The price we pay.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

When we all first started to dress what did we think about, putting on a dress doing make-up and finding a wig going out, try to pass and try not get get caught. We did have mix feelings about our dressing like shame guilt and embarrassment I guess that is way so many of us stay in the closet.

But did we really know what we were getting into?......the trouble and the consequents of our action have cost us dearly, some Cd's have gone through depression and some still are, some Cd's thinking about suicide and sadly some have committed suicide.

For Cd's our need to dress have cost us some Friends and family members, and for some cost them there jobs, and if you are a married CD it may be worst some Cd's have been through divorce and some are still going through a divorce or a separation, with some losing there family and the kids trying to understand what has happen.

Married Cd's have been told by there wifes that they hate what they are doing or just tolerated it but do not want to see them dress at all and not to do it around family.......and the same as been told by some who are single by there GF.

Can you really stop crossdressing?...........you can cut back some, take a break, some have stop for a year or two just to come back and yes some have stop they were force to get rid of all there clothing make-up and wigs just to re-buy them all over again.

I have had Cindy lock-up for 3 months I even grown a beard but not a day goes by that bit*h trys to get out and I know she will, the longer I keep Cindy lock-up the stronger Cindy gets. you can really never stop cross dressing it is always inside of you.

But at the end of the journey there are those Cd's who have weather the Storm and have reach the rainbow, there life's fulfilled and they are happy,
but the price they had to pay was not a easy one and no CD can make that journey with out paying a price.

What is it that you could lose or have already lost because of cross dressing
was it worth the price.



LA CINDY LOVE

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

The price I paid, for damn-near 40 years, was not allowing myself to be myself. You want to talk about a price? How about being almost middle-aged before learning to accept yourself! Lost time that I can never recover is a very expensive price indeed if you ask me.

I understand fully the meaning of your post. I get it. But I honestly feel like I've already paid the ultimate price for being such a stubborn ass and denying (lying to myself about) who I am.

I'm only out to my wife and not the rest of my family. Never been out in public en femme. I could very well loose my job if my employer were to find out - at the very least, the dynamic between me and my coworkers would change drastically and make it near impossible for me to continue there.

My wife loves my feminine side. I wish I could have come out to her a lot sooner - I only came out last year. I wish I could have accepted who I am YEARS ago before getting so damn old!

I will never purge again.

I will never lie to myself about who I am again.

I will never again be confused by my need to crossdress and transform myself in to a woman (or try my best to).

I LOVE being a crossdresser! :)

Depression is an ongoing battle in my life, but not because of crossdressing - not anymore. I've been through hell and back a coupe of times in the darkness of depression. I've got demons to fight, but the cd demon has been tamed - I accept who I am. I love that part of me!

I'm not sure the day will come when I come out to my whole family or venture out in public en femme, but the latter has a lot more to do with society's overall non-acceptance of crossdressers.

Your photos, Cindy... You look gorgeous! :) You look totally passable! What I wouldn't give to be able to pass in public! What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock 20 years or more and ME MYSELF SOONER!

[KateSpade83]

The think crossdressing has greatly hurt my career, and that I could have been really rich and had tons of friends if I didn't do it...

I think I didn't get hired at my last two interview because of it, even though I was perfect for the job.

[deja true]

Gabrielle...you've put my thoughts into your words.

The feelings about wasted time , a partially wasted life, are similar...except...

I can't really regret the loss of friends I never tried to make...because I needed the privacy to do what was always more important to my mind.

But there's joy in this, too... having now found scores of new friends, many of whom are closer to me after just a year than any others I have ever had... To have fallen into a family that is more loving and understanding than I ever knew... To be able to speak openly and plainly with friends who really understand...

To realize that life is not a sentence of continuous hiding and lying and being unhappy, but that every day is a new adventure...and a new lesson in the delight of just being me!

The only regret, as you say, is that it just took too damn long...

