Confused about what I am

[Ruth]

I was in therapy for about 18 months, I’ve stopped now. My therapist and I reached some sort of agreement about what my CDing was about, in terms that we both liked. I moved on to simply live life as a CDer.
However, I do still think about my condition. I wonder if everything got laid out and explained in therapy. We can sometimes say what we think the therapist wants to hear, rather than what we really mean.
Here are some scenarios (one of them is what we agreed is my CD condition)
1. I am a masculine male who gets a kick out of wearing female clothes and presenting as a woman, mostly due to the sense of doing something forbidden. There is also a component of sensual pleasure from some of the garments.
2. I am a male with enough masculine traits in my personality to get along as a heterosexual man, but I also have a significant set of feminine traits which together form a female sub-personality. This personality likes to express herself physically by presenting as a woman.
3. I am physically a man but my spirit is female, and it constantly wishes to express its true being by manifesting as a woman.
Now we agreed in therapy that I was (2), but I am not totally sure that I always occupy that ground. There is no hard evidence in what I do to point conclusively to any of the three options, and there may be more. Perhaps in view of this, it’s not worth worrying.
I suppose my concern is about where I am going, and (3) definitely has more of an agenda for progressive transgender activity than the other two.
Anybody else here in this situation?

[Jennifer Cox]

Hi Ruth,

Guess I was a 1 for many years but now I'm a 2 (mostly - I think).

It seems to me that although you consider yourself to be mostly a 2, you're either wanting to move to a 3 or are concerned about the implications of doing so. You need to think carefully about what it is you really want/need, and how that may impact on other areas of your life.

I can fully relate to that feeling :hugs: Jen

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

For me I tend to be between the two scenario's (2 & 3). I've crossdressed for over 45 years with the last several being most intense. I now wear feminine blouses, makeup and jewelry to work, Especially in the last 4 months. To the point that my HR Manager asked me privately if I was in Transition. My feelings are confused as I question what I am, simply a crossdresser or possibly Transsexual, don't know what to think. I have a fairly strong desire to be a woman, but can't say 100% if I'm more woman than man.

I've been told by some, that the Transgender scale varies tremendously and that some TS people are satisfied to present as a woman, without going the extreme with SRS, some stay the middle with Hormone therapy to soften their features and feel more womanly and some forego any change at all. Been told, that only you, can decide what or where you are on this scale..Therapist can help guide you, but I agree with you that they may unduly lead you up or down the path, that they think is right. And it's only you, who can decide. :battingeyelashes:

[Jonianne]

Ruth, one thing I learned in therapy (both individual 2yrs and group nearly 6 years) was that your feelings can change on a dime about the reasons why you crossdress. When I would journal I would write out exactly how I felt and be completly satisfited and then 10 minuets, an hour, a day later I would look at what I wrote and think, that is entirely wrong and rewrite it. Finally I discovered that it was exactly right each time I wrote what I felt.

In time my thoughts mostly jelled into how I think of myself now. I am a male that enjoys some femme things sometimes, but would not be comfortable living that way for extended periods of time. I decided I was not TS at all because even though as a 7 year old I started cd'ing, but I never felt like I desperatly wanted to be a girl. I just liked wearing some their cloths and to be like them in some ways. I was happy growing up as a quiet type of boy.

[curse within]

I was reading some interesting links about therapist on the net that suggested crossdressing isn't fully understood through therapy.. Some links suggested that you had to really be carefull who you choose because they could lead you to false belief and even down the wrong path..

Crossdressing has so many different levels and stages it is hard to treat people through therapy. It is also suggested that a few months of therapy isn't by far enough time to diagnose you because of the pattern most Crossdressers have ( the ups and downs , urges to dress or underdress ).. You are at the level you may feel comfortable at or not it is always subjected to change.

I am happy that you are in therapy and speaking with a someone about it, I don't know what kind of therapist you are seeing or what experiance he may have with gender issues.. The most important part is do you feel good about how the treatment is working for you?

[JoAnne Wheeler]

RUTH - I have continually written that I really do not have much faith in these so called counselors - they just don't understand us (unless of course the counselor happens to be a CDer) I think that someone has to walk in our HEELS to know what we have been through and are going through. I may step on some toes, but I just do not see how they can experience the pain, secrecy, lonliness, uncontrollable URGE, ETC that we face every day.

