I was given an ultimatum

[Natasha1974]

Well, I hope this is in the right spot.
Yesterday my wife gave me an ultimatum, continue dressing or she is gone!
What I don't understand is I always thought she was fine about it we talked in depth about how my dressing was a big part of me and the buying me things and helping me out with makeup etc from time to time. I was stunned, she had gone from accepting to extremely non accepting overnight. She then said if she had known I dressed when we first met she would have walked away.
I sat on the bed and cried and had a sleepness night. Today writing this my eyes have tears in them, I am still so upset. I have been doing quite a lot of research into transition, because I have felt so wrong all my life. Not saying I would go fulltime or anything but, at least talk to someone about it and see where I go from there, I had an appointment next week to speak to someone, my hopes have been dashed.
We had been having trouble in recent months, but I put it down to minor disagreements, however, she had put it down to my dressing, I had always dressed in private (how I longed to go out somewhere), and would always tell her in advance when I was planning on dressing so we could work something out if she did not want to be around and in the last 6 months had dressed only once, when she was not home.
So I packed all of Natasha's things up into two big suitcases, locked them and took them to a friends place for safe keeping. Now my wardrobe is very bare, drab clothes everywhere. My drawer in the bathroom is now clean and empty from all makeup products.
My marriage has been nothing but ultimatums all the way through, and I have a lot of decision making to do in the near future, at the moment I am ready to cut my losses and walk away, except for the kids, I love them dearly and don't want to hurt them.
So from Natasha I would like to say goodbye for the time being, and I am going to miss this great site and great people dearly. I will check in from time to time but for now is anyone's guess.
If anyone wants to PM me please feel free.

Thanks for the great time,
Natasha1974

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Natasha,

That is so sad. I wish I could do something to help. Maybe the best thing to do is see a marriage counselor. I hope it all works out for you.

[Tashee]

At the end of my 1st marriage I had a similar ultimatum----Then some years later---I am also a guys guy at time----My Country station was blasting during an early morning fishing expedition---When A Mr Brad Paisley had a song dealing with fishing----The guys were in tears as they listened to the words------But the dichotomy struck me---He could been talking about being a CD or whatever----Since society throws these social ab norms on us we become scared road kill on the side of one hell of a lonesome road---


Good luck Girl--------My prayers---


here is a link to that song----

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk



This is NOW MY PHILOSOPHY-------Thanks to wife's one's silly games...

the words work----unless its my meds----:)

[MarcieM]

Yesterday my wife gave me an ultimatum, continue dressing or she is gone!

Sounds like forced feminization to me. Do you have a problem with that?

[TommiTN]

Natasha, I'm so sorry and you may think me out of line here, but seeing this from the outside my thought is that maybe the best thing to do is separate for a while and try to work things out. You stated that your marriage has been a series of ultimata from the beginning. No relationship that is so one sided can be sustained indefinitely. Indeed it sounds less like a relationship and more like a dictatorship. A workable relationship always involves compromises and it sounds to me that there have been few, perhaps from either side, in yours. Again, my apologies if you feel I have overstepped in offering my opinion.

:hugs:

[SherriePall]

I'm fortunate in that my wife, who is not thrilled with my dressing and has never seen me dressed, has never issued an ultimatum. I am happy that she never has, about anything, because at this point in time I don't know what I would do if she gave me the big order.
I wish you the best, ask that you take it slowly, think it out and talk.

[Daintre]

Natasha, you may not be dressing in the near future, but please keep coming to the site, it may help. We do amazing things when it comes to our children, I can tell that they mean the world to you. Ultimatum after ultimatum is not how to live a life together, perhaps counseling would help, hard to say.

I am so sorry Natasha, please know that you can PM me or e-mail me any time you want a shoulder to lean on.


