Men are sooo weird...

[tgirlinva]

One determinative indication that I'm a woman is that it's so frustrating to deal with my bf. I can't seem to understand how he thinks and getting some sort of answer out of him is like pulling teeth. I cook, clean, buy things for him, take care of him/his dog... but it doesn't seem like it's enough. My ex-gf is coming into town tomorrow and we're going to have dinner together. I asked him whether he wanted to come, but he said no. I asked why? did he feel uncomfortable, did he feel like we hadn't been together long enough? did he just not want to? his answer: "all of the above". it pisses me off. we've been dating for almost 6 months and he's still selectively calling me his gf. I can't understand him. Am I to just pretend that we're just having fun with no long-term potential? He seems to not care whether I'm here or not. All I want is to feel love and needed. I haven't transitioned yet... so I often blame myself that I'm not attractive enough or beautiful enough for him to think of me as his gf. I mean he still hangs on to his ex-gf's (a full-time TS) naked pictures and their sex video... Note: they broke up a year ago. I feel like I want to leave, but I cant. I have lost a lot of my self-respect it seems.

[Chibi~Cthulhu]

ouch hun. sorry to hear about the bf, though if he really cared about how you felt wouldnt he be able to respect your feelings enough to understand you are a woman no matter the appearance? selectively calling you his gf instead of it being the norm seems to me to be pretty insulting.

and the fact that he still hangs with his old gf? wow, i mean really?

i dont want to cause any grief or hurt feelings but it seems to me that thats a relationship thats already headed down a bad road, it might be best to cut him loose before he drags you down. if he hasnt already.

i do hope that your ex-gf and you get along though. did she know about your dysphoria issues before? if not i hope that went well for you, female friends can be a huge blessing when it comes to hair and makeup advice. mine sure have.

[Nicki B]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

© B-DAY PUBLISHING; EMI APRIL MUSIC INC.

[tgirlinva]

ouch hun. sorry to hear about the bf, though if he really cared about how you felt wouldnt he be able to respect your feelings enough to understand you are a woman no matter the appearance? selectively calling you his gf instead of it being the norm seems to me to be pretty insulting.

and the fact that he still hangs with his old gf? wow, i mean really?

i dont want to cause any grief or hurt feelings but it seems to me that thats a relationship thats already headed down a bad road, it might be best to cut him loose before he drags you down. if he hasnt already.

i do hope that your ex-gf and you get along though. did she know about your dysphoria issues before? if not i hope that went well for you, female friends can be a huge blessing when it comes to hair and makeup advice. mine sure have.

Truthfully, I'm not afraid that he is still hanging out with his ex-gf. I used to be TOTALLY (and I mean psycho) about her. Jealous of her because she was full-time and passable. But I realize that I will be one day, even more. I go out dressed as myself all the time with him and men already notice. He said he might even be afraid that I'm too passable and hot. Afraid that people might question why a girl my age would hang out with someone like him (he's quite older than me, read 19yrs older). So she has nothing on me. I realized (through therapy) that I don't need a man to be successful. I still hang out with my ex-bfs. I need to trust that he won't do anything with her. If he is, I know where the door is and will walk right through it no problem. we actually had a great talk yesterday afterwards, and I now know where he stands... and i can sympathize with him. So, I guess that was just a low inherent in any relationship. So be it :) I am happy that I have someone who cares about me and accepts me as I am.

[crossdrezzer1]

just go by the old quote you already know----" There are alot of fish in the ocean"........ Seems to me that he has unfinished business with his ex if he still has personal items as mentioned above,,,wow,,, thats a no fly zone for any girl....

[Chibi~Cthulhu]

well im glad you worked things out with your bf, though i hope the two of you really did connect and you arent just fooling yourself on that (not trying to be mean just my own experience showing through there)

remember that we are here for you, if you need someone to talk to or whine at either way. =D heck even a nice bit of juicy gossip now and then is always fun eh? well im going to sign off about now ive got to get things ready for school next week (bleh) :Peace:

[terri1984]

sounds to me your not happy, If your not happy take steps to change it. tell him how you feel, and if things dont get better leave. You are here on this planet a short while why spend it with someone who hurts you, just my thoughts good luck...peace

[Karen564]

OMG, Nicki.

I LOVE the way she sings that song!!!

Her vocals give me goosebumps every time I hear it., Thanks!!!


tgirlinva,
I'm sorry hon. but that relationship sounds 1 Way to me, You need to dump him and find someone that will Truly Love & appreciate you.
Just sounds like you deserve better than that..

