worried about mental health

[Apple of Eris]

i'm not really asking for any advice from this thread. i don't really know if i intend to get anything out of it, but i just need a place to put my thoughts where at least others might understand. so i guess consider this a vent, and if you have any helpful stuff to say, all the better.

i'm beginning to grow a lot more concerned over my well-being with all of my gender issues. i've been back and forth on the fence over whether i want to transition since i was 5 or 6. for three-quarters of my life, i've been afraid to let the people closest to me know that i don't feel right as myself. up until i joined this forum, i thought that i was just abnormal, and that nobody would accept me for how i felt about myself, and still that feeling's still sticking with me. it's led to a long history of self-loathing and destructive behavior. since i was young, i would hurt myself in any way i could find, i still fight urges for self-mutilation (and frequently lose), i still wonder about what i really want, i still fear that no matter what i do i'll never feel right as myself, and even now, as i finish my 9th drink in two hours, (on a wednesday, with class to attend tomorrow) i'm no closer to making healthy decisions for coping than i am to figuring out what's right for me.

even though i know i'm way ahead of the curve for people who think they're too late to transition, i still feel like i'll never be able to pass, no matter how i tried. aside from being short and tiny, i'm not even remotely feminine in appearance, i have a cro-magnon brow, shoulders twice as wide as my hips, wide, stubby hands, and a neck that's actually wider than my head, and even one of those can tip someone off as being abnormal for a girl, let alone all of them.

i don't know if i'll ever really be ok with myself, no matter what i do. i don't know if i'm "transgender" or just something completely separate, totally unsatisfied no matter what i am. but i'm afraid that there's no way i can keep on going the direction i'm aimed , because there' s really no good that can come of feeling like this forever.

i also wish i had a witty, clever way of ending this on a high note. just imagine that here.

[jillleanne]

Hi hon, you didn't mention your age or location so providing you with contacts that deal with your issues on a professsional level is difficult. I can now however, give you a little support however. From what you posted, it sounds like you are suffering with GID( gender identity disorder) and I'm surprised someone in your family has not picked up on your issues in general, or have they?
You seem to have two issues, one being your inner self does not match your outer self, and the other is you do not believe you will 'pass' as a female because of your male physical attributes. Let me remind you, there are many genetic women that do not pass as females also. The latter can be put on hold for the time being as it is superficial to your mental health in the long run. The concern you should concentrate on now is getting yourself to an experienced gender therapist who can help you figure out who you are and what you can do about it. Then when you have that issue resolved, you can improve your appearance to a level of self acceptance. If you think about it for a moment, many gender enhanced people( cd's for slang) are simply illusionists, attempting to project a female image through a male self, with regards to their image.
Know there are thousands of people just like you going through the same thing as you; it is not abnormal, but rather a self discovery that needs to be addressed as soon as possible for your happiness and inner peace.
Drop me a line anytime and I will do all I can to assist you.
Hugs, Jill

[Carole Cross]

I have felt the same as you about transitioning for the past 28 years, since I was 12. I have considered suicide in the past but I have come to accept who I am and although I will probanly never pass, I am going ahead with my transition because I can't live this way any more without at least giving it a try.
Not all GGs look like supermodels, in fact most of them don't but they accept their faults for the most part. Obviously it is different for people like us as we feel we have to look better than the average GG to pass.
I would suggest that maybe you should get in touch with a therapist who specialises in gender disorders. Don't make the mistake that I did and try to 'fit in' with the gender you were born with if you feel that you may be or are TS. You need to speak to someone who understands what you are going through. :hugs: