Wanting some help, and a little support

[DaJe]

Well, tonight, I've just been feeling so confused with myself. And just so frantic in my thoughts. I'm just looking for people to dicsuss this with, but I just can't find the right people. I don't even know where to look for people on here. I think this is the place for me here though, in the transsexual area.


To learn a bit about me, take a look at my introduction post here http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=98365


And that's where it all started too. Lately, I've just been feeling really different, and just confused about myself. And I don't know what to do, because this is really the first time I've ever been unsure about something regarding myself.


I ended up kind of going into a bit of a rant in that other thread too, as you can see here.


On that note, I'm confusing myself now. I'm still young, and I used to think I understood everything about myself, but now I just don't know. This seems to be more of a period of self discovery for me than I thought.


Like, I'm wondering is the transsexual part of this site is where I want to be. The thing is, I want to make myself more girly; my appearence more girly and feminine, like a girly-boy. I want to become like that, and stay like that, and not just occasionally wear pretty clothes or something. I want to have girls jeans, and wear panties under them, and grow my hair just a little bit longer and try on some makeup.


I guess, basically, the thing is, well, I don't know. I don't know if I should consider myself transsexual or not. I don't know how far I intend to go with it, but it's just something I've been wanting to do for a long time.


This is the first time I've ever been confused about myself like this, and I don't know what to do now. This whole sudden feeling of confusing just came to me. Hopefully I'm not causing any trouble by posting this in this thread.





So now I've settled on it I think. I'm here in the transsexual section just seeking guidance on all of this. Sorry if I sound a little all over the place with this though.

[GypsyKaren]

Don't get hung up on what you want your appearance to be, forget about the clothes, just work on how you feel inside and who you are. Be open and be honest, both with yourself and with anyone you turn to for help or advice, the answers will come.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Jessicaparkson]

Karen is right. Looks are only half (if that) of the equation. This whole thing is about who you are. Figure that out and how you look will fall in line :)

[sandra-leigh]

Like, I'm wondering is the transsexual part of this site is where I want to be. The thing is, I want to make myself more girly; my appearence more girly and feminine, like a girly-boy. I want to become like that, and stay like that, and not just occasionally wear pretty clothes or something. I want to have girls jeans, and wear panties under them, and grow my hair just a little bit longer and try on some makeup.


There is a possibility that you might be transsexual, but what you write above is within the scope of "transgendered" or "androgynous". Life isn't as easy as to divide us neatly into "plain male"; "male who happens to like playing dress-up but it doesn't 'mean' anything serious"; or "transsexual".

You might want to look over my thread in this section, the one about how do you know whether you are just a CD or are "transgendered". A number of people discussed "transsexual" as well, and it could be that in reading over my struggles to understand the middle ground, and the wide variety of responses from others, that you might discover more about yourself by determining what you are not.

There isn't really a section on for the "transgendered" or "androgynous" or "two-spirited" or "pan-gendered", but in practice the people in this section have been very patient with me in this section.

I figure that a key determining question as to whether this section is the appropriate one or not to post in, would run more or less as, "So... what are you going to do about it?" And if the answer is that you are just going to "dress up" as a hobby, just to relax and enjoy it, then the MTF crossdressing sections might be most appropriate for you -- but if you find that you are changing your public or physical gender "because you need to", then one of the transsexual forums might be most conducive to discussing the related issues.

[Chari]

Don't try to put a label on yourself! Life is confusing enough without adding a classification. It is more important to always be comfortable, confident, and enjoy being who you are! Do what YOU feel is right without harming others. Go slowly and savor each exciting moment.

[Kelli Michelle]

Frankly, its better asking yourself these questions NOW than when you are in your 50's. Don't put a timetable on it either. Take your time, share new experiences with people, and you will figure it out. These new experiences will help you determine what you like and what you don't. Unless you delve into these things, you will always be unsure. Keep plugging away. You will get there!:hugs:

[DaJe]

I always get myself confused over the terms. Transsexual, transgendered, I can never keep it clear. Though a guess a label isn't necessary. I guess I'm only looking for a label to try and make it more clear to myself.


I mean, I'm happy with myself, from what I can tell. But I'm just becoming a little confused is the thing. And being confused is well, pretty confusing.


And here's what I do know about myself. There is one thing I've determined about how I feel. I don't want to just dress up occasionally for fun. I want to wear more feminine clothes as just my everyday attire. At the moment, I don't feel like wearing frilly dresses every day or something like that. But then, not all grisl dress like that. Some are more casual. And that's how I want to be. Girls jeans, girls underwear, girls shirts, a girls hair, and maybe even a little makeup. Right now, that's how far I feel I want to go with it.


And as for what I identify as, that's still a little confusing. I mean, I seem to identify myself as a guy. But I also don't see myself as a man. I sort of don't want people to think that I'm a man, because that's not how I feel about myself. I don't know if I want to be indentified as a complete girl, but it's more leaning towards being somewhat a girl.


I'll just leave it all at that for this post. I should go get something to eat now anyway.

[LisaM]

I felt the same way when I was younger and felt better as i got 'girlier'. But I stopped and now I wished that I hadn't stopped.

I think it is important to truly understand yourself before you do things like get married or have children; things that can stop you from ever truly understanding yourself. Keep pushing the limits of how you feel so you don't create other issues that prevent you from doing it in the future.

[DaJe]

Well as for getting married or anything like that, I don't have to worry in terms of a significant other. My boyfriend seems to fully support me in all of this, and understands I need to try stuff and will let me do whatever I need to.

[DaJe]

There isn't really a section on for the "transgendered" or "androgynous" or "two-spirited" or "pan-gendered", but in practice the people in this section have been very patient with me in this section.

