"I feel like I lost my protector"......

[Jess_cd32]

Has anyone elses SO said that once you came out to them?
That's what mine said amoung the usual other deragatory things tonight, its been two weeks now since I came out to her.
I dressed tonight BTW which brought most of this about, she made the move to come see me dressed, I didn't push it on her.

She KNOWS better so why throw this up in my face? Spite? Hurt?
Telling me that was a huge insult!

Wonder now whats comming next:brolleyes:

[Stephanie Scott]

Has anyone elses SO said that once you came out to them?
That's what mine said amoung the usual other deragatory things tonight, its been two weeks now since I came out to her.
I dressed tonight BTW which brought most of this about, she made the move to come see me dressed, I didn't push it on her.

She KNOWS better so why throw this up in my face? Spite? Hurt?

Wonder now whats comming next:brolleyes:

Jess,

Those feelings of hers are not unreasonable. One of the characteristics that many women value in their husbands or boyfriends is the role of protector. Physical security is a very important issue to most women, I think, and most associate physcial security at least in part on their male mate's physical strength and willingness to protect.

So maybe instead of taking offense at her comment, you should think about it, use your femme side to better understand why she feels this way, and take steps to reasssure her that you are still her man and would be so even if you had to defend her while wearing a dress and high heels yourself.

One of the things that I believe I am called to do as a Christian husband, accoring to Scripture, is to live with my wife in an understanding way. The first time I felt alone and vulnerable while out dressed up in public (two men in a pickup deliberately parked next to me in a parking spot a long way from the door while I was sitting in my car, eschewing much closer spots or other open spots that weren't next to mine), I felt very vulnerable, very scared, and very helpless. I knew I was a potential target (which I would not likely be in guy mode and is something I never worry about in guy mode), and I knew there would be little I could physically do to stop them if they both decided to attack me or something. At that moment, I had a GIANT A-HA moment and gained a keen understanding of how my wife must feel as a very pretty GG in similar circumstances on a daily basis. I resolved at that point to address those needs of hers better than I had before.

[Tracii G]

So sorry to hear that Jess.I don't know what to say.:sad:

[Jess_cd32]

ty Steph & Tracii,

Yea I do understand this is a big shock to her and she's saying things she really doesn't mean most of the time and the other comments come from a lack of knowledge about cd's in general. I fill her in about cd's when she'll listen and I know it takes time to think about and take it all in.

I didn't ask her to come up and see me, she was shocked at first that I've taken it this far when I opened the door and she saw a blonde in a mini and heels, she was kinda:eek:
At first it all seemed cool, we both laughed and I told her this is what I want to share with you, having fun and laughs working on my look. Then the insults flew non stop inbetween some legitimate conversation.

I felt really insulted especially about the 'protector' comment because I've gone to jail from protecting her and our pets in the past from a vicious attack by a pitbull and its owner. I almost did a year in jail over it thats why I'm so pissed at that comment from her and I put myself in some real danger over it. I was charged because I used a weapon to stop the attack, all charges were dropped BTW later on.

I offered to get her an account here to talk to others that are going thru the same but she wants no part of it right now. Like I said in another thread titled 'Narnia', sometimes there are no winners in this. We'll see were it goes, tomorrow's another day.

She did say the other day, no matter what happens, always know I love you and I know your a great daddy to our pups. Was nice to hear that, she knows deep down I'm not the monster she's portraying me as right now, she's just venting a lot of frustration I guess.