*my profile contains my e-mail

[Maria2222]

I am very sorry Natasha. This is the one thing that always makes me so sad. A CD being forced into a position where she has to choose between her wife and family and being a CD.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I hope that somehow it works out.
:hugs:

[Di]

Before you do something rash maybe find out what happened
( split up)....explain it is a part of you...you can shelf it for awhile but not forever. See if you can work on things.
Could be alot of reasons
1) loves you tried to get involved but not her cup of tea
2) with the other areas you hare having troubles in the cding
was the thing that tipped it over in her mind
3)you made all about you
4)you pushed it past her comfort zone...did she know you were thinking about taking it further...or was this hidden
5) she did not know before getting married and tried it...found it was not how she saw her life in years to come felt betrayed
6) or any number of reasons...point is find out and work on things

So I would say after things calm down talk...get it sorted...
Don't promise things that are not do/able
You said "My marriage has been nothing but ultimatums all the way through"....I am asking....why? Is it the only way she can get through to you? Please know we care and I am sorry...see if you can work on things between you...fix the other things that you are having trouble with and maybe it will not feel so overwhelming. Best Wishes

[Lisa Golightly]

It's a pyrrhic victory unfortunately... I hope you find the peace to be yourself sometime in the future.

[Tamara Croft]

That's really sad :sad: I'm sorry your wife has done this to you. Have you asked her why the sudden change?

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I feel for you dear Sister - my Spouse has given me ultimatums within the last 4 months - I can dress whenever I want to at home, as long as I do not shave my body hair - you may think this is a really good deal, but my twin brother is SMOKEY, the BEAR - after seeing so many beautiful, hairfree Sisters on this Forum, I am so frustrated - It is either Smokey the Bear's sister or a divorced hairless Crossdresser - I am torn up as well - I wish I could help you more as I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH

JoAnne Wheeler

[ReneeT]

Natasha, my heart goes out to you. This hits close to home because my wife and i are going through a difficult time now, brought to crisis level by my dressing. We have been seeing a counselor together for the last month, and it has really brought us back from the brink. He is a strong Christian counsellor, and that is what my wife and I need. Irrespective of that, he has opened our eyes to many aspects of our relationship that have been suffering, things that we just blamed on my dressing. If you and your wife truly love each other, please don't through in the towel without seeking outside guidance. What do you have to lose?

my prayers are with you

hugs,

Renee

[Natasha1974]

Thanks ladies, for the words, I appreciated them all greatly.
No sudden changes, just told me she had enough if me dressing.
I will attempt to talk to her in the next few days and see where things lay, she suggested a trial seperation just this morning.
Ultimatums is how she deals with just about everything (throw back from her mother there).
I will be seeing where things go over the weekend and will know more by Tuesday as to where I stand.
We have been having 'discussions' about where our marriage was actually going.
I just feel at the moment I am better trying to get us to marriage counseller and then work out what we do.
I just don't know what to say, I will be intouch with everyone who has responded in the near future, as I feel a personal thanks and answer is called for in this case, but thats just me.
Thank you again

[TxKimberly]

I also am sad to hear of your pain.

Having said that, I couldn't help noticing something in your thread that you mention so casually that it almost slides by with no notice:



. . . I have been doing quite a lot of research into transition. . .
. . . at least talk to someone about it and see where I go from there . . .
. . . my hopes have been dashed. . . .


With all respect to the TS folks here that are probably going to get angry at me for this, what did you expect your wife to do while you investigated your options for becoming female? As crossdressers, we already ask a great deal of our wives when we ask them to accept this part of ourselves. To ask, or expect, our spouses to stand by us as we actually change our genders is something many orders of magnitude beyond even that. I'm not saying that it never happens, but it is a hell of a lot to ask and we shouldn't be exactly shocked when she says "No, I can not accept my husband changing his gender, and will not live with another woman in a gay relationship".

I know my words sound harsh, but they're really not meant that way, and I truly AM sorry for the pain that you and your wife are both going through.

My very best wishes and hopes for you both,

[Karen564]

Very sorry to hear Natasha,

Sounds like the marriage is in deep Do-Do, Any Ultimatum is unhealthy for any relationship, it just makes it worse & causes bitterness, and a councillor may be needed to help both of you figure out how to improve the relationship if it's possible, and it sounds like there's more to it than just the dressing, & she has other issues too.
If you two still cannot see eye to eye after that, then the inedible will follow with separation & divorce. or you both just live in misery, but that would hurt the children more than any big D will.
Sounds like you need to do lots of thinking & have some tough decisions on your future.

Good Luck & God Bless

Karen

[Karren H]

Awww.. That is terrible!! I think I'd propose to her that you two try some councelling... Maybe you can come to some sort of comprimise..

