Cassia-Marie
01-18-2009, 11:22 PM
I've had a really hectic time in the past four months so perhaps I'm mentally exhausted. Let me explain... I had never heard the term "Pink Fog" until I joined this site but I now know that's what I've been feeling my way through since this past October. Though I was forced to deal with a lot from my past and thoughts about how I deal with this in the future, it was actually very liberating to come to grips with being transgendered. I wish I could understand why it resurfaced like it did after ten years, though. Maybe if I had given myself some "Cassia-Marie" time and not shut crossdressing out the way I did then maybe it wouldn't have bottled up until the point an explosion had to occur. Even then, that explosion still had to stay confined because I have a wife and child who rely on me to be stable, dependable, reliable, the man of the house, bring home the bacon, etc. I've only been able to get dressed up three times since dealing with this again after so long but I've had other things like adjusting my attitudes, observing my own behaviors and how they compare to the best of the strong women with whom I've surrounded myself, shaving/epilating my arms and legs, concentrating on skin care, and, most fortunately of all, participating on this incredible forum. All of these things have helped me to get in better touch with myself and who I feel I truly am.
But now something entirely unsettling has happened. Almost everything I've been feeling has disappeared just as quickly as it arrived. The desire to dress, to express femininity, has seemingly vanished. And I feel very empty inside. I've lost several loved ones in the past 5 years and this feels like that. I feel like I've just lost my best friend - my other half - and I miss her a lot! I have no doubt that she'll return; I just hope it won't take another 10 years. I don't like these feelings of regret. I don't like feeling that something which is an integral part of me is silly or stupid or worthless. I don't like lacking self-confidence or having low self-esteem. The past four months have shown me that I'm the best I can be when my feminine side is allowed to come to the forefront.
There have been posts here recently about "if there was a pill you could take to do away with the desire to crossdress, would you take it?" or posts about how much people hate their desires to crossdress and how it's a curse. That's fine for them but it isn't like that for me. I had it and now it's gone. And now I feel incomplete. Feeling empty and lacking is a curse to me.
I've posted here before that I suffer from Depression and OCD and that I take medications for it. I do feel like the Depression is back a little stronger than normal so maybe that's what is edging out other parts of my life. I have an appointment next week to check on my progress so I'll be sure to bring this up. I've been remarkably stable for the past 2 years since I started treatments, though, and I've not felt more alive and "well" since this past October. What I'm experiencing now has really punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. It almost seems too sudden to just be a shift in seratonin levels. For those that suffer from Depression, has this ever happened to you?
I also know that these things can be cyclical - a pendulum that swings back and forth from strong urges to crossdress to strong urges not to crossdress. Perhaps it was too much to hope that the wonderful feelings I was having were here to stay. I really miss it, though, and hope it hurries back.
But now something entirely unsettling has happened. Almost everything I've been feeling has disappeared just as quickly as it arrived. The desire to dress, to express femininity, has seemingly vanished. And I feel very empty inside. I've lost several loved ones in the past 5 years and this feels like that. I feel like I've just lost my best friend - my other half - and I miss her a lot! I have no doubt that she'll return; I just hope it won't take another 10 years. I don't like these feelings of regret. I don't like feeling that something which is an integral part of me is silly or stupid or worthless. I don't like lacking self-confidence or having low self-esteem. The past four months have shown me that I'm the best I can be when my feminine side is allowed to come to the forefront.
There have been posts here recently about "if there was a pill you could take to do away with the desire to crossdress, would you take it?" or posts about how much people hate their desires to crossdress and how it's a curse. That's fine for them but it isn't like that for me. I had it and now it's gone. And now I feel incomplete. Feeling empty and lacking is a curse to me.
I've posted here before that I suffer from Depression and OCD and that I take medications for it. I do feel like the Depression is back a little stronger than normal so maybe that's what is edging out other parts of my life. I have an appointment next week to check on my progress so I'll be sure to bring this up. I've been remarkably stable for the past 2 years since I started treatments, though, and I've not felt more alive and "well" since this past October. What I'm experiencing now has really punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. It almost seems too sudden to just be a shift in seratonin levels. For those that suffer from Depression, has this ever happened to you?
I also know that these things can be cyclical - a pendulum that swings back and forth from strong urges to crossdress to strong urges not to crossdress. Perhaps it was too much to hope that the wonderful feelings I was having were here to stay. I really miss it, though, and hope it hurries back.