[loren]

Hi Jess.Please dont get offended with your SO.I know exactly how she felt,she like myself will probably go through all different kinds of emotions.Confsion, fear,insecurity etc.Go easy with her please,and at her speed going through this,not yours.The most important needed is communication.Talk with her as much as possible,and show her she is still very important in your life,but remind her and show her,that her protector is still very much there.Ive been through all this and more with my partner G/Jasmine, and trust me it hasnt been easy,but thankfully anytime i feel confused or 'lost' about it all G doesnt hesitate now to talk with me about it.Im still learning,this is all very new to me,so i can imagine what your SO is going through.One thing i have come to see(and i realy hope your SO sees this too) is the change in G from he has stopped having to hide 'Jasmine'.Awhole weight has been lifted from him,and i have someone more open, honest and loving.And anytime i just want G, he.s there.Trust me Jess it wont be easy but just be patient with her, and be understanding,this cant be easy for her.Talk and reassurance and love,and patience.I dont want the old G back that wasnt able to be true to himself(or me because of it),now i couldnt be happier,and enjoy every minute of having man when i want him,and Jasmine,s there when i wanna get girlie(so much fun)I wish you both well,i realy do hope things turn out as positive for you both as it has for G and I.Remeber Patience and understanding for her x:hugs:

I meant to say, Show your SO this site.Everyone here has been invaluable to me,in the good times and the bad x:hugs:

[Sara Jessica]

This is all soooooo new to her, the reaction might have been out of shock. Of course her view of your feminine side could go anywhere from here from total acceptance to absolute rejection or anywhere in between.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

We all know your wife didn't loose her protector, though I know the words were painful for you to hear from her.

To be completely honest, I'd say you're on the road to a very good relationship with your wife - open, honest, and wonderful new experiences you'll both enjoy.

She didn't simply reject your feminine side. She hasn't laid down any ultimatums. Although a little surprised by your feminine look, she didn't become outraged or angry.

It seems to me that she wants to accept you as you truly are - the man-side and the girl-side. She has the opportunity to (as you said) work on your female look with you. She'll get to be a part of your transformation and hopefully enjoy the experience of getting you all dressed up.

Let things go slow and allow her the the time she needs to get used to things. I would bet money that her reservations are more based in what society has filled her mind with (as in a man's role, and what a man should and should not be) and not so much about her own problem with anything.

I'm excited for both of you. I just came out to my wife last year and it's been an amazing ride since. We had to take it a little slow at first, for slightly different reasons, but mainly she needed to adjust. Now she loves the chance to do my makeup (on the rare occasion I can go that far) and buys me sexy cloths and stuff.

BTW - you look stunning in your avatar and profile pics. I look forward to seeing how Jess's face turns out. :) It wasn't too long ago when I finally saw Gabrielle's face for the first time. Oh - one more thing. The first time my wife made me up, she made the comment "Where has my husband gone?" The comment was said with excitement and perhaps a little surprise on her part. She was very excited to see me all dressed up, but there was a little bit of shock on her part I think. I'm sure your wife will find it to me an exciting moment as well, even if a little shocked at first. :)

Keep us posted on this. I'm sure it will turn out very well for both of you, even if there are some bumps along the way.

I almost forgot to mention - I let my wife know that if I need to, I can kick just as much ass in heels as I can without. She usually responds to that with "Yeah, the heels are like an extra weapon" and we'll laugh together.

[beenherelongtime]

it is always a shock, be patient with her and give her time to come around

[Di]

There will be lots of ups and downs most likely till she works everything out in her head. It has only been two weeks:hugs:
About the comment...I would reassure her...that is NOT the case you are STILL the person she knew and loved.Nothing has changed except she now knows...and you were afraid to tell her before...BUT bottom line you are the same person she knew before.I think it sounds great...you want her to express herself and not keep it bottled up:hugs:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Sort of - when my Spouse gets mad or upset she says every hurtful thing that she knows about crossdressing to me - such is life

JoAnne Wheeler

[TxKimberly]

Jess,

I think all of us (TG's) would have to admit that our feelings, needs, and desires, do not stem from a "logical" source. They come from some emotional place. The same can be said about how our spouses may feel about it.
Logically, you wife should be able to say to herself "Jess" is the same person I married, and Jess will continue to protect me as always. But that's logic, and as I said, this has little to do with logic. You are speaking about emotions and her feelings.
If she "Feels" like she has lost her protector, then logic isn't going to help you.
Reassuring her, loving her, and giving her time to reach an equilibrium might help.