I'm sure I can find some help here, and despite this being primarily a crossdressing site, it does have this trans section. Does anyone know perhaps of some forums that are more geared towards the kind of thing I'm going for? Well, this place actually might suit me well enough.


And I do want to change my look, and part of why I stumbled here was because I was looking for advice on looking more feminine. And I guess that's what a lot of people here do anyway. Despite me not wanting to cross dress, but just look feminine full time, I suppose the people here still know what they're talking about.


Though a lot of times I just feel like they don't really understand what I'm going for. I don't know. Hopefully I'll get everything sorted out.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have a friend who is 5'11 weighs about 125 lbs....is married and works full time as a guy...we go out sometimes and she gets completely femme.....in fact, put a wig and some make up on her and she is totally passable, in fact pretty..she describes herself as ts-lite....i don't see it that way, she seems like a prime candidate for transition, and she watches me move forward, i can see that she is starting to wonder if she can do it..

i think she feels she can't transition for monetary reasons and marraige reasons... so she puts that to back of mind..her dysphoria isnt "that bad" and she takes alot of clorazapam...

she has chosen the middle path you describe...she wears pink hi-tops (too work!), womens jeans and womens tops(not blouses)...she's balding as a guy so she wears a cap quite often...she wears very light foundation...every day..
no hrt...she is scared to death of putting hormones in her body...

her wife has accepted this and they are a really a fun nice couple...


for you, i see no reason why you couldnt do the same...if you really are "bi" gendered or you are making your way to realizing that you are a trannsexual, you can approach it any way you like..i think you can post right here and get lots of support

take care
michele

[DaJe]

I think the thing is, I seem to be getting myself all confused about what I really want. It's just, I'm questioning myself now.

I know that for now, I at least just want to start dressing girly. I don't know how far I'd want to take it in the future.

But I guess for now, I should just calm down, and take everything slow. I think I should continue doing what I had planned. Get my hair done, slowly pick up a few new clothing items to sort of transition into a new style, then just identify as a male and look like that, and see how I like that for a while. Then maybe later on I'll decide I want to do more. I don't know. I just started confusing myself a bit too much, and I don't even know why. I just didn't know what to think anymore.

[Stlalice]

DaJe,

The only advice I'd give at this point is to find a good therapist that specializes in Gender Issues - then sit down and talk to him/her honestly about your feelings and what you want in life. Once you have figured out what you want out of life then you can start moving toward that goal - be it full MTF transition, full time as a CD, androgynous, transgenderist, or whatever. If you decide you want to pursue hormone treatment or SRS surgery you will have to do this in any case in order to get the necessary letters that most reputable doctors require before they will treat you. Better to take your time now and work things out in an orderly way than rush into doing something you might regret later. :hugs:

[DaJe]

I could actually probably ask my current psychiatrist if he could recommend me someone to talk to. Even if I don't really want to go far with it all, it still might be nice for me to just talk to someone lately. I think that's something I've been needing for a bit.


I guess what has me confused, is that I don't know where I stand. I'm not necessarily wanting to actually become a girl, but it's like, I don't feel opposed to it. But it's also, if I were to remain exactly how I am, I'd be fine with that as well. So that seems a little confusing to me.


No matter what, what I do know is that right now, I don't want to do much at all. Right now, I just want to make my appearence a little more feminine, and that's all.

[Kimberley]

Being TS is about your feelings... more than that actually, it is about your core feelings of gender. As others have said, it isnt about the clothing or makeup for us (although it is a part) it is about our personal gender identity being at total odds with our physical sexual identity.

Most of us have questioned in one form or another and if I am like the others, many times. Some of us (like myself) made a lot of bad choices that have had long running consequences.

Probably the one thing we can say is that all of us have had to struggle to come to terms with our gender identity (again in greater or lesser degrees) but we all had to walk the path of self acceptance.

In the world of trans we are a small group. Some see it as an exclusive little club. I dont. I see it as a small group with very different experiences trying to sort out our lives and to help one another through our own experiences. There isnt any right way or wrong way; only the way each of us takes. The end goal of physical transition is sometimes reached, sometimes not. The real transition is internal; it is that self acceptance of who and what we are.

It took some very very special people here and a very special psychiatrist to help me find that person and come to terms. It has also had a some high prices attached. I dont know if I will ever be able to physically transition but I do know that today I am at peace with me and that is the greatest feeling of all.

I hope you can find your path and take your time to walk along it. The journey can be very hard at times but others can be a joy. If along the way you discover you arent TS then you have made a great discovery about yourself. If you find you are then you have opened another very long path to follow.

Walk slowly, keep your eyes and ears open and your mind accepting of all points of view before making your own decisions. It will serve you well.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Nicki B]

I'm still young, and I used to think I understood everything about myself, but now I just don't know.

Why would you expect to know everything about yourself? We never stop learning and discovering.. :)


I want to wear more feminine clothes as just my everyday attire. At the moment, I don't feel like wearing frilly dresses every day or something like that. But then, not all grisl dress like that. Some are more casual. And that's how I want to be. Girls jeans, girls underwear, girls shirts, a girls hair, and maybe even a little makeup. Right now, that's how far I feel I want to go with it.

Then why not try that, for a while - and then see how you feel? Goes as far as you need, but no further - and you will only know how far is too far for you, when you get there..

[DaJe]

That's what I'm going to do for now. I'm just going to do what I always planned. Except this time I'm actually going to start doing stuff, without being scared of doing it.


I guess I'll still have to head over to the Male to Female Crossdressing area anyway for some advice, even if I don't consider myself a crossdresser. I just feel that they might not understand the whole look I'm going for though.


Like, I know what I want, but I don't know how to do it. I'm not sure where I could find some new clothes in the style I'd like, or how to really pick them out.