I thinh that we get more REAL ADVICE here on this Forum from Girls that have walked the walk and talked the talk - THERE IS A REAL DIFFERENCE
And that's my opinion,

JoAnne Wheeler

[PamelaTX]

While the question of "why" is interesting to me, I am content with the idea that I will probably never know the answer.

I believe that part of the answer is that I have a strong female component to my personality, but I doubt that this is the whole story.

[Holly]

Ruth, may I suggest that you may be asking the wrong question? It is not a matter of what you are it is who you are. What fulfills you? What completes you? What makes you happy? Answer these questions, and you are likely to get a better understanding of who you are.

[suzypier]

RUTH - I have continually written that I really do not have much faith in these so called counselors - they just don't understand us (unless of course the counselor happens to be a CDer) I think that someone has to walk in our HEELS to know what we have been through and are going through. I may step on some toes, but I just do not see how they can experience the pain, secrecy, lonliness, uncontrollable URGE, ETC that we face every day.

I thinh that we get more REAL ADVICE here on this Forum from Girls that have walked the walk and talked the talk - THERE IS A REAL DIFFERENCE
And that's my opinion,

JoAnne Wheeler


You are right at 100%. :)

[Hali]

I was confused before, i thot i needed a theraphy, i thot i will never be happy, i thot am a bit crazy, etc............. after finding out about this site i know now that am just different from the "normal" guys. This site IMO is the best therapy for any CDer.

Am no longer confused about who i am.

[Karren H]

Maybe I'm just thick... But for some reason I have never felt the need for therapy and have never felt the need to catagorize, slot, map or label myself based on any preconcieved or contrived scheme..... Or heirarchy... Plainly and simply I'm me and love to do what what I love to do, whether it be labeled by others as masculine or feminine..

[Vieja]

Like Karen I have never felt the need for therapy. I suppose I would fit into your category #1 although I have never given any thought to categorizing myself. What I do does not harm me and I am careful not to let those I love who would be hurt ever find out.

Vieja

[DameErrant]

It's entirely possible that we change over time. I started out as a #1, or that's how I perceived myself at the time. I enjoyed experincing the forbdden, and got a sexual thrill out of it. As to why I chose this way rather than the many others available was not something I thought much about at the time. But the more time I spent CDing, the more I developed/discovered my feminine side, so I added/discovered more of #2.

I am not sure whether Diane was always there, waiting for a chance to emerge, or if I helped to create her by exercising those traits that I had hidden for so long. It may well be some combination of the two.

To clarify matters, over time I have come to not consider her a sub-personality, but another aspect of my one self, emphasising parts of me that are always there, and demphasising others. But all parts of me are there all the time.

As for #3, I am may be one of the two spirited ones, but the masculine is dominant, at least for now. I strive for balance and wholeness. My journney is not done, so I do not have a final answer for part 3.

p.s. A thought occured to me after I posted, that part of it my be the declining levels of testosterone that occurrs as we become "youth-impaired." As the "blue fog" gets a little thinner, we can see more clearly why we find fulfillment in this activity. Thus we progress in our understanding from # 1 to # 2 or even # 3.

[CrossJess]

At the end of the day you have to go with what ever makes you happy, you don’t need a therapist to tell you that, you should never feel the need to question your self for doing things that maybe considered to some “outside the normal boundaries” if you like it then do it! if you want to CD then whats stopping you, I like it because 1, it makes me feel very special, 2, I love acting, dressing & looking like a girly and well lol this is not really a 3 but.....3, ladies fashion is so much better than guys!!

I was in a similar situation when I was 18, I knew something was defiantly wrong, I wasn’t happy and really didn’t know what was happening with me, but I’m a great believer in fixing my own problems and the way I do that is to go away and do some major thinking and sort it out and put into action the changes, unfortunately at the time the things that I wanted to do and the person I wanted to be were impossible and were going to cause so much hassle upset etc from where I was then, but I knew I couldn’t go on being unhappy and living a life that wasn’t for me! So I moved away and started a new life of my own, I found my self because I’ve let loose within me anything that I have a lust for, I never hold back now if my body etc wants that then so be it, it’s the secrete to happiness! I know now that I am who I am! and I'm so happy with the way I've turned out! I wouldn't change a thing.

[Tashee]

GEE I am sorry Ruth.

But many non X dressers have the same questions of who they are etc.