By the way, my wife was sitting across from me when I read your thread. I shared it with her and she agreed with your wife's feelings! This of course irritated me every bit as much as your wife's feeling that way irritated you. I told her "That doesn't make any sense! You know I'd do everything to protect you today that I would have 20 years ago when you first found out about me!"
"Yeah," she responded "but you were a LOT stronger then!"

Hmmppphh!

[MJ]

you have to understand your wife just does not understand this side of you.
and she is feeling hurt and confused. and she needs time to get her head around all this. finding out one's husband likes to cross-dress can be very traumatic. and has valid fears that only you can put to rest. finding out her knight wears female clothing under that shining armor is very confusing. and she trying to sort it all out.
i don't think what she is saying is out of spite but out of her fears.

[Celeste]

Hi Jess,Try hard to be patient,think of how it might feel if she shut you out entirely.Maybe at this point, time is what she needs the most,(without seeing you dressed).I still think you have reason to be optimistic and a statement such as the one she made is kind of normal,don't you think.

[Jess_cd32]

Great replies and I agree with all of you and ty for the input.

One of the comments also made was 'I'm sorry but I need a 100% man, not a 80-20% one.
To that I replied great, from now on I won't help with any more dirty dishes, I won't do anymore laundry to help out, help clean the house etc... after all I said, aren't those womens jobs according to societies rules?
She didn't agree to those ideas but it was some food for thought, a lot of guys won't help with those things and thats a fact.

I think if she read on here for a day or two it would help but she doesn't seem interested at the moment. I do let her know I am the same person I always was, I just happen to be born a cd and its not like it was a choice for me either. She continues saying 'I'm not going to accept it', I told her you don't have to, but at minimum at least educate yourself on it so you know facts and not believe misconceptions about me as well as the rest here.

This very well could split us up and I knew that from the beginning. I'm hoping it doesn't but I can't let her shove me back into a closet now that I'm out to her, and she would if I let her. Its not about being selfish as she calls it, its about finally allowing me to be me, I hope she can afford me that as I'm trying to afford her feelings about it as well.

Bottom line, she didn't ask for this, so she has to make the final decision what to do next.

[Toni_Lynn]

Jess

The important thing to emphasise to her, and I know I've said this in other threads, and it must be solemn vow:

1) You will never love the girl within more than you love her
2) You will never embarrass her or cause her humiliation or harm as a result of your crossdressing
3) You are willing to lay down you life her her
4) Before any evil or harm in the world can get to her, it first has to go through you.

If you can make this promise to her, and demonstrate it with move you make, she will know that the protector has never left, and in fact, because she accepts you, wants to protect her now more than ever

This is the vow I made to my wife, and we have a marriage that is so much more than I could ever have wished for!

My prayers are with you.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[carolinoakland]

Let her express her feelings, we of all people know the damage that comes from holding things inside. She's working through lot's. And so are you, don't put your expectations of how you'd like her to perceive you onto her. Carol

[PamelaTX]

I could see a woman reacting that way, Jess. Her concern is absolutely legitimate. If my wife raised the same concern, I would answer her like this. (Your answer will probably be somewhat different, but feel free to use this as you like.)

"I'm still a man. Every bit as much of a man as when you married me. If you are ever in even the slightest danger, I will fight will all my strength to protect you. To my last breath, if necessary. I am transgendered, and I have a feminine side to my personality that is at least as strong as the masculine side. But this does not take away from my masculine side, in fact it supports and strengthens my masculine side. It makes it even more important to me to be your man, because it enables me to see things from your point of view."

Good luck to you.

[Tashee]

Ex'es women say the darnedest things. My Ex had a year. Lets get that straight. Years of an affair on me. She dumped the kids off on me and ran away.

She had the gall to blame uh, the little dress up for her immature action actions.

I am so sorry for you. I am.

This killed my spirit for years until I learned relearned and learned again it was her childish actions not mine.

I was scared . hateful and very confused about who I am.