[GaleWarning]

Natasha, there is something else going on.
In my last relationship, T started out supportive and then "changed her mind".
She made an excuse to move out somewhere else with her kids.
Only later did I discover that there was another guy.
I hope I am wrong, in your case ...
Best wishes.

[Karen564]

I also am sad to hear of your pain.

Having said that, I couldn't help noticing something in your thread that you mention so casually that it almost slides by with no notice:



With all respect to the TS folks here that are probably going to get angry at me for this, what did you expect your wife to do while you investigated your options for becoming female? As crossdressers, we already ask a great deal of our wives when we ask them to accept this part of ourselves. To ask, or expect, our spouses to stand by us as we actually change our genders is something many orders of magnitude beyond even that. I'm not saying that it never happens, but it is a hell of a lot to ask and we shouldn't be exactly shocked when she says "No, I can not accept my husband changing his gender, and will not live with another woman in a gay relationship".

I know my words sound harsh, but they're really not meant that way, and I truly AM sorry for the pain that you and your wife are both going through.

My very best wishes and hopes for you both,

Kim,
You make a very valid point, and thanks for pointing that out, I read right over what she said there.. I'm going blind..
So, very true,
How much can one ask from a wife? Like,,, hey hon, I'm looking into turning into a woman now, you don't mind, Right??
I would think most women would say, WRONG sissy boy, I may be a woman & be understanding, but don't plan on turning into a lesbian for you..No fng way.

So, I wouldn't blame her a bit, it sure wouldn't be her fault she fell in love with a man, not knowing that man she married wanted to be a woman later..

So that's perfectly understandable in my woman's mind anyway..LoL

Karen

[Kelsy]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I'm not going to try to give you any advise. Just want you to know we are here for you always! Hope it will all work out sweety!!

:hugs:Kelsy

[Teranika]

In my experience, people that issue ultimatums usually do not want you to comply with them. Imean sometimes its necessary, I had to give my ex wife one about her drug use. Still tho, I hate ultimatums and they seem like tools to control people's behavior when overused. If it happened quite suddenly, somethings fishy. I submit to you the ultimatum given to Serbia by Austria after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. They were just looking for an excuse to start a war.

[paulaN]

natasha I am so sad to hear of your troubles. I am afraid you have a long painful journey ahead of you. I just made that journey myself. I was divorced so fast it made my head spin. The pain is still there and the recovery processes is slow at best. good luck my dear and pm me any time if you like.

[Natasha1974]

To Kim and Karen564, as I said, I had been researching it. I have not spoken of this to her and had not planned to until I had spoken to professionals regarding it, so the idea of transition has not come into any our our discussions.
But, I can understand your points of view if she had known.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a very upsetting time, i know it will be very hard for you but if you can try and have a talk with your wife to try and find out what her main reason is for this upsetting action .

[AmandaM]

Didja go to far to fast for her?

[Karen564]

To Kim and Karen564, as I said, I had been researching it. I have not spoken of this to her and had not planned to until I had spoken to professionals regarding it, so the idea of transition has not come into any our our discussions.
But, I can understand your points of view if she had known.

Natasha
I'm sorry if I jumped to the conclusion that you told her then..

But remember, she IS a woman, and a Woman's Intuition is 99.9% correct!!!
So you didn't necessarily need to say anything, because she may just already know where this is going.. and that's what scares her in saying or doing what she did..

Take Care,
Karen

[Tashee]

As I posted----I have been there done that--It will work if she wants it to---If you change you it wont work--tho on the surface all may look well---The purpose of that song was---Go and do what is right for YOU----Then if you are RIGHT for the relationship it shall work out---If NOT no one is EVER going to be happy----We all can pretend and get happy clappy but--No real happiness will ever show its head if all you are doing is being obedient---Umm last time I looked--Granted I am a cop---But happiness if your a dog or horse comes from being obedient----We--You are real People----I had I wife drive me to the edge of suicide for and from who I am----Just to find out that was her sick little game while she had her boyfriend on the side----Then Blackmail so I wouldn't turn him into a statistic----


Its late my MS starts kicking my Butt now---Common sense is hard for me to find lest write--

praying for you---I pray I sad somethings of understanding that were not rude

T

you need to be happy with you---if she is happy with you great---otherwise---get on the unhappy hobby horse-----I cleaned more suicides young old from just this..trust me...

