How can I help my ex-gf cope?

[tgirlinva]

I came out to my gf of 5 years and broke it off with her. I didn't expect that she would be okay with it or move on right away. I could not have been with a more understanding and more loving person than her. she said that she supports me 110%. However, it's hard for her to move on. I told her that I needed to sort things out with my life and see if I'm a TS or not. I wouldn't want to lead her on any longer or get married/have kids and then find out at 70 that I want to transition. I therefore broke up with her and think it was the right decision. I told her that no matter what, we will always be best friends. However, she calls me almost daily crying, reminiscing about our past together, and how maybe there is still a light of hope for us to be together. It truly breaks my heart to hear her cry and be so devastated. How can I help??? I try to comfort her and tell her that she'll find someone even better than me, that she deserves better than me, but she keeps saying that she only wants me... and will only want me. I'm out of options. I don't know how I can help her move on..

[Chibi~Cthulhu]

well hun. clearly she still cares for you. and needs you to be there for her. if you cant be there as a bf, be there as a friend. chances are you need her as a friend just as much as she needs you.

anyways good luck with that.

[pruella]

I could not have been with a more understanding and more loving person than her. she said that she supports me 110%. However, it's hard for her to move on.

How perfect. Why did you break up with her? Oh hang on ...


I told her that I needed to sort things out with my life and see if I'm a TS or not.

Selfish reasons. Sorry to be blunt! But if you have a loving, or even just a GREAT relationship with someone who actually wants to be there with you, even if it doesn't last the whole way, isn't that just brilliant?


I wouldn't want to lead her on any longer or get married/have kids and then find out at 70 that I want to transition.

Great so, put that on the table. Let her decide if the relationship is suited to her needs right now. Don't you want someone who loves you, 5 years seems to be a good indicator of love.

Or, is the 7 year itch creeping in and it's time to more on anyway? Do you love her? Care about her? Want to be with her?

May TS tranistionsers prepare for future children anyway. Having biological children is very important to some people. If you have a truly lifetime partner there, then gender, lost limbs, wheelchairs, they mean nothing.

Sorry to be blunt, but Christopher Reeves wife could have left him when he suffered his injury. Imagine having to look after the body of a vegetable with the mind and passions of Reeves. It must have been the hardest thing that couple ever had to deal with. Maybe more difficult that a husband transitioning, having SRS and becoming a woman in front of 'his' wife.


I therefore broke up with her and think it was the right decision. I told her that no matter what, we will always be best friends. However, she calls me almost daily crying, reminiscing about our past together, and how maybe there is still a light of hope for us to be together.

Ok so now truly tell me, why did you break up?

I really think the reason you give above is not exactly a reason. If you and she want to have children, you can always use a Sperm Bank. Gosh you could get pregnant now and start down that path anyway.

Are you afraid of something perhaps?

Often we find the easiest excuse to put barriers in place. To lock people out, because of our own fears.


It truly breaks my heart to hear her cry and be so devastated. How can I help???

Be true to yourself and her. 'I don't want to be 70, married with kids and decide I want to transition' is really weak!

Evidently she's not only supportive but really wants YOU, not your gender. There are people on this site that would give two arms and legs for someone like your gf.

I'm lucky, to please my wife, I just have to have FFS, and then seriously consider SRS either way.


I try to comfort her and tell her that she'll find someone even better than me, that she deserves better than me, but she keeps saying that she only wants me... and will only want me. I'm out of options. I don't know how I can help her move on..

Again, I come back to YOU. Not her. Sure relationships don't always last forever in this contemporary world, but you know some do! Some even go through HELL and stay together.

Trust me I know. I thought my transition would end out relationship for sure. But she says it's the first time in our life together I've done something for me.

She says if I have SRS then our relationship will change, sex will be different. But she will adapt.

So how about asking yourself why you broke up with her. Maybe you should just continue, but with a clear understanding about what you are doing and where you are or might end up.

On the same token, transitioning with a supportive wife and children can be jut as difficult as transitioning on your own. You have to take them into consideration all the way.

When I get to SRS, will my family come with me to wherever, and take those few weeks to bring me through the pain and happiness, or would it be better to be alone like many TS, without family there?

And statistically only 2% of marriages prior to Transition last 2 years after transition. But that may well be changing today. People who have lasted the statistical Divorce rates seem to last the transition too.

Is there a rule? No.

Reconsider, talk talk talk. Sound like you need to talk about what you really feel about you, she's already made herself abundantly clear!

Even if in the future things change, well you could have a very special relationship that is quite rare.

[tgirlinva]

Thanks for your input.