She hated being tied down by a family and she used my idiosyncrasies as the straw dog-

I hope this helps. luv

[Katrina red nails]

It is a very tricky subject for wives/SO's. I regularly get the "I married a man" and "you're not my husband when you are dressed". Despite my arguing that 90% of the time I am dressed as a man and fulflling all my obligations as husband and father she still don't want to see me dressed - yet.
On the other hand she says she likes my feminine caring side unlike most of the men where she used to live who solved everything by fighting. So understanding her is often confusing for me but we continue to talk and keep things out in he open.
She will go shopping with me and orders stuff from her mail order catalogue and also her Avon lady but thats as far as it goes at the moment.
I hope she does get more interested in time but I won't push it as she has to go as far as she wants and at the pace that she wants.

[Jess_cd32]

I'm on my way out soon and on my way home I'm picking her up some flowers and a card.

I know I've responded to similar posts in the past to offer helpfull advice, now at least I can speak from experience.

The hardest part isn't what we go thru, its what cd-ing can put them thru:sad:

[Jennifer Cox]

By the way, my wife was sitting across from me when I read your thread. I shared it with her and she agreed with your wife's feelings! This of course irritated me every bit as much as your wife's feeling that way irritated you. I told her "That doesn't make any sense! You know I'd do everything to protect you today that I would have 20 years ago when you first found out about me!"
"Yeah," she responded "but you were a LOT stronger then!"

Hmmppphh!

It's all about perception!



Yea I do understand this is a big shock to her and she's saying things she really doesn't mean most of the time and the other comments come from a lack of knowledge about cd's in general. I fill her in about cd's when she'll listen and I know it takes time to think about and take it all in.

I didn't ask her to come up and see me, she was shocked at first that I've taken it this far when I opened the door and she saw a blonde in a mini and heels, she was kinda
At first it all seemed cool, we both laughed and I told her this is what I want to share with you, having fun and laughs working on my look. Then the insults flew non stop inbetween some legitimate conversation.

I felt really insulted especially about the 'protector' comment because I've gone to jail from protecting her and our pets in the past from a vicious attack by a pitbull and its owner. I almost did a year in jail over it thats why I'm so pissed at that comment from her and I put myself in some real danger over it. I was charged because I used a weapon to stop the attack, all charges were dropped BTW later on.

My wife has a (severe) weight problem and once blamed this on knowing that I CD. She later confessed that she'd had a weight problem even before she knew I CD'd :eek: Sometimes it easy for them to use this as an excuse to cover-up other issues.

[FoxyFriend]

There is a fantastic post in the Loved Ones section, "now I like it, now I don't". If you go there and read that sticky I think it will give you a lot of understanding. I can understand how she feels and I think that is the key, it is how she feels. You can give her all the rational and logical arguments that you can think of but she is a woman and it is pure emotion with us. This is normal behavior, if I were you, I would worry more if she said she fully accepted it too fast, that can lead to melt down in the future.

I am in a relationship with a CD and I have known since the beggining but it still catches me off guard on occasion.

Good luck hun.

[MissConstrued]

I felt really insulted especially about the 'protector' comment because I've gone to jail from protecting her and our pets in the past from a vicious attack by a pitbull and its owner. I almost did a year in jail over it thats why I'm so pissed at that comment from her and I put myself in some real danger over it. I was charged because I used a weapon to stop the attack, all charges were dropped BTW later on.



Get all dolled up, take her to the range, and demonstrate that wearing heels & a miniskirt won't affect your aim in the slightest. :)

[Hali]

When i told my girlfriend about my CDing she was a bit excited in the beginning, but as time goes on she became a little apprehensive for many reasons one of the reasons is that when we go out for a stroll we find ourselves struggling together watching our backs and all of us getting nervouse from any slight noise or movement we heard coming from the bushes. In addition, all of us become jumpy cos wen en femme i completely loose my confidence to fight back cos with a skirt, hand bag, bungles on the wrist, and a "femme mind" its often hard to assume the "combat" position.

