Ebb and Flow?

[Cassia-Marie]

I've had a really hectic time in the past four months so perhaps I'm mentally exhausted. Let me explain... I had never heard the term "Pink Fog" until I joined this site but I now know that's what I've been feeling my way through since this past October. Though I was forced to deal with a lot from my past and thoughts about how I deal with this in the future, it was actually very liberating to come to grips with being transgendered. I wish I could understand why it resurfaced like it did after ten years, though. Maybe if I had given myself some "Cassia-Marie" time and not shut crossdressing out the way I did then maybe it wouldn't have bottled up until the point an explosion had to occur. Even then, that explosion still had to stay confined because I have a wife and child who rely on me to be stable, dependable, reliable, the man of the house, bring home the bacon, etc. I've only been able to get dressed up three times since dealing with this again after so long but I've had other things like adjusting my attitudes, observing my own behaviors and how they compare to the best of the strong women with whom I've surrounded myself, shaving/epilating my arms and legs, concentrating on skin care, and, most fortunately of all, participating on this incredible forum. All of these things have helped me to get in better touch with myself and who I feel I truly am.

But now something entirely unsettling has happened. Almost everything I've been feeling has disappeared just as quickly as it arrived. The desire to dress, to express femininity, has seemingly vanished. And I feel very empty inside. I've lost several loved ones in the past 5 years and this feels like that. I feel like I've just lost my best friend - my other half - and I miss her a lot! I have no doubt that she'll return; I just hope it won't take another 10 years. I don't like these feelings of regret. I don't like feeling that something which is an integral part of me is silly or stupid or worthless. I don't like lacking self-confidence or having low self-esteem. The past four months have shown me that I'm the best I can be when my feminine side is allowed to come to the forefront.

There have been posts here recently about "if there was a pill you could take to do away with the desire to crossdress, would you take it?" or posts about how much people hate their desires to crossdress and how it's a curse. That's fine for them but it isn't like that for me. I had it and now it's gone. And now I feel incomplete. Feeling empty and lacking is a curse to me.

I've posted here before that I suffer from Depression and OCD and that I take medications for it. I do feel like the Depression is back a little stronger than normal so maybe that's what is edging out other parts of my life. I have an appointment next week to check on my progress so I'll be sure to bring this up. I've been remarkably stable for the past 2 years since I started treatments, though, and I've not felt more alive and "well" since this past October. What I'm experiencing now has really punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. It almost seems too sudden to just be a shift in seratonin levels. For those that suffer from Depression, has this ever happened to you?

I also know that these things can be cyclical - a pendulum that swings back and forth from strong urges to crossdress to strong urges not to crossdress. Perhaps it was too much to hope that the wonderful feelings I was having were here to stay. I really miss it, though, and hope it hurries back.

[Karren H]

I know how you feel... mine went away for 4 or 5 months last year and actually had to force myself to dress to try to make it come back... and it worked..... Sometimes too much of a good thing makes it go away...... It will be back....

[Kelly DeWinter]

Cycles like yours (and mine) and most peoples ebb and flow. Work on the the important issues first, he Depression, your health, your social life, The Crossdressing will take care of itself

[curse within]

They are a cycle...They will come back you will see...Yes you got your feel and then some...No regrets ...That is normal because you are at peace with yourself.. It was satisfying to say the least..How long did you let it build up and even better how soon do you want to do it again?

Now ask yourself is this something you want to do in front of your wife and child daily? How about sitting with dad drinking a beer adjusting your hose?..

I mean GREAT go for it if it is....More power to you...Be honest with yourself who could ask for more ? Its your life live it.. Hey I am happy for you either way as long as you are happy..

Good times

C.W.

[Kathi Lake]

Like many things in life, dressing does indeed ebb and flow. It's natural. DOn't worry about it. My "dry spell" lasted almost an entire year. Now, it's come back with a vengeance (but a vengeance that's oh so sweet!). Relax. Chill. Live your life. If the desire comes back, have fun. If the desire doesn't come back. Have fun. Life should be that way.

Kathi

[Sally2005]

I've experienced it and the other... I don't think it is related to depression except as another potential stress. The cycles come and go, I wish I knew why, but it sure feels like you describe, a switch is thrown and one way you are in a pink fog and the other way, you almost can't understand why someone would want to crossdress. If I had money to bet, it would be on a chemical change or cycle.