I will first and foremost say that she made it clear that she would support me in my transition and that she would be there for me, but ONLY as a friend if I transition. She does not see herself being a lesbian couple or having children with two mommies. That's not her. The only way we would get back together would be if at the end of this journey, I renounce my TS way of life or decide that I'm actually gender queer or not a TS or bottom line: that I do not transition and do decide to remain as a male. What are the odds of that happening? Very slim I told her.

Secondly, you assume that I am attracted to women which a lot of TS on here are. I totally respect that. We all know that sexual orientation is separate from gender identity. If I transition, I do know that I would not want to be with a woman, I would want to be with a man. She again knows that.

She is a great friend, [was] a great gf. I regret nothing that we had/have together. It's just hard to see your best friend go through so much pain and sorrow and sort of be on the sidelines watching her go through all of this. I want to be there for her and I want to help her get through this...but sometimes, it feels like the only real solution that will end her sorrows would be if we get back together.... My therapist did express this clearly: people will feel a sense of loss (i.e. if I had passed away). And I want to express to her that I'm still here.... that I'm still the person whether I'm a woman or a man. You know?

[GypsyKaren]

I hate to sound cold blooded here, and I do understand that you care and why, but it's not your problem or responsibility to deal with, it's hers. You've already done all that you can by trying to be there for her, but if she'll only accept that with conditions that you've made plain that you can't give, then I really don't see what more you can do. It's hard enough moving with your life, let alone trying to carry someone who won't move with theirs.

Karen :star:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

tgirlinva...no easy answers...but i hear you...i was divorced 2 years ago, separated 4 yrs ago....i still feel for my ex and wish i could somehow help her get over it..

but it's really up to her....i would have stayed in the marriage....there was lots of love, but i respected her feelings that she was not a lesbian and she wanted a sexually active marriage with a man with a thingie....case closed..

at the time i was crushed but over time i was able to look at it that it was HER choice...

we all tend to say well i'm TS or TG, so YOU have to deal with it, and that can make us feel all kinds of unneccessary guilt....

there's no shame to it, you are what you are and you have every right to figure that out....your girlfriend has every right to not want to be romantically involved but it sounds to me that if YOU want to, that maybe you can keep talking it out with her and it's possible to work out a long term relationship ...i agree with pruella....talk talk talk...you might be surprised...

one of the happiest ts/wife couples i know has a 6 month "cooling off" period for example before deciding to stay together...they talked every day but agreed to not make a decision about their marriage for 6 months...by the end of six months, the wife felt she has a wonderful husband who just happened to be ts and she stuck with her....not the usual case , but they are a very real couple and they are totally fun and together.

[pruella]

Between tgirlinva, Karen and Tarty Michele (*giggle*) I need a disraction free lot to make some comments! But hey, everyone else go for it!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I cant help it that i have a thingie!!! i was born that way :o

[Kimberley]

Why are you taking ownership for her emotions? It's over and you are making it worse by continuing the relationship even if by phone.

Move on...

(Cold blooded enough Karen?) I dont mind saying it.

[Niya W]

Co-dependencies, thats hard one to kick.

[kittypw GG]

I came out to my gf of 5 years and broke it off with her. I didn't expect that she would be okay with it or move on right away. I could not have been with a more understanding and more loving person than her. she said that she supports me 110%. However, it's hard for her to move on. I told her that I needed to sort things out with my life and see if I'm a TS or not. I wouldn't want to lead her on any longer or get married/have kids and then find out at 70 that I want to transition. I therefore broke up with her and think it was the right decision. I told her that no matter what, we will always be best friends. However, she calls me almost daily crying, reminiscing about our past together, and how maybe there is still a light of hope for us to be together. It truly breaks my heart to hear her cry and be so devastated. How can I help??? I try to comfort her and tell her that she'll find someone even better than me, that she deserves better than me, but she keeps saying that she only wants me... and will only want me. I'm out of options. I don't know how I can help her move on..

Simple, STOP TAKNG HER CALLS. You are only prolonging it. Do her a favor and do what she can't. Move on and stop taking her calls.

:hugs:
Kitty

[gagirl1]

good points raised by both sides of the argument. if you truly do want to break it off, talking to her regularly will only make it harder for her to move on, especially if you're there to support her emotionally. how can she be expected to find love elsewhere when you're already providing it? i would recommend some space, some time for her to find herself again (that goes for you too). codependence is a bitch sometimes. you care about that person and vice versa, so it's hard to just break things off, but often times this is the best course of action so that both parties can stand on their own two feet.

sounds like you care for her a lot, and i know it's hard on both of you. having been through relationships like this before (a couple), it's easiest to create space at first, then reconnect when feelings of attachment have died down, and a friendship without implications can blossom. this is easier said than done, though. something will most likely pop up where one of you needs support, and doesn't know where else to turn.

[Annaliese]

Do you love her and want to be with her, if so what are you waiting for.

Annaliese