Secondly my femme side is not that "cool" cos i always reply her nasty/bitchy comments or attitudes with bitchy comments as well, cos wen en femme she observed that i dont over look those little things that i usually over look wen in male mode, i become petty and vengeful thats her observation, this days our relationship is so complex and funny cos when am dressed and in femme mode we often fight alot, go on for hours without talking, i become stingy..........yes stingy cos i find myself refusing to spend as much money as i use to when in guy mode.

Coming out to ur SO wil change alot of things in ur relationships u will find ur SO changing one or two attitudes towards u as well, the respect she has for u will change she'll still respect u but in a different way. This days my GF is more generous towards me she buys more things/gifts for me, collect less money from me as well and she is more considerate..............yeah and i enjoy more gossip.

Give her more time she might give u the best time of ur life but she might not treat u like the same way she treat "the man" she use to know she might be sending some barbal attacks and be ready to experience more bitchy attitudes from her, insults might not be out of the question since u r now "woman" she will treat u like she treats other women and i guess its ur chance to see the other side of her (how she treats other women), chao!

[Jess_cd32]

I'm thinking this one particular feeling of loosing their 'protector' is more common with our SO's than we may realize as cd's. I expected many different questions and emotions (and got the usual) but this one in particular caught me off gaurd.

Being a member here for roughly 4 months definatly helped a lot in how to approach her in comming out, but I'm no expert at it, just trying my best and definatly keeping her feelings upmost in mind.

To give an idea of how much she hates this about me, she's said I would rather you cheated on me than tell me this. To the others that are and will themselves go thru this with your SO, take the advice given here and give them plenty of time to take it all in, it is a lot to deal with.

Last night I brought her home some flowers and told her, 'I can't change who or what I am, but I can at least try to mend your broken heart'.
She's a sweetheart and the last thing any of us want to do is hurt our SO's over this cd-ing.

She can have a vipers tongue but I'm pretty thick skinned, I usually tell her she's so cute the way her nostrils flare when she's on a rant:heehee: Her family members have told me more than once we're getting you a medal for putting up with our sister:heehee: I wouldn't have her any other way though:hugs:
Good luck to the rest of you going thru the same, I've read and can relate to your threads as well.

[TxKimberly]

. . . Last night I brought her home some flowers and told her, 'I can't change who or what I am, but I can at least try to mend your broken heart'. . .

Not that my opinion matters, but I think that was sweet as hell! I hope she did too?

[ReineD]

I'm joining in late, Jess, but I think you are handling this so well!

Keep reassuring her, don't stop talking, and you already know to give her lots of time to adjust to the idea. The flowers and more importantly the note were incredibly sweet! Well placed humor (if she is open to this) might lighten the mood a bit.

When she begins to thaw a little, you might suggest she join a support group for SOs? Here perhaps? There are many supportive GGs here. They do not all post in the F2M. But first I would give your wife some basic information about the differences between a CD and a TS just in case she decides to read all the posts here. I know in the beginning, some of the posts spooked me before I realized there was a wide range along the TG continuum.

And take baby steps. She may not be ready to understand everything about being trans in the very beginning. But as long as you continue with what you are doing, she will soon see that she is not losing her husband.

If there is any way I can help you, please let me know!
:hugs:

[Kelli Michelle]

I can understand you being offended by the "insults" but not the part about losing "my protector" (not an insult, but vocalizing that she has lost a part of you). Still, both are her way of coping in the short term with what must be a huge shock to the system. What you don't know is, will she always be like this, or will she soften, when she gets to know more about you and who you are. Only time will tell on that, and two weeks is just starting. Of course, we all have our mental timetables. How long can one deny what they are to see if their wife and they can reach a reasonable (or not) compromise? It depends on the relationship, how deep your desires are, and how deep her opposition is. I am still trying with my wife to work it out afterafter 5 yrs, as I think it's worth it. It may not work out, but at least I will have tried all that I could. Good luck to you.
:thumbsup: