with you about the depth of shame and guilt and "not rightness" that they have also experienced, just like you!

Is it they have been able to get over it and accept themselves and you are unable to?

What makes you so adamant in apparently not even wanting to try to accept yourself for what you are? Are you a fundamentalist preacher? Are you the ultimate alpha male in your community? What are you afraid of?

We get it alright! We get that you are opposed to change in your own mind, even change that could make your life a lot happier for yourself and those around you.

One so-so experience with a therapist doesn't mean that therapy can't ultimately help you with your negative or 'contrarian' mind set. You just gotta find one that youre more in tune with.

Candy Darling's post at #110 (which is one of the only ones that you actually agreed with) probably got it right. You're addicted to SHAME!

That's not nearly as healthy as being addicted to Vicoria's Secret catalogs...

:straightface:

Although I agree'd to Candys suggestion I'm not addicted to shame.. I will buy the OCD therory tho... Is it so hard to believe that people do not wish to progress thier lifestyle (crossdressing) or feed what most would consider a disgusting habit?

I am very happy for the folks here that do wish to further thier lifestyle by going out in public or spendind a day as a woman .. I understand that not wanting to get dressed up doesn't fit in this forum , I understand you girls (men) have spent a lifetime fighting for understanding and are very fast to be offended if someone has a negative attitude towards dressing..

But don't forget we are all suppose to fit into this label together I do not tell you that dressing is unhealthy for you even though I think it is more unheathy than me not dressing but thats my opinion.

Thanks for the post:D