I found in the low cycle, I still get pleasure out of reading and learning from others. The other thing is, as I have accepted CDing as being part of me and spent some time exploring that side of me, the high and lows are less extreme. Instead of having a huge build up and explosion, I've got a constant leak...and I think it is because instead of constantly trying to deny the feelings, I just go with the flow and let some them surface. Also, I've reached a point that I don't feel I'm required to hide my CDing, but it is one side of me that I'm just prefer to keep to myself because it is not something most other people would ever understand.

[PamelaTX]

I can definitely sympathize. Most of the time I'm quite happy with the whole thing. Other times I'm so deep in the pink fog I can't think straight, and then there are the times when I think about dressing and I say to myself, "This is just NUTS!"

For me, dressing is a symbol of something deeper. Those low times are when I lose sight of the deeper feelings associated with dressing, and see it as just clothes. Since one piece of cloth is pretty much like any other, if there's nothing else there except cloth, the it is silly. But then I remember the deeper feelings -- the joy that feeling feminine brings, the satisfaction of getting in touch with my real self -- and then it doesn't feel silly anymore. Like you, I recently started dressing again after many years of denial. Habits developed over many years don't go away overnight. Those periods where I feel like I must be nuts are becoming shorter, and much farther apart.

And of course, life is complicated. Sometimes you have to think about mowing the grass, or mending the roof, or paying the bills. When these things demand our attention, the desire to dress necessarily gets pushed into the background. Don't worry. It will come back.

[KarenS]

My need and desire to crossdress has swung back and forth over the years numerous times. On occasion, I have felt it was so 'nuts' that I told myself I would never do it again and purged. (Sound familiar?) But, the pink fog evelopes me once again and I fall prey to its promise of fulfillment, a feeling of peace and satisfaction within - at least for a short while. I don't think there is anything in my life that makes me feel the way I feel when I put on women's clothes. I find it difficult to live without but I have found it possible to live appart from it for awhile. I feel now that I will not likely ever be able to live without my feminine clothing and 'hobby' as some put it.

If there was a pill to take to end the desire, I'm certain my wife and others would want to force me to swallow one. I don't think I would do it voluntarily. I like this woman I call Karen. I think she is a part of my life just as my wife and children are. How can I escape or forever ignore that?

Yeah, I expect that Karen will go back into the shadows of me again for awhile. But she won't stay there.

[Kelli Michelle]

Obviously everyone is a little different. For me, when I am particularly depressed, I tend not to dress as much. That's because I have so many other important things on my mind, I just can't be bothered----but I can't be bothered about a lot of things, not just cding. My depression was/is probably not as deep as yours, and I agree that getting that (and other things) under control is a good solution. Then, I believe that if cding is as big a part of you as it appears, it will come back. If it doesn't come back, or not as strongly, than maybe it's not as big a part of you as you believe. Either way, once you get the the other situations under control, I think you will find your way.

Stay cool :thumbsup:

[Cassia-Marie]

Thank you all for your kind words. There is something going on with me because I've had insomnia for the past several nights and I'm recognizing some of the same physical symptoms that lead up to my breakdown a few years ago. It's just so disconcerting because I was feeling so good and, well, normal for a change.

I've spent all of my adult life experiencing spells where my heart rate and blood pressure go seriously wacky (to the point that I passed out on several occasions) and early on a doctor diagnosed it as hypoglycemia. So I've spent the past 20 years on a strict diet but the spells have persisted. It wasn't until 2 years ago that my current doctor diagnosed it as panic and anxiety attacks. Prozac has helped with the attacks - I've only had 2 in the past 2 years - but I still have sharp mood swings and bouts of Depression.

When the Pink Fog rolled in this past October, the mood swings disappeared so I was more than thrilled to go along with it. In the past couple of weeks, though, I've been thinking more and more about telling my wife and that has caused quite a lot of stress and strain on me so maybe it's that which is causing all of this. I'll keep at it until I figure it out.

Thank you again and a big THANK YOU to the admins and moderators of this forum that keep this place alive. What you're doing here is making a huge difference in the lives of thousands of people.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Well sometimes the URGE does go away --- but not forever - I spent over 10 years in a more or less absence to satisfy mt Spouse - then the URGE came back stronger than ever - for the last 2 or 3 years, I have managed to get really lost in the Pink Fog - I cannot say that it was bad - but it was all consuming - got to me clear to the bone - things are better now - MORAL of this story is that while you may feel that you have lost the URGE/DESIRE to dress, IT will return !!!!!
Been there,
JoAnne Wheeler