:)

[docrobbysherry]

Staying in the closet has advantages!:D

I've met some lovely folks rite here. In some ways, I feel closer to them, than some lifelong friends. For one thing, those here, know what I'm doing. Lifelong friends don't. I feel I can tell those here, almost anything. Lifelong friends, no.:eek:

On the other hand, CDing my be keeping me so isolated, that I will miss the chance to find a life partner! And in so doing, lose myself, in the LONG RUN!:doh:

[TommiTN]

Dittos, Gabby and Deja! I wish I had found support like this forum and my Tri Ess group years ago. Instead I wasted decades in denial and self-recrimination. But no more. I will not cry over wasted years. Instead I will make the best of the years ahead of me. My isolation is coming to an end as I widen my circle of friends both on this forum and in person. No matter what the future holds I will never be the same and for that I'm grateful.

[battybattybats]

It is not our choice to crossdress that results in us paying this price. It is the choice of those who chose to demonise crossdressers as bad and shameful etc who are responsible for that price we pay.

CDs have existed in all cultures through all time. We have been slandered by lies, ostracised and made to seem like an abberation rather than somethign that has always been that harms no-one.

It is the oppression that is responsible for the hiding, the fear, the shame, the broken marriages, the suicides.

Just as the exact same prices were often paid by other people in the closet, from closeted religious beliefs to homosexuality.

[Billijo49504]

I think the largest price I've paid is to Lane Bryant, Victoria's Secret and Avenue....BJ

[harmony]

all over all thinking back over a 50 year career in crossdressing the joys of finding the inner woman and beeing able to adequatly give her expression in all kinds of circumstances and meeting all kinds of real people outweighed the negative by a totally overwhelming margin.
life itself becomes an artform by expressing oneself.
there were some choices and decisions made and i regret none of it!
and yet this was just one facet of my life.

[Shannon]

... no CD can make that journey with out paying a price.
LA CINDY LOVE

Some would say that it is the journey that is more important than the destination.

My journey was costly in terms of my emotions, my honesty with myself and others (particularly my ex-wife), and all the secrecy and denial in which I hid myself.

But now, at age 57 and with an accepting wife, I have grown to accept and embrace me and Shannon for who we are. I don't know if I would have been able to get to this point any other way.

What I intend to do now is make the rest of my journey more honest and authentic.

[Jennifer_Cross]

I'm 50 and only had the chance to endulge some 4-5 months ago.... How I wish I had 40yrs of enjoying all this.

Jen

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I agree TOTALLY with what everyone has had to say - like so many of you SISTERS, I have had the same experiences with the same results

there is a heavy price to pay - it does not seem fair at all - we are ostracized
for who we are when we did not chose to be who we are

JoAnne Wheeler

[Sheila]

It is not our choice to crossdress that results in us paying this price. It is the choice of those who chose to demonise crossdressers as bad and shameful etc who are responsible for that price we pay.

CDs have existed in all cultures through all time. We have been slandered by lies, ostracised and made to seem like an abberation rather than somethign that has always been that harms no-one.

It is the oppression that is responsible for the hiding, the fear, the shame, the broken marriages, the suicides.

Just as the exact same prices were often paid by other people in the closet, from closeted religious beliefs to homosexuality.


Really Batty sometimes the price you have to pay is well below the market value of the sins committed under the guise of CDing, and just as importantly sometimes the price others pay or come damn close to paying for those "extras" can mean death for them..... I know too well from personal experiance ... and have helped others pull back from that edge on more than one occasion

Remember your inner beings do not just affect you, it affects those closest to you

[Kelsy]

I think we all pay a price. I can not let go of my female self but have in the past desperately tried to. Looking back I see that the one and I mean one constant in my whole life has been my desire to be female, to dress as a female, and to live as myself and it is a battle. The further I get down the road that this life has taken me the more I am willing to pay the price because my peace of mind is the prize. The need gets stronger and I want to answer that call. weighing that price I will go to the end of this!!

I love all the girls here and am lifted by your courage

:hugs:Kelsy

[Kerry Owens]

Everyone in life pays a price, one way or the other for what they are, who they feel they are, it's across the board. This is not just y'all but everyone has a facet in their life they find difficult to make decisions, and choices.
It's in keepinig ourselves from judging others that reduces our pain, and growing stronger by helping others.