Karen

[pruella]

Interesting you have an ex girlfriend who loves you and a current boyfriend who is considerably older than you who does his own thing.

Do you think that perhaps you attraction to this man is some kind of self validating experience? "I'm a woman I have to be with a man, any man, any any man it doesn't matter who the man is"

I've read both your postings and I really think you are confusing some aspects of gender with sex. Understandable.

Remember many guys that 'date' or have relationships with 'tgirls' do so because they deny their own sexuality. Why did his last relationship end? Relationships are like jobs. They are an ongoing interview.

Remember when you go in for a job interview, you are interviewing the employer more than they are interviwing you. (Actually most people don't realise that and that's why they often take jobs that don't realy like.)

Relationships are the same.

I really think you need to take some time to think, I'd even suggest talking with your ex girlfriend. She seems very interested in you and if you have been apart for 6 months and she still wants to be with you, that's a damn good sign to me.

Girls are NEVE short of fish to frolic with. Girls get to choose. Men do not. Men take whatever they can get and do anything they can (usually through threat and intimidation) to have on to anything they have.

But then ask any of the wives of Transwoman and thy will tell you that hanging on to their soulmate is more important that anything else. And some will even tell you that they have had to put up with a LOT of emotion and pain, just as their Transitioning partner has, but at the other end of the turbulance, things are pretty sweet, and new and exciting for both.

[tgirlinva]

Interesting you have an ex girlfriend who loves you and a current boyfriend who is considerably older than you who does his own thing.

Do you think that perhaps you attraction to this man is some kind of self validating experience? "I'm a woman I have to be with a man, any man, any any man it doesn't matter who the man is"

I've read both your postings and I really think you are confusing some aspects of gender with sex. Understandable.


Wow...you're very straight forward, I like it :D No, I actually don't confuse gender and sex, to me, they are quite different. I will say that once I get passed the whole ex-gf thing, we appear to have a pretty good relationship. I think it's quite as normal as others in the sense that I have not fully transitioned yet, but hopefully, it will come one day. I will say that the thought that I do no leave him because I am afraid to be alone and that i won't find anyone else as accepting as him has crossed my mind. I mean, ggs already have a hard time finding decent guys, what are the chances of us TS women finding one as well? so yes, that does play a bit on my mind. but i do think that i can trust him, he seems to care for him, and the ex-gf thing, i realize is more something that i created in my mind than anything else. like i said above, if one day i have a hard-proof (i.e. actually catch him cheating or smtg), then i will move on. i am not the type of woman to have a blind eye.... not me, i am more worthy than that.

btw, what did you mean by your "considerably older" comment? does that really matter? does age have any bearing on love?

[AmandaM]

"selectively" calls you his girlfriend?

What's up with that. Quit being a doormat.

[pruella]

Amanda, my wife selectively calls me al kind of things! I usually only hear "Honey" and "Husand" and "Her" and "Ella" ;)

tgirlinva, I could be wrong with some of my thoughts below, but think hard about the things I say, move them up and down a scale from 'not at all' to 'god almighty that's it'



Wow...you're very straight forward, I like it :D

I'm blunt, and told I'm always accurate on the basis of the information given to me. Of course in discussion we tend to explore more than diagnose :) But sometimes I just have to express the blunt extreme so people can think in directin they might be avoiding or in denial of.


No, I actually don't confuse gender and sex, to me, they are quite different.

But "you are young" and freedom can cause all kind of confused perceptions. I have a friend in another country who tells me he keeps falling in love with women. She's married, been with her husband 7 years, the last few have been dull and boring. 7 year itch of course, that's genetic and pheromone driven, but he agreed in the end that she wasn't falling in love, she was falling in lust.

(Nothing wrong with falling in lust - have fun! It will end!)


I will say that once I get passed the whole ex-gf thing, we appear to have a pretty good relationship. I think it's quite as normal as others in the sense that I have not fully transitioned yet, but hopefully, it will come one day. I will say that the thought that I do no leave him because I am afraid to be alone and that i won't find anyone else as accepting as him has crossed my mind.

I'll be honest, based on my very broad experience with people from presidents and prime ministers to Joe the street kid, I see the relationship you have as one of convenience to bother of you.

His age and interest in TS is certainly one very strong indicator. They aren't called Admirers for no reason.

You are afraid of being alone. That's evident in the two threads you have created and your replies. Hell BE afraid! Being alone is NEVER easy. But being alone can also be your salvation.

But to have or to hold onto a relationship that is discretionary to one party isn't a relationships.