[Jess_cd32]

Sounds like we're in a very similar situation, but no kids involved here, just pets that are a major part of our lives.

I was told the same, that if she knew I cd-ed when we met she never would have gone out with me. I reminded her of all the good times we've had and the pets we've had over the years and she just said I wouldn't have ever known about them:eek:

When our SO's find out we cd it's a big shock to a lot of them and a lot to deal with emotionally, there will be ups and downs, we're having them daily here as well.
Good luck, I wouldn't stop comming to the forum over this, you'll need the support that you'll only find here.

[kittypw GG]

I have been doing quite a lot of research into transition, because I have felt so wrong all my life. Not saying I would go fulltime or anything but, at least talk to someone about it and see where I go from there, I had an appointment next week to speak to someone, my hopes have been dashed.
Natasha1974

Honestly Natasha?

Set your wife free. I see no good outcome for either of you together because of you above statement. If you love her let her go, please! I'm sorry that life is this way but do it now and you have a better chance to remain freinds. Trust me on this one.

:hugs:
Kitty

[Kelli Michelle]

I understand what you are going through. I am sorry it has gotten to this point.

I suppose her first reaction, when you told her, to her credit, was to see if she could work it out within your relationship. Perhaps she was hoping it would go away, or that you didn't do it that much really, or any number of things.

I am sorta believing that, as others have spoken of, that your wife now probably believes that she will be living with a woman sometime in the future, and she does not want that. Of course the problem with that is you yourself are not sure what you want. One the one hand, to force you to make an "all or nothing" call now, when you are unsure has gotta be tough as hell. You have to make a call prematurely, and it could be the wrong one. On the other hand, if she didn't make the call now, she could be living with a woman, which, again, she apparently doesn't want.

I don't know how old your children are, but still I understand your not wanting to hurt them. But it's kinda out of your hands if you feel you need to be at x point with your life, and you wife says nada.

Marriage counseling is the way to go if your wife is willing. it may resolve the problem, it may not. Obviously, both of you need to keep as open a mind as possible. As far as your wife is concerned, if she is all about ultimatums, she needs counseling for that too, not just this issue. As far as you are concerned, I would say you need to discover what it is you want and need as soon as possible. It's hard to address an issue you don't know the answer to.

I hope you find your way through all these complicated, difficult issues. Hang in there, there is always hope.

Take care. :thumbsup::thumbsup:

[Magickman]

You can always get another wife.

When a couple develops differences that cannot be mitigated, the best thing may be to dissolve the relationship.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Natasha;



To Kim and Karen564, as I said, I had been researching it. I have not spoken of this to her and had not planned to until I had spoken to professionals regarding it, so the idea of transition has not come into any our our discussions.
But, I can understand your points of view if she had known.


This is one of those threads that breaks my heart, I read this and I see you keeping things from your spouse. YOU speak to the professionals, in the meantime she is in the dark, with all kinds of fears in her head. I have never heard of anyone marrying a Man or a Woman and hoping that they would turn into the opposite sex after X number of years. I understand your issues, but have you talked to your spouse about her fears ? Something had to have happened for an 'overnight' change of heart. Did she read,find,talk to,consult,research something ? You two need to work on basic communication before you will ever be able to talk about gender issues.
In a marriage you to be able to communicate, Why not focus on that for awhile ? Speak to a counselor (GID) reguarding that aspect first. What are you willing to do to rebuild your marriage ?

[Carole Cross]

Natasha, I fell so sorry for you. reading your post brought tears to my eyes. From what you have said it seems that your wife may be looking for a way to end your marriage. She probably knows that stopping you from dressing may forrce your hand to end the marriage.
I hope you can sort things out without it coming to this, I know how upsetting it can be when a long term relationship breaks down. we will always be here foir you so keep in touch. :love:
Carole

[curse within]

Natasha,

What are you going to do? Will you continue to dress because I think you know it is very hard to stop.. I really hate to see post like this , you may want to think it's you wifes fault to allow this to happen then change her mind...There had to be some kind of signs as it built to her decission ...I really hope you can work it out ..Perhaps a nice talk with her may help maybe explain to her it took this long to progress and it doesn't end over night ..