[suzypier]

I am still in the closet and I am sure that I won’t be able to stop crossdressing. Beside my 33 pairs of high heels, my 9 wigs and ………. It did not cost me more yet !!! :)

[Sharon B.]

I have lost a couple of relationships because of my crossdressing and even now I'm somewhat afraid to meet Genetic women and have to explain my other self to them. I like to keep my body hair free and most of the time I keep nail polish on my toenails.
I probably have more woman's clothes and shoes than I do as a male.

[Susan Dee]

The price I paid, for damn-near 40 years, was not allowing myself to be myself. You want to talk about a price? How about being almost middle-aged before learning to accept yourself! Lost time that I can never recover is a very expensive price indeed if you ask me. What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock 20 years or more and ME MYSELF SOONER!


I'm 50 and only had the chance to endulge some 4-5 months ago.... How I wish I had 40yrs of enjoying all this.

Well put Gabrielle and Jennifer. I know just how you feel.

I came out to my SO two years ago after finally accepting who I was, and really wish that I had done so many years ago.

At what cost? Years of anguish and self-doubt. Lost years when I could have lived being the whole me, time lost forever now. How different things may have been if the internet was around when I was younger. Knowing that you are not alone makes a very big difference. The various threads on this forum show how many of us there are who face the same problems, and can understand what's going on in your head.

On the plus side - It's never too late to find out who you really are.

[mykhelee]

The price I paid for being in the closet had many sides. I know that many folks think we must be gay if we are doing this, or we have mental issues.
I never had any guilt over dressing, I just did not want to deal with any fall out over being found out.

Now that I have come out to most of my friends and family concerning this issue I am able to dress as I wish most of the time. My daughters now shop with and for me. I don't go dressed to their homes or any such thing, would not wish to put my grands through the mill should they say the wrong thing at school.

Everyone has their own comfort level and unless you are fibbing to someone you "involved" with, you should be able to handle it however you want.

[Annie D]

Gabrielle and Jennifer, I'm glad that you said it first because you both perfectly expressed my feelings exactly. As I have said before; you can't relive the past but only learn from from it and try to make good decisions in the future. We all wish that things "might of or could of" be different but we can't beat ourselves over the head with it; it is too depressing! I am happy with where I am and look forward to where I am going.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I have had Cindy lock-up for 3 months I even grown a beard but not a day goes by that bit*h trys to get out and I know she will, the longer I keep Cindy lock-up the stronger Cindy gets. you can really never stop cross dressing it is always inside of you.

If you don't mind my asking, do you still feel that the "bit*h" is trying to get out? Are you still fight the phantom?

The day I stopped fighting my phantom - I felt more at peace with myself. The day (or rather the period of time in which) I came out to my wife and she accepted Gabrielle, I felt a happiness I had never felt before. Life has been a lot less stressful since I stopped doing battle with what turned out to be my own self.

It's not fully clear to me based on your post - are you still at odds with yourself? If so, is ending the battle and just choosing to be who you are an option? Where do you want to be? Forget the idiotic "rules" that society has laid out in terms of gender specifics - what would make you happy?


What is it that you could lose or have already lost because of cross dressing
was it worth the price.

I forgot to answer this in my original post, even though I've said it in other threads. I already mentioned that I have already lost precious time - wasted on being confused, denying who I am, and trying to conform to society. That was a very steep price to pay.

What I could very well still loose if I am outed is my job, my home, and perhaps even my life.

Is it worth the price?

Living life as me and being myself is absolutely priceless. I'm still in the closet aside from my loving wife who knows and loves Gabrielle. I'm not exactly able to live life as I truly would like to yet, but I'm on my way. I don't know what I might loose (because of Gabrielle) as my journey continues, but I won't stop being who I am no matter the price. You cannot put a price on freedom. :)

[LA CINDY LOVE]

I have lost a couple of relationships because of my crossdressing and even now I'm somewhat afraid to meet Genetic women and have to explain my other self to them. I like to keep my body hair free and most of the time I keep nail polish on my toenails.
I probably have more woman's clothes and shoes than I do as a male.
Yes Gabrielle I am still fighting the phantom Cindy but not for the same reason that you have, you see I am married (9yrs) straight CD with kids, my marriage and family life was on the verge of falling apart and I had to do something to save the family, Cindy just got out of hand.