You said you do all these household chores. But what you didn't say is what he does for you in return? Relationships are two way.

My wife looked after our kids the last 10 years, now she works and I look after them. Has nothing to do with my transition. But it sure is educational!

Your transition is not a factor on any relationship and it's future. Some people MAKE their transition a factor because it gives a person an excuse to be angry and feel that pain that lets us know where our lowest levels are.

I wanted my wife to leave me when I started transition. I told her as a much. But then we've had that 'separation' discussions dozens of times in our 15 years and it always comes back to the same question. Why are we talking abut such nonsense!

Your age and your maturity (not in a bad way) is key to were you are. In 20 years you'll look back, just like I did, and wonder what the hell you were trying to do with all those random relationships.

To be honest, with the experiences I've observed this boy friend of yours will 'move on' when you have had your SRS. The bell curve rarely lies! Sure you and he could fall on ether side of the curve itself, but that's rare.

And given you have indicated his attachment to his past TS girlfriend, although you didn't indicate if their relationship was pre-op and ended after her op. I'm going to assume that's the case.

Let me ask you a blunt question. Do you have sex with this guy? Oral? Anal? You can PM me if you like cause understanding you and him could get fairly intimate.

I really think you have a sexual lust and he has a manner of convenience. You mention he selectively calls you his girlfriend. Lets look at that for a moment.

In what company does he refer to you as his girlfriend?

In what places does he refer to you as his girlfriend?

What does he call you in other instances?

What are the places that these other instances occur?


I mean, ggs already have a hard time finding decent guys, what are the chances of us TS women finding one as well?

Well besides the fact that he doesn't sound like a decent guy at all, GGs have a hard time cause there aren't really many DECENT guys to select from! Really! Just ask my wife!


so yes, that does play a bit on my mind. but i do think that i can trust him, he seems to care for him, and the ex-gf thing, i realize is more something that i created in my mind than anything else. like i said above, if one day i have a hard-proof (i.e. actually catch him cheating or smtg), then i will move on. i am not the type of woman to have a blind eye.... not me, i am more worthy than that.

You are gonna hate me for this but. Wake up! You are making incredible excuses!

Your relationship isn't 'normal' by any means. For so many reasons.

1. Your gender dysphoria, it's new to you, don't tell me it isn't! You only broke up with your girlfriend 6 months ago because YOU felt it was unfair on her to stay in the relationships and not have kids.

2. He is the first guy that has expressed what you perceive as a romantic interest. Don't say that's not the case, you already said what hope do TS women have if GGs have so much trouble. So you took the FIRST one that called you after a night out.

3. You have a penis! If that' not subtle enough, let me know I can be more point blank. A man 19 years older really isn't look for a TS who's transitioning for long term relationships. the emotional swings, tempers, behaviors, costs, unpredictability, disappointments .... no one goes into a relationships for life knowing that throughout that relationship it's going to be hell.

Straight Man and Woman couples have enough trouble staying together these days for more than 3 years, and rarely is gender or sex the issue in the termination.



btw, what did you mean by your "considerably older" comment? does that really matter? does age have any bearing on love?

In your mind, no it doesn't. And often it doesn't. But what you have described I have counseled dozen of times and it's ALWAYS the same.

The day I find a M2F who is starting transition not even living as a full time women (I get the impression you aren't full time, please correct me if I'm off on that one) who gets a boy friend 20 years older and they stay together for 30 years, I'll chop my boob off! (Well maybe not the boobs, but you get my point.)

Men tend to 'grasp' anything that is convenient, love rarely plays any part. And considering 99% of people understand that "Love = Sex, so whilst there is sex every night that's love" and a guy who is clearly lonely otherwise, or out on the prowl by the sounds of it, would SNAP UP a young little budding filly for self acclamation. "I've still got it"

You think you are in love, I don't think so. I think you are denying the issue of loneliness.

OK, there, been terribly blunt. Makes me realize how lucky I am today, yet how pathetic I was 20 years ago!

I use to latch onto any girl that returned my phone call! Didn't matter they just used me cause I had a name and image that was known around town. I thought I was in love 50 or 60 times a year! I grew up around ages 22 :) And was settled by late 20s :)

I was VERY lucky.

Relationship are hard. People today have too many agendas that aren't put on the table.

If I knew more about your relationship I could give you a set of key questions to ask your bf and I doubt you'd like the answers you'd get! But then, do you want to PLAY that GAME or do you want to transition, be happy and be safe and respected?

I was a year or two ago called "a second choice to a GG" - when that was said to me, I deleted the person from my life!