I wouldn't show any anger or rage towards her..I feel she only helped you because she loved you but you can only take it so far people have limits maybe you went past hers..Toleration of Crossdressing is in no way understanding it.. its just putting up with it..Now understanding Crossgressing isn't toleration at all that's acceptance if you know what I
mean.. Commuicate with her find out some boundries and use what applies if you wish to remain with her ask her what will work or help,..If not continue as you are and enjoy..

[Lori Robins]

Hiya Natasha.
It seems to me that you are in for a rough few months but I would like to offer some hard learnt advice. My ex never gave me an ultimatum as such but knew I dressed and was very anti it. (she cut up my fav most expensive lingerie :eek:) I spent about 10 miserable years existing in my home(about 18 months in a seperate room) for the sake of the kids. I know this is easy to say now, but what a waste of my life those 10 years were!!! I was stupid and it didn't do any favours to my kids growing up in a home full of tension. It was hard not seeing the kids every night after work and all weekends, but in the long run I am way happier now. Life really does go on.
To me you have two ways to go - if you love her, I mean really love her and want to spend your life with her, then you either have to come to some sort of compromise or comply with her wishes (if she really loves you she should talk to you about your dressing/feelings as well). The other option is to leave.
I have old fashioned values and believed in the family unit staying together thru thick and thin, but we only get one shot in this life so we have to make the most of it.
It is a hard decision and whichever way you go there will be heartache and tears, and without trying to sound too selfish, your feelings play a big part in this and you should not be expected to go through your life feeling repressed and/or angry about missed opportunities, because it will come out one way or another. Whether it be a build up of stress levels, or anger and arguements with the closest available "victim" that you will regret later, or a withdrawl from normal activities, if you are forced to do something you don't want to do it will come out.
I was extremely lucky and met a wonderful woman that is (almost) entirely accepting of Lori, but we are completely honest with one another. This is probably a bit contradictory but..... there are a couple of things I would like to do (a like minded personal liason with another person) but she has said - if you want to, but not while you live here, but she would always love me and always be there for me, and I decided that I love her too much to jepordise our life together so I have decided against that. But I am happy with that decision. There are plenty of great girls in NSW and I am in Adelaide if you ever want to chat.
Good Luck

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I'm very sorry to hear this, Natasha.

I'm sure there is a much larger picture going on in your life than what you can feasibly share with us here. I really wonder if there is more going on than just the crossdressing. Perhaps the cding is more of a scapegoat for other issues that have built up.

An ultimatum is a very bad sign. Every time I encountered an ultimatum in relationships prior to my wife (non-cd related), it marked the beginning of the end. Sometimes it was me laying down an ultimatum about something, but the end game was always the same.

Regardless of whether or not your ultimatum is truly about your cding or perhaps a conglomeration of things, you're really going to need to do some soul searching and have some serious conversations with your wife.

Sometimes time apart from each other may help the situation and allow you both time to clear your heads. I know there are kids involved, but you have to consider some temporary time away, or face the possibility of the long term apart (divorce). Bring it up with your wife and see where she stands with apart-time.

What I'm sure you already know is there is no cure for being a crossdresser any more than there is a cure for enjoying a delicious dinner. If your wife cannot handle your female side and it's cding or her... the writing is on the wall and the stage is set. If you do turn up some other issues in conversation, I really hope you can work them out.

I want to offer something positive here, but I've read this story many times over the last couple of years.

Whatever the outcome, I hope that you and your wife and children find happiness down the road - be it together or apart.

Your friends are all here wishing you the best. :)

[Nicole Erin]

Never been divorced but really, have you heard a lot of stories where people wish they had NOT divorced? Not too many.
If you 2 do split at first it will be hard but you will probably find greater happiness than you have ever known. Freedom will once again be yours.

Maybe divorce is a huge price to pay for being CD/TS but really, at least if you divorce you can honestly say "it is paid for" and live YOUR life as you want and need.