I started dressing 5yrs after we were married at the age of 45 and know I am 50, it just came out of no were I never dress before, when It comes down to it making my family happy is more important then Cindy.

My wife know something was up, I was out late, finding women clothing make-up she did ask was I having a affair I said no but she did not believe me, she did find out about me dressing 2yrs ago she did not like it but tolerates it.........then as time pass I was ask was I gay............ I can't blame her asking.

We have a lot of Cd's who were cross dressing before they were married got married but never told there wife but still keep cross dressing and got kids and/or a family....
but when the wife finds out there is going to be a price to pay for most.

If you are a married CD you are going to pay A bigger price that a single CD will and I feel that way because you will have more to lose and if you are a single CD who is looking for a relationship your cross dressing is going to cost you and it has cost some single Cd's a relationship.

Docrobbysherry will say that staying in the closet has advantages, but still her cross dressing keeps her isolated making it hard to find a relationship, so if you are in the closet or out of the closet if you are a married CD or a single CD you are going to have to pay a price.



LA CINDY LOVE

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Yes Gabrielle I am still fighting the phantom Cindy but not for the same reason that you have, you see I am married (9yrs) straight CD with kids, my marriage and family life was on the verge of falling apart and I had to do something to save the family, Cindy just got out of hand.

Thanks for sharing more of your story. :)

I'm also married and straight, but no kids in the house. I was married for more than 10 years before I came out to my wife. In my case, she is not only accepting of it, but also enjoys it. She buys me pretty clothes and does my makeup (when opportunity allows me to go that far).

When I first came out, many questions were there. All the typical questions. My wife has known crossdressers before, but they actually were gay. In fact, the only cd's my wife met before me were all gay. It wasn't hard to convince her I had no interest in men, period. She's been with me for quite some time. The gay part of the conversation only lasted about 2 minutes. lol

I my case, crossdressing and being open with my wife has made our marriage better than ever. I am so grateful for that.

Many married cd's will not be accepted by their wives. Many will end up in divorce court. Some wives only tolerate it to some extent. It sounds like that is where your wife stands.

I hope you don't mind me offering a little advice. Take it for what it is, from someone who knows very little about your situation. But also please take out of it any relevant points and understand that you need peace and happiness in your own life and you DAMN WELL deserve to be happy and be at peace with yourself.

I know you are well aware of this, but Cindy ain't going away. Your phantom is only that part of your self that society has taught you and everyone else is wrong. You can fight yourself until it drives you insane, but you can't remove who you are any more than you can remove your left leg. You got any plans to grab a hack saw and give it a try?

If Cindy got out of hand before, what behavioral patterns lead to the family troubles? I would suggest that Cindy did not get out of hand, but perhaps instead you spent too much of your time doing you-oriented things and not enough time focusing on your wife and kids. Cindy is not the cause of your problems, but maybe too much Cindy can be harmful.

Cindy is not going away and you can only keep her (or better put, your own self) bottled up for so long before you it builds up too much in you. When I don't get an opportunity to crossdress for too long a duration, I know how irritable I become and how it negatively affects those around me. I've heard the same of many crossdressers. Do you think you'll soon reach a boiling point as well? If so, time to change tactics.

Would it ever be possible to share Cindy with your wife? I know she knows, but do you share her with her? Can you wife get to know Cindy and maybe even get to like her? Can you shop together? Can you go out together? Can you [whatever] together? If not, why not? Don't answer me the why not - I only ask so that you might figure out some middle ground or just make the "why not" as an issue go away.

I've go so much more to say, and my "time's up alarm" just went off. Yes, I have to budget my personal time or troubles start in my own life. Never enough damn time time in my day.

Please bear with me, my friend. Please give yourself a fighting chance to be yourself AND have a happy family life.

Yes, we ALL pay a price for being ourselves. I believe that price is easier to handle than being forced to NOT be ourselves. I guess the rest resides in what you believe. :)