If Therapy works run with it.

Holly has a great post should be noted again..I will re post it.

Holly-- Ruth, may I suggest that you may be asking the wrong question? It is not a matter of what you are it is who you are. What fulfills you? What completes you? What makes you happy? Answer these questions, and you are likely to get a better understanding of who you are.
-----------------

Back to me. Life is so fragile and short the who as in Who we perceive ourselves to be is of little consequence..

What is important is do we enjoy being around ourselves.. Sounds like a silly statement.. But trust me its not.. And if we find we really like ourselves everything else falls in line rather quickly..


Just my 2 Pents..
Tashee

[Sarah...]

I don't know. Therapy undoubtedly works for many people. I have had a recommended therapist's contact details for quite some time but have never contacted him. I was concerned that my "stuff" would be over analysed and your description, Ruth, does seem to confirm my view to an extent.

I have opted for a trust in the human process instead. I talk to those who'll listen and listen to those who'll talk and most importantly I listen to myself. I listen to my feelings and go with the flow they suggest. The net result is an absolute conviction as to who I am. And so I head now towards a life as a female, as that is who I am. I seem to have no issues with that whereas I have significant issues in actually being, or being perceived as, a man.

Sarah...

[Kate Simmons]

What it basically boils down to Ruth is just being yourself. Many of us feel we have to be just one or the other(we don't) and we go through many pains sometimes thinking we have to fulfill ourselves as such. Being a full spectrum person in this world requires original thinking and being in tune with ALL of the feelings (being female spirited notwithstanding). It's up to us individually to determine if we are up to the challenge to do that. Remember genetic women are feminine by default but they don't necessariy have to act that way to be their own person.:)

[JenniferR771]

After she found out, my wife went to see a therapist. But I don't feel she was helpful. She seemed to think of me as like a drug addict, alcoholic or sex addict. Wife started to say: "No one held a gun to your head and made you put on that dress." "You didn't dress while you had a roomate in college."

[jo_ann]

18 months of therapy and you don't even get a definitive answer? I think I'd be unhappy paying all that money for possibilities.

[Susan Watersfield]

Ruth,

Your posting is very interesting and quite thought provoking.

You don't say how long ago you were in therapy, although the referrence to having moved on may indicate that some time has elapsed.

As one who I hope has come to terms with her CD nature, I realise that no two CD's are alike. But then as we are all individual human beings, that's probably not surprising. For this reason, any attempt to categorise us is fraught with problems. However, the three scenarios you quote probably cover most of us on a broad basis.

Like yourself, I identify most strongly with (2). I don't think in all honesty (1) ever applied to me, but I do wonder sometimes if (2) is enough. There are times when I wish I was more female spiritually. Even when fully dressed and content in a female role, I sometime feel that my male side is too strong and can be distracting.

I have come to understand, in my case at least, that my CD nature is not set in stone and that the need to express my female side does tend to increase as time goes by. For this reason (3) may well apply to me at some time in the future. I am not over concerned about this, although your point about it's progressive nature is a good one.

I long time ago I set one very important limit to my CD activities, and that is to do nothing permanent, ie no surgery or drugs. However, within these bounds, if I eventually spent most or all of my time in a female role, I would not be unhappy.

I hope these ramblings may be of some use to you Ruth. One of the wonderful things about this forum is that we can exchange ideas and perhaps along the way understand ourselves better.

Best wishes

Luv

Susan

[Cathytg]

I don't think I agree with your therapist's idea that your feminine side is a sub-personality. If you take that view, then it becomes very unlikely that you will ever integrate your various gender (or any other) parts into a whole and unified person. I have come to think of myself as being mid-way on a gender continuum and, in that respect, I have neither a masculine nor a feminine side. I am just who I am where I am. In that regard, I am 5'1" tall but that just puts somewhere on a height continuum for men which means that I am neither tall nor short; I am just 5'11".

Of course, gender is a great deal more complicated than body height, but the general concept is still valid: I am who I am and there is only one of me. Once I accepted that truth, life became far more manageable and I became a happy person. There is no John Wayne in me and there is no Doris Day in me. I am who I am and I am where I am. My happiness becomes my own deal; I can change me but I cannot change the world. More to the point, what I can change in me is my own self image/evaluation. I have chosen to like the whole me. Try it; you'll like it. :D