[Linda Laman]

This is very tragic. You must be able to be yourself no matter what, not what someone else wants you to be. It sounds like your wife is looking for an excuse for a divorce - in any case, she does not love you, she might love what she thinks you should be, but if you go along with that then you would be living a lie. Your kids are the first priority, so if you both want to save the marriage you need to start communicating now. Get a counsellor who will be objective and help the communication - and get your clothes back on! Do not be bullied.

[carhill2mn]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. The sad thing is that many of us have also been in situations similar to yours. It sounds as if there are deeper issues in your mariage than CDing. Perhaps, marriage counseling would help but, the problem with counseling is that people must be willing to see the problems and to want to make needed changes. Many people are unable/unwilling to do this. Then some very difficult and painful decsions will be needed as to how to proceed.
Know that there are many people here that will be here to listen to you. Many have already given you some very good advice. Unfortunately, no one else can make the needed decsions for you.
I wish you the best.

[docrobbysherry]

That your wife's bossiness is actually stressing u out? Which may cause u to want to dress even more? Or, in your case, transition?:eek:

I know a little about which I speak! My ex was bossy, and it got so bad, I wanted nothing to do with her!:Angry3:

Let me predict what will happen next:

1. You'll knuckle under to her demands to stop dressing. You'll be miserable, and her ultimatums will only GET WORSE!:sad:

2. You'll go to a marriage counselor. The counselor will point out to your wife the problems she is causing with her attitudes toward u. You're wife will immediately quit going to therapy. If u continue going on your own, u will probably conclude separating from her will be better for everyone!:)

Been there, done that!
I believe your wife has ALREADY suggested the answer to all of your problems, separation! If u don't have to live together, u both mite get along better!:brolleyes:

[Ballerina]

Wow, ultimatums and threats are hard to deal with (I live with them with my parents, too).. I do find it curious as to how she can go from accepting and supporting to not enjoying it. Maybe there was some form of barrier that was crossed? Wore something that she frowned upon, worn something of hers and she found out and didn't like, fears of things going too far, or maybe even gone a little too far with one thing and/or another? I do second (third, fourth, er. whatever) that you two do seek marriage counselling. She does need to know that the voice of her own mother creeps into herself and it does bother you strongly. Sitting down together and talking things through with the offside help of others should be a priority right now. I may even suggest that you two take a bit of a vacation away from troubles and get out as a couple (not bringing issues up while out and about) from time to time may help, too.

I wish you both the best of luck.. And I hope things can settle down soon enough!

[VeronicaMoonlit]

With all respect to the TS folks here that are probably going to get angry at me for this, what did you expect your wife to do while you investigated your options for becoming female?

Get angry at you? No. Because what you said is that basically, Natasha isn't communicating very well with her wife, and I most certainly agree.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[KarenS]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. My experience is woefully inadequate to offer any type of advice.

I hope you can reconcile.

[joann426]

natasha i feel so sad what is going on withyou and your wife those ultimatums just may be a nother man in her life so maybe watch out for those thorns in the road you never know

[beenherelongtime]

good luck and good wishes to you. let us know how you make out.

[Sally2005]

Start calling her bluff and talk to her about what would happen if you actually did make the 'wrong' choice. You have to talk to her and ask her why she suddenly changed. I bet the CDing is just an excuse for something else that's going on especially if she was okay with it in the past.

[LeslieSD]

An observations: women seldom talk about the real issue. It may be this or that, but ultimately it may be some thing that triggers it. And that real something could never appear in your conversation with her.

So try to think as if you were her (a good practice to be a CD) to find out what is that something. It may have very little to do with CDing, but more likely be how you treat her. You said that she was somewhat accepting, right? She can not become a CD-hater overnight.

Trial separation might be another way to go. It might be helpful to clarify out the issues.

[boardpuppy]

Natasha,
I can impathize with your situation. Counceling will help with some things but the desire to stay married has to exist on both sides. Even if you both want to stay married, just wanting is not enough. You (both) have to be so stuborn (about staying married ) it will be scary at times. Being married is a relationship (both giving and taking) if one stops, then trouble follows. Having grownup in the tension you discribed, I can tell you the kids will suffer but even with all the heart ache and fights they will be better off if you two go your separate ways. The kids will fight, especially when caught playing one of you off against the other. At this point, you and your wife have to be on friendly terms, and provide a uniform front to raise them right. The big "D" is the last resort but not at the lose of yourself or your self respect. From personnel experience i know what I am talking about....It all depends on your priorities and what you want.

Alice

[Megan_Girl]

Natasha,

I truly understand what you are going through. After 20 years of marriage my wife told me that she had discovered I was a crossdresser, that she loved me and was OK with it as long as I wasn't gay.

Flash forward 12 months and right out of the blue she drops a bomb saying that she's not "OK" with it....she was never really OK with it - I'm sick - this has to stop and "the ultimatum" - I must see a therapist!.

I was devastated, angry, I felt betrayed - like I had been allowed to have and hold my most precious dream and then it she smashed right before my eyes. How could she lie to me like that? I pushed back and said we both need to go to therapy.

Today - after 6 months of therapy for both of us, she now understands - I'm not gay, I'm not going to leave, that our marriage and our daughter are more important to me that anything, that being a CD is just part of who I am and it's not going to go away.

AND I understand That she is scared by it all, that she felt that she was loosing me to "Megan", that I was steadily moving away and she was going to be left alone to raise our daughter.

So things today are better..... not perfect by a long stretch ... but improving. My therapist says that 80% of the marriages she sees break up when it reaches the point we did. We're lucky.... so far... if we make it through 2009 we may have saved our marriage.

I have no magic bullet, no words of wisdom that will make things go back to where they were or fix it. Our marriage... our relationship will never be the same but. I'm grateful we've come this far and I pray that we'll survive.

I'll include you in those prayers.

XXX
Megan

[stacylynn1]

sorry hon

[Jenna1561]

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties and I wish you both the best of luck in resolving this issue.

I'm in a similar situation. Married for 23 years with 4 children. I did not tell my wife until after 20 years of marriage. She did not take it well. She refuses to talk about it at all and will not see a therapist. Two years ago my job moved and I moved with it, though my wife and teenage children stayed behind. I'd go home on weekends, but we pretty much live apart. She has now known for almost 3 years about my feelings/beliefs. However, after a year of "separation" and learning to be me, I decided last year that I really wanted/needed to transition. Again she refuses to discuss it, actually leaving the room we're in and once leaving the house to avoid talking about it.

After I told her my intention of transitioning, she wrote me a 9 page letter expressing her thoughts and feelings - all negative. As Kim said, it's really the reaction one should expect and I knew most of it was coming, other than some of the more cruel and hurtful comments (though she's never seen Jenna). I thought I was prepared mentally (not emotionally) but I knew what to expect. And the Ultimatum came with it. So I put Jenna back in the closet - the closet that's in the basement, behind the furnace and concreted up a wall in front of it.

Needless to say for me, it didn't work, much to my emotional and financial detriment - Drinking, gambling, depression, suicidal thoughts. I'd given up Jenna, given up therapy, stopped HRT (had only been on E for a month), given up friends and I was killing myself. I knew what I had to do. Jenna had to be resurrected.

We live apart, when I go "home" to visit, Jenna goes in the closet, though I'm on HRT and my developing A cup breasts are impossible to hide from a wife, she says nothing, still refusing to discuss the issue. I know divorce is in the future, though it won't be my choice. When she's had enough, she'll be the one to file for divorce and I'm certain, there will be lots of tears.

Thanks for bearing with my story. For you I hope you can resolve the issue. Maybe you can bury Natasha and live without distress - I hope so. The happy stories are few and far between. But as Kim said, what can we realy expect of our wives. They certainly didn't marry a man, hoping some day he'd want to become a woman and they could be lesbian lovers. It could happen, but NOT in my life.

Best wishes and Hugs, hugs, and more hugs,

Jenna

[Raychel]

I am so sorry for your recent troubles Natasha. I would do the same thing if my wife were to pull that trump card on me. I would have to put Raychel away and try to regain soem sort of normalcy in the marriage. I am not 100% sure that it would be possible. But I would have to give it my best shot.

Hopefully you can get some counseling for both you and your wife and get thru these troubled times. You will be in my thoughts.

[Maria_1969]

wow, that sucks! But I am the wrong person to give the best opinion.... I would drop her in a heartbeat like I have done before. Not one will tell me how to live my life, its that simple to me.

Good luck and best wishes.....